Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Please wake up

I thought that he was okay, he had trouble sleeping, he had trouble keeping up in class, he had trouble swimming, but…I never thought that this could happen. The relationship I had with Team couldn’t be held down with words. Yes, we slept together, a few times, but I wouldn’t say we’re friends with benefits…at first it was something like that, even though at that time we were just Nong and Phi. We sleep beside each other a lot, it helps him sleeping peacefully and it helps me. I just feel good whenever I know he’s beside me. I thought it could work out with us, I’m still scared to admit to this thought, but I know what it means. I don’t want to accept these feelings, I’m scared of them, I flirt with him, but am not able to actually go for it. I let him down a lot, but he’s the same. He starts something and ends it just there, not even letting one small slit open for those words, feelings, thoughts.

It was right before the tryout for the K-university swimming competition. He had terrible eye bags, it was obvious, but I couldn’t just force him to come to my room. I could…but I don’t want to force him into anything.

We told everyone in the swimming club that training was canceled on this day. No one was supposed to be at the pool. Late in the evening someone went against our words. When I was walking down the place I saw the lights on at the pool, I thought I forgot to turn them off, I hurried inside, because I just wanted to get home, there I saw it. My heart stopped beating, my body stopped moving, I no longer could take a breath. Someone was in the pool and this someone...it was him. My junior, my boy...Team. Without thinking twice my body was moving on its own, I jumped into the pool trying my best to get down to Team. He was drowning, I don't know how or why, he was one of the best swimmer in the club, so why? My brain had too many thoughts, but the loudest was "TEAM", I shouted after I got him out of the pool. He was not answering. "Team!” I shouted again.

Was I too late, it can't be. How long was he in there? How much water did he choke on? I tried to give him first aid. Mouth to mouth, breathing in, breathing out. Pushing down his chest. "Team, please." my heart won't stop beating. "Wake up!". After a while, which felt like hours, he started to breathe again, but there was no response. I took out my phone to call the ambulance, I don't care what consequences I or he had to face, I just need to make sure that Team was okay. After a short time the ambulance arrived, they took him with them. They put him on mechanical ventilators. Something in me broke, everything hurt when I saw Team in the ambulance. Because I was the one who found him, I was allowed to go with them. I took all of Team belongings with me. We needed them later. The paramedics did everything for Team, but I was just in a trance. What just happened? Was that all just a dream? Why won't Team wake up?

We arrived in the hospital and everything just happened too fast. I felt like moving in slow mo, while everything else just moved past me in high speed. They asked me questions, which I answered as good as I could. I told them how I found him, what I did, what happened the days before the accident and then the question came that made me stop breathing. "Did he ever show any sign of suicidal behavior?" I couldn't answer them, I thought. Did he? No, he did not...he was eating a lot, had fun with his friends, at swimming, but did I ever really saw behind this? I thought I knew it all. I thought I was always there, but what about the time he didn't came to me to sleep? What about all the nightmares? What were they about, I never dared to ask. The nurse touched my shoulder. "It's okay if you don't know, it's just a routine question. Please take a seat, we will soon tell you more."

My head was empty. I called Dean, I knew he was with Pharm. Pharm his best friend, did he knew about anything? Would even Dean know? Manow, his other friend. Would they all know about it...just not me? I felt like I was just a small shadow in his life, even if I wanted to be more. I wanted to be the person he thought about first, always. Pharm called me. I told him that we don’t know much yet and we had to wait for the nurse. He wanted to come right away, but I told him not to. It's late and I have to go too soon. I don't want to leave Team here, all alone. I want to stay by his side, holding his hand but seeing him on all those machines...my heart couldn't take it.

A nurse came up to me. "We still need to keep him on the machine, but we hope that he recovers fast. We will keep him for tonight and call you up tomorrow." Without thinking I talked fast. "You don't need to call me. I'll be right here when it's allowed to." The nurse just nod. "If something hap-pens during the night I'll call you, okay?" Her face showed pity. I felt cold. Nothing should happen during the night, except him waking up and asking for food. I nod and walked off, leaving Team belongings in his room.

I couldn't sleep, there was no way I could. I plugged my phone in and looked at it the whole night. What if...something happens? My body was shaking, it was my fault wasn't it? If I was just there for him more. No, I was always there, tried my best to be beside him, so…why? “Team. What made you do this? Was it on purpose? Was it an accident? You have to wake up, tell me a stupid story to make me laugh. Please.” I didn’t even realize it but the night was over. I could see the sun rising, but the phone was still silent. Did I not hear it? Was it out? I grabbed it quick, but everything seemed fine. I sighed. It was time to go back to the hospital.

My thoughts were blank, what If he was still asleep, what If I lost him? I shook my head, no. Every-thing will be good. I entered the hospital and asked for Team. The nurse told me that he was still sleeping, but everything was normal. I was allowed to be with Team. I sat down beside him, just looking at him like that hurt so much. My heart clenched. Team. I took his hand to squeeze it. “Please wake up.”

Pharm came to visit together with Dean and Manow. Pharm and Manow weren’t able to hold it in and shed some tears, while Dean and I were just watching. Dean tried to calm Pharm down. He’s a good boyfriend, better than I will ever be to Team, no I wasn’t even his boyfriend just someone beside him. Time passed and the three of them had to go, I decided to stay, I didn’t care about school or anything. I wanted to be here when he wakes up.

Visiting hours were over, but I refused to leave. With all my charm I asked them if I could stay with him. I wouldn’t do anything, just sitting here and waiting. After some discussion they allowed me to stay. I smiled softly.

The night was difficult. This would be the second sleepless night, but as long as Team is not with me again I can’t just sleep. I still hold his hand, lean my head on it. “Team, I’m here, please wake up.” I talked to him in a soft tone. “No one is angry at you, everyone is waiting, they want to hear your voice again. Don’t let them wait too long, okay? We still need go out to eat. I’ll even allow you your favorite snack.” I tried my best, but he was still breathing softly without any sign of waking up. Against my will I fell asleep, still holding onto Teams hand.

Someone opened the door to the hospital room and touched my shoulder, I woke up in a bit of jump and hoped that Team was finally awake again. As my eyes were focusing on the person lying next to me I let out a sigh. “You should go home for now.” A soft voice spoke to me, my eyes followed the sound and it was a woman who woke me up. “Are you-“I couldn’t really speak, my throat was dry, when was the last time I drank or ate anything? “I’m his mother.” She said while looking with drowsy eyes on her sleeping son. I had to swallow hard.

His mother, what am I supposed to say? How am I going to tell her that I was my fault…wait, was it my fault? “You must be Win, I guess? Team told me about you when he called me. He said that you were really strict but also a good coach, teacher and senior.” She chuckled, trying to hide her sad-ness. I just nod. “Ma’am I…this. Team, he…” I tried my best to form a sentence, but it didn’t work. I never had a problem to talk about things with others, why can’t I do it with Teams mother?

“I already talked to the nurse, when they called me I did everything to get here. I’m sorry for being late.” I shook my head. “No, it’s good that you’re here. I just wish that…that Team could already talk to you.” Teams mother smiled softly and slowly placed her hand on the sleeping Team. “My son. I was not there for you, again.”

I don’t know what she meant with “again”, but the way her voice sounded broke my heart. I could feel the sadness, the anger, the guilt. It was all that I felt. “Ma’am, I-“, “Please go home for now. You look tired, go eat something and sleep some more. Team will wait for you. I’m going to watch over him, okay?” I wanted to protest, how could I just leave him? I need to be here for him, I already failed once, but I just nod and took my things. Before leaving the room completely I looked back to Team and his Mother. She sat down where I previously sat, holding on Teams hand, bringing it to her forehead and sobbing silently.

There was more to all of this or am I just too emotional?

Chapter Text

The next night I was able to sleep, for only a little, but it was sleep. I sighed as I stood up. Usually I would get ready and walk down to meet him now. Dragging him to breakfast and driving us both to school, but what use is it to even get dressed? I looked around my room, it was so quiet. It felt empty without him barging in, in the middle of the night, demanding to sleep beside me. I shook my head. No, I need to get myself together, I need to be strong.

A quick shower later I took my keys and walked out my door. Inside the elevator I had to hold myself back to press floor 9, my finger was hovering over the number, it was mocking me. I took a deep breath and pressed the first floor. “Soon, I’ll go there again, with him.” I mumbled to myself, trying to give me hope.

My professor called me to talk about the accident. He already talked to Dean about it, but wants to hear more details from me since I was at the scene when it happened. I forced myself to his office, he asked me many question but I wasn't able to answer them better than Dean already did. "How could this even happen? Why was Team alone?" He asked me, I didn’t know what to say.

"I, we told everyone that training was canceled for this day, we can't explain why he was there. We need to wait for him to wake up. But... Please, don't punish him too hard, his scholar ship is important to him." I know that he needs it. The professor sighed. "I know, Dean already talked told me. We’re going to see what we can do about it. We just hope that he wakes up soon. You.. You can go now." He sways his hand in the air, I just nod and walked out. My head hurt, I wasn't able to stop to think about every bad outcome. A sighed escaped me.

"Phi Win." A small voice tried to get my attention, it was Pharm and Manow. I tried my best to give them a small smile. "Phi Dean told me that you were here today, so I prepared something to eat. Will you eat with us, please?" I blinked at him, Dean planned all this, he must have known that I wasn't eating at the moment. "Yeah...sure." We walked to our usual seats outside and Pharm placed a few boxes on the table.

"Here, this is for you Phi Win, this is for Manow and this-" "This is mine." Dean took the box and sat down beside his lover. "Dean." I said looking at him. "Thanks." He looked at me and just nod. He knew why I thanked him, we don't need to use many words to communicate. A few minutes past but I still wasn't able to touch the food, obviously the other saw that. "Is it not to your liking?" Pharm asked making a shy face. He's cute, everyone can see that, but in my eyes his best friend was way cuter. Team. I tried to hold my breath and denied Pharm. "Don't worry Nong, I like it, it’s just..." "Team is not eating with us, am I right?" Manow said and looked at me.

I gave her a nod, they all understood. It’s not just me who was feeling down. Team was one who loved to eat, so sitting here eating without him just felt...weird. But food is important. We need the strength to stand beside him as soon as he wakes up. "Win, eat. It’s no use to refuse food just be-cause he can't eat right now. Pharm will make him everything he wants as soon as he wakes up. You need to chase him afterwards to stay fit." Pharm chuckles. "Phi Dean is right, please Phi Win, eat as much as you need." I hesitated but start eating. It tasted good, I wish for Team to wake up soon, he needs to taste his best friends cooking again.

