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It was a seemingly normal day at Hogwarts. Or at least as normal as a day at Hogwarts could be. Harry, Ron, and Hermione were sitting together in the Great Hall when the owls came to deliver the post. There was a sudden uproar among the students, but Hermione was too engrossed in her newly delivered Daily Prophet. Harry found himself trying to listen into the conversations to try to figure out what was going on (probably just more libel). Meanwhile, Professor Sprout had put on her mandrake-proof hot pink fluffy earmuffs. Snape looked even more sour than usual, which was quite an achievement.
“Voldemort got arrested for tax evasion,” Hermione said, chewing her toast.
“ What ?” Harry said, turning back around in his seat.
“Are you not listening again? I just said-”
“Hermione, he wasn’t asking what you said. We’re just confused,” Ron interrupted. Hermione blushed.
“Well, Voldemort wasn’t paying taxes on his house, so the Muggles got him. It’s like Al Capone.” Ron looked confused, but started reading over her shoulder.
“I guess that explains why my scar’s been hurting so much. Voldemort must not like jail,” Harry murmured. Hermione just shook her head and said something about occlumency that he promptly ignored. Harry had been getting strange flashes of annoyance and anger, but it was sort of a different kind of anger than the usual one. He’d also been seeing the hallway in his dreams less, which he wasn’t quite sure how to feel about.
Ron looked back up at him. “Hey Harry, the Daily Prophet is saying you’re a hero again! You’re a ‘misunderstood paragon of justice that stuck by the truth’ and ‘an inspiration to all wizardkind. As if they’re not the reason people hated you.”
“Good, I’ll be glad to not have people glaring at me in the hallway because they can’t accept that Voldemort is still alive. Did Fudge say anything? I bet Rita Skeeter had a field day with that one.”
“Well, she’s still agreed not to write anything harmful,” Hermione said smugly, “Fudge is quoted here a lot talking about how he knew the whole time Voldemort was back and that the Muggles arrested him with his help.”
Ron rolled his eyes. “What a load of dung.”
Hermione flipped the page. “Hmm, this is old news, though. Happened a few weeks ago. I wonder why they’re running this story again? Oh, look, Dumbledore got arrested too.”
“Hermione, you can’t just say something like that so casually!” Ron exclaimed. “It’s like you’re just telling me the weather or something.”
“Well I’m sorry that I can’t always have the perfectly right tone of voice for you, Ronald .”
“Stop it, you two. Look, the professors are arguing,” Harry sighed. McGonagall was making large gestures to Snape, who looked bored. Hagrid was using McGonagall’s newspaper to dry his tears. Umbridge gazed out across the room as if surveying her kingdom.
McGonagall stood up. Hermione sat up straight and folded her arms. The professor’s lips moved, but nothing could be heard over the roar of the crowd. McGonagall sighed and tapped her throat with her wand.
“ STUDENTS . Please quiet yourselves. We have important information to discuss.” Nothing happened.
Snape stood and said, “A point from each person who is talking.” The Great Hall was suddenly silent. “All of you idiots with eyes have noticed that our illustrious Headmaster is gone. He was arrested by a government with incompetency to rival our own-”
“ Severus !”
“Classes are still happening. Do not think this is a reason to stop studying. Or do. I couldn’t care less.”
McGonagall scowled and shot a glare at Snape. “In the meantime, I shall be assuming the role of Headmistress-”
“Hem hem.” Umbridge said. The whole hall let out a collective groan. “Actually, according to the newest Education Decrees, the High Inquisitor– myself!– becomes the Headmistress if the predecessor is unable to continue the position. Such as by becoming a law breaker. How did we let such a silly man become our Headmaster?” Umbridge shook her head. “We’re going to be changing a lot of things around here, students! I’m sure you’ll love it!”
~~~
Fred and George Weasley did not love Umbridge’s new Hogwarts.
“We can’t just sit around and do nothing about this,” Fred said. They were in their dorm room. It smelled faintly of smoke and one of their roommates’ cheap cologne.
“Everything we have has gotten confiscated.”
“Or isn’t good enough for something like this.”
“Exactly. Which means that we have to make something else.”
“Something bigger .”
“Right you are, Fred,” George said, pulling out his trunk. They had managed to keep a few prank supplies hidden with their clothes. George sometimes worried that his clothes would spontaneously combust and he wouldn’t have anything to wear.
