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Static hissed and popped through the line. After a few minutes of silence, a heavily filtered and modified voice said, “We have your son.”
Bruce pulled the phone back and stared at it. This was (probably) not Jason, despite his recent penchant for forcing Bruce to prove himself to him, so he bit back a sigh, placed the phone against his ear, and asked, “Which one?”
“Wh-which…?” The kidnapper paused. “Uh, black hair, blue eyes—”
Bruce pinched his nose. Alright. They definitely weren’t local. Maybe they were contracted…? “You’re going to have to be more specific,” Bruce said. Blue eyes at least ruled out Damian, though. That was good, at least—for them.
“Pissed off, kinda mouthy—”
“More,” Bruce said, as he rested his head in his hands.
“...more?”
“More specific than that.”
The kidnapper audibly hesitated. “This is Bruce Wayne, right?”
“Yes,” Bruce said flatly. “What you’ve just said could describe three of them.”
“We have a gun to his head.”
“And I have Batman on speed-dial,” Bruce said as he began to rub his eyes. “Is he mouthy, haha-quippy-jokes, or mouthy, like threatening your family? Or is he giving you a college-level dissertation on the justice system? Is mid-twenties, or younger? Is he average looking, or is he rough around the edges? When you kidnapped him, was he surrounded by a hoard of gingers? Was he on a college campus? Was he alone?”
Again, silence met him. “We need you to wire four billion dollars to the bank account included in the email we sent.”
“And I need a full night’s sleep,” Bruce said dryly. “Look, you’re clearly new at this. It’s a great gig, I’m certain, but I just need to know if I need to send Batman or Superman.”
A gunshot echoed through the line, and Bruce pulled the phone away to sigh. Amateurs, truly. “That was a warning shot. Wire the money.”
“Oh, no, I’m terrified,” Bruce said as he texted Clark. “Quaking in my Salvatore Ferragamos, truly.”
“We’ll give you fifteen minutes.”
Most banks took at least a day to let funds settle. Clearly, this crew of novices hadn’t even bothered to do any sort of planning. “Mm, no thanks,” Bruce said, just as Clark sent him a thumbs up. “Bye-bye now.” He ended the call and leaned back in his chair. Really, what had Gotham turned into, if these charlatans were running a kidnapping?
—
Steve stared at the phone in his hand, mouth agape.
Tim swallowed back laughter. “I told you it wouldn’t work,” he said as steadily as he could manage.
“Shut up,” Steve hissed as he flailed his gun. His hand flung toward Dave. “You said this was an easy gig, Dave.”
“Dude. He’s a billionaire with, like, six kids. I thought—”
“He left him to die . Who the fuck does that?” Steve whirled around to glare at Tim. “Your dad’s fucked up, man.”
“Wow. You’re really from Ohio, huh?”
Steve’s glare moved to Dave for a brief moment. Dave had managed to accidentally bring up Ohio State and the Frat Days when they both thought Tim was unconscious.
“We have murder clowns and sentient crocodiles. You really think you’re anything to be worried about?”
A bullet tore through the ceiling as Steve shouted, “Shut up!”
Well, it had been fun—watching these two idiots play criminal. If Bruce had hung up two minutes ago, then….
The wall exploded into rubble as blue spandex and a fluttering red cape sped into view. In seconds, Dave was handcuffed, and Steve was disarmed and bound. Superman hovered off the ground as he mustered up his mightiest Stern Disapproval and stared pointedly at both men. He blatantly said nothing as he shifted his focus to Tim. “Young man,” Clark boomed, in the way Tim had told him he hated, “are you alright?”
“Absolutely terrified, Mr. Superman, sir,” Tim said flatly.
Clark’s brow raised.
“I’m so grateful you are here to save me,” Tim continued. “I don’t know how I would survive these men’s terribly planned actions. Truly, I’m beside myself.”
Clark’s lips twitched as he visibly swallowed back laughter. In the background, sirens sounded and flashing lights filled the dim warehouse.
“Then, let’s get you home,” Clark said. In moments, Tim was freed and scooped up into Superman’s arms. Clark leveled one last look at Dave and Steve as he said, “I’ll let the law deal with you.”
Wind whipped Tim’s face, and they were suddenly floating high. Silence held for a moment; Tim broke it with, “Thanks.”
A genuine smile broke out on Clark’s face as a few chuckles slipped out.
“Seriously. I was five minutes away from breaking myself out.”
“Bruce found them amusing.”
Tim let out a full-body sigh as he let his head loll back in resigned acceptance. “Of course he would.”
“So, what was their deal, anyway?” Clark asked, and Tim was more than happy to launch into the tale of Steve and Dave, frat buddies turned amateur kidnappers.