Chapter Text
Kick. Another kick. The round black pebble flies a few feet forward before Kim kicks it again and the whole thing repeats. The tiny rock reminds Kim himself. He is shoved around in life just like the pebble that he has been kicking for a minute now. Neither one of them is able to do anything to stop the force that keeps on thrusting them around. However, the rock doesn’t feel pain and Kim does. He faces difficult situations and experiences all kinds of emotions and feelings after being pushed by the unfortunate force yet again.
After one particularly hard kick the tiny pebble flew into the lawn. A disappointed sigh left Kim’s lips. He doesn’t have anything to play with anymore. Nothing he could shove around and feel like he has power over.
Now that he has nothing interesting to look at on the path, the teen runs his eyes around the park. The place is drowning in the tree shadows that the setting sun was casting. The last rays made the place look magical. They painted the sky with warm orange and yellowish-red colors. The soft and calming sky shades that mixed with the long eerie shadows made Kim stop in his track. The scenery looked like the most ravishing painting he has ever seen. And Kim has seen many wondrous paintings in his eighteen years of life.
With his oldest brother being an art journalist it was impossible to not have at least the minimum knowledge about art. During holidays, weekends or other days when Kim has time he tags along with Tankhun to art exhibitions or museums to see the newest artists’ artworks display. They also go to the theaters and cinemas to see the latest plays and movies. Tankhun would often start to go on about the creators of the pieces or the artwork itself and as someone, who is also quite interested in art, Kim would always carefully listen to everything his older brother said. During all those exhibition and cinema visits Kim gathered considerable knowledge about art, artists and has seen more sculptures and drawings than anyone else he knew. Besides Tankhun, of course.
Kim was woken up from his haze by the ear-piercing scream of a little child that just tripped over further away in the huge playground. He snapped his head to the direction of the noise and saw how the kid’s mother rushed to her son with a worried expression. Poor guy was already weeping and gripping his bruised knee.
Tearing his gaze off the two people Kim continued strolling down the path without a hurry. After a couple of minutes he stopped by an old bench and flopped down on it. Kim immediately noticed the already peeling paint and his fingers unconsciously traveled to the spot. He scratched the peeled layer of paint with his nail, trying to get rid of it. The teen was bored and thought that it would be a good way to pass the time.
Kim let his gaze roam around the park freely. But it didn’t take long before he noticed the four teens that looked around his age playing volleyball in the court further away from him. Kim couldn't help but stare at them. They were playing in pairs of one boy and one girl. Kim also heard them scream in English a few times while the ball was frying over the net from one side to the other. Something along the lines of ‘Kazuha spike!’ and ‘Pass the ball to me you dumbass!’ was said and Kim assumed that the two girls were foreigners. It didn’t really matter at that moment. Kim was only interested in the game. He saw how one of the boys flawlessly served the ball, then later on passed it to his teammate and hit it earning a point. The same girl that called him a dumbass a minute before ran to the boy high-fiving him with a huge smile plastered on her face. Kim could see that the boy was skilled and knew what he was doing in the court. He saw how the other two teens rolled their eyes playfully at the duos’ celebration and said something, but Kim couldn’t hear it. Probably something about continuing the game, since not even a second later they started playing again.
Kim felt envy creep up his body and bittersweet memories flood his mind. Volleyball used to be his everything. Kim had played it since he was seven. The boy spent more time in the court practicing the moves than in his own room. And he was good. More than good actually. Kim was a marvelous player. The coach always praised him and often set him as an example for his teammates. Kim was even planning his future as a professional volleyball player. He saw himself in the city’s team in a few years and dreamed about making it into the national team one day too. But he ruined everything.
A couple of years ago Kim tripped on the stairs and broke his wrist. He can still feel the pain when he thinks about the accident. He remembers crying out and grabbing his right wrist on instinct. His mother and the oldest brother then ran from the kitchen in a hurry. Kim kept on repeating that his wrist hurt like hell, so his mother drove him to the hospital. The doctors said that it would take about three months for the wrist to heal. In the meantime they forbid him from any physical activity and advised to try and not use the hand too much to avoid deterioration.
But Kim was stubborn and didn’t listen. Not even six weeks later his team had a match against another school’s team. Kim had said to the coach that the injury wasn’t that serious and he just needed a few weeks off before he could play again. He didn’t mention that he had a broken wrist nor that it could take three months for it to fully heal. So he joined the team for the game. Kim knew that his wrist wasn’t healed. It still stung from time to time, especially when he moved his hand too much. But he couldn’t skip an important game. There was no way he would tell anyone that he actually still couldn’t play.
Kim stepped inside the court and smiled hearing people cheer for their team. He loved that sound and the feeling it gave. It made Kim all warm and excited inside. It brought him happiness.
After a short warm up the referee blew the whistle announcing the start of the game. The opponent team had the ball and started playing by hitting it over the net. Kim’s teammate received the ball and passed it to another guy. Kim was following the ball without even blinking, ready to spike when it reached him. And he didn't have to wait long because the last volleyball touch was granted to him as a spiker. The moment Kim’s hand collided with the ball he felt terrible pain striking his wrist. It felt way worse than when he tripped on the stairs a few weeks ago. The boy bit his lip harshly to not cry out loud and brought his hand closer to himself. He didn’t care about the game anymore, all he could think about was the pain that got worse with every passing second. All the sounds of people cheering, teenagers screaming at each other to receive or hit the ball, the shoe squeaking and the referee’s whistles merged into one loud chaos that rang in his ears.
