Chapter Text
ponyboy lay awake in middle of the night. the sounds of crickets echoed off the walls, and he stared into the darkness of the bedroom.
he woke up from a nightmare, but he didn’t wanna bother soda, so he stayed quiet. he couldn’t close his eyelids without images of the nightmare flashing, which gave him no choice but to stay up until morning.
but he was so hungry, his stomach twisted and he felt hollow. his stomach wouldn’t shut up, and it felt like he desperately needed to throw up even though there was nothing there to throw up.
he decided to get up and use the bathroom, maybe walking will pass time faster.
he walked into the bathroom, flipping on the switch and shutting the door silently. he pressed his back against the door, sliding down slowly as he heaved a sigh.
he glanced at the toilet. johnny had made him a sandwich earlier, because he wanted to see if it was good, and pony didn’t wanna be rude and reject it, so he ate it.
he didn’t have time to work out the calories. it was weird. he never worried about calories before, but for some reason he started gaining weight and it made him more insecure than ever. maybe it was because the socs constantly shamed him for it, so much to the point he felt embarrassed eating around anyone because it felt wrong.
“look at piggy, going to eat another pizza! boy howdy, you can tell he weighs so much by the way he scarfs it down like there’s no tomorrow!”
their voices ring through his head, pounding against his head as he got a sudden headache. that was partly the reason he disliked eating. he wanted to look tuff like darry, who had big muscles and was able to scare off just about anyone that crossed his path. maybe losing all that chub could help him start working out and gaining at least a little bit of muscle.
he sighed, standing up and turning the sink off. he waltzed over to the toilet, crouching over it before shuddering. he wanted to get it over with, he hates vomiting but he must do it if he wants to gain those muscles he’s been fantasizing about.
he stuck his fingers down his throat, triggering his gag reflex. he started dry heaving into the toilet, but nothing was coming out. his palms became sweaty. it’s too late, those calories have already carved their way into his body.
with a shudder, he closed his eyes and stopped. he didn’t want to cry over such a stupid thing like this, so he sucked it up, turned off the sink, flicked off the light switch and walked out of the bathroom.
he walked through the living room, glancing out the windows at the dimly lit street lights. it was too dark to see who from the gang was staying over, but he heard soft snores on the couch. he smiled fondly, he loved when people were over. it made the house feel less empty. ever since his parents died, it’s always felt more cold when it was just darry, soda and him. so he loved when the gang slept over, it just fulfilled that same sense of warmness that he craved.
opening the freezer, he reached in and grabbed an ice cube. he turned to the counter and grabbed some seasoning from the counter top. he shook it onto the ice cube, and then he put it in his mouth and began sucking on it. he jumped up and lifted himself into the counter to sit, and sighed as he looked into the darkness. he loved doing this, it always satisfied his cravings and didn’t have any risks of gaining weight to it.
“ponyboy? what are you doing?” a soft voice asked, jolting him out of his daydreams as he gazed into the darkness.
johnny stood there, looking at ponyboy with concern. johnny immediately took note that he looked skinny. you could practically see his ribs bulging out.
ponyboy jumped, and began panicking. he started covering his stomach, because he forgot he was shirtless. he didn’t expect to see anybody up at this time, let alone johnny.
“oh hey johnny ..” he gulped, looking to the side. he hopped off the counter, and spit the ice cube out into the sink as johnny kept his gaze locked on him.
“what were you doing?” johnny questioned, stepping closer to ponyboy.
ponyboy, in a panic, made a quick lie; “no reason. just a late night craving, i guess.”
johnny swallowed. “you seasoned it. are you hungry? why don’t you warm up your dinner?” he said, walking towards the fridge and gripping the handle.
“no!” ponyboy whisper yelled, reaching out a hand to prevent him from opening the fridge further. he definitely gave himself away at this gesture, because judging by johnny’s face, he was screwed.
