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It’s late by the time Eddie finally pulls up in front of his house. In the passenger seat beside him, Buck is still staring blankly out the window, showing no indication that he’s aware they’ve arrived at their destination.
He’s been like this since they left the hospital. Quiet, still. Despondent.
“Left” is probably a generous way of putting it. After hours of keeping vigil in the hospital waiting room, Athena had practically forced them all into the parking lot after they got the news that Bobby’s surgery had gone well. The doctors were only cautiously optimistic, but their confidence was enough to have Athena sending them all home for a good night’s sleep and a change of clothes. She ordered them to look more presentable for when Bobby woke up the following day.
Eddie wishes he could summon some of Athena’s unshakeable faith – not just for Buck, but for himself as well.
When they’d arrived back at the station, Eddie had taken one look at Buck’s nearly catatonic state and made the executive decision that Buck was coming home with him. Buck hadn’t put up any fight when Eddie had taken his duffle bag and steered him to the truck; he’d barely acknowledged Eddie’s declaration that he’d be spending the night.
Now, Eddie reaches across the middle console to undo Buck’s seatbelt. The click of it releasing is deafening in the stifling silence of the truck. Buck flinches a bit at the noise, finally turning away from the window to look at Eddie.
“We’re here,” Eddie says.
Buck nods, still not speaking, and opens the passenger side door to get out. Eddie sighs and follows him.
The house is dark and still when they step inside. Eddie drops both their bags at the front door, happy to let that be a problem for tomorrow – today, whatever – before herding Buck to the kitchen. Neither of them have had anything to drink other than shitty hospital coffee since Bobby’s accident, so Eddie quickly fills two glasses with water. When he hands Buck a glass, Buck stares at it like he’s never seen water before in his life.
“Drink,” Eddie encourages. “We’re both probably dehydrated.”
Buck brings the glass to his lips, his movements jerky and robotic. Any other day, Eddie would tease him for it, but he knows that’s the last thing Buck needs right now.
After taking a few sips, Buck suddenly looks around, like he’s just realized where he is. “Chris?” he asks. His voice is hoarse from screaming for Bobby earlier.
“At Jeremy’s,” Eddie says. “I called his moms earlier and asked if he could spend the night.”
He’d slipped away after the first hour of Bobby’s surgery to make the arrangements. He’d already planned on dragging Buck home with him, but he hadn’t wanted Buck to feel like he needed to keep it together for Chris if Bobby…
Buck nods, and then finishes his water. Eddie quickly downs his own glass and plucks Buck’s out of his loose grip, depositing them both in the sink.
“Come on,” Eddie says gently. “Let’s go to bed, grab a couple hours of sleep, and then we can be at the hospital bright and early. Athena can’t turn us away if we bring breakfast.”
He offers Buck a smile, which Buck half-heartedly returns. But he seems a little less lost now that Eddie’s promised to take him back to the hospital – back to Bobby – in the morning. Eddie wonders how he can casually offer for Buck to sleep in his bed tonight. He doesn’t particularly relish the idea of Buck spending the night alone on the couch, and, maybe a little selfishly, Eddie wants the company too. He’s been trying to hold it together for Buck’s sake – he’s good at that, being strong for others when he needs to be – but that doesn’t mean that seeing Bobby unconscious and bleeding on the stretcher hadn’t shaken him to his core.
Eddie steps around Buck and heads for the hallway. “Do you –?”
“Can I join you?” Buck interrupts. “I just… I just don’t want to be alone tonight.”
You never have to ask, Eddie wants to say, and then he takes in the image of Buck before him: he’s small, hunched in on himself, lower lip caught between his teeth, already half-turned away like he’s expecting Eddie to reject him, even though Buck only beat Eddie’s offer to share the bed by a couple of seconds.
Eddie quickly closes the distance between them and folds Buck into his arms. “If you think I’m letting you sleep on the couch after today, you’re insane.”
Buck laughs into his neck, a little wetly. “Sorry. I’m just really tired.”
“Let’s go to bed, then.”
They take turns in the bathroom. When Eddie comes back into his room and sees Buck dressed in a pair of his old gym shorts and a threadbare t-shirt, something settles inside Eddie’s chest. It’s not how he wanted this to happen, but he can’t deny that having Buck here, in his bedroom, in his clothes, feels right in a way that he’s tired of ignoring.
Eddie crawls under the covers first. He expects Buck to follow suit, but when he’s settled on his back, he sees Buck still hovering awkwardly beside the bed, like he’s not sure he’s actually allowed.
“Buck, come on,” Eddie beckons him softly, lifting the sheets up.
Buck slowly climbs into the bed, settling on his side so he’s facing Eddie. Rolling over to mirror his position, Eddie can see that Buck’s eyes are wet, even in the darkness of the bedroom.
“C’mere,” Eddie says, opening his arms.
Buck chokes on a whimper, but doesn’t hesitate before burrowing into Eddie’s chest. Eddie holds him tightly as he shakes, tilting his head down to press his lips to Buck’s hair.
“It’s okay,” he whispers. “I’m right here, I’ve got you.”
Buck lets out a trembling breath. Then he tips his chin up and covers Eddie’s mouth with his own.
Eddie freezes for half a second before he instinctively starts kissing back. Buck’s mouth is soft and warm, the feeling better than anything Eddie’s imagined. And oh how he’s imagined – for weeks, trying to figure out how to gauge if kissing might be something that Buck wants too.
Then Eddie’s brain catches up to what’s happening.
Buck is seeking comfort and reassurance, and Eddie would do anything to grant him that, but he doesn’t want this to be only because Buck is worried about Bobby.
He disconnects their lips, as much as it pains him to do so. “Buck –”
Buck’s face falls. “Sorry,” Buck chokes out. “No, obviously, you don’t want – I don’t know what I was even thinking –”
He starts rolling away and fumbling with the sheets, like he’s going to get out of bed and exile himself to the couch. Eddie’s heart clenches for having inadvertently hurt Buck, even if he knows this is the right call. His hand shoots out to get a grip on Buck’s shoulder and reel him back in.
“Of course I want this,” Eddie says earnestly. Buck looks guarded, but he’s stopped actively trying to escape, at least. “I want you. But not – It’s late and we’re tired and I want to do it properly. Start us properly.”
“Us?” Buck repeats quietly.
“Yes, us.” Eddie manhandles Buck on to his side so Eddie can curl up behind him. “We’ll talk about it in the morning, okay?”
“Okay,” Buck agrees, his voice a relieved exhale.
He snuggles back against Eddie, and Eddie can’t help but press a kiss to the back of Buck’s neck. Buck sighs contentedly as he covers Eddie’s hand on his chest with his own, threading their fingers together.
“It’s going to be okay,” Eddie whispers against his skin. He can’t make any promises, but he knows: they’re together now, whatever happens. They’ll hold each other through it.
“Okay,” Buck says again, and then brings their joined hands up and kisses Eddie’s knuckles. “Thank you.”
I love you, Eddie thinks. He’ll say those words soon, but not tonight. Instead, he rests his forehead against the nape of Buck’s neck. “Any time.”
What he really means is every time, all the time, for the rest of our lives. From the way Buck melts back against him, Eddie thinks he might be able to hear those words anyway.