Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Will is waiting anxiously at the desk when they wheel his brother through the doors.

Jay has a black eye, split lip and the skin on his face is broken in numerous places. His right arm is in a sling and strapped tightly across his chest.

He’s resting back against the raised head of the stretcher with his eyes closed but they snap open as Will calls his name.

“I’m okay.” he insists.

The fact that he doesn’t even try to sit up is incredibly telling.

“Sure you are, little brother.” Will says, taking hold of his hand. “But everyone around here really likes to feel useful so why don’t you humor us?”

“Shoulder hurts.”

The paramedics are making their report to Choi but Will ignores them, squeezing his brother’s hand.

“Give Ethan a minute to assess a few things and then he’ll get you something for that, okay?”

“‘m sorry.” Jay whispers.

“Hey.” Will says, scooting closer to card his fingers through his brother’s hair. “For what?”

“I dunno what they wanted you to do but I know it was bad.” Jay says. “Sorry I put you in that situation.”

“This wasn’t your fault.” Will says. “I’m sorry they hurt you to get to me.”

“Should have been more careful.”

“You were doing your job.” Will says. “Besides, I didn’t have to do anything. And you’re going to be just fine. All in all, that’s a good day in my books.”

Jay nods. Ethan joins them.

“Alright Jay.” he says. “You ready to run the gauntlet?”

“Any chance we can skip the CT?” Jay asks.

“Not even a little.” Ethan says with a chuckle. “That little goose egg on the back of your head needs to get cleared. Especially since you told Chout that it knocked you out.”

“But that was over twenty four hours ago.” Jay whines. “I’ve basically already made it through the observation period.”

“Well it’s a good thing nothing came up given that you weren’t being observed.” Will grumbles.

“We still need to do a CT.” Ethan says. “And then I’d like to get an MRI of your shoulder so that we can reduce the dislocation. And I hear we probably need a CT of your abdomen as well, why don’t we get you in the bay so I can take a look?”

Jay sighs but nods.

Ethan starts to push the stretcher forward but stops when Jay cries out, free arm wrapping around his stomach as he doubles over.

“Jay?” Both doctors ask in unison.

“‘urts.” Jay moans.

Ethan rips open his shirt, eyes going wide at the sight of the dark purple bruising on the lower left side of his stomach.

“Damn it.” he curses. “One of those kicks must have damaged your spleen. You’ve probably been bleeding internally for hours.”

“Great.” Jay groans, rolling to the side.

He’s pale, all color having drained rapidly from his face and Will can only imagine how much pain he must be in.

“We need to get him to the OR.” Ethan says, starting to push the stretcher again.

Jay cries out again, arm pressing even tighter against his stomach.

“Hang on, Jay.” Will says, walking alongside the stretcher with his hand on his brother’s good shoulder. “We’ll get you feeling better.”

“It hurts.” Jay whines.

“I know.” Will says. “I’m sorry, buddy. Just try to breathe, okay?”

Ethan gives him a sympathetic look as they approach the doors and Will reluctantly lifts his hand from his brother’s shoulder, falling back and watching as they disappear behind the double doors.

Voight joins him fifteen minutes later.

“What happened?” he asks.

“One of the kicks he took to the stomach damaged his spleen.” Will says dully, staring at the doors. “We went to move him into the bay so Ethan could evaluate him and he doubled over screaming in pain.”

“Is he going to be okay?”

“Depends on how serious the damage is.” Will says. “But I think so. He was stable when they took him through the doors.”

“Then why the long face, doc?”

“Because this is my fault.” Will says. “They kidnapped him to get to me. The beating that messed up his spleen was because they didn’t think I was taking them seriously enough.”

“These guys were cruel and sadistic, Will.” Voight says. “It wasn’t that they thought you weren’t taking them seriously. They wanted to hurt someone. Jay was just a target and you were just an excuse. You didn’t do or not do anything that led to them sending those pictures.”

“I thought it was over.” Will admits. “He was bruised and obviously injured but he was sitting up and talking to me and I was so relieved that it didn’t look like he’d been seriously injured.”

“You said yourself, it looks like he’ll be okay.” Voight says.

“I know.” Will says. “But right now he’s in surgery and all I can remember is how much pain he was in when he was wheeled through those doors.”

Voight squeezes his shoulder.

Will wakes up from a light doze as his brother starts moving.

After surgery, he’d gone through the gauntlet unconscious, avoiding being awake for the CT scans and MRI that he so dearly hated.

The head injury is a minor concussion with no complications. His shoulder has been reduced and his broken collar bone has been set.

He’s going to be just fine, for real this time. He just needs to rest and heal.

Will leans forward, taking his brother’s hand in both of his.

“Hey kiddo.” he says. “If you can hear me, squeeze my hand.”

It takes a moment but soon Jay’s fingers curl gently around his.

“There you are.” he says, squeezing back.

Blue-green eyes flicker open and his brother’s head rolls toward him, eyes locking tiredly on his own.

