Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

As Metatron was heading to the door of the bookshop, the angel realized that he cannot possibly leave Crowley on the note on which their conversation ended. In fact, looking back on it, it could hardly be called a "conversation" - they were just talking past each other. Aziraphale felt a hot flash of emotions in his face and chest, as he arrived at the memory of what occurred toward the end of their… *ahem* talk. He swallowed the knot in his throat, and pushed that particular memory out of his mind with considerable effort, while desperately hoping that he was not blushing. Aziraphale decided that, even if the outcome of talking to Crowley again is going to be the same, perhaps they might part on better terms. With less suffering and with more hope.

As these thoughts raced through his mind, Aziraphale managed to make some sort of noise in an attempt to get Metatron's attention: "I..uh…I think.." Metatron did not hear (or ignored) him and kept walking. Aziraphale then cleared his throat rather loudly, and Metatron turned around.

"Ehm, I think that…ah, I actually do need a little more time before our final departure. Would you mind giving me 30 minutes?"

Metatron squinted his eyes and a concerned expression grew over his face. "Aziraphale, I hope you are not feeling pressured into this. If you're going to be Supreme Archangel, we need someone who is fully committed to the job and harbors no doubts in the Great Plan."

Aziraphale felt irritated. He was quite certain that Metatron knew exactly just how pressured he was feeling. But instead Aziraphale said: "Of course I don't feel pressured, and of course I don’t harbor doubts. I very much appreciate this opportunity. It's just… I've spent the last 6000 years on Earth and… well, I'm realizing that I need a little more than 10 minutes to conclude all my Earthly…ehm…affairs."

He regretted his word choice ("affairs" )as soon as it left his lips. Aziraphale hoped yet again that he was not visibly blushing. Metatron relented: "Okay Aziraphale. I'll be back in a bit." He smiled politely and walked off in the direction of the coffeeshop where Muriel was still sitting outside and "reading" a "book."

Aziraphale closed his eyes and took a deep and shaky breath. His body felt unsteady and jittery; his eyes wandered all over the walls of his bookshop, and stopped at the window. Crowley was still standing across the street leaning on the Bentley, still as a statue. The demon watched Metatron walk into the coffeeshop and then slowly turned his head towards the bookshop. He stared with an inscrutable expression. Aziraphale felt a lightning bolt of adrenaline pass through his entire body. "Well, it's now or never," he said to himself silently. The angel briskly straightened his vest and walked out of the Bookshop. Crowley watched him approach. With each step, the Angel felt as if a big balloon was being blown up in his chest, rudely taking up all the space, and preventing him from taking in a full breath.

Aziraphale stopped a couple of feet away from Crowley. The demon's face was expressionless, almost waxen. Aziraphale's eyes darted between looking at Crowley and looking away nervously. He began in a quiet voice: "Crowley…" and stopped. He realized he hadn't figured out what else he was going to say.

"Did you...change your mind?" Crowley's voice sounded as if he was trying (and failing) to sound nonchalant.

"Erm..no...Not exactly." Aziraphale felt his face getting hot and his stomach turning to knots.

"So did you come back to FoRgIvE me some more?" Crowley spat through clenched teeth.

Aziraphale sighed and looked guilty. "No, of course not...Quite the opposite, actually. I believe it is I who needs forgiveness. That...um...that… was not the right thing to say earlier…given the circumstances. And…err.. it wasn't at all what I actually wanted to say. I'm sorry, Crowley. You… caught me by quite a surprise. Please come back to the bookshop so we can finish talking?"

Crowley stared at Aziraphale for a few moments. "No, Aziraphale. You caught me by quite a surprise. If you haven't changed your mind, I don't see what's left to talk about. You made your feelings abundantly clear..."

Aziraphale winced. "That's the thing...I um...I actually didn't. I think there is a lot more that needs to be said. Everything was happening too fast!"

"Angel. I don't know how to express myself any clearer than baring my soul to you, the way I did back there."

Aziraphale felt his face getting hot. He looked utterly dejected and avoided eye contact with Crowley. He stammered: "Well…ehm…I see your point there. And yet...Yet I am still asking you to at least give me another chance to express myself better. I am worried that...it might be the last chance I get to talk to you freely...at least for a while." He glanced towards the coffee shop nervously. "Please Crowley!"

