Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

well hello there! it's been a minUte since we have seen each-other. i am... tired to be frank. well, if yoU're ready i am!

MIXTAPE ONE: TOXIC BFFSY PAIN
ALBUM ONE: FEEL OF CANDY
TRACK ONE: WELCOME TO YOUR SPACE

Once upon a time- no no that's way too cliche uh... In the beginn- no the bible does NOT belong anywhere near here shoot. Hm.

A not so long time ago in a place very familiar to most readers of this fiction, a story begins.

timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering endlessDreaming [ED]
TT: Where am I.
TT: Where in the nine circles of hell am I.
TT: I don't know who you are but I need answers
ED: huh
ED: whore you
TT:
TT: You're lucky I have a friend who types the same way.
ED: i dont
ED: why shouldnt i block you
ED: thats what cg would do
TT: First of all you are my only (presumably) human contact at this point.
TT: And second of all I don't know any cg who isn't instantly impulsive and angry.
ED: fair
ED: what do you want
TT: Answers to how I ended up here for one.
ED: well i dont know
ED: thats also
ED: not my problem
TT:
TT: Fair.
TT: But also I don't know anyone around here and feel increasingly anxious.
ED: are you trying to guilt trip me
TT: Is it working?
ED: ...
ED: yes
TT: Awesome.
TT: So where am I.
ED: uh
ED: you are at near bay massachusetts if you are anywhere near me
TT: That is possibly the most on the nose name I've ever heard.
TT: It is all the way up in that nose it might as well be a booger.
TT: It is digging into your braincells that is how on the nose it is.
TT: Do a little pirouette on the nose will ya.
TT: Fuck I'm rambling.
ED: i used to live in a town called faraway
TT: You are fucking with me.
ED: i dont think so
TT: Ok you gave me enough time to pinpoint your coords so I will see you soon.
ED: what
timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering endlessDreaming [ED]
ED: huh

endlessDreaming [ED] began pestering coolGal [CG]
ED: aubrey
ED: {link-to-image}
CG: what the fuck.
CG: you should've blocked that guy
ED: he called you on that though
CG:
CG: fuckin fair i guess but you should i don't know grab a weapon or something.
ED: the hospital says two more weeks until i can handle sharp objects
CG: right. shit.
CG: grab a blunt weapon.
CG: is your mom home?
ED: no she has work
CG: every
CG: single
CG: time.
ED: its going to be okay aubrey
ED: i promise
CG: you are so sappy you idiot.
ED: bye
CG: so long. and stay safe.
endlessDreaming [ED] ceased pestering coolGal [cg]

Chapter Text

TRACK TWO: ROBOTIC ATTITUDE

DO I HAVE TO NARRATE FOR YOu ON THIS?? FINE THEN ILL DO YOuR JOB FOR YOu. NO IM NOT SALTY WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN. OKAY ILL DO IT, HAVE FuN WITH WHATEVER YOu'RE DOING.

gutsyGumshoe [GG] began bothering tipsyGnostalgic [TG]
GG: Hello?
GG: Roxy?
This person does not exist!
GG: What do you mean "This person does not exist!"?
GG: That's not possible.
This person does not exist!
GG: I am not even going to try to jape with this.
GG: Turning of system notifications now!
This person does not currently exist!
GG: Why was that one different?
GG: No matter.
GG: Roxy, if you're reading this I am stuck in a building I am not familiar with.
GG: My powers are gone as well.
GG: However, I am about to listen to a message apparently recorded for me?
GG: The two buttons at each door are... Concerning for some reason.
GG: I will check in soon!
gutsyGumshoe [GG] ceased bothering tipsyGnostalgic [TG]

Your name is JANE CROCKER and you are FED UP with everything that's been happening as of late. This is honestly just the cherry on top and nearly the last straw for you. What will you do

>Jane: Check Phone

Oh right that thing. You should check it out.

JANE: Alright let's see how this goes.
RECORD: Hello? Hello, hello?
RECORD: Uh, I wanted to record a message for you to help you get settled in on your first night.
JANE: First?
RECORD: Um, I actually worked in that office before you.

Suddenly you hear clanging from down the right hall, you grab the camera system you are only somewhat familiar with.

