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“Why do you love me?”
It was a quiet evening when Graves asked this question. A quiet evening that followed an equally quiet day. Both men were lying in the commander's bed, tightly embraced and snuggled up against each other under the blanket that kept their body heat in.
The room was dark, the light on the bedside table had been out for a long time, so they would now squint their eyes if Price would want to turn it on, and the captain thought the older man was already asleep after training the new recruits today before falling into bed exhausted. He was all the more surprised by the blonde's sudden words, whose face he couldn't see in the darkness.
The way he had spoken them, quietly and quickly, made the Brit believe that it had taken him a lot of strength to even say it out loud. It also showed him that it must have been on his mind for a long time because Phillip Graves wasn't a man who would simply express his feelings and doubts the moment they crept into his brain.
"Why do you ask?" Perhaps it wasn't wise to counter Graves' question with a counter-question, as there was a risk that the commander would shut down instantly, but Price couldn't resist it.
It was just so unexpected and sudden that these words just slipped out of his mouth before he could think about them. Hundreds of possibilities as to why his boyfriend could've asked him played out in his head and while some were sweet, others were... not.
Did he make Graves feel like he didn’t love him? Did he neglect him? He knew the older man wasn't good at asking for attention or touch, but he usually made sure to cuddle and kiss his Phillip enough when the two of them were alone. To be fair, work was kinda stressful these past days but he didn't think it would be so bad that he didn't even notice his lover's doubts.
Price could hear how the American took a sharp breath. He probably thought the same as him, that his boyfriend was sleeping, so he probably didn't even intend for him to hear it in the first place. The Brit could feel the way the smaller body in his arms tensed, the pause already indicating that he had no idea what to say next.
“It's nothing, let's sleep…”, came the answer as expected.
Graves shut down quickly when it was about emotions of any kind. He wasn't usually a shy man who didn't know what to say, quite the opposite. He was extroverted, loud, courageous, and blessed with a big mouth that had something behind it, intelligent and snarky but still funny remarks always on the tip of his tongue. It was this personality that attracted Price simply because he was the complete opposite of himself.
They complemented each other perfectly, his calm and collected manner helped Phillip to calm down when he was hot-headed or overworked and the commander's burning passion was like a fire that spread onto everyone who was even near him and motivated you to do your best, the captain included.
He loved this side of his lover, without a doubt, however, throughout their relationship, the Brit had discovered a completely new one that was yet to be explored fully. A side that was probably known to only very few people, and John was incredibly grateful to be one of the chosen ones to experience it.
Because, yes, Phillip Graves could also be shy and scared when it came to those who were very close to him. He could very well be sweet and quiet when he didn't know what to say and instead looked at his hands, his face red. He could very well be gentle and sensitive when he saw something bothering Price, and he could very well be concerned when the captain was sick or injured.
John's mother had always said that people are always two-faced and that it would be up to one themselves whether one would see this second side or not. Still, he never really believed in it until he met the Texan who turned his world upside down with one look.
All those years in the SAS and yet commander Phillip Graves was the adventure that Price would list as his greatest.
“Oh no, you don’t get away that easily. We both know you don't ask stuff like that just because you are bored but because it has been troubling for a long time, am I right?” A large hand placed itself on the older man's cheek, who placed his hand on the Brit's. “Baby, have I done something to make you doubt my love for you?”
"What? No!" The horror in his voice made him breathe a sigh of relief, glad that he had been wrong. "It's just... you know how I sometimes struggle with... with the whole 'love yourself' crap you won't stop blabbering about? I thought I could... try and think about all the things that you love about me because if you love them, so could I, right?”
Even though he couldn't see it, he could certainly feel the tension in Graves' body. He didn't say anything or react at all to the words, not wanting to cause his lover to be silent again when he finally spoke about what was bothering him.
A month or so ago, the older male would've never been so open about his feelings. It took Price a lot of convincing and reassurance to get that man where he was now and if it wasn't for the fact that this situation was so serious, he would be filled with joy to realize that all his work paid off at the end of the day.
"But the more I thought about it... the longer I was trying to find the things you love about me, the more I realized that I just don't understand what makes you want to be with me out of all people." John's heart clenched painfully as he listened to the person he loved the most talking about himself like that.
For him, the answer to the question was so clear, so self-evident, that he never expected that it wouldn't be the case for Graves, too. To discover that this wasn't true, that Phillip couldn't see the beauty John sees, shocked him to the core. It was like a bucket of water was emptied over his head, a truly uncomfortable feeling.
“Phil, I love everything about. You are the love of my life, everything I ever wanted in a partner and so wonderful,” he whispered and kissed his forehead. “There is nothing about you that I would want to change or adjust, you are perfect, baby, a work of art.”
Price finally sat up and turned on the lamp on the bedside table. The bright light filled the room and the Brit smiled when he saw his lover's face. He wouldn't just brush this conversation off, not when he knew that it was eating his lover up from the inside.
"But I really don't know what's so special about me. Men like me are… everywhere. Go to the nearest bar in a small Texas town and you'll find at least three guys who are like me, probably younger and more attractive." He sighed, ruffling his hair. “Admittedly they would probably beat you up if you flirted with them, but it's a matter of principle.”
Price chuckled a little at the blonde's last sentence and kissed him gently. When they parted, he looked into the older man's blue eyes, having missed them in the darkness, and ran his thumb over his cheek, along the scar.
“You really want me to tell you everything I love about you?” The words made Graves blush and his mouth snapped open and shut. "Just as a warning, if I do this we'll probably stay awake for a few hours."
