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Tango couldn't place when it had happened, could barely even place when he had noticed it happening.
He remembered the disappointment that came with Impulse being soul-bound to Bdubs, and the fear that came with it. It was a stupid hope to think they would be paired together, the chances of that were low, but still, Tango let himself hope. Impulse was happy with Bdubs, and Tango forced himself to be happy for him. It was something he was really trying to work on. His friend was allowed to have other friends, and it was fine. He was fine.
He really wasn't fine, but he didn’t want to talk about it.
Tango distracted himself with mining. It was physical work that kept his inner monologue focused on the work he was doing, looking for ores, listening for monsters, anything but the fact that Impulse hadn’t spoken to him since finding Bdubs. That wasn’t entirely true. They had spoken briefly in a group, with Bdubs…
It was fine.
Tango swung his pickaxe down on the iron ore.
It wasn’t even like he had a problem with Bdubs, he didn’t. Rationally he knew that. They had been friends on Hermitcraft for years now, they spoke almost daily, and they had done countless projects together. There were no issues between them.
That was the rational brain talking. The other, much louder and more convincing part of his brain was telling him so many other things. Impulse had barely looked at him in that talk. Impulse was focused on his soulmate and nothing else. And when Tango had left…
He couldn’t let go of that moment. Impulse had said he was proud to have Bdubs as his soulmate. Tango’s rational thinking wasn’t enough to drown out the voice telling him that Impulse wouldn’t have said the same if it had been Tango as his soulbound.
Tango pulled his sword from its sheath, bringing it down through the skull of the approaching Zombie.
He wasn’t needed there. Neither Impulse nor Bdubs wanted him intruding on the happiness they’d found with each other. Everyone was going to have someone, these alliances were built in. They didn’t have much of a choice like they did in previous games. Every one of his friends would have someone else, they wouldn’t need him. He felt bad for whatever poor soul was stuck with him. They wouldn’t be able to leave, no matter how badly they wanted to.
Tango had stopped mining. Stopped paying attention to his surroundings. The pickaxe fell out of his hand as his grip loosened.
Part of him just wanted to leave. Return to Hermitcraft and let Grian find a replacement, if his absence was even noticed. He doubted it. His friends wouldn’t notice, not until his soulbound was the last without someone at their side. It wasn’t like his feelings were unfounded, he saw the way they had been pulling back. Even his friends back on Hermitcraft. They hadn’t been talking like they used to. All of them had been pulling back, and the way Impulse acted with Bdubs, it was only confirmation, because if he wanted to, Impulse would treat him like that. He would make the effort to bring him in, to banter like they used to. They would form an alliance regardless of this soulbound nonsense.
Impulse didn’t care.
Tango hated feeling like this. He felt like he was throwing himself a massive pity party. He pushed it down. He didn’t care. Actually, he wasn’t sure he ever really did anymore.
Tango grabbed his pickaxe from where it had fallen and resumed his work.
If Impulse wanted to go off with Bdubs Tango would let him, it really didn't matter to him. All the time they spent together was simply that of convenience. They helped each other when it was beneficial. Nothing more. Tango didn’t mind. He was perfectly content with where they stood. They were acquaintances with mutual friends. There didn’t need to be anything more than that.
Tango was pretty sure he had already known that. They weren’t really that close. And if it all shattered then and they never spoke again he was fully content. Happy even.
The creeper really did come out of nowhere
Tango was blown up by Creeper
SolidarityGaming died
– – –
Tango was fine. Truly he felt great. Better than he had since the beginning of the games. Whatever happened before was out of his mind as he watched the flame engulfing the Ranch raise. The heat of it fueled the bubbling rage. Oh, it felt good to be angry.
“I’m having some flashbacks Etho,” Tango said in a mixture of a growl and a laugh.
“Wait, rage moment? Rage moment?” Etho asked, a smile evident in his tone. Etho would love to watch the destruction, to watch the rage of Tango.
“Tango, snap out of it.” Jimmy urged, standing in front of his partner, conveniently between Tango and the direction of Grian and Scar's base.