“Did they fix it?” Jay whispers.

“Just a small tear in your spleen.” Will promises him. “Ethan patched it all up. You’ll have to take it easy for a few days, wear the stabilizer for your shoulder for a few weeks but you’re going to be just fine.”

Jay nods.

“You okay?”

Will huffs a laugh.

“Yeah, Jay. I’m good. Go back to sleep. I love you.”

“Love you too.” Jay whispers, eyes already slipping closed.

Chapter Text

Consciousness is hovering somewhere just out of reach.

Not that Jay is trying all that hard to reach it. Prior to slipping under, he’d been intubated, Hailey pumping a bag to breathe for him. He’d rather not be conscious for that.

He’s done that before and it’s mot an experience he’d like to revisit.

So instead of struggling back to the surface, he lets go and drifts into the darkness.

Hailey looks up to see Will crouching in front of her.

“Is he…?”

“Surgery is going well.” he tells her, putting his hand on her knee. “He’s holding his own and they’ve repaired lacerations to his liver and right kidney. Now they’re working on realigning his broken ribs.”

“They’re putting plates in?” she asks.

“Yeah.” he confirms. “Normally they prefer to let them heal on their own but with any many breaks as he sustained…”

Hailey nods, biting her lip.

“You okay?” he asks.

“I thought he was dead.” she says shakily. “I was standing outside, safe and sound. Watching a building blow up with my partner inside. And the last time I’d seen him he was walking back toward the bomb.”

“Well he’s alive.” Will tells her. “And everything points toward him staying that way.”

She nods.

“I guess I still haven’t fully convinced myself of that just yet.” she admits. “Twenty minutes in the ambulance pumping the ambo bag so that he would keep breathing didn’t exactly reassure me.”

“He was conscious when they wheeled him out of the building though, right?” Will asks.

“That’s a bit of a stretch.” she says. “He was pretty drugged up by the time he reached me.”

“Hang in there.” Will tells her. “He’s going to be fine. And you’ll get to talk to him soon.”

“Yeah.” she agrees, nodding. “You heading back in?”

“I can stay here with you if you’d prefer.” he offers.

“No.” she says. “Go watch over your little brother. Make sure those surgeons are taking good care of our guy, huh?”

“Alright.” he agrees, pushing up to his feet. “I’ll let you know when he gets out.”

She offers him a weak smile and goes back to staring into space.

The time feels like eternity and also like a single heartbeat until her phone is going off.

‘Out of surgery.’

‘Stable.’

‘They’ll be taking him up to the ICU in a minute. C1158.’

She gathers her jacket and heads toward the elevator.

The nurses in the ICU know her, mostly from Jay’s previous hospital stays, and are happy to let her sit in his room and wait for him to be brought up.

While she waits, she unzips the bag that Kim had brought from Jay’s apartment. Tucked on the top is an old blanket that Jay’s mom had made for him when he’d broken his leg in high school.

Early on in their partnership they’d hung out at his place drinking beer and she’d seen the blanket hung over the back of the couch. After a few drinks, he’d told her of it’s origin and they’d silently agreed to never speak of it again.

Only, a few months later he’d been hospitalized following an on-duty injury and on a whim Hailey had grabbed the blanket when she’d swung by his apartment to pick up some clothes and other things for him.

He’d been confused and a little upset when she’d handed him the blanket but he’d actually slept that night which for Jay in a hospital was practically a miracle.

And so the blanket has become part of their hospital stay routine.

Tucked underneath it are a couple pairs of sweats for when he’s allowed to change into something besides the trusty hospital gown and his phone charger.

Noise draws her attention to the door and she looks up to see a bed being wheeled into the room. Will is walking behind the nurses and comes to stand next to her while the monitors are connected and the IV bags transferred.

Once the nurses leave the room, Hailey steps forward, draping the blanket over him and tucking it up above his waist.

“He’s really lucky to have you, ya know.” Will says quietly. “I never even considered that blanket.”

“I would have done anything to make him feel safer.” she says, resting her hand over her partner’s arm. “I’m just glad that I could help.”

“You do.” Will tells her. “I can’t even begin to tell you how much you’ve helped him.”

“I wasn’t there for him today.” she whispers. “I turned around and left him there.”

He puts a hand on her back.

“You were there for him.” he tells her quietly. “Jay was able to focus on that bomb because he knew that you would take care of everything else.”

He wakes up to the cool flow of air over his face.

An oxygen mask.

Better than a ventilator at least.

He forces his eyes open, scanning the room.

“He’s awake.”

He rolls his head toward the hushed whisper, making eye contact with Hailey.

“Welcome back, partner.” she says and he can feel her hand closing over his.

“Hailey?” he rasps.

“I’m here.” she promises. “And Will’s here too.”

“Thanks.”

“For what?”

“For trusting me. For getting everyone out.”

“I had the easy job.” she says. “You know I’ve never questioned trusting you, not for a second.”

Chapter Text

e hates hospitals.