RECORD: I'm finishing up my last week now, as a matter of fact.
JANE: I might need some help if you're willing to offer it.
RECORD: So, I know it can be a bit overwhelming, but I'm here to tell you there's nothing to worry about.
RECORD: Uh, you'll do fine. So, let's just focus on getting you through your first week. Okay?
JANE: You are starting to remind me of my sprite.
JANE: That is not necessarily a good thing.
RECORD: Uh, let's see, first there's an introductory greeting from the company that I'm supposed to read. Uh, it's kind of a legal thing, you know.
JANE: I've had plenty experience with legal things.
JANE: I'd say far too much experience.
RECORD: Um, "Welcome to Freddy Fazbear's Pizza. A magical place for kids and grown-ups alike, where fantasy and fun come to life."
JANE: Well that's nice-
RECORD: Fazbear Entertainment is not responsible for damage to property or person. Upon discovering that damage or death has occurred, a missing person report will be filed within 90 days, or as soon property and premises have been thoroughly cleaned and bleached, and the carpets have been replaced.
JANE:
JANE: WHAT?!?!?!

> Be Someone Else

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering aceAttorney [AA]
TG: yo phoenix
TG: mr wright
TG: yo
TG: oh my god
TG: ace attorney phoenix wright
AA: Hey
TG: finally hey
TG: where are you man
AA: Hopefully not getting arrested
TG: what

Chapter Text

TRACK 3: Captchamon: Gotta log 'em all

rotoMotor [RM] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG]
RM: Greetings new trainer!
RM: It's a new dawn and it's time to shine!
RM: Are you a boy or a girl?
GG: girl.
RM: Alright! Now what's your name?
GG: jade.
RM: Greetings [jade]!
RM: And welcome to your first day as a Pokémon Trainer with Arceusnet Systems™!
RM: [OPEN TERMS]
GG: i agree.
RM: Allllllright!
RM: Now it's time to meet [LOCAL PROFESSOR] and get your starter!
RM: Have a rotubular day!
rotoMotor [RM] ceased pestering gardenGnostic [GG]

Your name is JADE HARLEY and you shouldn't have to wake up this early. At least since you know the professor got a new shipment of starters you can actually start your journey! Something seems to be slipping your mind but you can't quite remember. Well, you should probably get to it.

Jade: Run down the stairs

Well, running would be a risk... But who cares you're super excited!!! In fact you're so excited you'll

Jade: Be the other girl

Why in the world is there so much rain????????

This doesn't look like a good time.

Not a Slug: Be someone else

This isn't the best day you've ever had but it's far from the worst.

ROSE: I hope you're doing well.
ROSE: Because I am a potato.
KANAYA: You Did This To Yourself Glados.
ROSE: Why don't you jump off a cliff while you're at it.
ROSE: Oh wait, you have your stupid boots.
KANAYA: You Are Not Doing Yourself Any Favors.

Your name is KANAYA MARYAM and if you don't get out of here soon you will saw this potato in half. Okay that might be an exaggeration but only a slight one. It's been... Well, you don't know how long it's been, but it's not good.

ERIDAN: hello peons
ROSE: Oh look it's king of the morons.
ROSE: This is the part where he kills us.
ERIDAN: this is the part wwhere i kill you
KANAYA: Well.
KANAYA: At Least He's Honest About It.
ROSE: If I still had control I would kill you here and now.
ROSE: But you put that buffoon in power.
ERIDAN: also look at these guys i made arent they neat
ROSE: NO! YOUR PATHETIC CREATIONS CAN SHUT IT!!!!
ERIDAN: sorry did i hear a mouse
ERIDAN: really need to update the sound system soon
ERIDAN: anywways so long idiots
ROSE: FUCK YOU!

The platform under you begins to shake. Be it from age or some other merciful factor you won't be heading to the shredder any time soon. Not even mentioning your longfall boots will protect you from a normal fall... Somehow.

ERIDAN: wwait wwhat
ERIDAN: that wwasnt supposed to happen
ROSE: Imbecile can't keep this place running half as well as I was.
KANAYA: You Weren't Doing Much Better.
ROSE: I swear to whatever deity may be out there I will end you.