Tango’s hands felt warm, the fire below his skin spreading wildly, ready to raze anything that came too close. He pulled at the anger, relishing in the freedom of it. He didn’t care what happened to him anymore, as long as the people responsible felt the pain he felt. Digging deep into his memories he let himself spiral into the weightlessness of it. Grian, Scar, the Ranch, Impulse, Bdubs, everything.
He let out a laugh that almost scared himself. Almost. He could hear Etho egging him on, even if he couldn’t hear the exact words. The laughter didn’t stop, it felt good, it felt free. Nothing could stand in his way of burning Grian and Scar to the ground.
“Let's think about this Tango.” Jimmy was walking beside him. When Tango had started walking he wasn’t sure, but he knew he was heading towards Scar.
“I need a flint and steel.” Tango laughed out, “Oh this is gonna be good.”
He flexed his hands, finding the comfort of the heat in his skin.
“Tango let's think about this!” Jimmy was saying again, louder this time, “Tango don’t go straight over, let's think this through.”
Tango took a steadying breath. Scott and Cleo were behind Jimmy, talking something about burning pandas. That was a given, the pandas were gone. He would trap their base, find ways to bring them pain beyond that of physical. It was deserved.
“Stop pushing him, stop egging him on” Jimmy didn’t snap per se, but he clearly wasn’t pleased with anyone present. “You just want to see destruction.”
Tango was definitely on board with destruction, he had worked so hard to build the ranch for Jimmy, to give them a safe place to live, and because of Scar all of those hours upon hours of work were for nothing. They hurt more than just Tango, Jimmy was caught in this. He would burn the world for his Rancher.
That refuelled his rage. Jimmy was also hurt, and that was enough for Tango. Scar would not be seeing the next day. Scar would not be seeing Grian again. Scar would have no more panda sanctuary by the time the night fell.
Tango had so many plans.
It was so freeing.
“Get him inside.” Impulse’s voice snapped Tango into reality just briefly. Then the anger was bubbling up faster than it had left. Impulse, who had left him. Impulse who had barely looked Tango’s direction the past two weeks.
Jimmy was on him then, hands pulling his arm towards the ranch. Practically having to drag him inside the ruins of their home. Tango's breathing picked up again. If looks could kill, Impulse would be out of the games. He didn’t care what Impulse thought of the anger Tango was redirecting at him.
Impulse closed the door behind him, then approached Tango, reaching towards him.
“Don’t touch me,” Tango spit. “Don’t you fucking touch me!”
“You’re splitting.” Impulse said, no emotion in his words. “Or you already have…”
Tango knew that, of course, he knew that. He wasn’t an idiot. Sure maybe he didn’t really think about it, but he knew it “You think I don’t know that?”
“I figured you did,” Impulse shrugged, nodding towards the half-burned chairs that looked at least sturdy enough to sit for a conversation. “Sit.”
Tango snarled, he didn’t have time for this. Scar was getting away with burning the ranch, probably laughing about it as they spoke. He didn’t have time for Impulse pointing out the obvious.
“You split on me?” Impulse asked, taking a seat for himself now.
“I’m sorry, split? What am I missing?” Jimmy asked.
Tango’s rage lessened at the sound of Jimmy’s voice, but he wasn’t sure he could answer without snapping at his soulbound. Tango looked at Impulse, nodding for him to explain.
“Tango sees people in black and white. Either you’re all good, a saint on a pedestal or you’re all bad. Splitting is when someone falls from their metaphorical pedestal.” Impulse explained, the most barebones explanation Tango had ever heard, but now wasn’t the time to go into it.
“And you fell?” Jimmy asked Impulse, looking between him and his soulmate for answers “Why?”
Impulse shrugged, “that’s what I’d like to know.”
Tango crossed his arms, he felt cornered under the gaze of the two other men in the room. “You should know.”
“No. That's not how this works. You tell me things and I help you work through them.” Impulse said Tango hated how nice he was being. It was a front, Impulse would be kind while he was in an episode, but the second he was out Impulse would be mad, they’d have to talk about things and Tango would rather stay in the comfort of anger than have to talk about his feelings.