Hailey keeps joking that he’d missed six days of this stay in a coma but as far as he’s concerned the three days since he’d woken up have been four days too long.

They get him up and into a wheelchair once a day so that Hailey and Will can take him out onto the hospital patio but with the double leg spica cast its an ordeal and a half.

Which is why he’s looking at pretty strict bedrest for the next six to ten weeks. He can get out of bed to be wheeled around in a wheelchair but isn’t allowed to put any weight on his legs, pelvis or hips.

Thankfully he won’t be spending much more of that here in the hospital.

They’ve held onto him while his collapsed lung has had a chance to heal up a little bit. But now that he’s stable he’s hoping to get out of here soon.

Bedrest sucks but it will suck a lot less if the bed is his.

He looks up as Will walks back into the room.

“If you’re this stir crazy after three days it’s going to be a long couple of months.” his brother comments but his eyes are sympathetic.

“What do you think my odds are of learning how to fly?” Jay asks.

“Not in the next two months.” Will says, resting his hand on Jay’s shoulder. “How’s the pain?”

“Hurts.” Jay admits. “But I don’t want any more medication. I’ve done this before.”

Will grimaces at the reminder that this is far from the first time that his brother has been laid low by an injury. He’d spent three weeks at the Walter Reed Medical Center after his return from Afghanistan via a lengthy layover in Germany.

Will had taken the train down to visit as often as he could but he knows he should have been there more often.

Jay had been miserable. The combination of the pain that he’d been in with the trauma from what had happened with how much he’d hated being stuck in a hospital.

Will had tried to get him to talk about what had happened but Jay had clammed up, refusing to disclose anything.

And then he’d been allowed to go home to Chicago and Will hadn’t seen him again until their mother’s funeral. He’d been walking by then, ignoring the cane and walker that he was supposed to be using to hobble around under his own power.

He’d been even more sullen and withdrawn, fueled by unresolved trauma and grief. Will had been too caught up in his own grief to try to convince his brother to talk about his feelings.

By the time the brothers had seen each other next, Jay had been fully recovered from his injuries, physically at least.

“I know you have.” he tells his brother, shaking himself back to the present. “And this time you won’t have to do it alone.”

Jay looks up at him.

“You were there.”

“I made it to Walter Reed twice.” Will says, shaking his head. “And once you were home I completely abandoned you. You and mom.”

Jay softens, hand drifting over to take hold of his brother’s.

“You’re here now.” he says quietly and then a smirk quirks the corner of his mouth. “And if you want to make it up to me, you could convince the hospital to let me go.”

Will chuckles.

“When Hailey gets back I’ll talk to your doctor.” he promises. “We’ll have to weigh cost versus benefit but I’ll make sure to mention the increased benefit that you get from being at home.”

“You’re the best.” Jay says, shifting slightly.

“Most people wouldn’t say that to someone who is working to get them away from a morphine pump.” Will says, shaking his head. “Then again, most people would actually be using said morphine pump.”

“I don’t need it.” Jay insists.

“I know.” Will replies, with another chuckle as Hailey walks into the room. “I’ll go chat with your doc.”

two months later

Jay clenches his teeth as his physical therapist holds his leg to manipulate the hip joint.

The broken bones in his pelvis have only been healed enough to begin exercises to restore range of motion for a few weeks.

He’s still not cleared to put any weight on them, now looking at the ten week mark of the six to ten weeks he’d been given after the injury.

He’s done this before too though after the IED it hadn’t taken as long for him to be cleared for passive physical therapy. He’d been working with a physical therapist from his hospital bed before he’d been transported back stateside.

Somehow the six weeks that it had taken to get to this point makes the exercises even worse.

“You’re doing really well, Jay.” Les says as he slowly returns his leg to the bed.

“I hate physical therapy.” Jay bites out. “Sorry.”

“No apology needed.” the young man says with a chuckle. “I know it’s not a lot of fun.”

“I should have frequent flier miles by now.” Jay quips.

“Yeah.” Les agrees. “I read your file. The good news is that from my perspective, you’re healing really well. And range of motion is coming back nicely.”

Jay nods, sitting up slowly.

Another therapy tech comes over, helping Les get him into his wheelchair. Thankfully he’s gotten the casts off his legs, all of the other fractures heaving healed well, and it makes moving around a lot easier.

He thanks them for their help and then wheels toward the door.

Hailey is waiting in the lobby to drive him home.

“How’s it going?” she asks.

“Apparently I’m healing really well.” he says. “But I just wanna stop healing and get back to my life.”

“You’ll get there.” she tells him. “Wanna stop for Thai food on the way back to your apartment?”

“Yes, please.”

one month later

He leans heavily on the bars as he completes a circuit.

After three months he’s finally back on his feet, learning how to walk again.

Hailey and Will had both accompanied him to therapy today, wanting to watch his first time walking after such a long time.

He makes the painstaking turn, rolling his eyes as he catches sight of the proud looks on both of their faces.

“You guys done gawking now?” he says.

