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He hates team bonding.
After the 141 formed Price thought it would be very important for them all to spend as much time as a team together. To be dependent on each other, to open up, to find each other's strengths and weaknesses and to work together better.
Of course, price doesn't call them team bonding. If he did, Ghost wouldn't be there, he hates it. Price says they will just sit down together and drink and talk a bit, to relax. Just something casual. But once they start talking, they start talking till the new day starts. Price does it without them noticing, one starts talking and the others join.
And getting Soap to talk was easy. Price asks him one question and they end up carrying themselves to bed like 7 hours later.
Sometimes the conversations are stupid, casual and nothing deep (“How can you like them! Manchester United is stupid! They don't play good!” “As if the Scots do-” “Aye shut yer mouth, Kyle. You don't even watch sports-” “Son, its common sense-” “COMMON SENSE?!”)
Sometimes they were very meaningful, close to who they actually are. (“Churches always make me a bit anxious. Remind me of my dad yelling at me for not praying right, yer know?” “I was never allowed in church. thought I taint their name with my father's name.” “I'm sorry, Kyle. Getting judged because of your father is awful.” “Heh, could sing an orchestra about it.”)
Today, price dragged them to team bonding and took off his shirt.
Okay, he didnt take it off right away. He pulled them to the rec room where there were two mattresses laid out between the sofas, table moved away. There were too many blankets for him to count and at least two pillows per member. Before any of them could leave, he locked the door, made the light low and threw Ghost onto the mattresses, forcing him onto the ground.
“We are doing team bonding-” “No-” “No choice, Riley.” Price laid down on top of him to force him to the ground and he'd easily be able to lift him off the ground, if Soap and Gaz didnt lay down on top of Price, weighing him down onto the floor. When he agreed to stay for the team cuddles, they finally rolled off of him but cuddled trapping him.
He knew that if he asked, they'd let him go and leave, but honestly, it felt nice to be touched in such a soft way. what if he is a little touch-starved? Everyone is. they ended up pulling out some alcohol at some point, talking freely under the influence and asking each other questions. They weren't lying on the floor anymore, now sitting up across from each other with their backs to the sofa, legs entangled in each other.
Kyle sat next to him, Price across from them on the right, Johnny on the left. Johnny asked Price about a scar that goes from his neck down his shirt, which made Price take off his shirt and the others whistle. Price started telling the story of the scar across his back, a metal shard lodged its way into his back when he fell out of a helo and left the permanent scarring but no other damage.
That’s what got them talking, the other three taking off their shirts as well so they could talk and ask each other about their scars. Ghost even took off his mask at some point but he was turned away from them most of the time, not quite fine with them seeing his face a lot yet. He trusts them but he doesn't know if he can trust himself.
Kyle told them himself about a scar he got on his shoulder from when he was dangling out the helo, the fabric of his jacket digging into his shoulder and breaking the skin there and leaving permanent damage. He didnt mind though, it is kind of cool. Price asked him about the scar on his stomach, which was a gun wound by a missed shot by an officer when he was still in the police station.
Johnny told them that the scar on his chin was from a dumb accident. He tried to do a skate trick when he was 12 and ate dirt instead. He kept scratching it open so it stayed permanently. He asked about the scar on his arm, a bite wound caused by an enemy k9 attacking him, causing his deep hatred for dogs.
Price showed them a scar on his stomach, Nikolai stabbed him when they met for the first time. They laugh about it now and it's Nik's favourite scar, getting all the extra attention when they take care of each other's scars. Johnny asked the story behind the scars all over his bicep, Price telling them a story of him being stuck in barbed wire for a few hours.
When it was his turn, Kyle asked the question. “Where did you get those scars from?” Kyle pointed at his own lower stomach and sides, tracing over where the scars were on Ghost's body on his own to show which ones he meant. Ghost traced over his own, looking down at the stretchmarks on his stomach.
Oh yeah, he forgot he never told them.
Of course, he never told them, he doesn't know if even Price knows. The matching scars on his other side were hidden by burns from a mission some time ago, the stretch marks the only thing left behind by his baby boy. His tiny son, his little Jonah.
