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Waiting was always the hardest part. In the moment, it was so easy to compartmentalize, and just focus on escaping in one piece. But here, by the hospital bedside, there was no action he could take, no shortcut or fight he could win to make this all go faster. He was at the mercy of the medbay, as well as his partner’s healing body. So he sat there for three days, watching and waiting, as his partner lay in a coma after their last mission.
As he watched Zeb’s chest carefully rise and lower with his breaths, he allowed the motion to soothe him. As long as Zeb was breathing, there was a chance that he was okay. As long as there was breath in his lungs, Kallus knew the stubborn lasat would stop at nothing to claw his way back to life. He thought back to their conversation on Bahryn fondly, remembering the words he had hissed with vitriol at the time. Now he hoped those words rang true once again. Perhaps lasat really didn’t know when to give up.
He glanced at the thick bandage wrapped around Zeb’s skull. There was a bit of dried blood that had seeped through the bandage, staining the outside. It was difficult to forget what had caused such an injury. While it looked innocuous enough, Kallus knew better. He had been there when it happened. He had been there when Zeb’s body had crashed against the wall, propelled by the forceful fist of an imperial KX-series security droid. He had watched as Zeb’s body had gone completely limp upon impact, collapsing into a tangled heap on the ground.
His immediate, painfully human, thought had been that Zeb was dead. He had certainly looked dead, the way Kallus watched the consciousness drain from his eyes briefly before they closed upon impact with the ground. However, despite his human nature, Kallus was able to put the thought aside, and neutralize the threat before putting his fears to rest.
Zeb had been breathing shallowly when he had checked on him. He honestly remembered very little of how exactly he managed to carry a fully-grown male lasat through the imperial facility, and up the ramp of the ghost. Somehow, he had managed. His undercover clothing had been covered in sweat, and he had collapsed directly next to his downed lover as the Ghost lifted off into hyperspace.
It had been hours of sitting outside the medbay, waiting and hoping that Zeb would be okay. When they finally called him in, they had told him of Zeb’s traumatic brain injury. He was extremely concussed, and was unlikely to regain consciousness anytime soon. Regardless, Kallus had stayed. Once allowed into Zeb’s room, he hadn’t left.
Still in his stolen imperial clothes from the undercover mission gone awry, Kallus sat in the chair closest to his partner. He was endlessly thankful for the rest of the Spectre team, who brought him meals and drinks during their rotating visits to see their team member. While he had been expecting a stern hand from Hera, urging him to sleep, he received nothing more than a comforting hand on his shoulder and a sad, if understanding, smile as the pilot took her leave one night.
So he had stayed. None of the medbay staff dared try to remove him. He supposed his reputation as a stubborn bastard was paying dividends just about now, as he quietly paced by Zeb’s bedside, trying to soothe his aching muscles. He had never been one for sitting in one place for very long.
At this point, the chair was mostly for sleeping and meals. He paced the rest of the time. He was sure some people thought he was slowly losing his mind, but he didn’t really care. Anxiety was a bitch, and Kallus knew that if he sat idly by, waiting for his partner to come to, he would slowly go insane himself. He had to be ready for when Zeb woke up. And he had to be there, in the room. As the person who got him into this whole situation, Kallus felt like he had a responsibility to the man, even if he wasn’t already his committed partner.
One afternoon, when the madness felt a little too close for comfort, Kallus decided that the silence was not helping anything. He sat on the side of the bed, letting his gaze drift up to Zeb’s slack face. Although the lower half was covered with a breathing mask, Kallus still felt his heart swell with affection.
“Zeb…” it felt strange talking to him, since he was not awake to listen… but Kallus had heard that sometimes, people could hear and understand words spoken to them through comas and sleep. “It’s me. It’s Alexsandr. I’m here with you, love.”
He paused for a moment, allowing himself to feel hope in his chest that the sound of his voice would be enough to rouse Zeb from his sleep. When the lasat did not move, he continued.