“If you could turn around again I was enjoying looking at your ass.” Hailey shouts back.

“I’m just proud of you.” Will says, a faint flush coloring his cheeks.

Jay shakes his head at his partner.

“Though.” Will says, coughing awkwardly. “It’s a good sign that she’s got something to stare at. Means the bones in your pelvis are healing well.”

Jay laughs harder, leaning heavily on the bars to stay on his feet.

This sucks but Will was right, he’s not alone this time.

Chapter Text

Jay sits at his desk working on a warrant.

He isn’t allowed in the field for a few weeks until the bullet wound to his leg has had a chance to heal up so now he’s running warrant and subpoena requests for the team.

He hates it but its better than sitting on his ass at home.

His phone rings and he answers it.

“Halstead.”

“Jay, it’s Della.”

“Everything go okay at arraignment?”

“Rose was released pending trial. She’ll be on home arrest, wearing an ankle monitor but I know it’s not what you were hoping for.”

“What?” he asks. “I thought with multiple armed robberies and the whole taking a hostage thing they would set bail.”

“She’s nineteen years old.” Della tells him. “Young, pretty, and small. Her attorney made the case that she was led astray by her older boyfriend and the judge bought it.”

“Rose was clearly the one calling the shots.” Jay protests. “Definitely when they were holding me hostage and I have no doubt during the robberies as well.”

“I know that.” she tells him. “I’m sorry, Jay. I should have had you come in and testify to how dangerous she can be. I just really thought this was open and shut.”

“It’s not your fault.” he says, shaking his head. “I should have realized she would manipulate them. Besides, even if they’d set bail her mom probably would have made it happen.”

“Yeah. But I wanted to do better for you.”

“You did fine.” he dismisses. “Just make sure you put her away.”

“I will.” she promises. “I’ll see you at trial.”

“I’ll be there.” he confirms.

He ends the call and then finishes up the warrant.

Not long afterward, the team comes back and he gets swept up into the flow of the case, forgetting about Rose Lewis entirely.

He gets an escort to his car. The team seems to think he hasn’t realized it but one of them walks him down every night.

He wants to make a joke about how he got into trouble halfway home not on the way to his car but he’s pretty sure that Hailey would make him let her drive him home if he did.

So he gets in his truck, waves goodbye and then drives away.

On the way home he comes across construction and groans as he follows the lane diversion. At least it’s late enough that he isn’t getting caught in a traffic jam a la cones.

He jolts as his tires go off pavement and grits his teeth as pain lances through his leg.

The cones direct him further to the right and he frowns. What the heck kind of construction project are they doing? And since when do they divert traffic so far off the road?

Suddenly he comes up to a solid wall of cones and stops his truck.

Looking around and seeing himself blocked in, he gets out of the truck. He walks over to the cones and looks toward the road.

What is this?

“Look babe, there he is.” a voice calls and he turns to see a short, stocky man in jeans and a t-shirt walking up from a jeep that’s parked behind his truck.

The man is familiar somehow but Jay can’t place him.

“I told you he’d be here.” another voice responds and he turns to see a young woman walking up the other side of his truck.

Her he recognizes.

“You’re supposed to be on house arrest.” he says.

“Sal here has handled hundred of ankle monitors.” she says with a shrug. “He was able to help me out.”

“Yeah.” Jay scoffs. “And I bet that’s not all he helped you with.”

“Now detective.” she scolds. “Don’t be crude.”

“What do you want?” he demands.

“To show you why you should have maintained your integrity.” Sal says. “I don’t how much you were payed by Trevor to throw Rose to the wolves but it doesn’t matter. Cause you ain’t gonna be testifying against my girl.”

“You moved on real fast huh?” Jay asks, looking over at Rose and shaking his head. “He think he’s your own and only too?”

Then he looks back at Sal.

“You know Trevor was only robbing those banks because he didn’t have money to buy Rose the nice jewelry and clothes that she wanted, right? He doesn’t have the money to pay off a witness.”

“Shut up.” Sal says, drawing a gun and pointing it at him. “Put your weapon on the ground.”

“You really want to do this?” Jay asks. “How well do you know this girl, Sal? You met her what, yesterday? And you trust her?”

“You that desperate, Halstead?” the man scoffs. “Drop, your weapon.”

Gritting his teeth, Jay pulls his weapon from his holster. Clearing it, he crouches to set it on the ground.

“Kick it away.”

He does so, followed by dropping his keys, cuffs, badge, wallet and phone. Once he’s done, Rose steps forward.

“I’m going to pat you down, Detective.” she says with bright eyes. “I’d suggest you don’t move.”

He clenches his jaw but doesn’t move as she searches him for additional weapons significantly more thoroughly than is necessary. Sal stands back, keeping his gun aimed directly at him.

How can the man watch this and still think that Rose is actually interested in him?

Eventually she has to deem that he doesn’t have anything else on him and moves behind him, pulling his hands together and sliding heavy plastic over his wrists.