“I was pregnant once.” Soap choked on whatever drink he had, Gaz's jaw fell and Price's eyes widened. Team bonding was going well.
“Pregnant!? As like” Johnny did the pregnant belly motion “pregnant pregnant?!” He lets out a chuckle at the demonstration. “Yes, pregnant. Grew a whole human inside my body. Stretchmarks came from the pregnancy, there would be matching ones here” he tapped on the burnt skin on the other side “but as you can see, there's a burn scar now.” The others were still staring in shock, trying to imagine him pregnant.
“Can we… Can we ask about it?” Kyles's question was careful. “Sure. If I don't want to answer, I'll word out. I'd be surprised if you didnt have questions.” Price snapped out of his shock, Johnny would probably still be stuck in shock for a bit and Kyle was ready to overwhelm him with questions, curious about the Ghost he hadn't had time to meet yet.
“When? Like when was the kid born.”
Simon leaned more into the sofa, thinking back to that time. “11th of January, 2000. Bolton. Quick birth, 3 hours I think. Was a bit late, should've still been born in 1999, but decided to be a 2000 baby.” He ran his hand over his stomach, over the stretch marks, remembering the absolute pain it was to carry the kid with him and the relief of not having that weight anymore.
Price's eyebrows furrowed. “Why Bolton, you're from Manchester I thought?” He nodded.
“I am, kids not. Ran away to Bolton when I found out I was pregnant. Didnt want to raise him around my family and didnt want to prove to my dad that I am a social reject. He mocked me about bein’ pregnant a bit before I found out and said that if I became a parent, I'd kill it right away. I couldn't have raised the kid in that environment. I couldn't kill it either. It felt wrong to do that, the first time. Maternal urges or some shit. So I ran away.”
“but I thought you lived with your family. You know, before Christmas.” Price's words were confused and on edge. He didnt want to trigger Simon but wanted to know more.
“I did. The kid did too. But he was born in Bolton and lived there till 2000… 2003? I think 2003. Came back to visit my family again, to see if the kid could grow up with an uncle and a grandma. Wanted to check on them. Tommy was a drug addict, Harold was somewhere on the street gettin’ every std possible and Mum was burnt out to the ground. It was… not good.” He quiets a bit, the others waiting for him to continue.
“I… god, this is the first time I'm talkin’ about this, Sorry.” Price ran a hand over his leg to calm him a bit and s,iles at him softly, which made him cover his eyes. “I requested an extended leave. Tried to get my brother off of drugs and helped my mum with the household. Didnt even talk with my dad. My mum was gettin’ better but my brother got worse while I was there. Just turned 19. Yelled at me for leavin’ for the army just to return.”
His hands were shaking a bit at the retelling. It was not a good time. “I told him about the kid that night. That I didn't leave for the army, but for the kid. So the kid wouldn't end up like the total fuck up that we were. He stopped doing drugs after that. Or tried to stop, it was hard, but he wanted to meet the kid. Made him wake up, you know.” His heart hurt at the memory of his brother's eyes when he told him about Jonah, the absolute sadness.
“Did he get tae?” Johnny finally got out of his shock. He pulled his hand off his eyes, looking at Johnny. “Oh, yeah. When he was clean for 3 months I think. Kicked my dad out, rid the house of drugs and Tommy was stable and nice enough to meet him. We moved in with them from Bolton after that, I went back to serve and the kid stayed with my family. Grew up with gramma and uncle around all the time, and his pappa when he had time.”
Price hummed, getting his attention again. “How did your mum and Tom react to…” “Jonah.” “To Jonah?”
He let his head fall back and let out a groan. “God, it was awful,” he heard the others take in a sharp breath “They spoiled him so much in just the few hours they saw him.” a collective sigh was let out.
“Tommy loved Jonah. Tried to pick him up but he was too weak to because of the drugs. It made him cry later, at least that's what my mum told me. My mum loved Jonah as well, especially cause he looked a lot like baby me and she found it adorable. Carried him the whole time there, cried a bit when he fell asleep on her. It was… It was good. Very sweet.” His happiness when he finally was able to pick up Jonah was adorable.