“Hey, George, I was thinking…”
“What a surprise!”
Fred laughed. “Very funny. But seriously, whatever we do isn’t going to actually stop that froggy hag.”
“I think I know what you’re getting at. Are you sure this is a good idea?”
“I can tell you think it’s a good idea. You always have that expression whenever you want to do a prank but decide that you need to be the twin with morals or whatever it is Mum says. It makes you look constipated, by the way.”
“You’ve caught me!” George said, flopping dramatically down on the floor. “I’ll never be able to face Mum again.”
Fred snorted. “Let’s get to work. This is going to be our best prank yet.”
“Even better than the one where we convinced everyone we could read each other’s minds?”
“Nothing is going to top that one. We’ll try to make this one as close as we can.” Each twin caught the other’s eye and smiled.
~~~
Dolores Umbridge was not the kind of person who was content with her standing. The ambition that dropped her into Slytherin when she was a wide eyed eleven year old drove her to where she was now, ruling that very school under her firm, yet gentle, fist.
She still wanted more, of course. That would never change. But this feeling was the closest she had come to bliss in her whole life. A feeling of vindication. She had been right the whole time about Dumbledore and his treachery. She had been right about Voldemort (she was convinced the whole tax evasion thing was a coverup for something sinister). And she was going to be right about the best way to run this school.
She gave Filch a blinding smile as he posted Educational Decree Number Thirty-One, which forbade boys and girls from being within eight inches of each other. Nothing good ever came from a mixing of genders. All that would lead to was the silly little children coming up with crazy ideas like Voldemort being back from the dead.
Or teenage pregnancy. That was bad, too, Umbridge supposed.
Dolores was walking to her next Defense class, feeling like she was floating on air in her euphoria. And then Minerva walked up to her and immediately ruined her day. Minerva, that obstinate woman who was always in her business, telling her the most daft things, like that she couldn’t use blood quills on students and couldn’t use the children to watch the more problematic children. She was always saying things like, no, Dolores, you can’t set up your own private militia with children. Why would you think something like that?
Well, Dolores thought that there was nothing wrong with it, and she was always right.
“What can I do for you, Minerva?” she asked, widening her smile. Her Muggle mother had always told her that she had to kill her enemies with kindness. Dolores thought that was surprisingly good advice from someone like her mother, but she was always more partial to the Muggle idea of speaking softly and carrying a powerful wand.
“There is a group of people from the Muggle government that wants to speak with you. You are lucky that I managed to get them to stay outside.”
“Oh, Minerva, allow me to remove them! I know that you only know theory and not wandwork, so I’m not surprised you needed my help.” Dolores didn’t know why someone like Minerva was still teaching when her wand skills were so poor. Nothing like the flashy wandstrokes of the Minister! She supposed that there wasn’t much skill in Transfiguration. Dolores was looking forward to the day when she would completely remove all of the professors and replace them with competent, Ministry approved, alternatives.
“Excuse me, I am fully capable of dealing with this!” Minerva raged.
“It’s really alright, Minerva. You don’t need to be ashamed of asking for help. Look at the example you’re setting for the poor children!”
Minerva muttered something about not being the poor example here. Dolores knew that her delusions of grandeur would lead her astray someday, but she would be here to pick up the pieces. Just like she had with Albus.
Dolores reached the grand doors to the castle’s exit. Outside was a half a dozen Muggles, all dressed in Kevlar and infrared goggles. Most of them had guns, save for the man in the front, who was holding a briefcase.
“To what do I owe this pleasure?” Dolores asked, smiling.
The Muggle in front stepped up to her and extended a hand. “Hello, Ms. Umbridge. I’m Hudson Smith. I’ve been put in charge of matters dealing with, ah, your people .”
Dolores sniffed. “That is Headmistress Umbridge to you. We do not tolerate disrespect here at Hogwarts.”
“I’m sure you don’t. You are surely an upstanding institute of learning. Unfortunately, we received information from a whistleblower, by owl I might add, that you have been collecting payroll taxes and haven’t been paying them to the HMRC. I know that wizards don’t really have a full understanding of how this works, but we’re to help you fully set up your-”
“Excuse me? Are you implying that I, Dolores Umbridge, the Senior Undersecretary to the Minister and Headmistress of Hogwarts, am committing tax evasion ?”
