Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

 Satoru went through a huge growth spurt between middle school and high school. So, naturally, he tried out for the high school basketball team. Because tall people play basketball or something. And that was how he met Suguru.

 Suguru actually knew how to play basketball, Satoru was just naturally athletic and a quick learner. Suguru stole the ball from him during tryouts and made a shot, then gave him a smug grin, which ticked him off a bit, so then he started targeting Suguru specifically.

 They both made the junior varsity team, so the pointless rivalry thrived. They didn’t actually dislike each other, Satoru mostly just thought it was fun to beef with Suguru and get him riled up. They actually worked pretty well together in games.

 By the end of the semester, they were actually friends, not just teammates who picked on each other all the time. And, by the end of the semester, they had both quit the team because Satoru decided he didn’t like basketball that much and Suguru was tired of the sweaty jock energy and neither of them wanted to set foot in that stinky locker room ever again. 

 That winter was when the whole inheritance thing happened. Satoru had been pretty sure his time in this particular foster home was coming to an end. It was the same business as usual; they tried at first, but they’re never really prepared for the kind of kids that come through the system, the kids that grew up in it, the kids that stopped caring and stopped expecting anything and stopped trying to be a good and lovable child. His current foster parents were never mean, but just like all the rest, they got tired of him.

 And then they found out that some family member Satoru had been unaware of had died and in their will they left a shit-ton of money to Satoru. Satoru’s first thought was "hell yeah, I’m rich!" But then he discovered that because he was a minor, the money wouldn’t just be handed over to him. And also that there was a lot more to inheritance and wills and stuff, like court proceedings and other legal bullshit. It was quite bothersome. 

 And then his foster parents decided they wanted "legal guardianship" of Satoru. He immediately knew it was because of the money, and that definitely did not gain them any points in their favor. Even if they were his legal parents now, they couldn’t access the inheritance money because it was under Satoru’s name. They could only hold onto it, and it would fully transfer to Satoru once he turned eighteen.

 Satoru was glad that he probably wouldn’t have to move around so much anymore, since they were taking him in more permanently, but he didn’t particularly like them either. And they didn’t particularly like him. So far the only good thing to come out of his being in this household, this town, this school district, was Suguru.

 Suguru was the first person Satoru told about the whole situation. He and Shoko were the only ones he ever told. Not many people even knew that he was a foster kid.

 Satoru wasn’t great at making friends, and the fact that he only stayed in each place for a few months at most up until high school didn’t help. But he found that he was starting to trust Suguru. He really liked being around him and Shoko.

 Suguru and Shoko had gone to the same middle school, and Shoko started getting closer with both of them when they quit basketball. She said she thought they were typical gross jocks at first, which did not make her want to be friendly with them, but then she discovered that they were actually just dorks who need to release their energy in some way.

 All of a sudden, Satoru was glad that he was staying where he was. He spent more and more time with Suguru and Shoko, becoming comfortable with them in a way he’d never experienced before.

 Satoru had never really wanted to share details about his life with others before, but when he and Suguru were catching up after winter break, he found himself filled with the strange urge to tell him about the whole inheritance hullabaloo. He didn’t at first, because talking about something so personal was such a foreign concept, being close enough with someone to want to tell them about personal things was such a foreign concept, trusting someone enough to divulge such personal things was such a foreign concept. And it was kind of scary. At that point, Suguru knew he was a foster kid, but he didn’t know much more. 

 A month or so into second semester of freshman year, they were sitting on the bleachers of the football field long after everyone had left, after wintertime's early sunset had concluded, a few shades of orange lingering at the horizon.

 Satoru often made an effort to put off going home as long as possible, and he noticed that Suguru would usually hang out with him as long as he wanted, never expressing any need to be home by a certain time. That night was probably the longest consecutive amount of time they’d spent together after school. So of course they somehow got to talking about deep things.

 Satoru started feeling the slightest bit of nerves as soon as he even thought about talking about his personal life. This was a very unfamiliar situation.

 He lightheartedly complained about his foster parents, something he knew how to do, and Suguru said "wanna trade?" and Satoru laughed a bit.

 Then Suguru said, "how’d you end up a foster, anyway?"

 Satoru hesitated, a little caught off guard by the question.

 Suguru picked up on his surprise and immediately backpedaled. "You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want."

 "Nah, I just… haven’t ever really talked about it before," he explained.

 He looked out across the field for a moment, things he hadn’t thought about in a long time swimming through his brain. Suguru waited, and Satoru could feel his eyes on him, but it didn’t feel judgmental or forceful or expectant. It was more open and patient and it felt… weird. He didn’t know what to make of it. He wasn’t used to that.

 "Well…" Where does he even start? "My mom overdosed and my dad killed himself, and I don’t know much more about them than that."

 There was a moment of silence. Satoru worried he’d said it too blunt. He didn’t really know how else to say it.

 "Shit," Suguru commented.

 Satoru laughed a bit. "Yeah. Shit. I was… three years old? Not really enough time to form any solid memories."

 Suguru hummed thoughtfully. "So you’ve been in foster homes ever since?" 

 "Yup. Bouncing all over the place."

 "That sucks."

