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All this time I was wasting hoping you would come around…I've been giving out chances every time and all you do is let me down, and it's taking me this long, baby but I’ve figured you out
There was a moment he could pinpoint where it started to change for him, but knew it wasn’t changing for Jamie. They had been watching Phoebe’s football game, and Jamie had muttered to Roy how he couldn’t wait to have this with him one day. Roy had to have him clarify what he exactly meant, and Jamie looked at him with pure love in his eyes and explained. A family. Roy had nodded like he was agreeing, and Jamie turned back to the game with a blush on his face and a blinding smile. He continued to watch the game, looking at the kids running up and down the field. He wishes he was agreeing, but when Roy tried to picture a mini version of him and Jamie running up and down the field, he couldn’t do it. The future he always thought they’d have was nowhere to be seen.
Had to hide the way he stiffened at the thought because this was when it started to change. He noticed the shift in the way he started to see Jamie almost right away, which was fucking scary.
Jamie started to be an annoyance more than he was Roy’s partner. He felt like a dick thinking that, but that’s how he fucking felt. Roy was never good at communicating, so instead of saying these feelings, he suppressed them. He didn’t tell anyone he was feeling like this, apprehensive. Certainly, he didn’t tell Jamie. Just started to do small things that hopefully would lessen the new feelings he was starting to have.
Mostly, that just meant he started to ignore Jamie. He’d read his book silently, he started going to more yoga nights, and he’d put on a movie or show to try to deter Jamie from talking to him. He remembers that sometimes Jamie would go on and on chattering about something while he was pulling this move. He started to interrupt him with a kiss to stop the moment and Jamie would always accept it greedily. Roy could do sex with Jamie, but that’s when it was obvious he couldn’t bring himself to do anything else with him. Couldn’t even try to fake the relationship anymore. He started to go past him in their house, avoid dinner and date nights any chance he could, he’d even fall asleep on the couch late at night with the excuse he didn’t mean to, was just too caught up in a show he was watching.
He could only hope that Jamie would start to notice the change, maybe give him the chance to leave instead of Roy having to be the one to do it. But, if he does notice, he doesn’t give it away. He never stops date nights, he continues to initiate sex, tries to surprise Roy with his favorite desserts, and still gives him the drawings he makes with Phoebe despite Roy never hanging them up anymore. Roy knows he has to be the one to end it, especially after Jamie goes away for an event with the team. Some sort of bonding activity that Isaac wanted all of them to do. They were only gone for the weekend, and there wasn’t a time when Roy felt like he missed him. All he felt was dread to know Jamie would be coming back in such a short amount of time, and that’s when he knew it was done. It hadn’t just changed, it was over.
Roy remembers the evening he left Jamie sitting at the table. He felt nauseous at the sight of the food on the table despite it being his favorite meal. Jamie’s look on his face was almost like he knew it was coming but didn’t want to accept it happening then. He must have picked up on the changes in the relationship but didn’t want to bring attention to it for fear of what it meant. He was pale in the shirt he knew was Roy’s favorite.
Roy was a fucking dick when he did it. Offered Jamie the house like that would solve all the problems. Quite possibly the least he could do, not that it’s what Jamie wanted.
He had been trying to find a good time to do it, but when was it ever a good time to break up with someone he thought he would spend the rest of his life with? He said sorry multiple times and tried to reassure Jamie it wasn’t anything he did and it was all him. He tries to explain, but Jamie’s eyes are so distant and he isn’t listening to anything, not like Roy was explaining much. He mostly was just talking around the exact reason he was ending it, and couldn’t bring himself to tell Jamie he just wasn’t what he wanted anymore. He didn’t deserve that.