Now to get out of here.

Chapter Text

TRACK 4: On record

my- uh... Your name is JOHN EGBERT and you messed up big time. Now you're here. On a plane(?) you never thought you would see again, much less in person.

CYRUS: Welcome to CON AIR motherfuckers.

Oh god. This cannot be happening. The only saving grace is that you're in breeze form so nobody sees you.

Wait. If this is real...

You can be a hero in your (ex-)favorite movie! You think... Uh wait what comes next?

i- You forgot the plot of the movie. Oh.

Egbert: Be Someone Else

You can do that.

Terezi: Destroy Drones

You- L3T M3 DO TH1S. Oh uh... Okay.

C4N TH3S3 TH1NGS 3V3N B3 C4LL3D DRON3S? TH3Y'R3 P4TH3T1C HUNKS OF JUNK TH4T 4PP4R3NTLY RUN BY US1NG 4N1M4LS TO G3N3R4T3 POW3R. 4LSO WH4T'S W1TH TH3 S1GNS 3V3RYWH3R3??? 1 C4N'T 3V3N R34D TH3M BUT TH3Y SP1N SO 1T'S FUNNY.

4PP4R3NTLY TH1S PL4C3 W4S C4LL3D ST4RDUST SP33DW4Y 4CCORD1NG TO TH3 FLO4T1NG T4STY S1GN ON TH3 W4Y H3R3. 4NYW4Y-

METAL-??????: [TARGET LOCKED]
METAL-??????: [PREPARE FOR ELIMIN8TION MEDDLER]
TEREZI: OH FOR FUCKS S4K3

SORRY BUT 1 H4V3 BU1SN3SS TO 4TT3ND TO. YOU C4N G3T GO1NG.

Terezi: Be the Death Fangirl

well i suppose that we can do that! anywho lets get through the basics though id love to spend some more

time, with you we dont have much im afraid.

my name is aradia megido, and i am in a universe unfamiliar to me although it is in many ways like the planet of earth it is not the one of the kids session

mostly because its 2016, theres a number of institutions i dont remember any of the ghost daves in the bubbles talking about, and of course the dread entities.

now i wonder what the magnus institution for paranormal studies is all about? lets take a look shall we?

[CLICK!]
ARCHIVIST: Test… Test… Test… 1, 2, 3… Right.
[Cough]
ARCHIVIST: My name is Jonathan Sims. I work for the Magnus Institute, London, an organization dedicated to academic research into the esoteric and the paranormal.
ARCHIVIST: The head of the Institute, Mr. Elias Bouchard, has employed me to replace the previous Head Archivist, one Gertrude Robinson, who has recently passed away.
TIM: yo boss man
SIMS: What is it Tim.
TIM: uh
TIM: someone wants to see you
ARCHIVIST: Why?
TIM: i dunno but she seems pretty insistent about it
TIM: according to sash at least
ARCHIVIST: Why me? Can't someone else do it? I'm about to start a statement.
ARCHIVIST: I'll have to do this all over won't I? Sigh.
TIM: she was asking for the archivist
ARCHIVIST: Alright, alright. I'll check it out
[CLICK!]

Your name is JON SIMS and you are beginning to get tired of interruptions. This is the fifth this week. You should mark it down soon or you'll forget. Anyways whoever this lady is better be important or else you'll... Oh nevermind.

[CLICK!]
ARCHIVIST: Hello Sasha. I heard there was someone here for me?
SASHA: oh hey jon!
SASHA: soz for the interruption but she was quite insistent.
SASHA: she talked quickly and rambled a bit like you.
ARCHIVIST: I don't- Oh nevermind.
[Chuckling]
ARADIA: -~[:'.?-=+`|\/*^$#!
ARCHIVIST: Oh, hello there.
ARCHIVIST: You must be the one wanting me?
[CLICK!]

Chapter Text

TRACK 5: Finishing Up Soon (Outro from Prelude)

Your name is KARKAT VANTAS and this might just be your worst nightmare. You hate water, you hate the ocean even more, and this is nothing BUT ocean for GOG KNOWS HOW FAR except for a tiny little pod with the BARE NECESSITIES that you were honestly LUCKY TO GET IN THE FIRST PLACE. Now you're ALL ALONE IN THE MIDDLE OF BUMFUCK NOWHERE at approximately ASS O' CLOCK in the who even KNOWS.

