Chapter Text
Severus cringed in on himself, trying to ignore the burning pain in his chest and back. His ribs creaked and ached.
He had no choice, not anymore.
With a forced air of calm he speed walked through the halls of Hogwarts, looking for a safe room to hide in. Time after time he had to ignore rooms due to children wandering about the halls. Too close. Too many witnesses who would see the first year ducking into an abandoned classroom for no reason.
"Sev!" Lily's voice echoed behind him, sounding stressed. He ignored her. "Sev! Wait up!"
No no no, he couldn't let her see him-
Severus hissed under his breath and glanced around as subtly as he could, senses straining for signs of anyone else. Nobody in the hall anymore. Nobody to see him running from his best friend-
He bolted around a corner, smoothing his gait to silence his steps as best he could in these ratty shoes.
"Sev! What's wrong?!" Lily cried out. The sounds of her shoes tapping against the cobblestones practically boomed in his ears.
His ears twitched- no, crap. Too sensitive. Not human. Leaking through.
Severus ran blindly, looking for somewhere that was at least quiet. He couldn't reach his usual safety zone out here. He couldn't find his nest and stretch and let out the painful tearing in his chest.
Sound pounded in his ears, overwhelming his mind to the point of incoherence. He couldn't think. Couldn't focus, could barely see the ground in front of him. He just clambered up steps and sprinted around corners until he felt less watched. Until his skin was too tight and his chest screamed in agony.
Severus slammed into a door, scrabbling for the handle and shoving it open weakly. It hurt. He was so close to writhing in pain, so close to screaming and attacking the next soft squishy being that entered his enraged sight.
He barely spared the thought to close the door behind him as he staggered into the old storage room. Cramped, dark, dusty- perfect. Close to safety. Close enough to what his instincts craved.
He fell to the floor as blue-green light flashed and the dark room was briefly lit up like the day sky. Severus grasped at the tiles, claws ripping stone into gravel. He gasped in pained relief. His body writhed against his wishes- too long as a human, too long clutching his disguise around him. He struggled to take it off now even as his body cried in pain for how long he'd been crushed into a form too small and contained.
One dark wing burst from his back in a spray of light, arching behind him and flailing. The second wing was slow to follow. There was no blood or gore but it tore at his magic like it was ripping itself free. Severus sobbed as his spine jolted and lengthened. His tail whipped against the ground, cracking the tiles.
This wasn't supposed to be like this. This wasn't supposed to hurt. He should wear both skins like they were his own. They were both his own. But forcing himself to stay human, forcing himself to be one alone- it burned. It hurt. It was torture.
It was short thankfully. Perhaps one to two minutes of rippling agony as his magic fought his body free of his human disguise. Severus laid there panting, whining, ears sealed shut to block out the overwhelming senses his natural state gave him.
It took him another minute to realize there was sound right next to him, a presence. He couldn't pin his focus down so narrowly right now. Severus snarled and launched himself at the presence in a panic. Never reveal yourself, never be seen, never.
He paused, heaving for breath, eyes struggling to focus on the small figure he held under his claws. Sight was easier than anything else but it was still fighting him. His magic didn't want to be restrained under pitiful human senses. Not like this. Not for so long. He couldn't pull his senses to the forefront, unfamiliar and foreign for all that they were the senses he'd been created with.
"Sev..?" The voice of the being whimpered underneath him. It echoed and banged around his head like a scream.
His eyes focused. Lily was there, nose and ears bleeding, looking terrified.
Before he could think, Severus scrambled up off of her. He warbled pathetically and backed up into a corner. His wings came up to huddle around him, protecting him from the world, hiding him from sight.
No no no, he should kill her. He needed to kill her. There were infinite places to hide amd disassemble a body in Hogwarts. He couldn't let a human see him and continue to live. It went against everything he was trained to do. Everything he was made for.
But Severus stayed in his curled up position, hands covering his face, tail wrapped around his legs, wings cloaked around him in a comforting embrace. The only comfort he'd ever truly known.
If it were anyone else in this room with him right now they'd be dead. But not her. Not Lily. His head ached and his chest burned, hot blood bubbling from the torn open scar on his chest.
Severus sobbed. He'd hoped to never involve Lily in the tangled mess of his life. He had nothing, nothing in this life that was truly his and his alone. He did not want to give up the one human who made him actually content with his lot in life. Everything was awful but he could content himself with this existence if Lily was there, smiling and kind and burning bright.
"Sev?" The soft call made him flinch, curling into himself further. How far could he bend himself into this position? He'd learn soon, even if it pulled at the bleeding scar on his chest.
"Go." It took him a few tries to make the growled word come out coherently.
"I'm not leaving you." Lily's voice was tinged with her usual stubbornness. His ears twitched, the echoes of growing resolve making him hiss.
"Lily, go. You don't know-" He choked. "You don't know what I'll have to do if you stay." Severus whispered.
"You won't hurt me." That resolve only strengthened in the pyre that was Lily's growing mind.
