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"Explain to me what happened. I'd like to know what was going through your head when you made some of those calls," Ponds says quietly, his arms crossed, leaned back in Fox's guest chair, and it's so close to normal Fox can almost pretend nothing happened. Except Ponds's voice is icy, his words clipped, and his glare boring holes through Fox, and he wants to laugh at his past self for ever finding Ponds even remotely scary before. Past him only knew Ponds's fury as this firey, loud, protective thing to wait out until his ori'vod calmed down. All bark, no bite, he'd thought. Oh how wrong he'd been, this hurts more than being chewed up and spit out by a sarlacc ever could.
This is Ponds on a reserved, cold warpath for answers because someone he loves has been wronged. Despite his laundry list of poor decisions, Fox never thought he'd be at the end of that road.
"I..." He hadn't told Rex. It would have been a cop-out. Nothing about the situation with Commander Tano had been fair or simple to begin with, and this would have looked like he was avoiding responsibility-- it'd be rubbing salt in the wound.
But Ponds hadn't known Commander Tano well, he's just sticking up for his younger brother and doing the right thing, as he always does, so he might be more willing to hear him out. Fox is very, very tired of headaches and lost time, and now it's gone and put a 16-year-old in danger. Someone has to know, even just as a failsafe, in case-- in case this happens again or Fox loses himself for good. Someone to make sure that if Fox needs to be exposed, or taken down, or whatever would be necessary to protect people in the future.
Fox just wishes the only available man for that position wasn't his ori'vod with a protective streak the trainers called rabid. Ponds is now just another person he'll hurt because he can't do his damn job right.
He clears his throat.
"I don't... Remember it, Ponds. I don't remember most of the chase at all."
"What?" Ponds says, tilting his head to the side in confusion, some of the rigid frustration gone, "How could you not remember?"
"I have no idea. Which is an incredibly unsatisfying answer, believe me I know," He starts to smile mirthlessly before regretting it as a sharp flare of pain lights up his jaw. It's not broken and he should appreciate that, "I've been having gaps in my memory for a while, recently. Most of them go like this: I go to the Chancellor's office, we exchange a few words, and then suddenly I'm back in my office several hours later. Or one memorable time, two days later in the undercity."
Ponds stares, eyes wide, and Fox gets a sick, panicky feeling in his stomach, "I know, I know. It's-- it's an excuse and an implausible one at that, but I-- I don't have proof, but I've kept track of it, every time a guard member talks to me during the gaps they say I act off, and it's-- it's always counted as work time in my logs, despite me never logging it, and there's always post-op files only he can access and...I know it sounds crazy, it is, but I--"
Ponds puts a hand up to stop him, "How long?"
"...Off and on for two years."
Ponds's expression softens, anger fully melted away, which only serves to put his worry front and center on display in his eyes, "You're fucking kidding me,"
"I wish I was."
A beat of silence, "Have you--"
"I haven't told anyone else aside from a watered down version to my CMO," Fox says, foot tapping nervously against the concrete floor, "You're the first officer know."
"Starsdamnit, Fox," Ponds says, taking a second to close his eyes and massage his temples, "Why? Why didn't you tell Rex yesterday? Why didn't you tell anyone for two years?"
"I was a coward," Fox shrugs, fake nonchalant. Unlike you. I know you won't understand, he wants to say, but he bites his tongue. Ponds has never run from hard truths or his own fears, he jokes it's because he's always worried so he doesn't have much of a choice; but self-deprecating quips aside, Ponds is straightforward and brave and would have never have never let things get this far like Fox had, it wouldn't have taken ordering a kill order on your little brother's vod'ika for him to finally shape up and come clean.
"I know you. I know there's more to it than that," Ponds corrects slowly, "You...There's a recondition risk, or even decomming, to worry about. It sounds like you don't have much of a clue of what's really happening, anyways."
"I tried to tell myself it was the stress, at first," Fox says bitterly, "Then the medics didn't know what to do about it, and I just-- I just thought I was broken, somehow, that the kaminoans had done a really karked up job-- but it...It seemed, manageable. I wanted to carry on, I wanted to keep my men safe for as long as I could, so I ignored all the warning signs. And here we are."