“I don’t know if you remember, but we were raiding an imperial supply depot for rations when you got struck in the head.” His heart sank at the memory. “I’m deeply sorry this happened. This is all my fault. If I had known better, and had better intel, we would have known about the security droids. I should have never let you face one alone. I’m so sorry.”
Kallus gently cupped Zeb’s prone hand in his. Zeb’s fingers fell slack over his own. He brought the hand up to his lips, pressing the lavender fur against his lips while speaking. “I hope you know how much I love you, Garazeb Orrelios. I know…” he hesitated, “...I never made it very clear to you. But I do love you. I don’t tell you that enough, and I am sorry. I think my own reservations about myself have made it difficult for me to express my feelings. You have suffered because of my belief that I am not enough to deserve your love. And I am so sorry. Just because I cannot fathom how someone like you would ever come to love someone like me does not change the fact that you do. And I am lucky to have you at my side.”
He looked down. Zeb hadn’t moved. The reality started to set in that he might not ever move again. Tears welled in Kallus’s eyes as he began to think of all the things he should have said, and should have done when he had the chance. It was true, what he was saying. Too many times, he had let his own insecurities get in the way of their relationship, constantly refusing Zeb’s advances because of his unworthiness.
While he still believed he was not worthy of this incredible man’s affection, he wished he could go back and tell himself to trust Zeb to know what was best for him. And if what was best for Zeb was to be with Kallus, who was Kallus to say that it wasn’t?
“I’ve been a bastard. I don’t deserve you Zeb. But I trust you to know what you want. And if I haven’t made it clear enough, I want you too. I’m sorry I’ve been so stubborn for so long.” Tears were streaming down his face now. He leaned forward, resting his head on Zeb’s abdomen and letting the tears seep into the light blanket separating them. “I want to be us. I am ready to let you love me, Zeb. Because I can’t live without you any longer.” He hiccupped in a breath before continuing. “Please come back to me.”
Kallus stayed like that, leaned over on Zeb’s hospital bed, with his head pressed into his abdomen, tears staining the blanket. Kallus’s limp body was moved by Zeb’s rhythmic breathing. His tears didn’t stop. Soon enough, his exhaustion caught up with him, willing him into blissful unconsciousness, tear stained cheeks still pressed close against Zeb’s comatose form.
~~~~
Kallus was forced back into consciousness as his head slammed against rock. The haze from his sleep refused to fade as he blinked rapidly, trying to analyze what exactly was going on. He took stock of the world around him. Blurry vision, his head throbbed. Likely concussion. He could see the mossy stone ceiling and walls of the medbay. Blocking his vision was a large purple form, breathing heavily, sharp teeth bared down at him from inches above his face.
Panic swelled in Kallus’s chest on instinct as scenes from Onderon flashed across his vision. But even in his sleep-drunk state, he knew this was Yavin 4, and the lasat above him was no mercenary.
He felt his heart sing in his chest as he looked up into the furious eyes of his lover. “Zeb,” he ground out, the lasat’s knee on his chest making it hard to breathe. “You’re awake.”
As his vision cleared slightly, he became slightly confused. Zeb was awake, that much was certain, as he was currently straddling Kallus’s chest, one knee pressed against his sternum, holding him down. That in itself wasn’t something to make note of as unusual. But the seething hate and abhorrence written across Zeb’s features made him pause.
Zeb shifted, and Kallus gasped as a hand wrapped around his throat. Claws dug into the skin on either side of his neck. His eyes went wide as he started into the seething anger and hatred above him. He tried to slow his breathing. Panic would not help him now. Not until he figured out what exactly was going on.
“Where am I?” Zeb growled at him, gripping his throat slightly tighter. “How did I get here?”
Kallus gasped for air, his vision going slightly black around the edges. “Yavin…” He gasped again, still not getting enough air. “Med… bay…” He could feel his consciousness slipping from his grasp.
That was, until Zeb removed his hand from his neck, instead burying it in his hair, pulling back hard. Kallus gritted his teeth against the pain instinctively.
