Work Text:
Fëanáro’s mother’s fëa left her body 2 years and 131 nights after he was born.
For his entire life, Míriel Þerindë had lived in the Gardens of Lorien and every second that Fëanáro got to spend with her were imprinted in his mind. He remembers her, the sweet smiles that she would give father, the beaming smile she would give him, the proud look in her eyes when he spoke to her. He never could remember what they would talk about, he was too young for that.
But he remembers her hugs, and he knew that despite what everyone said about her, about how weak she was, she always gave the best hugs. He remembers the velvet-like texture of her silver hair, that was somehow silkier and prettier than her tapestries. And he remembers the way she would laugh with him, read to him even as her voice went softer due to lack of energy, how she would gain energy and become more animated the longer he spent with her.
He also remembers his father telling him to leave her in peace, to be calm, to not make her exert herself. But he was barely 2, and he might be a prodigy, but he didn’t understand much at the time. For his mother was always more active the closer he was to her. So, he always went closer. And his father always kept him away from her, because he was too wild, too curious, too much for his mother to handle.
When Míriel’s fëa left her body, Fëanáro was the only one who was shocked. He asked his father, the ainur, everyone around him what was it that caused her to die in an immortal land. No one answered, although they did send him looks filled with pity he didn’t want.
They held no funeral for her.
They were all immortal and undying, what need did they have for funerals?
Despite what everyone assumes, ages later, when he is imprisoned in the Halls of Mandos, Fëanáro had known Indis just as long as he had known his own mother. If anything, he had known Indis better than he had known Míriel. Indis had been one of his mother’s closest friends. They had met on the Great Journey and Indis had been there for Míriel’s wedding, and Fëanáro’s birth. She had been there for Míriel when even Finwë, with his responsibilities as king, hadn’t.
Indis had done a lot for him, although he remembered little of it. He had been too young and too deep in grief, although he hadn’t known what that was. Indis was the one who tucked him into bed from the time he was born till he was around 5, because father was too busy with something or the other. She was the one who taught him about the stars, about the elves and the dawning of the world, the first song, about their culture, both Vanyar and Noldorin culture, because father never had the time to spend with him.
He didn’t blame his father. Finwë was the King of a whole group of elves, just settling into a new land with new neighbors, new rules and new rulers. He was bombarded with requests, and demands, and complaints almost all the time. And he was sad.
Fëanáro remembers very well that his father was sad, upset, broken he would say now, and Indis helped Finwë more than anyone else could. And Fëanáro liked Indis for that, even as he was jealous of her, because his father would smile more when she was around, and he would become similar to how he was before… before everything happened.
But his father didn’t talk about mother, and all Fëanáro’s stories about his mother came from Indis, and he genuinely liked Indis. She could have been nothing more than another relative to him, an old friend of his mother’s who had never bothered to keep in touch.
But she had been there when he was born, and if the rumors were true then she had been there when his father hadn’t. And when his mother departed to the gardens of Lorien, Indis had been the one to take care of him and spend time with him. She had become like the older sister he didn’t know he wanted – someone who could tease him, and laugh with him, and who encouraged him to be himself.
Then, father told him he was going to marry Indis, and everything came shattering down.
Perhaps looking back, it hadn’t been Indis’ fault entirely. He had been a child, compared to her and father. Out of all of them, father should have known that Fëanáro hadn’t recovered from his mother’s death. How could he, when no one had ever died in Aman except for her?
When father told him the news, Fëanáro had raged against it.
He didn’t want another mother, because he already had one, and she would return, wouldn’t she? He voiced his opinions, he was 13, he didn’t need a mother! Indis had been understanding and sympathetic, just as always. Father sat him down and told him that his mother was never coming back, that father wanted to move on from the sad period of their lives and look forward to a better future, that father wanted Fëanáro to have friends, siblings to spend his time with.
But all Fëanáro could see was his father replacing his mother with Indis. To him, it had been like his father was forgetting his mother, and that his father was replacing him with other children. Children who wouldn’t kill their mother when they were born, although he hadn’t learned that sentiment at that point.
But Indis was still the only one who could make father smile and laugh, despite everything that Fëanáro said and tried, and she was the only one who could keep father’s attention on her for longer than an hour. Father tried, Fëanáro knew he did, but father was king, and he always said that Fëanáro was too smart for him to follow. Indis was also the only one who could spend more than an hour with Fëanáro, since no one else seemed to like him.
And so, he accepted the marriage. It would make father happy, wouldn’t it?
