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Happy Hogan had never had the most skill when it came to romantic relationships. And for the longest time, hadn’t had the most skill in any kind of relationship—his best friend was his boss.
So, when he met May Parker and convinced her to go on a date with him he was equally surprised and excited. And the date had gone…amazingly. Before the night was even over, while still in the car, she was already offering the next free spot in her schedule.
It wasn’t until the fifth date that she dropped a bit of a bomb.
“What?” Happy asked when he saw May hiding a smile behind her hand.
“Oh, it’s nothing,” She said as she waved her hand slightly. “It’s just when you focus, you remind me of my nephew.” This time she didn’t bother to hide her fond smile as she shook her head. “It’s gotten better but he still has a bad case of, uh what’s it called, resting bitch face? His words, not mine.
“Yeah, so after years of him scowling more than smiling, he finally comes home and asks me ‘do I really have a resting bitch face?’’ and all I could tell him was he could definitely work on smiling more.” May sniffed and took a sip of her water. “Apparently his friend had pointed it out to him.”
Happy laughed even as a slight twinge of nervousness welled in him. “Back in the day I actually was nicknamed Happy and unfortunately as you can see, I’ve yet to free myself from it.” He waited a moment for May’s snickers to die down before asking: “So, your nephew?”
Even as May wilted slightly, her smile remained on her face. “He lost his parents when he was young so me and my late husband, his uncle, raised him as our own.”
Happy cleared his throat as he tried to process everything. “So, uh, how old is he?”
May brightened considerably.
It lingered in his mind. He was serious about May and he knew that to continue the relationship, he had to have Peter’s approval.
May smoothed out her maxi skirt as she took a deep breath. “How would you feel about having dinner with me and Peter this weekend?”
Happy hadn’t thought twice before agreeing.
He didn’t regret agreeing, but he was a little concerned by the small window of time he had to prepare himself.
“You’re extra happy today, Haps. What’s up with that?” Tony asked as he took another bite of his lunch.
Happy rolled his eyes at the sarcasm. “So, I met someone.”
Tony gestured for him to go on looking far too interested.
“And we’ve gone on a few dates.”
“Uh-huh.”
Happy wrung his hands under the desk. “It’s not…too serious, yet.”
Tony’s eyebrows lifted. “Why not? Do you want it to be?”
“Of course I want it to be.” He scrubbed his face with his hands. “She’s got a kid.”
Tony sucked in a breath through his teeth. “Don’t tell me the kid doesn’t like you.”
“Well, I’ve never met him. He just moved out recently, actually. Eighteen.”
“Huh,” There was an odd note to Tony’s voice that he didn’t pay too much mind to.
“I’m meeting him this weekend, we’re having dinner at her place,” Happy continued.
“Okay…do you know anything about him?”
“Not really. I know he’s smart, though.”
Tony perked up. “Do you know his favorite subject? Maybe you can talk about that? You could ask him about college, maybe?”
Happy hummed to himself. “She did mention he was working on a degree in biochem.” When he glanced back up at Tony, he was nodding to himself.
“Say, if this goes well and you two get really serious, you should introduce me to this kid. My, um, friend’s really into biochemistry.”
Happy raised an eyebrow. “I’m not entirely certain Spider-Man would want to meet my girlfriend’s kid.”
“What makes you think I was talking about Spidey?”
“I can no longer count on one hand the number of times you’ve told me that Spider-Man manufactures his own webbing.”
“Alright, point taken.”
-
Happy cracked his knuckles a few times as he waited for May to get to the door.
“Hey!” May opened the door with a smile, tucking a stray strand of hair behind her ear.
“I’m not late, I hope.” Happy lifted the cake he got from the nearby bakery. “I brought desert.”
May accepted the cake with a thankful look. “You’re right on time.” She moved to the side to let Happy in.
The apartment was smaller but it was nice. “Is that him?” He heard a somewhat familiar voice call.
Why was it familiar?
“Oh!” The man, Peter his mind supplied, exclaimed. The look of surprise was quickly replaced by a more mild expression.
“You must be Peter,” Happy started as he held out his hand, “Harold Hogan, my friends call me Happy.”
Peter smiled and accepted the handshake. “There’s a story behind that, I hope?”
May watched the two of them. “Yeah, Happy, I don’t think I ever got the story behind the name.”
