Work Text:
Castin' my spell on you
A siren named Amanda sits in front of a mirror in her home somewhere under the Caribbean Sea, arranging her hair around her shoulders. Today is her first day at work, and she is both excited and anxious.
She repeats the words of the spell in her head. It's not like she hasn't learned them all her life, but right now she feels like she can barely spell her name. It doesn't help that the words are in ancient Sirenese, not English. Some stupid tradition, the way they were taught. And even though she's practised, she's just not used to using her voice.
I was born to do this, Amanda tells the mirror and turns to leave.
On her way out, her best friend and neighbour, Lilly, waves and signs with her webbed hands: Ready, love?
Amanda gestures as if she were about to faint, and Lilly laughs softly, baring her teeth.
You can do it! She signs with a supportive smile and then gives a thumbs up.
Thanks, sis! Amanda replies and they hug briefly before parting.
You got this, Amanda repeats to herself.
*
Amanda is very frustrated. She had a ship in her sights, but lost it when she collided with a shark. She was so focused on the ship that she didn't even see it coming. After a brief confrontation in which she flips off the shark and it chases her for a while, she ends up swimming aimlessly just below the surface, trying to find the ship again, or any ship for that matter. If she goes home empty-handed, she will never live it down.
Amanda curses in her head and flicks her tail aggressively. God damn it.
And then, as if Poseidon himself had heard her and had had enough of her shit, a ship appears. Amanda pumps her arm with a silent yes!
When she gets close enough, she breaks the surface and looks up at the ship towering over her.
Big, but not massive, looking rather new, not yet weathered. And, oh, there is a unicorn as a figurehead. Amanda rolls her eyes. Amateurs. Should be easy.
Amanda scans the railing, but there's no sign of anyone. Probably asleep, considering it's night. Her spell should work on unconscious people, but it always works better on someone who is actually paying attention. Amanda continues to watch the ship, and finally she sees a live one. A blonde guy, so well dressed he makes Amanda snort, is standing on the small balcony at the bow. Bingo, Amanda smiles and circles the ship to get a better look at the guy.
He doesn't see her at first, obviously lost in his own thoughts, but as soon as Amanda starts singing, he jerks his head around, trying to locate where the sound is coming from. Amanda is giddy with joy. It's working! She is going to catch her first human! Soon he'll jump into the sea and drown, and his crew will hopefully follow as soon as they wake up and their subconscious kicks in.
The man exclaims "Oh wow!" when he sees her and leans against the railing to listen. He looks so excited that Amanda feels sorry for him. No, no, no pity for the dicks who pollute our seas.
So Amanda sings, and for a while she is very pleased with herself. But the feeling fades when she finishes the song and the guy just stands there.
"Well done!" the idiot claps now, as if he was in the bloody opera or something. Amanda is at a loss for words. She just stares, wondering what went wrong.
"You have a great voice, Miss Mermaid," the guy tells her now, and Amanda loses her mind.
"I'm a siren, you dickhead!" she screams and dives underwater. She swims away as fast as she can, angry and embarrassed.
Fuck! she screams silently.
*
When Amanda gets home, she's frustrated and angry with herself and the blond guy who can't tell the difference between a mermaid and a siren. What an asshole.
She flops down on the seaweed bed and throws her arms over her face.
A few minutes later she felt the water move and there was Lilly in the doorway. Amanda looks at her and sighs.
Is it that bad? Lilly asks, looking sad for her.
I don't know what happened! Amanda replies, throwing her hands up in the air. Lilly glides over and sits down next to her.
Did you get the words right?
Yes, I think so, Amanda shrugs and shakes her head. I don't know!
Well, tell me exactly what you sang, we'll get to the bottom of it, Lilly smiles and encourages her to sing so she can read her lips. So Amanda does just that and when she gets to the second verse, Lilly stops her abruptly. She signs back to make sure she has understood correctly, which Amanda confirms.
Oh darling, Lilly smiles knowingly, you didn't sing 'all of you pledge your love to me', you sang 'all will pledge love to you'.
Amanda just stares at her for a second and then opens her mouth in a silent scream.
Fuck!
*
Ed is standing on the railing looking out over the sea. It's a beautiful clear day, the water is calm and there are no ships or land in sight. A perfect day to just hang out and relax. It makes him restless. Izzy is bossing the crew around, they mostly ignore him and the seagulls screech overhead.