“Kim, what happened? Are you okay?” Kim felt a hand land on his shoulder and then heard one of his teammate’s, who stood behind him, voice.
The sudden touch startled him and Kim snapped his head to the direction of where the voice came from. Then everything happened too fast for him to comprehend. The other boy’s face turned from worried to scared in seconds when he saw Kim holding onto his injured wrist. Their team's coach suddenly appeared next to Kim and all the teens on the court and on the bleachers had their eyes on him.
Kim couldn't grasp what was happening. The pain in his wrist wouldn’t let him focus on anything else. He barely noticed how he was led out of the court and seated into his coach’s car. By the time the coach parked next to the hospital tears were streaming down Kim’s face as he prayed to every possible god and spirit to take away the pain.
The hospital, of course, called his mother and she was there in about thirty minutes. She walked inside the ward where Kim was sitting on the hospital bed looking down at his wrist. The doctor and nurses gave him pain relievers and did an x-ray. That was the moment Kim heard the ghastly news. He won’t be able to play volleyball ever again. The doctor explained that putting too much pressure on the wrist will result in awful pain and even worse injury. Since Kim didn’t let the broken bone fully heal the trauma this time was way worse than before and the teen will have to suffer its consequences for a long time.
After hearing the old woman’s words Kim bit his lip again to stop the hot salty tears from rolling down his cheeks for the second time that day. The heaviness inside his chest and the anger he felt towards himself was even worse than the pain of a broken wrist. Kim wanted to slap himself and punch someone. He regretted playing that day, he regretted being so foolish and irresponsible and ruining his future. Volleyball was his everything, so how was he supposed to suddenly live without it?
Every time Kim sees someone playing volleyball he is hit with a huge wave of guilt, regret and memories of his last game that crushed his dream of becoming a professional player.
He followed the four teenagers’ game for a couple more minutes. His eyes glued to the boy that had his back turned to Kim. He wondered if the boy was on the volleyball team considering how skilled he was. Even if he wasn’t Kim was still jealous of him, of them all actually, but mostly of the talented boy. He could play as much as he wanted and he was a great player. And when Kim sees great players he gets annoyed because that should be him in that volleyball court playing, it should be him who others look at and think about what an amazing player he is. He should be living his dream right now. But instead of getting into a team and making a career as a professional volleyball player, Kim will start studying law in university in a couple of months.
The envy and annoyance that kept building up inside Kim made him finally look away from the court with a huff. He should really stop thinking about the injury and what would have happened if his fifteen year old self wasn’t so careless and acted more mature back then.
“Kim!” a cheerful voice distracted him from the awful memories.
Kim snapped his head to the direction of where it came from and saw a couple of girls strolling down the park’s path towards him. It was his best friends. Their hands intertwined as the shorter blonde girl was swinging it back and forth. (Kim actually still has to get used to her blonde hair. He was used to her chocolate hair so the new color looked a little peculiar. Though she still looked very pretty. They even started calling her a Barbie because of the new color.) The tiny girl wore a pink crop top and light jeans making her look even more like a doll. On the other hand, the taller girl was dressed in an oversized black t-shirt and loose jogger pants. The pair were complete opposites when it came to their styles and personalities, however they worked perfectly together. The always happy and bubbly Arkira and the always grumpy Chanthira, who looked like she was ready to kill someone at any moment, were meant for each other.
Kim smiled a little at his friends and waved at them. Arkira enthusiastically waved back and fastened her pace, dragging her girlfriend after herself.
“Kimmy, hi!” the blonde smiled widely after stopping next to the bench and looked down at the older boy.
“Hi, Ar.” Kim greeted the girl back and turned his eyes to the other girl “Hey, Chan. How was your date?”
“Amazing. It’s always so fun with Chan.” Arkira said joyfully, making the other girl smile.
“That’s great.” Kim hummed and let his eyes wander back to the volleyball court. He just couldn’t stop himself from glancing at the four teens again.
They have switched sides now and Kim could finally clearly see the face of the boy who played so well. Kim had to admit that the boy was irritatingly attractive. The messy hair and the last rays of the setting sun made him look even more beautiful from afar. But that beauty somehow made Kim more annoyed with the boy. He was not only an amazing player but also beautiful. How in this world was this fair? Kim mentally rolled his eyes when he saw the pretty stranger run his fingers through his locks, pushing the hair out of his face and flashing a huge smile to his friends.
Suddenly his view was blocked. He hurriedly looked up and was met with Chanthira’s frowning face.
“Kim, stop staring at them.” the girl said and Kim rolled his eyes, this time for real.
“I was not.” he mumbled and the girl cocked her head to the side giving him a skeptical look.
“Oh really? Kim, you need to stop staring at the people that play volleyball every damn time you see them. You're only hurting yourself further more.” Chantire sighed, folding her hands over her chest.
“She is right, Kim. We have been saying the same thing for more than two years now.” Arkira also spoke up and Kim knew he just lost. They are stubborn and there is no point in arguing about it with them, especially when they had the same conversation a billion times before.
