Chapter Text
Years later, Shin stood firm on the soils of an unknown planet in an unknown galaxy. Her gloved hand tightly gripped the ignited vermillion lightsaber that hung at her side. At her feet, the corpses of remnant stormtroopers and their mismatched armor littered the ground. The world around her was both silent and loud at the same time as she looked in despair at her surroundings. Motorized huts of the Noti. A clouded sky. Carbon scoring on every hut, a cowering native within each of them. The woman, Sabine Wren, and her shortly chopped, awfully purple hair. Her eyes traveled to the chipped polish of her nails attached to fingers that gripped both lightsaber and blaster. Ezra Bridger, as they called him, looked as if he hadn’t showered in years and with a head of hair more wild than her own. Lastly, the outstretched hand of an old Togruta master.
“I can help you.” The Jedi said plainly.
Shin had been chasing Ahsoka for so long, it pained her even more to finally be the one caught in a corner. She looked again at the two at either of her sides. The words spoken by Ahsoka echoed through her head, pulling her back to reality. Shin finally noticed the sharp decrescendo of ship engines as the remnant transports left without her.
Her eyes returned to the hand. She wanted to take it. She wanted to join them. She wanted to belong. She swallowed hard as every muscle in her body tensed in resistance. Not against the Force, not against Ahsoka, but against herself. In an instant, she denied herself something that she’d truly wanted for so long, almost as long as she could remember. She quaked with the decision and fought the urge to cry.
With a zip, her saber retracted, and she turned and ran. Sabine lunged forward to give chase, but Ahsoka motioned her back. The trio watched as Shin mounted the howler she’d taken as her own and rode into the horizon. Into nothing.
The Howler huffed and puffed, running in whatever direction it pleased. Shin held tightly to the reins secured around its head but did nothing to control it. Her focus was lost as her mind wandered and scrambled to make sense of things. Tears stung at her eyes, no matter how hard she pushed them back. Emotion, she’d always been taught, was to be used as a tool…she blamed her tears on the wind.
‘One parting lesson… ’ she recalled Baylan saying. The rest she still remembered clearly, but that first string of words that came from her master’s mouth… surely he didn’t mean that? She paid no attention to the alien world around her, and the Howler continued to run wildly. Falling further into the black hole of her own thought and memory, Shin continued to deny the reality that unfolded only moments ago. She was alone.
Failure was nothing new in Shin’s life, and it definitely was not in her relationship with Baylan Skoll. Her training was rigorous, sometimes brutal. Despite his peaceful presentation and wise demeanor, Baylan proved to be rather ruthless in his teachings. With his intentions appearing pure in creating a Force wielder free of the confines of the light or dark, he did as he pleased. Failure was met with scolding and mental bombardment. Occasionally even retaliation in the physical sense. Shin’s body ached remembering her later years of lightsaber training. Every missed swing, misplaced foot, or poor decision was met with the strike of a stick. Wood, plastoid, metal…the material relied on her experience. She felt them all.
She shook her head, throwing away the unpleasant thoughts of her Master’s presence in her life, and fell on what few peaceful memories she had with him. The few quiet moments they had, like building her lightsaber, sewing tears and imperfections in her clothes, dying her hair…she missed them, however long ago they were. The happiness she experienced was a happiness she chased, and craved. Her anger and outbursts reflected this as she lashed out when “doing her duty” as Baylan would put it.
None of that mattered now. Her worries needed to be on shelter and survival, rather than her emotions. The man she’d so quickly nursed hatred for snaked his way back to a positive light as she remembered his lessons. A tool . She harnessed her fear, anger, and sadness, all toward finding somewhere to stay. The day was coming to an end and her time was short. She raised a hand to wipe away the increasing number of tears in her eyes and returned her hands to the reins of her Howler. Shin regained control and scanned the environment. Nothing but hills and jagged rocks separated by stretches of black soil and desaturated grasses and weeds. The land looked as desolate as she felt. She had begun to lose hope, but then she found it:
A canyon. Nothing to build a home in, but enough to settle and make it through the night. With a tug, Shin directed the pale Howler towards the canyon and rode fast, just as the sun began to set. Once she reached the canyon, she used the last of the day’s light to gather anything and everything she could to build a makeshift shelter. Rocks, mostly. So many rocks. After a basic shelter was made beneath a small overhang, she pulled and tore at the grass and moss that lined the walls of the canyon, and placed it into the center of a stone ring. Her timing was perfect, and she began to shiver. Night had fallen, and the temperature with it.
With shaking hands, Shin unhooked her lightsaber from her belt and slid her thumb up the ignition switch.. Looking at the vermillion blade again, she lost herself in it, once more seeing the face of her Master in the glow of the light. He would be so disappointed , she thought. Not only had she failed her task, but she’d run away like a coward. Only to end up in a canyon where she’ll probably freeze to death. If that doesn’t kill her, the lack of food will surely do it. Shin didn’t want to think about what was outside of the canyon. So she didn’t. She thought about her Master again.