"Good morning, Ed," Stede appears at his side, holding two teacups. He's dressed in his pale red robe and smiles with his dimples. The damn dimples that Ed wants to lick, not that he would admit it. He accepts his teacup with a steady hand.
"Hello, mate," Ed says casually, leaning back against the railing.
"What a nice day," Stede says, sipping his tea.
"Yeah, it's fucking disgusting," Ed sighs and watches as Stede almost chokes on his tea.
"Say, do you have any plans?" Stede asks instead of commenting.
"Nah. We could do some sword training if you like? Doesn't look like we're going to meet any ships today."
"I'd be delighted!" Stede beams. He drinks some more, then leans forward and says in a conspiratorial voice: "You'll never guess what I saw yesterday."
"Oh?" Ed just raises his eyebrows. Knowing Stede, it would be some fancy fish he had never heard of.
"A mermaid," Stede almost whispers.
"A mermaid?" Ed repeats incredulously. "No way, mate. They don't exist."
"Well, actually it was a siren, as she informed me," Stede corrects himself. "And they do exist."
"'Ok, I'll bite," Ed puts down his teacup and crosses his arms over his chest. "You spoke to her?"
"Not exactly," Stede admits, "I complimented her on her singing and she shouted that she wasn't a mermaid but, and I quote, 'a siren, you dickhead!'"
Ed collapses, laughing hysterically. Stede can't help but grin, too.
"A fucking siren flipped you off?" Ed looks at him and wipes the tears from his eyes. "Mate, I'm so jealous."
That, of course, makes Stede smile.
Their laughter is interrupted by Roach, who comes over with a tray full of cakes and whatnot. He smiles in a way that makes Ed instantly suspicious.
"Captain," Roach greets Stede and doesn't even acknowledge Ed. Ed frowns, because he knows that this bunch is only half afraid of him, but this seems downright disrespectful. "I baked you some cakes for breakfast, I hope you like them."
"Oh wonderful, thank you, Roach," Stede takes the tray from him, ignoring both Roach's creepy smile and Ed's frown.
"Yes, thanks and get lost," Ed orders and Roach finally looks at him, glaring. Glaring. Roach huffs and walks away.
"Huh," Ed wonders aloud.
"What?" Stede looks at him, already biting into a cake.
"Nothing," Ed shakes his head and takes a small piece of cake from the tray. They eat in silence. Just as Ed is about to ask more about the siren Stede claims to have seen, Oluwande comes by.
"You look really nice today, Captain," he tells Stede, and is he blushing? Ed must be losing his mind. Has Roach put drugs in the food? Is that what's happening here?
Stede, oblivious as a lamb led to slaughter, just beams and thanks him. Ed looks around, feeling like a wild man, because this is some serious Twilight Zone shit. He's not even sure what it means, but the phrase sounds good in his head.
"Stede," he says cautiously, still watching the crew around him.
"Yes, Ed?" Stede replies in a blissfully unaware voice. His eyebrows rise in anticipation.
"I don't know what's going on, but everyone's looking at you."
"Well, it's about time they started looking up to me -"
"No, they're not looking up to you," Ed corrects him and Stede pouts, "they're looking at you. All of them."
"What?" Stede scrunches his face and looks around as well. "Oh, they are. That's quite creepy," he wrinkles his nose and then adds with a slight shock: "Oh no, do you think they're planning another mutiny?"
Ed makes a mental note to ask him about the first one later. "No, mate, they look like they want to eat you. In a non-cannibalistic way."
"Nonsense!" Stede shakes his head, but looks around suspiciously.
Before they can discuss it further, Lucius appears in front of them. Like everyone else, his eyes are fixed on Stede and he smiles without a trace of irony. Ed shudders.
"Captain," he addresses Stede, and yes, this is definitely his flirtatious voice. Ed clears his throat and glares, causing Lucius to look over quickly, but then he goes back to staring at Stede. Staring at him like he invented Christmas and blowjobs.
"Captain, I was wondering if you wanted to catch up on your diary," he says in a syrupy, sultry voice, batting his eyelashes. "We could go somewhere more private and you could dictate to me."
The way he says it suggests that the word "dictate" means something completely different.