Anything was worth his father’s happiness.
He was fifteen when they went through with the marriage and Indis was suddenly in the limelight. And she was gone as well, because everyone spoke about her, and he could hear their whispered words about her, but couldn’t do anything about it. He knew she had her own duties now, but it still hurt when his father dismissed him in favor of kingly duties and when he turned to his sis- stepmother, she could do nothing but smile at him.
He resented them, the Valar who had decided his mother could never come back, the people sometimes for changing Indis. But he could never blame his father. And so, as soon as he could, he left for his studies, to explore so he could find a craft.
The distance between Indis and him grew, until all they had was an impression of each other.
His first younger sibling was born when he had been gone for only a year.
Fëanáro was there when Findis was born, unlike father, who was on a trip to Alqualondë.
Fëanáro was the first one, after Indis, to hold the infant and he loved the child from that second.
But during the year away, he had learned what the people were whispering about him. He knew the statements were that he was marred, that Míriel Þerindë died giving birth to him. He knew also that they sometimes whispered that mother was the one that was marred, which was why father had remarried. He knew that wasn’t true, father had loved mother. But Fëanáro had also seen the pain in father’s eyes every time he looked at Fëanáro, and all he wanted was for that pain to disappear.
But the rumors and the whispers had fueled a fierce, burning desire in him. He wanted to heal his mother, give her a chance to live once more. He knew that it was an issue with her fëa being tired after giving birth to him, so he was sure that he could create something that would give her energy. Thus, Fëanáro was apprenticing under Mahtan, one of the greatest smiths to exist.
But Feanaro knew that whatever he did, he couldn’t allow anyone else to be affected by the whispers of marring, least of all any of his siblings. But he also couldn’t leave without giving them some sort of gift. So, picking out one of the gems he had in his pocket, a pretty green one that brought out the color in Findis’ eyes, he tucked it into Findis’ blanket. He leaves the palace a couple of days after that, before his father can make it back from Alqualondë.
In the next five years, he barely returns to Tirion and the palace, but when he does, he plays with Findis as often as he can. Findis won’t remember much of it, anyways, so it doesn’t matter much. But she’s funny and nice, and she reminds him of Indis from before sometimes, so he gives her gifts when he can. And he watches from a distance as his father smiles more often.
He finds friendship and companionship with Nerdanel, Mahtan’s daughter and they just about start courting when news of Indis and Finwë’s second child reach him.
Once again, he’s the first one after Indis to hold the child - a young boy, called Ñolofinwë. Ñolofinwë is an exact copy of their father, Fëanáro can see that the moment he lays eyes on his brother. He knows that Finwë could easily replace him with the unmarred child, but he finds that he can’t mind as long as his father is happy.
Regardless of his doubts, he pulls out one of the experimental gems he was working on and gifts it to Ñolofinwë. It’s a blue gem, cut similarly to the green gem Findis has. This gem contains light of its own, glowing slightly during the nights, similar to the distant stars Fëanáro has heard so much about. And Fëanáro wants to learn about this younger brother of his, but Fëanáro cannot risk marring his brother since it will cause his father much sadness.
Fëanáro leaves the palace while his father is staring at Ñolofinwë in awe.
The next four years were a whirlwind of paradise, of love and joy.
And then, his heart threatens to break when he realizes that Nerdanel is with child. He’s going to be a father and he’s worried about Nerdanel and his unborn child. And he spends most of his time fretting and planning his marriage. He is not officially an adult, nor is Nerdanel, but both are determined to take care of the child to the best of their abilities.
The relief he felt when his first child was born and both the infant and Nerdanel were well was and always will be incomparable.
His first child is perfect, with Nerdanel’s red hair and facial structure. But Maitimo, as Nerdanel chooses as his name, has Fëanáro’s eyes - a glowing silver that Fëanáro inherited from Míriel. Finwë, for once in 23 years actually looks Fëanáro in the eyes as he announces that Maitimo is second in line for the throne, that Maitimo is the third Finwë. Desperate to please his father and hoping to keep his attention for something other than his studies or work, Fëanáro names his son Nelyafinwë.
Maitimo, little Nelyo, gets one of the jewels Fëanáro had tried to capture the light of the trees in - a silver gem that glowed slightly, reflecting the light of Telperion. When Maitimo later asks him to put it into a pendant, he does so with pride bursting through him.
