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Izzy peeked into the Captain's quarters and found the main room empty. He had sort of dreaded the possibility of Edward lounging on a settee or – as he often liked to do – laying on the floor, but there was nobody around. Relieved, he stepped inside and bumped the door shut with his hip after him. "Bonnet?" he called out.
"In here!" came a voice from the open bathroom door. Izzy gripped the pile of clothes tight and limped over to the doorway. He was met with a freshly bathed shirtless Stede examining his face from a mirror, so up close that he could've been counting pores. "Good to see you, Izzy," the Captain flashed a smile, putting the mirror down.
"Sure," Izzy deadpanned and raised his arms a bit. "Where do I put these?"
Stede's eyes widened when he noticed the huge pile of fabrics the shorter man was holding. "What are these?" he asked, stepping close and feeling one of the clothes with his hand.
"Clothes," Izzy replied as if it wasn't obvious. "Fucking heavy ones."
"Right this way," Stede gestured for Izzy to follow him and practically flew out of the bathroom, not even bothering to grab his bathrobe on the way out. He patted an empty armchair with a knife hole through its backrest, courtesy of Edward. Izzy got the memo, dragged his ass back to the main room and dumped all the fabric in his hands onto the chair. He sighed and shook his exhausted arms.
"Where did you get all these?" Stede stared at the pile like a starving man would a plate of food.
"The chests. From the raid. That you were on, and actively participated in," Izzy spoke, trying as hard as possible to signal how stupid the question had been through his tone of voice.
Stede put a hand on his naked hip. "But I thought you said you were getting rid of them?"
Izzy threw his hands up in a vague shrug. "Democracy won," he said. "Crew looked through it, and got attached like they always do. After they fought through their favorites this is all that was left that could even sorta fit you. Size-wise, I mean."
Stede's eyes sparkled as he stepped closer to Izzy. "This is incredible. Thank you so much," he beamed, and Izzy had to let out a huff of laughter. Stede was acting as if he hadn't had the money to buy all of these things mere months ago.
"You'll take them, then?" Izzy asked, moreso out of fear of having to haul the pile back.
"Of course!" Stede scoffed with a laugh.
Izzy gave a short nod and turned to leave. "Knock yourself out," he said at the door, but didn't even get to turn the doorknob before getting interrupted.
"Wait, where are you going?" Stede yelled after him.
Izzy looked over his shoulder, genuinely amazed by the lack of situational reading skills of Stede Bonnet. "Away?" he suggested with a raised eyebrow. "I have a job, you know."
"But–" Stede lifted up the topmost cloth from the pile, a hideous purple number. "I can't fit all of this in my closet! I'm gonna need a critic!"
"So ask Edward," Izzy retorted, perhaps with more spite in his voice than he'd liked.
"He's out fishing with Fang. He's really gotten into that," Stede said, momentarily smiling softly at the thought of his beloved having a fun time. "And out of everyone here you're the most critical of me. You're the perfect man for the job!"
He stared at Izzy with pleading eyes and Izzy knew he'd lost the battle before it had even begun. Fucking Stede Bonnet and his fucking compliments and pretty eyes . "Fine." Izzy turned on his heel and made a show of angrily stomping over to the sitting area, crashing onto the second armchair.
"Most excellent!" Stede practically jumped from joy, excitedly snatching a few more clothes from the pile. "Wait there."
He rushed back into the bathroom and slammed the door shut after. Izzy groaned to himself, sinking further into the chair. "Make it quick!" he yelled loud enough to make sure Stede heard every syllable. He didn't have time for this tomfoolery.
"Will do!" came a response from the other room.
At least Izzy could say that Stede kept his promise, because it only took another minute or two for the Captain to emerge from his bathroom, sporting a light blue blouse with a white vest and dark grey breeches. He twirled around excitedly, showing off every silver detail to a very unimpressed Izzy.
"So? What's the consensus?" Stede asked and stopped to pose in front of the chairs.
"I dunno," Izzy shrugged. "Looks shit."