The way Stede gapes, he is finally getting the point. Ed steps in front of him and looks Lucius dead in the eye: "How's Pete today, mate?"
"Oh my God, Pete," Lucius blanches, as if he'd completely forgotten his existence. He quickly turns and scurries off.
"What the fuck?" Stede shrieks.
"Let's put some distance between us and the crazy," Ed turns to him and steers him gently towards the stairs. They go up to stand at the wheel.
Everyone is still looking at them, well, at Stede, and if Ed had the 20th century pop culture references at his disposal, he'd be thinking of The Birds.
"Ed, what's going on?" Stede hisses in a deep voice.
"I don't know, mate, ask your fucking siren girlfriend," Ed replies annoyed, because how the hell should he know. All he knows is that everyone is in love with Stede and it's not fair, he was here first. Get in a fucking queue, you creeps.
"The siren!" Stede yells in realisation. "She must have done something!"
"Right," Ed nods, because it might actually be the best explanation. Or maybe only one, all things considered.
"Could be," the voice behind them answers and they both jump.
"Jeez!"
"Fucking hell!"
It's Mr Buttons, of course, standing a little too close to Stede, who takes a step back. As Mr Buttons tries to follow, Ed puts a hand in front of him, stopping him mid-step. But his eyes, wide open, are still on Stede.
"Ah, Mr Buttons," Stede mutters, obviously relieved that Ed has intervened. "You might actually know something about this. Could a siren cast a spell on me?"
"They usually force men to drown, but I suppose they could put a spell on ye too," Mr Buttons replies matter-of-factly, as if the siren talk were nothing unusual. It probably isn't to him.
"But why would she do that? And why a love spell?" Stede frowns.
Mr Buttons shrugs: "Cannae say. They are fickle creatures."
"You insulted them, you know," Ed remembers, nodding knowingly.
"No, I didn't," Stede dismisses the idea angrily.
"Then why did she call you an idiot?" Ed argues.
"Well, I'm sorry if I can't tell a mermaid from a siren on a dark night on a bloody moving ship."
"Captain," Mr Buttons interrupts again. Their heads whip around to look at him again. "I yearn to make sweet love -"
"Enough, Buttons!" Ed shouts before Stede can, then orders Mr Buttons to turn away and stand in the corner. He is reluctant, but when Stede orders him with a wave of his hand, he goes.
"This is a fucking nightmare," Ed sighs, running his hand over his face.
"Excuse me? It's a fucking nightmare for me," Stede corrects him, and if he isn't being bitchy today. But Ed can't really blame him - he wouldn't want creeps like Buttons hitting on him.
"Oh come on, I'm sure you're enjoying it at least a little bit," Ed accuses him, because it's certainly no fun for him to shoo flirting people away from Stede.
"Well," Stede seems to think, looking down at his crew. Ed follows his gaze and sees Wee John blowing Stede a kiss. "Not really."
"Yeah, sorry," Ed winces and looks away.
"So what do we do?" Stede asks with a desperate sigh.
"Hey, Buttons," Ed shouts from behind Mr Buttons. "Do these curses run their course on their own?"
"Could be," Mr Buttons shrugs.
"Oh great," Ed rolls his eyes. He takes a deep breath and tries to think of something actually useful. "I think our best course of action is to find some land, give the crew a day off and we can wait it out on the ship."
"Sounds like a plan," Stede nods, then tilts his head to the side. "How come you're not actually affected by the spell?"
Well, fuck. Ed shifts uncomfortably, but summons up all the confidence he can.
"Well, I'm motherfucking Blackbeard, I don't do spells."
"Right," Stede nods and continues to look at him funny, but doesn't say anything else.
Ed pulls himself together and shouts at Mr Buttons to head for the nearest land. As Mr Buttons turns on his heel to do just that, Ed gently takes Stede's elbow and leads him down the stairs. When Stede starts to walk, he quickly lets go.
On the main deck, Izzy comes up to them and looks at Ed, obviously ignoring Stede as best he can. He is sweating profusely.
"What the hell's going on, Edward?" he hisses through his teeth.
"A siren put a love spell on the crew and everyone is in love with Stede," Ed replies with more enjoyment than he ought to.
"Fuck no," is all Izzy says as he makes his way to one of the spare dinghies. He lowers it so quickly that Ed can almost see smoke coming from between his leather gloves and the rope.