With a child of his own to worry about, Fëanáro is busier than ever and cannot spend much time with his siblings. What he does notice is how father somehow makes time to spend with Ñolofinwë, who has become a copy of their father, right down to the eyes. He is infinitely jealous of Nolo. But Nolo spends all his free time playing with little Maitimo, and when they’re not playing with each other, they’re following him around. And Fëanáro, despite his jealousy, can’t find it in himself to hate his brother.
Fëanáro marries Nerdanel the year he comes of age.
It’s a year after his marriage to Nerdanel, that he welcomes his second son into the world. Makalaurë, Nerdanel names him, the gold-cleaver. And hearing his son’s voice, Fëanáro names him Kanafinwë - the strong voiced.
Makalaurë is a perfect mix of Nerdanel and himself, unlike Maitimo who favors his mother. Makalaurë has Fëanáro’s dark hair and silver eyes, but Nerdanel’s features in everything else. And his voice carries a power that isn’t seen among elves. Fëanáro doesn’t know what it is about his son’s voice, but it compels him to the forge, trying out a new angle in the gems he’s making for his mother.
The result is a silver gem that shimmers and glows with power when he sings, and he gives it to Makalaurë. When Makalaurë is older, he asks for the gem to be set into one of his hair ornaments, and Fëanáro allows him to sing as he forges the piece.
It’s years later, when he receives news that Indis is having her third child, that he goes back to Tirion for the first time with his children. His siblings had grown up faster than he expected and don’t seem to remember much about him.
Findis is 26 and Nolo is 21 when their third sibling is born. Surprisingly, Fëanáro, who was 42 at the time, is still the first person after Indis to hold the youngest child in their family now. He thinks it’s Indis’ influence that allows this, but he doesn’t complain. Little Irimë, Lalwendë, gets the first jewel he’s made as an intentional gift - green, like her sister’s, despite the fact that she has more of their father in her.
This gem he had woven enchantments into – enchantments of calming and quiet strength.
He wishes Irimë well and leaves before his siblings could demand why he was there. If he leaves quicker because he doesn’t want to meet his father, no one knows.
A few months after Maitimo turns 26, Fëanáro is blessed with his third child, Tyelkormo. Fëanáro nearly cried when he saw his son for the first time because Tyelkormo was the first of his children to inherit his mother’s silver hair and her silver eyes. He had the same features as Míriel, and he was stronger than she had been towards the end. And Fëanáro names his third child Turkafinwë, strong one. Tyelko gets the sixth shining gem, the same enchanting silver with powerful protections weaved into it. They’re all experiments that haven’t met his vision yet, but Fëanáro know that his children appreciate it anyways.
Fëanáro and Nerdanel’s fourth child is born three years after Tyelko.
He has Fëanáro’s dark hair, and dark blue eyes. His distinguishing feature is his skin, he has darkest skin of any Eldar that has been seen in Valinor, which flushes red every time he cries. Nerdanel names him Carnistir.
When Finwë sees Carnistir, the second of Fëanáro’s children that he sees before they turn 1, he speaks of Míriel’s brothers, of their dark skin and darker eyes, and Fëanáro chokes back anger and grief at how little he knows of his mother’s family. He gives Carnistir the name Morifinwë, the dark Finwë, in honor of those who haven’t seen the light of the trees.
Carnistir’s blue gem isn’t related to his experiments at all, but captures starlight, nonetheless. It’s bright in the dark but doesn’t glow in the light of the trees, and Fëanáro hopes that his son can always use it to navigate, like those who live far from Aman use starlight.
Two years after Carnistir’s birth, Fëanáro, Nerdanel and his children left for exploration. They travel through the forests and to the edges of the Helcaraxë, and other regions previously unseen by elves.
They’re travelling when their fifth child is born. Curufinwë Atarinkë, named as such by Fëanáro and Nerdanel for his extreme resemblance of Fëanáro. Fëanáro immediately notes that Atarinkë has Nerdanel’s eyes - a greenish-blue shade, and Fëanáro has never been more filled with love at that moment, when all his children crowd around to meet their newest brother.
When Atarinkë receives his gem, the eighth one, it’s greenish-blue and changes shades like the ocean, inspired mainly by Nerdanel’s eyes, not that he ever tells her that. Both Makalaurë and Maitimo helped Fëanáro a little bit to make the gem, and it shows in the way the gem sings with their love and devotion.
They return to the palace a year after Curvo’s birth, so Fëanáro is present when his fourth sibling is born. At this point, none of his other siblings remember him at all, other than as a vague concept.