We sat there for awhile, talking briefly, we ate everything Pharm had to offer. At one point my thoughts where somewhere else again, Dean looked at me and knew. "Win." He said and shook his head, I looked at him and couldn't hold it back.

"Did Team ever talk about dying?". The question was so stupid, I know he never did, but what if... What if we just never saw the signs and he really needed help. Maybe he tried to give us some hints in words he said, in things he did. Both his friends looked shocked first, but then let their heads down. Manow was the first to speak, she was always the louder one so it felt weird that her voice was so quiet. "I don't think he did. He was always happy, ate his food, complained about swim lessons and he talked about you, but..." She stopped.

"We just got to know him here in college, we don't know what was before that. We don't really know anything related to his past or family. We are good friends, always together but I realize how little we actually know about him." Pharm started sobbing. Dean put his arm around his shoulder. "He was always there for me when I was scared, when I cried. He helped me with Phi Alex and was always so happy." Another sob, Pharm had to cry, Manow followed him. She tried to hide her tears but it was impossible.

"It’s not just you guys, he never told me anything. Even though I was always beside him and I still didn't know anything. I thought I did know a lot, but... How could I not see what he was thinking?" I hid my face in my hands. "Dammit! Why didn't he talk to any of us? Why did he just go in there?" My phone rang, I looked at it and saw an unknown number. "Hello?" I answered the call, hoping it was the hospital with good news.. "Win?" A women voice called out to me. "Yes?" I replied. "Here is Teams Mother, if it’s possible could I ask you a favor."

I jumped up from my seat, everyone was looking at me in surprise. "Yes, anything. How can I help?". She laughed a little. "Is there any way I could go to my son’s room?" The others wanted to know what's going on. "Yes, I got his keycard. You can just come by." She thanked me and told me she would come around later. I slowly sat down again, everyone was looking at me, I saw the hope in their eyes. I shook my head. “Teams mother, she wants to go to his room. That’s all.”

I wish I could have told them better news- Pharm put on a brave smile. “I’m sure Team just needs more time to rest and will soon wake up again, because he still need to play his game again and go to swim practice and-“ he tries his best to keep a steady voice but we all could hear his hard swallows, trying to keep the tears away. Dean made him lean Pharms head on his shoulder. “It’s okay Pharm. It’s going to be okay.” Loud sobs where heard, Deans shirt was soaked with Pharms tears.

I saw Manow pressing some buttons on her phone, I guess she tries to distract herself, her tears still flowing down. “Alright. I’ll meet up with Del now.” She said, wiping her tears and her nose. Del, that was Dean’s little sister. They were all friends with her, even Team. We all looked at her, she was strong, but I hope she didn’t hide her sadness too much. I hope she has someone to talk to, even though I always see her and Team bickering with each other I know they are really good friends and they would protect and help each other no matter what happens. She looked at us and was waiting for our reaction, to anything.

We all knew it’s no use sitting here sobbing and feeling guilty, so we decided to split up, but promise to text in a group chat as soon as we need someone. It’s important to stand together now, for Team sake. As we were about to part I could hear Dean and Pharms conversation. “He always did everything to make me smile, why did he never tell me about his problems, Phi Dean?”, Dean held Pharms hand tight. “Not everyone is able to talk about everything, he was there and did his best. Now it’s your time to wait for him and be there for him as soon as he needs you.”

I know that Dean is having a hard time consulting Pharm, but I’m was sure he could do it. They all just need time to understand the whole situation, to accept it, to…accept the best or the worst outcome of it all.

The time went by slowly, I wish I could have gone to the hospital again, but I waited for Teams mother. I picked up my phone as soon as it rang once. “Win, I arrived.” She said in a low tone. “I’ll be right there.” I told her and walked out of my room, downstairs to open the door for her. We didn’t say another word and just took the elevator back up. I saw the number change from 1 to 9. My room is on the 10th floor, but his was on the 9th. Right under my room.

His mother and I walked through the corridor up to room Number 919. I stopped and looked at her. My whole body was cold, his room, without him. I took a deep breath, before I turned around to her, looking in her eyes. “This is his room.” She nodded and I used the keycard he gave to me to open the door. My hand was shaking, it was not easy, nothing was easy since the accident. I don’t want to enter his room, because I know I won’t find him here. As long as he is sleeping he won’t be in here and it scared me that it would stay this way.

Chapter Text

His room, his story

The door slid open, we were both starring inside, not ready to enter. I held my breath, why was it this hard? It’s just Teams room, nothing more. We need to get inside one way or another. My whole body started shaking slightly and I guess Teams mother saw that. She took the first step inside. “So, this is my son’s room? It looks cleaner than I thought it would be.” She lightly laughed while looking around the room.

I let out my breath and stepped inside.

“I helped him clean it from time to time, but I would say he is good at it now.” His mother looked at me and smiled softly. “You are a big help for him. I can see why he always talks about you.” I know she was trying to make me feel better about everything, but it backfires.

The words hit me like a dagger, because all I could think about how I wasn’t there for him when he needed me the most. I got out of my trance to see how she walked around inside the room.

Her first goal was the balcony, she opened the doors to get some fresh air inside. The wind was blowing down some papers that were forgotten on his desk. Before I could react she already bends down to collect them.

She smiled softly while putting them all together again. I want to say something, anything, but my voice won’t cooperate with me, so all I could do was standing there like a statue. I slightly turned my head in her direction wondering why she didn’t move again. She looked at the papers she collect of the ground.

“What are those? It doesn’t look like Teams handwriting.” My eyes followed her gaze and saw what papers she was holding. “Those are mine.” “Yours?” she wondered. I nod.

“I wrote some notes for him, so he could study better. It took a lot of time to know how Team would understand everything the best. This…was the best solution.” I pointed at the notes. “You really did your best, Win. Thank you for being there for Team, really. I know he worried about his studies even thought he never would admit it to us.” She smiled softly again.

After some time she put the notes back to the desk and looked over it again. She stopped.

“Oh.”

Oh? What did she see? Maybe his snacks or some sort of secret? I don’t know what Team was hiding everywhere, sure, I was here almost every day, but I’m not someone to sneak around.

She was picking up something off of the desk and walked slowly to Teams bed and sit down. Her hands caressed the item in her hand. She was chuckling a little, it sounded sad, as I was looking at her I could see her trying to hold her tears.

“Ma'am. Do you need a tissue?” I didn’t know what to say, so I just tried my best to give her things she needs at the moment. She shook her head. “It’s okay really, it’s just…Team. I was too late again.”

Again? What does that mean? Did something happen to Team before? Was it something dangerous? Something similar? At that moment I understood that I know nothing about Team, not even 10% of his life was part of my life and it hurt.

I wanted it all, I wanted Team in my life. I shook my head.

I’m not sure if I am in any position to ask but I needed to know. “What do you mean…again?” my voice was so quiet, did she even hear me? She looked up for a short time and back down. I knew I was prying too much, my hands clenched. If I did know about it, could I have prevented the situation now? I don’t know, I really don’t. There is no possibility that this couldn’t have happened any day.

“I’m not sure if Team told you already, probably not, that’s just how he is, but we’re not his real parents. We’re his uncle and aunt.” She said calmly. My eyes widen. His relatives, but not his parents? I had to swallow hard.

I saw her chuckle again, tracing her finger gentle on the picture frame in her hand. Too confused to speak, I just starred at her, waiting for an answer to a question I was never able to ask.

“We adopted him when he was 5. It was not easy. His parents had an accident and he was all alone.” She gave it her all to keep her voice clean, to not break with every word. I could feel how this topic was not easy to talk about, even thought it has already been years since that day.

A few minutes passed without her or me saying a word. I was able to see the picture in the frame. Two boys. A picture of a young pale boy smiling at the camera with one arm wrapped around a tan boys neck. One of them must be Team and the other- then it hit me.

Again.

Without thinking I stumbled back, trying to keep on standing. Teams mother lifted her head to look at me. “It’s okay, Win. If you’re unwell sit down.” My body was listening to her words and sat down on Teams chair. “This- This boy. One of them is Team, am I right? So… who is-?” I wasn’t able to finish my question, the words were stuck in my throat.

“He is my son. Team’s cousin, his name is Ton.” She smiled softly, revealing another fact to the whole puzzle. “Can…I ask what happened? I want to understand the situation… maybe understand what happened to Team.” I finally asked what was held inside.

“Relax Win, it’s been 10 years since then. I had time to think and work my feelings out. I’m able to talk about it.” She put the frame beside her on the bed. “Like I said, Team’s parents died in an accident when he was 5. No one was able to take him in, but then my son Ton ran up to him, hugging him. We took him in. They were so close to each other. One day they were unsupervised at the pool and-“she had to swallow hard. “Team had a cramp and almost drowned, my son-, Ton. He saved him Took him to the side of the pool but wasn’t able to hold himself up as well, when we adults arrived it was already too late.”

Silence.

I nod after awhile, showing that I understood the situation that happened. Maybe if Ton was a little older, a little stronger he could have saved both of them. If the adults were just seconds faster, it could have all ended up good, but the what ifs are the one thing that will haunt you forever… so maybe….

Maybe Team still thought about the what ifs, maybe he couldn’t let go of the guilt. Was he feeling guilty? He was just a child, but I would feel guilty… I guess. We never know how to feel in situation before we are in exact that situation.

“Please, don’t think badly of him now, it was not his fault, it could have happened any time. It was just an accident. His Dad and I, we were angry first, sad. Team wasn’t able to look me in the eyes for month, but we had time to work out those feelings, the grieve. We’re moving on, never forgetting Ton, but we need to live on.”

I nod. My hands were clenched together, emotion so strong I didn’t know how to react now. Teams mother suddenly stood up. “Win, you have my number now, if you need anything. Really anything, don’t hesitate to call me, okay? I know you will be there with Team, even if we can’t.” I wondered what she knew and what she thought was true about Team and me.

From any point of few, we were just a Phi and Nong, but for the people being close, they knew there was probably more. Especially now. You can’t trick a mother’s eye. “I will. I’ll be beside Team when he wakes up and if you can’t be there at the moment, I’ll call. The second it happens.” She laughed lightly. “Thank you, my son.”

She wasn’t just his aunt, she was his mother.

With tired eyes I watched as Teams mother looked through his stuff a little more. Packing some things in a bag and holding it in front of me. “Here, when my son wakes up he will need new things. Take them to him, okay?” “Yes, Ma'am.” I took the bag from her when she hit me lightly. “Stop calling me Ma'am, call me Mom.” She smiled warmly, making me feel better.