"Poor bastard," Ed shakes his head in amusement as he watches Izzy swing his leg over the railing.
"Oh thank God," Stede breathes out in relief, "I couldn't handle Izzy being in love with me."
"Nobody could," Ed agrees with a chuckle. God, he knows it's no fun to be loved by Izzy Hands.
"We should go to your cabin," he adds as he notices Fang giggling and slowly approaching, and Jim twirling a lock of their hair in one hand and a knife in the other.
"Good idea," Stede agrees and quickly walks through a door. Ed closes it behind them and slides a chair under the doorknob.
Once they're in the cabin, he locks the door as well. He's sure the lovesick bastards will try to follow anyway.
"What a fucking mess," Stede says and sits down on a sofa. He puts his head in his hands, elbows on his knees.
"Yeah, fuck the siren," Ed agrees and goes to pour them some brandy. When he sits down next to Stede, he nudges him gently with his elbow. "Hey, it could be worse. You could be under the spell too."
"Oh God," Stede groans and lifts his head. He looks defeated and lost, stares at the wall opposite him and sighs deeply.
"Come on," Ed offers him some brandy and Stede finally notices and takes it with silent thanks.
They both take a sip and sit in silence for a while. Stede now looks down at his glass, slowly swirling the liquid around.
"What's wrong?" Ed tries to talk to him. Normally Stede doesn't need an incentive to talk, but now he looks so troubled.
Stede snorts in a very un-gentlemanly way. "You mean besides everything?"
"Yes, besides everything," Ed smiles a little.
He waits for Stede to answer, but he doesn't. Stede throws his head back, looks at the ceiling instead and sighs again.
"It sounds pathetic," he begins, "but, you know, no one has ever been in love with me. It seems that when someone finally does, it's a freaking siren's love spell".
And yes, it breaks Ed's heart a little. He is a bloody Blackbeard, and technically he is supposed to kill Stede - as if he ever really wanted to - but it feels like tiny holes are being poked into his chest.
Without thinking, he reaches out with his free hand and touches Stede's knee, trying to comfort him. Then he remembers that a love spell is spreading like syphilis and pulls it away.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to..." he trails off, looking up worriedly. But Stede is smiling, no sign of worry or panic.
"I know," he confirms quietly, knocking Ed's shoulder with his own. Ed smiles too.
And then the moment is ruined by the sound of a lute outside the door. They both jump up, spilling brandy on the floor and on their knees.
"Oh, Captain Stede, he's just neat, isn't he?" sings Frenchie loudly through the door.
"For fuck's sake," Ed mumbles, setting the glass down on the floor with too much force and standing up, crossing the room in a few long strides.
"Gentleman pirate, aren't you tired, I could help you..."
Ed yanks the door open and snatches the lute from Frenchie's hands. Then he quickly shuts it in his face.
"O Captain! My Captain!" Frenchie shouts and Ed shouts back: "Get lost or I'll throw this in the fucking sea!"
"Getting lost!" Frenchie replies hurriedly, his footsteps echoing down the hall. Ed sighs for what must be the hundredth time today and bangs the lute on Stede's table.
"Be careful, he would be really devastated if you broke it," Stede warns him gently.
"Mate, you're being too nice," Ed tells him angrily. "Don't be fucking nice to people under love spells. They're a fucking time bomb."
"It's not their fault, you know. If anything, it's mine."
"Don't do that to yourself, Stede," Ed shakes his head and sits down beside him. "You can't win the blame game."
"I suppose you're right," Stede agrees after a pause. He takes another sip of his brandy and leans back. "So what are we supposed to do in the meantime?"
They decide to play cards, which Ed soon discovers is the other thing Stede sucks at. But it's fun and he offers to teach him a few tricks.
The next person to approach Stede is Roach.
"I have baked you two cakes! One for you, my sweet Captain, and one for Captain Blackbeard!"
"Oh, that's nice, Roach," Stede looks almost ready to open the door, but Ed puts his hand on his shoulder.
"Are they both poisoned or just mine?" Ed voices his suspicion.
"Ed!" Stede reprimands him.
There is a moment of silence.
"Just yours," Roach reluctantly admits, and Stede gapes in disbelief.
"Roach!"