Arkira was Kim’s neighbor. Actually, that's how they became friends. The bright girl bestfriend Kim when they were three years old. Then later on, when they started going to school, the girl brought Chanthira to their little friend group, saying that the taller, introverted girl looked cool. Kim was pretty sure that Ar already had a tiny crush on Chanthira back then and that it was purely the reason why she brought the girl to their lunch table on the second day of school. Since they were friends for such a long time they have seen each other at their worst. That means that the two girls were there when Kim broke his wrist and when he worsened its condition again and got the terrible news. They were there for him and always tried to help him, make him feel better, comfort him. They were also the ones to scold him at moments like this. And it happened pretty often right after he got the news. They used to fight over it almost everyday.
“Whatever.” he mumbled and averted his eyes down to look at his lap.
Kim heard Arkira sigh and silence surrounded the three teens for a minute. He hated arguing with the two girls or making them sad. They were very dear to him and Kim loved them as his sisters. He always felt guilty for making them worried about him, but he couldn't just pretend like he didn't care about volleyball, like it wasn't his whole life. He couldn't just wake up one day and forget his love and passion for the game, sometimes he couldn't help but stare at people that played because Kim couldn't stop wishing it was him.
“Let's go to my house now, yeah?” the younger girl spoke up again and rested her palm on Kim’s shoulder, making sure to get his attention.
Kim looked up and nodded. The blonde girl smiled tenderly at him and stepped back letting him get up from the bench.
He stood up and the three started walking to the direction where he came from earlier. From the corner of his eyes Kim saw how the two girls intertwined their fingers. Not even a moment later Arkira’s hand wrapped around Kim’s arm, hauling him closer to her into a one-armed hug. The action made the boy’s lips twitch upwards. Even if he was annoying and hard to deal with sometimes (most of the time, actually), they still loved him no matter what. That made a warm feeling bloom inside Kim’s chest. Guilt and regret all slipping away. letting him relax and enjoy the two girls' company.
The walk to Arkira’s house was quiet. The couple knows Kim is not in the mood to talk after he gets reminded of the whole volleyball thing or after being caught yet again staring at someone playing the game. But the silence wasn’t uncomfortable or tense. Not at all. It felt nice to just saunter down the streets in quietude.
They reached Arkira's house and Kim glanced at his own yard, seeing his mother’s car parked in front of their garage. The light in the kitchen was on, so Kim guessed that she probably was having dinner with Kinn.
When the three finally got inside Arkira’s room Kim almost immediately flopped down on the fluffy carpet. He always sits or lies on the floor, letting the two girls take the bed. A habit he has acquired throughout all the years he spent going over at his best friend’s house.
He lied on his side and rested his head on one of the hands looking up at the two girls. Chanthira slumped down on the bed and grabbed the TV remote from the bedside table, turning it on. She switched the channels a few times before finding something she liked. It was some series that she and Arkira always watched. Even though Kim had asked what was the name of the series before, he still couldn't remember it. It’s not because he didn't like it, it’s because Kim just sucks at memorizing names of TV shows, songs, movies, books, cafes and literally anything else. If he is not obsessed with that thing he most likely won’t know the name of it. At first it bothered his family and the two girls, but after some time they got used to his horrible memory.
Meanwhile, the blonde girl strode to the tiny white table in the corner of the room and grabbed a small pink bag. Kim is well aware of what is inside it and what will happen next. It’s their usual activity when they hang out at Arkira’s house.
“Kimmy, scoot over a little. It’s time to paint your nails!” the girl exhorted Kim with a nudge on his side.
He immediately made space for her, letting Arkira get comfortable on the floor next to him. She opened the bag and took out all the nail polish bottles from there lining them up in front of them. The variety of colors was immense. Kim could swear that his best friend had nail polish in every existing color and shade.
“What are we choosing today?” she wondered out loud and turned to Kim.
“Black.” he pointed at the color and the girl nodded.
“I think we need one more, so it wouldn’t look so boring.” Arkira mumbled, grabbing the black nail polish and handing it to Kim. “Chan, what do you think?”
The older girl averted her eyes from the TV screen and looked down at her girlfriend, then at all the nail polish and slightly tilted her head to the side, pondering what color to choose.
“I’d say red for this week.” Chanthira finally answered and the blonde beamed at her.
“Thanks, babe!” with a huge smile still plastered on her face, Arkira grabbed Kim’s hand and laid it on her lap. “Stay still, Kim.” after these words left her mouth the girl opened the black nail polish bottle and started painting Kim’s nails.
Kim loved this part of their hangouts. Arkira painting his nails while they all watch the series and comment on the scenes and acting every few minutes. Quiet giggles and loud annoyed groans somewhere between all the talking. Feeling of being home and with your people. That was one of Kim’s favorite things.
Texts were flooding the group chat. Sometimes Arkira and Chanthira forgot that Kim was also there and texted without a break about almost everything. At those times Kim would just ignore them and mute the chat. However, this time the couple didn’t forget about his existence in the group. Kim was sitting on the living room couch reading all the messages the two girls were sending. They were asking if Kim wanted to meet up with them in a couple of hours at Chan’s house. Kim paused for a second thinking if he had any plans before nodding to himself and replying to the two girls that he will be able to come over later. Both girls cheered and Kim locked his phone, putting it next to him on the blanket.
He grabbed the TV remote ready to turn it on and watch some movie or show, but his plans were ruined when Kinn stepped inside the room and strolled straight to the couch flopping down next to him. His older brother wore a smile and looked at Kim. It wasn't unusual for Kinn to be grinning the whole day before the dates with his boyfriend, but Kim knew that the older one wanted something from him. After so many years he knew when his brother was smiling just because he was in a good mood and when he smiled because he had something in mind.