 "Eh, it’s whatever. I’m used to it."

 Satoru shifted in his seat a bit, his knee bumping Suguru’s. He didn’t let his mind linger on the brief, accidental contact.

 "Looks like I won’t be doing that so much anymore, though." He said it without thinking, but Suguru looked at him like he’d said something important. And, well, maybe he had. Shit.

 "Oh? What do you mean?" Suguru asked.

 Satoru still felt nervous at the prospect of sharing more details than he already had. "Y’know what, I think it’s your turn. How about you tell me about your parents now?" He crossed his arms over-dramatically and gave Suguru a funny look.

 Suguru laughed. "If I do, will you tell me what you meant?"

 "Sure, yeah, whatever."

 "Alright. Deal."

 He held out a hand and Satoru shook it and they laughed at themselves. Suguru leaned back against the fence behind them, folding his hands behind his head. "What do you wanna know?"

 "I dunno, uh, what’re they like?"

 "Well…" Suguru shrugged. "Pretty normal. Or, at least I thought they were, until I was nine or ten and found out that most people’s parents ask them how their day was after school."

 Ah. Maybe that’s why he always stayed out with Satoru and never talked about home.

 "Most people’s parents don’t forget to pick them up sometimes. Most people’s parents notice if their kid’s always covered in bruises or bandaids." Suguru fidgeted with his sleeve for a moment, then clasped his hands together, quickly moving on from wherever he went during that sentence. "They’re not mean or anything, but… sometimes I’m not sure if they even realize when I leave or when I come back. It’s kinda nice 'cause I can do whatever I want, but… I dunno. If you don’t have a curfew, how do you know when to come home?"

 Satoru watched him for a moment. He’d never really had a home, and yet, what Suguru said seemed to settle into his chest and click something in his brain. He felt like he suddenly saw so much more of him. Like a set of doors opened, and they both walked through. And it was dark, but they could still see each other.

 Suguru shook his head. "Sorry, that doesn’t make sense, I-"

 "No, no, it does," Satoru cut in. "I get it."

 He did get it. But with that newfound openness came such vulnerability, and neither of them were used to that. Satoru injected some humor into it because he never knew what else to do. "You have such a way with words," he said sarcastically.

 "Shut up." Suguru smiled and elbowed him, leaning forward again. "Okay, your turn again."

 "If I must," Satoru sighed. "You’re gonna wanna sit down for this one."

 Suguru raised his eyebrows. "Oh, okay." He stood up and sat down again. "That good?"

 "Perfect."

 Satoru took a breath. He avoided looking at Suguru while he spoke. "So, apparently my biological dad’s dad was like, filthy rich, but I didn’t even know he existed until he died right at the start of winter break and I found out that I’m in his will."

 "Damn, that’s some serious family drama."

 "Right? Apparently he originally wanted his inheritance to go to his son, but then, y’know, his son died, so I guess he settled for the son’s son."

 "Wow. So are you, like, rich now?"

 "I can’t access the money ’til I turn eighteen."

 "Ah."

 "But then, get this-"

 "There’s more?"

 "There’s more!"

 Suguru chuckled. The sound put Satoru a little more at ease. He continued.

 "So, I was pretty sure that I was gonna get moved again soon, right? My foster parents seemed like they were getting a little fed up with me, it’d been four months, so I expect it at that point. Then we hear about the inheritance, and all of a sudden they decide they want permanent custody of me."

 "Ohhh…" Suguru seemed like he understood, but Satoru kept going anyway, continuing off the momentum.

 "So, I guess I’m not going anywhere any time soon. Which is cool, but… I mean, they’re probably only keeping me around because of the money. Hoping I’ll give some to them as a thanks for raising me or something. And, like, the check from the state or whatever."

 "Huh."

 Another silence. Satoru wasn’t sure if it was extremely awkward or if it was just uncharted territory. Or maybe the only reason it was scary was because it was unknown.

 "What do you think you’ll use the money for?" Suguru asked, easy.

 "College, probably," Satoru answered. Easy. "And not one of those crazy expensive private schools so I have some left over. Then I can… buy a car or something."

 "Ooh, what car would you get?"

 "Hmm… a Mercedes."

 "Of course you would say Mercedes. Such a trust fund baby car."

 Satoru scoffed. "Well what would you suggest, mister automobile gatekeeper?"

 "I think you should get a Volkswagen Beetle."

 Satoru made a face, trying to imagine himself squeezing into one of those tiny things. "A bug? For real?"

 "Then we can play punch buggy and I can punch you every time I see it."

 "Asshole."

 Suddenly the atmosphere was light and comfortable again, and Satoru wasn’t so afraid of those unknown spaces anymore. "And it’s slug bug, not punch buggy," he added.

 "Does it matter?"

 "Uh, yes, it does matter, it’s my future car we’re talking about here."

 They laughed and Satoru noticed that they’d ended up close enough that their shoulders were touching when they quieted down again. It’s not like it was the first time they’d made physical contact with each other, they’d roughhoused plenty of times in their basketball days, they’d linked arms with Shoko before, they’d given each other noogies. But this time there was no pretext of silliness, there was no one else around, it was just them and their words and the stars in the sky.

