Chapter Text
The first time he felt the lump, small as a pebble resting in his chest, was when his father died. It was solid as stone, and Merlin believed it was just sorrow, that his heart hurt so much that he felt it. He quickly forgot about it, accepting the lump in his chest as another mental scar that he bore over the years. If the lump grew in size and weight over the course of almost two years, he shrugged, he had plenty of things to be sad about, or could’ve been the weight of his regrets, forever reminding him of it’s existence.
He was walking along next to Lancelot carrying the prat’s laundry when he finally felt the lump move, startling him so much that he tripped on thin air and spill linens everywhere.
"Merlin! Are you alright?” Lancelot said with concern, helping him gather his wayward sheets as Merlin tried to recover from the sudden fall.
“Lancelot, you shouldn’t be doing that, I’m the servant and you’re the knight.” Merlin admonished him as he gathered the sheets into a messy ball in his arms, not bothering to refold them.
“You know my answer to that, Merlin.” Lancelot grinned as he helped his friend stand up, and Merlin’s mouth pulled upwards until it hurt. He gave an unbelieving huff, as the last of the sheets were gathered. His magic automatically smoothed down Lancelot’s hair in a small gesture of gratitude.
“Merlin, if you keep doing that, people are gonna be jealous of my perfect hair.” Lancelot said teasingly.
“By people, you mean Gwaine?” Merlin laughed lightly.
“Wait a minute, Merlin are you doing the same to---”
“No, gods no. I wish it was, but Gwaine’s hair is naturally like that. If I didn’t know better, I would suspect him of it.” Merlin said as both of them rolled their eyes in unison, Gwaine’s windswept hair would forever be a mystery.
The lump moved again, pain sparking from the area, Merlin careened into the wall and his knees failed beneath him. He gave a small involuntary cry of pain as the lump lurched in his chest, stars danced in his eyes as the lump clenched and started thrashing violently. He felt strong arms circle him around the shoulder and under his knees as his grip on the sheets loosened. He whimpered into the strong chest as he weakly tore at the spot where the lump resided under his skin with now free hands. The lump thrashed and scratched it’s walls with razor sharp claws, wait, claws? The lump stilled, Merlin sighed in relief, but felt feather light touches at the walls surrounding the lump’s prison.
He screamed as the claws dug deeply and shredded it all, wounds inside quickly gushing blood and he could hear his agonized scream turn to a deafening Roar. Merlin’s body could take no more, and promptly passed out in Lancelot's panicked arms.
+++
“Merlin? Merlin wake up!” Lancelot’s voice called him, and Merlin groaned as his eyes fluttered open. He winced at once from the harsh light from the candle next to him, as Gaius probed fingers at his face to check for longer lasting injuries. Merlin noticed with not much thought that his shirt was neatly folded by him, chest bare to the world.
“What happened, my boy?” Gaius asked as Merlin sat up and swung his legs off of his cot. Merlin squinted as he tried to rewind what happened hours before, and without thinking he rubbed into his chest as if something ached.
“You’re doing it again!” Lancelot pointed and Merlin startled and looked down at his tense hands with surprise. Suddenly it all came back to him in a rush, and he gave a whimper as he remembered the sheer amount of pain of when the thing dug into him.
“G-get it out! I want it out! OUT!” Merlin cried as he tried to tear into his skin with his blunt fingernails, a small amount of satisfaction blossomed with each cut and scratch, completely ignoring the bleeding and pain. He just wanted it gone.
He actually snarled when firm hands clamped on his wrists and pulled them away, and started thrashing around. The thing rumbled and seemed to wake up from its slumber, Merlin’s body struggled harder against the strong grips on his hands and chest. He had, he had to carve out this beast from him now. Before the pain came back.
“It’s waking up! No no no no no.” Merlin growled as he started kicking his bare feet around, feeling a little vindictive at his captors, and felt a little better when he heard groans of pain. The beast slithered in his chest, growing more excited the more Merlin struggled, and the warlock could feel that the lump was no longer a lump. It had sharpened its features as he slept, it had a snout, scales, horns, teeth and claws, and wings. He didn’t care what it was, it brought only pain and it felt so invasive that such a creature lived in him without him knowing for so long.