“You got a picture?” “Mmm, I should have some on my phone” he pulls it out and opens his drive app “I think I pulled most of the pictures on my laptop and saved them on one of my drives, let me check.” Kyle looked over his shoulder, curious to get the first glance of the boy.
“How do you do that?” Price asked “I'll show you later, old man. Some of us understand technology.” The other two laughed at Price's grumbling as Simon finally scrolled to the time the pictures were taken. He showed Kyle the picture first, who cooed at it, his eyes soft with love.
It was a picture of Tommy, Jonah and him. It was the first time Tommy picked up Jonah, he looked close to tears as he realised he could finally lift the kid, that he was finally healing. Simon himself was holding his hands out, ready to take the kid if necessary but his eyes were filled with unbelievable pride and love. Watching his son and brother interact.
“That is Tommy, right?” he nods, smiling a bit at his brother's happy face “You guys look very different.” He finally turned his phone to show the pic to the other two who were brooding about Kyle seeing first. They stopped the second they saw the picture, Johnny covering his mouth in awe and Price looked close to tears. “We did, yeah, but we looked more alike the longer I was on T..”
Price looked up at him, comparing the kid to him. “The kid is adorable, holy shit.” He couldn't agree more. Jonah, thank god, looked more like him than the father. His brown hair matched his brown eyes, the face shape being a copy of his as well. It always made him so happy. “He looks like a tiny copy of you, that’s adorable.” He pulls his phone back, looking for another picture.
“Where-” Kyle cut himself off, deciding to not ask the very obvious question. “Ask.” “Where… where was the “dad”?” he put dad in quotation marks which was quite fitting. “Probably choked on his saliva to death the day after we fucked- Not fucked. It was not… It… yeah, no. Doesnt matter. It was good that he never was in the kid's life.” Price's hand stalled on his leg, tensing before returning to soothe him.
The tension had heightened a bit. That was not nice. He kept searching for one specific picture that just didnt want to be found.
“What was it like being pregnant? Especially with you being trans.” Johnny's questions were careful and he appreciated it. A sign that he could refuse to answer the questions with no issue, the other making sure he knew there was an out if he needed it. That’s sweet.
“I… I wasn't against it like I thought I should be. Okay, well, that doesn't sound like I wanted to. I hated being pregnant, it was the worst experience ever. I was alone, pregnant from a guy taking advantage of me, broke as fuck and terribly dysphoric. But… I don't know.” Price stretched towards him and rubbed his shoulder. “take your time, let it out.”
He thought back to his time as a single parent, the time he found out he was pregnant. He wasn't… against it. He was never against it. He wasn't just confronted with that thought when he got pregnant, he had thought that years before that already, especially once he realised his identity.
The thought of being a mother, having those motherly urges and that body and being in love with it wasn't one he hated. He does now, that thought now tainted by crying in the bathroom as he got rid of it himself, but he never hated himself for having those urges. “It was… weird. I always wanted to have a kid. I don't know why, but something inside me told me to have a kid. Maternal urges or something. I should have hated myself for it.”
“Why?” Kyle and Johnny said at the same time. “Cause it's not normal. I'm a man, I should not want to have a kid, shouldnt want to be pregnant. But then I was and I knew, deep down, I should've aborted but I couldn't. I'm not a man if I got pregnant, only women got pregnant, but I could not get myself to get rid of him. I was able to, after him, but never him. I need to raise him, even if it wasn't right.”
He thought about how to explain that feeling to the others. They were cismen, how were they supposed to understand that feeling of wanting to have a kid while deep down knowing you shouldnt have one, that it was wrong. “There is a reason Jonah never had a sibling. Every kid after was aborted. I could not go through that again, it's why I was so loud about abortion when we talked about it. But I needed to have Jonah. I needed to have this bundle of love. I… I needed to be a mother.”
His hands sat on his stomach, running over where the little bump was when he was pregnant. His head was turned up, so none of them could see his face, too many emotions showing there. “You… you know you are still a man even if you got pregnant once, right? Even if you were the mother, right?” He nods.