A mother’s heart and love is the one thing everyone wishes to have, even if it’s not from your blood related mother.

We left his room after a few more minutes, saying our goodbyes on the parking lot. I opened the door of Teams car, making sure to always take his car, so whenever he wakes up we can take him home. My hands clenched the steering wheel and I looked into the back mirror.

“I really know nothing about Team.”

Chapter Text

I’m here for you

The day after Teams mother told me the story about her biological son and Team it was difficult for me to visit Team. Not because I think he did something bad, but I feel like, this time it was me who is at fault.

It was my responsibility to take care of my juniors in the club and it was me who was the closest to Team…I think. We were always together during club hours and inside our dorm rooms. We studied together, watched movies, eat together, we even slept together in one bed. Day after the day it was just us. So why couldn’t I see what Team was going through? It made no sense to me. This guilt is eating me up inside. We all hope that Team wakes up soon and nothing is wrong with him.

Everyone knows that looking up things on the internet is stupid and you should talk to people who are professionals, but I looked up what could happen to Team after his near drowning. Every word hurt.

Irregular heart rhythms.
Brain damage
Post-traumatic stress disorder.
Memory loss.
Poor judgment and motor coordination.
Coma.
Dea-

A loud bang echoed through my room, after I slammed my phone on the table. I need to stop, stop imagine the worst result. Team is okay, he will wake up and nothing is damaged. Nothing.

The ticking of the clock irritated me as I stood up to walk to the front door. It’s time to visit Team. Even after two weeks we still got no good news. It was tiring, but we were together and keeping us up. Pharm was always with Dean and Manow. They visited Team together, always bringing another favorite food for Team in hope he will smell it and wakes up.

Whenever they enter the room I was already waiting for them, sitting beside the sleeping Team. Sometimes holding his hand, sometimes brushing his hair out of his face and sometimes just starring at the wall.

I knew how they looked at me, I knew that they saw how I felt about this boy on the bed, but I just had eyes for him. Every waking second I was hoping for his eyes to open up. I wait for him to smile at me and to pout at me.

It’s been 2 weeks and 3 days now since his accident. The doctors say his condition is good, but he refuses to wake up. We just have to wait. Waiting is all we do. Pharm and Manow were about to leave, waving a good boy to me and the sleeping boy. The shut closed. I sighed, it was exhausting, everything is tearing at me. I just want to be there for him, but does he even want me here. I will never know.

“Hey, if you don’t wake up soon, I’ll sell your car and your clothes. You will be naked and won’t have a ride home.”

No response.

“I thought about a hell of schedule for your next practice, you need to get in form again. You won’t get any break.”

No response.

“Pharm and Manow won’t share their food with your again. We won’t even help your with English, you gotta deal with it yourself.”

No response.

“No more movie nights, no more studying, no mare swimming together, no more sleeping in the same bed cuddling and feeling the comfortable warmth.”

No response.

“No more- No more glances full of feelings we didn’t knew how to name.”

No response.

“No hugs, no small kisses.”

No response.

“If you would just wake up, I wouldn’t need to think of a future like that, Team. A future without you.”

No response.

My hand brushed Teams. It’s warm but it feels so cold, without emotion. I don’t want a future without him. Why won’t he understand. “Even if you don’t want to be in my future, I’ll always be in yours, so wake up and let me tell you what to finally call those feelings.”

Everyday I talked to him, keeping him up to date of everything. He can’t miss out of Dean’s and Pharm’s love story, about Manow finding a new crush every day, about me missing him.

I looked out the windows to see how the sky was painted in a red orange color, telling me it’s time to go home again. Each day this time hurts the most. What if I’m not here when he wakes up…or when he never wakes up again. I don’t want to hear about it over the phone, I don’t know how to handle that situation.

I stood up from my chair, taking my phone and jacket. My hand patted Teams for the last time today as I felt something I never felt before in the last 2 weeks and 3 days. His finger it twitched. I let my phone and jacket fall to the ground.

“TEAM!?”

No response.

“Team, I’m here, open your eyes. Everyone is waiting. Please.”

No response.

“I know you can hear me, I know everything is good with you. So, please open your eyes and tell me I’m right, I’m always right, you know that.”

No response.

I gave up. There was nothing more, his hand stood still like frozen in time. His eyes closed like always, slow breathing. My bodies slumped down. Just once, do me a favor and wake up. I picked my, now broken screen, phone and jacket up-

A groan.

I let my things fall down again, shooting my body up to see Teams eye twitching. Slowly opening up. His beautiful eyes. They’re open again.

Chapter Text

The door opened and Team’s mother entered the room. “Team. My son.” With a shaky voice she called out his name. The one being called out looked up and was put into a tight hug. “We were so worried. Day and night we could only thought about you.” She tried her best not to cry again, but everyone could see the tears swelling up.

Team used all his energy to pat his mothers back, once, twice and then stopped. He didn’t say a word, he was just listening to her voice. She wouldn’t stop going on about how worried she was, how glad she was that he’s awake again. Everything a mother who loves her son would say.

“It seems like everything is going alright. I would like to keep him here for a few more days to make sure for no follow up issues.” The doctor talked to his mother and Team, looking down on his notes. The sighed should make everyone happy. Team is awake, the doctor is sure that everything is going to be alright, but I can’t feel happy.

As the doctor left the room, his mother once again tried to talk to Team. “Team, I hope you’re really okay. Your Dad and I will always be there if you need anything, alright? Never hesitate to talk to us. We both love you dearly.” He nod and gave her a soft smile from time to time, but in the span of hours he wouldn’t say a word. His mother just accepted it as something like shock. He still needs to understand the situation, everything that happened was just too much, she will give him all the time he needs.

But I know it’s not about shock…

Team’s mother left the hospital before night time, making sure to promise to come back tomorrow morning. She didn’t want to leave, but she had to due to work related things she already pushed back the past few days. She sighed big, finally seeing her son awake again made her calm down again. I made sure to tell her that I would be there for him the whole night. He wouldn’t be alone.

She left the room and I followed her with my eyes, standing in the door frame. My hand finally un-clenched. I closed my eyes and thought about the moment of Team awakening.

Earlier this day.

His eyes were twitching until they were open again. “Team! Team you’re awake!” I rushed to his side, holding his hand close to my heart. My smile was so bright and big, it almost hurt, but when I looked at him I felt…weird.

“Hia…” He’s talking, that’s good. “Yes? Team? Are you okay? Does anything hurt? I’ll call the doctor, just wai-“

“Why am I alive?”

I was stunned, couldn’t move a muscle. What did that mean? Being alive was good, right? Being alive meant everything…right?

“Why…?” My voice sounded shaky, I couldn’t hide my fear of what would come next. Everything that his mother told me and the question I got from the nurse the first day Team was in the hospital… it was always in my head, never leaving.

“I should have drown.”

Teams eyes looked at me with no light. He had no life in them. My hand still holding his was gripping them stronger, being afraid of the sight I could see.

“Team, I saved you and brought you to the hospital. Your mother and father they were worried. Pharm and Manow…Dean, they all, they were waiting for you to wake up again.”

“But I didn’t want to wake up, Hia.”

I slumped down on the chair beside his bed, letting go of his hand. His dark eyes still looking at me making me feel guilty for saving his life. I didn’t want to accept the thought I always had in mind, but his word, they…they were so strong, giving me the answers I was always looking for but never wanted to acknowledge.

He wanted to die. It was no accident.

Present time.

I turned around to look at Team, he was looking out of the window. I wish I would know what to do now, but I never had to deal with this kind of situation. Never had it ever crossed my mind to just end my life, so how would I be able to understand his mind. I could pretend to understand, but it would never make him feel better. He will know that I’m clueless. He’s smart.

“I’m sorry.” A small voice came from the boy sitting on the bed. “Please, don’t be sorry. Team-“ “I didn’t want to drag you into it. Just… forget it, okay? Pretend you never heard my words, pretend that this never happened. Just…see me as me before this day, okay?”

I didn’t know what to say. It’s obvious that it won’t change things if we pretend that nothing hap-pened. It wouldn’t change a thing to just move back to the day before it. I want to help, but does he want help?

Chapter Text

“And if you need anything just call me or Dad, okay?” Team mother caressed Teams cheek as she softly told him. He nod and gave her a smile. “Now that I know that you are doing better I have to go back, but I’ll be right here if you need me. I promise, so don’t even hesitate. I mean it Team. I also got Wins phone number, no use hiding.” She pointed with her finger at him, playing an angry, scolding mother. “I love you, son.” With a kiss on his forehead she walked out the door. “I already miss you. Bye, my son.” She playfully held back a tear while waving to her beloved son on the hospital bed. Team, he just nod and smiled. He didn’t say one word the entire time, but his mother just accepted it, as she was not planning on forcing him to talk yet. It must be difficult to him to understand everything, so she thought.

During the whole interaction I was beside them, standing near the window, looking outside and back to them. I wasn’t able to say a word. Since the day Team woke up I wasn’t able to bring up his words again. I didn’t know how. They were weighting like stones in my body, keeping me low. Just as I was about to say something the door was opened.

“Team, we’re here for you”, Manow yelled a little too loud for a hospital visit. “Manow, this is a hospital”, Pharm tried to calm her down. “Team, we got something for you.” The smell was amazing as he held a box to Team, probably filled with Teams favorite dishes. I thought he wouldn’t say any-thing… he didn’t even look like he would react, but suddenly he looked at them and “Manow, Pharm. This smells amazing.”

His smile was big, his whole aura seemed so bright. He took the box and opened it, it looked like he would tear up. “Pharm, I missed your food so much, you have no idea how bad hospital food is compared to your from heaven send cooking skills.” Every word he said sounded like praises. All three started laughing. Team ate, slow. He- He never ate slowly and then he stopped. The box was still full. Everyone was silent for a short time. “You stomach must not be used to such good food yet.” Manow laughed, Team and Pharm followed her laugh.

Yeah, it must be that, right? I looked at those three for a long time before my head turned to the door, where I saw Dean. He gave me a sign to follow him so I walked up to him. “Come with me, I want to talk to you.” I just nod. As we walked out the door I looked back shortly to see how Teams face went from happy smiling to emotionless when Manow and Pharm looked at each other. Team…

“So, what’s up?” I asked Dean, scratching the back of my head. “What’s up? What’s up with Team? Did he tell you anything about the accident?” I shut my mouth tight. Was I allowed to just talk about it? Team told me to forget about it, but it’s Dean. He’s the captain, my best friend, the lover of his best friend, his senior. Should I lie and say it was just an accident, because he wanted to practice, but what if he will do it again. Wait… is there a possibility that he will do it again?