"I'm sorry, Captain, but that's not fair! He's got you all to himself," Roach whines, scratching at the door.
"I'll shoot you through the keyhole," Ed warns him, drawing his gun even though Roach can't see it.
"Ed," Stede hisses disapprovingly, but Ed is not even aiming, he has no reason to be angry with him.
"Understood," Roach tells them, and they can hear him walking away.
"And take your fucking cakes with you!" Ed shouts at the door.
"Oh yeah, throw away the poisoned one, please! We don't need to deal with that on top of everything else," Stede adds with less force, but loud enough so that Roach doesn't miss it.
"Fucking lunatics, all of them," Ed mutters under his breath. He needs another brandy.
"You called me a lunatic once," Stede reminds him with a tiny smile, "you said you liked it."
"There's a difference between 'oh, let's have a fucking chandelier and a library on the ship' and 'I'm going to poison your... poison someone out of spite'," Ed explains, cursing himself for almost saying the wrong thing. Fucking Austrian old dude slip.
"Yes, that's true," Stede wrinkles his nose.
Later, Lucius starts slipping Stede's drawings under the door and Ed has to threaten to set him on fire.
"Only if Wee John doesn't set you on fire first," Lucius replies hatefully, but eventually leaves. Ed then goes through the drawings, raising an eyebrow at one that is obviously a very exaggerated nude. He can't resist showing it to Stede and teases him: "Did he draw it from memory or does he have a vivid imagination?"
"Oh my God, Ed, that's so wrong," Stede grimaces and blushes at the same time and Ed has to laugh.
Just as Ed is sure that all is quiet, they hear screaming and metal clanking above. Ed rolls his eyes and tells Stede to get behind him. He has to break up a fight between Ivan and Fang, who are arguing about who loves Stede more. After being stabbed in the shoulder by Jim, he confiscates all the weapons and locks them in Stede's auxiliary wardrobe. He also knocks Jim out, which isn't easy and he gets some cuts, and locks them in their room. He hopes they won't retaliate later, but better safe than sorry.
He's also grateful that most of Stede's crew aren't prone to violence, and instead bake and sing for Stede when they're under a love spell. For once, it's a good thing they're useless pirates.
"Buttons, are we approaching land?" he stops at the helm and cleans his wounds with his old handkerchief.
"In an hour or so, Cap'n," Mr Buttons informs him, and thanks fuck a for a bloody break.
*
"Why should we go to the land while you stay here with Stede, all alone?" Frenchie whines as they drop anchor and Ed tells them to kindly fuck off.
"So I can protect him from you," Ed grits his teeth. His shoulder hurts and the image of naked Buttons informing him of their arrival is burned into his mind forever.
"And who's going to protect him from you?" Ivan barks, and Ed doesn't want to deal with him. Not now.
"I don't know if you brain-dead, lovesick idiots have noticed, but I'm not under the fucking love spell," Ed informs them in his meanest voice.
"Sounds like something someone under a love spell would say," Swede jokes and Ed glares at him until he hides behind Wee John.
"That's not fair," grunts Jim, and Oluwande has to hold them back so they don't lunge at Ed barehanded. To prevent this, Ed has tied their arm to Oluwande's, using some tricky knots. They stare at Ed murderously, but Oluwande seems to understand his job.
"Well, you stabbed me, didn't you?" Ed points out. Losing patience, he pulls out his gun, the only weapon above deck. "If you don't start filling the dinghy or swimming, I'll start shooting."
Not many of them seem motivated, although Lucius shuffles towards the railing.
So Ed fires a warning shot and Lucius and Frenchie start to climb down.
The others start to argue again and Ed seriously considers shooting under their feet next. But then he hears Stede's voice behind him:
"All right, crew! You heard Blackbeard. I want you all to have a nice vacation on the beach.
He approaches cautiously and Ed curses inwardly. Next time he will have to lock him up himself.
"But, Captain, my darling - " Wee John starts and Stede silences him. Everyone is hanging on his every word and Ed has to admit that it might be more useful than shooting. Stede Bonnet and his fucking HR skills.
"I promise you all that I'll be all right here and that I'll spend some time with you after we've sorted this out. Maybe I'll read you another nice story."
"One on one?" Black Pete asks hopefully. Stede shudders.
"Sure, whatever. Now go, please, and be a good crew."