“um.. i’m really not hungry johnny.” he quickly said, walking out of the kitchen. he glanced at the clock and swallowed. it was around 6 am. “i actually think i’m gonna go on a walk..” he started speed walking to his bedroom, picking the skin around his fingers.
he grabbed his tennis shoes which lay idly on the floor, slipped them on and walked out of the house. he grabbed his sweater on the way out, but he was shirtless under it, and slowly but surely he began shivering.
johnny was struck dumb. why would he freak out over the idea of food? and now he wants to go on a walk at this hour?
an early summer morning in tulsa was always a little cooler, which is why ponyboy liked to walk at this time. would darry skin him alive if he caught him up this early, before the sun was even up? yeah. but it was better than walking in the summer noon, where he felt like a fish being fried alive on a hot stove at a cookout.
tulsa always got hot around this time, and he really couldn’t bare it sometimes.
he liked walking, though, it helped him clear his mind, and trail off with no distractions.
that’s also the very same reason he enjoyed running. it made his heart speed up and feel like he may pass out any second, letting his thoughts race through thousands of different things.
but sometimes dark, lonely thoughts came, ones that didn’t seem like him.
like, for example, how much he wanted to die.
he didn’t know why, maybe it was the underlying feeling of always feeling imperfect for darry, or feeling out of place from his peers. maybe it was that he could never compare to soda’s beauty, or that he just wasn’t good looking.
he wasn’t rich enough to fit in with the socs, but he wasn’t dumb enough to fit in with the greasers. he had no place, which was not a secret, at least to him.
he was the youngest in the gang, the lankiest too. he was quiet, introverted, and wasn’t nearly as tuff as dally, or anybody else.
and to top it all off, he didn’t have any parents. he got nightmares every night. he woke up in a cold sweat, and soda’s sweat, soothing voice always drove him back to the same dreaded sleep. and hell, he didn’t even have a single friend at school.
walking up to his house, he propped open the gate and walked up the stone slabs. but he paused in front of the door, unsure if he cleared his mind just yet.
he turned around, glancing at the sunrise, finally deciding that it might just be worth it to have a weed and watch the sunrise.
the cool breeze of the morning made him gently shiver as he took a seat in the porch chair, grabbing a cancer stick from the table and lighting it with dally’s lighter, which he left out the previous night.
he sighed, tapping the end of the cigarette a couple times gently on the rim of the astray after blowing out some smoke. he adored watching the sunrise. his breath flowed through the air as the crisp morning made his skin feel soft, and a gentle breeze made his ungreased hair stick up.
living was tiring. every move you make completely changes how somebody could potentially view you, even if you’re just sitting on the steps outside your house, or going for a job. you’re always seen and perceived, and ponyboy hated that.
he rested his cheek on his palm, the orange and gold light of the sunset lighting his cheeks, casting a glow upon them. after his mom and dad died, he had been feeling more down than usual. nobody really noticed, though, because even with his distancing it had seemed normal. he’s always been a quiet boy.
johnny survived the fire, with the exception of a couple lung complications, but his back had fully healed. but even then, ponyboy had severe PTSD. he couldn’t turn on the stove without spiraling, or even face bigger flames.
johnny almost didn’t make it, he ended flatlining and dally tried to get himself killed. all of that combined with what happened that night with bob, and windrixville… it definitely caused some ‘character development’ for ponyboy.
he stopped eating, it became more difficult to continue with the task. it’s not like he struggled with many insecurities, or maybe he didn’t want to admit that, but he struggled to find motivation to do anything, like brush his teeth in the morning. everything tasted like baloney, and it reminded him of the awfully dreaded church that he spent so long at.
with a stretch, pony shifts in his seat. he took another glance at the sunset, before yawning and putting out his cigarette.
even though he had planned to get up and head inside, he dozed off.
the screen door creaked open and slammed closed, and a tan, sun kissed boy tapped pony. to say he nearly had a heart attack would be an understatement.
“oh, sorry pones. didn’t mean to scare ya.” johnny chuckled, rubbing the back of his neck.
ponyboy’s eyes were foggy, still adjusting to his surroundings before he recognized the voice.
“no worries, johnny cakes. musta’ fell asleep while watchin’ the sunrise,” the blonde smiled, sitting up in his seat.
johnny smiled back, walking towards the seat next to pony.
“mind if I join ya’?” he asks, mainly as a rhetorical question, but ponyboy nodded his head anyway.
johnny grins, fully submerging himself in the soft cushions as he looks at the sky.