I probably was silent for too long, because Dean hit my arm. “Punk, he told you something, right? Spit it out. It’s no use to hide it.” I took a deep breath. “But...he told me to forget about it.” “WIN!” I jumped a little. “Whatever he told you is not something you should just forget, it doesn’t matter if it was an accident, he will get his punishment for it, but if it wasn’t an accident, then we need to do something.” “What could we do, if he doesn’t want the help?” I clenched my fist and put it to my heart. I couldn’t hide my angry, messed up face. There were so many thoughts, so many feelings inside me and I didn’t know what to do with them. As I realized what I just said I looked at Dean with wide eyes.

“So it wasn’t an accident?” I denied. “He…told me, no he asked me Why am I still alive?” my voice was shaky, saying it out loud again made it so real. I didn’t want it to be real again. He told me to forget, but I couldn’t, it was replaying in my head every minute. Dean took a second to think “It doesn’t seem like Pharm or Manow know about this. Does his mother know?” “No, only me. He didn’t talk to his mother and just talks to Pharm and Manow about other things.” He gave me a nod to show he understood the situation. “I guess all we can do know is asking him if he want out help. You know, Pharm goes to a therapist, after I helped him. It only worked out, because he wanted the help. If Team doesn’t want it now, we can’t do anything about it, we can just… be there for him. You understand?” I was startled. Pharm is seeing a therapist, that was the first time I heard of it. “Yeah, I thought the same.” We stood outside the room for a little longer, until Pharm looked for us.

“Phi Dean, you wanted to talk to Team too, didn’t you?” the short guy asked his lover while smiling softly. “Yeah, thanks.” Dean patted me on my shoulder before he went back inside. Pharm looked after him and then to me. “Uhm, Phi Win? I’m sorry but I heard a little about your conversation… and uhm. If you need the number of therapist, I could send them to you.” I sighed. “Yeah, that would be great, thanks, but don’t tell anyone, okay?” He gave me shy nod and went back inside.

ARGH! I wanted to punch a wall. The feeling of hopelessness is overwhelming. There is this guy in a hospital bed after a, most likely, suicide attempt, but I don’t know how to help him. This guy, my junior, the guy that I have feelings for. Feelings that scare me so much that I can’t put them in words. Everyday I’m scared to lose him, does he know how others think about him? How can he be this self- No, it’s not that, he just doesn’t know what else to do but this. We need to help him so he can help himself.

I went back inside the room, seeing how Manow and Pharm talk to each other and Dean is talking to Team.

“- suspended for a few days up to two weeks.” “Suspended?!” I was alarmed. “Hia, it’s just about swimming.” Team said in a small voice. Dean gave me a judging look and turned back to Team. “Yeah, he will be on break for at least two weeks, the teacher said it’s because of the accident he caused, but it’s more for him to recover completely before starting to swim again. If he’s lucky he can still join the tryouts, but I’m not so sure about it yet. Time will tell us more.” I was shocked, he wanted it so badly and now it could happen that he can’t take part in it. “Team, that-“ “It’s okay Hia, it was my own fault for being an idiot. I should have listened to you that practice was cancelled for this day, but I was just so nervous and thought I needed more practice.” He laughed a little.

So, this is the story you will tell everyone who asks you, huh?

The room was filled with laugher and smiles the whole day. I wish it would always be like that, but I know what will happen soon. It happened every day since he woke up. The sky got dark and the three started to pack their things. “Team, you can get out tomorrow, right?” Manow asked him. He gave her the biggest smile possible. “You bet I will. I want to sleep in my bed again and don’t want get woken up in the middle of the night to get tested. Look at my skin, it’s so bad because of my messed up sleep schedule.” “Said the one who slept for over two weeks.” She gave back. “Those two weeks doesn’t count!” He stretched out his tongue and so did she. “Yeah, yeah, stop fighting. We will see you tomorrow Team.” Pharm pushed Manow to the door as he waved goodbye to Team and me. Dean looked at both and nod, but he gave me a second nod and I understood.

I could see Teams big smile until the door closed. Just as a button was pressed his whole mood changed. This is what I meant. It always happened. He was only happy and without sorrow around others. I already know his thoughts, so he didn’t try to hide it more. I wasn’t sure if I should feel good about the special treatment, I wished he would show them. I stood near the window again, like I always did when everything got silent. “Team-“ I wanted to say something as I heard a faint voice from him. First I couldn’t understand what he said. “What? Could you speak up a little?” I walked beside his bed leaning down a little. He looked down to his hands on his lap.

“Hia, I’m sorry.”

“Why are you sorry?” I was confused and scared, but I tried to not show it.

“You can’t forget it , right? I’m sorry that I’m a burden to you. I wish you didn’t saved me back then. I’m sorry that I’m being selfish.”

I grabbed his shoulders and made him look at me. “Team! Don’t ever say that again, please.” I was angry, sad but more I was afraid. “I will save you every time, no matter how often I need to.” “But why would you do that? Hia, I’m no one special!” he looked at me with tears in his eyes.

“You’re special. So fucking special, to me you’re the most special person I know.” He just looked at me with tears in his eyes. I put my arms around him, just giving him the hug he deserved. “It’s okay, let it out. Cry as much as you need to.” I patted his head, trying to be as gentle as possible.

“Hia, I’m nothing special, I shouldn’t be here now.” He wouldn’t stop crying for a long time, but that was okay, because I was here for him. Always. He will be save in my arms.

Chapter Text

It was finally the day for Team to go home. “Do you have everything?” I asked him again checking his bag for the tenth time. “Hia, I already tol you that I packed everything there is nothing left in this room that belongs to me.” He sounded annoyed, but I just laughed. “Just making sure, I don’t wanna have to go back here. You know, for like a long, long time.” And I wish you would never have to come here too, I thought. I never want to see him suffer like this again.

We walked to his car in the parking lot, throwing his bag in the trunk and sat down in the passanger seat, like he always did whenever we drove together. “Want to go eat somewhere before going back?” I looked at him while sitting down, putting my hands on the steering wheel. “No, I’m not hunrgy.” “Not hunrgy? You? Are you sure? I’ll even allow you your lays.” He shook his head. “No Hia, I ate earlier and those meds they gave me kinda make me lose my appatite-“ he looked down and then at me “Ah, but I already told them and as long as I still eat regulary they told me it’s nothing to worry about. I don’t have to take them for a long time, just for two weeks.” I gave him a nod. “Alright, I’ll just make sure to always eat with you, Breakfast, lunch, dinner, so you can’t even forget to eat.” He sniggered. “Fine, but only good things.” “Pharm will probably spoil you rotten, don’t worry.” We laughed together and drove back to our dorm.

Back in his room I helped him putting his clothes back into his closet, making sure everything is organized. He walked up to his desk, standing in front of it for a few minutes before I even realized it. “Team?” he didnt move. “Did Mom come in here?” he asked, it must be about this photo. The past she told me about. “She did.” I wouldnt lie to him. “And she-“ “Ah, that makes sense, it does look too clean. She must have been in shock seeing my room. She always was worried I would go under in my trash and dirt.” He laughed and turned around jumping on his bed. He doesnt want to hear it, I decided to talk about it when he wants to, I won’t force it onto him. “Hia, thanks for everything...really.” he gave me a soft smile, it made me melt. I do really love seeing his smile. His chubby cheeks, his lips going thin as he puts them into a smile. “Always. For you I would do it again and again.” I could see his cheeks brighten up, he must be shy.

As we were done unpacking his things I looked at the clock. “It’s pretty late already, let’s eat dinner and then go to bed early.” He stood up and walked to his bag taking out his medication. “Uhm, Yeah sure. Let’s eat.” He said while looking through his medication. He took one, a bottle and gulped it down. “You want to sleep in my room or should we sleep here?” I gave him the chance to decide. “Uhm, Hia I... I would like to sleep alone, is that okay? I mean, I got used to sleeping alone and I still got the sleeping meds, so I don’t really have any problems right now.” I could only see his back while he talked to me, it made me kind of sad. “Yeah, sure. I mean...you can always come to my room if you want to and you know that, right?” He turned around and nod. “Yeah I know, Hia. I still got your keycard. Don’t worry, I’ll go disturb your night whenever I need to, I promise.” He grinned at me. “You’re not a disturbance, stupid. Now come, we gonna go out to eat. I’m too tired to cook now.”

A few day passed and Team really slept alone every night. We went to eat together every time and, as before, we drove to and from school together. It was like nothing happened, the only difference was that he couldn’t swim with us. He was still suspened from practice. He sat down on the spectator area. The first day he came to watch us his friends and club member, the ABC gang, went up to him “Team! We missed you so much, Phi Dean and Phi Win were so strict to us without you.” I could only hear them because they were so loud. Standing beside the pool and surronded by the juniors made me unable to follow their conversation any further, I could only see how Teams face tried his best to look happy and it seemed like he apologizes for something. I guess the ABC gang is bombering him with questions...I sighed.

After a week we sat in his room, working on his project to catch up on his lessons. I looked through his books to find the correct word for him as he was writing down his answers to a question. Without looking up to him I started talking. “You know, it’s been almost 4 weeks since that day.” I shut my lips tight. Damn, I didnt want to talk about this, it just came out of me, I thought while looking up to see his reaction, but he kept silent not moving a muscle. If I didnt knew it better I would say he didnt hear me, but suddenly a tear fell down on his notes. He was crying. “Team, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to, I uhm... forget I said that.” He still didnt say a word just silently crying. He wouldn’t stop writing, I watched him for a few minutes, the tears falling down, the pen leaving ink on the paper. Suddenly he stopped writing. “Hia.” He said, sounding like he was having a cold. “I don’t think I can use this paper anymore, it’s unreadable.” He said holding his paper up, the ink was smudged with the tears and snot that fell on it. I just nod, took it and gave him a new one. “Do you want a tissue?” he nod. I gave him one. “Maybe, you should calm down for now, before working on it again. I promise I won’t mention this day again, okay?” I wasn’t sure if it was triggering him or if there was something else bothering him now, but I would try my best to not make him sad.

He just gave me a nod and continued to work on his paper after a few minutes. I wish he would talk to me, the tears were evidence enough for me that there was something wrong, but he was still not ready to talk about it.