"What? Why?" Stede exclaimed, genuinely offended.
Izzy rolled his eyes. "I know fuckall about fashion."
"Well, just–" Stede clenched his jaw, "just say if I look good in them."
'You'd look good in anything' was the first thing that popped into Izzy's head, but he very quickly defueled that fire. He popped his peg leg onto a footrest and made himself more comfortable as he thought about an appropriate response. "It's… fine. Uneventful. You've worn better, you've worn worse."
Stede turned around, looking at himself through the full body mirror. "I think you're right," he frowned a bit, popping his collar to see if it would do anything. "The pants are nice, a good basic."
"Sure," Izzy said, not even particularly listening. "The pants are great." They made Stede's ass look great, at least.
Stede clearly wasn't discouraged by the lukewarm start to his little fashion show, because he spun around and shut himself back into the bathroom with a determined smile. He soon returned with a new costume – a black frilly blouse, high-waisted knee-pants and matching knee socks attached to the trouser legs with garter belts. Izzy straightened his posture a bit, significantly more intrigued.
"I have the perfect boots for this!" Stede said, speeding over to the other end of the room and sliding to a halt on his socks. Izzy spent the time it took for Stede to find what he was looking for ogling at the Captain and trying to form an actual opinion that wasn't just 'it's shit' or anything horny.
After flipping his entire shoe collection upside down Stede finally emerged victorious, a pair of boots on his feet. Izzy gave credit for the thought; they were, in fact, quite perfect. Shiny and black with pretty grey laces. "So, give it to me straight," Stede commanded, parading around the mirror like a peacock.
Izzy did not think he could say anything straight at the moment. "You rarely wear black," he commented. He wasn't sure if he'd ever seen Stede in all black – the red shirt-black breeches-combo he'd been wearing since the cursed ship raid was the darkest colors Izzy remembered him wearing.
"I feel like it makes me look pale," Stede said, adjusting one of the garters.
"You're a white man. You always look pale," Izzy hummed. He took note of how the fabric of the blouse changed depending on the light, revealing a very subtle floral pattern. "Trying to win me over with this one, Bonnet?" he asked, a slight grin dancing on his lips.
Stede looked at him through the mirror. "Might be," he replied, jutting out his hip just a tad but enough for Izzy to notice. "Is it working?"
A proper smirk made its way to Izzy's face and he leaned back in the chair, taking in the view. He would've been a fool to claim that Stede did not look good. The clothes fit him so well they might as well have been tailored just for him, hugged his body in all the right areas, and the garter belts were driving Izzy just a little bit insane. "Keep it," he ordered.
"Thought as much." Izzy could've sworn he saw Stede wink at him through the mirror but the moment was gone so quick that it may have easily been the late afternoon sun playing tricks on him. What was real was the heat that was making its way up his neck and towards his ears as he watched Stede leave the room once again. Jesus Christ .
The next four outfits went by in a flash. An ugly salmon red suit set with golden details so hideous that Izzy had had to pour himself a glass of wine – 'burn it'. A decent earth-toned number that didn't look too out of place on a pirate ship – 'keep it', hesitantly. A seafoam green jacket that Izzy said looked like boogers – 'toss it'. A pink and purple outfit that they argued over ten minutes on and ended up keeping.
Two piles of clothes were starting to form on the previously empty couch, benevolently named the Keeper Pile and the Fucking Ugly Pile. So far Izzy was not pleased with how little items had made their way to the latter. Stede stepped out of the bathroom for the seventh time, a long dark blue jacket on. It had intricate silver detailing on the hems and cufflinks, as well as sewn-in sequins that made the fabric look like the night sky. The pants were a matching set, a deep inky blue.
Izzy twirled the rest of his wine in the glass and took a sip. "At least that could work as camouflage during a nighttime raid," he commended the costume.
Stede spun around in front of the mirror, catching the setting sun with the sequins and sending little dots of light dancing all over the room. Izzy squinted. "Never mind. You're a fucking beacon."