“What’s waking up? Merlin be quiet, you don’t want to wake up half the castle!” Lancelot said harshly as he used all of his strength into redirecting Merlin’s violent beatings into him instead of Gaius’ fraile body.
“The lump! There’s a thing in my chest!!” Merlin yelled but got muffled by the stuffing of a rag by Gaius. He bit into it, going limp with a broken whimper as all of struggles had failed and the thing had started digging it’s razor sharp talons into it’s prison. He screamed through the rag, body automatically locking up in pain. He could feel the beast pausing for a moment before it started using its newly formed mouth full of razor sharp teeth wildly. No other option available, he pushed a desperate tendril of mind-speak toward the thing.
Please, whatever you are, please stop.
The beast stilled in surprise, and stopped tearing his insides to shreds. It seemed curious and nudged the tendril back in acknowledgement. Merlin went limp in relief, the rag falling out of his mouth as his eyes fluttered back open, the clouded look of pain fading away like a bad memory.
“Merlin, you okay?” Lancelot asked as he panted and started pulling his grip away tentatively but Merlin stopped him with a silent plea to ground him in the here and now. His friend relented and wrapped him in a comforting hug instead of the tight hold of panic for his friend from before. Merlin sighed as he got his breaths back to a normal pace, and started smacking lips suddenly noticed how dry they were. Gaius quickly gave him a cup of cold water and Merlin hummed in gratitude as he drank.
“I…...I told it to stop, and it did. It’s like a small beast grew right here,” Merlin croaked as he patted the spot of where the thing resided only inches beneath his skin, he shivered as it breathed softly, “and I didn’t even notice it for almost two years. How can I miss a detail like that? I should’ve known.”
“Merlin, when did you first feel it? Perhaps we can pin down the event that caused it, and we’ll find a way to safely kill it without cutting a hole in you.” Gaius asked as he patted his ward’s forehead with a wet cloth, hoping that whatever ailed Merlin this time wouldn’t prove to be fatal.
“When…..Balinor died, I thought it was just grief. It was small as a pebble back then,” Merlin squinted, “and I think it grew every time I was sad or had another regret. I was stupid, I should’ve stopped moping around and realized it was a pool of magic instead of my d-dumb emotions. Now look at what happened.”
“Merlin, you said it was a small beast, how do you know?” Gaius pressed, stamping down the words that would disprove Merlin’s line of thinking that his sorrow had landed him in this mess, he was only human, after all. Now wasn’t the time.
“It was just a lump before, and maybe it was an egg? Because when I woke up, I could just tell it had a snout, horns, wings, claws and teeth (of course) and a slender body.” Merlin paused as he thought of animals that resembled it, “Rather like a dragon actually, very much so.”
Gaius and Merlin exchanged a look between them, one sheepish and the other with frustration at the lack of hindsight. Gaius shook his head and sighed. Lancelot looked between the two, despite knowing Merlin’s major secret, there was many more not shared.
“Well, time for another trip to see Kilgharrah and get a sleepless night (again) due to getting a stupidly cryptic response and having more questions than answers!” Merlin proclaimed with forced cheeriness.
“Kilgharrah? Is he a friend of yours?” Lancelot asked a bit foolishly, and jumped at the simultaneous looks he got from Gaius and Merlin, “Okay, not a friend then.”
“Lancelot, I think it’s time you get to meet him. You know what they say about a pain shared is a pain halved, or rather a headache.” Merlin sighed as he tried to push himself off of the cot, but his sore arms and legs failed beneath him. Lancelot quickly supported him before he completely fell to the floor, and pulled Merlin onto shaky feet. He stayed close just in case if Merlin’s body decided to give out again. Merlin wanted to retort that he wasn’t fragile, but it gave a warm feeling inside to be so looked after and cared for.