Chapter Text
JJ stood, dazed and exhausted, watching as the ambulances, coroner vehicles, and SUVs left. She longed for time to just pause, just long enough to give her a second, a second to adjust. If time would just freeze, then no one would have to see her like this. She could return to Will, as the perfect wife, perfect mother. She was falling further and further into her own thoughts when she heard the footsteps of boots behind her.
“Hey Jayje.”
JJ turned to give Emily what she hoped would seem to be a reassuring smile.
“Hey.”
It came out raspier than she expected. She tried to clear her throat, and a sob escaped with it. Out of her peripheral vision she saw Emily step forward briskly, reaching out for her arm.
“When everything, uh, happened, with Doyle, it was almost a relief that… I didn’t have to make any decisions immediately after... I didn’t have to decide where to go, whether to go home, whether to see people… Will you let me help you?”
Relief seeped into JJ’s chest as she realized the implications of the older woman’s words. She rattled out a choked affirmation and allowed herself to be guided to the black SUV that Hotch had secured for Emily.
-
JJ sat on the edge of the pristine hotel sheets, her pupils unmoving, a tremble faintly detectable under cold, bruised skin. She was vaguely aware of Emily moving around the hotel room, making phone calls, ordering room service, and emptying the CVS packet onto the desk. She approached JJ almost apprehensively, hesitant to cause anymore anxiety.
“The paramedics suggested if you wouldn’t go to the hospital, we should apply some antiseptic barrier cream, and clean gauze. But first, I thought maybe you would want to take a quick shower… wash some of this off you.”
JJ murmured something unintelligible, then slowly shifted her body and gaze, to meet Emily’s. Her mouth went dry, and the humiliation settled in her belly as she went to speak.
“Could you… help?”
Emily gently reached for the buttons of the dark shirt, easing the shirt open as slowly as possible. She sensed the tension and fear in JJ’s body as the cool bathroom air made contact with her torso. Emily’s face remained completely neutral, as she glanced over the angry and raw edges of the electrical burns, visible under the gauze. Tears threatened to form at the corner of her eyes, but she was proficient in hiding emotions. She offered JJ a small, reassuring smile instead. JJ averted her gaze, the tremor in her hand obvious now. She reached up to finish removing her own shirt, before reaching back to unclasp her bra, letting it fall over her arms. She moved to cover her breasts with aching arms, looking up to meet Emily’s eyes for the first time since their arrival at the hotel. She nodded briskly, and once more looked at the ground.
As the warm water tumbled over JJ, she visibly flinched, almost cowering back into the corner of the shower, her arms dropping to her sides; all concern for dignity and privacy lost to the horrors of her so very recent trauma. Emily reacted immediately, pulling the shower head down and holding it to JJ’s chest, allowing her face and hair to remain protected from the water. JJ sighed in relief, although it was almost inaudible.
She watched as Emily reached for a small washcloth and held it under the warm water. There was a moment of inaction between the two, then Emily reached up, and with a featherlight touch, softly held JJ’s chin and brought JJ’s gaze to meet hers. Once again, JJ nodded, then her eyes glazed over, and she stared into the space behind Emily’s shoulders.
Emily felt it was important to get this over as quickly and painlessly as possible; she shook body wash onto the washcloth and rubbed it between her hands to form a lather. She first ran the washcloth along JJ’s right arm, down along to her fingertips, and back up, swooping underneath her armpit briefly, then repeated the motion on her left arm. She inhaled, then brought the washcloth to JJ’s chest, gently removing sweat and dust. As she continued her gentle cleansing of her friend’s body, she felt JJ’s pulse echoing under her breastbone, fast and forceful. Emily felt a pang of pain from her gut and blinked rapidly to stave away her own emotions. It would be selfish of her to allow any distractions. She paused to hold the shower head over JJ’s arms and chest to wash away the soap, before looking up at her friend again for confirmation that she should continue. JJ had long since abandoned any hopes of maintaining privacy, her grip on this had been so fragile before she entered the shower. Too much of her mind had been left behind in the last 24 hours.
“I just want to feel clean, Em, it’s okay. We’re both girls here, right?”
She chuckled drily, no part of her laughter truly indicating humor.
JJ’s nipples protruded through the washcloth as Emily dutifully continued, and the abdominals of her muscles twitched and danced lightly as they too were gently bathed in soap and water. Emily moved as slowly as she was capable of as she gently washed JJ’s stomach, being agonizingly careful to avoid the burn, which stretched from hip bone to her lower ribs. Emily’s hand dipped only momentarily between JJ’s legs, washcloth in tow, before continuing down long, slender thighs. Before rinsing her off, she gently turned JJ around to repeat the same process along her back, butt, and legs.
JJ’s eyelids had become heavy during the shower. She had expected the experience to be hard, perhaps even retraumatizing, but the dedication and gentleness Emily had shown her abused body was overpowering the negatives. She found she enjoyed the gentle touches to her body as her skin was wiped clean; touches she didn’t have to fear or anticipate with clenched teeth. She was relieved when it ended, however, sleep calling to her like a siren sound from the deepest ocean. As Emily reached to turn off the faucet of the shower, JJ all but collapsed forwards into her frame. Emily was surprised, but caught JJ’s exposed and vulnerable body, holding her biceps and guiding her forward onto the bathmat. She made quick work of drying JJ off, aware that JJ may already be suffering the impact of prolonged exposure to cold water. She wrapped a warm and soft bath robe around the younger woman, and without thinking, almost as if on impulse, pressed a gentle kiss to the crown of JJ’s head. JJ sighed in what almost seemed like contentment, a sound that appeared to surprise both women. She allowed Emily to guide her to bed where she found herself being dressed in Emily’s own pajamas – an oversized shirt and soft pajamas pants. The shirt smelled comfortingly like its owner.
Within minutes, Emily had swiftly and deftly applied cream and gauze to the burns across JJ’s abdomen, and helped her friend sit back onto the bed. Emily moved to settle herself against the back of the headboard, before moving forward and pulling JJ to her. JJ collapsed into the open arms of her friend, hot tears pricking at her eyes, breath rasping, lungs burning, fingers trembling. Almost every fiber of her being screamed at her to pull herself together, but she gave into the tiny voice saying, ‘Let her help you.’
Almost an hour passed with JJ slumped against Emily’s chest, her face sticking to the skin just above Emily’s shirt collar, tears trickling down her cheek onto Emily’s chest, and heaving breaths causing her to shudder.
Emily held on. She rubbed up and down JJ’s spine, pressed soft kisses into her hairline, whispering quiet and comforting words, not knowing if they were being heard.
Slowly, JJ’s sobs devolved to whimpers, then murmurs, and eventually the exhaustion of her experiences took over and she relaxed – almost melted – into Emily. Her even breath tickled Emily’s skin, and her legs shifted so both women’s legs were entangled together. Emily protectively held JJ’s head and back, and shifted the two of them down the bed so Emily was also laying horizontally.
“I love you, Jayje. I am so sorry.”