Impulse didn’t even try to check if he was okay. He didn’t want to constantly be the one to bring up issues, sometimes he just wanted someone to notice he wasn’t okay and know why. Jimmy could. Jimmy knew when something was wrong. Jimmy knew things that Tango didn’t even know. He knew how to be there for him. They knew how to be there for each other.
“Talk to me, Tek.” Impulse pushed, “What’s going on?”
Tango didn’t budge, “Get out of my house.”
“You want me to leave?” Impulse asked, “Because you know I’m not leaving you.”
“I want you to leave.” Tango insisted, but the rage was dying down. Something about the way Impulse was looking at him, the gentle yet firmness of his voice. Tango wanted to stay mad.
Impulse shook his head, “tell me what happened.”
“Go back to Bdubs Impulse. Clearly, he’s more important now.” Tango wanted to spit out venomous words, to bring Impulse down. He was gearing up for it. He needed an opportunity. To see his weakest point and use them to drive his point home. Impulse would leave him. Tango knew he would.
“Is that what happened? My relationship with Bdubs?” Impulse pushed.
“If that's what you want to call it.” Tango found the pressure point and he was going to push until it hurt. “How long will that last this time? I would have stood by your side through everything, but wait until someone gives Bdubs a pretty clock and he’s driving your own sword into your back.”
“Tango-” Jimmy spoke up before Impulse even got the chance
“I’m going to walk away,” Impulse sighed, standing. “but we are going to talk about this later. I’m not abandoning you Tango, but I won't subject myself to this.”
Tango continued to glare daggers at Impulse, watching as he left. Impulse was hurt, and that's exactly what Tango wanted. “Serves him right,” Tango muttered to himself.
“Tango-” Jimmy started again, but he was lost for words.
“Can you believe him? To come into our home after everything. Demanding shit from me.” Tango was pacing, shaking his hands out, feeling his hair sparking as he ranted about the audacity of Impulse. “He never made an effort and now he expects me to fix everything?”
“What’s happening Tango?” Jimmy asked. Tango looked up. His soulmate looked scared, or worried. That's what Tango noticed first. Jimmy had no idea what was going on. There was a sting of guilt in Tango's chest. “Can you talk to me at least…?”
Tango shook his head, it was barely visible he was sure, but it was all he could do.
“Well from where I’m standing you just went after Impulse when he’s just trying to help…” Jimmy said, and oh god Tango was scared. Jimmy was going to side with Impulse and he was going to leave and Tango wasn't sure he’d survive that. Jimmy, who had been there the exact second that Tango needed him, was going to leave after just two weeks.
“I’m sorry,” Tango choked on his words, trying to push down the new and unwelcome emotions.
Jimmy motioned towards the door, “Well don’t say that to me, say that to Impulse. That was a shit thing to say, dude. Why did you bring in Bdubs? Why did you go after Impulse? I thought you were friends. Tango what is happening?”
“He left me…” Tango reasoned, tears stinging his eyes “And I knew he would, and I don’t care anymore.”
“He left you? What does that mean?” The two stood there in silence, Jimmy still standing by the cow pen where he had been for the duration of the conversation and Tango in the middle of the room, unable to move as the reality of the situation settled on him.
“He left,” Tango was really trying to explain without letting himself break. He couldn’t cry in front of Jimmy. But the tears were burning his eyes and they were desperate to spill.
Jimmy deflated, seemingly defeated, “I’m going to go check on him.”
Tango tried to stop him, to say something that would get Jimmy to stay with him. He thought about grabbing his hand and apologizing until his lungs gave out. Somehow he had messed it all up again, he was losing Jimmy and he had barely just got him. If Jimmy left him he was lost. Who would he go to if Jimmy left? He had already written off all of the other members. Losing Jimmy means losing the last person he could hold onto.
But Jimmy left. Walked out the door and let it slam behind him. And Tango broke.
– – –
Impulse made himself scarce. Letting Bdubs know he was going to be away for a few hours and walked until nightfall. Exploring through the dense forest, mining in and unexplored caves he could find, anything he could think of to shake off the words that Tango had said. To remember that Tango didn’t mean it, he was just in an episode. The truth didn’t make it hurt any less.
