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‘Valentine’s is so stupid,’ Jungsu kept repeating to himself. ‘It’s stupid and made up by companies to make more money.’ He did everything he could to ignore the butterflies in his stomach. He chose not to think about the two pink cards he was currently making. He chose not to think about the two men he was planning on giving them to. He chose to not think about any of it because Valentine's Day was dumb.
Despite everything, his heart still pounded in his chest, hands trembling ever so slightly as he wrote their names.
If you told 15-year-old Jungsu he would fall helplessly head over heels for two men, he would have laughed. He would have laughed because he was straight. He would have laughed because two? Really? His 15-year-old self would never have believed it.
But it was true. Jungsu was in love. Back when he had first begun to notice his feelings, he tried to pretend they weren’t there. He tried to pretend he had feelings for one of his female friends. He did everything he could to force himself to believe the lie. When it got to the point he couldn’t pretend anymore, Jungsu took his time and slowly accepted the label pansexual. It was a part of himself he was proud of now, even if he was still in the closet.
If the situation was different, he would have already come out to the rest of the band members. He had the feeling they would all be supportive, and if they weren’t he knew they could all work something out. He trusted them fully and he wished he could have told them as soon as he began questioning. The only reason he didn’t was because of his crushes. He wasn’t ready to tell the two men he loved that he was queer. If they didn’t accept him, Jungsu wasn’t sure what he would do.
In a way, it may have been better to tell them. If they were homophobic, then it would have helped Jungsu stop falling further and further in love every day. His feelings were so deep and overwhelming it was easy to get lost. He would zone out at practice, watching the way they interacted with each other. Even though he couldn’t see himself, Jungsu already knew he was shooting heart eyes at them. He was actually surprised no one had noticed yet.
Jungsu fell for Jiseok first. It was easy yet terrifying. He avoided it as long as he could but one day it just clicked. The pair were sitting together in the younger’s bed watching a drama on his phone when Jiseok dropped his head down on the older’s shoulder, the softest laugh slipping past his lips. In that instant, Jungsu knew. He knew he was in love. He knew he liked men. It was so obvious to him that he wondered now why he had even tried to resist it for so long.
Gunil was second. While the older was insufferable sometimes, Jungsu knew he would always have a special place in his heart. He didn’t quite realise just how special that place was until a few months after his realisation about Jiseok. By this point, Jungsu knew he was pansexual, the label fitting him comfortably. Band practice had finished a few hours earlier and the man was in one of the smaller practice rooms working on his vocals when Gunil appeared. He made sure Jungsu wasn’t overworking himself, making him promise to return to the dorm before it got too late. The interaction left the younger a blushing mess, confused as to why he was feeling this way if he was in love with Jiseok.
It was another few months before he was properly able to accept he had fallen for two people. He knew full well how unlikely it would be for both of his crushes to like him back, but his stupid heart still had hope.
The same hope that was now driving him to make those two stupid pink cards covered in hearts and little doodles. Each of them even had a mini love letter hidden away inside. 'It’s okay,' he told himself, 'you can burn them before Gunil and Jiseok get a chance to see them.'
But a part of him was curious. What would it be like to give those cards to them today? What would it be like to walk down the hall, knock on their doors, and give them the cards? Would they hate him? Would they confess to feeling the same? No matter what, Jungsu couldn’t shake this thought.
Would they feel the same?
It was the 14th of February. Valentine's Day. Giving them the cards tomorrow wouldn’t work. He would just look like a coward who couldn’t read a calendar. It was late, if he was going to do it today, it needed to be soon.
The timing was perfect. Seungmin was out with his "friends" (they all knew he was seeing a girl, but no one said anything), and Hyeongjun and Jooyeon were… Jungsu wasn’t exactly sure where, but they had left together saying they would be out late.
And so, Jungsu decided to gamble everything he had and made his way towards the enemy territory, twin cards clutched in his right hand. With his left, he knocked gently on Jiseok and Jooyeon’s door.
When nothing happened, he huffed and turned towards Gunil and Seungmin's door instead. There was a swirling in his stomach at the idea of the two hanging out without him, despite that he knew how unfair that was.
His knock was soft, but, judging by the sudden thump sound coming from inside, the pair had been startled by it. There were a few moments of silence before the door clicked open. During those moments, Jungsu truly struggled to maintain the courage to stay. Every cell in his body burned with the want to run away.
Just before he was able to decide whether or not to leave, the door clicked open to reveal a dishevelled looking Gunil. He was breathing heavily, trying his best to not make it obvious. It was very obvious though, especially since Gunil had only opened the door enough to peek his head through. There was nothing to look at but him. "H-hey, Jungsu-ah. How can I help you?"
Jungsu blinked. How was he supposed to do this? Give a speech, or just hand him the cards? Either way, he needed both of his crushes here for this. "Have you seen Jiseok? I want to talk to you both."
Gunil’s lips parted to make an 'O' as he processed the younger’s words (Jungsu thought that was cute). He pulled his head away from the door to address Jiseok. "Hey, Jungsu-ah wants to talk to us. Come here," he called.
There were some more sounds before the door swung open more to reveal Jiseok standing beside Gunil. He didn't look too much better than the oldest, his hair sticking out at strange angles and his clothes looking ruffled.
What caught Jungsu's eye though, was how the man’s lips were swollen. It threw him off so much, his heart didn't know if it should speed up or stop completely. His chest hurt from how many beats it was skipping. "Ah," he started, but his vision was caught on the youngest's lips, "y-your lips are…"
Jiseok's face turned red in a second. "Oh, you can see that?" Gunil was just as red, eyes trained on his shoes.