 "For what it’s worth, I’m glad you’re sticking around," Suguru said, leaning into him just a little more.

 Satoru felt an unfamiliar warmth in his chest. He wasn’t sure if anyone had ever wanted him around before.

 He leaned his head over to rest it on Suguru’s shoulder. It wasn’t a super comfortable angle, but it felt right. "Me too."

 That was probably when Satoru started thinking of Suguru as his best friend. They pretty much always hung out after school because neither of them had extracurriculars to attend to, nor were they in any rush to get home. Satoru felt more at home when he was with Suguru anyway. 

 Satoru helped Suguru with his math homework because math came naturally to him, and Suguru helped Satoru with his history homework because he was good at remembering all the names and dates.

 Their sophomore year, Shoko got her hands on a piercing kit and gave herself a nose piercing and she convinced them to take part in the teenage shenanigans, so Suguru and Satoru pierced each other’s ears. That was how Suguru found out Satoru was ticklish - Satoru kept flinching ever so slightly at his fingers brushing his neck while he examined his earlobe. And then Suguru just had to find out where else he was ticklish because he was evil, and he and Shoko ganged up on him until his sides hurt from laughing and enduring the tickle attacks.

 They spent almost every day together, using each other as an excuse to get out of the house on weekends and holiday breaks. Sometimes they’d send ridiculous messages back and forth, even though they were sitting right next to each other.

 Neither of them were very touchy people, at least not at first, they weren’t used to it. But as they grew closer, it started feeling so natural for Satoru to throw an arm around Suguru's shoulder, practice braiding his hair, sit close enough for their legs to touch. It was so natural, Satoru forgot that he’d never had such a close and comfortable friendship before. Sometimes he’d hug Suguru when he could tell he was sad but didn’t want to talk about it because it seemed to help him relax, and because Suguru’s hugs always made him happy. Suguru said he was like a living space heater, always warm, and when it was cold outside, he’d huddle closer to him to steal some heat, saying Satoru doesn’t need all that for himself, sharing is caring. Satoru discovered that he rather liked being held, specifically by Suguru, and that was a confusing discovery. Maybe it was just because he’d never really been held before. Or maybe it was because Suguru was nice enough to put up with him with only sarcastic complaints. Or maybe it was just because he liked him. 

 Sometimes Satoru would lean his head on Suguru’s chest and listen to him talk or hum because he discovered he could feel the vibrations of his voice and it felt really nice. It reminded him of the stray cat from a town he’d stayed in before who always purred when Satoru came over to pet it, and he’d feel the rumbles under his fingers, and it itched his brain in such a pleasant way. Sometimes Suguru would play with Satoru's hair when he leaned on him and that felt nice too (and if Satoru could purr like a cat, he absolutely would). And it almost sort of felt like more. Sometimes they’d somehow end up holding hands when they were sitting together and no one else was around. And it almost felt like there was something more. But even that too became just as natural as the contact expected of two close friends. They never talked about it.

 Satoru wasn’t sure when exactly he realized that he had a fat crush on Suguru. It was more like he fell for him many a time, over and over, and at some point simply accepted the fact that he was hopelessly in love with his best friend. And he’d also accepted that their relationship would probably never become romantic. As much as he wanted to kiss Suguru and hold his hand and trail his fingertips over every inch of his body, he was okay with only being friends for the rest of their lives. Their friendship was the most important thing to him and he didn’t want to take any chance at possibly changing it for the worse. Suguru was the best friend he’d ever had and he didn’t want to lose that. He hoped he wouldn’t lose that until the day he died. He didn’t even consider telling Suguru how he felt as an option. The platonic intimacy was more than enough.

 Their junior year, they decided to go to a football game for once. Satoru enjoyed the hyped up atmosphere, but honestly, it kind of got boring after a bit, even if he could mostly follow the gameplay and not get too overstimulated. Sports weren’t really Suguru’s thing, either.

 The first quarter wasn’t even over when Satoru turned to Suguru and said "wanna get outta here?"

 They shuffled out of the bleachers and bounded up the stairs. Suguru said "this way" and grabbed Satoru’s hand and they ran around to the other side of the school building where the practice field with the baseball diamond was and where no other people were.

 Suguru tested the gate, but it was locked. 

 "Guess we’ll have to hop the fence," Satoru said.

 Suguru shrugged. And they started climbing the fence. They didn’t have any reason for wanting to go in the field, just that they were teenagers and it was Friday night and it was real grass instead of nasty turf.

 They ungracefully returned to solid ground on the other side of the fence.

 "Race you to the other side?" Satoru suggested with a grin.

 "What are we, grade schoolers?" Suguru chuckled, dusting himself off.

 "C’mon, you’re no fun!"

 "Fine, fine. Threetwoone go!" Suguru took off, his count down too fast to give Satoru any sort of warning that they were starting.

 "Wh- you bitch!" Satoru ran after him.

 He almost tripped halfway across the field, but he caught up to Suguru before they reached the fence on the other side. He tackled him and Suguru yelled and lost his balance and they toppled over in the grass.