A few days passed and it felt like the days before the accident. Team, Pharm and Manow were going to class and talked like always. We all ate together, I would help with his school work and he would keep on watching us practice. Soon he will be allowed to join us again. His smile and happiness returned even in front of me. He was making jokes and talked about stupid stuff to me, but I noticed that he put the photo of him and his cousin away again. It seemed like he tries to forget about it again, to not think about it. I had to accept it. His mother would call me from time to time to check on us, not just on Team but also on me. She felt like I needed someone to talk to too, after what happened with her Son. I was thankful.

I sat on my bed scrolling through my phone one night as I was about to go to bed, but I felt like something happened. I felt uneasy, but I couldnt name this feeling. My head started hurting, I was hesitating on calling Team. What if he was already asleep, what if everything was actually okay and I would disturb his night, but what if... My hands got cold, I didn’t want to imagine anything. After a few minutes that felt like hours I decided to call Dean, to ask what he thinks I should do or If I’m just overreacting, but my heart stopped beating when my phone vibrated and I saw Teams name on the display. Hia, He texted me. I fcukde pu im sorrey, he misspelled the words, but I understood them clearly. Without thinking I grabbed his keycard and run upstairs, I had no time to wait for the elevator.

Almost out of breath I swung open the door. “Team? Team where are you?” I shouted inside, the room was empty. Where was he? Then I could hear sobbing from the bathroom. I got inside just to see a crying Team on the floor holding a towel against his underarm, my breath stopped. It felt like enternity before I was able to move my body again. I slammed down to my knees pressing the towel on his arm more. “Team, what happened?” He looked up at me with red, teary eyes. “I’m sorry. Sorry.” He kept on apologizing not telling me what happened.

After a while I dared to lift the towel to see what I assumed it was, bloody cuts. At first they didn’t look deep but he lost, what seemed like, a lot of blood. Who knows how long he sat here trying to get the courage to text me. I wiped his tears away and made him look at me, while pressing the towel back on his wounds. “Team, Team. Look at me. It’s gonna be okay. I’m here, you will be finde. Everything is okay, you hear me?” He nodded, still crying. I hesitated to call an ambulance, I wasn’t sure if Team was able to handle it right now, it seemed like the bleeding would stop soon so I decided to just stay with him like this for a little while longer.

Lifting the towel up again, we were able to see that the bleeding stopped. I stood up to wet the towel and clean his wound. Except of sobbing he didn’t made any noises. “Team where is your first aid kit? Any band aids?” I asked him he just pointed to the bathroom cupboard. Wrapping his arm with a bandages, I tried to be as gentle as possible. Making sure to not make him feel even more guilty.

When I was done nursing his wounds we just sat on the bathroom floor, not saying a word, Team still sobbing. He was not in danger for now, but seeing him like this did hurt a lot. “Hia.” I looked at him, his first words. Finally. “Yes?” I hoped he would talk more to me. “I’m sorry for causing you trouble again. I...I didn’t know what to do and then-“ he started sobbing again and his words were caught in his throat. “It’s okay, please stop crying.” I hesitated on giving him a hug, because I had no idea how he would react to a sudden embrace. He moved his one hand slowly in my direction, so I assumed I was allowed to hold it. I took his hand in mine and carefully brushed my thump against his skin.

“Team, please tell me what happened... I thought it got better when I saw you the last few days?” I just wanted to help him, I almost lost him again, he almost gave up again. Everyone of his friends and family would do everything to make him stay and I’m the one who is right here by his side. “I...nothing got better. It never did.” He said under his tears. This hit me like a punch in the face. It never got better? But he was happy, it was like befor- was it good before? When did those thought of ending his life started? The thoughts of all this? My head was thinking of hundreds of different things at the same time. We never knew about anything, so who said it started with just that day?

“Team, but... I thought that everythings got better. I mean, it’s just a few days before you can swim again and then you would be able to take part in the competition again. Everyone is on your side and-“ “That is the problem Hia. I’m not the one who should be even here now. I stole it all. Everything I achived, the scholarship, my parents, my friends, my life....you.” I didnt understand. “What do you mean? Obviously this is all because of your hardwork. You did it all on your own. Everything you did was a lot of work.” I tried to show him the good side of his life, but I made it worse. “I only got this far, I only was able to achive all this because the one who would be my rival in all this is dead and I was the one who killed him.” He sobbed again, taking his hand back. I tried to hold it tight but he used a lot of strengh to get it back.

“I don’t understand Team, what do you mean?” my brain didn’t work, nothing made sense what he said until I remembered the day his mother came into his room together with me. “Mom told you, I know she did. My brother, cousin. I’m to blame for it all.” “She said it was an accident, it was not your fault, Team. You know you were just unlucky. You were children, there should have been adults around...” Team stayed silent for a little while, trying to fight back his tears and hiccups. “It was me who basically forced him to swim with me, if I didn’t had the cramp he would be still alive... I killed him.” I shook my head, “No, that’s not true. Please, calm down first.” I reached out to hold his cheeks, making him look at me. “Hia, I’m scared to hurt you too. I can’t take everything away from you too.” I wanted to tell him that if he really ended his life now, he would take the most important thing from me, but I couldn’t bring the words out of my mouth. Instead I looked in his eyes, they were red and full of tears. “I stole his whole life, it would have been him in this university. He would fight for the gold medal to be a professional swimmer. I always told myself I would win a gold medal for him to make him proud to fullfill his dream, but I’m a liar. I’m just living his life.” He stopped shortly to breath in and out hard.

“He would be so much better. I’m a loser, useless. The only thing I’m good at is being a failure.” Now I understood. The things he held back. “Team, you did not steal his life, nor are you a failure. You had an accident in your childhood and got some weaknesses, like any other human too. You’re so great in other things.” I thought I could help him with my words, but I realized how he started scratching his bandage. I grabbed his hand. “Team stop it! You gonna open up your wounds again!” I yelled out loud. “Hia, I can’t do this anymore.” I’m not a big help. “...was this your first try?” I asked him hoping for a yes, but he looked at his arm and slowly opened his mouth. “It...was not.” He said, my heart stopped beating. “I knew these thoughts were too much so I tried to look up some help from the internet, but every comment I found, they all talked about how they hurt themself and regreted it, but it made me just wanna do it, with the thought that it would work for me.” Each word stabbed me more in my heart. “How?” was all I could managed to say. “...at first I only did things to hurt myself-“ his words were stuck in his throat, I baraley understood them. “there are so many ways, cutting, bitting, unsafe sex with different partner-“ he stopped when I looked at him. “Was this the reason you accepted my offer...?” I never thought that us getting intimate was his way to hurt himself. He nod. “In the beginning it was...” I swallowed hard. In the beginning so maybe that changed, but what was more important now... “Was the accident back then, your drowning, a way to just hurt yourself or...”

My hands were cold, his body was cold. “I coudn’t stop thinking of the upcomig competition and how P’Ton would be so happy about it, that I wished even more that I was the one who died. I just wanted to practise on this day, but at one point my whole body just gave up and then you found me.” I took my hands off of his cheeks, they fell to the ground. “So it was true. You wanted to end your life, just like this.” He looked down, not saying another word. He must have said all there was to it. The accident, the guilt, the pain, the end he wished for himself. My head was empty.

The room was filled with silence. Neither Team nor I said another word. Minutes passed. The air felt heavy, all I understood from this moment was that Team felt guilty for everything, he thinks so bad of himself and is afraid to destroy the lifes of everyone around him. I want to help him. I want to be there for him, but with everything I try I could make it worse, because it seems like I’m the one of the people he didn’t want to hurt. I took all my strengh together, for him, for me, for us.

“Team, please hear me out.” He looked up from the ground, not saying a word, tears still streaming down his face. “I...back in the hospital I talked to Dean. I never told him anything I just asked him for phone numbers, for contacts. I’m not sure if you knew, but Pharm is seeing a therapist and Dean gave me a few names.” I stopped for a little while to let it sink it. Team looked at me with a blank stare. I guess he didn’t know his best friend was seeing a therapist. “Please, I could tell as often as I need to how important you are to everyone around you, that i was not your fault and how you should not feel guilty for any of it, but I can’t do it.” I grabbed his hands again. “Would you try to talk to a therapist please?”

Chapter Text

It’s been a few hours since the incident in the bathroom of Teams room. With care I stroked his cheek, I could see his eyes being red and puffy from his crying. He was so beautiful, but the sadness is something I don’t want to see on him. We were laying in his bed, his head on my arm. Slow and silent breaths could be heard from Team, he finally fell asleep after a long crying session, he really needed this sleep now.
I closed my eyes thinking back on what happened earlier.
“Would you try to talk to a therapist please?”I asked, hoping he would give me the answer I wanted to hear. His big eyes were on me. “I don’t need a therapist, everything is fine.” My hope crushed. “Team! You need someone, something. This can’t go on any longer, do you really want to end up dead?” before I could think I yelled at him. I slowly fell back, while he looked at me not saying a word. This is something he didnt need now..or is it exactly what he needed. Someone who throws the harsh reality in his face? Would I be the one to do it? Is there anyone else who could do it?

I stopped my thoughts, taking his hand again. “Team, I’m sorry. You’re important to all of us and you must know that this,” I was showing him his bandage on his damaged arm. “This can’t go on longer. You’re hurting yourself in so many ways and I’m not sure if you even look for something to help you out of it. I want to be there for you, but I can only to this if you let me. And if you don’t want me to be this person to help-“ I stopped, taking a big breath and letting go of his hand again. “Then maybe Pharm or Manow...or anyone else. Just someone will hopefully be the person for you.” I didn’t really care who would be the one beside Team, as long as there is someone who can help him get out of this spirale, to help him understand himself.

“Pharm is seeing a therapist?” he asked after a short time. I gave him nod. “About his fear of loud noises?” I didn’t really knew, I just knew there was something. “I don’t know, maybe there is more about it, but that is the job of a therapist to find out. To uncover the reasoning behind the fear, the pain and then give you ways to deal with it, to heal it.” Team looked at his arm, at the bloodstained towel and then he looked at me. “Hia, I’m... I don’t know. Everything is just swirling in my head and I-“ “It’s okay, don’t apologize. I just want you to understand that you don’t have to do it alone.”