Surely he didn’t really mean what he said . One parting lesson …
In her training, Baylan constantly told her that it was coming to an end. It felt like he had been saying it for years. From the start of this partnership with the Witch, something about it felt so…final. Despite her history, Baylan always brought Shin back. When he told her to leave and not return without having completed her tasks, he never turned her away when she came back empty-handed. So many lonely voyages to parts of the Galaxy unknown to her, sent looking for some old texts, relics, or monuments. Every now and then they would take on mercenary work for pirates, smugglers, and anyone who had enough credits to burn, and an unwillingness to do things themselves. Always moving, always training…always failing. But every time, Shin came back and Baylan let her. This time, Baylan was the one to leave. And not the one to come back.
A violent chill rolled through her body as she sat, still staring at her lightsaber. Shin shook her head, both out of an involuntary reaction and as an effort to snap herself out of the trance she’d gotten lost in. Refocused, she lowered the blade to the mass of grass and ignited it. It burned quickly- this wouldn’t last the night. For a few hours, she could continue to feed it, but when would she sleep? That was immediately out of the question.
Shin turned to her Howler, which had already found itself a spot to lie in. Its thick coat of fur shielded it from the wind and bite of the cold air. If it came to it, maybe she could…
Shin glanced down at her lightsaber, thinking about what her desperation might drive her to.
No.
She quickly attached the lightsaber to her hip and removed her gloves. She shook her hands, and frantically rubbed them together as she tried to get the blood circulating again. She then held them to the fire, almost tempted to plunge them into it. When the fire finally died, she quickly re-gloved her hands. This wasn’t going to work.
She rose from her crouched state and wrapped herself tightly in her cloak. The cloak was thick, but not thick enough. It blocked the wind, and warmed her a little, though it wouldn’t last. Once again, she turned to the Howler. It watched her with sleepy eyes, undisturbed by the night that was eating away at her. Desperate, she approached it. Its eyes opened fully, and its head raised. Not in defense or as a show of superiority, but in curiosity. Shin stepped closer and closer to the beast, slowly raising her hand. Once she was close enough, it raised its nose to her palm to sniff and recognize her scent. It positioned its head beneath her hand, inviting her to pet.
Shin had always wanted a pet. The countless stations and cities that Baylan took her through always acted host to happy families and children with pets of their own. She never knew her birthday, so she chose her own. It was the day she’d built her lightsaber. She was seven. Baylan never celebrated it or even recognized it aside from a brief mention of Shin’s growing age. He felt that making an event out of a person’s birth was outside of their code, and boosted ego. They did, however, recognize Life Day. The Wookiee holiday was an opportunity to celebrate life and family, and one of the only times that Baylan went out of his way to show affection for Shin. Beyond affirmations as she trained, that is. For several Life Days, she asked Baylan for a pet but was never lucky enough. Instead, he offered her small gestures of mentorship and near-fatherhood in the form of gifts and she did the same. Every Life Day, Shin would carve animals from–
Her mind was drifting again. Her bones began to ache as the cold crept closer and closer to her very soul. Shin had unconsciously been scratching behind the Howler’s ears. It had no intention of harming Shin, and every intention to be her friend. Its mouth dropped open, and its tongue hung out, happy to finally feel her touch. She couldn’t help but smile at the animal’s innocent soul and leaned down to get closer to its face. A wave of warmth washed over Shin as the Howler’s infectious joy seeped past her cold demeanor. Shin was happy.
“At least we have each other, right?” She spoke to the creature as if it was her friend. A first. Animals were the only ones that seemed to like her, although she didn’t mind. The Howler was eager to let her lay with it. Shin carefully stepped over the large animal’s legs and tail, and found herself a place next to its head, and close to its chest. It welcomed her with a big, wet lick across her cheek. She couldn’t help but laugh.
Shin reached up to pet the Howler’s head again and scratched under its chin. She was already warm and laid her head down against the big fluffy legs beneath her. Her smile faded as she looked out at the night sky…somehow void of stars. All she could see was the ring of Purgill bones and half-decayed corpses that were lit by the system’s star. The Purgill came here to die. Maybe she’s done the same.
Shin did not sleep that night. Her mind raced at a pace too fast for her to keep up with, and she had no choice but to let it continue its marathon. The same thoughts, over and over, eating away at the very matter of her brain and closing around her heart like a fist. At last, Shin felt fear, exhausting everything else. As the night crawled on, she assessed her situation.