“wow. sure is a beauty. too bad I ain’t came out here sooner.” he sighed, watched as the sun almost fully rose above the horizon.
ponyboy looked his way. he admired how johnny looked, especially in the mornings. his hair was messy and his skin seemingly glowed. he was so jealous, he’d give anything to look like somebody else.
“yeah, too bad. we can watch the sunset at the lot.” he finally said, rubbing the sleepiness out of his eyes. birds soon flew around, gentle chirps floating around the cool air.
the two sat there for a while, waiting for the sun to fully rise. they woulda’ sat there all day if it weren’t for their stomachs making a ruckus.
“boy, am I hungry.” johnny groaned, stretching his arms above his head and sitting up. ponyboy stayed sat, his eyes drifting back off to sleep.
“hey, c’mon pones. let’s get some food.” johnny smiled, holding his hand out for ponyboy.
he opened his eyes to the sound of johnny’s voice before he gently smiled back, taking the offered hand and standing up. johnny opened the screen door, and soda greeted them with a fuzzy smile. sizzling could be heard throughout the house, dally & steve were goofing off in the living room as mickey mouse blared on the tv, and two bit was sat in front of it like a child.
“g’morning guys! up for some eggs?” soda beamed, holding a pan in front of them.
“no thanks,” pony sighed, taking a seat on the couch. with a raised eyebrow, johnny responded, “yes please, as long as they ain’t green.” with a slight chuckle to his answer. he decided right then and there he was going to keep an eye or two glued on ponyboy.
he slowly walked over, taking a seat next to him.
“hey man, you ain’t hungry?” johnny asked, looking at the hand which suspiciously covered pony’s stomach.
“nah, not really.” he shrugged, yawning once again.
“i didn’t see ya’ at the dinner table last night, pone.” two bit popped in, glancing behind him to look at the two.
“oh, um..” ponyboy flushed, looking at the floor.
“it was nothin’. jus’ an upset stomach, is all.” he cleared his throat, looking back up at two bit.
“if ya say so.” two bit said, resuming his child like state with the cartoons in front of him.
sooner or later breakfast was ready, and boy was it smellin’ good. ponyboy’s stomach practically clawed through his shirt, hungry enough to gnaw a hole through it and devour all the food, including the furniture.
he sat down at the table. despite him having no motivation to eat anymore, he wanted to at least try. trying is always good, ain’t it?
“hey kiddo.” darry said, plopping down his newspaper on the table and ruffling up pony’s bleached and ungreased hair.
pony smiled up at him, nodding back as a gentle ‘hi’.
soon, soda called all them to grab their portions of food.
“don’t take too much now,” soda warned, eyeing pony especially, who usually ate everything handed to him.
pony threw his hands up in a mock surrender way, looking away and whistling a tune in a mocking manner.
they broke out into soft giggles, everyone scooping their own plate of eggs and bacon onto their plates, steve taking the chocolate cake out of the fridge.
once the greasers were sat down again, they all began to dig into their food, all except for one young boy, who was pickin’ at his food.
“ain’t ya gonna eat?” johnny asked through bites, cutting up some of his sausage pieces and scraping them onto pony’s plate.
“not too hungry.” he shrugged, leaning back in his chair.
johnny pointed at a sausage on pony’s plate.
“eat that, please.” he said in an almost stern tone, eyeing down pony.
“i’ll eat one with you,” he offered, stabbing a sausage from his plate and bringing it up to his lips.
ponyboy sighed in defeat, picking up his fork, and grabbing a sausage with it.
“finnee…” he groaned, holding it up to his lips as well.
they both took a bite out of it, slowly chewing as they looked at each other.
“see? good, right?” johnny asked, crossing his arms.
“yeah.. but john, i think you got the wrong idea. i jus’ haven’t been hungry recently, really!” he said, frowning a bit at johnny’s skeptical look.
“if you say so..” he huffed, taking a spoonful of eggs and eating them.
but when johnny looked away, ponyboy spit his chewed sausage bits into the nearest napkin, and tossed it into the trash by the table.
breakfast soon ended, everyone washing their own dishes and beginning to do their own things.
two bit walked into the living room, turning the television back on.
“whadd’ya guys wanna do today?” soda asked, sitting on the couch by them.
