Work Text:
"Man, when does that stupid bus finally come?", Jim asked for what might've been the hundredth time.
"It is scheduled to arrive in 4.56 Minutes.", Spocks calm voice grounded him a little.
"Thank you.", he leaned against the warm wall behind the bus stop and noticed the look Spock gave him. It was concerned, bared the question Jim didn't dare to answer. He lowered his gaze and Spock understood.
More time passed, Jim tried not to think too much about anything and Spock didn't leave his side. He barely even breathed and Jim felt that deep appreciation. When Spock looked at him, his face soft, eyebrows ever so slightly closer and his lips softly pinched together in the middle, Jim felt with certainty, Spock knew.
He took a deep breath. It must've been ten minutes now.
"Are there even any people left on this planet?", he asked the night sky above them.
"It would appear so captain. There is light in some of the windows across the road and a carriage passed us 1.2 minutes ago."
"I know, I know.", Spocks voice helped a little with his restlessness. "It's just, ah, I don't know. Today... I'm so overwhelmed from everything that happened in the last couple of days.", he felt bad for it but then again, why shouldn't he be allowed his own emotions?
"I know Jim, it's been a lot to process emotionally.", Jim smiled a little and felt proud of everything Spock had learned.
"How are you Spock?", he asked, carefully monitoring the eyebrows of his beloved.
"I am functioning quite adequately, Captain.", his voice sounded firm as always and Jim wasn't sure what to make of the pull on Spocks lip.
"Thank you for asking Jim.", Spock said and leaned against the wall next to him.
"How much time?", Jim asked.
"Minus 5.97 minutes.", Spock answered and his shoulder touched Jims ever so lightly.
*
Back at their flat, Jim closed the door behind them. He turned around to take Spocks hat off and for a moment he just looked at those ears he'd grown so fond of.
"I really hate that you have to wear that hat around here.", he said, tossing it away to forget it's existence for the night. Spocks face grew softer before he took a step towards Jim.
Jim couldn't help it, the warmth of Spocks body, how he just stood there, all of it came at him at once and he felt it in the clench of his jaw.
"Jim.", soft hands held on to his shoulders. "You can let it out. I won't judge you and you know how much it helps to relieve the pressure.", Jim felt his heart might combust and he didn't fight the sensation in his eyes.
Spock pulled him against his chest. The smooth, real cotton felt good against his cheek.
After a while, Jim emerged out of the softness.
"Do you think you have a little time to spare, so you could maybe...", his eyes trailed from Spocks gentle face to the bed and Spock understood.
"For you, anytime Ashaya.", Jim felt that comfortable feeling rise in his chest and Spock held his face as he kissed Jim softly.
They undressed each other slowly. The dirty starship boots, the pants that had grown itchy and at last they unbuttoned each other's shirts.
Together they laid snuggly in the narrow bed close to the window. The moon lit the room in a sparkle that felt unreal and Jim's tears felt easier.
"I love you Spock. Please never leave my side."
"I could never, Captain.", Jim sniffled.
"No, not like this. I mean not only like this. I love you as my first officer, I love all of the crew and the enterprise, no doubt.", he paused.
"You know, I'm ready to give my life for any of you if I need to at any time."
"Yes Jim, I and many of the crew do.", Spock sounded gentle and very certain.
"But Spock, I love you infinitely more than that. Than my career, the enterprise... I would risk everything I have for the hint of a chance to save you.", he put his hand on Spocks chest and just felt every ounce of love he had for Spock that went so far beyond words. He felt Spock being overwhelmed by it for a moment and smiled at his flustered expression.
"I know, Jim.", he whispered, resting his forehead against Jims, his eyes closed and Jim felt Spocks warm breath against his mouth.
Jim smiled and softly touched Spocks face, tracing the the corner of his mouth.
"Jim, T'hy'la, I've always read about partnerships like this, I've dreamt of a connection born in love and living on understanding.", he paused as Jims fingers touched his lower lip.
"I never thought I would ever be part of one and... feel love like this.", Spocks words sounded awfully sad and his face looked like a bitter memory that he would never forget.
"Spock", Jim whispered at a loss for words. "Spock... you are so easy to love, it feels like the only logical thing to me. How could anyone ever made you feel differently, I can't understand.", Jim could see every emotion he felt through their connection in Spocks face and he realized how he could never get used to this.
"I love this expression so much.", he whispered and kissed Spocks lips and felt desperation in the way Spock moved towards him.
Jim searched for his hand, softly bringing their fingers together and Spock just looked at him.
They stayed like this for an eternity that was gone in the blink of an eye and Jim thought if he didn't move, maybe time wouldn't either.
But it did and his body reminded him of his anxiety and Spock kissed his cheek when he felt the shift.
Jim smiled but the thoughts came back, the tension was dwelling in his chest, the utter illogical despair was hanging over his head.
"Spock, can I tell you something?", the words came out slowly, unsure if Jims voice would hold up.
"Anything, Ashayam.", Jim smiled through the tightening of his chest and nestled closer towards Spock.
"I've been doing a lot of thinking recently.", he halted, trying to figure out how to go on. "Reflecting on myself and trying to understand my whys better.", Spock nodded slowly.
