Chapter Text
At Shrek’s…
It was a windy summer morning. The grass had died and the onions were almost ready. Shrek awoke to find his pals, Puss in Boots and Donkey, fighting with a presumed boy-band wannabe and an enormous anthropomorphic pig in an ugly, disgusting stained red dress outside of his swamp window. It had been a long few weeks since he'd gotten his swamp back. He hoped Fiona was doing well, seeing as she married that short imbecile.
“What are you doing in my swamp!?” Shrek shouted through violent, raging tears of his unrequited love. Who could ever love such a hideous, ugly beast? Fiona certainly couldn't, seeing as she never once took a second glance at him. She wanted to get married to that hedonistic Lord Farquaad. So be it, Shrek wasn't going to stop them. He knew better. People always judged Shrek before they got to know him, what a pity.
The boyband wannabe scuttled away with the pig back to Cincinnati— but not before insulting the establishment.
“This swamp is absolutely disgusting,” said the cheap Justin Bieber, Rizzo from Grease, and NSYNC chimera. Puss and Donkey paused. The swamp didn't usually get visitors.
“Get out, before you taste the wrath of Puss in Boots!” Puss shouted, carving a ‘P’ into a nearby tree that he had marked on just a few hours ago. Shrek was never going to get the stench of cat pee out of the swamp. Ogres might like nasty, but enough is enough when it comes to cat waste. Seeing that the whole place stunk, Puss went off to go take a dosh garn bath.
“What happened?” Shrek asked, rushing out of his house and nearly tripping over
“They got away,” Donkey managed to croak out.
“Well, what are you waiting for? Go after them!” shrieked Shrek, shifting chivalrously through his shamefaced, shameful SpongeBob SquarePants duvet cover in shock. “Now, preferably!”
Suddenly, Shrek heard the tooting of trumpets. Darn, it was Lord Farquaad. Shrek died a little inside. That was the man that stole his girl. This was not a manipulate, mansplain, male wife moment. This was a backstab, belittle, boyboss moment. Shrek wasn't about to let the man his love loved know the truth.
“Hello, ogre. I trust you're doing well?” Lord Farquaad asked, flaunting around his wedding ring. Shrek rolled his eyes.
“Well, it's certainly better without those awful fairytale creatures,” Shrek sighed. To be polite, Shrek thought of some way to bring up the past few weeks’ recent events. He was also heartbroken over Fiona. “How was your wedding?”
“It was quite exquisite, not that you'd care; you'll never find anyone. Ogres don't live happily ever after, after all,” Lord Farquaad laughed. “Anyway, I got a noise complaint from some peasants on my Facebook messages. What's that about?”
“Those dirty Cullens were trespassing across the picket fence, so Puss and Donkey chased them out. Now, if that's all, get the heck out of here.” Shrek turned his back and started to walk back into his house.
There was a white picket fence that separated Shrek’s swamp and the Cullens’ mansion. However, if there was a party, that would be one heck of a shindig, although rumors said that there was only one or two of the Cullens that lived in the house nowadays. None other than Edward Cullen and his wife, Elle Woods, a famous lawyer.
People didn't talk about what happened to Bella. Instead of talking about it, the author decided to write it out for sake of exposition.
Long, long ago— about 18 years ago, to be exact— Edward Cullen fell in love with Bella Swan— a talentless, mouth-breathing skank with the personality of a cardboard box— who only loved Edward for the fact that he was sparkly. Bella, getting drastically jealous of Edward’s natural body glitter (and the fact that body glitter became a trend in the later years of the 2000’s) she insisted that Edward turn her into a vampire. Edward wanted to get married first, so Bella agreed, but not after making a fuss. One thing led to another and then Bella eventually died in childbirth. Edward was mortified. The only girl he had ever loved just up and died after his child was born. His dad, Carlisle Cullen, decided to turn Edward’s dead wife into a vampire wife. Edward just wanted his girl back, so he reluctantly agreed.
But did anyone ask what Bella wanted?
She didn't want to be a mother, but Jacob Black took care of the parenting problem. Renesmee, Bella's child, was Jacob’s wife. She wasn't even a year old at the time and Jacob was almost 18— it was a wolf thing, so this wasn't inappropriate at all. Bella also didn't want an emotionally constipated rich boy who was forever 17. She wanted someone big and cuddly to love. Someone that was great with kids. A man that made a living instead of sulking in his room and listening to classical music after school. That someone? James P. Sullivan from Monsters Incorporated. They met after watching Resume sleep at night. Edward was once again heartbroken.