“i saw a baseball court around here. any of y’all got a bat and ball?” Dally asked, tossing and catching a crumpled up receipt.
the gang all nodded in a agreement, but they began considering the heat and how hot everything may be.
“sure, why not? I think I have a bat and a ball in the yard,” darry said, walking out of the bathroom after greasing his hair a generous amount.
“then it’s settled. It’s fairly close, but with the heat, we prolly’ needa drive.” dally said, standing up and throwing the receipt away.
the gang soon got ready, throwing the stuff they need in the car and loading up, ready to go.
ponyboy sat in the back with johnny, gazing out the window.
“you excited, ponyboy? i feel like you’d be a great batter.” he smiled gleefully, nudging him on the shoulder.
“maybe, i dunno. i’m not all that good.” he replied back, turning towards the tan boy.
johnny frowned, keeping his gaze locked on the blonde boy.
the two talked the entire ride, occasional laughs coming from them, or nudges on the shoulder.
“hey, there it is!” two bit yelled, shoving sodapop aside and pointing to it.
“oh, hell yes!” steve shouted, holding up a fist in victory.
they all unloaded from the car, grabbing their things and their bottles of water.
the gang walked up to the field, the hot sun burning their arms and head. it sure was hot out compared to the cold mornings, that’s for sure.
“hey, you sure you okay man?” johnny asked, gently nudging ponyboy’s shoulder with his elbow.
“yeah, don’t worry about it johnny cakes.” pony smiled, kicking a rock as he walked.
with a sigh, johnny decided to stop pressing on the matter. he knew he wouldn’t be able to get any further from the truth than he already was, anyway.
“7 people.. it’s not even. how are we gonna do this?” darry sighed, shoving his hands in his pockets.
“i’ll be the pitcher,” ponyboy suggested. he didn’t dig the idea of running and playing in this heat anyway, so it was sort of a win for him. he always likes practicing his throw, too.
“you sure kiddo?” darry asked, putting his hand on his hip as he looked at ponyboy. he really didn’t want to make him feel left out, he could tell that he already felt that way at times and he hates when he feels like that.
“yeah.” pony smiled, throwing a thumbs up.
“okay. me and dally are team captains, got it?” darry announced, crossing his arms.
“we will take turns picking who we want on our teams,” he finished, wiping off a sweat bead from the blazing heat on his forehead. cicadas could be heard loudly, perfectly fitting this type of weather.
“m’kay.” they said, and johnny began stretching and taking off his trademark jean-jacket.
ponyboy swallowed. he felt dizzy, but it waved it off as a symptom from the heat. playing a rough game on an empty stomach and almost zero sleep doesn’t make you feel too hot.
he’ll certainly feel better when he gets home, right?
the car ride home was nothing unusual, at least for ponyboy. the usual giggling throughout the long ride home was joyous, but he wasn’t really all that interested.
ponyboy leaned his head on the window, looking outside. it was a chilly night, and as he pressed his ear against the window, he shuddered from the sheer and unexpected coldness.
“you cold?” johnny asked, glancing over at ponyboy. ponyboy looked at him in the reflection, before nodding and shrugging.
“feels better than the blazing heat from earlier.” he admitted, chuckling a bit as johnny laughed.
they soon pulled into the driveway, the gravel crackling under the cars tires, and their headlights shining brightly onto the next house. They all piled out, running towards the door in seek of warmth, a nice shower, and some food.
johnny and ponyboy walked calmly toward the door, silently enjoying each others company.
the two have always been the shy, introverted ones, and they were the closest ones in age. in maturity, too. they’ve always gotten along, and they’ve always understood each other. since they’ve been buddies for so long, though, johnny could tell when something was bugging ponyboy.
“wanna go to the lot?” johnny questions, looking at ponyboy. he was kicking a pebble, sniffling as the cold air started to make him shiver.
ponyboy looked pale, a thin sheet of sweat covered his pale skin. the apples of his cheeks were red, blossoming with a feverish blush, and he did not look well.
he shrugged. “sure,” he sighed, kicking the rock harshly into the road.
they stepped inside, pony grabbing a water bottle and a sweater as johnny alerted the gang where they would be headed to.
“we’re going to the lot,” johnny yelled to the gang, Ponyboy trailing behind him as they walked towards the door.