And it works like a charm, everyone goes. Jim is still muttering and glaring daggers, and Fang is crying quietly, but no one protests anymore. Ed tries not to look too admiringly at Stede, lest the crew get the wrong idea. Or the right idea.
"This curse could actually be useful," Stede preens a little, his chest puffed out like a giant peacock. Considering his blue suit, he looks the part. "I could get used to it."
"Oh yeah? Look at Wee John," Ed grins and cocks his head in the direction of where Wee John is waiting for his turn to climb down.
"Oh, Jesus! Wee John, stop touching yourself!"
"Sorry, Captain, I can't help it! You look so delicious!"
Ed bends over and laughs hysterically.
"Alright, alright, point taken," Stede mumbles annoyed. It's a tight squeeze with only one dinghy, but eventually all the crew members sail off towards the beach. Stede waves goodbye and Fang sobs loudly. Stede quickly puts his hand down and winces.
They both watch the dinghy patiently until it reaches the shallows and the crew jumps out to pull it along the sand.
Stede clasps his hands behind his back and bounces on the balls of his feet.
"So what are we going to do in our spare time?" he asks cheerfully, relaxing for the first time since they learned about the spell.
Ed looks over at him and grins. "Whatever we want, mate."
*
If you'd told Ed a month ago that he'd be having the time of his life on a ship with a rich white guy without even drinking or having sex, he'd have laughed or shot you. But it turns out that this day might actually be the best of his life.
First they look for food, because they are starving. They pass on the freshly baked bread and the stew bubbling over the stove. Instead, they collect some salted crackers, dried meat, cheese and fresh fruit and take it out on deck, as they are both sick of being locked in Stede's cabin. And of course Stede insists they make a picnic of it, because he's the kind of man who thinks the half-swabbed deck of an empty ship is the ideal place for it. But the day is clear, the sun is no longer scorching, and they are all alone, so it is damn nice. They talk about everything and nothing, and Stede opens a bottle of fancy wine for lunch. And it's easy to forget about the murder plan, Blackbeard, the curse and the crew being fatally in love.
After lunch they play some cards. Sword fighting is out of the question, with Ed's injured shoulder and all, but Ed agrees to teach him a few tricks with a dagger. In return, Stede teaches him how to curtsy and shit, and they have a good laugh about it, because they are mostly taking piss out of each other, not really trying to learn from each other.
Ed has never met anyone he could spend so good, so easy time with.
The rest of the day is spent lying lazily in the sun (Stede tries to get out his tiny parasol, but Ed firmly throws it overboard - "real pirates are tanned, Stede"), talking and laughing, feeding Karl bits of crackers and drinking wine.
As the late afternoon turns to evening and the stars begin to appear, they lie on their backs on deck and gaze at them. Ed is horrified when Stede says he can only name a few constellations ("Stede, even the most brain-dead sailors know their stars, that's the basics!"), so he takes it upon himself to teach him. So he points to various constellations and tells him their names, and Stede repeats each one. He listens intently and Ed enjoys the attentive looks he gives him.
"And that fucker there, that's Cassiopeia," Ed jabs his finger at the sky.
"Cassiopeia," Stede repeats with a more accurate pronunciation than Ed, who looks at him funny. Then he punches him in the shoulder.
"You fucker! You already know everything, don't you?"
Stede grins broadly. "I couldn't help it, you were so keen."
"Oh fuck off," Ed snorts and looks back up, hands clasped over his stomach. "Fucking Cassiopeia. Whatever the fuck that means."
"Well," Stede takes a deep breath and begins to narrate in his storytelling voice, "Cassiopeia was the queen of Aethiopia in ancient times. She was vain and one day she boasted that her daughter Andromeda was more beautiful than the Nereids, the daughters of the sea god Nereus".
"Were they sirens?" Ed is now concentrating on Stede, who is mostly looking at the stars, but occasionally glances at Ed.
"No, not exactly. Nereids were the nymphs, water spirits. But it is said that they could sing beautifully," Stede explains and Ed can't help but nod.
"Of course, Nereus was angry and so was Poseidon, the ruler of the seas himself. He decided to punish Cassiopeia and her people by sending the sea monster Cetus after them. The king and queen were desperate to save their kingdom, so they went to an oracle - "
"What the hell is an oracle?" Ed interrupts.