 "Dirty cheater," Satoru panted, rolling onto his back. Suguru laughed next to him. Satoru didn’t hear him laugh so loud very often. His glee was contagious and Satoru couldn’t help but laugh too, his heart beating fast from the sudden exertion.

 They lay there and caught their breath for awhile.

 "Look," Suguru said. He pointed up at the sky. "The Big Dipper." It took Satoru a second to find it. "And you can kinda see the rest of Ursa Major. Just barely."

 "Ursa Major?"

 "Mhm. It’s a bear."

 "A bear? I thought it was a spoon."

 "Well, the Big Dipper is a spoon. But it’s actually part of Ursa Major. Third largest constellation in the sky."

 Satoru turned his head to look at Suguru. The distant lights from the school building illuminated his skin just enough for Satoru to see his features.

 "It’s a prominent constellation in lots of cultures, though not all of them call it a bear," Suguru continued. "Some actually see the Big Dipper as a coffin, and the three trailing stars are the funeral procession."

 His hair had gotten messy, his bun loosened, several strands falling out. He had that peaceful smile that he wore when he was genuinely happy, Satoru’s favorite smile in the whole world. The stars looked like tiny sparkles reflected in the deep winter dusk of his eyes.

 "Isn’t it weird how so many different people in so many different places connected the same dots in the sky?" Suguru turned to look back at Satoru, directing that beautiful smile at him. Satoru’s heart fluttered in his chest.

 "You sure it’s a bear?"

 Suguru rolled his eyes. "Yes, it’s the great bear. That’s what ursa major means." 

 "Why does a bear have a spoon in it, though?"

 "Oh my god, shut up." Suguru elbowed him and Satoru laughed. Their arms brushed against each other. Suguru turned his hand toward Satoru’s and Satoru held it, lacing their fingers together.

 He could have told him then. He could have told him that he liked holding his hand and he thought his smile was pretty and he wanted to dance with him at the winter formal. But he didn’t. He just let the warmth spread through him and listened to the distant cheers from the ongoing football game and looked at the Big Dipper. 

 And a few months later, they went to the winter formal with Shoko. They invited Riko too.

 The three of them had met Riko Amanai last year by some random chance twist of fate because her legal guardian, Misato Kuroi, was a substitute teacher at their high school. The middle school got out a little earlier than the high school and was only a ten minute walk away, so Amanai was often hanging around at the end of the day when Kuroi was subbing. Kuroi was everyone’s favorite sub, so, naturally, Amanai came to know quite a few of the high school students. 

 Satoru wasn’t sure how and why they ended up befriending Riko. They kept running into her and Kuroi in every random place around town, and when Riko wasn’t listening, Kuroi told them she really appreciated them being friendly with her and that Riko really liked them, even if she’d never admit it. So they kept talking to her and eventually they all had each other’s numbers in their phones, and they started inviting Riko to go see movies with them, and at some point began seriously referring to her as a friend and calling her the little sister of their group. Satoru thought she was pretty obnoxious at first, but he was obnoxious too, and he warmed up to her pretty quickly. She was actually really sweet, and adventurous in the same way he was.

 It wasn’t until they’d known her for several months and became close enough that it wasn’t weird for Kuroi to give them a ride in her car when they found out that Riko was terminally ill. She had some rare disease that wasn’t terribly affecting her livelihood yet, but still loomed like a timer over her head, a constant reminder that she might never finish growing up. So by the time the winter formal came around that year, they decided to invite her to go with them, because middle school dances were no fun (and she might not even get the chance to go to a high school dance on her own).

 Her condition was starting to get a little worse. She had frequent doctor’s appointments and hospital visits, she couldn’t keep up with school work as much and didn’t have as much energy to be social and hang out with all her friends. She was good at making friends, she was very well liked at her school, but she wasn’t actually super close with anyone. According to Kuroi, the three of them were kind of her closest friends right now. 

 So they formally invited her and got her a ticket to the winter formal. Kuroi took her dress shopping and got her an adorable blue dress with sparkly rhinestones decorating the bottom of its knee-length poofy skirt. Suguru braided her hair in a fancy way and Shoko did her makeup and let her borrow a pair of heels that were only slightly too big for her.

 Riko dragged Satoru around the dance floor and he spun her and dipped her and she smiled and laughed and passionately sang along to Britney Spears. The four of them squeezed into the photo booth the school had rented and took lots of silly pictures together.

 Satoru and Suguru did dance together, but only as a joke, and Shoko took pictures of them making kissy faces at each other. He could have told him then. He could have shouted through the loud music that he wanted to dance with him for real and that he looked very handsome in his sun and moon patterned collared shirt and his hair looked really pretty in that half-up-half-down style. But he didn’t. He just enjoyed the music and the brief moments of contact and the bright smiles from him and Shoko and Riko. It was more important to focus on Riko, anyway. 

 After an hour or so, Riko started coughing, and she said she was fine but Satoru noticed her leaning on them a little more and having a little more trouble keeping her balance in Shoko’s heels. So he scooped her up and carried her outside for some fresh air despite her protests and the four of them sat on the steps for a while. Suguru linked arms with her and pointed out Ursa Major and she smiled a little more, happy to listen to his stories. 

