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Blood. Blood ran down Akutagawas face, gushing out of his nose. His arms were bruised and so were his legs. He trembled but planted his feet into the soil. His breathing was shallow, but he kept on. Rashoumon sending her tendrils towards Atsushi. Akutagawa tried and failed to control his breathing, his lungs just couldn’t take it.
Red coated the flowers that bloomed beneath him. Atsushi dodged the tendrils with ease, now memorizing Akutagawas fighting pattern. A punch sent straight towards Akutagawas stomach. A punch too familiar, too similar. Akutagawa was sent flying back into some rubble, his back hitting the sharply edged rocks.
Akutagawa stumbled trying to help himself up, failing and falling down again. He tasted the metallic flavour of defeat, his body shaking. Akutagawa has felt every inch of defeat in his body, in every way you could experience it, he has already felt it. But no, this was a new ending.
“Akutagawa!” A voice rang through Akutagawas thoughts. A white figure heading towards his way, or was it black, he couldn’t tell but fear hit him like a truck. Was he angry or just dissatisfied?
A hand came down, attempting to grasp Akutagawas hand in an attempt to pull him back up. Atsushi pulled Akutagawa up and into a hug, holding him in his arms. Akutagawa turned red and pushed him off, he went into a heavy coughing fit. Blood sprayed onto the pebbles beneath him as Atsushi rubbed his back.
“Im sorry, I didnt mean to go that far. It’s my fault, please dont blame yourself.” Atsushi reasoned, but it was his fault. It was his fault he couldnt hold himself up. It was his fault rashoumon couldnt support him. And it was his fault he was defeated.
That’s exactly what Dazai-san wouldve said if he saw this disgusting scene. He wouldve scoffed and walked away, so that’s what Akutagawa did.
He left Atsushi there, full of guilt. Love in his eyes, wishing he would turn back and let Atsushi help him. Let him hold him for more than two seconds, to let him know that he didnt want to fight. Just to let him know that Atsushi will always be there as his backbone, to pull him back up again, to bring him back.
Akutagawa limped back home, clutching his side while hissing in pain. It was sort of nostalgic, ever since he could remember he was always hurt in some sort of way. Whether emotional or physically, walking down the same road each time. The road of shame. His thoughts all focused on what Dazai-san would think. What would he think if his ex-subordinate had to limp home because he couldn’t carry himsef up, he couldnt defend himself against Jinko?
Akutagawa could never understand Jinko, everytime Akutagawa would start a fight he would always accept him back with loving arms. Akutagawa couldn’t wrap his head around it. Even with Atsushi, Akutagawa will never be able to get rid of the hateful words Dazai spoke in his mind. Dazai will always be there to peer down on Akutagawa, always will be able to make him feel small.
Akutagawa sat on his couch, bandages and antibiotics displayed on his coffee table. He grabbed the disinfectant ointment, applying it to a clean white rag. He groaned in pain as he disinfected his injuries, shutting his eyes and jaw. His side throbbed in pain as his shaky hands reached for the bandages. Akutagawa feeling almost guilty for putting them on as they were Dazais famous accessory.
Wrapping the soft material around his arms, thighs, and torso. He looked him the mirror and saw a sight he couldn’t bare to see. It was uncomfortable on how well he preserved Dazais old look in his mind. He could almost see Dazai in the mirror, his eyes were almost hypnotic. Staring down onto Akutagawa knowing that he could never run from the burden he carries everyday.
Akutagawa held his head in his hands, sitting at the edge of his tub. He was taught to never cry so no tears fell. He let out a deep sigh and got right back up, glancing back at the mirror and seeing Dazai once again. Staring at him, he groaned as he started to clean up his coffee table and putting everything back into it’s organized place.
There was a knock at the door, and Akutagawa dragged himself towards the door to see the man he just saw in his mirror. It was him but not the him that Akutagawa pictures in his head.
“I heard you lost the fight. I expected more of you, Ryuunosuke.” Dazai towered over him, those hypnotic eyes staring down into his. Akutagawa straightened his posture and felt like a little kid again.
“Dazai-san, I apologize.” Akutagawa said as he shook, eyes looking down and avoiding eye contact. He held his hands behind his back as a sign of respect.
“Akutagawa? What are you apologizing for?” Dazai chuckled look at Akutagawa. “Atsushi told me he pretty much beat you down, I came to check if you were okay. Atsushi was too worried to come out here.” The illusion finally wore off.