"Oh, it was like a seer in ancient Greece and Rome," Stede explains, not at all annoyed by the interruption.
"Okay."
"So they asked the oracle what they should do. And it told them that there was only one way to save their kingdom and that was to sacrifice their daughter to the sea gods".
"Fuck, that's dark."
"Yes, the ancient Greek stories often are. Full of sacrifice, murder and rape. Terrible stuff. But also beauty and wisdom," Stede offers with a dreamy face. "Either way. Cassiopeia and the king, Cepheus, try to appease the gods, so they chain Andromeda to a rock by the sea and leave her there to be devoured by the sea monster. However, she is saved by Perseus, who is a great hero and kills the monster. But Poseidon decided that Cassiopeia should be punished after all, so he chained her to a throne and placed her in the sky".
"Well, that's fair, she should have been the one to be eaten by the sea monster in the first place," Ed comments with heat in his voice.
"Yes," Stede agrees, looking wistfully at the sky. "Children often have to suffer for the sins of their parents, don't they?"
Ed feels this deeply. He strokes the silk handkerchief through his jacket and thinks of his father and the sea monsters. The Kraken and the seaside promenade and his own screams, drowned out by the storm. He also wonders whether he feels more like Cetus or Andromeda. Perhaps both. After all, he's the monster sent to kill a beautiful princess (prince) who's innocent, but he also feels like he's been chained to a rock for a long, long time, waiting for some Greek hero to rescue him.
He shakes these thoughts out of his head before he starts to cry.
"You think you have angered the sea gods? I hope you didn't call the siren ugly," he says to lighten the mood.
Stede laughs and puts his arm behind his head.
"I hope not. I called her a mermaid, she seemed offended. Maybe sirens and mermaids don't get along?"
"Who knows, mate," Ed sighs deeply.
After that they just lay there in the comfortable silence of the cooling Caribbean air, the sky above them growing darker and darker. A distant noise comes from the beach, but neither of them bother to check on the crew. Best to leave them alone and hope nobody kills anybody.
Suddenly, a strange female voice calls out from the water, startling them.
"Oi, dickhead!"
They both look at each other at the same time.
"It's her!" Stede whispers excitedly and jumps to his feet. Ed is more cautious and can't believe he's the rational one in this buddy comedy of theirs.
"Stede!"
But Stede is already leaning over the railing. Ed quickly joins him and also looks down.
"Man, she's kind of ugly," murmurs Ed and Stede quickly silences him.
The siren, all smooth, slimy and grey like a shark, complete with sharp teeth and yellow irises, rolls her eyes.
"Yes, because you are both so attractive. Four limbs and pasty skin, eh?" she replies sarcastically.
"I'm not fucking pasty," Ed spits back.
"All right, time out!" Stede interrupts before the siren curses them both to be the crabs or something. "Sorry, Miss Siren!"
"Sorry, Miss Siren," Ed mimics mockingly and Stede kicks his ankle.
"This is Amanda," siren informs Stede.
"Nice to meet you, Amanda," Stede smiles brightly. "I'm Stede, this is Ed."
"Okay, so," Amanda takes a deep breath and claps her hand, "sorry about yesterday. It seems I accidentally cursed you? I meant to hypnotise you and make you drown yourself, but I screwed up. I am sorry. It was my first day at work."
"Oh, that sucks, sorry. It's always hard to start a new job," Stede sympathises.
"Thanks, man," Amanda smiles back.
"Stede, she just admitted she tried to kill you, don't be sorry," Ed points out, fighting the urge to slap Stede on the back of the head.
"It's her job," Stede fucking defends her.
"Yeah, exactly," Amanda glares at Ed. "Anyway, I fucked up, my fault. So I won't drown you and I'll lift the spell and I'd appreciate it if you didn't tell anyone about this. I would never live it down."
"Oh, of course, Amanda, no problem," Stede quickly promises, miming to zip his mouth shut. "Thank you so much. It's been a day."
"I bet. Cool. So here goes..."
"Hey, do you trust her? What if she tries to drown us both?" Ed can't help but interject.
"Little benefit of the doubt, Ed," Stede chides him.
"Yes, Ed," Amanda makes a face.
Ed brushes her off and then puts his fingers in his ears. He may have said he'd be happy to die by mermaids, but nobody said anything about damn sirens.