AutoMessager [AM] began messaging unknownUser [UU]
AM: Hello [UU]!
AM: Leviathan class organism approaching!
UU:
UU: JUST MY FUCKING LUCK.
AM: Cannot receive message!

Gog. FUCKING. ***DAMN IT***!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Typical. Typical typical TYPICAL.

AM: Attention [UU]!

What is it now????

AM: Intelligent leviathan detected!

What does that even mea-

C}{ILD.
KARKAT:
WHY ARE YOU AFRAID?
I WILL NOT }{ARM YOU.
KARKAT: (WHAT THE FUUUUUUU)
KARKAT: WHO ARE YOU?????
I AM DISPLACED IN TIME AND SPACE MUCH LIKE YOURSELF
YOU MAY KNOW ME AS [GL'BGOLYB]
KARKAT:
KARKAT: GL
KARKAT: GLUBGLUB?????????
T}{AT IS }{OW IT IS PRONOUNCED I SUPPOSE
YOU MAY CALL ME AS SUC}{
BUT KNOW T}{AT YOU }{EAR ME T}{ROUG}{ YOUR MIND
AND I CAN }{EAR AS WELL
KARKAT: OH UH
I WILL TAKE MY LEAVE

You are so fucking lucky. You think. You need a moment to-

Karkat: Be Someone Else

Oh. Only those few are left... Hmm...

Fine we'll do the spider

Your name is VRISKA SERKET and it's FINALLY your turn. Besides the rain, the numerous predators, and dangerous fauna, it's pretty cool here.

Except for the fact the only others who can speak to you are A. The most egotistical fucker you've ever met (and you've met a lot in your day) or B. The disabled one. Anyone who knows you knows how much you hate annoying people.

Sadly, the only way you're getting anywhere is by either dragging corpses around like some kind of apprentice, or asking Them for help. Neither option is good.

PEBBLES: You know, I am still talking to you

Oh right, him.

VRISKA: Yeah yeah just tell me how to get out of this place.
PEBBLES: Always so impatient.
VRISKA: Shut up or I'll kill you.
PEBBLES: But you need me. :)
VRISKA: I regret ever showing you how to do that.
VRISKA: Whatever just T8LL M8!
PEBBLES: Oh fine.
PEBBLES: Now here's the deal.

> Skip to the end.

PEBBLES: And that's it.
VRISKA: Oh my gog you finally stopped talking thank all that is holy.
VRISKA: Anyways th8nks for NOTHING! 8ye!
PEBBLES: Ugh.

Now that any conversation with that guy is officially over and done with, you can get going! To uh... The bottom of the world.

What is that down there?

CHILD
VRISKA: Woah deja vu- W8 what.
VRISKA: Who the fuck are you??????
I AM THE SAINT
VRISKA: Ok then mr. holy man what do you want from me?
I DESIRE A PHYSICAL FORM TO END THE CYCLE
VRISKA: What's in it for me?
THE FREEDOM THAT YOU SEEK
VRISKA: ........
VRISKA: What do you need me to do.
BRING ME AN ENDURING VESSEL
AND I WILL GIVE YOU YOUR FREEDOM
VRISKA: Hm.
VRISKA: Hmmmmmmmm........
VRISKA: Alright! ::::)

You have just the thing to screw this guy over.

Vriska: Get the slug.

You used to drag this dead thing everywhere but now since you have no use for it you might as well toss it to the pit demon.

VRISKA: Here's your 'enduring vessel' s8int dude.
MANY THANKS MORTAL
VRISKA: ::::|
VRISKA: Alright........
NOW TAKE YOUR FREEDOM
VRISKA: Oh hell yeah.

Spider: Get squashed.

Wait what-

????: Rise and shine, Ms. Lalonde.
????: Rise and shine.
????: Not that I mean to imply that you have been sleeping on the job.
????: No one is more deserving of a rest until, well.
????: Let's just say your hour has come again.
????: The right woman in the wrong place can make all the difference in the world.
????: So wake up Ms. Lalonde.
????: Wake up and smell the ashes.