“Well, this is tax fraud, technically, but-”
Dolores drew her wand. “Never have I been so offended in all my life!” The Muggles behind Hudson raised their guns. “And to think that you’ve threatened me just because of someone blowing a whistle!”
“That’s not what that means,” one of the Muggles muttered. Hudson ignored the Muggle.
“We did look into our files and Hogwarts has never paid the payroll tax. As the Headmistress, it is your responsibility to set this up. Like I said, we’re happy to help. I even brought in my new computer with all the relevant files loaded up.”
“I know who your whistleblower must be. It’s Albus Dumbledore trying to sabotage me! That fiend!”
“Ma’am, he’s in jail,” the Muggle behind Hudson said.
“Oh, and who might you be?” Umbridge sneered.
“Euterpe Fawcett,” she said, smiling right back.
“I know your family! You’re a witch!”
Euterpe shrugged. “Yeah, and what? Am I not allowed to work for the HMRC?”
“This is a disgrace to your family! You should be ashamed of yourself!”
“Says you.”
Hudson raised his hands. “Euterpe is a valuable member of our team, Ms- er, Headmistress Umbridge, and I won’t stand for her being treated like this. Like I said, we can be done with this quickly. We just need to work together.”
“Your group of Muggles has offended me time and time again! You just want Dumbledore back in power! Well, I refuse to allow it! Flipendo !” Hudson was thrown back against the other HMRC agents.
“Please, Headmistress, we don’t want there to be any violence! Just come in peacefully and we can work this out!” Hudson shouted, pulling himself to his feet.
“Minerva must be in on this too, isn’t she? She set me up! I swear, I’m going to make her pay for this. But I’ll deal with you first. Incarcerous !” A set of pink ropes bound Hudson’s arms and feet. Dolores ran as fast as she could. They were coming for her. They wanted to remove her from her Headmistress position. It was all just a ploy by Dumbledore. He probably wasn’t even in jail; just waiting behind the scenes like the puppetmaster he was.
It was always like this. There was always someone who was jealous of her, who wanted her to suffer. She knew they watched her, listened to her conversations. This was all just part of that. And wasn’t this her fault? She knew that Dumbledore, that everyone around her was up to something and she hadn’t prepared. The only people she could trust now were the Minister and Filch. She stole a glance behind her before she ran headfirst beyond the threshold of the Forbidden Forest.
The Muggles were shooting at her. Dolores easily cast a full body shield onto herself. A few bullets hit the mark, but bounced off with a clink . Euterpe caught Hudson’s arm before he could fall and then flicked her wand, making the ropes disappear.
“Come on , slowpoke! She’s going to get away!” Euterpe said, tugging on Hudson.
“Are you crazy? I’m not armed!”
“Fine, you can just stay here like the loser you are. I’m going after her.” Euterpe held her wand in front of her, aimed right at Dolores.
“Why does this keep happening to me? This is supposed to be a boring job,” Hudson groaned.
“Welcome to the Wizarding World. There’s a reason our tax collectors are highly trained fighters,” Euterpe said, grinning. “I’m going to go off and be a hero. See you.” Hudson waved as she ran off to pursue Dolores.
Dolores swallowed and ran faster. She was not a particularly fast person, nor was she in peak form. The Muggles were gaining on her. She wasn’t going to be able to outrun them, which meant she had to outsmart them. Muggles tended to not be all that bright. Her mother certainly wasn’t.
Dolores ducked behind a large tree and cast a Disillusionment spell on herself. Then she cast the Levitation Charm on a massive branch. The Muggles came forth. Dolores was expecting them to look around for a little to see where she had gone, but instead, the group of four stared directly at her. How was that possible? She was practically invisible!
No matter. Dolores waited until one of the Muggles was close enough, then she dropped the branch on him. He screamed as the branch immediately broke his leg. One Muggle stayed behind to get the branch off. The other two were hot on her heels.
Dolores began to pant, sweat rolling down her forehead and stinging her eyes. The trees of the Forbidden Forest were getting denser and darker. She was not scared, per se, but it was unsettling to be here like this. Fitting for this to be the place where she defended herself from the cruelty of the Muggles and the machinations of Dumbledore, but unsettling nonetheless.