He slowly stood up from the floor, still unstable on his feet and then looking down on me. “Hia.” He said, I stood up trying to show my strengh, but before I stood straight he swung his arms around me, burrying his face in my chest. “I’ll try to talk to Pharm, I promise. Please, give me time.” My arms went around his back, pressing hit tighter into the hug. “You can do it Team. Pharm will listen and understand too. I’m sure he will. Pharm loves you, you’re his best friend.” I tried my best to give him the courage he needed. He loosened the hug and looked into my eyes. “Thank you Hia, for everything. You’re annoying me so often, but no matter what you’re always there for me. I’m sorry for everything you had to go through because of me.” He tried to give me a soft smile, but I could see how his mouth was trembling, so I gave him a warm smile. “Obviously I would be there for you, I mean I lo-“ no, I can’t burden him with this too now. It would be too much. “You’re special to me.”

He nod and looked shyly around himself, he took my hand. “Hia, can we...clean up later and just go to bed. I’m tired now.” His voice was still so small and not what I was used to. “Sure, it won’t run away, come.” I gently walked him to his bed, made him lay down and turned around, but he “Hia. Stay here. I don’t want to be alone now, not for the next times. I’m tired of not being around you.” Wow,what does that mean?, I thought but never asked out loud. I just laughed a little. “I wasn’t about to leave, I will stay.”

And now we are here, him on my arm, sleeping soundly and me worrying about everything. I’m happy he choosed to tell Pharm about it and ask for his help, but I still feel jeleaous that it couldn’t be me. To hell with this stupid feeling, I shouldn’t care who he goes to for help, as long he will get help. I don’t want to lose him, never. During this few months he grew so dear to me, I couldn’t imaging another day without him. I want him to talk, walk and be beside me everyday.

Once again I stroked his cheek, it was so soft, he lost a lot of weight while he was in a coma, but his cheeks were still chubby, that’s just how his body is. I loved it so much. I wish I could kiss his soft cheeks everyday. He was still sleeping, no wonder, who knows how long he didn’t really sleep. Maybe he never really took his meds? Maybe he only slept like 2 hours every night. He was fragile and alone. I should have just force myself into his room again and stay by his side 24/7.

I sighed. My mouth formed a smile looking at him.

“I love you, Team.”

I said while giving him a soft kiss on his forehead, leaning down on my pillow I closed my eyes and tried to get just a little sleep before we go to school again.

The next morning came and Team gently brushed his fingers through my hair. “Hia, wake up.” He softly mumbled. As I was opening my eyes I could see him leaning close to my face, feeling his breath against my lips. Not sure how to react, I gave him a soft smile. “Want to give me a morning kiss? How do I deserve this?” I jokingly said, but was suprised when he actually put his lips on mine. It was no deep nor long kiss, but it was something I never thought would happen, my heart was racing. He pulled back and gave me a cheeky smile “Just for today.” He was nothing like yesterday in the bathroom, his whole mood changed, I’m no expert, but maybe that is normal to have extreme mood swings in an episode? We will know more about his whole state if he gets the help he needs and deserves.

He got up and left me perplexed back. I let out a snicker. “Damn, you brat.” I said while getting up. “Want to eat breakfast here or at school?” he was taking out clothes and then turned around to me. “Pharm told me he would bring us something. We gonna meet at school.” He walked close to me, his mimic changed to something like worry. “Hia...can I take a shower with, with this?” He held out his arm. Oh. “You can, but for now try not to wet the bandages. Here let me wrap it in something for now. You need to take care of the wounds, so that they can heal probably.” I only know about it so much, because I always had to treat my younger brothers wounds whenever he played football or fell from his bike. He nodded and waited for me to wrap his arm, his new clothes in his other arm.

I went upstairs to take a shower and change clothes too, we said to meet up downstairs again to drive to school together. As I was getting down he was already waiting for me, his soft smile giving my heart a few more beatings. I truly love him, I thought while waving at him. “As fast as ever.” I joked and he hit my arm.”You’re just too slow, Hia.” We were getting in Teams car and made our way to school. Per arrival we ran into Dean and Pharm who also just arrived, together.

“Team, P’Win!” Pharm ran up to us, hugging his friend and waing to me. “Good morning, nong, Dean.” I said, Dean just gave me a nod. It was like every morning. We walked to our usual table and there was already Manow waiting for us, as she saw us she waved almost with her whole body. She had such a sunshine energy and for that she was loved. We all sat down, talking about typical stuff, eating our breakfast provided by our dear Nong Pharm.

It was a good morning, everyone together and happy, but I couldn’t stop seeing how Team slightly shivered from time to time. His whole body vibrated, his face sometimes lost his smile. He held his wounded arm strong, trying not to held it up too much, too afraid they could notice. I put my hand on his tight, making sure that it’s going to be okay, he was not alone. I nudged his side with my elbow and looked at Pharm. He gave me a nod understanding what I wanted him to do.

Everyone was ready to leave for their thing. “Oh Team, you’re allowed to practise again today, right?” Manow asked. Both Team and I stood still. Swimming, with the wounded arm it was impossible for now. He coudl do it, but it would be too early. Team looked heplessly to me, not sure what to say. “He can’t. I mean...we talked to his doctor yesterday and due to some medication he still has to take it will take a little longer before he can actually work out and swim.” “That’s so sad, you were looking forward to it for so long.” Manow was sad on Teams behalf but he was just nodding and giving a soft smile.

“So, will you go to club now evne thought you can’t participate or what do you want to do, Team?” Manow asked again. He shook his head. “I’ll still go. I want to watch and maybe help taking the time or something, just being part of the team is enough for now.” His words were right. He was part of the team and no matter what we would want him there. Manow smiled. “That’s what I wanted to hear, good job Team. I’ll go to my club now thought.” She patted his back and then said bye to everyone making her way to theater club. Pharm wanted to go to, but Team stopped him. “Pharm...could I talk to you before you go.” Pharm obviously nod. ”Sure, always, what’s wrong?”, Pharm couldn’t figure out what Team was about to talk about, so he looked at him and then to me. I just smiled. “I guess Dean and I-“ but before I could finish my sentence Team intefred. “Please stay. I can’t do it alone, Hia. P’Dean... I want you to stay to, in behalf of Pharm”. Now those two wanted to know what was wrong that we all had to stay.

Chapter Text

We all sat down again, this time it wasn’t our usual mood. No laugher or saying stupid things. The air felt serious, so was the situation.

“Team? Is something wrong?” Pharm put his hand on Teams. He must feel how cold he was, how much he shivered, how afraid he was. We all could see it, but I knew he would be able to jump over his shadow and talk about it. Team looked on their hands and then up to Pharm.

“I- You, no. Wait let me start again. Uhm.” He tried his best to start what he wanted to say, but nothing was good enough for him. He started to look around fast, nothing he could focus on. I wanted to hold his hand, making sure he could feel that everything is going to be okay, but for now this was Pharms job. “Breath, slowly. No matter how long you need, I’ll be here for you.” Pharm was an angel and I could understand why Dean was so in love him. My eyes wandered to Dean who proudly looked at his boyfriend and then curious and, somehow, knowing to Team.

Pharm slowly caressed Team’s hand with his thumbs, doing everything to calm Team down. He took a deep breath and started again. “Hia told me about you seeing a therapist,” Team was so nervous, his voice was shaking. Probably also because he knew how weird it was that I told him that and not Dean or Pharm himself, but Pharm just smiled softly at him. “Yeah. That’s correct.” “I think, no...I mean, I want to try to talk to one too.” Teams eyes showed confidence, he was looking at Pharm with determination, but also with underlying fear.

Pharm just nod, he probably understood to not ask and just help. “I can help you reaching out to one, but no matter what the thing is that is keeping you down, you must know that not every therapist is the one for you. I had to change a few times, before I found the one who could help me.” Team nodded slowly, he was scared. “It’s nothing to be emberrassed about to change again and again. Everyone will be proud of you that you reach out for help.” Pharm smile was so soft and warm you could sunbath in it. It was the thing Team had needed. But he slowly got his hand out of Pharms.

“D- Don’t you want to know why I need one?” “Do you want to tell me? You don’t have to tell anyone if you don’t want to. Not me, not P’Dean, not even your parents. It’s just you and the therapist you will trust.” We all were silent, Team had to take it all in for now. He held his arm, trying to scratch it, without thinking I wanted to grab his hand. I feared he would reopened his wounds again and everyone he doesn’t want to see, see them.

To my suprise he pulled up his sleeve and showed Pharm and Dean his bandaged arm. “I got a big problem. I can’t tell you what it is now, it’s deep down and it’s suffocating me. The last few days, after I woke up from the coma, were horrible.” Pharm couldn’t hold back his emotion, he reached out, softly holding Teams arm and tears were falling down. “Team.” His voice was shaking, Dean looked normal, but I could see how he tried to hold himself back. He must be as shocked as Pharm and I were. “I wanted to- I was able to reach out to Hia, before anything happened, but I’m not sure if I can do it again. So, please help me getting out of this hole.” Now Team started crying, he wasn’t able to hold back anymore, the tears just flowed.

Pharm took him into his arm, holding him thight to his chest. “I’ll help you Team. I’m here for you, always. I don’t know what you went through, but please trust when I tell you it’s going to be okay again. Everything can be better someday. You’re never alone.” I don’t know what Pharm went through in his childhood to be like this, but I knew he could be trusted with his words and so did Team. He could feel how true his best friends words were. To my suprise I could see Dean’s mimic change, he even reached out his hand, he layed it on top of Pharms back. They were made for each other. Soulmates, if you would ask me. I just wish I could say the same for Team and me.

Pharm gave Team a few numbers and names, Team was lucky to have a friend like Pharm. Someone who will be there for you no matter what. As I was in my own thoughts Dean bumped against me. “Are you okay?” I was suprised, why would it matter if I’m okay, it’s about Team. “Yeah, why shouldn’t I? I’m just here to help Team.” I smiled softly, but somehow it didn’t feel...real? I guess Dean thought the same, but he kept silence.

“Thank you Pharm for...everything.” Pharm hugged Team with all the love he had for his best friend. “Team, no matter what, you can always come to me. It’s also okay if you will have more bad thoughts, I just hope you will reach out for someone then.” Team nod his head, he really want to change his life. “Will- Will you tell Manow too? Or do you want me to do it? I mean, she’s is also your best friend and-“ “I want to tell her. I just,” he took a deep breath, “I just thought that I first need to talk to you, because if you would understand me and be there for me I thought I could trust all of my friends with it. I can’t explain it, but you’re so special to me, Pharm.”

Pharm smiled and his cheeks turned a soft red. They had a different kind of soulmate status. They were meant for each other.