She grinds up against his hands as she tightens the flex-cuffs down.

“Are you really not seeing this?” he demands of Sal. “She’s using you.”

“Shut up.” she growls.

“Or what?” he snaps.

“I guess I’ll just have to shut you up again.” she says, pressing a kiss to the back of his shoulder blade.

“What a fucking idiot.” Jay mutters under his breath.

Rose giggles and then slams her knee into the back of his legs sending him crashing down to his knees.

“He is.” she confirms quietly. “But he’s an idiot who thinks he’s in love with me.”

Cool metal touches the back of his neck and then she’s cutting down the back of his shirt. She keeps cutting, working around his bound arms and then cutting the shirt into strips.

“I brought some duct tape to gag you with this time.” she whispers into his ear. “But it’s in the jeep so this will have to do for now.”

Before he can get a word out, she shoves wads of his t-shirt into his mouth and then ties them into place.

“Get up.” she snaps.

It’s a struggle. His leg is healing but it hasn’t had much time to recover from the bullet that had ripped through his leg. He manages to get to his feet and starts limping toward the jeep when Rose shoves him forward.

Halfway there he spots headlights approaching behind the jeep and slows his path.

Please don’t let that be another innocent bystander walking into Rose Lewis’ web of hell.

Voight’s SUV swerves hard around the jeep before coming to a screeching halt, the man himself bailing out with his weapon at the ready.

“Let him go, Rose.” he shouts.

Sal spins, pointing his gun at Voight instead of Jay and he takes the chance to reel back into Rose, taking her to the ground and then rolling under his truck.

Shots ring out and he hears bullets ricocheting off the undercarriage of his truck.

“No!” Rose shouts. “You can’t kill him, he’s mine!”

“What?” Sal calls. “I thought you just needed him out of the way so he didn’t testify.”

“Don’t be stupid.” Rose snarls. “If this was just about killing him why the kidnapping?”

“He was right, wasn’t he?” Sal asks. “About you using me.”

“Why is it so hard to find good help?” Rose snarls.

“Because you’re a psycho bitch.” Voight shouts. “Sal, put the gun down. Rose, get your hands in the air.”

More vehicles approach and soon he can hear the buzz of other officers joining Voight.

“Damn it!” Sal shouts.

“Don’t you dare put your gun down.” Rose snarls.

“Screw you!” the man shouts.

The bedlam moves closer and then a face is appearing under the trim of his truck.

“Jay?” his brother calls. “It’s all clear. You can come out now.”

He rolls out from under his truck and his brother helps him sit up, untying the fabric securing the gag in his mouth.

“This bitch is so bad for my wardrobe.” Jay groans while Will reaches behind him with a pair of trauma shears to cut his hands free.

“I’m a little more worried about the rest of you.” Will says, leaning back and scanning him for injuries.

“She didn’t hurt me.” Jay says. “She was too busy groping me and the only thing the knife got to was my shirt.”

Will breathes out an unsteady breath.

“I can’t let you go anywhere.” he mutters, tugging Jay into a hug. “I swung by your apartment to check on you. When you weren’t there, I called Voight to ask when you would be leaving the office and when he said you’d left over an hour ago….”

“Thanks.” Jay says, hugging his brother back.

“Paramedics will be here in a second.” Will tells him, still holding him close.

“I don’t need medics.” Jay whines. “I told you she didn’t hurt me. Can we please just go back to my apartment? Drink some beer, watch the game?”

“Let the medics look you over.” Voight orders as he approaches. “And then you can go home.”

Jay nods, letting his brother help him to his feet with a suppressed groan.

“And Jay?” his boss calls.

“Yeah boss?”

“Next time someone who kidnapped you gets released, I wanna hear about it from you, not from someone else after you go missing.”

Chapter Text

She offers to drive him home and sit with him until his brother gets off work and can take over.

She knows everyone thinks it’s about guilt and maybe that’s part of it but she also truly does care about this kid. No matter how much damage it might do to her reputation for being a hardass.

She just doesn’t usually have the chance to volunteer for babysitting duty. Jay has a lot of people who care about him and a couple, Voight, Hailey, and Will, almost always get first dibs.

But Hailey and Voight are handling a priority case assigned by the mayor himself and Jay had begged Will not to leave the hospital any more short staffed than they already are being that it’s flu season.

So Trudy had been given the chance to step up and now she’s helping the detective limp into his apartment.

Even after almost a week in the hospital he’s in a lot of pain and moving stiffly and slowly even with a lot of help.

He settles onto his couch and she hurries into the kitchen, getting him a glass of water to take his meds.

“I hate this stuff.” he mutters as she places the tablets into his hand.

“I don’t think there’s a cop out there who likes it.” she tells him. “But I’ve seen your x-rays. You need them.”

He sighs and tosses them into his mouth, washing them back with a swig of water.

“Probably should have gotten you right into bed.” she says with a frown.

“Not ready to sleep just yet.” he says, shaking his head.