Price had no trouble expressing his love to the blonde. If it were up to him, he would shower him with compliments every day and night, but he knew how difficult it was for the commander to come to terms with his sexual identity, so he held back. Now, however, he finally got the chance to fully express what he feels and he would use that chance to the fullest.
He pulled Phillip into his arms and ran his hand up and down his arm. A gentle smile played on his lips as he thought about how to put the chaos in his head into some sort of meaningful order.
“Do you remember the first time we talked to each other? When you thought I was deaf or dumb because I just stared at you without saying a word while you were staring at me with a stretched-out hand?” Graves snorted, amused, probably playing the memory in his head.
“You looked so stupid with your mouth slightly open, I thought I caught the wrong Brit.” Price chuckled softly and grinned, a warm feeling in his chest as he reminisced in warm memories with the man he loved.
“The reason for this was because you left me at a loss for words the moment I laid eyes on you. Your file didn't contain a picture, so I had no idea what you looked like, I just knew that I needed to talk to Commander Phillip Graves. I didn't think any of it until you finally stood in front of me.” He looked at the ceiling, his gaze dreamy. “I was like, ‘Wow, this man is beautiful'. Just that, those five words. I didn't even realize you had spoken, let alone held out your hand to me, until you raised an eyebrow. I thought 'Great, John, now this angel in front of you thinks you’re an idiot'.”
The memory of their first encounter was one that Price treasured deeply. Graves looked so good in the black uniform and his whole aura was so confident that it almost intimidated the captain himself. From the moment he saw the commander, he knew he was a man of respect, a man of absolute control.
And even though power-hungry men had always repulsed him, he almost instinctively felt that the Texan wasn't like that. The way he treated his men, with an equal level of respect with which they treated him, quickly made him realize that there was more to him than he had initially assumed.
It was something that immediately made him keen to find out more about him.
“I'm sure I fell in love with you from the moment my eyes fell on your beautiful face,” Price continued and a gentle smile could now also be seen on Graves. “You completely turned my brain into mush with one look, one sentence. I felt like a teenager who had gotten his first real crush and believe me when I tell you it scared me.”
“It scared you?” The American looked at him confused, not believing what he was hearing.
“Oh yeah, I was fucking scared. I was a grown man and leader of a task force, but I couldn't think about anything but you. It was particularly bad when we all trained together,” Price chuckled and rubbed his eyes with his index finger and thumb. “You were just so perfect in everything you did. So charming and charismatic one second, then ice cold and calculated the next. You made jokes with men who were two heads taller than you before slamming them into the mat with ease. And you looked so damn good doing it!”
The amount of strength and confidence that Graves exuded attracted Price like a magnet. He had probably spent hours secretly watching the Shadows train just so he could see the commander in action. Just the way he moved and acted, so fast and calculated, awakened a deep fascination for him.
“Over the weeks we spent together, I tried everything to be close to you. I wanted to find out more about you, to know more about the man who kept me awake at night and controlled my thoughts during the day. I'm so glad that despite my clumsiness, I managed not to completely screw it up with you," he whispered and kissed his boyfriend again, the desire to feel his lips on his washing over him so suddenly that he couldn't suppress it. “I thought that if I learned more about you, sooner or later I would lose interest in you and could finally fulfill my duties as captain of a task force, but I was wrong.”
He kissed his cheek, his forehead, and the tip of Graves' nose, unable to hold back now that he finally had the chance to shower his lover in kisses. The red color on Graves' cheeks only made him want to kiss him even more.
“The more I got to know you, the more I talked to you and the more I saw the man behind the CEO title, the more I wanted from you... the more I wanted you . You're so funny and intelligent, so strong and confident, but never in a way that would make you an asshole. You are so beautiful, like an angel who somehow made it to this earth and you are the man with whom I want to imagine my future with.” Price looked deep into his eyes. “I love you, Phil. I love who you are and what you've made of yourself. I love the CEO but also the private man behind the PMC. I love your intelligence and strategic thinking, I love your jokes and playful nature, which brightens every day, no matter how dark the times are. For me, you are the most beautiful thing in this world, everything worth fighting for, and the sun that shines even when the sky is full of clouds. I love everything that makes you you, I love everything that you are and represent and I love to be with you. You make me happy and make me feel like there is a reason to keep going even though I feel like giving up. You did so much for me only by being yourself so please, Phillip, don't think there are people out there who are worth my time more than you are or better because they are younger or whatever. You are all I need and all I could've wished for, I love you.”
Graves said nothing, his jaw tense and his eyes glassy. He blinked away tears and swallowed hard before burying his face in Prices' chest. When the Brit finally heard a sob, he hugged the American, pressing him against his chest, and ran his large hand over his back.
It took him a while to catch himself, completely overwhelmed with what he heard, but, eventually, the sobbing stopped, and Graves managed to look at him with red eyes.
"Wow, I... uh-" Graves stuttered, wiping away his tears before sniffling.
“Never doubt yourself or the reasons why someone should love you. Even if you don't realize it or if you think there is nothing special about you, there are people whose lives have become so much more colorful the moment you entered it.”
This time Graves was the one who kissed him first. Price could taste his salty tears and still had his arms wrapped tightly around him, careful to keep him as close to him as possible.
“Thanks, John. I...maybe this seems stupid to you, but what you said really means a lot to me.” He laid his head on the Brit's chest, listening to the dull and rhythmic heartbeat. "I love you."
Smiling, Price kissed the top of his head before turning off the lights and tucking them both in properly. He wouldn't trade this moment for anything in the world.
“I love you more, Bunny.”