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"I feel safe with you."
The words felt heavy on Xiao's tongue, his mouth feeling full of cotton. There was something about those words, that made him feel like he had to say them. Or maybe it was just that random urge which pulled at him, which came every once in a while.
His chest felt achy, a lump stuck in his throat. There was something intimate about those words, something Xiao would deem almost too vulnerable. He was conflicted, before and after that sentence left his lips. He didn't know if he wanted to take it all back in that same moment, or let this moment of panic pass, so he can hear Venti's reply.
It wasn't as if he didn't believe that statement, quite the opposite. It was the fact that he was never allowed to be safe before, he was never allowed to have those feelings of comfort, warmth, acceptance. He was never allowed to show himself as anything lower than a perfect, highly trained soldier, ready to defend at any second.
He was never the protected one, that's not how this was meant to be.
Even with his siblings, in the midst of battle, they rarely had time to watch each other's backs. Too focused on just neutralizing the threat, too focused on having a tight grip on their weapon, ensuring it wouldn't be knocked out of their hands, leaving them truly defenseless.
What use would it have been, in truth, to have that protection at that time? He had his sight back then, keen and better than his siblings'. He kept watch over them, warned them of oncoming enemies, of monsters slowly nearing the city or nearby villages. He could see distress on the humans' faces from the other side of the village, ready to help them, like an invisible hero.
At least, that's what they called him a few times. They would be scared and worried in the afternoon, speaking of geovishaps approaching quickly; by the next morning, Xiao would already have taken care of it. They praised him, calling him "Rex Lapis", because only an Archon would be capable of knowing their troubles and so swiftly and quietly getting rid of them.
'No,' he would think to himself, 'Only his servant.'
It was fine, for some time. Xiao enjoyed not being known by his name. He enjoyed having people's respect rise for Morax, because of Xiao's doings. Another way of repaying his debts to the man. It didn't matter how he noticed his sight getting worse and worse after a particularly hard hit to the head.
Xiao doesn't remember what exactly attacked him, he remembers blacking out upon impact, and waking up surrounded by his worried brothers and sisters. Conquerer of demons knocked unconscious? Who, or most likely what, could have possibly done that?
It was only slightly blurry at the beginning, a little darker. Xiao only saw it as a minor annoyance, nothing more to it. But as the days passed, weeks even, it kept getting progressively worse. His peripheral vision was gone completely, causing severe hindrance during fights. It was nigh impossible to see during the night, with barely any lights around.
They pitied him, his siblings, and Xiao thought that they, out of everyone, would understand just how belittling pity is. Xiao thought that they, out of everyone, would understand that no matter his condition, he would continue to fight and protect Liyue. No matter the injuries, pain, emotional numbness, permanent scars; it was all worth it in the end.
He met Venti when his vision was almost completely gone, when he noticed his siblings starting to slowly lose it. He worried for them, he hated to admit. He worried for himself too but, that was much easier to push aside. Easier to just ignore and forget about.
A wandering, blind musician. An Archon who adored playing with strings and playing the flute. With a melodic laugh and angelic voice.
The blurry image of his, now lover's, face still remains embedded in Xiao's memory. One of the very last things he saw and... to have your beloved's eyes be the last thing you see, before the world turns to darkness, well it doesn't sound so bad.
Ever since then, and a bit before, his hearing had become the sense he relied on most. And ever since he got his Anemo vision, it got much easier to locate enemies next to the sounds of yelling, explosions, swords clashing and screams. The wind told him a lot.
A hand gently pressed against his cheek, soft fingers, despite millennias of using a bow, brushed against his skin. Xiao didn't have the time to react, say anything in his defense regarding the earlier statement, make some sort of excuse-
A gentle kiss pressed against his lips, dispelling all of the panic and tension in Xiao's body, making him practically melt against Venti. He pressed himself closer to the other, returning the gesture of affection.
Venti pulled away with a slight giggled. "Über was denkst du nach?" He asked, pressing another kiss, but this time to Xiao's neck. He peppered it in little bites, smiling at every reaction Xiao had to him.