“I earned the nickname back when I was still a boxer from my reluctance to smile.”
“Boxer?” Peter questioned.
Happy felt a shred of hope, maybe they had something in common. “Yeah. That’s actually how I met my boss.”
Peter nodded. “That’s cool! I’ve always been more into wrestling than boxing, though. Watching, of course.”
Happy nodded. “Maybe one day I could show you a few things? Teach you some self-defense?” He glanced at May.
May nodded encouragingly.
“I can’t promise I’ll be any good.” Peter laughed. “But you're welcome to try to teach me.”
.
The nerves were slowly beginning to settle throughout dinner.
“So, Peter,” Happy started when the conversation was slowing, “May tells me you’re into science, yeah?”
Peter nodded as he finished chewing his bite of pasta. “I do okay.”
May rolled her eyes and gently knocked Peter on his shoulder. “This kid has a full-ride scholarship because of his smarts.”
“May,” Peter complained.
“That’s great, Peter!” Happy said, “What degree are you going for?”
“Biochemistry and maybe I’ll go for biophysics, too, in the future.”
Happy nodded. “That’s awesome. Where do you plan on working?” Under the table, he crossed his fingers that Peter wouldn’t say: OsCorp, Viastone, or Baintronics.
Peter hummed. “I’d like to work at Stark Industries one day.”
“That internship really convinced you to leave OsCorp in the dust, huh?” May joked.
Peter swallowed for a brief moment before clearing his throat. “What can I say? Stark Industries is simply better than OsCorp. Check the stocks if you don’t believe me.”
“I’ll take your word for it,” May said.
“And what about you, Happy? What do you do?” Peter asked, setting his dishes to the side.
“I’m the Head of Security at Stark Industries.”
“Oh, yeah? That sounds like fun. I bet it’s a very exciting job.”
Happy made a so-so motion. “It can be. Not always in a good way, though.”
Peter hummed as he rested his cheek on his fist. “Have you ever met Spider-Man? He hangs around that place occasionally.”
“I’ve seen him around a few times,” Happy answered. “How do you know?”
“He sells photos of Spider-Man to The Daily Bugle,” May supplied.
Happy winced. “My boss hates that place. Uh, no offense.”
Peter laughed with a dismissive wave. “None taken, most of what’s printed is ridiculous anyway. I remember one of the headlines: Spider-Man Is Ruining the Economy.”
“How did he connect Spider-Man to the economy?”
“He didn’t,” Peter deadpanned. “But, it pays the bills.”
“Right. So you asked about Spider-Man?”
Peter nodded. “Just curious to see how you feel about him.”
“I’m personally not in love with him hiding his identity. How can we hold him accountable if we don’t know who he is?”
“The people who would be in charge of holding him accountable know his identity, though,” Happy piped up. “If that makes you feel any better.”
“See, Happy likes Spider-Man,” Peter pointed out with a grin.
May rolled her eyes. “You and I both know you only like Spider-Man because of the money, don’t even start.”
Something about that had Peter laughing hard enough to throw his head back. And there was something Happy wasn’t quite able to put his finger on.
.
“You already went through the trouble of making this,” May argued as she tried to swipe the sponge from Peter, “I really don’t mind cleaning it up.”
Peter refused to budge from his position in front of the sink. “And I don’t mind cleaning it up!”
May lasted another fifteen seconds before admitting defeat with a pointed glare and returning to the couch.
“He’s a good kid,” Happy said, quiet enough that Peter shouldn’t be able to hear it.
May beamed at him and began telling the story of why Peter had learned to cook in the first place.
It didn’t take long before Peter emerged from the kitchen, wiping his slightly damp hands on his hips to dry them. “Well, it was wonderful to meet you, Happy, but my ride will be here soon.”
May hummed and looked between the two of them. “Happy, why don’t you walk him out?”
Even though Peter had been nothing but friendly, if a bit shocked at first, Happy couldn’t get past the nervous feeling when the door to May’s apartment shut.
“So, Happy,” Peter started, and there was something about his tone that sounded so familiar…”I’m sure you saw this question coming a mile away but, are you serious about Aunt May?”
“Of course,” He answered easily and honestly.
Peter nodded slowly as he tapped his fingers on the railing of the staircase. “Alright.”
