Work Text:
"MOVIE NIGHT"
by
Cerulean J. Cats
INT. MOVIE THEATER - MIDNIGHT
A full house sits watching the previews, chomping on snacks, slurping drinks, chatting with each other, and generally buzzing with anticipation. The flickering light of the screen plays over them as we pan down to two people in the very middle of the very front row.
MEG (13), a dark-haired girl dressed--from what we can see in the low light--like a crazed preschooler or Disney Channel Original star from the late aughts, stuffs her arm up to the elbow into a giant bucket of popcorn. She extracts a handful and tosses it into her mouth, scattering pieces all over herself, the floor, and her companion: APOLLO (4612, blond, very hot for his age).
APOLLO
Were you planning to actually eat any of that, Meg, or just wear it?
MEG
(through chewing, mouth open, naturally)
What does it look like I'm doing?
APOLLO
I'm not sure English has the words to describe it. Luckily, I'm something of a polyglot. You look like a [untranslatable but definitely devastating insult in a long-dead language].
MEG
No, you.
APOLLO
(pinching bridge of nose)
I can't believe I agreed to this. Do you know how many better, more important things I could be doing right now? Surely you have friends from school you could spill popcorn on. Or Lu? I'm certain she loves... (nervously) evil clowns...
MEG
(matter-of-fact)
Yeah, but you're my best friend.
Apollo's resolve to be annoying about this crumples like a wet paper bag, as it always does in the face of big guns like the phrase "best friend."
APOLLO
Oh. Well, in that case, I'm honored. I think.
Meg cracks a small smile. It totally doesn't count as manipulation if she's telling the truth. She tosses another handful of popcorn in the approximate direction of her mouth, and this time the stray pieces all swerve unnaturally in midair to land in her lap.
She narrows her eyes and turns toward Apollo, who blinks innocently and makes a "who, me?" face.
APOLLO (cont'd)
Perhaps you could try eating them one at a time, like a civilized--
MEG
Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! It's starting.
Meg stares attentively at the screen as the theater chatter dies down behind them. Apollo's gaze flicks towards her, then towards the screen, then back to her.
APOLLO
(whispering)
If you get scared, you can hold my hand. No shame in it.
MEG
Shh!
APOLLO
(still whispering)
I simply wanted you to know that I'm here for you, Meg. As your best friend, it's my solemn duty to-- MMMmmmmmf
Meg has just shoved popcorn in his face, effectively cutting off a beautiful speech about the true meaning of best-friendship.
Apollo swallows the popcorn, and also his nerves. In the past few months, he's fallen into the depths of Tartarus, slain his monstrous serpent arch-nemesis, and nearly been torn apart body and soul by the pure essence of Chaos. What's one fictional clown?
INT. MOVIE THEATER - LATER
We're still near the beginning of the movie, but already the clown is here, lurking in a storm drain and opening his horrible tooth-studded shark mouth. On screen: the clown lunges, rips off a little kid's arm, and swallows it whole. Then reverse on Apollo and Meg's faces as they witness the carnage.
MEG
(delighted)
Ooooooooooh!
APOLLO
(horrified)
Eughhhhhh!
APOLLO (cont'd)
(almost timid)
Will it be like this the whole time, do you think?
MEG
Hopefully!
APOLLO
Ugh. You would say that.
MEG
Shut up, I'm trying to watch this kid get eaten.
Apollo has been turned towards Meg, not watching the screen. Sure enough, as we cut back to the screen, the rest of the kid (minus his arm) is about to become clown food. Apollo cringes. Then his eyebrows shoot up as he gets a brilliant idea.
APOLLO
(lying, badly)
Gods of Olympus! I just received an urgent prayer from Camp Half-Blood! There's been a terrible archery accident!
MEG
What?
APOLLO
No time to explain! I'll be back in a jiffy.
MEG
But it's the middle of the--
Apollo vanishes (without blinding the entire theater via a flash of golden light -- he's a considerate guy. God. Whatever). The Mist covers for him, and even the people in neighboring seats who were giving him and Meg occasional dirty looks on account of the talking during the movie don't notice the sudden disappearance.