"I-"
"You need to relax more, Liebling," He whispered, "Those words mean a lot to me." Venti pressed a kiss to his cheek, his nose, his forehead, placing his other hand in Xiao's hair, playing around with it. He giggled loudly, placing his head underneath Xiao's chin, ruffling his hair and purposefully messing it up.
"Seriously, Venti? You are aware that I cannot see well enough to fix this on my own, right?" He couldn't stop the smile from tugging at his lips, making him grin like an idiot. In reality, he doesn't care how badly Venti messes up his hair, he was having so much fun with it after all, how could he possibly refuse him?
There was still a weight, a rock in his chest. Perhaps a feeling of hurt in a way? Or was it fear? There goes that feeling of being conflicted again, and Xiao could only wrap his arms around Venti tightly, hiding his face in the other's shoulder as he thought.
It seemed like such a big deal to him, he said those words with so much struggle. As soon as the urge appeared, he went against his instincts and just said it, Venti needed to know. Xiao doesn't know why, but he knew that Venti simply had to know, for whatever reason it may be.
So to brush over it so quickly... it hurt in a way. Like he expected there to be something more, something deeper, not just quick, simple affirmation.
But on the other hand, he was kind of grateful over it being so quick. Venti just accepted that fact and- ugh, there had to be more to it, there just had-
"Geht es dir gut?" His lover's quiet voice reached his ears. He realised that he was holding onto him too tightly, maybe even on the brink of painfully. He loosened his grip, only slightly, and shook his head.
"No, I-" he cursed at himself for the mild trembling in his body and voice. This was childish, nothing alike a behaviour a warrior, a protector, was supposed to exhibit. Damn it, he was supposed to be better than this.
"Shh..." Venti moved his hand from his cheek and ran it up and down Xiao's back. "Tief durchatmen, Liebchen. Just breathe and tell me what's scaring you..." He pressed his lips against Xiao's cheek, whispering more reassurances.
"Ah, it's- not of any importance." Why is he acting like such a child? It's a simple matter!
"Hmm, ich glaube nicht, whatever it may it, however minor, you can tell me, Liebling." Why so many pet names all of a sudden?
"You... bring safety with you- to me," Xiao stumbled, "I want that... to mean something to you." Ever since he lost his sight, danger was the only thing he knew. Constantly on extra alert, ready to strike, to escape, should there be a need. But having Venti with him finally gave him the ability to let his guard down, let it down and not think about the consequences or the other people for once. Only about himself, and his beloved.
Venti pressed another kiss to Xiao's lips, lingering just a little longer for this one. "Oh, mein Liebling," his boyfriend gently said, "Those words mean more to me than even the wind could tell you." A kiss to his forehead. "Your trust in me means more than I could ever say, or even show."
The wind around them picked up, warm and gentle, relaxing his stiff muscles. Helping him breathe in... and out. It's okay now, he told himself. You told him, and he'll cherish it forever.
Venti may not fully understand just the sheer amount of willpower that took Xiao to say those words. Venti may not be able to fully understand his fear of losing his only anchor, his only rock, his only saviour (Xiao's done enough saving, of mortals and Gods and those undeserving of it. He deserved to be the one rescued for once, even if it is just from the depths of his own mind).
'I feel trapped in my own mind,' Xiao wanted to say. 'You give me an out.' But he kept quiet. No, not yet, he wasn't strong enough to say those words yet.
The melody of a flute filled his ears, all of his senses grateful for the sound. He should ask Venti to teach him how to play, it would be nice to be able to do something like this for his lover. Flower crowns are nice, but not as endearing when you can't see what they look like.
Venti's music feels like it reaches into the soul itself, whispering reassurances and tightly wrapping it in a hug.
It wouldn't be until much later that night, or perhaps it was morning at that point, that Xiao would pull away, lay his sleeping boyfriend down, and sit beside him, humming the same melody.