Crowley looked away from the Angel and was silent for a long moment. Finally he sighed, and said in a flat voice: "Fine. But only in honor of the 6000 years we spent here together. ("Which apparently means nothing..." he muttered under his breath as he started toward the bookshop).

Aziraphale glanced at Crowley furtively as they walked back to the bookshop in complete silence. Crowley walked inside, but stopped close to the entrance, as if to signal that his presence there was tentative and conditional. He crossed his arms and stood perfectly still. His body language was conveying an expectant "Well?" as he waited for Aziraphale to speak.

Aziraphale's hands were clammy and he felt hot, yet his body seemed to be shivering. How is he supposed to explain his decision to Crowley? What more can he say? How is he supposed to convince Crowley that this decision is not the deepest betrayal of the Demon's trust, loyalty, and everything they have been through together since the beginning of all things? Aziraphale had no answers to any of these questions. He just knew he had to start talking because the clock was ticking.

"Crowley…I am not going to try and convince you to come with me. But...If I'm being perfectly honest - It's hard for me to understand why you would dismiss this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity so quickly. To have the freedom of doing what we had dreamed of all these years - to make Heaven better and to make the world safe once and for all." Aziraphale's face had a look of confusion and sadness.

Crowley responded coldly: "The only reason its hard for you to understand my reasons is because you have not experienced Heaven in the way that I have. They don't give "freedom" to anyone. Not really. They don't like for things to be questioned, and they don't like change. I think you've gone completely delusional if you've convinced yourself that you can change anything up there all by yourself!"

"I'm not delusional." said Aziraphale in an even tone. "And…I was assuming I would not be going 'all by myself.' When I said yes to Metatron, I assumed I would have…a…a partner who shares my goals. " He seemed slightly embarrassed by using the word "partner."

Crowley said bitterly: "The last time I tried to make changes in Heaven, it didn't go so well for me. In case you forgoT." Aziraphale looked at him, feeling distraught for causing his friend to recall those awful memories. There was no arguing with what he said.

Heavy silence hung in the air as the Angel and the Demon faced each other. Suddenly, Crowley started pacing. His words were coming out in a pressured stream of consciousness: "So how exactly do you imagine this…this reinstatement to angelhood going for me, hmm? Do you really think I'm just going to crawl back up there and beg them for forgiveness, beg them for my halo back, with my widdle angel tail between my widdle angel legs? If that's really what you think - then you really don't know me at all!" Crowley's voice sounded like a low growl: "I will never repent for things that are not evil! I will never repent for asking questions! And I will never repent for not…not having blind faith!" He stopped pacing and faced Aziraphale again. "That's not who I am now, and that's not who I was then. So if you really want me to become an angel again then....I don't think its actually me that you want. You want some fantasy version of me, some version that you made up in your head because...Because you can't actually accept me for who I am, can you Aziraphale? Isn't that why you are always trying to forgive me?" Crowley's mouth was in a thin line, and his face was filled with rejection and hurt.

Aziraphale felt like someone punched him in the gut and his breath got caught in his throat. As he tried to process what Crowley had said, panicky thoughts filled his head. "Could he be right? Do I want to change Crowley into something he is not? Our relationship would certainly be easier and....safer if he was reinstated..." Then the memory of Crowley's lips on his, the memory of his closeness, the way he had smelled...it all came rushing back. Aziraphale's physical and celestial body ached for this closeness. He became acutely aware of the absolute certainty that he never needed Crowley to be an angel. Aziraphale had always loved him exactly as he was - Angel, Snake, Demon, Crawley, Crowley...even Nanny Ashtoreth. For thousands of years, he never doubted that Crowley is someone who is deserving of admiration and unconditional love.

Aziraphale focused his eyes on Crowley and swallowed. "I'm glad you shared that with me. Perhaps you are right and I…I am being overly optimistic about what type of reception your return would garner in heaven. And…I am probably being too optimistic about what may be expected from you in order to secure your reinstatement. But…I want to make something perfectly clear. I have never thought that you needed to repent for being who you are. I love…your compassion and loyalty… Your curiosity and independence…Your kindness...Your love for all of Creation." Now Aziraphale was staring at Crowley with that smitten look on his face and a soft dreamy smile. As usual, the Angel was completely unaware that he was, in fact, staring. "These qualities that are so natural to you...they are so sorely lacking in Heaven."