"It's stunning," Stede said with the voice of a man who had fallen in love. "And soft! Test the fabric." He stepped back from the mirror and extended his arm toward Izzy. The man sighed and leaned forward, petting the sleeve.
"Yeah, it's fine," he rolled his eyes. "Velvety."
Stede frowned at the lack of excitement. "You're bringing down the vibes," he crossed his arms.
"Need I remind you that it was you who forced me to stay?" Izzy asked and leaned back into the chair, emptying his glass of wine on the way. "Not my fault all of these clothes are horrific."
"You pick an outfit, then," Stede gestured at the remaining pile of clothing. They'd gotten through about half of it so far. "Captain's orders!"
Izzy looked at the pile like it had personally insulted him. Then, he remembered a specific garment he'd had a good chuckle at before tossing it into the mix. "Sure thing, Captain ," he flashed a grin and reached over, not wanting to leave the comfort of the armchair. He rummaged around the fabrics for a bit before finding what he was looking for and throwing it at Stede. "Off you go," he said with a slanted smirk.
Stede responded with a slightly weirded out smile of his own and rushed into the bathroom, not even bothering to look at what Izzy had given him. Izzy made himself comfortable and twiddled his thumbs, suddenly very patient of the other man's antics. He knew the end result would be worth the wait.
"Hey! What is this?" he heard a shout through the closed door.
"An outfit!" Izzy yelled back.
"This is a– Izzy, this is a dress !"
The man in question grinned so wide he was afraid his face would split apart. "Does it fit?" he asked, stifling a laugh by coughing.
"That is not the point!" Stede sounded irritated, which brought Izzy great pleasure.
"Come on, you wanted me to pick. Let's see it."
Stede muttered something back, but it was too quiet to make its way to Izzy. He smiled, pleased with himself, and closed his eyes to bask in the early evening sun glow that had turned from irritating to downright glorious. It took a lot longer for Stede to return than it had for the other outfits, but once he came into Izzy's sight the shorter man was glad he didn't have any wine in his mouth to spurt through his nostrils.
The dress was a dark silvery grey with the inner paneling being a much lighter silver tone. It had ornate detailing sewn in with silver thread and too many shiny details to count rippling down the edge of the outer layer. They obviously didn't have a crinoline to poof out the skirt like it was meant to, but the petticoat seemed to do an okay job at that considering the setting. The sleeves were classically tight around the shoulders and cascaded down into waterfalls of white and silver ruffles.
The most shocking thing about the situation was that Stede did not look bad in the dress. Sure, he had a somewhat embarrassing scowl on his face and the dress was not created with a full grown man's measurements in mind – namely the bust area desperately needed more filling – but overall he looked quite stunning. Trying to ignore the revelation in his mind, Izzy burst out laughing.
"Shut up!" Stede shouted at him, though it had even less bite than usual considering the way he looked. He angrily twirled around to look at himself in the mirror while Izzy bent over heaving with laughter. "What's so funny? I look great!"
Izzy wiped a tear from the corner of his eye and put the wine glass down so he wouldn't shatter it. "That's the funny part," he snorted, trying to breathe to come down from his high.
Stede attempted to cross his arms, but the fabric around his biceps was too tight to allow it. He wanted to be angry, but he couldn't help but feel happy to see Izzy having a good time. God knew the man needed that. "This is a well made dress. Never even saw Mary wear anything this fancy," he said, observing the intricate details on the sleeves. "And, it didn't rip when I was trying to fit myself in it, so that's telling."
"How did you even manage that?" Izzy asked, genuinely impressed. Stede shrugged with a small smirk. "Whatever. Go on, give us a twirl then."
The Captain rolled his eyes but simply could not resist the temptation, spinning around like a ballerina. Izzy cackled and gave him a small applause. "Fuck, wish we had Spriggs to capture this moment," he sighed, leaning back into the armchair after one more hearty belly laugh.
"This stays between us," Stede said and pointed a supposedly threatening finger at the other man. "Now help me get this damn thing off!"