 It still wasn’t very late, so Kuroi offered for them to come over for a little "after party". They sat on the floor of her living room in their fancy outfits and played some very heated games of Uno, then they watched Spirited Away and Riko fell asleep on Shoko’s shoulder. 

 Time passed, life continued as usual, Satoru and Suguru grew closer and closer as friends. When the time came to decide what to do with their lives, they decided to go to college together and figure it out from there, because they knew they couldn’t stay here too much longer for their own sanity, and it kinda seemed like the only viable option. And if they could stay together, of course they were going to. They applied to pretty much all the same colleges. The one they ended up choosing was just far enough to feel like they were moving away; a two and a half hour train ride plus a fifteen minute bus ride from the station to the campus. Shoko was admitted to a pre-med program not too far from their school, so it wouldn’t be too difficult for the three of them to get together. They toured their future school in the spring and made sure they could get a room together and started planning what they needed to bring and who would bring what. Satoru was actually pretty excited for it. He’d never really given the future much thought before, and now he was planning one with his favorite person.

 Graduation was approaching. Riko passed shortly before school ended the year before. At first, they didn’t talk about it. After a week or so, they did, and that was the first time Satoru saw Suguru cry. Satoru almost felt ashamed, thinking maybe he wasn’t being emotional enough, but he just felt numb. He supposed he’d always been that way. Shoko was kind of like that too.

 They checked in on Kuroi a lot, who was absolutely heartbroken and took multiple weeks off of teaching to recover.

 Slowly, they were able to enjoy themselves again without constantly thinking of Riko and feeling guilty for having fun without her and wishing she were still here because they would’ve all been in high school at the same time for a year. On the one year anniversary of her passing, they visited her grave with Kuroi and told her about all the things they’d done that they wished she could’ve seen. Kuroi was doing a lot better, but it was still difficult to keep her composure. None of them blamed her though. How could they?

 Neither Satoru nor Suguru wanted to spend a whole lot of time at home; Satoru noticed that Suguru seemed to want to stay out later recently. So they spent a lot of time doing whatever came to mind after school, often not returning home until dark. Satoru was getting more freckles than ever from all the time in the sun.

 Suguru mentioned his only worry about rooming together being they might get tired of each other, but they already spent so much time together and Satoru never wished to be doing anything else, so he was pretty confident that they’d be okay. 

 One of their favorite after school activities became getting some coffee or snacks and maybe doing some homework or something and then going down to the lake and watching the sun set. Three days before graduation, they were repeating the routine. It was warm outside, they were almost done with finals, Suguru let his hair down and Satoru kept stealing glances at him through his sunglasses. He pushed Suguru into the lake and they swam in all their clothes, Suguru practically waterboarding him as revenge. He probably swallowed some lake water and it felt very unpleasant in his nose, but he didn’t care because Suguru was laughing and smiling brightly and Satoru thought he might just be the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen. 

 They sat on the dock with their feet in the water while Suguru’s shoes and socks dried, sitting in a soggy heap behind them. They talked about anything that came to mind. They talked about their future together. Satoru said they should get a projector for their dorm room for enhanced movie nights. Suguru said he’d like to learn how to ride a motorcycle one day. Satoru said he wanted to go to a drag show at least once, preferably more than once. Suguru said he wanted to go to more concerts, even if he wasn’t a fan of crowds.

 Suguru’s hand was resting on top of Satoru’s. Satoru wasn’t sure if he meant to do that or not, but he wasn’t moving it, and Satoru didn’t dare move his own hand because it felt nice.

 He looked at Suguru and saw the melting sunlight reflected in his eyes. His eyes were so deep and dark and Satoru felt like he could fall right into them and never be able to get up. He’d fallen a long time ago. He was content to stay lying right where he was. 

 Suguru met his gaze. That one strand of hair fell gently over his forehead, down in front of the corner of his eye. He said Satoru’s eyelashes were long. Satoru had never been conscious of his eyelashes before.

 For the first time, he gave into the urge to push Suguru’s hair out of his face with his free hand. Suguru blinked softly, his eyes staying closed a little longer than usual. Suddenly they were close enough that Satoru could feel Suguru’s breath on his lips. He felt like they were magnets of opposite poles and he was leaning in before he realized what he was doing.

 Suguru tilted his head and closed his eyes again and Satoru did the same. They pressed their lips together, just for a moment, just long enough for Satoru to notice how soft Suguru’s lips were, just long enough for him to realize he was holding his breath. The butterflies in his stomach felt like they were migrating to every corner of his body they could reach.

 He and Suguru pulled away and went back to looking at the sunset. He could have told him then. He could have told him that he’d wanted to kiss him for a while and he’d love to kiss him again some time and maybe play with his hair and cuddle and hold hands too. But he didn’t. He just reveled in the warmth. 

 Suguru got up and offered a hand. Satoru took it and held onto it just a second longer than what might be considered normal once he was pulled to his feet. They put their shoes back on and went home.

 The next day was the same as usual. They didn’t talk about the kiss.

 And then they were in college. They lugged their suitcases and backpacks onto the train and then the bus and then the elevator and finally into their small room on the ninth floor of the dorm building. They started unpacking and making it look a little more lived in. They had a couple free days before classes started, so they explored the city and met up with Shoko when she moved into her dorm the next town over.