“be back by ten.” darry warned, pointing a finger at ponyboy.
“okay, okay.” he giggled, jogging a bit to catch up with johnny. the door slammed behind them, and they hopped off the steps into the cold night air. This time, ponyboy remembered to bring a sweater, so he didn’t catch pneumonia like last time.
“golly, that was one hell of a game.” johnny smirked, nudging ponyboy’s shoulder with his elbow. pony rubbed the back of his neck, softly agreeing.
“yeah, but it was mega hot. i swear man, i almost passed out, specially’ when me and you switched out.” he groaned, fiddling with the zipper on his jacket.
johnny nodded in agreement, smiling a bit as the fond memory played in his mind.
“wanna race?” johnny challenged, looking at pony with a confident look.
“sure, i guess.” pony shrugged, turning forward and getting in position.
but even when he agreed, he looked unsure, almost uneasy with the idea of a race. shrugging it off, johnny turned back to ponyboy, continuing his first, original thought.
“first one to sit on the car seats wins, got it?” johnny smiled, standing next to pony and getting into position as well.
“yep.”
“alright, go!” johnny yelled, and they both bolted. johnny almost fully expected ponyboy to win. he was on the track team, and god knows he was on there for a reason. he was eerily fast, and he always surprised the gang with his speed. he’s broken countless records at his school, and always pissed socs off with his insane skill.
the crisp, cold air whipped across his cheeks, making him feel alive. it felt as if he had infinite stamina, bolting across the lot and into the night sky. he could run forever, maybe all the way to mexico, if he really wanted. he knew ponyboy would be able to if he wanted. maybe him and ponyboy could ‘elope to Mexico’ together, he thought with a sky chuckle.
he dove for the car seats, and they shifted back as his weight. je collided with the withered leather, springs being able to be heard as he panted and giggled.
he turned his head around, glancing around for the familiar brunette that he knew. when he was nowhere to be seen, panic began to rise in his chest, but it erupted when he caught site of him hunching over, limping and holding his stomach.
johnny’s face paled, and he got up so fast, his world seemed to twirl and dance around his vision.
he sprinted over there, even faster than he did when he ran towards the lot. he felt like a mustang engine, booking it towards Ponyboy. He was desperate, this has never happened before!
“pony, you okay man?!” he quickly yelled, rushing to pony’s side, holding out hands as he prepared to catch him if he fell. he leaned on his knees, panting and catching his breath, but one hand remains up, idly waiting there in case something bad happens.
“mmgh.. y-yeah.. sorry man, i dunno what’s happening..” he choked up, sharply inhaling as he took another breath in. sweat dribbled down his temples, and obviously, this was not normal.
“jeeze, you look terrible! do you need me to call soda? or darry?! whatever you need, man - “
“i’ll be fine..” ponyboy barked out, bending over for more support over his stomach.
his hands were trembling, and his shoulders jerking violently as wheezy breaths melted off of his tongue.
“it’s fine, i promise, johnny.” ponyboy said firmly, looking at johnny with a sincere look. if ponyboy hadn’t been gripping onto his stomach for dear life, he would have a blind man fooled.
“i’m takin’ you home whether you like it or not.” johnny said with finality, hooking ponyboy’s arm around him and holding his waist firmly. he hoisted the thinner boy up on his feet, waving his arms around him before steadying him cautiously. he felt around his body to prop him up better, and to give him for walking stability, but as he did he noticed that he was able to feel his ribs clearly, which made johnny’s stomach twist with concern.
“l-let’s walk back.” he said carefully, watching ponyboy as he groaned in pain with each step. He whined every once in a while as they shuffled down the road slowly, the sound of thick gravel and kicking rocks being the only noise to echo from their area.
“mm,,” pony grunted, eyes half lidded as the overwhelming pain started to have lasting effects in his body. every panic sensor went off in johnny’s head, not knowing what could be causing this. if somebodies on the verge of passing out, the pains gotta be real bad, and everyone knew that.
“hold on, man..” johnny said shakily, his limbs tightening and locking, threatening to bring them both crashing down. he wanted to scream, cry, his emotions were all so overwhelming, but he couldn’t. he was willing to do whatever it took to make pony feel better, because something had to be wrong with him, and he was too ignorant to actually let johnny press on the matter.
he always noticed how different pony acted after the gang were falsely informed that he and dally died. distant, cold, irritable, lack of appetite - just a ton of alarming things, but nobody - Including johnny, decided to even speak up on it, and he hated himself for it. this was so concerning, and he just wanted pony to talk to him.