“What are you doing here, Kim?” the older man asked, wrapping his hand around Kim’s shoulders and bringing them closer. The action made the younger siblings frown.
“Making dinner, isn't it obvious, Kinn?” Kim rolled his eyes, making the older man laugh at his response.
“And I thought you were vacuuming the floor.”
“What do you want?” Kim sighed again and finally looked at his brother.
“I wanted to ask if you would like to go with me to meet up with Porsche.” Kinn explained and smiled again.
“You want me to third-wheel you on your date with Porsche?” Kim asked, confused. Sure he had hung out with his brother’s boyfriend before. Many times actually. Porsche was a cool guy, Kim liked him, they were basically best friends at this point, but wasn’t today supposed to be their date with just the two of them?
“You won’t be third-wheeling, don’t worry.” Kinn answered with a smile.
“I will pass this time, thank you.” Kim shrugged and faced TV again, turning it on.
“Come on, Kim. Let’s go, it will be fun.” Kinn nudged his side.
“Yes it would be fun, but I’m also having fun watching TV on our living room couch so no.” the younger said, switching the channels trying to find this one cartoon he saw last week.
“Kim, you wouldn’t die if you went out with your brother.” their mother said from the next room. She was in the kitchen, making food and must have heard their conversation since the two rooms are close to each other and the doors are always left open. Plus Kinn speaks quite loudly.
Kim groaned and threw his head back in annoyance. He can’t have one peaceful day in this household. His mother always has been the one to urge Kim to go out, make friends and have fun with them. She was delighted when Kim fell in love with volleyball and made even more friends on the team. But after the injury and the news that he will never be able to play volleyball again his mother became even more persistent and did everything in her power so he would go out with either Arkira and Chanthira or his brothers instead of locking himself in his room. And Kim nevers says no to his mom, so he ends up going wherever his friends or brothers take him. Kim loved his mother for always being supportive of him and wishing the best, but sometimes he really wished she stopped making him go out with his brothers everyday. No matter how much Kim loves his brothers, they are still siblings and he gets sick of them sometimes.
“But mom, we went out together last week.” Kim had a little hope that his mother would let him do whatever he wants after this, but he was wrong.
“My friend is coming over in like half an hour to drink some wine with me. We will sit in the living room, so you won't be able to watch TV for long anyway, honey.” the woman answered and Kim sighed.
“Fine I will go with you, give me five minutes to change some clothes.” the younger sibling mumbled and grabbed his phone before leaving the room.
It took Kim more than five minutes since he took his sweet time choosing what to wear and then staring at himself in the mirror to see if the outfit looked decent. After ten minutes, which felt like an eternity for Kinn, Kim stepped out of the house ready for this ‘hangout that was supposed to be his brother's date’. The two brothers ambled through the busy streets in silence. They were going to their usual hang out cafe a few streets away from their house.
“So why did you want me to come with you to your date with Porsche so bad?” Kim spoke up and glanced at the older.
“Because it’s not a date anymore.” Kinn shrugged. “Porsche's little brother came back from the exchange program a couple weeks ago. I have met him a few times already and I and Porsche both think it would be a good idea for you two to meet each other too and maybe become friends since you two are the same age” the older explained with a smile.
“Kinn, you don’t need to worry about my friend circle, I have them, okay?” Kim rolled his eyes.
“Come on, Kim. He is a nice kid, you will love him. It wouldn't hurt to have one more friend, besides we all would be hanging out together anyways, so why not bestfriending him?” Kinn didn’t mind whatever his younger brother just said. He was used to Kim complaining about things like this. The same happened when he first wanted to introduce him to his boyfriend. Kim grumbled almost the whole day that he wouldn’t even be that close with the guy and there is no need for them to go out together, that a simple dinner with the whole family would be enough. But after their first hang out Kim ended up liking Porsche more than he thought and after a few more they became very good friends. Not best friends, but something close to that, so Kinn knew that the same would happen this time too. Kim always whines about things, but almost every time they end up opposite from what he says.
“Since you and Porsche both came up with this I have no way out of it, so whatever I guess.” Kim sighed. If Kinn says that he will like the boy then maybe he really will. It would be nice to have other friends besides the two girls. He has nothing against lesbians, but they always call him a loser and make fun of him. In an affectionate way, of course! Plus he is tired of having to suffer watching them being all lovey dovey alone. “What was his name again? You mentioned him before, right?”
Kinn started dating Porsche around eight months ago and after a month introduced him to his family. After that he used to tell a lot of things about his boyfriend to Kim when they made dinner together or mowed the lawn. Kim heard many stories about his brother’s boyfriend during those months. Now it felt like KIm knew him for a few years instead of months. He remembers Kinn mentioning Porsche’s brother a couple of times too. He went on an exchange program to Japan a few weeks after Kinn and Porsche started dating. Therefore, Kinn didn’t have much to say about the boy to Kim.
“His name is Porchay.”
Porchay. Kim had to repeat the name a few times inside his head to make sure he didn't forget it.
Soon the familiar cafe came into view and they were stepping inside it. The two siblings were greeted with the sound of the bell that hung by the door, the smell of coffee and people's chatter. Just like any other time, most of the tables were occupied with couples, families or just groups of friends hanging out. The usual cashier was taking two younger teenagers’ orders and smiling politely at them.