His eyes are drooping, his body exhausted from the energy required to heal and from the constant pain that no medication can completely quench.

“Of course not.” she agrees with a smile. “You want to watch some television? I can try to find a good documentary.”

“Trying to put me to sleep?” he asks with a tired smile.

“Somebody needs to.” she says frankly. “You look like hell, Jay.”

“Oh.” he mutters. “That explains why I feel like hell.”

“So give the meds a few minutes to do their thing and then get some rest.” she encourages.

He nods.

“Can you hand me the remote?” he asks. “If I’m getting a documentary lullaby I’d like to pick which one.”

She hands him the remote and he turns on the tv, searching through his streaming service.

He finds something and hits play, shifting a little to get more comfortable.

As expected, within minutes his eyelids are drooping and she smiles, reaching for the remote to turn the volume down.

“There was a pick up location down the block that took kids to the nearest Catholic school.” Jay says, eyes remaining closed. “He would pull up around six forty five and then leave for the school at seven fifteen. We only had the one car and my dad needed it to get to work so I had to make sure not to miss the bus. Most days that meant that I was in my seat by six fifty.”

Trudy stays silent.

It’s pretty easy to see where this goes but he needs to say this so she’ll wait patiently and give him the chance.

“When he first started walking back to chat I just figured he was one of those lonely older guys that just need someone to talk to.” he continues, head rolling to the side and his eyes opening the barest of slits.

His eyes quickly close again, face turning back toward the ceiling.

“But he went from leaning against the seat in front of me to sitting next to me to his hand resting on my thigh to…”

He trails off.

“Did you ever tell anyone about it?” she asks gently.

“I couldn’t.” Jay says. “The previous bus driver retired at the end of the school year the year before. They spent the whole summer looking for a replacement driver. Kept sending letters to the parents that they might have to find alternate means of getting their kids to school if they couldn’t find someone.”

Trudy nods. A young Jay Halstead putting up with abuse to avoid putting additional stress on his parents lines up pretty cleanly with what she knows about him.

“How long?”

“He was our driver for the whole year.” Jay says. “At least most of it. He uh, had a heart attack a few weeks before the end of the school year. Mom and dad got me a transit pass and I rode the city bus for the rest of school.”

He swallows hard and she has to resist the urge to reach out and touch him, to try to provide some small amount of comfort.

“He was dead so I… I never felt the need to tell anyone what had happened. It wouldn’t do any good and it would just upset my mom so I … I just kept it to myself.”

He looks over at her again.

“And I used to think it was in the past, that I was over it but then I see those kids, watch them struggle to put to words what happened to them and it’s like… like twelve year old me is taking over my brain and I can’t…”

He coughs, taking a breath.

“I just feel scared and angry and I try to focus on the angry until the case is over. Because I know that if I can’t do that, if I let the scared take over then I’m not any good to anyone.”

Trudy’s heart breaks a little bit but his next words almost shatter her completely.

“Sometimes I wonder if I’m any good to anyone anyway.” Jay says quietly. “If maybe I should transfer to a unit where I won’t encounter child sexual abuse victims. So I won’t be a liability anymore.”

“You are never a liability, Jay.” she tells him, reaching for his arm. “And especially not on these child abuse cases. I meant what I said in the parking lot that night, Jay. These kids open up to you in a way that they don’t to anyone else on the team. Maybe because they see themselves in you, maybe because your experience helps you find the right words, maybe something else entirely. I don’t know what it is but I do know that it makes a difference. To solving the case and to these kids. You make them feel seen and safe. Never underestimate the importance of that Jay.”

“Sometimes I see a school bus and I… I don’t want to feel scared anymore Trudy.” he admits quietly.

“Talking about it will help.” Trudy tells him. “And you don’t have to deal with this alone anymore, Jay. Just let me help you.”

He nods, hand tracking over in search of hers. She takes it, squeezing it gently.

Chapter Text

He’s still so tired even though Will insists that the ketamine should be out of his system by now.

He can’t help but wonder if it’s a lingering effect of the Emsam.

But that’s probably in his head, probably related to his past issues with the drug.

He’d been such a mess at the time. So desperate for anything that might help but also no where near ready to even consider talking about what he’d experienced.

Emsam had seemed like a lifeboat. Something to help him stay afloat in a world where he’d felt like he was drowning.

Instead it had pushed him under.

A tap on the door frame has both he and Hailey looking up to see Voight standing in the doorway.

“Hey kid.” he says, looking him over. “How are you doing?”

“Still feel like I’ve run a marathon but I’m okay. Will says the doctors are talking about cutting me loose before long.”

“Well I just got done talking to Harold Flemming.” Voight says. “I thought you might want to know that he wasn’t connected with our case at all. Just an idiot who thought he knew better than any of the doctors at the clinic.”

“He said.. that sometimes he has to intervene.” Jay says.