Pharm and Dean walked off first, leaving Team and me back. “So, you want to talk to her now?” I asked him, hoping to not pressure him into it. “Yeah, I’ll text her first and ask her and Del to meet me for a little. She will be furious. I’m sure of it.” He let out a little laugh. “She will be like ‘Why didn’t you tell me anything!’ and stomp her feet to the ground.” I let out a little laugh. “Yeah, that’s just her.” Not even a minute after Team send her a message, she called.

“Let’s meet in front of the theater club.” She said, not asking for the reason for the talk. I guess she already had an idea what it could be. She was sharp when it comes to these kind of things. “Do you want to go alone?” He nodded. “I don’t want to hold you back more, Hia. You need to be at practise. I’ll be alright. I already talked to Pharm and Dean, Manow and Del won’t be a problem now.” I wanted to argue, but I let it slide. “Alright, just come to the club when you’re done, then we will go back together.” I nudged his back a little and then walked off.

I just hoped I did the right thing to let him go alone, but Manow and Del were good girls. He can do it. He is so much stronger than before.

Time passed on, every member of the swim club already left, but I was still waiting outside for Team. What could take him so long? It’s been an hour. How did Manow and Del react? Were they mad? Is Team alright? I brushed through my hair, it was still wet from the shower I took after swimming. My eyes were tired, I just wanted to sleep. Sleep with Team in my arms, save and sound. I didn’t even realized how tired I was. When was the last time I actually had a good night?

All I ever had in mind was Team, since the day I found him in the water. My eyes closed a little, my head was falling down, but my body was still sitting upright. The wind was calming. Sound of students talking in the distance. Everything was so calming.

Walking into a room, my hands were shaking. I could see water on the ground, so much water. It turned red. A dark red. What was happening. The door won’t open. It wasn’t locked, but it was closed. I slammed my body against it, it wouldn’t budge. I tried to scream, something, words, a name. My throat hurts. My body aches. The blood wouldn’t stop leaking out under the door frame. My eyes were burning, tears streaming down. Hot and wet.

“-ia. Hia.” I jumped up. “TEAM?!” Team loooked at me puzzled. Did I fell asleep? Was that a nightmare? What...was I even dreaming about? “Are you okay, Hia? I’m sorry that it took so long, after I talked to Manow and Del, a teacher wanted to talk to me about my studies and I-“ I hugged Team. I had to feel his warmth against me now. “Everything is okay, Team. Don’t worry.” I hid my fear behind his back. I can’t show him. I can’t make him feel guilty. All that matters was him now. I just need to think about him.

Chapter Text

“Are you really okay, Hia? You know just because of me you don’t to hide your feelings...” Team looked at me with his round eyes, I wish I could tell him. Scream it out to him, how scared I am, but I won’t. I turned my face a little, still keeping track of the road in front of me, and gave him a little grin. “Don’t worry. I’m just tired and it was a little cold, you were warm.” My voice was steady, right? It must have been, because Team just nod and faced forward.

“So, how did Manow react?” I wanted to change the subject, not me but him. “Oh, she..uhm I also talked to Del. They both had some kind of hunch, they cried a little but told me how brave I must be to be able to tell them. They made me chuckle a little. I never thought I would have such good friends. I don’t think I deserve them.” My hand clenched the steering wheel. “You do,” Team looked at me puzzled. “You do deserve them, you deserve it all, you worked for it. They love you, because it’s you.” I didnt want to sound angry, but somehow my voice was so deep and cold. “Yeah, I’m sorry.” The atmosphere got cold and quiet. I’m an idiot.

We arrived and without saying anything to each other we went inside. Because of the way we were I was about to press the 10th floor after the 9th, but Team held his hand in front of it. “Don’t leave me alone now, please.” He didn’t look at me, just these words, quietly like a whisper, my hand fell down. “I won’t.” I finally managed to show that I care, my words were warm, full of love.

Despite the warm weather outside, it was pretty chill in the corridors, I could see Team shiver a little. We didn’t say a word the whole time until we got to his room. The door closed behind us and I put him into a tight hug. “I’m sorry for earlier.” I wasn’t sure if it even was something I needed to apologize for, but I did. All these emotion, thoughts everything are so heavy that I don’t know how to use them, how to unpack them. So I just throw them around hoping they were end up somewhere where they belong.

Team didn’t move,just letting me hug him more. Some time passed, I thought maybe he didn’t want this hug and was just not able to reject me, so I tried to let go, but as soon as I moved just a little he stopped me. “Stay.” His voice was just a whisper again, I could feel my shirt getting wet and warm. He was crying. How stupid of me, again. Doing things that are the opposite of what I wanted. So we stayed like this, again not saying a word, not moving. Just him in my embrace.

I brushed Team through his hair, it was soft. He let out a heavy breath and moved away from me. I could see him being afraid to look me in the face, but i resured him that it was okay. “Are you okay Team? Was it something that I said...or the situations today? Maybe it was too much for one day?” He denied it. “No, you were right with what you said and telling my friends today, it was something I had decided on my own. It’s just...I feel so weak. You must be right, I do deserve my friends, but the voice in my head...they’re so loud. Telling me that everything is fake.” He put his hand on his head.

“It’s always so loud. ‘You don’t deserve them’, ‘they’re lying to you’, ‘Just stop already’. Stupid things like this, always.” I took his hand, trying to calm him down. “The voice is wrong, so, so wrong. Team. I don’t know much about all this, but trust me when I tell you that I, we love you. Your friends, your family, everyone. And despite your mistakes in the past you became a wonderful person who does deserve all the good things that happened to you.”

He tried to accept it for now, trying to ignore the voice in his hand. We went to bed, his head was on my chest. He was so warm. Once again I brushed through his hair. “Team, you’re so special to me, don’t ever forget this.” He smiled and gave me a nod. I wish I could say it was more than special, the only person for me, but I’m a coward.

Without knowing we fell asleep. It was, despite everything that happened during the day, a calm night. I guess, him talking about his thoughts made him relax a little more and help him sleep more peacefully. Even I was able to have a good night, because for the first time in over 4 weeks it was just...calm. Never had I thought that it won’t last long.

The next few days Team tried to call therapist, making appointments. Even was able to go to a few already, just to check in for the first time. So far not one was the one for him. “He’s not specialist for my problem.” “She said she won’t be able to help me.” “She was a private clinic and I wouldn’t be able to pay for it.” Team said about a few. It’s frustraiting, it has become more normal for people to see a therapist, but it was still so complicated to find one.

I wasn’t able to help him, I offered him to pay for them, but he refused. He didn’t want to spend my money and I couldn’t force him to.

Each and everyday became more stressfull. The teacher talked more to him, trying their best to keep him updated, he studied more and more, talked to more therapist, was with his friends, called his mom and dad and even went to swim practise to help and watch. He had not one free minute. I could see him getting paler and paler. I had to stop him.

One evening I tried to talk to him about it while we ate dinner. “Team, you keep to calm down a bit. It feels like you’re forcing yourself too much.” “I’m not, Hia. It’s just everything I have to do now.” I sighed. “Listen, it’s okay to study, I’m helping you with it, you could also ask Pharm and Manow to help you then you already have studying and friends together. If you do that the teachers won’t pressure you too much.” I looked at him, he wouldn’t say a word so I continued. “Also, you don’t have to come to the club while doing all this. I mean, just-“ “You don’t want me there?” He looked at me angry.

“What? I never said that, listen. It’s just stress for you right now, that you don’t need and I-“ “I understand, you think I can’t do this, because I’m too weak, my head is full of thoughts and I’m a danger for myself so you try your best to keep me in a cage.” He throw his fork on the table. “That’s not what I said. Team, you’re not weak, I just want you to calm down a little before you-“ “Before I do something stupid again, right? That’s all you think of me now! Team who tried to drown himself, Team who hurt himself, Team who tought about it over and over again and wan’t to end it all and-“ he coudlnt speak more, the tears were streaming down his face.

Oh, now I understood. “Team, you’re doing your best. Everything you do is enough. Yes, I was afraid of it all, all you said, but I never thought of you as weak.” I stood up and walked beside him. “I can see it in your eyes, in your behaviour, you walk on eggshells when you’re with me. I hate it.” I really did that. It was wrong of me, he was still Team, not some doll that could break if I’m too harsh on it. I put my hand on his shoulder. “I’m sorry. I know it was wrong of me, but it’s the first time for me too and you’re so spe-“ “Stop saying special, I don’t want to hear this anymore.”

I had to swallow. “But..what am I supposed to say then, you’re special to me.” His face was full of tears, his eyes angry, he slapped my hand away from his shoulder and stood up. “Say the words you say when you think I’m asleep. Those words you’re too afraid to say out loud. I want to hear them. I want the Hia you’re afraid to show me. The Hia I can lean on, without being afraid that with one wrong move he vanish. I want the Hia I love.”

I was frozen. The words I’m afraid to say. The feelings i never admit? All those times, when I thought he was asleep, where I told him what I was feeling deep inside, he always knew? I looked up to him. My eyes were widen. “What? Got something to say, Hia?” Teams tears won’t stop, his voice was more calm now, but I was, I was the one who was scared now.

“Team, I’m afraid of it.”

Chapter Text

“Team, I’m afraid of it.” I didn’t know what to do, he knew about my feelings, but I still wasn’t able to accept them completly. I was too afraid that I will hurt him more with those deep feelings inside of me. Team looked at me, hoping for me to say more. My hands clenched together, I bit on my lip. “I-“ the words were stuck. I tried to breath, but it was difficult.

Teams tears stopped and he sat down again. He dryed his face with his arm and started eating again. “Sit down, Hia.” I was puzzled, what happened just now? “I can’t force you to be brave enough to act out the feelings” he said. I coudln’t stop staring at him, how was he so calm now? A minute ago he was so angry, furious, crying and now...he was so calm. I sat down again, still looking at him.

“Hia, I accepted my feelings a long time ago, despite everything that is going on in my head, the first time I heard you say you love me, I didn’t know what to do. My heart felt like it would jump out of my chest, I was so happy. I wanted to jump up and kiss you, but at the same time I was afraid. I thought ‘Why would he say it when I’m sleeping? Is it really how he feels, or just a fleeting moment?’ so I never did anything.” His calmeness suprised me so much that I wasn’t able to react to anything he said, so I kept on listening.

“I was waiting for you to say it to the ‘awake me’, but it never happened. You did so much for me, always saying how special I am to you, but not once you were able to say that you love me.” I could see the pain in his eyes, but he kept going. “Just once did I want to hear it, you are one of the reason I have the energy to do all I’m doing now, but everyday it keeps getting harder. I can’t have a free minute or my thoughts will be too loud again. Don’t you understand Hia?” He looked me straight in my face. “My love for you is keeping me going, but will also be the end to me.”