“And what the hell are you doing here, Agent?”
The word made Kallus freeze. At his hesitation, Zeb pulled harder on his hair, this time pulling his head up off the ground before slamming it back into the rock below him, causing pain to bloom through his head. But that physical pain was nothing compared to the acrid panic rising in his chest. Agent…
“Answer me. I’m not gonna ask again.” Zeb’s face was less than an inch from his own. Kallus struggled against his partner’s weight against his chest. He could barely suck in a breath. His mind was moving too fast for him to form a coherent thought. “What imperial outpost is this?”
His partner released his hair, moving his hand to grip Kallus’s chin. The gesture was painfully familiar. Kallus was treated to vivid memories of Zeb holding his face like this for quick stolen moments, and brief kisses outside the temple walls. Kallus found himself yearning for the softness in Zeb’s eyes during those moments. When he looked into his partner’s eyes now, he was fixed with a gaze of hardened steel. His heart shattered. Did Zeb really not remember?
“Zeb…” Kallus hesitated for a moment as Zeb’s grip tightened at the use of his nickname. “Don’t you…” He wasn’t sure what to say. The words kept getting stuck in his throat as he silently begged Zeb to look at him with the kindness he knew he didn’t deserve. “Do you remember me?”
Zeb snorted above him. “Hard to forget someone who enacts a genocide against your people,” he snarled, pressing his claws deeper into Kallus’s cheeks.
The blood trickling down the side of his face hurt. His brain begged to fight back, to try to throw Zeb off him, and to take the upper hand against his aggressor. But he knew he couldn’t. He would never forgive himself if he hurt his partner, no matter the circumstances. So he grit his teeth against the pain, and allowed tears to well up in his eyes, unbidden. Zeb’s claws pierced his skin, and it hurt like anything else would. But what hurt the most was seeing the love of his life scowling down at him with unveiled hatred. While he knew he deserved it, Kallus wasn’t quite ready to see it played out in front of him like this, especially when he wasn’t sure what was causing it.
“I’m sorry,” he choked out, fighting Zeb’s weight on his chest to suck in a breath. “I’m so sorry, Zeb. Please forgive me.”
A confused and disgusted grimace came over Zeb’s face at his words. “Isn’t quite like you to beg for forgiveness, agent.” Kallus sucked in a relieved breath as Zeb moved his leg, allowing him to breathe. The respite was only momentary, however, as his hand returned to its spot around his neck. Zeb’s fingers closed, and he stood, dragging Kallus with him, by the neck. “I was under the impression that you fought with honor.”
Zeb pushed him back, and Kallus stumbled into the wall of the medbay. He caught himself on the rock, using it to right himself. As he met Zeb’s gaze, he was thrown back to that first meeting on Lothal. The spectres, the T-7s, his first duel with the man he now loved deeply. When he looked into Zeb’s eyes now, he saw what he saw that same day. It was like staring certain death in the face. And for the first time since Zeb had threatened him on Bahryn, Kallus felt like prey under the eyes of a predator. This was not his Zeb. It was like staring into a portal to the past.
“My love… What is the last thing you remember?” Kallus held up what he hoped as a soothing hand toward the other man. His savior. The man who had shown him mercy when he most certainly did not deserve it. The man who had seen his soul, and deemed him worthy of not only forgiveness, but love.
The look of disgust on Zeb’s face made Kallus’s blood run cold. “I ain’t your love. A monster like you doesn’t deserve love.”
While he agreed with the words Zeb was saying, hearing those words come from Zeb’s mouth shattered Kallus’s soul. He felt a sob escape his mouth against his better judgment. He felt his knees threaten to give out, and leaned back on the wall, pressing his arm against it for balance. He felt weak, powerless. His resolve was eliminated with that last statement. He was at Zeb’s mercy now. If Zeb was going to attack him, Kallus was going to take it, and let it happen. Because Zeb was right. He didn’t deserve love, especially not Zeb’s love. The words hurt more than any physical attack could, Kallus was certain. But looking at Zeb now, he wasn’t sure if the attack was going to come. His gaze didn’t leave Zeb’s eyes. At his reaction to the words, Kallus noticed Zeb’s ears pull back slightly. He was either defensive or confused.