Logically, he knows. Just cause he got pregnant with fuckin 19 and couldn't bring himself to get rid of the kid, doesn't make him less of the man he is now. There are enough transman dads that went through the same. But it was different for him. It just was. “I know I just. I don't know. I need a drink.”
One of the others handed him a drink, he drank it down straight with no thought.
“I was pregnant with 19, fuckin’ 19. I joined the military two years later, giving Jonah under the watch of a grandma in my apartment buildin’, goin’ on leave as often as I can. Only once I was back with my family was able to give him a proper life, one with a safe home. I shouldnt have had this kid, I should never have been a parent but I wanted to be so deeply. I wanted to see Jonah grow up. I wanted to-”
“You wanted to be better than your dad.” He lets out a shaky breath at that, Kyle rubbing his shoulder. “Were you a good dad?” his head rolled back to the front, looking at Price in tears. “I was the dad I wanted to see in the world.” His voice broke embarrassing often during this sentence.
Price smiled at him softly, his eyes warm. “Then you were an awesome dad.” “Fuck off.” The others laughed at his reaction as he aggressively wiped away his tears. “Can we keep asking about him or do you want to switch the topic?” Oh, they were too soft for him.
“Ask away, I'm too deep in now.” The smile Johnny gave him was worth the decision to go through his emotions again.
“You went to the military despite having the kid?” “Yeah. He was born in 2000 when I was 19, joined the army in 2001 at 20 and he a year old. It worked for me. A sweet lady watched him while I was on duty till I moved in with my family again.” His heart warms at the memory of miss Blake, sweet cat lady.
“What was his name again?” “Jonah. Jonah Riley.”
People called him crazy for choosing to name his kid after his brother and choosing his second name for his son.
He didnt care, his brother was very dear to him. Is very dear to him.
“Because of Tommy. Tom. Tommy, my brother. Tommy Jonah Riley.” He answered the question before they asked.
“He did the same for you, right? Called his kid after you.” He smiled at that. “Yeah. Came back to help after Joseph was born. Tommy shocked me when he told me the full name, Joseph Simon Riley. Almost passed out. I thought he hated me, I didn't think he would do that. There’s a video of me finding out, it’s cute.” His phone was back in his hand again, the video was right there, ready for him to play.
The others moved closer to him, Price and Johnny finally switching sides and squeezing between them.
The video was shaking, his mum trying her best to hold the camera still. Tommy sat on the edge of Beth's bed, Joseph in his arms while he looked worried at Beth. She had a few issues during the birth and pregnancy that caused a long, painful birth which made her rest for a long time. Tommy was very worried about her, it was adorable.
Jonah, now a six-year-old, stood at Tommy's side, standing on his tippy toes to try and get a look at Joseph. The kid was always calm and curious, thankfully never too much stress to handle. The others were cooing at his little tippy-toe jumps and Tommy patting his head. There was a knock after a knock after a bit of coddling, the camera panning over to the door.
A very tired and very exhausted Simon came into the room, still in his uniform and the backpack heavy on his back. “PAPA!” Jonah ran over to him, his tiny footsteps adorably sounding through the room. He knelt and opened his arm, welcoming his boy into his arms, holding him tight and burying his face into his hair.
The other melted at the display of parental love, so unexpected from the big brooding man they usually now. “Look at his little jacket,” Kyle said in awe, melting at the jacket with a tiny skeleton holding a big skeleton's hand, the others following close by. “Favourite jacket. Till he grew big enough to wear mine with ‘Sergeant Riley’ on the back.”
In the video, he finally stood up, patting his son's head before he moved towards the room, to his mum to hug her. “You look like you haven't slept in a while,” she said, filming down his back, showing Jonah grabbing onto his backpack. “I haven't, 36 hours awake already, I'll sleep later.” He pulled away, smiling at her and the camera, Johnny dramatically putting his hand over his heart and throwing his head back, like he was shot with love.
“Fuck off.” The Scot just laughed at him. He looked softer and warmer, hair still brown and not white from stress and fewer scars on his face. But very tired, the 36 hours of being awake very evident. “Papa” Jonah tugged on his arm, pulling him to Tommy. “Yeah ‘Papa’, I also want a hug.” The baby was back with Beth, Tommy standing now with his arms spread.
