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She had shed the last tears she would ever shed for Lin Shu.
Since the day Nihuang drew a wooden sword and thrashed the bully who mocked her for not being able to embroider a lotus flower, she became less of a damsel and more of a soldier. When her sword cleanly cleaved through an army captain's helmet without harming a single hair on his head, the soldiers knelt before her and called her a warrior. By the time she returned from the borders, the people hailed her as a champion.
Nihuang's fingers briefly touched the edge of the still-pristine piece of paper that carried Lin Shu's final words. Although everything was permanently imprinted in her mind, she couldn't deny the contentment that touching and reading the paper brought her. Picking up the piece of paper, Nihuang read it again, savoring every character that her eyes slowly drifted over.
The familiar characters recalled his fondest memory of her and recast their pledge to unite in their next life. The language was simple and effective, as if Lin Shu was speaking directly to her. The handwriting was steady and the words resonate with life, but Nihuang knew Lin Shu was only doing what he did best: sacrificing and neglecting himself for the sake of others.
He'd been that way since she knew him.
The beginning of their story was marked by the day Lin Shu grinned at her and tossed her the hazelnut cake she'd been eying from the prince's tray. Prince Jing had frowned when the last piece of his favorite treat was taken away, but he'd lived by the principle of 'what's mine is yours' since the day his story with Lin Shu began. Plus, Lin Shu purposely allowed him to win a fight in front of his father later and all was forgiven.
By now, Nihuang didn't dare claim that Lin Shu loved her. Love was selfish, possessive and demanding; love needed to be selfish, possessive and demanding. Lin Shu loved her, but it couldn't have been love.
Nihuang knew, because she loved Lin Shu.
When she was younger, there was one or two times when her heart fluttered shyly and she'd wanted him to come home to her and their children, boasting of victories for the country and bearing praises from the people. But more than anything, she'd wanted to be the one who'd stand by his side, share his happiness, wipe away his sorrow and remove the heavy armor from his tired body. She'd wanted him in any way she could have him. She'd wanted everything he was willing to give and whatever else she could take.
Twelve years later, she still wanted what she once wanted, but she knew it would be unfair to love Mei Changsu for someone he was not. The warrior princess was not fatuous enough to love him for things that he would and could never do. As he became more and more invested in the politic intrigues , she chose to define her love by what she felt in her heart rather than anything she'd hear him say to her or anything he'd do for her.
Nihuang was never an idiot. She knew the unique pattern of Lin Shu's footfall, she knew about the way he liked to fiddle with his clothing while he contemplated and she sure as hell knew that "ten years" was a damn lie . She would call it a woman's intuition again, but it was the same kind of intuition that alert her of surprise ambushes or laid traps. Besides, when it came to Lin Shu, there was plenty of things that she just knew. In the end, it was less painful to tell herself she was thankfully wrong than to acknowledge that Lin Shu lied to her.
In the end, she couldn't love him by wanting him and the only way to still love him was to let him go.
Let him choose everything over her and part with a feeble promise of "next lifetime."
A fervent part of Nihuang wanted nothing more than the end of her life. The princess was well-acquainted with the blood-slicked union of cold steel and hot flesh. It would be simple and so much less tormenting than waking up to greet a world that no longer had a place for Lin Shu. Even if she did not covet the extremes, no one could blame her if she wept ceaselessly, mourned without stopping or relinquished her responsibilities.
But such behavior was not fitting for anyone who deserved to say Lin Shu's name or called him a friend.
After all, every stroke of her sword reflected Lin Shu's tutelage and every word she spoke carried his legacy. No matter how calculating and devious Mei Changsu was, selflessness redefined itself Lin Shu's every action. She was finally beginning to understand what it meant to desire something more than life, to achieve anything regardless of the price one had to pay.
If Lin Shu could no longer watch Xiao Jingyan forge a new empire from his father's degeneracy, then Nihuang would open her eyes and commit every detail she saw to memory.
If Lin Shu could no longer protect the country's border and lead the troop, then Nihuang would ride into battle and embrace victory for him.
Whatever Lin Shu wanted to do or never did, Nihuang would do it for him. It would be the final way Nihuang redefined her love.