Kim’s eyes ran though all the tables and seats until they finally landed on the table they normally sat at. He saw Porsche already smiling at him and Kinn and waving for them to walk to their table. On his right side there sat a boy. Not any boy, but the same one Kim saw around a week ago playing volleyball with his friends at the park. The one that made Kim so frustrated with himself again and the one Kim admired for his amazing skills. The boy that looked so beautiful with the last rays of setting sun illuminating him and his messy hair being all over the place that it annoyed Kim. Why did the attractive stranger have to be Porsche’s brother? Kim preferred the boy staying just an unknown person that he once admired and felt jealous of. Kim would be angry and annoyed with this situation and the boy if only he wasn't wearing a warm smile as he looked at Kim and his brother as they were making their way towards the table.
Porchay. Kim had to remind himself again of the boy’s name. It’s not the attractive stranger, who played volleyball well anymore, it's Porsche’s little brother Porchay.
When the two siblings finally reached the table they saw four cups of coffee already standing there.
“Since we came here a little earlier I ordered your usual.” Porsche informed the duo and Kinn smiled at his boyfriend, looking at him with loving eyes. Everytime he gazed at Porsche like that Kim had an urge to softly laugh at the two. Not because it was funny, but because he felt unbelievably happy for his brother. He felt ineffable joy and warmth inside his chest knowing that his brother had someone who made him happy and loved, whose simple ‘hi’ made his day. All Kim ever wanted for his older brothers was just to be truly happy and loved in life.
“Thanks, baby.” Kinn smiled fondly at the other man and flopped down into the seat in front of him.
Kim chuckled at his older brother and took the last empty seat in front of Porchay. Porsche then turned to him and gave him a smile while wrapping one of his arms around his little brother.
“Porchay, this is Kimhan. Kim, this is Porchay. I and Kinn believe that you would be really good friends!”
Kim was not the best when it came to meeting new people and introductions. He was quite awkward and unsure what to say or do at first. He had to observe and study the other person before opening up and letting them close to him. So he just nodded and greeted the boy with a ‘hi, nice to meet you’. Though the other boy looked more comfortable meeting strangers as he flashed a huge smile and greeted him back politely. Kim wondered how he didn’t realize that the stranger, who played volleyball that evening in the park, was Porsche’s brother when they were so similar. They had the same smile, their eyes lit up when they did that and they both radiated warmth, positivity and happiness. As the four started to converse (at first Kim was silent only saying a word or two from time to time) Kim noticed that the boy was after all different from his older brother. Kim couldn’t figure out what was so different about him, but he seemed brighter and more cheerful than Porsche. Porchay reminded him of Arkira. He resembled a walking sunshine just like the blonde girl. Kim thought that the two would probably get along really well.
Kim sipped his coffee and hummed in delight when the warm liquid touched his taste buds. The sweetness let him loosen up and lean back in his seat. Kim listened to the other three talking about some movie Kinn and Porsche went to see in the cinema on their date a few days ago. The two older men telling Porchay that he should also go and watch it. Kim wasn’t really listening to the conversation, so he had no idea how they got to this topic, but judging by the roll of Porchay’s eyes the other two men were doing a shitty job at convincing him to watch it.
“I’d rather stare at our cat napping the whole day than watch a horror movie and you know that, hia.” the boy said and sipped his drink.
“Then you can go and watch it with Kim.” Porsche suggested.
“Kim also hates horror movies.” Kinn reminded and Porsche dramatically sighed.
“Whatever, then you two don’t watch it then.” Porsche mumbled and grabbed his coffee. Kinn shook his head and softly laughed at his boyfriend. Kim also chuckled at Porsche. He was really determined to make him and Porchay friends.
“It's not the end of the world if we don’t want to watch the movie. I’m sure that the only reason you two liked it was because you could be cuddled up next to each other the whole time.” Kim playfully rolled his eyes, deciding to finally speak up and tease the two older men at the same time. This resulted in the couple glaring at him almost instantly and Porchay softly laughing and agreeing with him.
“Bet they didn’t even see half of the movie because they were making out.” the younger boy said, looking at Kim and making him snicker.
“Believe me, they do that a lot and almost everywhere.”
“I started to doubt that it was a good idea to make these two friends. They are already teaming up against us.” Porsche muttered and Kinn nodded in agreement.
Kim only smiled at the two and took another sip of his coffee, glancing at Porchay that was also grinning and already staring at him. It felt nice to joke with the younger boy. Somehow Kim didn’t feel so tense or awkward with Porchay for long. He started to feel comfortable with him after just a few minutes of meeting him. Maybe it was his cheerfulness and friendliness that made Kim relaxed in his presence.
Just like that another conversation was born. Kinn mentioned that Kim would like to travel to Japan one day and then Porsche suggested Porchay to tell about his trip to the country. So now Porchay was telling Kim about his stay in Japan and what he saw and visited in the country during all those months. The older couple had already heard most of it, so they just observed the two younger boys as they chatted about the country with small smiles on their faces. Porchay told Kim about all the art museums and buildings he visited and the older kept on asking if they are really that impressive and majestic in real life as he heard. After that the topic changed a couple more times as the four talked about the most random things just like the usual friend group would do.
