Work Text:
Gov let his hand flow across the paper as he signed off on another document he had briefly skimmed. He didn't really care what the document said, he mostly just signed things that seemed alright. A slight gust of wind seemed to blow through the wind, whispers blowing along with it. Gov lifted his head up, confused, glancing to the windows, only to find them both closed. He strained to listen to the whispers. They sounded like…other states? He couldn't make out what they were saying, but he could pick out distinct voices. Texas’ southern drawl, Minnesota's lifted voice, New York's abrasive tone. He stood up and looked around the room, trying to find the source of the wind and voices.
“Hello..? Is someone there?” He asked no one. The whispers suddenly grew quiet. He tried harder to listen…until he realized all the voices were complaining about him.
“He jus’ wants our tax money fer his go’ernment secrets.”
“Fackin’ prick.”
“He doesn't care about us, just what we can do for him.” The voices seemed to circle around Gov, whispering in his ears.
“He's no better than our last admin.”
“And he somehow thinks I'm bad with funding.” Before Gov could respond to any of the accusations, the voices were gone, seemingly disappearing into the wind. He looked around, frustration building.
“I don't get paid enough for this,” he muttered as he returned back to his desk.
“What even is your worth?” Gov whipped around to face the rest of the room again, finding no one. But yet, the voice had been loud and booming, like it was in the room with him. Gov hesitantly picked up his coffee. He was probably just imagining things. Definitely. He would need to talk to CDC about upping his medication. Suddenly, the voice cleared its throat, scaring Gov into answering.
“I…I..don't know. I've given everything for this country, why don't they appreciate it? What am I doing wrong?” Gov looked up at the ceiling, allowing himself to indulge in whatever hallucination this was. The room seemed to grow dimmer as Gov brought his head back down, sipping his coffee like this was the most normal thing in the world.
“Have you really done everything for your country? Have you truly given everything you have, everything you are? What about all the fraud you've committed?” Gov felt his heart drop. “The tax evasion?” The voice seemed to be right in his ear now, sounding somehow louder and closer than before. “The embezzlement of funds?” Gov jumped, scared by how close the voice was now. His coffee spilled all over himself and his papers as he tumbled to the floor.
“What? No! I..I would never-” He stopped himself, dread washing over him. “..wait a second…wait, no..no! I wouldn’t!” Gov stood up, pulling himself off the floor by holding onto his desk. His suit was soaked in coffee and he knew it would be impossible to get out. A cruel laughter echoed around the room as he tried desperately to pick up the pieces of his broken mug from the floor.
“Sure, you wouldn't. Just like you wouldn’t fuck over your country for your own benefit? You're a selfish bastard, you know that? You only live for yourself and no one else,” the voice boomed, demanding to be heard. Gov abandoned the broken mug on the floor, his breathing picking up speed. He grabbed the edge of his desk. Oh god, he was selfish wasn't he? Everything he did was just to push his or someone else's agenda. He never had the state's interest in mind, only what would look good on paper. His fingernails dug into the soft wood of the desk. Still, he tried to convince the voice otherwise, even if he didn’t believe himself.
“No, no, no, I'd never do that!” Gov looked around frantically. “I'd never do anything like that! What do you want from me?”
“What do I want? Nothing. I don't want a single thing from the likes of you.” Gov felt his throat tighten up, tears clouding his vision. He really wasn't worth anything. “You disgust me. You're nothing but filth on the bottom of my boot. A piece of trash thrown from a car, laying on the side of the highway.” Gov had given up trying to argue. The voice was right. He wasn't worth anything. He was a piece of shit. Gov hiccuped, tears finally spilling down his face. He stumbled, grabbing at the window for balance.
“S-stop! Please stop saying those things..I'm the government, I’m supposed to be in charge..I am good..I can do good.” Gov tried to convince himself. He was begging the voice to just leave him alone. It was more than he could bear. The voice called again, laughing and circling him.