“please don’t tell darry.. he said, evident tears streaming down his face. he bit his lip, eyes focused on the concrete below them. johnny paused, staring briefly at ponyboy. is he crazy? if he’s in this much pain, he needs to tell darry! he pulled himself out of his thoughts, being brought back to the pale boy who was stifling choked sobs in the night air.
johnny sighed shakily, before pulling the younger boy into a hug and stroking his hair.
“i have to..” he said, sighing as he felt ponyboy’s body jerk with sobs. It felt wrong, to see ponyboy completely crumble - and so easily under somebodies touch.
“h-he’ll kill me, johnny!!” he yelled, wrapping his arms around johnny’s neck and wailing into it, finding his breath harder and harder to catch as it sprinted away from him, leaving him in the dust.
the two slowly knelt to the cold concrete, johnny running his fingers through ponyboy’s hair as his body jerked with every gut wrenching sob. his voice was fried and crackled, it sounded so full of raw emotion. too much for a 14 year old kid.
he cried. he sobbed, rambling about how darry’ll hate him more than he already does, how he’s just a burden, but johnny just sat there and corrected him. he comforted, kissing the top of ponyboy’s head as he shivered from the dark, cold night.
johnny rubbed pony’s back in soothing circles, until his sobs of pain subsided into nothing but hiccups and whimpers.
“you okay now..?” johnny gently asked after deafening silence, all except for the chirps of crickets, train horns and barking dogs from the neighbors yard.
ponyboy slowly nodded into his shoulder, trying to lift himself up, but was soon stopped by johnny.
“c’mon, let’s get up together.” he said kindly, offering his hands for ponyboy to take as support to get up. he took the offer, looking away in a flushed, embarrassed state.
“d-don’t tell anyone about this…” he groaned, holding his stomach as he spoke more words, wincing and gripping harder.
“i won’t, and i understand. i won’t tell darry. let’s just get you fixed up in the bathroom, alright?” he sighed, hooking ponyboy’s arm around his neck once again, continuing their walk home. the gate creaked in the wind gently, making the occasional squeak, and in a normal situation it would be an annoyance, but here it was somehow calming. it was like an ambient noise, and both of them found comfort in it. it almost brought sanity, snapping them back so they can know that they’re here, and real.
pushing the gate open, johnny helped guide ponyboy up the steps of the stairs, as they creaked under their weight. he lead him to the door, propping the screen door open with his foot and pushing open the white, oak, wood door for ponyboy.
“hey, y’all are back quick.” two bit inquired, glancing at ponyboy.
“y-yeah. pony ain’t feelin’ too hot.” johnny stated, quickly trying to shrink and escape from the undoubtably difficult - and awkward situation. he just wanted to head to the bathroom and fix ponyboy up, even if he didn’t even know what was exactly wrong with him.
“oh?” steve spoke up, eyeing the pale and trembling boy.
“yeah. but don’t tell darry. he just thinks he ate sumthin’ bad.. okay?” he blurted out, and before they could even answer, he rushed to the bathroom, slamming the door and locking it.
two-bit shrugged, turning the tv back on at full volume, flipping through the channels.
“alright. you have to give me something to work off, pony..” he sighed, gently letting ponyboy onto the floor, as he gripped his stomach helplessly. the exhaustion was evident on his face, sweat dribbling down his chin and landing onto the floor.
ponyboy’s stomach made a loud aching sound, and he gripped it harder. his eyes widened, fear flooding them as he realized what just happened. johnny knows, he thought.
johnny went white, his breathing hitching as he connected the dots.
he hasn’t seen ponyboy eating at all recently, and they just did hell of a workout. working out on an empty stomach ain’t nothin’ good..
“oh hell, pony.” he quickly said, pulling him up and walking out of the bathroom with him. ponyboy looked down to the ground, tears rimming his already red and puffy eyes.