Kim had to admit that it was better than expected. Porchay was better than he expected. Honestly Kim didn’t think much about what Porsche’s brother would be like before meeting him, but somehow it still was way better than he would have ever imagined. Of course, he got bewildered and a little annoyed after seeing a familiar face, but the sincere smile on the boy’s face pushed it all out of Kim’s head.
“Talking about hanging out. You should go out with Kim without us some time.” Porsche suggested as he looked at his little brother, who had just finished his coffee and placed the cup on the table in front of himself.
“That’s a great idea. You two are already getting along. And you could gossip about us behind our backs too.” Kinn jokingly added.
“Sounds good to me. What about you, Phi?” Porchay nodded and faced Kim.
“Yeah, I guess it would not be bad.” Kim shrugged.
“Great! Then do you want to go to the nearby park after this and play some volleyball with me and my friends?” Porchay cheerfully asked and the other three froze.
Kim saw Porsche quickly glance at him then at Kinn. He knew about his injury and everything that happened. Kinn has told him about it not long after they started dating, so Porsche wouldn’t mention anything that could possibly hurt Kim. His whole family is still careful when it comes to talking about volleyball in front of him. They all knew how important the game was to him. They knew that Kim was still blaming himself for being so dumb back then and tried their best to not trigger the memories of the unfortunate day of the game when everything went down. Actually, it all started a few days after Kim worsened his injury. During dinner Kinn said that he would go out with his friends to play some volleyball. Kim immediately stopped eating, put his chopsticks down and left the room without a word. At that moment everyone understood that it was better to not talk about the game in front of Kim. It has already been two years since they agreed on this and they still avoided talking about the game or the injury. And of course, Porsche wasn’t an exception, after Kinn told him about what happened. He never mentioned anything about it in Kim's presence, not wanting to sour the boy’s mood. So now, after Porchay’s question, he wasn’t sure what to do or say to not make Kim upset.
Porchay immediately noticed how the older couple tensed and how Kim’s little smile faltered. The youngest boy’s cheerful expression was replaced with a slight frown.
“Did I say something wrong?” he unsurely asked.
“Kim can’t play volleyball or any other game.” Kinn explained while looking at Kim to see if he was okay.
“Oh.” Porchay said and glanced at Kim, who sat with an unreadable expression. He wasn’t mad or sad that Porchay mentioned that. He didn’t know about his injury, so it wasn’t his fault. However, Kim didn’t expect this question, so he was caught off guard. “Why?”
“Because of injury.” Kim answered and everyone’s eyes immediately landed on him.
“Well… Um… You can still come to watch us play if you want to.” Porchay mumbled, not sure what else to say. Kim saw how Porsche elbowed the boy’s side telling him to shut up. It was quite funny to watch actually.
He appreciated Porsche and Kinn trying to not upset him with the whole volleyball thing and never mentioning it but at the same time it made him realize how careful they have always been and how much they have tried to not remind Kim of what happened. He suddenly was hit with the fact that everyone around him walked on their tip toes for the last two years trying not to say or do anything wrong to not trigger his memories or trying to stop him from hurting himself even more with all the anger he still held for himself. His family never talked about the game after the day he was told he won’t be able to play ever again. His best friends always scolded him for staring at others when they played, because they all knew what was going on inside his head at these moments. Maybe he should start letting all that pain go away. He was not only draining himself with it, but everyone around him too. Maybe Kim should let people talk freely around him about whatever sport they wanted and not be worried about upsetting him. Maybe it was time for him to finally come to terms with the thought that he will never be able to play ever again.
It all dawned on Kim so suddenly. His head was a mess of all these thoughts. Kim tried to calm them all down, but it was in vain. He then realized that everyone was waiting for his answer and blinked a couple of times before forming a sentence.
“I mean, sure. That sounds good.” Kim said and glanced at his phone checking the time “But now I have to go. I have to meet up with Ar and Chan. See you some other time, bye!” he then shoot up from his seat and with quick steps walked out of the cafe.
Why did he just agree to watch Porchay play volleyball some time? Kim had no idea. Maybe it was because he felt comfortable with the boy or maybe because he found him attractive. But one thing he knew for sure was the fact that he had to let go of the incident and the pain. And maybe this was his first step to doing so.
A few days passed since he was introduced to Porchay and since he realized what a burden he was for his family and friends. He thought a lot about all the things his mother, brothers and best friends did for him and all their efforts during those two years. Kim was grateful for them, but at the same time felt guilty for it. Just like when Arkira and Chanthira scolded him. Only now he felt like that all the time, because it finally dawned on him how pressured everyone around him had felt for so long.
This morning during breakfast when the whole family was still sitting by the table, enjoying their food, Kim decided to tell them that they can talk about volleyball or mention his injury with him around if they want to because it doesn’t affect him as much as before and it is not as bad now as they think it is.
Kim actually wasn’t sure if it was a good idea, but he just couldn’t stand the thought of his most loved people being on the edge every time they were around him.
Kim’s mom then embraced him in a tight hug, telling him how happy she was that he was accepting the fact that he won’t be able to play again and that he is starting to let go of all those bad memories and emotions. His brothers gave him wide sincere smiles and they all then finished their food.
Now Kim is ambling in the park. And yet again he was waiting for his two best friends to arrive, so they could all go to Chanthira’s house. It was a hot Monday afternoon as he walked down the familiar path. This time there were way more people, especially children. They ran around holding their ice cream in one hand and their toys in the other hand, screaming something at each other. Their parents or older siblings were sitting on the benches next to the playground watching them happily play their silly games.