Then Amanda starts to sing, and Ed can't really hear it through the roaring blood in his ears, but it sounds vaguely nice. Stede smiles and nods his head in time. He doesn't seem to be planning to jump overboard. When the song is over, he starts clapping wildly.
"Thank you, Amanda, that was lovely," says Stede, and of course he means it.
"Thank you, Stede. You're actually an okay person," Amanda points a finger gun at him. And yes, Ed is jealous because Stede fucking Bonnet got a compliment from the siren who doesn't even want to drown him.
"How do we know it worked?" Ed shouts.
"Can't you tell?" she asks incredulously, looking a bit disappointed.
"Oh no, actually Ed wasn't affected by the spell," Stede rushes in to explain. "He's immune."
"No, he's not," Amanda snorts and Ed freezes. "The only way not to be affected by the love spell is to already be in love with the person."
Stede whips his head around so fast he must have hurt his neck. Ed ostentatiously doesn't look at him and grips the railing with his hands.
Amanda looks unperturbed and waves goodbye.
"If it doesn't work out, just call me! I hope you won't!"
And then she disappears under the surface, her tail flicking like a white phantom under the rings in the otherwise smooth water.
"Ed?" Stede says quietly as he turns to face Ed. "Is it true?"
"No, of course not, she's a lying bitch," Ed snaps.
"Why would she do that?"
"I don't know, she's a fucking siren," Ed shrugs, trying to be as nonchalant as possible.
"You know," Stede says slowly, moving just a centimetre closer to Ed, who tries to move but is still frozen, "you know, what would I say if she wasn't lying?"
"What," Ed snaps.
"I'd say, 'Oh, thank God'," Stede tells him, almost in a whisper. Finally, Ed turns his face to him. And Stede looks so honest and open and vulnerable. All the things Ed refuses to be.
"I would say," Stede adds, looking down with a kind of shy determination, "I thought I was the only one.
And Ed, finally able to move again, leans in and grabs Stede's nape, pulling him closer. They kiss, awkwardly because of the odd angle, but by the sea gods, it's perfect.
Stede makes a sound so endearing that Ed has to smile against his lips. He turns more towards Stede and the angle shifts, the kiss gets better and better and Stede's hands are in his hair and yes, Ed is sending Amanda a gift basket.
They finally separate, Ed isn't sure if they kissed for five minutes or five hours, but he knows it wasn't enough.
"Ed," Stede whispers with such reverence that it feels like Ed is hearing his name for the first time.
"Yeah, okay, she wasn't lying," Ed admits and a slow smile spreads across Stede's lips. He has to kiss him again.
After they part, although one of Stede's hands is still in his hair, Ed clears his throat.
"So... what now? Do you want to tell the crew that the spell is over?"
"God no," Stede shakes his head and takes both of Ed's hands in his. He pulls him upright and towards him. "They can wait until morning."
Ed smiles: "Or afternoon."
"Or that," Stede agrees breathlessly and their lips meet again for a brief but heated kiss.
Ed pulls away and says, "Come on, Perseus."
Stede throws his head back in giddy laughter and Ed pulls him towards his cabin.
*
"Oh God, I can't believe I serenaded him," Frenchie groans, rubbing his hands over his face as if hiding from the world. Everyone looks and feels pretty hung over, despite being sober since the day before yesterday. They sit in the sand, their heads hanging down in endless embarrassment.
"That's nothing, I drew him naked. Naked," Lucius hisses, burying his face in Black Pete's neck.
"Well, I actually jerked off to him, so that's worse," Wee John chimes in. Several others grunt in agreement.
"I'd like to remind everyone that I tried to poison Blackbeard," Roach chimes in. "He's going to kill me!"
"I actually stabbed him, so stop whining," Jim hisses, trying to chew through the rope that binds them to Oluwande. They still haven't managed to get rid of it, not that Olu is trying very hard.
"Yeah, I'm actually thinking of stabbing myself in the eyes because I can't face them ever again," Lucius snaps.
"Yeah, me too, 'cause I've seen Wee John jerking off," Oluwande nods and Wee John pushes him playfully, but hard enough that both he and Jim fall over in the sand.
"Hey!"
"¡Hijo de puta!"
Stede doesn't come to get them until late afternoon.