Impulse had been on the receiving end multiple times before, it was something he knew was going to happen when Tango first explained what being a favourite person was. The two of them agreed to work through the episodes together and Tango agreed to put in the effort to be better. And for the most part, he was. The splits became less frequent, the rage became dulled, and the communication between them greatly improved, but this… this was new.
Tango would go for low blows all the time, but never did he go after trauma. It hurt to know that any part of his friend was okay with saying that. It was a trauma response, yes, but it didn’t mean he was going to get a free pass on this. There would be trust broken, and Tango would have to rebuild it.
Impulse sat down at the high point of the hill he found himself, watching the sky fill with a beautiful pink and orange mixture as the sunset. He ate one of the rolls of bread he had brought with him and just let himself breathe. He had calmed down a lot in the past hourish. Practising the very same coping skills he had learned to help Tango regulate his own emotions. They worked rather well, he was glad he learned them for Tango and now he was glad he knew them for himself. Walks always did wonders to clear his head.
His relaxation was cut short when he saw Jimmy hiking up the hill.
“Dude I’ve been looking for you for like an hour, where is your communicator?” Jimmy asked, out of breath from the climb. “I’m going to need you to explain what the hell is happening because Tango has not been very forthcoming.”
“He should have told you, another thing I’m going to talk to him about.” Impulse sighed, patting the spot beside him and Jimmy sat, “Tango has a disorder that causes a lot of emotional dysregulation. I won't go too much into it because he really needs to be the one to tell you this, but he relies on someone to get him through the day. Someone to provide emotional support basically. However, this person acts sets the mood for his entire day.”
“You’re that person?” Jimmy asked, rubbing at his nails, wincing slightly.
“Not anymore it seems.” Impulse shrugged, “we knew it would change eventually, but I figured it would be from him simply finding a new person, not because he split on me.”
“When you fall from the pedestal, right.”
Impulsed nodded, taking another bread roll from his bag and handing it to Jimmy, “And I think you might be the new person.”
“Me? Why me?”
“You were there to support him after the split, you were good to him and his brain latched onto that. He needs you.” Impulse explained.
“Is that why he started freaking out when I left?” Jimmy asked
Impulse paused, “You just left…? When?”
“Right after you, I told him I was going to find you,” Jimmy answered, clearly not seeing the flaw in his plan.
Impulse stood quickly, slinging his bag over his shoulder, “you left him alone?”
“Yeah-” Jimmy was quickly standing too, not understanding the urgency but following along all the same.
Impulse was running down the hill, the burned remains of the ranch quickly coming into view. While throwing open the gates Impules looked over Jimmy. “You’re not hurt right?”
“No..?”
Impulse nodded, continuing his run into the ranch house. Whatever he was expecting, it wasn’t exactly what he walked into.
– – –
After Jimmy had left Tango let himself fall apart, collapsing to the floor curling in on himself and pressing his forehead into the cold stone. Sobs tore through him with every half breath. Jimmy left and it was his own fault. His nails dug into the stone, trying anything to ground himself.
Tango knew he should be using the techniques Impulse had taught him, but he couldn’t bring himself to. He couldn’t bring himself out of it enough to rationalise using the techniques of the person he was supposed to hate. Tango wanted nothing more than to just dig his nails into his arms, to rip at the skin until he felt alive again. But that would hurt Jimmy. Tango wouldn’t hurt him. He couldn’t.
Tango let out a guttural scream, digging harder at the stone floor.
There was no way Tango could see himself getting out of this one. His chest burned, his heart was being ripped from his chest, his brain wouldn’t shut the fuck up and he just wanted it to all go away. He needed everything quiet.
Tango managed to heave in a breath, dragging himself towards the large chest he and Jimmy shared. Frantically he dug through it, looking for anything that would dull the pain. Something that would help him think straight for just a moment. Potions were banned in the life games.