The canyon was no place to stay, so moving on was her first thought. With the planet being completely unknown to her and the people she’d crossed endless stars with to get here with, she weighed the options she knew she had already. If Thrawn and his army really had left, maybe his old fortress would work. Big. Empty. Lonely.
She thought back to the Raiders that she and Baylan had worked with to find Sabine and the Noti. Their willingness to work with the mercenaries made Shin believe that maybe she could take her place with them. With the Raiders not being Force-sensitive and less advanced than her, Shin began to believe she could take the place of their leader. With her lightsaber and gift of the Force, who would be able to oppose her? She’d been taught that her desire for power was nothing to deny herself of, therefore this was her best option. The next morning, Shin and her Howler would return to the Raiders and cement themselves in their community. Willingly or by force, that was up to them.
But she found her thoughts returning to the Jedi she’d been sent to kill. Ezra Bridger, Ahsoka Tano… and Sabine Wren. The image of her face had been seared into her mind like a scar ever since that night on Lothal. She held the Star Map in her hand, relishing in her small victory, but Sabine’s arrival stole her away. No attachments , Baylan had taught. Whether established in the texts of Jedi and Sith or not, it was what her Master believed and what he had passed down to Shin. Admiration, attraction, and least of all love had no place in her. Shin had convinced herself of that. She had every opportunity to kill Sabine, yet for some reason, she didn’t.
She continued to force herself to believe these things- Baylan made sure of that. Once they reached Seatos and Shin encountered Sabine again, she lashed out against her own feelings. You cannot grow feelings, but you can be stronger. Sabine was, truly, weaker in the Force. Shin recalled probing her mind and finding very little there. Nothing more than enhanced intuition and the potential to lightly shove things around. There was a sliver of truth in the harsh words she spat at Sabine.
You have no power. Those four words brought out the best in her. She’s better, she’s stronger. Sabine is miniscule. Insignificant. Shin’s conflict within her own mind ceased, finding herself on the losing side during their journey to Peridia. The long flight through hyperspace only allowed her to sit in the company of Sabine for longer. On the Witch’s ship, the two caught themselves staring at each other. In an instant, all of Shin’s work had vanished. A wave of new, undiscovered feelings swept into her heart, something she hadn’t ever felt. Simply Sabine’s presence was enough to raise Shin’s pulse, and any look she gave made Shin feel a bit weaker than before. Her face would flush, her hands would roughly grip the nearest object, and she’d stumble over her words like a small child. Even when separated, Shin couldn’t help but think about Sabine as she fell asleep. Two nights, they spent in that ship rocketing towards the unknown. For two nights, Shin dreamed of Sabine. Despite everything, despite every flaw she possessed, there was something about her that drove Shin crazy. She had pleasant features, she had heart, and she was as irritating as they come, but there was something else. But as soon as Shin started getting somewhere, dawn had swiftly arrived.
The sun began to rise, and the temperature too. She was just warm enough to leave her Howler’s embrace, standing to collect her thoughts. Shin would live another day, but she wasn’t as confident about another night.
I can help you .
Ahsoka’s words echoed through her head again. The rogue Jedi had a willingness to accept her, despite their short but contentious history. Perhaps she could fill that void that Baylan had left. And if she couldn’t fill it, she could surely patch it. For the first time since she fled, Shin wasn’t wondering where her old Master was. Instead, she thought about what life would be like with Ahsoka, her friend Ezra, and Sabine. Sabine again. Sabine as she’d thought of for nearly a week now. Even when she thought her mind had stilled, the thought of the Mandalorian lurked. For the remainder of the day, Shin thought. She didn’t know Ahsoka and wasn’t sure if she was the kind of person to lie about those kinds of things. Maybe Ahsoka just wanted to lure her in. Kill Shin and protect her friends from the wolf that she had become. Hungry, aggressive, capable of great harm, and without a pack.
Night quickly began to fall once more. Shin had lost herself in contemplation for hours and hours, wandering aimlessly with her Howler. Now was the time to make a decision, to perhaps give in to those gentle whispers that she’d been taught for so long to ignore. It was those very teachings that made Shin believe that this was some sort of divine sign from the Maker, no matter how terrible it seemed. Her ambitions drove her to power within a new Empire, one that fled at the first show of resistance to their control. If her future was cowardice, like it had already begun to seem, that change was something that she needed.
Gathering what little belongings she had, Shin mounted her Howler again and made haste in the opposite direction that she’d run in. She had no idea where Sabine might be, much less the Noti tribe she was most likely traveling with. She only hoped that they would be together.
Her fear found itself slipping away as she rode toward this second chance she was leaping to take. Shin didn’t know what to expect when she found Ahsoka. Maybe the offered hand was just a way for the fighting to stop. Maybe they would kill her on sight. Maybe they would turn her away. But maybe, just maybe…they would welcome her.