A bullet managed to graze Dolores’s arm. She had forgotten to put her shield back up! She cast a quick healing spell, but it was hasty and her arm was moving too much to her to aim. The skin on the whole side of her arm began to attempt to heal itself, leaving her with a massive scab all across her forearm. It itched terribly, but Dolores could not stop to fix it.
The Muggles were gaining on her again, and this time, Dolores was not feeling only physically, but magically exhausted.
She had to do something else. Something bigger. Because so far, everything she was doing wasn’t actually stopping them. Just prolonging the inevitable.
Dolores turned around and faced her aggressors. “I wish that you hadn’t been so mean to me! We could have talked about it, but you just had to insult me.” She shook her head. “This is your fault. FIENDFYRE !”
A few orange animals leapt from her wand. The Muggles watched the spell in confusion, wondering what it would do, and then the world was nothing but smoke and flames. The trees, so close together here, lit up within seconds, dry leaves and vines being eaten by the fiery animals. The two Muggles screamed, but not for long. Smoke choked their lungs, and soon they too were prey for the fire.
Dolores laughed. She had done it! Dumbledore would certainly send more Muggles after her, but she had sent them a message that she was not to be trifled with. She drew the Fiendfyre back into her wand. Only an amateur would summon it without knowing how to extinguish it.
But the damage was already done, and when fire has those key elements of oxygen, fuel, and heat, it will not give up so easily. The flames were already rushing through the forest, and to Dolores’s horror, to her . She had to run. Again.
Legs burning and throat feeling dry, Dolores forced herself to put one foot in front of the other. In the back of her mind, she knew she could cast some spell, any spell, but that little animalistic part of her brain had taken control, and all she could focus on was getting away from the deadly fire.
She burst into a clearing and took a gasp of clean air. The fire was still there, yes, but she would have some time before it reached her here. Enough time to figure out her next move.
Because of course Dolores Umbridge would have to fix this mess. It was all the fault of Dumbledore and his army for forcing her to do this. Why couldn’t they just be reasonable? But no, they had insulted her and threatened her and this was the only reasonable course of action.
Speaking of reasonable courses of action, Dolores decided that the best way to get out of this mess was a simple Bubblehead Charm and the Flame Freezing Spell. So very obvious, and yet, in the heat of the moment (literally) it was impossible to come up with a decent plan. Dolores readied her wand, but before she could cast, something hit her in the back. Something smelling suspiciously of sulfur.
“Who dares?” she screamed, whirling around. There was no one there. Another disgusting projectile hit her in the face. A bit of slime dripped into her mouth. It tasted of rotten eggs and spoiled milk. This time, she heard laughter. Students! Of course it was those little devils. This was why Dolores had to take over Hogwarts. Society would surely collapse if the brats continued to face no consequences!
Dolores was more than happy to be that harbinger of consequence. She fired a few Stinging Curses but only succeeded in snapping a few branches. The smell of smoke grew stronger.
“Come out! Or else! I have the full power of the Ministry on my side!” Her wand hand shook in her righteous anger and just a little fear.
“You’ll be expelled! Sent to Azkaban! You assaulted a Ministry worker!” Another slime bomb hit her. “ARGH! Accio slime bombs !” A pile of what looked like vomit wrapped in colorful, translucent wraps flew to her feet. They were quite sturdy, to her surprise.
“Well, guess we have to come out now, brother of mine.” Dolores knew that voice. That horrible, terrible voice that always led to misery. The Weasley twins.
“Sorry, Umbridge. You were in the way of our target practice.”
“The target was you, if you couldn’t guess.”
“Not sure how she would, George. She doesn’t have the brains for that.” They both cackled.
“That is IT ,” Dolores fumed. “Both of you are expelled from Hogwarts! Leave before I call Filch!”
“Oh no, Filch! Whatever will we do?”
“Filch isn’t about to come running, anyway. He won’t risk his poor, precious cat in that fire.”
“That’s wicked, by the way. Was the fire you or those Muggles?”
Dolores shook her head. “It was their fault! They threatened my life! I don’t need to justify myself to the likes of you . I bet you’re working for Dumbledore, too. Now go . Before you force me to make you.”