MEG (cont'd)
--night.
A beat as she notices Apollo has fled the scene.
MEG (cont'd)
Dummy.
EXT. MOVIE THEATER PARKING LOT - MIDNIGHT (ISH)
Apollo leans against the driver's side door of a cherry red Maserati, looking about as casual as a random guy hanging out in a parking lot at midnight possibly can, i.e. not very.
APOLLO
(under his breath, just a little frantic)
It's just a movie, it's just a movie, it's just my dear personal friend Bill Skarsgård, crudely disguised with a several pounds of make-up and computer generated imagery. I know Bill. Very charming, attractive man. In a rat sort of way.
Apollo embarks upon a lengthy face journey as he silently considers that perhaps he has bad taste in men, and ultimately concludes that who gives a shit, he has bigger fish to fry right now.
He hops into the driver's seat for the sole purpose of slumping dramatically onto the steering wheel.
APOLLO (cont'd)
(muffled, face pressed into steering wheel)
Why did it have to be clowns? Even giant snakes would be better.
He groans pathetically for several seconds, which sounds tragically similar to the deflating balloon of a, you guessed it, clown. Then, having completed the wallowing stage of grief, he folds his arms across the top of the steering wheel and rests his chin on top of them, gazing thoughtfully/wistfully out at the rest of the parking lot.
APOLLO (cont'd)
I can do this. I can be strong. For Meg. For my best friend.
(beat)
And for my ego. She'll tease me forever if she ever finds out about my clown...problem.
He sighs dramatically, untangles his arms, and gives the Maserati's dashboard an affectionate pat.
APOLLO (cont'd)
See you in two hours. Minus credits.
INT. MOVIE THEATER
Meg stares at the screen and shovels more popcorn in her mouth. (The movie just started like 10 minutes ago, but thanks to her advanced popcorn consumption technique she's almost emptied the bucket.)
Between one blink and the next, the empty seat next to her is once again full of Apollo.
MEG
(whisper)
You missed him getting dragged into the sewer. It was awesome.
APOLLO
(Palm Springs-level dry)
I bet. Anything else of note?
MEG
Nope.
Now is the time to call Apollo out on his ridiculously flimsy 3AM archery accident excuse, but Meg just turns back to the screen.
Apollo glances sidelong at Meg, surprised he's getting away with this. But why look a gift horse in the mouth, right? For once, he says nothing.
LATER
Meg upends the popcorn bucket to pour the last of it (mostly very greasy unpopped kernels) into her mouth and crunches down with gusto. If you listen closely you can hear the dulcet tones of her dentist weeping in the background.
Apollo sits straight-backed with his hands folded tightly in his lap. His face, which was clearly tan before even in the dim theater lights, is ghost-white. Basically, he's handling it like a champ.
APOLLO
Oh, all out of popcorn? Not to worry, I can pop out and get you a refill.
MEG
Uh, thanks. But can't you just conjure--?
Apollo snatches the popcorn bucket from her hands, springs from his seat, and flees up the aisle towards the side exit of the theater.
INT. MOVIE THEATER LOBBY
Wide shot of the concessions counter that takes up the back wall of the lobby. Then we pan a little left to the far corner where Apollo stands in front of a small self-serve counter with a one of those liquid butter dispensers, hugging the empty popcorn bucket to his chest like a teddy bear.
APOLLO
(desperately)
Come on, Apollo, get ahold of yourself. It's not real, and even if it were, I could dispatch any evil clown with ease. Or turn it into a blue-belly lizard. Or a nice flower. Or perhaps even death-metal scream it to ash. If it worked for Commodus...
CONCESSIONS EMPLOYEE
Sir? Can I... help you?
Oh, shit. Hopefully they didn't hear all of that. Apollo whips around and gives the concerned employee a blinding white smile.
APOLLO
I believe you can. I seem to be in need of more popcorn. Could I trouble you for a refill?
INT. MOVIE THEATER
Meg is making quick work of the refill. Apollo looks, if anything, worse than he did before: paler, stiffer, and altogether spring-loaded with tension.
