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Seungmin wasn’t blind. If you showed him a picture of someone, he would be able to tell if they were attractive or not. His eyes worked just fine.
His problems lay with his feelings. With the way he could barely bring himself to imagine romantic situations, let alone be in one. The idea of getting married and living with someone for the rest of his life sounded… unappealing to him. Who would ever want to do that? Oh, right, every other person on the planet.
And it wasn’t just women either. Seungmin thought for a while he might have just been gay, but he didn’t feel any different when it came to men or non binary people. For a long time, he thought he was being ridiculous.
Now Seungmin just thinks he’s broken. What kind of person doesn't feel romantic feelings? Doesn't even feel sexually feelings? He felt lonely, like there was an icy wall dividing him from anyone else. So cold it burned to touch.
Even as he lay there, in his friend’s bed, wrapped in her arms, he felt cold as ice. He felt disconnected and isolated.
Yonnie was his best friend outside of Xdinary Heroes. She was the one he visited when he was sick of the members, and the one he ran to after a fight. He told her everything.
Well, everything except how broken he secretly was.
"I'm sorry," he choked out into her chest for the hundredth time. The pair of them were curled up in her bed, as they often did. It was late when he had arrived. Yet another failed date drawing emotions out of him he was too scared to show the members. "I'm sorry for interrupting your time with your boyfriend. It's Valentine’s and I ruined it for you."
She just rubbed circles on his back, kissing his hair gently. "You didn’t ruin anything, Minnie. Seo and I can meet up again tomorrow. Right now, it's more important I comfort you." Yonnie's voice softened, "are you ready to talk now, or not yet?"
He was quiet for a while, and she didn’t push him. Finally, he spoke up weakly. "I had a date…" Seungmin couldn't bring himself to say any more. She wasn't meant to know. No one was.
"Did it not go well?" Yonnie sounded so safe and kind. He knew she would support him through everything and anything. But would she support this? "Hey," she said a little harsher, fingers brushing over his cheeks. He was crying. When did that happen? "What's going on?"
"I'm sorry," it was all he could say.
He was sorry.
Sorry for ruining her night.
Sorry for turning out broken.
Sorry for being a burden.
She held the sides of his head and tilted his head up so they were face to face. "Hey, Minnie, you don't have to apologise. You did nothing wrong. You're okay! It's all okay! I don't care if I'm not with Seo right now. Valentine's is just a day." Yonnie ran her hand through his hair. "Whatever happened on your date, Min, please try to forget about it. If it’s bringing you this much pain to think about, maybe thinking about something else would be better? Do you feel like a movie? Or some music?"
He dropped his head down against her chest again. It took extra energy to look her in the eyes. "Nothing happened."
"If nothing happened, then why are you crying-?" She tried to brush a few pieces of hair out of his eyes, but he sat up quickly.
"Because nothing happened!" Seungmin didn't mean to yell. He was just too tired and frustrated and empty. He tried again, speaking slowly and making sure not to raise his voice. "I'm crying because nothing happened. Nothing ever happens. I'm an adult now, I'm in my 20s, and I still have never even had a crush! It's ridiculous! I'm ridiculous…"
She was quiet for a moment to let him take a breath. It was all so overwhelming. Then Yonnie put her hand on his knee and said, "nothing about that is ridiculous, Minnie. Do you know anything about the label ‘aromantic’?" She waited until he responded - a quick shake of the head - before explaining. "People who use this label don't feel romantic attraction. They may still want those kinds of relationships, but they don't feel the attraction most people do. Does that sound like you?"
He kicked his feet over the edge of the bed and scuffed them against the carpet. "It's okay, you don't have to try and make me feel better. I understand I’m just broken-”
“Don’t say that word!” She reached out, taking his face in her hands again. Her expression was serious. “You are not that word. Not feeling attracted to anyone doesn’t take anything away. In fact, it can add to life. Without the mess of romantic feelings, you can develop true friendships-”
“You don’t understand,” his voice was soft. Yonnie wasn’t sure why, but she could only define the look on his face with the word ‘shattered’. “I would do anything to get to experience a romantic relationship. Hell, or even just a sexual one! I’ve watched everyone around me find happiness through these relationships. It’s so unfair I don’t get to experience the same. The whole world keeps telling me once I meet this ‘special person’ everything will become good. How am I supposed to deal with the idea I'll never get to find them just because I’m emotionless?” Seungmin’s tears were free flowing now, and his shoulders shook with each sob.
Yonnie pulled him against her chest, holding him as he cried. “Hey, hey, hey. No, that’s not true at all,” she whispered into his ear as he calmed down. “You aren’t emotionless, baby. Not by a long way. Look how much you're feeling right now? And, darling, there’s way more kinds of relationships than just romantic and sexual. We’re friends, that’s a kind of relationship. Society puts too much weight on marriage and life partners. Really, no one needs anything like that. You can be just as happy with friends by your side.” She kissed his hair gently, like he would break at any moment. “And you have lots of friends, Minnie. You have me and all the XH members! I understand it’s a difficult thing to come to terms with, but maybe you should think about the idea of a QPR?”
He sniffled, looking up at Yonnie with big teary eyes. “What’s a QPR?”