 Then classes started and they began adjusting to their new life. Satoru quickly discovered that he abhorred lecture style classes in those big auditorium type rooms and he already knew Suguru was gonna have to discourage him from skipping many times.

 A week in, and Satoru was already accumulating piles in their room. Suguru’s side of the room remained a bit more neat. But after a month or so, the lines of whose side was whose blurred and they were using each other’s things and Satoru would probably forget which bed was his if it weren’t for Suguru’s silk pillowcase.

 Once their second semester began, they felt like real college kids. As winter began to thaw, Shoko invited them to come smoke weed in her friend Mei Mei’s car. Mei Mei was a very sophisticated and very wealthy junior finance major.

 Suguru asked if Shoko was sure that it’s okay for them to smoke in her car, and Shoko assured them it was fine, she wouldn’t have given Shoko the spare key otherwise. Apparently it was her parents’ old car that she didn’t let them sell because she liked it so much, even though she already had her own car. So now it was the “weed car”. Satoru understood immediately when he was hit by the smell upon crawling in the trunk. It was a large and quite roomy car, the backseats folded forward to create more trunk space, the back slightly lower than the front from all the people sitting in it together over the months.

 “This stuff’s kinda strong, so be careful, alright? I know you’ve never smoked weed and I’ve only done it a couple times, so let’s go slow,” Shoko instructed as she lit a joint.

 Twenty minutes later, they were utterly out of their minds. Shoko was lying on her back very peacefully and staring at the ceiling and Satoru and Suguru were sitting next to each other with their backs resting against the side of the car. Satoru kept laughing at literally everything and Suguru kept telling him to shut up and Shoko said they were so embarrassing. 

 “Bro.” Satoru put a hand on Suguru’s leg to get his attention.

 "What." Suguru rolled his head lazily toward Satoru.

 "Wanna make out?"

 "Hell yeah, bro."

 Suguru grabbed his face and messily pulled him into a kiss. Their teeth clacked together and Satoru was too high to realize he had no idea what he was doing, or that he’d just asked his crush if he wanted to make out and his crush said yes.

 "Really guys?" Shoko interjected. "Right in front of my salad?"

 "You’ve never had a salad in your life," Satoru said, practically speaking into Suguru’s mouth.

 "Hey, fuck you, I love salad," Shoko responded.

 "No, you’re not doing it right," Suguru said, backing off for a moment. "You’re just sticking your tongue in my mouth."

 "Isn’t that what you’re supposed to do?"

 "I think there’s more to it than that. Shoko-"

 "Shoko help."

 "Shoko how do you kiss with tongue?"

 "Why are you asking me?" Shoko asked, sitting up.

 "Because you get bitches," Satoru supplied.

 "Damn right I do." She flipped her hair.

 "So how." Suguru persisted, still holding Satoru’s face. 

 "Well…" Shoko fiddled with her lighter in thought. "I dunno, you want me to, like, show you?"

 "Yes." Satoru said.

 "Yes." Suguru agreed.

 "Okay, one of you get over here." Shoko replied, waving her hand in a beckoning motion.

 "Ooh, me first," Satoru jumped in, crawling over to Shoko. Who knew kissing lessons would be on the spring semester agenda?

 He realized he was a little clumsy, maybe because of the weed, but Shoko was kind of clumsy too, although clearly more experienced. "Don’t open your mouth so wide," She instructed in between kisses.

 After a few more seconds she pulled away. "There you go, you’re starting to get it." 

 "Nice."

 "Suguru, your turn."

 "Oh, is it my turn?" Suguru came back from wherever his mind had wandered off to.

 Satoru scooted away so Suguru could take his place and Shoko started kissing him. Suguru frowned while kissing. Satoru thought that was kind of cute.

 "Oh, okay," Suguru mumbled. "I think I get it."

 "Yeah, you’re a natural," Shoko assured him, patting him on the shoulder.

 "Ha, I’m a better kisser than you," Suguru said to Satoru, sitting back again.

 "That’s not what she said!" Satoru argued.

 "That’s basically what she said."

 "Fuck you, c’mere-" Satoru shuffled closer to Suguru and Suguru grabbed his face again. Their teeth didn’t clack together this time. "Mmyou’re squishing my cheeks."

 "Deal with it."

 They kissed a bit more. Suguru pulled away and looked at Shoko, who had gone back to lying on her back. "Do you ever, like, get your teeth involved?" He asked.

 "Uhhh, maybe a little bit? It kinda depends on the person," she answered. "I dunno, I haven’t made out with that many people."

 "Okay cool." Suguru went back to kissing Satoru.

 It was kind of weird and wet, but fun too, and Satoru was thinking maybe Suguru actually was a good kisser, although he still didn’t know the difference. Suddenly there was a strange pain on the tip of his tongue.

 "Mmgghaagh you bit my tongue!" Satoru exclaimed.

 "Oh shit, really?" Suguru blinked at him.

 Satoru snorted and then Suguru burst into laughter and Shoko started laughing too.

 "What the fuck are we doing?" Suguru wheezed.