"That is great my love.", he didn't say more and Jim knew that this was the space Spock gave him. The space he needed.
"I...", he felt Spocks arm under his neck. His hand firmly on Jim's waist, felt the way Spock helt him so securely.
"The whole giving my life, my body or my sanity if it might save someone else, I...", Spocks hand laid on his arm, a soft contact, making sparce movements. His breath trembled in the silence.
"I'm not sure if that's actually a selfless act, Spock.", he loved the way Spock pulled him closer, loved the way he only seemed to exist between Spocks body and the warm cover as his body clenched around his sobs.
"Spock.", he whispered against his chest, pushing the sob in his throat down. "I've felt like I've outlived my life expectancy ever since the day I turned 18.", the words tasted bitter on his tongue and it hit him in a wave, how little he ever cared for himself, how little the people he used to trust ever did to change that and he lost himself a little. Did they ever even bother to notice?
"Jim.", Spock softly said, his fingers brushing over Jims wet cheek. "My love, you never had some sort of limit on your life like that.", Jim sobbed quietly. "You are an incredible human being. You are important to all of us. As an outstanding captain and as a dear friend to many.", the reassurance felt right. Spock wouldn't lie to him. He knew that, at the very least, even if there was nothing else in his mind that felt certain.
"I love you so dearly in ever aspect there is. The captain and the cadet, the one that knows just about half of his crew by name and the one that can't pronounce my name.", he held Jims face softly in his palms.
"Ashau nash-veh tu.", his voice was soft, so soft. It was rarely this soft and through his dread, besides his anxiety, Jim savored every second of it.
They stayed silent and Jim focused on his senses, far away from his thoughts he could hear Spock breathing in an out, his heart beating steadily. He was surrounded by the warmth and Spocks scent. Only noticeable when one came this close, it was somehow very firm and formal and flowery at the same time and today he smelled of the work day too.
"Spocky.", he whispered, still pressed against that same spot on Spocks chest, leaving his lips on it for a moment. "I think I want to stay alive for you.", another wave of tears hit him upon the realisation how fucked up that sentence was.
But he loved how Spock just let him cry it out. Loved every feeling that came through the bond Spock might never admit to having outside of moments like these. Spocks own way of vulnerability felt more reassuring than anything else could.
When he didn't say anything again, Spock lowly spoke some words in Vulcan. There was a pattern and a rhythm to it that only seemed to exist between the space of Spocks lips and Jims hair.
Jim didn't stop crying for a while, but he felt Spocks heart against his and the deep calmness Spock radiated fit perfectly to his low voice.
This is a nursery rhyme, Jim thought before he drifted off.
*
When he turned around in the morning, away from the sunlight, barely awake, Jim heard a little noise. It sounded a lot like Spock standing up to make coffee and he couldn't help but smile into the covers.
Jim opened one eye and watched Spock. He stood at their little makeshift kitchen between bits of electronic and Jim could perfectly watch the muscles of his broad back move around and drag the fabric. He heard the water drip through the filter on top of the mug and he wondered when Spock picked up how to do that.
As Spock turned around he quickly closed his eyes again but he knew that the smile would give him away.
Quiet steps came towards him, stopping a few inches before his face and then he felt Spocks breath on his face.
"Hey Jim.", Spock said softly, touching the fingers that peaked out of his blanket.
Jim opened his eyes and looked directly at Spocks face.
"You're so pretty.", he whispered and stretched his neck to kiss Spocks lips.
"Before today starts, I...", he trailed off, the memories of yesterday night resurfacing. He sat up slowly, watching Spocks expression of concern and confusion.
"What was that you... sang?", he immediately felt the embaressment rush through their connection.
"You don't have to tell me, Spock.", he added, almost feeling sorry that he'd asked.
"I know Jim, I know." Spock said. "But I want to.", the words came out slow, a little crooked but Jim felt that they were honest.
"Please do it then.", Jim said, softly threading his fingers through Spocks.
"That was a nursery rhyme from earth. It was passed down to my mother from her great-grandmother, maybe even further down, and she sang it to me when I was very little. At some point she made up the Vulcan words I used yesterday.", for a moment Jim just looked at Spock. His gaze going right through his face to a place so far away. Jim breathed deeply as he took in everything that flowed from Spocks mind to his and back.
"Thank you Spock, I know how much this means.", they kissed again, slowly and thoughtfully, and before they had to get up and face the world, they sat down at the kitchen table. Jim with the mug in his hand and Spock deep into the parts once more.
"Did you sleep at all tonight?", Jim asked.
"I meditated for .56 hours.", Jim wanted to protest and command Spock to his quarters but he knew that was frankly impossible on more than one account.
He felt that familiar comfortable feeling in his chest pushing down the anxious, concerned ones and he knew that it was a mixture between his and Spocks emotions.
He looked at the old fashioned clock on the wall, it was 6:30, probably. They had about half an hour left before they would go to the canteen and Spock looked so pretty between the cables.
He saw the corresponding blush on Spocks cheeks and felt the look Spock shot him in his bones. Jim held up his hands to signal defeat and smiled at his T'hy'la.