Before anyone else could move, three more people burst into the clearing. Euterpe was levitating a Muggle with a nasty looking leg wound on his leg. The other Muggle pointed her gun at Dolores’s face. The Weasleys looked at each other and ran. Cowards.
“Stand down, Umbridge. You’re under arrest for what I think are obvious reasons,” Euterpe said.
“Endangerment of children, arson, attacking officers, and resisting arrest,” the Muggle with the gun said smugly.
“You’re arresting me ? This is all your fault!”
“Really. You’re the one who cast Fiendfyre,” Euterpe snorted.
“Because you made me!”
“Alright, enough of that. Let’s go.”
Dolores pointed her wand at the levitating Muggle, who paled. “Never! I refuse to submit to your evil dictator! Look what you’re making me do! Crucio !” The levitating Muggle screamed.
“Merlin’s pants! Expelliarmus !” Euterpe cried. The Muggle fell to the ground, groaning. Dolores managed to dodge, but it broke her spell on the Muggle. No matter.
“ Petrificus Totalus !”
“ Protego ! Stupefy !”
“I don’t want to fight you, Muggle lover! Diffindo !” Euterpe gasped as a large gash cut across her shoulder.
“ Stupefy ! Stupefy !”
Dolores ran across the clearing, firing every harmful spell she could think of. “ Depulso ! Bombarda ! Everte Statum !” Suddenly, one of the smelly bombs hit her in the face. She coughed and wiped it from her face. In the time that it had taken her to clear the slime from her face, the Muggle had come up closer to her and fired some sort of gun at her.
Dolores felt terrible pain all over her body, simultaneously like pins were being pushed into her skin and like the encroaching fire had burnt her. Her muscles seized and stopped functioning. She found herself falling. Was this what the Cruciatus felt like?
“I tased her! She’s down!”
“ Expelliarmus ! Get her!” Dolores’s wand flew from her hand to Euterpe. She could feel the pressure of a gun, a real gun this time, next to her head.
“You’re under arrest, Dolores Umbridge,” the Muggle said, handcuffing her. Dolores scowled, angry at this embarrassment. Euterpe cast a few spells on the Muggle who had been hit by the Cruciatus Curse. He shakily stood up with her help.
“What happened to those kids?” Euterpe asked the Muggle with the gun.
She shrugged. “Ran off when we got here. Doesn’t matter too much, I think. Let’s just go.”
“Did someone call for us?” The Weasley twins emerged from the trees opposite the spreading fire.
“Are you two alright?” Euterpe asked.
“We’re good. You’re welcome by the way.”
“Ah. So you two threw the smelly water balloons.” They began to herd Dolores to the edge of the clearing.
“It was just a prank, mate.”
“A good one, we think.”
Euterpe sighed. “We’re probably going to have to take you two in for questioning. As witnesses, you see. It was a pretty good prank, though. Impeccable timing.” The Muggle leading Dolores snorted.
Euterpe led the way, one arm supporting the hurt Muggle and the other cutting a path through the flames. The Forest seemed to be more ash and smoke than trees. It was a relief when they reached the edge of the Forbidden Forest and fresh air. A few of the professors were working together to keep the fire from spreading closer to Hogwarts.
As soon as they emerged, Hudson jumped up and walked over to them.
“See? I was a hero,” Euterpe smiled.
“Good work. I see that it didn’t go totally to plan.”
“When does it ever?”
The Weasleys practically shoved Euterpe out of the way and began enthusiastically shaking Hudson’s hand.
“It’s nice to meet you, Mr. Smith!”
“You’re like a hero to us!”
“We even sent you a letter about how our poor, deranged Headmistress has been mismanaging all of the finances!”
“That was you?” Umbridge screamed and Hudson said curiously.
“We can neither confirm nor deny.”
Hudson sighed. “Well, I suppose it’s good that you did. Seems like she wasn’t a good fit as a Headmistress.”
Euterpe snorted. “A bit of an understatement, I think.”
“In any case, thank you for your help. We’ll take this from here.”
As Dolores Umbridge was led away from Hogwarts for the last time (as a restraining order would soon be filed not allowing her within a mile of any school), Fred and George Weasley looked at each other and smiled.
“Best prank ever.”
“We’re never going to be able to top that one.”
