Work Text:
Tommy sat curled into himself, knees hugged tightly to his chest. His eyes were vacant, searching in the distance for something. He wasn’t entirely sure what. Something that could solve this sense of dread growing ever so steadily. Like a snowball rolling downhill, picking up more and more until it would all come crashing down.
Sometimes it felt like it already had. At times like this, with his mind scrambling for purchase as an avalanche buried him under. Everything was muffled and numb.
Sometimes he wondered how many more avalanches he could take before he was buried for good.
Tommy heard a knock, and his mind slowly forced itself to gain balance. Enough to at least put on a mask. He wiped at his eyes, trying to rub the quiet tears away as he took a deep breath.
“Come in.”
The door creaked open, Wilbur entering with a smile. “Hey, Toms. Just wanted to let you know we had plans tomorrow. We’re gonna head to the mall and then maybe out to eat.”
Tommy gave a small smile and nodded. “Alright.”
Part of him hoped Wilbur would see right through his strained smile. That Wilbur would be able to tell Tommy wasn’t really here. But the other hoped Wilbur would close the door and let him wallow alone and in peace. Where his own mind would eventually find its way out of the fuzziness by itself.
The idea of opening up made him want to gag.
“Are you alright?” Wilbur asked, concern bringing a frown to his face.
“Not really, but I will be.” Tommy nodded to himself.
Wilbur did not seem appeased with this answer. “Do you want to talk about it?”
“No, I really don’t,” Tommy said, curling further into himself on the bed.
Wilbur waited a moment, letting the silence drag on between them. Giving Tommy a moment to breathe.
A moment to disappear back into the snow.
Wilbur then made his way further into the room, shutting the door behind him and settling on the end of Tommy’s bed. “C’mere.”
Tommy sniffled, dragging himself up and slotting himself next to the man. Wilbur wrapped an arm around Tommy’s shoulder, dragging him down. Tommy made a confused noise, but let the man maneuver him.
Tommy found himself settled in Wilbur’s lap, ear resting on the man’s heart. An arm wrapped around Tommy’s back, another under his legs, keeping him cradled like a small child despite being an adult now.
They didn’t speak. Wilbur simply brushed his fingers through Tommy’s hair from time to time as Tommy’s eyes grew distant. A steady drumming filled the blond’s mind. Tommy focused in on it, letting it be a grounding source of comfort in this suffocating ice. Some type of rope to keep him from going too far.
Wilbur was warm.
Something vibrated under him, Tommy glancing up to see the man with his own eyes closed. Wilbur rocked them back and forth ever so gently, a quiet hum vibrating through his body and into Tommy’s.
Then, the man began to sing.
“Somewhere, over the rainbow,
Way up high…
And the dreams that you dream…
Once in a lullaby~
Oh, somewhere over the rainbow,
Bluebirds fly~”
Tommy felt his heart beating faster, fingers twisting into the fabric of Wilbur’s shirt. His mind was suddenly carried somewhere else. A feeling overriding his numbness with a strange sense of nostalgic calm. His mind pulled at the rope, trying to find its connection. Trying to find the source of this nostalgia.
He wanted it back. He wanted to know how to feel this again. When had he felt this before? This overwhelming calm. Distant but safe. Floating yet tethered .
He barely caught a memory, it nearly disappearing in a flash. He grasped it tightly, fingers twisting even tighter as his breathing picked up.
He could see it. He was so young. Small enough to fit in Wilbur’s lap fully. Maybe 6? He wasn’t sure. But he was here. Just like this, lying down and listening to the man’s heartbeat. To the same song Wilbur sang now. Tommy could just barely visualize the look of adoration on the man’s face as he sang.
Tommy felt himself hiccup, tears starting to stream down his face.
That was such a happy memory. Why was he crying?
It was safety. It was everything he wanted. It was pure innocent bliss. Unknowing of the horrors the world had to offer. Unknowing of the responsibilities that would soon collapse on his small shoulders. Unknowing of all the suffering.
Tommy buried his face in Wilbur’s shirt, sobbing harder. Wilbur had stopped singing, gently rubbing his back.
“What’s wrong? Do you need me to stop?”
Tommy shook his head violently, hiccuping and crying. “Don’ stop. Don’t.”
Wilbur didn’t ask any further questions, simply beginning his song where he left off. His voice was deep and gravelly, tingling Tommy’s mind. Like the bumps and grooves of Wilbur’s hand in his own. The calluses in Wilbur’s voice were soothing to the touch.
And there, in Wilbur’s arms, Tommy cried. He cried for what had been. He cried for a future in which it would never be again. A fanciful hope that he could one day replicate the emotions of his childhood. He cried at the loss of peace, his mind seeming to be incapable of ever releasing this weight on him.
He cried, wanting nothing more than to go back to the child he once was.
“What if… what if I never feel like that again?” Tommy asked, sniffling as his mind began to resign itself to what felt like its new permanent state of numbness.
Wilbur hummed questioningly, brushing fingers through blond curls. Tommy reached up to wipe the sticky tears away from his face, but a large hand found its way to the tears first, wiping them up with ease.
“What if I never feel at peace again? Like I did as a kid? What if it only ever gets worse from here? What if the feeling I hope to find is something that doesn’t really exist?”
Silence met him. And while to some, the silence may have felt like an answer in and of itself. But something told Tommy Wilbur had an answer. He always did.
Wilbur let out a breath. “I don’t know, kiddo. I think… I think the peace you’re looking for is real. I think it’s right here. As a kid you don’t… you simply don’t know about the stressors you do now. It isn’t being a kid it’s… Letting your troubles go. And maybe we can never be trouble-free forever, but I think there are moments where we can relish in peace. We just have to take a moment and just… breathe. Breathe and let yourself be free of these earthly chains. And while life isn’t easy, it isn’t hopeless. I’m here. I’m here to be your shelter. No matter how old you get, that’s what I’ll always be. So, can you do that for me now, sunshine? Can you just let yourself be free, for a minute?”
Tommy’s throat bobbed as he swallowed, vision blurry as more tears silently fell. “Yeah. I can—I can try.”
Wilbur leaned down, kissing his forehead before pulling back. The man continued his rocking, song picking back up. Later, he’d tell Tommy that this was his peace. That holding him, being his shelter, was his rest. But that was a conversation for the morning. For now, he needed to put as much gentleness and softness into his voice as he could. As if Tommy’s mindstate was a fragile piece of glass wrapped only in his song.
“Someday I’ll make a wish upon a star,
Wake up where the clouds are far behind me,
Where troubles melt away like lemon drops,
High above the chimney top,
That’s where you’ll find me.”
Tommy let his eyes flutter shut, mind already starting to drift. As the troubles of the world began to drag him down, he focused on the delicate sound of a songbird. He began to float. His lips parted just slightly, quiet breaths escaping him as something between awake and asleep overtook him.
That night, Tommy soared above the clouds. That night, Tommy flew with bluebirds.
That night, Tommy was free, high above a rainbow.