“In charge? You can barely keep yourself in check, how are you supposed to keep 50 other states in check? I mean, look at how pathetic you are right now. Covered in coffee, hyperventilating, begging.” Gov looked down at himself. His coffee stained suit, shaking hands, the shattered mug on the floor. He really was unstable. “You couldn't get a grip if you tried. Just give up already, it's depressing watching you try,” the venom-filled voice spat. It seemed to growl with every word it said. Gov felt his whole body shaking. His tears were starting to burn.
“I just…I just wanted to do good! I just wanted to do good in the world…I-I tried so hard, but…” Gov let his head hang as sobs tore through his body. He wrapped his arms around himself. “I-I just..I just wanted to be good.”
“Not even your fellow states take you seriously,” the voice continued, unrelenting. “How are you supposed to lead when no one will listen? You're just a face for the government, you don't actually have any worth beyond your body. No one really needs you around.” Gov sobbed, letting his body fall to the ground and curl into a ball. “You really are as dumb as your vacant eyes tell me you are.” Gov rolled over, laying on his back and staring at the ceiling. He'd given up. He closed his eyes as he let doubt and self hatred consume him.
“I..I-I just wanted….to be good..” he whispers.
“You'll never be good. You've failed your country and you've failed your friends. You can't do anything right, everything you touch dies.” Gov let the voice speak, absorbing the words. As he stared at the ceiling, his mind wandered to the windows beside him. How much would the fall hurt from this height? Would he even register the pain before he hit the ground? He rolled over again and curled into a ball, crying into himself because the voice was right. Because he didn't have any friends, because he'd failed his whole country, because his entire life had amounted to nothing. He was worthless.
“Look at yourself. You're too busy feeling sorry for yourself to even clean up the coffee you spilled. It's soaking into the wooden floor boards now. Just another thing ruined by your touch. Instead of feeling sorry for yourself, you should just end it already,” Gov faintly heard the creak of the window opening. "The window is right there. It's already open.” Gov got to his feet and wiped his eyes as he walked numbly to the window. He leaned his head out and stared at all the people below. They were just walking. They didn't know how bad he was hurting, how much he had fucked over their beautiful country. They didn't know about all the misdeeds he'd done after they entrusted him with their country. He squeezed his eyes closed and wrapped one hand around the edge of the windowsill.
“The people below don't care about you. They probably don’t even know who you are. You aren't important enough. No one gives a single shit about you or anything you do. You're not worth the oxygen you take up.” Gov just listened to the voice speak, the need to defend himself gone. The voice was right after all. He was a broken man, one unfit to do anything, not even live. All his mistakes and regrets replayed in his head like a horrible slideshow. He had failed all the people he'd been tasked with protecting. He stepped up into the windowsill, the air hitting him and reminding him of the wet suit he was wearing.
“All I wanted was to be good…why..why is that so hard?” Gov stared at the people below, tears dripping from his face. It would be over in a second..he wouldn't have to deal with anything anymore. It would all be over…he deserved this anyways, didn't he? Before Gov could let go, there was a knock at the door.
Florida swung Gov's office door wide open, Loui following behind him.
“Hey, Gov, wanna see somethin’-” Florida stopped talking, his eyes locking on Gov. He took in Gov's coffee stained suit, which was normally in pristine shape. He saw the frazzled and scared look in Gov's eyes, the death grip he had on the window, the tear stains on his face. “...Gov?” Gov blinked a couple times, seemingly confused.
“Florida? Louisiana?” He whispered, his voice broken and scratchy. Florida felt a pang of hurt in his heart. Florida and Loui glanced at each other, both sharing a look of concern. Florida took the first step towards the broken man.
“Hey man, is everything alright?” Florida's voice drips with worry and concern. He'd never seen Gov like this. He was normally put together, the chaos in his head concealed behind a thoroughly constructed mask of professionalism. Gov smiled wearily.