"You two were kissing?" Jungsu hazarded a guess. He knew he was right when neither man said anything. His emotions sky rocketed. He wasn’t sure if they were good or bad emotions, but they were strong. "Oh, that's o-okay. Really! There's nothing wrong with it. Being LGBT, there's nothing wrong with it. It's okay, I don't care. I-I’m actually… It’s okay, really-"
Jiseok cut off his rambling (and he was silently thankful for that), pointing down at the cards in his hand (something he was less thankful for). "What are those?" His cheeks were flushed a deep red. The both of them looked more embarrassed than Jungsu had ever seen them.
All three of them were staring at the small pink cards clutched in Jungsu's right hand. "Ah…" he quickly pushed them deep into his pocket, smiling widely at them, "nothing! Those are nothing. Nothing to worry about. Sorry for interrupting. Please, uhm, continue. I'll be in my room if you want anything."
Just as he turned to leave, he felt a hand close around his wrist. Jungsu looked back to see Gunil holding him, eyes glistening with something he couldn’t quite place. "You can show us," was all he said.
And how was he supposed to react to that? He pulled the slightly crumpled cards out of his pocket and held them out to the pair before him. "I should do a speech or something, but I don’t really want to. I wasn't even sure if I would give them to you." He kept talking, trying to make his anxiety go away.
Just seeing Gunil and Jiseok standing there (just after making out with each other) reading his cards… Jungsu hadn’t been more terrified in his whole life. Not when they debuted, not when he first joined JYP, not even if you combined all of his first days of school together.
He was petrified.
It really didn't help that they were both slow readers. It felt like forever until Gunil finished reading his card. As soon as he had, he stepped forward to pull Jungsu into a tight hug. He held the back of the younger's head against his shoulder and said, "thank you so much for telling us. You're really brave."
Jiseok finished reading his letter, smiling widely up at the keyboard player. He back-hugged Gunil while he gently rubbed at Jungsu's cheeks, wiping away tears the older didn't realise were there.
"I'm-" Jungsu croaked, suddenly finding a lump in his throat. He grunted to clear it before starting again. "I'm sorry if I'm disturbing your relationship with each other, because that's truly the last thing I want, I s-swear."
Gunil just shhed him, rubbing circles on his back. "It's okay, baby, we believe you." He kissed the side of Jungsu's head, making the keyboard player pull away slowly.
He blinked between them, first addressing Gunil. "Why did you do that? W-why did you call me 'baby'?" Then he turned towards Jiseok. "And why didn't you stop him? Why aren't you reacting to your boyfriend saying… that…"
The youngest just laughed gently. "Jungsu-hyung, we aren't together. Sure, maybe we were making out before, but we didn't want to make anything official until we talked to you."
"Me? Why me?" Jungsu frowned and the other two just wanted to reach out and smooth his crinkled brow. "Unless… oh." His whole face fell in an instant. "You realised I had f-feelings for you both and knew you needed to tell me to back off before becoming an official couple. That's alright! You guys can date! Ah, I should be going-"
Gunil snatched at his wrist again, pulling him back and flicking him in the forehead. "Oh my God, really? We like you, Jungsu-ah. Jiseok and I talked when we realised we liked each other and discovered we both had feelings for you too. We've just been kissing and cuddling since then. No dates. No labels. For those, we wanted to wait until we were able to build up the courage to confess, but I guess you beat us to it."
"And thankfully too! I don't think I have the mental strength to try and confess to someone again," Jiseok whined, pretending to collapse against Gunil’s side, his arms wrapping limly around the oldest’s neck.
Jungsu just stared at them. "Con…fess…?" was all he could manage, because what the actual hell was going on? Surely he had tripped over and hit his head. Surely this was only his imagination. There was no way his two (TWO!?) crushes were confessing to him. He must have misread the situation. Was this a new way to reject someone? Whatever it was, he felt light-headed from how fast his heart was beating.
"Yeah, how many times do we have to say it?" Jiseok groaned, stamping his feet. "We - Goo Gunil and Kwak Jiseok - have romantic feelings for you - Kim Jungsu."
Gunil smiled, taking the keyboard player's hands in his own. "And we would love to take you out on a date and maybe call you our boyfriend."
Jungsu stared into his hyung's eyes. He was searching for anything to prove this was some kind of joke. He found nothing but love staring back. "You both like me?"
"A lot." Jiseok snorted, "probably too much, but what can you do? We would love it if you would go out with us."
"What's wrong, baby," Gunil asked, clearly picking up on Jungsu's fluctuating feelings.
He sighed, slipping one of his hands away from the oldest to pinch the bridge of his nose. "Just a lot to process. Thought you'd both reject me."
"Aw, baby." Gunil took him in his arms again, and this time Jungsu buried his head in the crook of his neck unprompted. "How about this? Me, you, and Jiseokie go curl up in my bed for cuddles and then when you're feeling a bit better we can talk about this all properly? Does that work?"
Jungsu nodded, taking one last breath of courage before he spoke. "But first… can I be your boyfriend now?" His eyes were fixed on his shoes, so he got a bit of a shock when Jiseok slammed into his side to pull him into a death grip hug.
"My boyfriend!" he called happily, leaving a wet kiss on the keyboard player's cheek and making him squirm.
Gunil laughed, dragging both of the others into his room and towards the bed. "Come on, boyfriends of mine. Cuddling awaits!"
Squished between Jiseok and Gunil, Jungsu had found happiness. Happiness he knew would last a long long time. Oh, if only his 15-year-old self could see him now.