“A QPR, baby, is as Queer Platonic Relationship. It’s like having a special friend - or friends - who you can treat more like a you would a romantic partner, but it’s very relaxed and there’s no pressure for sex or romance. A lot of aroace people have them. Do you know what the label ‘aroace’ is?”
Seungmin shook his head curiously. “Does it have something to do with aromantic?”
Her smile shone as she kissed his forehead. “Yes, correct! Aroace refers to people who feel no romantic or sexual attraction. It’s a mix of the labels ‘aromantic’ and ‘asexual’. Asexual is the same as aromantic, but it’s about sexual attraction. Does this make sense?”
“Yeah, it does. Thank you for explaining it all to me.” Seungmin still looked so small, but he was no longer crying, so Yonnie took that as a win. It was clear he wanted to say something, so she just waited to let him speak. “Do you think I’m aroace?”
Yonnie connected their hands and squeezed his gently. “Yes, Minnie. I think you are. How do you feel about that?”
He let out a laugh. It was sour, but there was an undertone of hope mixed in as well. “Better than I did before. I don’t know if I’m… comfortable with it all yet, but I do think you’re right. I do think I might be aroace.”
“I’m really proud of you, y’know?” He blushed at the unexpected compliment. “You were so scared before. Already you look so much more at ease.”
“I feel it too,” he hummed gently, resting his head again on her shoulder. “Thank you so much for just listening. A QPR sounds good to me. One day I’d really like to pursue one,” he hesitated, “but not until I’ve worked out my identity. I’m probably aroace, but I want to look into it a bit on my own. I think it’ll take some time before I’m confident in a new label anyway.”
Beaming, Yonnie pinched his cheek, ignoring the man’s groan of disapproval. “Feel free to contact me at any time, night or day! I’ll try to help in any way I can. The other XH members are really sweet, I’m sure they would be there to help you as well. Only if you feel comfortable telling them, that is!”
Seungmin felt himself smile subconsciously. “I think they will too. Besides…” he trailed off, lost in thought for a second, “I think they’re all in love with each other.”
Yonnie choked. “Sorry, what?”
“Oh,” he paused, sitting up on his own. “I think Hyeongjun and Jooyeon are seeing each other? Maybe, I’m not completely sure. It just seems like it from how they’ve been treating each other lately. And something not-so-straight is definitely going on between Jiseok and Gunil-hyung. Also Jungsu-hyung has the biggest heart eyes for the both of them I’ve ever seen! It’s kind of disgusting.”
Yonnie just sat there, processing. In all of the two years she had known the group, she had never once expected any of them weren’t straight. But… the more she thoughg about it, the more it seemed to make sense. "So you think they're all together. Is that why you are feeling all of this so strongly right now?"
Seungmin sighed. "I guess there is this underlying pressure that, now that they're all dating, I should be too. If I'm honest, I've felt a lot lonelier lately. It's kind of hard to see them all happy with something I can never have but I will eternally want." He let his head hang, feeling the ice cold loneliness in his chest again. Despite this long conversation with Yonnie, he still felt alone.
"Then you need to talk to them about it."
Seungmin's eyes snapped up to meet hers. "What?"
She sighed, interlocking their hands again. "If you’re feeling left out, the only thing you can do is to talk about it. They're all really nice guys. As I said before, I'm sure they will all support you! But they can't help you if you're not open with them."
He knew she had a point. He knew how kind they all were. How Gunil would always check in after a long day of practice to make sure he was feeling okay. How Jungsu would transform into a 'Mother Hen' when he was feeling unwell. How Jiseok would do everything he could to make him laugh when he was down. How Hyeongjun would sit with him in silence just to make sure he wasn't alone. How Jooyeon would shower him with compliments when he felt insecure about himself. He knew XH better than anyone. He knew just how kind they were.
When Seungmin first started realising the other members weren't straight, he started to notice how fake their group conversations about girls were. How everyone was saying what they thought they should be. While he did know there was probably some members still attracted to women, all of them gave such generic forced answers it was impossible to tell who. It honestly made him laugh, but it also made him want to cry. Watching them stutter out things they liked about girls to their crushes was entertaining, but it also made Seungmin feel so alone.
The conversations about girls slowly became the times he felt most disconnected to both himself and his members. He watched his best friends fall for each other while he retracted deeper and deeper into the frozen cave he felt trapped in now. He understood what Yonnie was saying - the only way to help the situation was talking to the members - but it still hurt. The idea of telling them all he knows about everything and it's been killing him slowly for a long time was terrifying.
"Hey," Yonnie brushed her hand over his cheek. "Lost you there for a second. Lots of thoughts?" Seungmin couldn't help the sob that racked though his body. Hadn't he cried enough yet? She didn't seem bothered tho, moving to lie back down again. She pulled him towards her, wrapping her arms around him and kissing his cheeks. "It's okay, Minnie. You don't have to tell them anything until you're ready." He just pushed his head into the crook of her neck and cried harder. "Oh baby, it's alright. It’s okay. Shh…"
They fell asleep like that, curled into each other. There was the lingering thought in the back of Seungmin's mind that Seo should be in his place, but he did his best to ignore it. He had needed this. He had needed to hear everything Yonnie said. For the first time he felt like the future could be okay. Maybe he wasn't sure about it all now, but he had a good feeling he would be soon.
For the first time in years, he felt okay.