During the divorce trial, Edward fell in love with the sassy and somewhat bimbo-ish Elle Woods, who was his lawyer during said trial.
Seeking a way out of his dancing queen era of being 17, Edward sought the help of the Fairy Godmother, who could do just about anything for the right person— for a small fee, of course. Money could buy anything, and Edward had a ton of it. Fairy Godmother turned Elle into a vampire so she could live out his days with Edward— but not before having their child, which nearly killed your mother. You were half vampire, but you tended to stick more to your human instincts. When you were old enough, you planned on becoming a real human, not some disgusting half-breed, like your excuse of a sister.
The two had been together ever since. The only thing that Edward regretted was that he had to pay alimony and Jacob Black child support (although Rheumatologist was already almost fully grown). Bella lived happily ever after with Sully, helping the scream industry with her awful movies and her scary huge horse teeth.
“Oh, I see. You're still feuding? Not surprising. I'll be on my way now, ogre.”
“Good,” Shrek whispered under his breath, slamming the door on Farquaad’s way out. It was good that fool was out of his house. Steal his property, his girl, and then his right to fight on Facebook Marketplace? My, my, times really have changed. Farquaad left.
“So, are you still upset about Fiona?” asked Donkey from outside the open window.
“Yeah, a little. She doesn't deserve that self-righteous midget,” Shrek scoffed. “I'm just glad that she's happy— even if it's with that air-headed Hobbit.”
“You know, the Cullens are throwing another graduation party and everyone's invited. We could sneak our way in there if we take some of the Happily Ever After potion from that Fairy Godmother,” advised Donkey.
“Good plan, Donkey, maybe I'll meet someone there,” Shrek smiled.
“You better, or you're a damn fool,” said Donkey.
Shrek thought for a moment. He could meet the love of his life at this graduation party. On the other hand, he could also get ridiculed without a disguise. Time to go to the Keebler Factory.
“Pack your things, Donkey. We're going on a road trip. It'll probably be grueling, no doubt action packed, and exhausting. We'll be prepared for it, though. If this is what I have to go through to get over Fiona, so be it— I should've never rescued her from that tower. Much like Farquaad, I'd like to watch the world burn until nothing is left but a few grams of char,” Shrek monologued. It was about time he got over Fiona. She only saw him as some stupid, ugly ogre. Who could ever love such a hideous, ugly beast? Fiona certainly couldn't.
“Alright then. Road trip!” Donkey shouted, joyous of getting his best friend out of the gutter of heartbreak. Being a single queen could be life-changing.
Shrek grabbed his Gucci duffle bag and began stuffing clothes, onions, and anything else on his nightstand to go see Fairy Godmother.
“Road trip, all right. Did you say ‘Happily Ever After’ potion?” asked Shrek, still stuffing miscellaneous things into his duffle bag.
“Uh, yeah?” Donkey said, raising an eyebrow. “What about it?”
“Well, how does it work?” Shrek asked, struggling to zip the overfilled bag. It was torture.
“Get this— you drink it, and then you're sexy,” Donkey added, wagging his donkey-eyebrows at Shrek in a playful manner. “Maybe you’ll meet a special little lady at the Cullen party tonight.”
Shrek's eyes got wide. “Just like that? Still, I really hope Fiona is there.”
Donkey nodded. “Need I explain more? It's a potion that makes you a freakin’ hottie, that's what,” he shouted, raising a brow.
“Well, what are we waiting for? Let’s go!” Shrek replied, rushing to the door in a frantic manner— it was only a matter of hours before the graduation party started. It was a hard candy Christmas, but sorrow wasn’t going to bring Shrek down. He’d just be fine and dandy. Besides, Shrek had enough time to feel bad when he was at home.
“Alright then,” Donkey smiled, just happy to be along for the ride.
At Your Place (I.E, the Cullens’ mansion)...
You woke up to your best friend, Peppa, shaking you. She was dirty— more than she usually was at 10:30 on a Saturday morning.
Naughty girl.
“Oh, get up, you lazy sack of crap!” shouted Peppa through her piggy fits of rage. “I should’ve eaten you along with George,” she said, rolling all four of her eyes.
“What’s your deal this morning?” you asked, tossing over in your bed with a harrumph. You scoffed at her waking you up. You could have gotten at least another hour of sleep.
Peppa laughed. “Harry Styles and I just ransacked that nasty ogre’s swamp. Dumb thing ran outside shouting— it was hilarious!”
“The ogre family that we’ve had beef with for 50 years?”