 Satoru fell onto his side, laughing so hard that tears rose to his eyes. "We all just made out with each other," he said through laughs. "In the weed car!"

 "You both have my cooties now," Shoko added, wiping her eyes.

 "Oh no, girl cooties!"

 "Oh nooooo…" Suguru whined sarcastically, covering his face with his hands. "Girl cooties… in the weed car…"

 They kept laughing until they didn’t have any energy left to. Shoko told them what happens in the weed car stays in the weed car, and they repeated it several times because it was funny.

 They made the trip home and tried to act normal on the bus. Suguru said to "act natural" and Satoru assured him that he was "soooo normal right now". They were actually a little more normal by the time they got back to their dorm.

 Satoru flopped facedown onto his bed. He was very ready for a good long nap. Or just regular old sleep since it was nighttime now.

 "That’s my bed," Suguru said.

 Satoru reached up and felt the pillow. "Oh. Whoops." 

 "Scoot over." Suguru forcibly rolled him over to one side of the bed and sat next to him, opening his laptop.

 "D’you want me to move?"

 "No, you already sealed your fate, you’re going to watch Grey’s Anatomy with me."

 "Ughhh, not Grey’s Anatomyyyy…"

 "And you’re gonna enjoy it."

 Suguru practically trapped Satoru between himself and the wall, making sure he put his legs under the covers and leaning on him after he started an episode. Even if he didn’t like hospital dramas, Satoru was very content to let sleepiness sink in with his arms around Suguru, Suguru’s head on his shoulder, his scent surrounding him.

 When he woke up in the morning, it took him a second to remember why he was in Suguru’s bed. Suguru woke up only a few moments after he did and rubbed his eyes and said good morning, and Satoru said it back, and then they both laughed at how ridiculous they were.

 He could have told him then. Satoru could have told Suguru that he actually really liked kissing him, even if they didn’t know how to do it yet, and he’d love to kiss him while they were both sober, and he wouldn’t mind waking up next to him every morning. But he didn’t. He just appreciated that they were so comfortable with each other that the weed car incident didn’t make things weird between them. And they continued being friends as usual.

 That was the first time they ended up sleeping in the same bed, but apparently not the last. Sometimes they made ramshackle pillow forts for movie nights, but other times, they just hopped into one of their beds, which, half of the time, ended in them falling asleep on each other. Sometimes Satoru did it on purpose because he could tell Suguru needed a break and he seemed to respond well to hugs. Sometimes he just wanted to cuddle with him. Maybe that was selfish, but Suguru seemed comfortable, so he didn’t care. 

 After winter break of their second year, Satoru dragged Suguru into a Ghibli movie marathon because he knew Suguru needed comfort after the falling out he had with his parents, and because he still hadn’t forced him to watch Grave of Fireflies, and because Satoru still hadn’t seen Porco Rosso, which was one of Suguru’s favorites. Between movies he mumbled something incoherently because he didn’t remember what he was going to say and Suguru said "what?" very (purposely) loud into his ear, so he pretty much verbally key-smashed in some sort of retaliation. Suguru said "you need professional help" and Satoru said "says mister undiagnosed mental illness" and Suguru pointed a finger at him, saying "you shut your whore mouth". Then Satoru bit his finger and Suguru whacked him with a pillow and he screamed over-dramatically. They laughed and had a lazy pillow fight and sank further into the mattress and Satoru was glad to see Suguru smiling again. And the next morning, Satoru woke up in Suguru’s arms.

 When they finished finals their first year, they went to their favorite burger place to celebrate, and it ended up becoming a tradition. It wasn’t particularly good food, but it was open late and it was within walking distance and it was cheap. So they did it their second year too, first semester, and then second semester.

 It was late and dark and they were both tired, but after spending the evening at the park with their classmates, they just had to get burgers before returning to the dorms. It was tradition. And they also hadn’t eaten dinner yet. They got their usual one burger and one order of fries each, plus a vanilla shake to share, and sat on the curb of the mostly empty parking lot.

 "We did it!" Satoru exclaimed as he sat down. "Two down, two to go."

 "Cheers," Suguru responded with an easy smile.

 They tapped two french fries together as a "cheers" and dug into their meal. It always tasted good after a long day.

 They were quiet for a bit, focused on eating. It was nice to see Suguru looking relaxed and content. Satoru could tell he was struggling lately. He’d always had some sort of neurodivergency going on, but lately it seemed like it was getting worse. Satoru didn’t know why, he wasn’t sure if there even was a reason for it. Suguru occasionally admitted that he was having difficulty keeping up with assignments and general daily life, but Satoru couldn’t get anything more than that out of him. He wanted to help him so badly, but Suguru wouldn’t give him any clues on how to do so. He knew he couldn’t magically increase the amount of serotonin in Suguru’s brain, but Satoru would do anything for his best friend. He relied on Suguru so much more than he would ever know. Probably a little too much. 

 "Look," Suguru said pulling him out of his thoughts. "The Big Dipper."

 He was pointing up at the sky. Satoru followed his finger and spotted what little stars were visible, the Big Dipper being the brightest ones.

 "Can’t see the rest of Ursa Major out here, but at least we’ve got the spoon," Suguru remarked.