Happy waited a few seconds. “That’s it?”
With a shrug, “Pretty much.”
Happy blinked. Out of habit, he opened and held the door for Peter, immediately scanning his surroundings when he got outside.
Almost immediately his eyes locked on a familiar car. He would have thought it was someone else if Tony hadn’t climbed out of the car to point at him.
“What are you doing here? I thought you were having dinner with your…” Tony narrowed his eyes before shaking his head. “No. There’s no way.”
“If there’s a will, there’s a way,” Peter chirped as he walked toward Tony.
Tony turned his gaze to Peter. “Zip it, brat. I’ll interrogate you in the car.”
Peter only rolled his eyes. “Hey, I just found out today, too.”
“I’m sorry, do you two know each other?” Happy glanced between Peter and Tony.
“We’re-” Peter’s answer was cut off by Tony smacking a hand over his mouth.
Tony, on the other hand, ignored the question entirely. “What’s the name of your girlfriend, again?”
“May,” Happy answered as he watched the two of them. “Seriously, what am I missing?”
Tony sighed. “So, it’s true. This isn’t some kind of weird coincidence.”
Peter pushed Tony’s hand away from his mouth. “I think it’s great.”
“What the fuck?” Tony asked. “I had to work for months to get you to like me,”
“Not true,” Peter interrupted.
“And this guy,” Tony continued.
“One of the few people you trust,” Peter pointed out.
“Walks up and you’re just—cool with him? Cool with him enough to support him dating your aunt?!”
Peter shrugged. “Sure I’m still a little salty he ignored me when I warned him about the Vulture, but, hey, I’m not one to hold grudges.”
The Vulture?
Tony scoffed. “Yes, you are. Don’t think I haven’t seen the way you glare at Rogers.”
Peter sniffed and crossed his arms. “That doesn’t count.”
“Peter, you hold grudges against people you don’t even know!”
Peter only rolled his eyes and shook his head in exasperation in such a familiar way…
“You’re Spider-Man,” Happy muttered under his breath, “Oh my God, my girlfriend’s kid is Spider-Man.”
Peter jabbed a finger in his direction. “Do you see what you’ve done, Tony? Now he knows my secret identity.”
Things were slowly beginning to make a lot more sense.
“How is it my fault he knows? You’re the one who brought up the Vulture!”
“No need to bring past mistakes into this, Tony.” Peter raised his hands in a surrender motion.
“It happened less than five minutes ago!”
“And I have changed since then, I am practically a new man,” Peter continued calmly as a shit-eating grin spread across his face.
Tony's sigh was more fond than angry. “Shut up and get in the car.”
Happy watched as Peter slid into the front seat before turning to Tony. He wished he could summon words as Tony pointed at him and said: “We will be talking about this later.”
-
The next time Tony stalked into his office it was not to eat lunch with him.
“Alright. It’s time we had a talk.”
“I agree.” Happy closed his laptop and pushed it to the side slightly. “What the fuck were you thinking taking a minor to Germany? Did May know why you took her kid out of the country or did you lie to her face?”
Tony blinked. “Technically, Peter was the one who was lying first.”
“Oh, wow, well that changes everything.”
Tony ignored him. “And at the time, I didn’t think it would turn into an altercation. I regret it, alright. Bringing Spider-Man to Germany was a huge mistake.”
“Well, if it ever comes out, I want it to be on RECORD that I had no idea Peter was Spider-Man and I had no part in him coming to Germany.”
There was a brief flash of hurt that was quickly replaced with anger. “Right, because I always throw my best friends under the bus.”
Happy sighed and ran a hand down his face. “I didn’t mean it like that. I just really like May and I don’t-”
Tony shifted slightly before plopping down on one of the chairs in the office. “I know. If and when she finds out, I’ll make sure she knows you had no part in it. That you were just as in the dark as she was.”
“Except I’m not anymore,” Happy said, “How am I supposed to just- go on? I can’t just lie to her face, Tony!”
Tony rubbed his hands on his knees. “I’m not sure what to tell you, Happy.”
“Maybe you shouldn’t tell me anything,” Happy suggested, “Maybe you should tell May-”
“I can’t,” Tony snapped. “It’s not my secret to tell, Happy, don’t you get that?”
“You’ve spilled plenty of people’s secrets before, Boss.”