“Never call me that again or I'll cut your balls off.” Simon turned around and walked to Tommy. The brothers pulled each other into a hug, holding the other like they were the only ones left in the world. Jonah pulled at both their pants, wanting to see the baby very badly but being too small to.
“Take off your backpack, you fuckin’ American. Then you can meet the kid.” Price turned to him in confusion at the American. “I was deployed in the US before that. That's where I met Alex for the first time.” He put his backpack on a chair assigned to him before turning and putting his hands on his hips, mischief glinting in his eyes.
“well I'll be damned, look at what the cat dragged in." All of them let out a groan at the aggressive Southern American accent he pulled out, absolutely botched by his Mancunian
own. “You're so dumb.” “I’m your brother, that's what I am.” He walks over to Beth, bending over to hug her and look at the baby. “Hi baby, oh my god, you are tiny.”
His words were soft, absolutely in awe with the baby on Beth's chest. “Want to hold-” “Mhm.” She carefully puts the baby into his arms, already ready to hold the kid. He stands up straight, mouth open with shock as he looks at the tiny bundle of joy. “He is tiny.” “Tinier than Jonah at birth?” “Oh fuck yes.”
Beth chuckled at him. “He's tiny?” “Jonah was double his size-” “Oh god.” Beth holds her hands over her stomach, obviously thinking how painful this must be. “Yeah but he was born in 3 hours, not 16, so it's fine.” The kid was pulling on his papa's pants, really wanting to see the bundle of joy. “I want to see.”
“I know.” Simon knelt down at Jonah's height, holding the baby towards him. Jonah was looking at him in just as much awe now, looking at his tiny cousin. He was careful as he touched him softly, Simon ready to pull away if needed and Tommy standing there in case he needed to take the kid from Simon. The kid instead ran to his grandma, confusing both of them. “What is his name?”
Simon looked at his brother, standing up now that the kid ran to his grandma and hugged her with a happy smile. He made a silly face at the baby, making it laugh a tiny giggle and making his team giggle as well. “Joseph.” He snorted at that name, ready to make a joke when Tommy continued. “Joseph Simon Riley.” His smile fell and he looked at Tommy in shock.
“You're jokin’, right? Your fuckin with me, right?” Tommy laughs at him, the younger sibling's mischief shining through. “Nope. The documents say Joseph Simon Riley.” There was no real movement for a minute, Simon just processing, obviously not having expected that answer. He looked increasingly paler, emotions running high with no way out.
“You… Do you need me to take the baby? You look like you're about to pass out.” Tommy joked, till Simon frantically nodded, pushing the baby towards Tommy who instantly took it, concern filling his eyes. “You okay-” “No.” His knees buckled under him, slowly sliding onto the floor, Tommy kneeling next to him once the kid was back with Beth who called a nurse with a button push.
The video ended and he swiped to the next before the others could speak up, showing him on the chair from before, a nurse taking his vitals and attaching an IV. “It happens more often than you'd think, don't blame yourself.” Tommy looked like a kicked dog, holding Jonah on his lap who was distracted by Joseph, not even looking at his dad. “Especially with those dumb soldiers that don't sleep enough.”
“... Do you at least like the name, Si-” “I do, I do. I love it, just a lot.” Tommy relaxed at that, turning his attention to his son again who squealed a bit. “What is it like to be an uncle, Simon?” His mum asked behind the camera, zooming in on him. He gives her a thumbs up. “Awesome.” The video ends.
“Ye passed out because of a name?” He huffed at that, close to hitting the other man for saying it was just a name.
“It's not just a name, it's my nephew's name. Imagine your sister called her firstborn John. Don't call it just a name, John. Also, I only almost passed out, Tommy did pass out when he learned Jonah's name.” The others laughed at that. Or at least, almost all of them. Price stared at him a bit.
“Do hate your mum?” The question caught him off guard. The other two as well, choking on the air. It made him think about his relationship with his mother.