Crowley appeared to have mixed emotions about Aziraphale's compliments. He looked embarrassed, annoyed, and maybe very slightly pleased. The demon uncrossed his arms and studied the floor. "Well…still think you're naïve. Or grandiose... Heaven hasn't changed since the beginning of time. What makes you think this time will be any different..."

Aziraphale felt a twinge of irritation at Crowley's unshakable nihilism. "Forgive me for saying this, but...honestly Crowley, aren't you a bit naïve for believing that we can just hide our heads in the sand forever?" Aziraphale paused and considered whether he should say the next part out loud. "You know, your proposition to um..." Aziraphale's throat felt very dry suddenly. "to go off...Together." The Angel's voice got quiet and Crowley froze in his spot. Aziraphale glanced at Crowley nervously and quickly looked away. "Its quite...well its quite tempting. It was tempting four years ago…and even more so now." Aziraphale was quiet for a moment lost in thought, as if weighing the offer again in his mind. Crowley swallowed.

"But Crowley…no matter where we go - this peaceful existence we carved out for ourselves, I don't think it can last. Not unless things change." Aziraphale nodded up at the ceiling. "You know as well as I do that, sooner or later, they will try to implement another Apocalyptic event to satisfy their obsession with the war. You said it to me yourself four years ago- the Armageddon we thwarted wasn't the Big One! The Big One will be Earth against Heaven and Hell. And when that time comes, will you really be okay with abandoning Earth in its time of need? Abandoning Nina? And Maggie? Abandoning everyone and everything to complete and utter destruction? I mean... Just think of the ducks!"

Crowley was silent and still.

The angel concluded his argument with the following: "But...if I'm up there, keeping an eye on their plans…that would greatly improve Earth's chances of survival, don't you think?" Crowley's insides jumped as he remembered what he saw during his little field trip to Heaven just a few hours ago. They already tried to set up another Armageddon. Aziraphale was right about that...

Crowley sighed and hung his head. He took off his sunglasses and stared at the ground. The demon looked tired and resigned. After a few moments of silence, he offered a quiet half-hearted retort: "Well...it still coulda been nice...I mean...Shouldn't we just enjoy what we have while we have it? Live in the moment and suCH..." He trailed off because he already knew what the Angel will say.

Aziraphale walked over to Crowley and stood close to him. The angel looked at his friend with an expression filled with sorrow and love. As usual, Aziraphale was admiring the demon's sharp features, his shining golden eyes, his perfect hair. He desperately wanted to reach out and touch Crowley, but he did not dare. "I truly don't think we can...Not anymore." Aziraphale took in an audible breath before continuing. "These last few years, after the Armageddon, have been...the best years of my life. And...continuing to do that, staying here…with you…would be astronomically more pleasant than leaving...without you. But I…I strongly believe there is a reason that this opportunity is being presented to us now. Maybe even some sort of an...ineffable…reason."

Crowley was looking at Aziraphale with a pained expression on his face. The angel felt like he was sealing his own fate, as he said the next sentence. His own voice sounded muffled and distant to him. "Crowley...this is something I feel completely and utterly compelled to do. Just as for you, the idea of coming back to Heaven feels like going against everything you are at your core. For me - not taking this opportunity to try. Try and fix things...it would be going against everything that I am at my core. Can't you see that?" Aziraphale's eyes were desperately searching Crowley's face. The angel's countenance was twisted with guilt, love, sadness, and fear.

By now, Crowley had admitted to himself that Aziraphale was right in some ways. At least in the fact that Heaven and Hell will never cease trying to act out their joint Armageddon fetish. They'll never stop trying to resolve their ancient grudges against one another. Not unless some kind of a new vision, a new "plan" was spoon fed to them. And who is better for the task of creating a more...Earth-Friendly plan than a being who has been a protector of humans from the very beginning, usually at his own expense. Someone who loves Earth and appreciates everything it has to offer- people, music, food, books, dancing, little restaurants where they know you, parents who love their children, champagne, magic tricks?! Someone who understands the beauty of creation, and sees an intrinsic value in its existence, as opposed to viewing it only as a means to An End.