~~~
There is an island. It is not the first island many people would think of when asked to; it is large, rainy, and not at all deserted. On this island, there is a prison complex. And in this complex are a number of various criminals and felons, as well as their supervisors.
These guards had had a number of strange people booked into the complex as of late. Two of them could never seem to get along, and yet, with every passing day drew closer and closer together, bound by the knowledge of a world that no one there could even dream of.
“This is demeaning for a Dark Lord,” the former Tom Riddle growled.
“You did this to yourself, Tom. Dark wizardry never pays,” Albus Dumbledore replied. They were outside in a courtyard. It was heavily protected with a number of guards and a barbed wire fence. A few of their fellow inmates were playing football. They had stopped inviting either of them to join, partially because they were an old man and a snake abomination respectively.
“I hate you so much. You and all your talk of light magic and love . You know magic is just a tool, right? There’s no such thing as Dark magic! Only power.”
“I personally find spells designed to hurt innocent people to be evil, but I suppose if you realized that, you wouldn’t be here.”
“More riddles! Do you ever say anything clearly?” Voldemort huffed. “When are you leaving this wretched place? If I’m going to be trapped here, I want some quiet .”
Albus shrugged. “I’ll get out when I get out. In all honesty, it doesn’t matter much to me. Now that you aren’t a threat, I think I’d like to retire.”
“Retire? In jail ?”
“They feed us the most interesting things and the people I have met are just so fascinating! You must always remember that you can learn something from anyone you meet. Even convicted criminals. And I must say, this orange looks spectacular on me. It brings out my eyes.”
Voldemort sat on the concrete. “You are just the worst .”
“I know. But I think that someday, you’ll realize I am right. I just fear that it will be too late by then. But I still have hope for you, Tom. I never lost it.”
“You’re mad.” They lapsed into silence, watching the football game. Someone scored a goal and the concrete courtyard exploded into cheers.
The door to the inside of the prison opened. A woman walked out. Her hair was messy and her eyes were red. From a lack of sleep or tears, Albus wasn’t sure. What he was sure about was that he would never forget that face. And it seemed Dolores Umbridge hadn’t forgotten his either. She stormed towards him, hands in fists.
“Albus DUMBLEDORE! You monster!”
“Me, a monster? And here I thought I was having a nice hair day.” He gave her his best grandfatherly smile.
“Yes! You’re the reason why I’m here! You and your army!” A crowd began to form around them.
“What, you think he’s the reason you got in jail?” Voldemort asked, rolling his eyes.
“Yes, I know it! He sent those Muggles after me!”
“You know, Dolores, I too have a very strong hatred of Albus, here. Maybe we can work together.”
Dolores shoved Voldemort. “With you? I would rather lose my status as Undersecretary to the Minister himself!” The crowd laughed.
“At least she has her priorities straight, Tom,” Albus said.
“I can’t believe I am in a Muggle jail with the two worst people. Lucius had better break me out soon,” Voldemort groaned.
“So how did you get here, Dolores? If this concerns me, I ought to know what exactly I did,” Albus asked.
“You know exactly what you did! You got those Weasley brats to tell the Muggles I wasn’t paying some foolish tax! They threatened me and forced me to burn down the Forbidden Forest!” Voldemort looked enthused, which was impressive on his snake-like face.
“Ah, the wonders of youth. They’re so very clever, aren’t they? It’s one of the many reasons why I became a teacher, you know. To cultivate that creativity,” Albus said happily.
“I hate when he gets like this,” Voldemort sighed. “You learn to ignore it.”
“I will be out of here soon, mark my words. As soon as the Minister hears about this, they’ll all apologize to me!”
Voldemort laughed. “How optimistic for such a lowly cog in the machine like you.” He got to his feet. “Would you like to join the football game?”
Dolores glowered at Voldemort. “Football game.”
“There’s not much else to do around here other than listen to the old man spout riddles.”
“An excellent pun, Tom!”
“See? Now, football?”
“Fine,” Dolores said tiredly. “But only one. I can’t believe I’m playing football with the Dark Lord .”
“Well, I can’t believe I have to play football with the MInister’s pet. So there.”
“You get used to it quickly,” Albus said. “After all, this is a neutral territory where we can explore a new friendship. I find it so funny that tax evasion brought us together peacefully like this. It’s like a blessing in disguise!”
Dolores and Voldemort groaned in unison.