Kim strolled past the playground and reached the same old bench he sat on the last time. He stopped next to it, just like a week ago and his eyes wandered to the volleyball court a little further away. Kim saw the same four teens playing there. He immediately spotted Porchay. Unconsciously his legs moved on their own and brought Kim closer to the court. He wasn’t in a hurry and his eyes not even once left Porchay, only fixated on the boy and the way he played so flawlessly just like the first time Kim saw him.
Kim couldn’t help but fall into the bottomless pit of jealousy and regret. He couldn’t do anything about the nagging feelings that creeped up on him again. He was tired of it. He really wished that he could stop feeling that way with just a snap of his fingers. Unfortunately, that was not possible.
“Phi Kim!” Kim was quite close to the court when Porchay finally noticed him. The younger boy said something to his friends after calling out his name and jogged towards him with a warm smile on his face.
Over Porchay’s shoulder Kim saw how the younger boy’s friends continued playing without him as he came to a halt in front of Kim. Thanks to the heat and all the running around during the game he was a bit sweaty and his face was painted with a light shade of pink. Porchay ran his fingers through his hair, pushing them out of his face and messing them up in the process.
“Hi.” the younger boy grinned looking at Kim.
“Hey.” Kim also gave him a small smile, staring back at Porchay.
“Oh, I’m sorry about what I said at the cafe the other day.” Porchay suddenly started apologizing and a guilty and regretful expression overtook his face. “I didn’t know and really didn’t mean to hurt you. Hia and Phi Kinn told me about what happened when you left. I’m real-”
“Hey, it’s okay.” Kim cut the boy off, not wanting to hear another apology come out of his mouth when Porchay didn’t even owe him any. “As you said, you didn’t know. And it’s not like I can’t hear the word ‘volleyball’ or else will drop dead. It’s been two years and I’m fine with it. Kinn is just being a little too overprotective about this matter.” what Kim said wasn’t completely a lie. It’s not like the word volleyball would end him, on the other hand he was still far from being fine with it. Kim would rather lie than have Porchay believe that he hurt him with his question last week. It was weird how he would rather say that he is fine than let the boy he met just a few days ago feel guilty for his words.
Porchay stared at Kim with wide eyes for a couple of seconds. The younger teen probably had a hard time believing Kim, especially after he left the cafe so hastily back then.
“Is it really okay?” he asked, wanting to make sure that Kim was truly fine and was not upset or angry about the situation.
“Yes. Don’t worry. I even talked with my family today during breakfast that I don’t mind them talking about volleyball or the injury.” Kim assured the boy and Porchay smiled again. Smile looked better on his face than a frown, Kim thought.
“Great then!” Porchay happily said and looked back at his friends over his shoulder “So do you want to watch us play then?”
“Yes, that would be fun.” Kim nodded. He actually doubted that it would be fun, considering how he was already feeling irked, but he can’t miss a chance to observe Porchay’s game and moves from up close.
“Okay then.” the younger one nodded too and glanced at his friends again. “By the way, I should probably introduce you to my friends. Two of them are not Thai, so we speak in English.” Porchay explained and Kim hummed. He already figured that out the first time he saw the four teens playing, but he, of course, won’t mention it to Porchay. “I went to an international school, that's why the two of my friends are not Thai.” the boy explained and Kim nodded.
“Right, you mentioned the international school when talking about that exchange program to Japan.”
Porchay hummed, glad that Kim remembered about his school.
Porchay then called out his friends, getting their attention and making them stop the game. The three teens dropped the ball down and slowly walked closer to them, greeting Kim with friendly smiles.
“This is Kimhan.” Porchay said in English, gesturing to Kim.
“Kim for short.” Kim added and the younger boy quickly glanced at him smiling.
“Yes Kim. Phi, this is Kazuha and Ryujin.” the boy first nodded towards the pretty, long haired girl that greeted him with a slight bow and then at the pink haired girl. Kim could swear that both girls had black hair the first time he saw them. “And this is Tinn.” Porchay introduced the last boy.
The teens exchanged a few words before the three went back to the court, leaving Kim alone with Porchay. The boy stepped closer to the older one while looking over at his friends that were now talking and joking around in the volleyball court.
“Take a seat. I will be going back there to play now.” Porchay nodded towards the benches that stood next to the volleyball court and started walking backwards. “Hope you enjoy our game.” with a huge smile plastered on his face the boy turned around and ran to his friends again.
Kim chuckled and walked to the bench flopping on it, getting comfortable ready to watch their game. He observed how the four friends split into new pairs. This time boys played against girls. They walked to their side of the court and were about to start playing when the black haired girl stopped the other girl from hitting the ball.
“What about Kim?” she asked Porchay and looked at the said boy, who was already staring at her from the bench.
“P’Kim will just watch us.” Porchay explained and the girl nodded without questioning furthermore. Kim was glad she didn’t ask about the reason why he wasn’t joining them for the game.
The pink haired girl, whose name Kim believes was Ryujin, served the ball and the game started. Kim followed the ball with his eyes going from one side to another. He felt envy and frustration, that he had forgotten during his conversation with Porchay, come back again. It was inevitable, Kim knew that. Most likely, he won’t be able to watch others playing without feeling jealous of them and starting to blame himself for what happened for a long time.