Kallus decided it was confusion as he watched Zeb’s eyes sweep his body before meeting his eyes with a distraught confusion written across his features. “You killed my people. You destroyed my planet.” Tears welled up in the man’s eyes. “I should want to kill you. I… The last time I saw you, I wanted to kill you. So why do I care so much about you?”
Meeting the lasat’s eyes once again, Kallus knew what was going on. “Zeb. I didn’t think it would be this bad. But you’ve had a traumatic brain injury, and it seems like you’ve forgotten a lot.” He wasn’t sure if he should be the one to offer this or not. He knew he should go get the nurse. But he didn’t want to leave Zeb like this, attack or no attack. “Would you like me to explain what’s going on?”
Zeb’s eyes darted around the room, seemingly taking in the surroundings. If Zeb didn’t remember his time as Fulcrum, he certainly didn’t recognize the medbay on Yavin 4 either. He would have a lot of catching up to do. The man looked broken as he searched for anything that would stimulate a memory. When he came up empty handed, he nodded, ears tucked back against his head in frightful resignation, before sitting on the bed behind him.
Taking the cue, Kallus sat gently on the bed next to him. “The doctor said this might happen.” He wiped a tear out of his eye before continuing. “You might get the memories back as your brain heals, or you might not. But… it seems like you’ve missed a lot.”
Kallus yearned to lay his hand on Zeb’s, to comfort the man as well as himself, but he refrained, not wanting to cross any boundaries with this man who seemingly barely knew him. Zeb looked sideways at him, a sad look on his face. “Tell me everything. Please.”
His heart filled with hope and swelling with affection for this man who had just attacked him, Kallus couldn’t say no. He started on Lothal, and went from there, recounting everything Zeb had told him about his time with the Spectres before Kallus had shown up. He briefly mentioned his own involvement with rebel intelligence as fulcrum before moving on to more recent events involving them all. He left feelings very vague, only mentioning that Zeb’s forgiveness of him had been benevolent and mostly unwarranted.
Zeb shook his head. “If you did all those things you said you did, Kallus… if you’ve really changed? I’m sorry I said what I said earlier. From what you said, there’s a reason I feel this way about ya.”
Kallus averted his gaze. “I have no control over the way you feel about me, Zeb. Your feelings are your own, no matter how much I may disagree with your reasoning.”
He jumped slightly as he felt a large, warm hand against his thigh. He glanced down, seeing Zeb’s hand resting there, before looking up, meeting the man’s eyes. “I hope I remember. But… in case I don’t…” he hesitated for a moment, uncertainty passing over his face for a second before continuing. “I think I wanted you to have this… before everything went to shit with the KX droid.”
Zeb leaned forward, eyes fluttering closed as he passed his cheek over Kallus’s on the left, and then switched to the right, rubbing lightly against his beard and skin. Zeb pulled back, pressing the softest kiss to Kallus’s lips before opening his eyes again. Kallus was staring, wide-eyed.
Averting his gaze almost immediately, Zeb placed a hand on the back of his neck. “I hope the memories come back.” Kallus closed his gaping mouth after a moment, listening intently to what Zeb had to say. “But… if they don’t, I hope I told you how much I care about you. Because, if nothing else of our time together is still here… that is. I care about ya, Kallus. I care about you so much it hurts.” The look of pain that crossed his face soured the air for a moment before Kallus intervened.
He wrapped his arms around Zeb, pulling him into a tight hug, his face pressed into the other man’s neck as he spoke. “We will get through this. Together. No matter what, alright?”
Zeb nodded against him, and Kallus felt wet tears begin to soak through the borrowed imperial uniform he still wore from the mission. In that moment, he swore to himself that he would never let Zeb wonder about his feelings as long as he lived.