“Yes, that’s the one,” Peppa replied with a laugh. “Oh, Reader, you should have been there— the ogre even sent his little minions to go chase us out, it was amazing.”
“And you crossed the damned picket fence?” you shouted, sitting up. That was a violation of the treaty. You and the ogres had a white picket fence that separated your contrasting properties. You didn’t go into ogre land and the ogres didn’t go into yours— that was the way it worked… or at least, should have worked. “Do you have any idea what trouble you’ve put the family in, Peppa?”
“No,” Peppa oinked her capitalist snout. “Why would we be in trouble?”
“Dammit, Peppa, don't you know the story?” you asked, rolling your eyes beyond the amount you usually do on a Saturday morning, but so be it.
“No, I forgot,” Peppa snarked. “What happened again?”
You sighed. Of all days, why must Peppa be such an ugly little hoe? “Alright,” you groaned, facepalming. “About 50 years ago, the ogres stole Grandaddy Cullen’s credit card number and bought tens of thousands of dollars worth in onions, bidets, flat-screen televisions, and materials for a picket fence. We never got the money back and had to cancel the card, which caused some turmoil. Afterward, they tried to steal some parsnips from our sacred spice garden, which made us hate them more than those damned wolves down the street. We made a treaty with Cookie the Chef to never set foot on each other's land again, or else.”
Peppa’s eyes got wide. “Crap.”
“Now the ogres have free reign to rummage through our spice garden! Oh, gosh, now they can take Dad’s cumin and thyme! Do you see what kind of damage you and Harry have done? Remind me to kill you when I get the chance,” you said through clenched teeth. Your rosemary’s safety was practically vaporized like that nuclear bomb test in Roswell, New Mexico in July of 1947. Shame on Peppa. It was all her fault.
“Welp, I've got to go,” said Peppa, grabbing a Ziploc baggie of white dust from one of her pockets on her ugly dress. “Withdrawals,” she reasoned.
“Get off the crack, Peppa. It's making you mad!”
“I prefer the term ‘fairy dust’,” Peppa scoffed, drawing lines with the mysterious white powder on the top of your expensive 1836 antique spruce dresser. Little Miss Crackhead McHoepants Directioner needed just a spoonful of sugar to help the awful, painful, existential, depressing medicine of life to go down.
“Fairy dust— whatever. Don't pull a Walter White. Just go, I've got to get ready for Dad and I’s graduation party. This was his last year of highschool ever. This grad party has to be special,” you harrumphed, crossing your arms. “Just go.”
“Fine,” Peppa snorted. “I'll leave. Maybe I'll just leave and never come back.”
Peppa loved manipulating people. After all, she was a gaslight gatekeep girlboss. You rolled your eyes at her again. “Get!” you shouted like you were shouting at a dog to get out of your spot on the couch.
Today was the day. Maybe you’d meet someone at the party. Peppa just needed to stop being so self centered and piglike.
Just then, your father burst into your room just as Peppa was leaving.
“Darling,” he said menacingly.
“Yes, Dad?” you asked, perking up. He wasn’t usually this tense when it came to graduation parties; he’d had over 75 of the damn things.
“You’re single, right?” your father asked.
“Er… Yeah,” you replied, looking a bit confused. Dad could read your mind, you didn’t know why he was asking such questions.
“Are you looking for a man?” Dad asked, wagging his eyebrows at you.
“I don’t love you that way. You’re my father.” Preposterous! What was he thinking?
“What?” your father asked, confused. “No, I don’t mean me— I mean, I found someone you might like, darling.”
“Oh.”
“Well, what do you think of Beavis? I hear he's funny,” Dad replied, nudging you with an elbow
“I'll think about it,” you replied.
“You’d better think of it quickly, I invited him to the party this evening,” your father announced.
Just great.
Later— Before The Party… At Shrek’s…
“Are you sure this potion is going to work?” asked Shrek, sniffing the bottle. Smelled interesting.
“It's the Happily Ever After potion, Shrek. Fairy Godmother said it would work, you should trust her,” Donkey replied. “If you want, I'll test it out. Give it here!”
“Aye… Here.” Shrek forked over the bottle and Donkey chugged half of it.
“Hmm,” Donkey said, put off by the weird and sensational taste of the blue potion. “Tastes weird. I don’t feel any different— do I look any different?”
“No, you still look like an ass. Maybe it doesn't work on donkeys,” Shrek thought to himself. “Give it.”
“Alright,” Donkey sighed, giving the potion back. If only he were a sexy white horse right now.