 The only thing Satoru missed about their old town was the rest of Ursa Major. "I like the spoon. Imagine how much soup you could fit in that thing."

 Suguru laughed and Satoru looked at him for a moment, his sweet, gentle smile illuminated by the streetlights. What would he do without that smile?

 "Soup…"

Satoru looked back up at the sky. "What soups do constellations like?"

 "Hmm…" Suguru scooted forward and lay down in the empty parking spot they’d been sitting at. "Maybe tomato?"

 Satoru sipped the last of their milkshake before lying down next to him. "I feel like chicken noodle."

 "Or… minestrone."

 "Who?"

 "Minestrone."

 "Ooh, maybe clam chowder."

 "But that’s not soup, it’s chowder."

 "Chowder’s just a kind of soup."

 "No it’s not."

 "Yes it is."

 "No."

 Satoru snapped his fingers like he’d just thought of a brilliant idea and pointed at Suguru, turning his head to look at him. "Soup-guru."

 Suguru frowned at him. "What."

 Satoru giggled, finding himself quite hilarious. "That’s your soup name."

 Suguru raised his eyebrows. "My soup name."

 "Yeah, your soup name." Suguru snorted and Satoru elbowed him playfully, laughing a bit more. "Soup-guru."

 "That’s ridiculous… So then you’d be Soup-toru? No… Satoroup?"

 Satoru really started laughing then. "Satoroup!" He repeated. Suguru laughed too and Satoru rolled onto his side toward him, hiding his face in Suguru’s shoulder, feeling it shake with the laughter. "Soup…"

 "Soup…"

 Suddenly soup was the funniest word they had ever heard. They said it over and over in funny voices and laughed until they were out of breath, then just lay there on the concrete with their arms linked.

 "Never gets old," Suguru muttered.

 "Hm?" Satoru turned his head to look at him again. "What doesn’t?"

 "Oh, I don’t know, just… laughing with you. It’s always fun."

 Satoru’s chest fluttered and he couldn’t help the smile in his cheeks and suddenly he was very aware of his breathing. Suguru smiled back at him with soft eyes and Satoru was struck, not for the first time, with the thought, the feeling, the truth that he was so utterly and hopelessly in love with him.

 He tried to override it with his usual silliness. "We’re gonna live forever!" He cheered with mock flair, pumping a fist in the air.

 "God, I hope not."

 Satoru scoffed and looked at Suguru with feigned offense.

 "Listen, it’s not old yet, but I dunno how long that’ll last," Suguru doubled down.

 "You wound me, Suguru!"

 "Good." Suguru jabbed at his side where he was ticklish and Satoru shrieked and pressed his arms against himself to protect his stomach. Suguru laughed again and smiled at Satoru so genuinely, it made him want to believe that he loved him just as much as Satoru loved Suguru.

 He could have told him then. He could have told him that he was the best thing to ever happen to him and he would do anything for him and he was so deeply in love with him that he’d forgotten what it was like to not be. But he didn’t. He never did.

 When Suguru left, it felt like he took a piece of Satoru’s heart with him. And suddenly, Satoru had to realize that he didn’t know how to live without Suguru. He knew he’d begun to rely on him too much, but he never realized just how deep it went.

 And it was deep. The hurt was deep, like a rock sitting at the bottom of his stomach. It was a different kind of hurt than any he’d experienced before. It was different than losing Riko, because he had some idea that it was going to happen before it did, he knew exactly what happened to her, it was completely out of his control. (That didn’t mean it hurt any less.) It was different than never being completely welcomed anywhere by anyone, any family, any home, always being left behind. Because he’d always see it coming, he’d walk out the door willingly, he never left anything of himself behind. (That didn’t mean it hurt any less. Even if he failed to acknowledge it.)

 But Suguru had truly known him. Suguru had chosen to be his friend and stay his friend for so long. He could’ve walked out at any point, but he stayed by his side, he made him believe that they were something that would never end, never break, never leave, never abandon him. 

 But maybe he was wrong. Maybe he’d been wrong the whole time. Suguru left. And Satoru had no inkling, no idea, not a single clue that he would. And he didn’t know what happened to him. And he felt like this was something that was sort of in his control. If he had been a better friend, maybe Suguru wouldn’t have left. If he had paid closer attention, maybe he would’ve noticed that things were more wrong than he thought. If he had asked him what he was doing wrong, maybe Suguru would’ve told him, and he could’ve made it better. But he didn’t. And now he was alone.

 He wasn’t entirely alone of course. He still had Shoko, she was just a little harder to reach. She assured him very firmly that he did nothing wrong, that Suguru had really cherished him and he wasn’t the reason Suguru left. Although she didn’t know any more than Satoru did about where he went. 

 So Satoru learned how to live without Suguru. He relied on himself and no one else. He made extra sure to keep in touch with Shoko and the other people he started meeting and getting to know. It was difficult, he’d never been great at reaching out or making friends, and he’d never been good at letting people in. He still didn’t really let them in. He wasn’t really alone, but he felt more alone than ever.

 And then, all of a sudden, he was a lot less alone. Adopting two children will do that to a person.