“Yeah..yeah, of course…I just had a..uh..rough morning..” Gov tried to chuckle, but it sounded forced and raspy. “I've just been up since 4 a.m. dealing with..work..stuff….It's really nothing.” Florida took another step towards Gov, a feeble smile on his face.
“That sounds terrible, man. You sure everything's totally fine? Nothin's wrong at all?” Florida glanced back at Loui for a second, but immediately snapped back to Gov. His eyes seemed to unfocus briefly, his hands shaking more.
“Of course. I'm fine. Honestly, never better,” Gov smiled brightly, clearly fake. Florida finally stood below Gov. He hesitantly reached a hand out to Gov.
“Come down from there…that's no place for you to stand,” Florida sounded almost pleading as he waited for Gov to take his hand. Gov seemed to look over Florida, considering the situation he was in. After a second, he stopped smiling. He looked tired as he reached out a shaky hand and hesitantly gave it to Florida.
“Sure, Florida. I'm coming down.” Gov allowed Florida to pull him away from the window, enveloping him in a tight, almost crushing hug. Florida let Gov bury his face in his neck.
“I know I give you a lot of shit, but never do that again, man. I never want to see you in that window again. Never,” Florida choked out, his eyes watering. It hurt to see Gov like this. He hadn't known him as long as states like Virginia, Mass, or Mary, but god, did it hurt. He rested a hand on Gov's neck and ran his other hand up and down Gov's back.
“I'm so sorry. I was just…I'm just tired of being the bad guy,” Gov pulled away, looking into Florida's eyes. “I just want to be good.” Florida watched Gov's eyes fill with tears again. Florida took Gov's hands into his own.
“You are good, you are. You're doing the best you can. Your best is enough, no matter what,” Florida soothed. He heard Loui walk up beside him and rest a hand on Gov's shoulder.
“Sha, we need you. We wouldn't be able ta function a day without cha,” Loui said warmly. Gov slowly nodded his head.
“Sorry. I just…I just feel so alone…and like everyone hates me. Why do they hate me?” Gov asked weakly. Florida wiped away the tears streaming down his face and smiled.
“We don't hate you. You do everything for us, you keep us from falling apart. You are not alone. Do you hear me, Gov? You are not alone. We are here for you. We all care about you and want the best for you, like you do for us,” Florida assured him. Gov sniffled.
“Do..do you really mean it? I'm just so worried that I'll never be ‘good enough’ and that I'm just a waste of your time and money,” Gov whispered. Florida could practically feel the self hatred radiating off of him.
“Sha, you really think you’da lasted this long if we didn't like ya? I'd rather have you in charge than some otha’ dickhead,” Loui spoke up. Florida smiled gently and nodded in agreement, squeezing Gov's hands.
“And what about the other states? I don't want to be seen as a failure..” Gov's voice reeked of insecurity. Florida fluffed his hair.
“Do you think you'd still be in office if they thought you were? You'da been impeached a long time ago, man,” Florida laughed lightly. “The fact that you're still standing here proves that us and the other states really do give a damn about you.” Florida patted Gov on the back. “C'mon, let's go getcha some coffee or something. You look like you need it since you're currently wearing your previous one.” Gov glanced down at his coffee stained suit.
“Oh…yeah, probably a good idea,” he rubbed his eyes. “Thanks guys. Do you…Do you think I'm a good person? Like..a truly good person?”
“Gov. No one is a good person. There's not a single fully good person in the world. What matters is that you do what you think is right and always do your best. Sure, there are people that are mostly good, but they've got some bad in them too.” Florida smiled, softer than his normal chaotic smile, more welcoming and comforting. “If you spend your whole life trying to convince other people you're a good person, you've wasted your life. If you think you're a good person, that's all that matters.” Gov looked down at their hands, letting go and smiling warmly. Florida took this as a success.
“Thank you, Florida. Let's go get that coffee now, shall we?” He said before walking towards the door, followed by both Florida and Loui.