“Yeah.” Voight says. “You weren’t the first person that he’s forcibly medicated. I guess his routine is to remove the restraints one he’s got the ketamine in and the Emsam patch placed. His ‘patient’ sleeps off the sedatives and the interaction just in time for their morning therapy appointment.”

“And the therapists don’t notice that their patient is a little more groggy than expected?” Jay asks. “Cause I was scheduled to be meeting with Gabriel three hours ago and I still feel like horse shit.”

“A lot of patients are freshly started on new medication.” Voight says. “They didn’t pay too much attention.”

Jay shakes his head.

He’s so sick of hearing about vets falling through the cracks.

Ever since this case has started he feels like its all he’s heard about, only these vets have been hurt by the very people who were meant to be caring for them and the rest of the system just hadn’t cared enough to stop it from happening.

All too recently he’d been the vet hopelessly floundering and too many times he’d reached out for help and found nobody.

The only time that he’s had reliable support from the VA had been after the IED.

Partway through his recovery, he’d received his discharge paperwork and been transferred from active duty medical care to the VA system. And at first they’d done okay by him.

He’d needed extensive physical therapy and they’d set him up with tri-weekly appointments.

But as the weeks had progressed the availability of appointments had decreased. And once he’d been cleared to start working again his work schedule had eliminated the last of the appointments that were available.

He’d continued some of the exercises on his own but it had been hard without the equipment.

There’s a lingering ache in his knee when weather rolls in and he always wonders if it would be better if he’d been able to finish out his physical therapy.

The VA resource that’s helped him the most has been peer support groups, not funded by the government and run almost entirely by volunteers. Volunteers who are also veterans.

“Jay?”

Hailey’s voice pulls him out of his thoughts and he surfaces back to the present to see both her and his boss staring at him with worried expressions.

“Sorry.” he says, swallowing. “Just… frustrated with all of this I suppose.”

Hailey squeezes his arm, offering him a sympathetic smile.

“They shouldn’t have just slipped through the gaps like that.” he says quietly. “Not the guys that Gabriel was manipulating and not the ones that Flemming was ‘treating’.”

“You shouldn’t have either.” Voight tells him.

“I’m okay.” Jay says. “I managed to find my way through without ever getting talked into strong arm robberies.”

“You’re a hell of a lot tougher than most guys.” Voight says, putting a hand on Jay’s arm. “And you struggled. A lot. You figured out how to bury the thoughts and devoted a hell of a lot of energy to keeping them buried. But eventually you couldn’t do it any longer. You needed help, Jay. And it’s not fair that the VA didn’t give you that help when you asked.”

Jay glances up through heavy eyelashes.

“When you and Erin were having problems. When you started going to that peer support group trying to fix yourself for her.” Voight says slowly. “I know you were looking for more. That you tried to get a therapist. And they let you down.”

“They said it could take over six months to get me an appointment.” Jay admits. “I thought… I thought nobody else would understand. And… there’s some classified shit that I still haven’t been able to talk to anyone about because it has to be a DOJ authorized therapist and… I…I’m still on the waiting list for one of those.”

His boss’s face tightens in annoyance and Jay stumbles on.

“It’s not a big deal.” he says. “I’ve worked through a bunch of other stuff with the therapist you made me go to. It makes the classified shit easier to handle.”

“It is a big deal, Jay.” Voight says. “You shouldn’t be… holding onto issues because they won’t let you talk to anyone other than a therapist that they can’t provide you with the chance to talk to.”

Then he lets out an angry breath and shakes his head.

“I just wish I knew what to do about it.”

“You’ve done plenty, Hank.” Jay says gently. “If you hadn’t forced me to see that therapist after everything with Camilla, and if Hailey hadn’t bullied me into actually talking to her, I don’t know where I would be right now but it probably wouldn’t still be working in Intelligence.”

“I’m good for nothing if not a little tough love.” Voight says with a wry smile. “If you need someone to talk to, I’m here. And if you need to unload some of that classified baggage, screw the Department of Justice, you can talk to me. You know I won’t say anything to anyone else.”

“Thanks boss.”

“Now I know the docs are talking about setting you free but you still look like shit so why don’t you try to get some sleep until they do? And can I borrow Hailey for a minute?”

Jay nods, settling back into the pillows.

Trent walks into the room, offering a smile at the sight of the man dozing in the bed.

“Mr. Halstead?” he says quietly.

Eyes blink open quickly, confirming his suggestion that the man wasn’t truly asleep.

“My name is Trent and I’m a Med student. I just need to check your IVs and monitors. I’ll try to be quick.”

He gets a tired nod and then the eyes slip back closed. He busies himself checking the equipment and then rechecks the notes on the man’s chart before donning a pair of gloves and opening the package on the Emsam patch.

It’s in the notes that the medication is being used and hopefully his instructors will appreciate the initiative.

Once it’s in place, he smoothes the sleeve back over it, adds the additional note to the chart and then leaves the room.

Hailey passes the student on the way out and can’t help but give her boyfriend a quick once over as she retakes her seat next to his bed.