“Bottom’s up,” Shrek laughed. He gulped the rest of the potion. “Wow. Very interesting taste. It kind of tastes like Vicks Vapo-Rub.”
“That's the best taste, Shrek,” Donkey smiled.
“No, that's onions, Donkey. Vicks Vapo-Rub is second best,” Shrek corrected. “The label says it should take around 15 minutes to kick in.”
“We've got 15 minutes until the party starts, Shrek. Nice going.” Donkey kicked the bottle away from him.
Suddenly, a singular poof of smoke came about, and Shrek was human.
“Wow. You're definitely not going to get caught looking like that,” Donkey said, ogling Shrek’s manliness.
“Well, let's get to that party! What are you waiting for?” Shrek asked, eager to get to the party to hopefully see Fiona one last time.
Another puff of smoke, and Donkey was a majestic white horse instead of… well… himself.
“Donkey, you're not much of an ass anymore,” said Shrek.
“Awww, thank you,” Donkey smiled. Shrek wasn't much for touchy-feely conversations, so that meant a lot coming from him.
“No, Donkey. I mean you're literally a horse.”
“...Oh.”
No room for heartwarming conversations then.
“Where's Puss in Boots?” asked Shrek, looking around for that darn cat.
“Aha! ‘Tis I, Puss in Boots!” the feline shouted, breaking into Shrek's house in an unmannerly fashion. Rude.
“What are you guys waiting for? Let's go,” Donkey groaned, rolling his horsey eyes.
Later… At the Party…
Shrek, Donkey and Puss walked into the Cullens’ front door. Boujee house. Must have taken years of savings to end up with such a big estate.
Edward, your father, was talking with some of his friends from school when Harry Styles, your ex and close friend, came up to him.
“Harry, what is it?” Edward asked, raising a perfect sparkly brow.
“Cullen, it's the ogre. He's here. Best not let Reader see, he's… he's…” Harry chattered.
“He's what? Explain, Styles.” He looked around for Shrek.
“He's turned himself… human.”
Gasp! Fairy Godmother would never!
“Harry!” Edward laughed. “I'm sure that thing just wanted to get into a Cullen party— they're lit. Leave him alone and let him enjoy himself. If he's gone through all that trouble to get into this, so be it.” Edward waved Harry Styles away.
“Fine,” Harry grumbled, crossing his arms and stomping his feet.
“You are a saucy boy, Harry.”
Harry left to go do Jello shots with Peppa.
Suddenly, while doing Jello Shots with two of your best friends, a strange yet familiar face caught your eye, so you went up to go talk to him. This man that gave you a strong sense of deja vu was sitting at the Connect 4 table alone. You walked over and sat across from him.
“Mind if I play a game?” you asked, smiling at him.
“No, no, go right ahead,” the man replied. “I just finished a game, I lost…” he sighed. He looked as if he had no idea who you were. Must have been a drifter, new to town. You'd never seen him before.
“Aww, I’m sorry. I'll go easy on you,” you laughed.
“Gosh, you're pretty,” he smiled. Creepy comment, but he was fairly attractive, so it made your heart tingle a little. “What's your name?”
“Er, Reader,” you replied. “What about you?”
“Shrek,” he answered. “Sorry if this is a little forward, I'm not very good with ladies,” Shrek groaned.
“Uh… Which chip color do you want?” you asked, hoping to get off the topic. You couldn't just marry a man you just met.
“Red, it's my favorite color. What's yours?” Shrek questioned, hoping to start a conversation.
“Green, it's so beautiful,” you answered. Little did you know that you would get very involved with something green. Shrek touched your hand, and you knew this was going to be the start of something great.
“Oh, shoot, I'm sorry, I have to go,” Shrek said.
“Alright, catch you later, Shrek.”
Shrek went off around the corner to where Donkey was. “Donkey, I just met the most wonderful girl. I'm over Fiona.”
“Dang, that was quick. You sure this isn't just a rebound?” Donkey commented. You don't just get over a girl like that.
“Her name is Reader and she likes the color green! It's meant to be, Donkey,” Shrek scoffed.
Harry Styles walked up to Shrek and Donkey. “Are you talking about Reader, ogre?” he said in a vile, threatening voice.
“Er, yes,” Shrek replied.
“Dude, she's my ex and one of my closest friends. Talk to her again and you're dead. I'll turn you boys to men with a one direction swing in the backstreet alley. And I swear, me and my boys will be so in sync that it'll take half a second to wear you guys down. Capische?”
“Wait, she's a Cullen?” Shrek gasped. “Crap.”