“stay here,” johnny commanded, walking away while continuously glancing up to him. ponyboy let his hands rest in his lap, chewing the inner part of his lip as an uncomfortable silence fell across the room.
he walked into the kitchen, pulling out peanut butter and jelly from the fridge, a butter knife and bread. how did he not notice? he felt terrible. no wonder he was so weak, he probably felt terrible. seeing ponyboy like that scared him something awful.
johnny quickly prepared a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, plopping it onto a plate and bringing it over to ponyboy.
“eat it.” he said softly, looking at ponyboy with pleading eyes as he kneeled in front of him.
ponyboy looked away, biting his thumbnail. he really couldn’t eat, he didn’t know why. maybe it was because the chub he gained didn’t go unnoticed, or maybe it was because the awful taste of bologna remained on his tongue, hauling a string of memories back towards to him.
“i can’t,” he said softly, trying his hardest to hold back tears.
johnny frowned, looking back to the plate of the sandwich on it. he thought for a while, trying to think of a way he could make him eat it. he didn’t wanna force him, but ponyboy really needed to eat, and fast.
he quickly got up, grabbing a butter knife from the counter and walked back to where ponyboy sat. he cut the sandwich into 2 triangles, and took a seat next to him, looking him in the eyes.
“why don’t you wanna eat?” he softly pressed, searching ponyboy’s glossy eyes for any answer to his thoughts. he could practically hear his thoughts, watching the gears turn slowly in his head, and his stomach was doing flips as he was anxious to hear an answer.
“it tastes like baloney.” he answered truthfully. he glanced down at his fingers and began picking the skin around his nails off.
johnny took the sandwich in his hands, keeping his gaze locked onto ponyboy.
“c’mon. eat it with me.”
ponyboy sighed, picking up the sandwich as it trembled beneath his touch.
‘pathetic,’ he thought. ‘you can’t even eat a sandwich without freaking out. how weak.’
he hates his mind. he hated feeling like this, and he was stuck with something he’ll never ever be able to get rid of. but johnny’s soft and reassuring voice pulled him right out of his thoughts.
“—come on. ready?”
ponyboy slowly nodded, knowing there was just about no choice except to comply and eat the sandwich.
johnny slowly instructed him to take the sandwich to his mouth and take a bite, which he did with him.
“remember it’s not baloney,” he said quickly, looking at ponyboy’s face which was twisting up as memories rushed towards him.
“it’s just some peanut butter and jelly, nothing more and nothing less.” he reassured, ponyboy trying to keep the food in his mouth. but he felt bile rising in his throat, burning as it reached higher and higher. he felt dizzy, his stomach hurting and cramping and his face got hot as he came closer and closer to the realization that he was eating food.
“no,” he quickly blurted out, spitting the food out and bringing his legs to his chest. “i can’t.” he whimpered, his vision blurring as hot tears travelled down his cheeks in rivers.
johnny frowned, examining ponyboy as he quietly weeped.
“c’mon,” he pleaded. “just 2 bites. please.” he said under his breath, putting his hands on pony’s.
ponyboy picked up the sandwich, now visibly trembling as he swallowed.
he took a bite, thoughts swarming his head. It was overwhelming, and he quickly took johnny’s hand and squeezed it.
“you’re okay.. you’re doing amazing. it’s a delicious sandwich, right?” he said in a hushed voice, rubbing circles on the surface of ponyboy’s soft hand.
he swallowed, shutting his eyes closed tightly as rapid, shaky breaths exited his lungs.
and the first bite was down.
he opened his eyes, letting out a breath he didn’t know he was holding.
johnny quickly pulled him into an embrace, rubbing his back and whispering sweet nothings. ponyboy wrapped his arms around him, slightly crying in relief as he ate for the first time in a while.
“i’m so proud,” he whispered, rubbing the back of his hair.
he soon finished half of the sandwich, and even though it was a long and difficult process, it was more that lovely to do it with johnny.
“thank you so much.. i’m really sorry, johnny..”
“stop apologizing, you’ve done amazing.”
hot tears absently rolled down ponyboy’s cheek and onto johnny’s shoulder as he pulled the young boy into an embrace, but he didn’t mind.
”thank you.” pony finally said, breaking the warm silence.
”thank you.” johnny smiled, breaking the hug and looking at ponyboy.
“i’m proud.”