Finally Crowley spoke: " 'M sorry I called you an idiot earlier…" He exhaled. "Still think you're insane for taking this on. Yes, yes...I understand, 'S who you are, etcetera and all that…It's just…Ngk..." Crowley made a frustrated noise and ran his fingers through his hair. "It just really stings that…even after 6000 years, even after everything we've been through, your devotion to Heaven is still...You're still…" He swallowed. "You always choose them over me," he finished quietly.

Hearing these words, Aziraphale's expression changed to that of disbelief with an undercurrent of horror. Something heavy dropped into his stomach, while something sharp broke into a million tiny pieces in his chest. What a cruel and tragic world...in which his best friend actually believes he is not important enough…

Aziraphale finally felt brave enough to touch Crowley, he needed to touch him. He reached out and took Crowley's hand into both of his. Crowley glanced down at their intertwined hands, and back up to the angel's face, trying (and failing) to control his emotions. Aziraphale looked intently and tenderly into the fallen angel's eyes and spoke: "My dear friend. Don't you see that the reason I care so deeply about these things is because of you. You're the one who showed me that all creation is precious and worth saving. You're the one who showed me that we must protect it. You're the one who taught me that we must allow it to unfold into whatever beautiful design it was meant to become." Both of them had tears glistening in their eyes. "Crowley. All I want is...All I've ever really wanted is to watch this Universe unfold through the ages...with you by my side." A tear spilled and rolled down Crowley's cheek. Aziraphale reached up and gently wiped it with his thumb. Crowley said in a low raspy voice: " 'S all I ever wanted too, Angel."

Two eternal beings stood frozen in time, in an old bookshop, somewhere on a small blue planet. Eyes locked, hands touching, insides trembling. Feeling the most vulnerable, and the most human they have ever felt.

Then, the door thrust open and Metatron stomped in. Aziraphale discreetly let go of Crowley's hand and turned to face Metatron. "It is time, Aziraphale." Metatron announced. "I'm ready," Aziraphale said, and forced a small polite smile on his face. "Excellent!" Metatron turned to leave and Aziraphale went after him. At the door, the angel turned to take one last look at Crowley. He observed, with a considerable amount of guilt, that the demon was looking rather shellshocked. Their eyes met and the angel bathed in the warm golden glow for one last moment. Then he walked out.

As the door slammed shut, the sound of it shook Crowley out of his trance. He walked over to a chair and collapsed into it. He slowly put on his sunglasses and angrily wiped his cheek with his hand. The demon wondered for the hundredth time if he was being an arsehole for rejecting Aziraphale's offer. For letting him go off into that nest of toxicity on his own. Bloody Angel…How is he supposed to protect him now?

Aziraphale walked into the elevator. As he watched the doors shut, he felt an unbearable force clenching down on his heart. He thought about what (and who) he was leaving behind. He wondered for the hundredth time whether this decision would turn out to be a horrible and irreversible mistake.

Chapter Text

I've made mistakes
I could have treated you better
I let you get away
There goes my happily ever after

Tell me why, why can't we try and start again?
This can't be how our story ends
You're more than my girl, you're my best friend
Tell me you remember when
Oooh, I was your man and you were mine
It was you and me against the world

Baby, ain't nobody gonna love me like the way you do
And you ain't never gonna find a love like mine
Tell me what can I do to make it up to you?
'Cause what we got's too good to say goodbye, goodbye

Yeah, I'm still in love with you darlin'
I know you feel the same
Oh, what's the point of both of us being broken hearted?
I pray it's never too late

Tell me why, why can't we try and start again?
This can't be how our story ends
You're more than my girl, you're my best friend
Tell me you remember when
Oooh, I was your man and you were mine
It was you and me against the world

Baby, ain't nobody gonna love me like the way you do
And you ain't never gonna find a love like mine
Tell me what can I do to make it up to you?
'Cause what we got's too good to say goodbye, goodbye

Girl won't you listen?
(Don't you give up)
It's you that I'm missin'
(Don't you give up)
Take my hand, I wanna go, I wanna go
(All the way)

If we're gonna fight this fight for better days
I know we're gonna make it
This is the chance, let's take it

Baby, ain't nobody gonna love me like the way you do
(No, no, no, no)
And you ain't never gonna find a love like mine
Tell me what can I do to make it up to you?
'Cause what we got's too good to say goodbye
(Come on, come on, come on) ...goodbye... (Oh baby)