When Arafinwë is born, Indis somehow manages to give the child to Fëanáro, even before Finwë, who is surprisingly present or Nolofinwë, who pouts because of this. Arafinwë has Indis’ hair and features, he looks like a male version of Indis, except for his eyes. Arafinwë has Finwë’s eye color - a mesmerizing blue, which no one in Fëanáro’s family has inherited.
Arafinwë gets a gem that is similar to the one Fëanáro gave Nolofinwë years ago. It’s much more powerful and brighter than Nolo’s gem, and Arafinwë loves the shiny thing as soon as he sets his eyes on it.
Fëanáro isn’t surprised when years later, Arafinwë is the only one of them who religiously wears the brightest gems in his hair and clothes, although he is surprised when Arafinwë never removes the blue gem Fëanáro gifted him.
It’s during a visit to see his siblings, and Indis, that Fëanáro realizes how much more time Finwë spends with them. It’s more time than Fëanáro has even seen his own father for, and Arafinwë and Lalwendë are less than quarter his age. He knows his father can barely look into his eyes, the same eyes as Míriel, and his father doesn’t look at Fëanáro’s children much either. They remind him too much of Míriel, bits and pieces of a puzzle that was broken and lost long ago.
Their eyes, and hair, and laugh, and voice, and skill, and thoughts. Their sense of humor, their kindness, their anger, their grins. Fëanáro chokes with sobs when he reaches home. His children have given him a bit of his mother and they have distanced his father. He cries out of happiness and distress, and none of his children leave his side for a week after that.
He takes them and Nerdanel, and they go back to the wilds.
It’s in one of the absurdly located forests that the twins are born.
The sixth and seventh of his sons, named Ambarussa, favor Nerdanel. Just like Curvo has Fëanáro’s face and hair and skills and temperament, Ambarussa have Nerdanel’s hair and smile and nose and presence. They have Fëanáro’s eyes, with something wilder, something more that Fëanáro can’t place, in them.
The older twin, Telufinwë, was quieter, more prone to watching what was going on than participating in the events. The younger twin, Pityafinwë, was the opposite of his brother and yet, the exact same. Fëanáro created two gems for them - each was half red, half silver, twined about each other. Red for Pityo, silver for Telvo.
The gems hadn’t been created as part of his experiments. He hadn’t even experimented with light, and energy and gems in years. But his children, who were alive and well, were more important than his experiments to bring his mother back. He could work on them again later, he knew. She would always wait for him.
The Ambarussa grew up in the wild, and the family continued on their exploration for years. It’s only during Arafinwë’s coming of age year that they hear about Nolofinwë’s marriage and the fact that Nolofinwë was expecting a child.
They are present when Nolofinwë’s son, Findekáno, is born, and Fëanáro notices the confused expression on his younger brother’s face. It isn’t until Fëanáro gifts Findekáno with a dazzling blue gem, made by Curufin, that Fëanáro realizes that Nolo didn’t know that he was the one to give each of the family members the jewels.
It’s years later, in the Halls of Mandos, that Nolo confesses that he assumed that every mother gave her child a gem that matched the color of their eyes, and Fëanáro doesn’t have a gem because he didn’t have a mother.
Fëanáro isn’t sure if he should be surprised or insulted when he hears that because Findekáno’s birth was the first time Nolo gave him sincere thanks and a hug for the gift. It’s also the last time Nolo is nice to him.
In the years after that, Fëanáro got absorbed into his own research, barely returning to Tirion to hand each child a gem that matches their eyes. (He never tells anyone that he always carries a varied range of colors, just so that he doesn’t give them something that doesn’t match). Sometimes, he sends one of his sons with the gems instead, his experiments at important stages in their development that he cannot leave them.
He works day and night, taking inspiration from everything, until he finally settles on the light of the trees during the mingling. It takes years after that, until he finally captures the light of the trees in a jewel. A jewel, which promptly breaks into three parts, unable to contain the concentrated light along with parts of his soul that he used to bind them. He calls them the Silmarilli.
When he goes to petition Manwe and Varda to release his mother, citing that his gems would prevent her from fading once more, they barely listen. They’re too consumed by the gems at that point, and at every point after that. They refuse to listen to him, and they refuse to allow his mother out.
When Melkor and Ungoliant destroy the trees, for one horrible moment, Fëanáro is pleased.
Then, his father is killed and Fëanáro swears revenge.
He can do nothing less for the father he would carve his heart out for, and for the mother he forged gems out of his own soul for.