You don't have to call anymore, I won't pick up the phone…And you can tell me that you're sorry, but I don't believe you baby
Roy leads the secondary team the day after the breakup. Immediately everyone knows something is wrong, but he doesn’t touch on it and no one asks him anything. Despite being on the opposite end of the pitch of Jamie, he watches him. He looks like shit and he’s playing like it too. It’s not the usual Jamie, trying to show off. He doesn’t turn around after a good move and look for Roy. He’s just going through the motions, and it’s so unlike Jamie that he feels sick to his stomach. He’s unsettled by the immediate shift in both Jamie and their relationship despite knowing he’s the one who shifted it.
There are times when Roy has to interact with Jamie, of course. He was his coach. But, Jamie never really responded to him. He’d nod his head in acknowledgement, and then clarify with Beard or Nate later that this is what they wanted. It never went through Roy anymore.
There were times were Roy would try and squeeze in another apology to Jamie, but it never got past his lips. It was never going to be enough, and he didn’t think Jamie wanted to hear it. The only time they talked outside of the facility was when Roy asked permission to gather his belongings, and all Jamie did was send times he’d be out of the house for him to do it.
When Roy packed up his portion of their shared house, he was struck by the way how intertwined they were. And yet, he unraveled himself so fast while leaving Jamie in knots.
He could see the way the breakup affected Jamie by the way the house was when he came in. His shoes weren’t put away, the dishes weren’t done, and he could see all the takeaway containers in the trash. When he went into their room, the bed was exactly how it looked when he left. When he grabbed his book from the bedside table, it hadn’t even been moved an inch.
If anyone else had been here, it would look like he and Roy still lived together. Jamie hadn’t touched anything despite knowing Roy was coming over to pack up. He left it all for Roy to do, and he thinks this could be his punishment.
It even looks the same the next day he comes to finish. There’s just an added layer of takeout containers in the trash.
Looking so innocent, I might believe you if I didn't know
Roy had been done with the relationship long before he actually ended it, which is why he didn’t think of the consequences when he and Keeley rekindled once again only after a couple of months. It was a surprise to him, a surprise to her too, and one for fucking Jamie too. He didn’t want Jamie to see, especially only a couple of months after the breakup. But, it was inevitable.
That doesn’t mean he didn’t feel bad when he saw Jamie, Isaac, and Colin walk late onto the pitch. His first instinct was to yell at them, but could see the telltale signs on Jamie’s face that showed he was crying, and he held back. He put the pieces together of what happened.
He watched Jamie from his office that day after training. Jamie is the first one to leave the locker room. Roy couldn’t help but follow him out. He had followed him from behind, Jamie not stopping at all, just kept walking, but both of their footsteps could be heard echoing through the halls, so he knew Jamie was aware he was there. Jamie was about to slam open the last door when he grasped onto the handle. He didn’t turn around, but he did say, “What the fuck could you possibly want, Roy?”
The bitterness shocked Roy, even though it shouldn’t have. Roy stopped in his steps, straightened his back, and let the words settle over him. What could he say that would make this better? Was there anything he could say?
“This isn’t how you should’ve found out,” was what he landed on. He knew what should’ve come out was an apology, an acknowledgment of his wrongdoings, but that’s not what happened. Jamie did not react to it, not one that he could see. Roy just watched him shove the door open and calmly walk to his car.
It’s not a surprise when at the end of the season, Jamie has transferred to Chelsea.
This is the last straw there's nothing left to beg for
Roy doesn’t even know why he starts to entertain the idea from Chelsea. There’s not a chance he can take it, can’t pull that rug from Jamie like he did just a couple of years ago. Despite Chelsea being Roy’s home for almost all of his career, it was Jamie’s now. But, here he was in their facility talking to them. Negotiating for a better contract, like there’s any chance he’ll sign it. He leaves them with an open-ended answer, no confirmation but not an outright no. When he walks out of the facility, he sees Jamie’s locker, and he thinks that’s all he’ll get to see of him. Until it isn’t.
It’s complete chance that he runs into Jamie at the cafe, but it’s a conscious choice to go home with him. They easily fall into their old patterns, and Roy can’t believe he didn’t miss this with the reminder of all of it. The way Jamie moans into his mouth, desperate for him, even after everything they’ve been through. Both of them still know each other inside and out. It shocks Roy how little they’ve changed together, but how different both of them are.