And here is an example of the very few times Ponds has missed the mark, because Fox was a coward, and still is because he can't even look him in the eyes.
He sees Ponds's grip tighten on the armrest, and doesn't need to see the man's face to know he too is marinating in his anxiety.
"So...So the chancellor is behind this, you think?" Ponds sighs, "Lovely. Head of the Republic and our ultimate boss can possibly pull at our strings, because I reckon this is some kaminoan engineered bulshit. Well, I understand why my General dislikes him so strongly now."
"A lot of it points back to him, yes but it doesn't excuse how I handled it. Any of it. I've been a liability for far too long, Ponds, and if-- if this is what happens when I lose time, than I've not just been negligent, I've been reckless--"
"Fox--,"
"I ordered my men to fire on the girl! Isn't that why you're here?! I don't need pity, Ponds, I need you to stop me if this gets any worse! Or now, for fucks sake, your General's a head of the council I'm sure he'd--"
"That's enough," Ponds says getting out of his seat and stepping around Fox's desk to stand directly in front of him, "If you're asking me to court-martial you, or turn you over to the longnecks to be "fixed", then you're even stupider than we all thought."
"Ponds, I won't be responsible for--"
"Fox'ika, look at me. And I do mean look at me," Ponds says, tapping lightly on the side of Fox's bucket before moving the hand down to rest on his shoulder.
"I can see you just fine like this,"
Ponds rolls his eyes, and takes Fox's helmet off with his free hand. Fox barely resists flinching as Ponds carefully lifts it off and sets it on his desk, which probably doesn't go unnoticed by Ponds-- things never do, despite Fox's best efforts. He sees Ponds's eyes flicker towards the bruise on his jaw for a moment, before meeting his again.
"We'll sort this out, Fox'ika, in some way that keeps you safe and gets us answers," Ponds says gently, like it's that simple.
"He's the chancellor of the fucking republic, and he hasn't even done anything illegal yet. Him making me order the men to kill Commander Tano was-- he shouldn't have done it, but he can do it and more. We can't touch him. And the council won't believe me without evidence, Ponds."
"If the Chancellor is using you to carry out his orders blindly somehow, I wouldn't be surprised if he's bending the rules in other ways. Even if he has--" Ponds grimaces, the words clearly tasting bad as he spits them out, "--'good intentions' to protect the Republic, just by going wildly out of his jurisdiction and hurting you and the kid to do it, or some kark. That kind of corruption leaves a trail. Maybe we'll get him on tax evasion."
Fox snorts, chest burning with affection and something dangerously close to hope, "You haven't gotten the optimism knocked out of you yet, I see."
"No, no I haven't," Ponds smiles, a little sad.
And it finally clicks that this wasn't some self righteous fury that brought him to Fox's office. Well, that too, but he'd been genuinely hoping for some real explanation. He'd been betting on Fox against all logical reasoning.
This motherfucker.
"You-- shit," Fox's voice cracks and he ducks his head down again as his eyes burn. Ponds pulls him closer to his chest into a hug, and Fox staying in line with his track record for tonight and his life in general, selfishly doesn't try to fight it.
"You should be with Rex," He says, once he finally gets enough control over himself again to risk talking without worry of his voice wavering.
Rex has lost a friend. Not to the normal way, not by marching on, but lost a dear friend all the same. However shitty Fox feels as a result of wallowing in his self pity, Rex must be worse off. Rex is the one deserving of this hug and the empathy Ponds is extending to Fox, not him.
"I've been with Rex for the last two days. Cody's with him now, so I thought it was time to tackle the other problem."
"I'm flattered."
Ponds sighs again (because Fox's world is a little less off-kilter now, and normal comes with lots of tired Ponds sighs) and pulls away.
"Come on. Let's take care of that," Ponds gestures at the bruise, "And get to bed. I'm fucking exhausted and I know you must be too. Debatably treasonous acts can wait til tomorrow."
Fox nods. There'll be plenty of apologies to make, because he knows Ponds will want Cody involved in this at the very least (and with Cody comes Rex), and he has no idea where he'll fit "investigating your boss for possible mind control or some other crime" into his schedule-- but it's a start. He's hit rock bottom and come clean, so hopefully there's nowhere to go but up.