“Not his.” Tony narrowed his eyes. “I don’t think you understand the full gravity of all of this, Happy.
“He’s not…” Tony stumbled, “Like Rogers, Happy.”
Happy blinked. “What do you mean?”
“He doesn’t go by Spider-Man because he likes spiders, Hogan,” Tony answered pointedly. “I’ve done the scans and the tests.”
“So, he’s a mutant?” Happy tried as his mind scrambled to piece things together.
“Mutate, actually.” Tony cracked his knuckles.
Happy mulled it over for a moment. “May loves Peter, and she deserves to know the truth.”
“She does,” Tony agreed, “But Peter deserves to be the one to tell her. Not you and not me. The whole dressing up and stopping crime is only the tip of the fucking iceberg.”
“But, what am I supposed to do?”
“I don’t know.” Tony shrugged. “Pretend that you found out he was gay and dating Harry Osborn. He isn't, by the way. That was just a hypothetical.”
Happy put his head in his hands. “I feel like that would be an easier secret to keep.”
“If it makes you feel any better, his suit contains many protocols to keep him safe. He has my personal number, suits at his beck and call for backup, and access to top-of-the-line medical equipment and some of the best doctors.”
“You really care about him.”
“Of course,” Tony answered despite it not being a question.
“Is that why you were so against me dating May? Because you were worried about May finding out?”
Tony pressed his lips together for just a second before averting his gaze. “Oh, yeah. Definitely.”
“Wait, if it wasn’t that then what was it?” Happy questioned.
Tony waved his hand as he stood up. “Nothing. You had it right the first time. Anyway, I better leave; I've got meetings to get to. Bye.”
A few minutes later, Tony was peeking his head back into the doorway. “And don’t listen to anything Rhodey says. He speaks lies.”
Happy’s phone vibrated with a response.
Rhodey: “Peter Parker? The one Tony’s claimed as his kid? Or are you asking about a different Peter?”
Happy looked up at Tony with a disbelieving look. “Does Peter know?”
Tony pointed at him accusingly. “We just had a conversation about secrets that aren’t yours to tell.”
Happy raised his hands in surrender. “And I promise I won’t say but, come on, you at least owe me this.”
Tony’s face scrunched. “I don’t owe you shit.”
“Come on,” Happy goaded.
“There’s really nothing to tell,” Tony tried as he stepped back into the office.
“So Peter doesn’t know?”
Tony rolled his eyes. “No, Peter doesn’t know and I’m not telling him either.”
“Why not?”
“Because it’ll make things weird! Oh, hey, kid, I’ve kind of accidentally claimed you as my son, is that okay?”
“I mean, the phrasing’s a little off but that’s a good first draft.”
Tony glared at him. “I’m serious, Happy, I can’t tell him.”
Happy sighed. “Do you at least want me to put out some feelers?”
“No!” Tony refused before slouching. “I already thought of asking you to do that. But, Peter’s observant and smart; he’ll figure it out.”
Happy rubbed his chin. “And why, exactly, can’t you tell him?”
Tony looked dangerously close to throttling him. “I already told you, it would make things weird.”
“How?”
His friend dropped his head into his hands. “This conversation is just going to keep going in circles.”
“Because you keep making it go in circles.”
Tony lifted his head just enough to glare at him. “Why do you even care about whether I tell Peter?”
Happy held his gaze. “Because you’re my best friend and I care about you.”
“Aw, thank you, Happy. But you know your place is already secured in my will, right?”
“Is Peter’s?” Happy just couldn’t help himself.
Tony stood. “I’m out of here. I don’t have to take this.”
“Just think about it!” Happy called despite already knowing that’s what Tony was going to do anyway.
-
Happy sniffed as he watched Spider-Man make his exit: falling backwards out of the open window.
“What?” Tony asked, pausing in his motion to replace his glasses.
With a shake of his head. “Oh, nothing, Boss.”
“Seriously, what is it?” Tony tapped his foot on the floor.
“I just think it’s nice how much he cares about you.”
Tony leaned his head back. “Ugh, not this again!”
“You asked,” Happy pointed out.
Tony huffed. “I’m about to forbid you from talking to Rhodey.”
“You can’t do that.”
“I’m Tony Stark I can do everything.”
Dare he?