My face must be pale, my voice was stucked, I wanted to vomit it out. I was his energy and his downfall. I always had hunch, but I never wanted to accept it.

Team smiled a little. “It’s okay, Hia. I just want you to know that, whatever you choose to do and whatever happens to me...never blame yourse-“ “don’t say it like that!” He jumped a little, I guess he didn’t expected me to yell something now. “Huh?” was all he could get out. “You made it sound like you will end it all again...You need to keep living with or without me...” was this really what I wanted to say? I don’t want him to have a life without me.

He chuckled. “I know, that wasn’t really what I meant... It’s just, we won’t be together forever like this and who knows what could happen in my future. So I want you to not blame yourself if anything ever happens.” “You’re pressuering me now.” “I know.” He put a piece of chicken in his mouth. “You forced me to choose the right way, so now I’m forcing you to choose whats best for you.”

He munched on more chicken, while I couldn’t even breath probably. “What if-“ I started. “What are you afraid of Hia?” That suprised me again. What was I afraid of? So much. I thought. “Everything.” I finally said. “But there is nothing yet, so what could be this ‘Everything’.” I looked up into Teams face. “That... what if I’m hurting you more and more? What if those feelings were never real? What if-“ “Hia, nothing happened yet. How will you know now? Yes, you hurt me a lot already, but the moments were you were savepoint, my calmness were much bigger, much stronger than anything else.” Team’s word were so strong today, I never saw him like this.

I chuckled a little, “Were you talking about this with your therapists?” he formed a little smile. “Maybe.” Damn, I never thought he would talk about something like this there, but I guess that it is something important to him, in his life, so it was obvious he would talk about it. My thoughts were interruppted “Hia, I can’t free you from your bad thoughts, or you fears, but I can’t assure you something.” He stood up and sit down beside me again. He took my hands in his.

“I love you, Hia and whatever your decision is won’t affect anything what’s gonna happen to me in the future, do you understand?” Letting him go to a therapist was probably the best decision ever. I had to hold back my tears, I freed my hand and hugged him. “I’m sorry for everything. All the pain I let you go through because of my stupid behaviour. Team, you’re so special to me that I was afraid to make it more. No one ever made me feel like this. My whole personality and appearance is scaring for many, I was so afraid to hurt you.” He patted my back. “It’s okay, Hia.”

I let go of our embrace and looked him into his eyes. “Team..” He smiled softly at me, swimping away a fleeting tear from my eye. “Can you give me a little more time. Just a day or two. I need to get myself together... I-“ “I’ll give you all the time of the world as long as you will say it to me once in our life.”

This boy means so much to me, he makes me feel things I never felt before. Without thinking a closed the distance between us and kissed him. Soft and innocent, like it was our first kiss. I know I shouldn’t do it now, not before I finally accepted everything of me, but it was so sweet so tender. He kissed me back, making me feel even more emotions inside my chest.

When we let go of each other lips, we looked at each other and just enjoyed the silence. Team moved forward again and pecked my lips just a little. “Give me the words soon, Hia. I’m not getting younger.” This cheeky boy.

Chapter Text

Each and everyday I thought about how to accept my feelings. I knew they were there since long ago, but it still made me afraid. I could only think about the ‘What if’s’. Team never pressured me, but at the same time he did everything possible to be by my side. Making sure I understood those feelings.

One kiss here, holding hands there. Cuddling on the bed while watching a horror movie, so he could enjoy me flinching at every sound. His soft laugh beside me, his soft cheeks brushing my arm while snugging up to me. I love this boy, so why can’t my brain accept it. Why can’t I stop being afraid.

I know he loves me, we complete each other.

Team has been going to a therapist for almost 2 month now. It went from once each week to twice a month. He is nowhere good but better. Sometimes I see him dissociating and the best way to get him out of it was taking his hand. My touch makes him realize where he was. He will always look at me with a sad smile and whipser a ‘Thank you, Hia.’

Sometimes I catch him looking at sharp objects or the deep water in a way no one should look at it. It frightens me, but I want to believe he will be okay.

One day I talked a lot to Dean about everything. “Why are you still hesitating? Just go with it and if things happen you can talk about it. It’s not like you can’t solve problems together.” Dean was right, I knew that. “I know, but what if-“ “Oh shut up. Stop with the ‘What if’s’. What if you never go for it and he runs off with someone else and you have to watch him being happy with another one? How would you feel?” I couldn’t answer him. It would destroy me, I was sure of that.

The talk went on for a longer time, just us talking back and forth, me always looking for excuses. Dean sighed more than he ever did. “Fine, go do what you think is the best, but don’t come running back to me.” He hit me while laughing softly. He was gentle with me even though his words were sharp. “I know. I got this...somehow.” “To think that you got so many rumours and people being attractiv on you, but here you are not being able to go with your feelings.” This and that are different things.” I laughed while taking out my phone. It was late, so I wanted to call Team asking if he was already back at the dorms and if he want to go out eating.

One ring.

Two rings.

He didn’t pick up. “Is Nong Pharm with Team?” I looked back to Dean, he shrugged. “No, he is at home, cooking for him and me. Why?” “Oh, nothing big, just Team won’t pick up his phone.” “Don’t worry, just go back and find him in your bed sleeping.” “Yeah, you’re right.” That’s something that happened a few times already. I was looking for him and he was sleeping in my bed. When he wakes up he would look at me cutley and whisper “Hia, I waited for you.” He was too cute.

I walked back to the dorms, I couldn’t say why but I walked fast. Something made me nervous. When I reached my door I hesitated. Team is okay, he is working on his problems, I thought to myself, but the uneasiness wouldnt go away. I opened the door and saw him sitting on the floor, at first glance everything seemed fine, he was writing something, but then I could hear it.

He was crying.

“Team? What’s wrong?” he didn’t look at me when I called him. I made him turn around to me, looking at his tearful face. “Hia.” I hugged him. “I’m here. Everything is okay.” We stayed this way for a little longer, Team calmed down and I let him go. While drying his face he started talking.
“Don’t worry, Hia. Everythng is fine I was just writing a letter.” “A letter?” He nodded. “It’s homework from my therapy. I’m supposed to write down my feelings and what is good about me, but...nothing comes to my mind.” His eyes got wet again. “Everything about you is good.” “Is it really?!” Team got a little louder.

“I know there must be good things about myself but whenever I think about something I find reasons why they aren’t. Hia, I can only see the bad things. My friends are talking behind my back, I know it. They are only with me because they’re forced to. I forced myself on them. My parents, they never wanted me. I must be the worst if the only person who ever said he loves me can’t face me for real.” Damn, we tried everyday to show Team how much we love him, but how can he really see it when I can’t face him.

I took his hand and he looked at me. “You’re not the smartest guy I know, you’re pretty clumsy and only think bad of yourself, but only because you can’t see your beautiful smile, hear your soft laugher. You don’t feel the love you give to others, you can’t see the efford you put into everything and the only person that you want most to love his a scardy cat. I’m sorry to not being able to show you how important and loved you’re to everyone of us. I love you Team.”

I said it, “I’ll accept my feelings now. I’ll take everything, all the ‘What if’s’ to be together with you. To not fear the next morning, the next morning. I want to be with you each and everyday. I want to laugh, fight and live with you. You’re my everything, Team. The person human being I ever met.”

He looked at me with a blank face. He must think I only say this to make him stop crying, but every word I said was true. Team threw himself on my chest, hiding his face. I patted his back and saw the letter on the desk, reading the few words he wrote.

‘The good thing about me is that I fell in love with Hia.’

Chapter Text

It’s been months since that day, the day Team gave up on everything, but also the day we realized that there is so much more and that we are good enough.

We went through hardships but also through so, so many good moments. We cried, laughed and swam, but the most important part is that we did it all together. Not one moment we had to do it alone. If it wasn’t Team or me, then it was N’Pharm, N’Manow, Dean or anyone else around us. This friendgroup held together and they were there for each one of them.

When we told them about us, they let out a heavy sigh and just shouted a ‘FINALLY!’ in my face. I guess it all was depending on me in that situation and I was just the biggest coward of us all. To be honest, that was okay with me, because now I was able to fight my inner demons and be with the person I love. I was able to be me and not hide anything.

Also, Team. Team was beside me, not just walking along with me, he held my hand. He gives me strengh in any kind of situation and so do I for him. We were holding each other up and were able to fight for ourself because of the other.

Even though Team is going to face another hardship of his life now, he knows he can count on so many people. He has friends, classmates, teammates and me.

I finished my 3rd year and am now in England, but Team still knew that I was there if he needs me. He is now the club president, the one kicking juniors in the ass and he is doing a perfect job. One day he will be the perfect coach.

At first we thought us being apart might be a problem, we still had our arguments and bad days, bad nights, but once in awhile when we can embrace each other it feels like we were never a day apart. This love is deep and warm.

When I got back from England he was waiting for me, his soft smile greeting me at the gates of the airport. He held a sign up it was written in english, this cheeky boy learnt a lot in just one year and the things is, I was so happy that he did, because now not everyone will know what he wants to say to me. It was just for me alone at that moment.

‘Hia, welcome back. I was waiting for you.’

It was nothing special, something you would read everywhere, but just thinking of the events we went through, I was just so happy that he waited, that he gave me a chance, that he was Team.

Everything might sound too good to be true right now, but even thought a lot of good things were facing us, we still had the bad days. The days were Team was crying hysterically, the days were he wanted to give up, turn back to his isolated slef. The days were I was unsure about everything, the days I thought he would be better off with someone else. Bad thoughts, depression, anxiety won’t ever leave us completly, but we’re working on it to make it less and less.

Team still goes to his therapist at least twice a month, he is doing so much better.

Now we are standing here, right in front of our house, holding hands. It’s been 3 years since then. Each and everyday I thank god that I was able to see the lights in the pool, that I was able to get Team to the hospital in time. That WE were able to get through it all.

“Hia, you good? I want to go eat, stop staring at the door!” Team pulled at my arm, he was the same little guy I fell in love with, but sometimes I believe he loves food way more than me. “Stop pulling, I’m coming.” With a smile I stepped into our house.

I closed the door softly and gave the love of my life a soft kiss on the lips. “I love you Team.” Team was suprised he didn’t expected this, but instead of calling me ‘stupid’ or just doing his usual ‘Hiaa!’ he just smiled and gave me one kiss back.

“I love you too, Win.”