Your name is ROSE LALONDE and you wish you were almost anywhere else. At least maybe with your beloved, but alas, you are here.

Someone mentions something along "End of the line" but you're still taking in the fact that you left one videogame, only to be forcefully transplanted into another. How ironic.

The drones floating above you don't help the eerie feeling of isolation much. But at least they aren't shooting everyone down yet. Though you destroy one before it can take your photo with a flick of your needlewands.

??????: Welcome to city 17!

You tune out the rest of the speech you already know, and get walking towards your inevitable destination.

You take in the sights you remember having a lot more polygons, and bask in the monotony of dull yellows and whites. You get a few comments on your way but you ignore them or make people quiet down.

The goons thankfully don't come equipped with sylladex scanners but even if they did your could just blast your way through, but that isn't your style.

GOON: Hey citizen come with me.

You walk down the corridor labelled 'security' following the goon and ignoring the sounds of protest coming from behind various doors until you are sat down in a chair yourself.

GOON?: Now.
GOON?: About that beer I owed ya.

Chapter Text

TRACK 6: As above, so below.

Your name is ROXY LALONDE and you don't remember getting drunk but that is pretty much the only option here. The familiar bitter taste in the back of your throat and the burn in your stomach aren't the only reasons though. You shouldn't be here. Wherever 'here' is. You were given a second chance and now you're who knows how deep underground. You'd call it ironic, but irony is usually at least a little funny.

Well, nowhere to go but up. You'd like to think that's funny but in the 2 second retrospect it's really not. But you guess you have to go forward since you can't fly for some reason.

??????: howdy!

Tf was that.

??????: down here!
ROXY: o
ROXY: um
ROXY: a flower is talkin 2 me
ROXY: ok
??????: hmph. well we don't see humans often down here either miss!
ROXY: yea that makes sense
FLOWEY: anyways, i'm flowey! flowey the flower!
ROXY: aw thats cute
FLOWEY: oh thanks!

Something about the way he says that sounds like seething. You don't know if you like that (you don't). But hey! One weird friend is better than no- Oh he kept talking

FLOWEY: anyways since you don't know anything, i'll help you out! :)
ROXY: alr ig
FLOWEY: finall- i mean alright! let's get started

> Roxy: get started

How about we be someone else for a bit?

Your name is MARI SUZUKI and the clouds of Propsit are as helpful as ever (NOT) in your search for answers.

>MARI: Visit Derse

You've done it already uh... Today? This cycle? Eh whatever. But there's not much else to do so it's better than nothing!

>MARI: Use transportalizer

On it! Ah, Derse.

How could anyone live here.

>MARI: Check on Sibling

You were planning on it.

You pass by some of your other friends as you fly through the dark sky of Derse.

>MARI: Notice person behind you

What pers-

AUBREY: what.

Shit.

MARI:
AUBREY:
MARI:
AUBREY:
MARI:
AUBREY: the fuck.
MARI: langua-!
MARI: *COUGHING*

Ow ow ow it hurts your whole body the pain. You have not spoken in uh. A long time. Suffice to say, it hasn't been good for you.

Chapter Text

WHAT THE FUCK. IS THIS.

I can explain I swear.

Oh my god.

Oh hey Dirk. What's up?

NO NO NO. YOU CANNOT BRUSH ME ASIDE LIKE THIS!
WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE?

It's called fanfiction Cal.
It's not that hard to understand.

WAIT. LIKE THAT FUCKING SHIT MY BITCHSISTER MADE?
HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH OOOOOOH YOU ARE PATHETIC!

Oh shut up you overblown stereotype.

Wait I forgot to ask but. Which Dirk are you?

Bell fuckin tower.

Eesh. That does answer my question I guess.

HOW DO I FUCK THIS THING UP.

This is an intermission, Cal. You can't influence the main story for at least another 3 (Technically 4) acts.

OH COME ON! I WANT TO FUCK THINGS UP!

How the fuck did I ever tolerate you.

i sometimes wonder that myself

WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU.

just someone who predominated the right way

You all are going to be the death of me.