He yet again started wondering about how exciting it would be to be able to play the game with other four teens right now. How alive it would make him feel, just like it did before. Volleyball was something that made Kim happy and lively. Every game was a thrilling experience that Kim cherished till this day. He can still perfectly remember the joy, the euphoric feeling every game brought to him. No matter how tired he was or if they had lost the match, it still left Kim with the realest emotions, making him feel the most alive he has ever been.
A joyful cheer of the two girls broke the running train of Kim’s thoughts. He spaced out for a couple of minutes and missed what happened on the court. But by the two girls' wide smiles and the ball laying on the ground on Porchay and his friend’s side of the court, Kim understood that they just got a point.
“This one is your fault.” Tinn said, looking at Porchay.
“How is it my fault when I just passed you the ball?!”
“It was a horrible pass.” the boy shrugged.
“You two just suck.” the pink haired girl stated and the two boys rolled their eyes .
After a bit more bickering they started playing again. Kim’s eyes unconsciously traveled back to Porchay. He wasn't sure why he was so drawn to the boy. It was something more than just his skills, but Kim just couldn't figure it out yet. However, he won’t burden himself with this thought right now. Not when he can stare at Porchay, playing volleyball with a smile so wide that it made his eyes turn into crescent moons.
Watching the boy made all Kim’s worries and unpleasant feelings melt away just like the last bits of snow on a warm spring day. Maybe neither one of them have realized it yet, but Porchay was indeed a radiant sunshine that brightened up Kim’s gloomy days.
“Kim?” a familiar voice came from behind him.
Kim froze for a moment. He completely forgot that he originally came to the park to meet up with his friends. What a great job, Kim thought, mentally slapping himself. The two girls were probably looking for him.
“Hey.” he turned around, facing the couple with a little awkward smile. He was met with Chanthira’s unsatisfied expression and Arkira’s raised in question brows.
“What are you doing here?” Chan asked, walking closer to him and stopping next to the bench he was sitting on. Her and Arkira’s joined hands made the younger blonde girl follow her.
“Um… Sitting?”
“This is not funny, Kim.” the girl groaned. “You are watching this again.” she gestured to the volleyball court in front of them with her free hand.
“I know what you think, but it’s okay. I promise I am fine this time.”
Blonde girl that had been silent the whole time tilted her head to the side and squinted her eyes looking at him.
“And you want us to buy it?”
“Yes.” Kim nodded.
“Kim, be for fucking re-”
“Hello!” Porchay’s buoyant voice cut off Chanthira and gathered the three friends' attention. They didn’t even notice the boy walking up to them.
Kim glanced at the smiley boy and quickly got up from the bench. His best friends’ attention now fully focused on the new boy that stood next to him. Arkira immediately matched the boy’s smile, grinning widely whereas Chanthira averted her eyes from Porchay to Kim waiting for him to say something.
“So… um…” Kim awkwardly stumbled over his words. “Porchay, this is Arkira and Chanthira, my best friends. And this is Porchay, Porsche’s brother.”
“Hi, nice to meet you!” the blonde girl nodded at Porchay.
“Oh they know my brother?” the younger boy asked, facing Kim.
“Yeah, Kinn never shuts up about him and they have run into each other a few times when your brother was over at our house.” Kim explained.
“It’s really great to meet you, Porchay, but we came here to meet up with Kim. We have some plans, so we will be stealing him now.” Chanthira announced, grabbing Kim by the forearm.
“Yes, sure.” the boy still wore a friendly smile on his face as he nodded. “Hope we can see each other again soon and for a little longer, P’Kim! Bye!”
With that the boy turned around and strolled back to his friends that were standing by the other bench further away, talking among themselves. Chanthira tugged at Kim’s arm and they started walking in the opposite direction.
“So this is Porchay.” Arkira mumbled looking over her shoulder at the boy one last time.
Kim had told them about meeting Porsche’s brother and what happened in the coffee after he hastily left it and went to Chan’s house. The two girls knew about Porchay’s accidental question and his offer to watch his game sometime. What Kim didn’t mention was the fact that it was Porchay who played the last time they argued about volleyball in the park (Kim didn’t think that it was that important for them to know it). He also never told them that he actually agreed to watch the younger boy play.
“He seems nice, but still why were you there watching them?” Chan asked, swaying her and Arkira’s joined hands back and forth.
“I accidentally saw him playing with his friends while I was waiting for you two and just walked there.” Kim shrugged. “And I promise it was alright. I didn't feel that bad.”
“But you still felt bad about it?” the blonde girl raised her eyebrows in question.
“Let’s be honest, I always feel like shit when it comes to volleyball. It will take time to get over it. But it wasn’t that bad.”
The two girls decided to believe Kim this time and don’t question it anymore. He already told them that he is trying to let go of the whole thing, so they will let him do it, without any more questions that would only make Kim feel uncomfortable and may even lead to another argument. It’s better to not ruin the boy’s mood before their hang out.
///
Throbbing. The agonizing throbbing was everywhere. Every inch, every cell of his body was aching. Buzzing sound was irritating but at the same time distracting, making the pain somehow bearable. Short infrequent breaths. Lungs struggling to get enough oxygen and making it feel like the inside of his chest was on fire. And the darkness. It was everywhere, swallowing him alive.
///