Jay stirs as she takes his hand but quickly stills, head angling toward her and she doesn’t see any sign that anything has been tampered with.

For the next three hours she reads while he sleeps and then Will joins them.

“Think he’d be mad if I hold off letting him know he can go home so he can get a little more sleep?” he asks.

“I think he’d be furious.” Jay mumbles without opening his eyes.

“Oh alright then.” Will says. “You ready to go home, buddy?”

“Get me the hell outta here.” Jay says, finally opening his eyes.

“Okay, okay.” Will says. “I’ve got your…”

He trails off, putting his hand on his brother’s forehead.

“Will stop.” Jay groans. “I’m fine. Just let me go.”

“You’re a little warm.” Will says, glancing up at the monitors. “It’s not too bad but I don’t like how clammy you are.”

“You’re looking for any excuse you can find to keep me here.” Jay bites out irritably.

“I just don’t want to send you home and realize that I should have waited.” Will says. “And you are running a low grade temp.”

“Just give me the damn papers.” Jay growls.

“Jay.” Hailey cuts in. “You’re shaking.”

“Because I’m pissed off.” Jay snaps.

Then he shakes his head.

“No wait I…. ‘m sorry Hails. I shouldn’t yell at you.”

“Jay.” she says, squeezing his hand. “Something’s wrong. You know that right?”

He looks down at his shaking hands.

“I don’t feel so good.” he whispers.

“This shouldn’t be happening.” Will says. “The ketamine should be out of his system by now, the Emsam too.”

He grabs a tablet and starts reading through the notes in his brother’s file.

“Hails.” Jay says, voice shaking.

“It’s okay.” she assures him. “Will’s going to figure out what’s going on. He’ll take care of it.”

“Wi-”

Jay cuts off as a fierce tremor runs through his body but it doesn’t stop there, his head throwing back as his eyes roll up into his skull.

“Will!” Hailey screams.

Will looks between his seizing brother and the monitors.

“This is seratonin syndrome.” he says. “But how?”

“You can figure that out later.” Hailey snaps. “Help him!”

A nurse comes in in response to the alerting monitors and Will snaps out.

“I need ten milligrams of diazepam and a bag of brevibloc. And send the on call attending in here.”

She nods, immediately reversing course. He turns back to the bed, sliding the oxygen mask over his brother’s face.

“Hang in there Jay.” he begs. “We’ll get this sorted out.”

The nurse comes back in with the attending on his heels. Will takes the syringe with the diazepam and injects it into the IV while the nurse hangs the bag, connecting it to the line.

The attending approaches Will.

“What’s going on?”

“It looks like seratonin syndrome.” Will says. “I’m trying to control the symptoms right now so that I can figure out where it’s coming from.”

“Has he been given any medications that would cause that?” Dr. Folger asks, glancing up at the monitors.

“He was drugged with Emsam yesterday.” Will answers. “I know this is late for seratonin syndrome but it can’t be a coincidence.”

“We’re still within the twenty four hour window.” Folger offers. “It’s possible but unlikely.”

“Hang on.” Will says, pausing his reading of the chart for a moment. “A med student administered another patch a few hours ago.”

“What?” Folger asks.

“There’s a note in here.” Will says searching for the patch. “It hasn’t been approved so I had to look a little deeper.”

“Alright.” Folger says. “That explains a little bit more of this. He’s already responding to the meds you ordered. I’m going to run some bloodwork, see how high his seratonin levels are and check some basic levels.”

“This isn’t his first time with this.” Will says as he finds the patch on his brother’s arm, ripping it off. “He had it over ten years ago.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.” Folger says. “We’ll take care of him, Will. Don’t worry about being his doctor, just be his brother.”

Will nods, turning back to his little brother just as Jay’s eyes blink open.

“Hey kiddo.” he says, leaning forward to card his fingers through his brother’s hair.

Jay just blinks up at him, eyes reflecting his confusion.

“Someone slipped you some more Emsam.” Will tells him, shaking his head when his brother’s eyes go wide with panic. “I’ll take care of it, it looks like an idiot med student was trying to punch out of his weight class.”

“Feel bad.” Jay wheezes.

“Seratonin syndrome.” Will says. “We caught it early. You’re already doing better, you’re going to be fine.”

“Wan’ go home.” Jay whines.

“I know.” Will tells him. “I know you do and I’m so sorry that I can’t let you do that just yet.”

He runs his fingers through Jay’s hair again.

“You’re stable right now but I know you’re tired, bud. Why don’t you go to sleep? I’m not leaving you again. You’re not doing this alone this time. And Hailey’s gonna kick the ass of anyone who looks at you even a little funny.”

“I’m so sorry, Jay.” Hailey says. “It must have been that med student who came in while I was talking to Voight. I… checked for signs of interference but I should have looked closer.”

“Not yer fault.” he whispers.

“Sleep.” she urges. “We’ll be here.”

He reaches for her and she gladly takes his hand, kissing his forehead.

His eyes fall closed with a tired sigh.