With another scream, Tango was throwing items out of the chest, anything to rid himself of the weight on his shoulders. Armor, tools, supplies all scattered across the floor. Anything he could get his hands on was being thrown. By the time his arms were shaking and his muscles sore the rage was gone, the pain was a dull ache, and his mind was blank.
Tango curled up on the floor, and let his mind drift.
He wasn’t sure for how long, but he was pretty sure it was still light out when Jimmy had left, and now it was dark and the front door was practically being ripped off its hinges.
“Tango.” Jimmy was at his side first and Tango wished something… he wasn’t sure what. Maybe he wanted Jimmy to leave him there, to stay away. Maybe he wanted Jimmy to hold him and reassure him that everything was going to be okay. He wanted to be told he was forgiven for the bullshit he had put Impulse through over the past two weeks, for the words he had so carelessly said. He wished Jimmy would forgive him for the lies. For not telling him the truth, trying to keep the illusion that he was okay. Maybe if he tried hard enough he could pretend everything was fine again. Jimmy didn’t need to know that he had been broken. That someone so long ago had broken him beyond repair. It was all something he could just sweep under the rug a little while longer and live in the bliss he and Jimmy had built for themselves.
Nothing that day needed to be real if he tried hard enough. He could pull himself off the ground and go back to the illusion. Surely if he tried hard enough, if he just did better, if he was better…
“Tango,” Jimmy lightly brushed his hand through the blond hair. Gentle touches, gentle words, he was being so gentle and Tango just wanted it to stop. Jimmy wasn’t this gentle with him. “It’s okay, I’m here. You’re okay. We’re gonna get through this. I promise.”
Tango wanted to scream, he didn’t want to get out of this, he never wanted to be in this in the first place. He shook his head, trying to suppress the tears quickly returning to his eyes.
The tenderness and care Jimmy offered was just proof that Tango was broken. No one treated normal people like this, he shouldn't need it.
Jimmy nodded in response, “Yes, my rancher, we’re getting through this. No why don’t you sit up and take some deep breaths for me, yeah?”
Tango took in a shaking breath. “I can’t”
“Sure you can, come on, up you pop.” Jimmy brought his arms under his partner's own, helping to lift him into a sitting position. Tango gripped onto Jimmy as he sat up, immediately collapsing into his arms.
“I’m sorry,” Tango gasped.
“I forgive you,” Jimmy said, “you don’t have to be sorry on my account, but I still forgive you okay? This isn’t entirely your fault.”
Tango sobbed into Jimmy's shirt, hands gripping tightly onto the denim. They stayed like that for a long while, Jimmy holding his rancher through the sobs, through the guilt, the pain, the fear. Jimmy kept his arms tightly around the other. Until Tango couldn’t cry anymore, the numbness slowly settling upon him again.
Another hand settled gently on Tango's shoulder, the touch sending a spike of fear through him. He looked up slowly to see Impulse kneeling beside himself and Jimmy.
“Alright Tek?” Impulse offered a smile, nothing big, actually, it was a bit of a sad smile. Impulse was clearly hurting, but he was still there like he promised he would be, no matter what, as long as Tango was trying Impulse would continue to be there for him, to give him chance after chance to make his mistakes and learn. Now was no different. Tango moved from Jimmy to crash into Impulse, wrapping his arms around the other.
“I messed up-” Tango whispered.
Impulse nodded, “Yeah, but we’ll get through it.”
“I don’t want to talk right now…”
“We’ll save it for tomorrow.” Impulse said, wrapping his arms tighter around Tango. “Tonight just rest. Tomorrow okay?”
“Tomorrow.” Tango agreed, letting himself sit up fully as impulse pulled away.
“You also talk to Jimmy,” Impulse instructed.
Tango nodded, looking over to his partner “Tomorrow?”
“Tomorrow” it was a promise that tonight they would just sleep. There would be no fighting, no difficult conversations. They were allowed to just be at peace and let the hard part come later.
Tonight Impulse would go back to Bdubs, and Tango and Jimmy would curl up in their nearly destroyed home, under the soot-covered blankets and they would just be. Tonight it was just them, and the warmth they shared.
They would worry about tomorrow when it came.