"Please." He begged. He'd already hurt her. He smelled human blood amidst the dust.
"Sev…" He stiffened as a small hand was placed against his wing, the thin stone twitching at the soft touch. She was warm and so, so gentle. "Please. Talk to me."
"I can't." He whispered.
"Why not?" Lily questioned. He didn't respond, stressed and too upset to wrangle his thoughts. "Severus, I… I just want to help. Please. Let me help you."
"You can't." Severus covered his ears with his hands, claws digging into his head and clutching at his horns. He needed her to stop. He could hear her mind racing, hear her determination, hear the way she refused to back down. He wanted to stop hearing it.
She wasn’t going to give in. Lily was hard headed and stubborn, the force of her will alone could do just about anything. And he… he couldn't bring himself to do what he was made to do. He couldn't kill her.
"You can't help me." Severus mumbled, mind racing as he settled on that irrefutable truth. Lily would not back down. And he did not want to kill her. It was… strange to think of something like that, something that could kill him and his Heart. A betrayal of his kind. For what? Some human child who was nice to him? Who cared? Whose mind burned so brightly he couldn't help but follow her, hoping for just a spark of that fire to linger?
He did not want to kill her. And for once in his life, Severus was going to do something he wanted.
He was going to not kill her.
Seemingly sensing that he was thinking things over, Lily stayed silent. Her hand stroked his wing as her mind percolated impatiently. She had a vicious thirst for knowledge that always took his breath away.
"I can't tell you, Lily." Severus said slowly, wings shifting. "They'll- they'll kill you, they'll kill me, they'll kill my-" No, don't mention that.
"Who?" Lily demanded, pyre blazing.
"I can't tell you." Severus whispered. "Because if I did, I would… I would have to kill you." Severus did not want to kill Lily. It was the second want he'd ever truly had. But there was always the first. "And I don't… I don't want to, even just this- just you seeing me I should- but Lily I don't want to hurt you, I'm sorry-" He wiped at his face with a whimper. Look at him, crying and sobbing like a whelp in front of a human.
Lily's mind was a comforting blaze as she thought carefully. "Then you don't have to tell me." She said as something clicked into place. She was resolute. Something had been declared in that sentence that made his breath hitch. "Are you okay? You… you were screaming."
Severus shuddered. His wings shuffled enough so that he could peer through a gap in them. Lily squinted at him, gasping.
"Your eyes…" She said with wonder.
"Your ears…" Severus replied, frowning as he noticed the blood at her temples. "I'm sorry, I…"
Lily winced and a hand went up to her head. "You were screaming… very loud."
Of course. His magic leaked into his voice and senses. Her nose was bleeding too, with several scrapes and bruises on her arms. He was too heavy- tackling her must have hurt.
"I'm sorry." He said slowly. "I wasn't… thinking, it was instinctual." He shifted his wings slowly to reveal his face and body.
"Lumos." Lily chanted, wand lighting up. He winced and she lowered it out of the way. "Sorry! I just- I can hardly see anything in here."
Right. Human eyes. She couldn't see in the dark.
"It's alright." He blinked a few times, eyes adjusting quickly.
Lily stared, fascinated. Her head even tilted as she leaned in close.
A very large part of Severus wanted to bark at her to back away and stop staring at him. The rest of him was still itchy and sore from the sudden forced transformation.
He sat up straight suddenly, rising to his feet.
"Did anyone see us enter?" Severus asked quickly, stalking to the doorway. He stumbled over his own clunky feet and claws on the way.
The human girl jumped in surprise to find him moving. "I don't think so?" She peered over towards the door worriedly.
He paused at the door, head tilted. Severus carefully flicked his inner ears open. He winced at first at the onslaught of sound. A moment to filter everything out and he could hear… well, a long ways away, to say the least.
No one was near enough to have seen his mad dash into the room, the only ones possibly nearby the hum of portraits. Severus focused. The portraits didn't think the same as humans, but he could still pick up traces of thoughts and sentences from them the same as any human.
Nothing out of the ordinary. Severus sighed quietly and pressed his hand to the wooden door. His claws scraped the wood, sea green light flowing until it sank into the door and disappeared. The particular twist of using his natural magic was always hard to manage compared to wizarding magic, but he knew a basic security spell at the least.
"What was that?"
Severus's ear flicked harshly, her thoughts a roiling bonfire behind him. He hunched in on himself.
'A spell? Same bright light as when he changed. Stone and dark colors. Bright light, best friend screaming, he was hurting-'
Severus shook his head, inner ears sealing back up to muffle her thoughts. At least… at least he heard the care and concern to her voice. It was… nice.
"Security, to make sure nobody can barge in." Severus mumbled unhappily. He could still hear her thoughts running around, though he tried to ignore them now. "Listen, Lily… just. Stay quiet. I don't… I can't answer any of your questions, alright?" He was so, so tired, wings slumping to drag across the floor. "I just need to stretch and get myself back together, then we can pretend this never happened."
No matter what she said, Severus ignored her until she grouchily accepted his silence.