Jamie asks him to say, and Roy can’t say no.
It’s when they’re eating dinner, after, when Roy tells him he’s been offered the position at Chelsea. Jamie already knows, and it doesn’t shock Roy. But, it does when what comes out of his mouth is him saying he’s not going to accept it. He says it like he didn’t just make the decision right there at the table. Jamie says he was hoping he wasn’t going to, and he shows no reaction. He can’t help but wonder what Jamie’s reaction would’ve been if he told him what he actually wanted to do. He thinks Jamie is looking for some sort of reaction from him, which is confirmed when Jamie asks him why he broke up with him. At first, he pretends he didn’t hear. He doesn’t back down though, and Roy won’t either. He leans over him, and forces Jamie to look at him when he says,
“I’m not gonna answer that.”
Jamie doesn’t deserve to hear the reason, he doesn’t need to know that Roy just fell out of love with him. That Roy couldn’t picture a future with him. He’d want to know all the details, the details of Roy starting to find him annoying, dreading to see him, the way he used him for sex at some points and then couldn’t even fake that. He wasn’t going to tell Jamie that.
Jamie gets mad, which is exactly what Roy is expecting. He thinks it’s better if he continues to stay unaware and just hates Roy without thinking he is to blame. He acts stupid when it happens, and deflects when Jamie tries to pin something on him.
Jamie tells him Richmond was his family, though he hesitates on the ‘was’ and Roy assumes he wants to say ‘is’. Roy wishes he signed the Chelsea contract when he was there. Given Jamie the out he’s been looking for, but sometimes life just doesn’t work like that.
He leaves after that, even though he thinks Jamie doesn’t want him to.
The news comes out later, that Roy refused an opportunity at Chelsea. Everyone questions it. Except for everyone at Richmond. The locker room is tense when the news comes out. It’s been like that ever since Jamie left, even years later with the revolving doors of other players not knowing why it was like that, but it seems to be worse after.
Almost like they wanted him to leave with the possibility that it meant that Jamie would be coming back.
Except, he wasn’t. He was in Chelsea, while Roy stayed in Richmond.
But I don't believe you baby…You're not sorry, no no
Roy retires, and the next year Jamie comes back to play his last year at Richmond. It’s instantaneous. Roy announces his retirement, and the next week Jamie announces his return. Roy had given Jamie the courtesy of telling him about it, to let him get the contract figured out for his return. Jamie had been playing at Chelsea for years, but Richmond was his home. Roy wanted him to finish his career there like he wishes he finished his at Chelsea.
Jamie finishes at Richmond. Roy watches his press conference on his couch. He says that he was honored to finish his career here at Richmond and that it’s always been his home. Roy knows that off to the side are Sam and Colin waiting with open arms for him. Sam had retired early, a shock in the football world, but not for everyone around him. Colin had announced his retirement the same as Jamie’s, playing on the pitch with Jamie for one more season.
There are many times when Roy wishes he was the one coaching them for his last season, especially with the impact Jamie has made in the football world. He thinks back to when he trained him when Zava was there, and all the times before that. There was never a doubt that Jamie would make a mark in the football world. Roy just thought that he’d be next to him while he did it. The first drink they shared at that stupid fucking auction comes to mind. His first time offering any advice to him. The hug in the locker room. Finding a windmill in Amsterdam. The poster of him in Jamie’s childhood room in Manchester. Roy kissed him after that match, and that’s when things changed for them. He wishes it never changed.
He never gave Jamie what he deserved or what he wanted. Jamie never got answers, he held them back for what he thought was a favor, but he regrets it now. He wishes he would’ve told Jamie all those years ago when he sat in his bed with him in Chelsea. Wonders if he’d be at the retirement party he knows is planned after the press conference.
Roy texts him a congratulations, and he doesn’t hear anything back.