He didnt hate her. That was not his first emotion towards her. But it was there, deep down. The hatred. He just doesn't understand her. He saw Jonah and he doesn't know how you could not want to protect that little bundle of life. Yet his mum could let him get hurt. She watched and didnt help. He wanted to be better.
“I think deep down I do. I don't hate her for not being able to get away from him. She hoped to see the sweet man she met before the drugs. I hate her, deep down, for letting him abuse me. For not stopping him, for not taking the hit. As soon as I took a hit and she didnt stop him anymore, I was the target. I just... I don't understand how she could've let that happen.”
The others waited for him to talk, they all listened to him closely he could tell that much.
“I saw Jonah and I would die for him. I did kill for him. If I saw him get hit by my lover, I would've beaten the shit out of him. But my mum… she just let him. She let him hit me over and over again. I hate her for it. She gave so much for us, I know, but sometimes it felt like she gave us nothin’. Like she just cared for us enough not to die, but not beyond. I don't get that.”
“But you don't hate her?”
“Not really. I just wish she was a better parent.”
He swiped on his phone, showing an older picture of Jonah and him. Jonah was 9, wearing his sergeant jacket while he hugged him one last time. “I loved him so much. So, so much. He was my kid, my everything. I could not bear watching him get hurt by someone I love. How did she?” Price puts an arm around him and pulls him close.
“You… You always talk about him in the past tense. …Why?” Kyle's question was quiet, like he knew the answer but didnt want it to be real.
“...Christmas.” “Oh, Simon” He threw his phone away from him, not wanting to see the picture of his son, well and alive, hugging his dad before he's deployed to Mexico only to return broken. He was never mad or angry towards Jonah or Joseph, if anyone saw his outbursts it'd be the adults, but he knew the kids knew he was fucked. But he was trying. Trying so hard.
“I hate Christmas-” his breath stutters, letting himself feel those feelings for once and not shutting them away “I ran to save them. I was hurt myself, shot in the stomach, but I ran. I ran like there was no tomorrow. I was late, I was late! My brother first, the other two next. They killed the kids last, made them watch how their, their fucking family died. In front of them!”
He retched a bit, the air coming out wrong, tears choking him. It hurt to talk but they deserve to hear him cry.
“I don't even know which one died first, which one had to watch their cousin die, even if it was just for a second. All because I was a fucking social reject that thought he was more than he is.” He pulls his hair, a few strands following his hand when he pulls away, “I thought I could finally find something to live for, something to be for, more than just a killing machine but-” he choked again, Price soothing him a bit.
“And just. It's awful. I went through so much, my entire family did, and then- then they end up just- just dead-” There was another hand on his shoulder, he doesn't know which. “I wasn't able to live my life, and theirs was taken before they could even comprehend it.” He felt awful, emotions too much for him to handle, making him dizzy.
“It should have been me-” “Can I touch you?” he turned his face to Kyle, sad puppy eyes looking at him with more emotions than he ever felt, he only nodded in agreement. Kyle threw himself into his arms, hiding his face in his neck. His arms wrapped around the not-so-stable man, taken aback by the emotions the other felt. “I'm sorry-”
“Don't.” Price interrupted him, face in his hands. “Don't apologise. That was good, you did good.” He did not even notice Price pull away, surprised to see the other crying into his hand. “I think that was enough team bonding for tonight.” The others laughed wetly, at some point crying with him as well without him noticing.
“Can we… Can we just lie down and sleep? Ah think that was enough for tonight.” They all agreed with the Scot, getting into action once all their tears stopped.
They did not really talk anymore as they lay down together, the others wrapped around him. Price lay next to him, offering himself as an awesome pillow as his head lay on his chest. Kyle used him as a pillow instead, head on his chest while Johnny did something similar, putting his head on his stomach instead, running his hand over the scars that started this.
“Thank you for listening.” It was more a whisper to Price than the other. They listened, but Price read between the lines and opened him right up for the team to see. He ran his hand through the sergeant's hair, lulling them both to sleep to not think too much about it. “Of course. Always, Son.” Price leant down and placed a soft kiss on his hair. Something he used to do as well.
“Good night, Kid.” “Good night, Dad.”
Sleep well, Jonah.