Now, we begin a montage-like series of short scenes as Apollo flounders wildly for excuses to leave the theater during the scary parts of the movie.
Throughout:
- the length of the scenes decreases, meaning faster, choppier cuts
- one of those classic high pitched ringing noises starts in the background and gradually increases in volume until the dialogue is barely audible
- Meg's expression becomes increasingly irritated; Apollo's, increasingly frantic
MONTAGE:
APOLLO
So sorry, Rachel's receiving a prophecy. I really must help interpret.
EXT. MOVIE THEATER PARKING LOT
Apollo sits in the driver's seat of the parked Maserati, hands squeezed around the steering wheel. There's a crackling then whooshing sound, and both his hands burst into golden flame.
INT. MOVIE THEATER
APOLLO
The future poet laureate is in desperate need of inspiration. Be right back.
INT. SUN PALACE WRITING STUDIO
Apollo sits at a desk heaped high with drifts of paper. He crumples up the page he was writing on disgustedly and lobs it without looking into a nearby trash can already overflowing with similarly discarded poetry attempts.
INT. MOVIE THEATER
APOLLO
Beyoncé just prayed for a last minute music consultation ahead of her concert. Won't take long!
INT. SUN PALACE THRONE ROOM
Apollo sits on the marble floor in the aftermath of a pottery tornado, a golden bow in one hand. He tosses the last unbroken jug into the air, nocks an arrow, and fires up.
INT. MOVIE THEATER
APOLLO
Look, I know it's the middle of the night here, but Europe needs its sun risen, stat!
INT. SUN PALACE STABLES
Apollo drapes himself over a sun horse in an extremely awkward hug. The horse snorts in a distinctly "what the hell is going on with this guy" way.
INT. MOVIE THEATER
APOLLO
--have to nip that outbreak in the bud; we don't want another international swine flu incident.
INT. SUN PALACE BEDROOM
Apollo sprawls facedown on a golden, silk-sheeted bed. We can't hear it over the growing ringing sound, but from the way his jaw moves it's pretty clear he's screaming into his pillow.
INT. MOVIE THEATER
APOLLO
--python escaped its enclosure at the L.A. Zoo. The actual snake, not the--
INT. SUN PALACE THRONE ROOM
Apollo paces the length of the room, kicking pottery shards from his path and muttering indistinctly.
INT. MOVIE THEATER
APOLLO
--my sacred cows are stampeding--
EXT. EMPTY PASTURE
Apollo stands in the middle of the field and stares desperately up at the night sky.
INT. MOVIE THEATER
APOLLO
(indistinct, under the ringing)
I wish I could stay, but I'm afraid it's--
MEG
(angry)
Stop!
The ringing stops instantly with her command. The theater is silent.
MEG (cont'd)
(dully)
Just stop. The movie's over, Lester.
Wide shot of the theater -- Meg and Apollo are completely alone in a sea of empty seats and drink cups and popcorn buckets.
APOLLO
Oh.
MEG
Why'd you even come if you hate the movie so much?
APOLLO
(weakly)
I don't...hate...
MEG
You were gone the whole time! And your excuses were stupid!
APOLLO
(faintly amused under the Guilt and Dread)
I thought they were...creative.
MEG
Stupid. Like you.
APOLLO
(rueful)
Yeah, I deserve that.
MEG
Are you really that scared of clowns?
APOLLO
(unconvincingly)
No...
(beat)
All right, yes, I hate clowns! Vile, loathsome creatures! They and all their jesterly accoutrements should be banished to the depths of Tartarus where they belong.
Meg snorts.
MEG
(serious)
You could have told me.
APOLLO
I know, but... you were so excited. And you called me your best friend, and I--wanted to be here with you for this.
MEG
Well, you weren't here. That's the whole point.
APOLLO
I know. I'm sorry, Meg. I thought I could handle it, but... you know the kid getting eaten scene?
MEG
Yeah, that was great.
APOLLO
I don't normally talk about this with...anyone. And this was before your time. But several of my children died during the Battle of Manhattan, and one of them, well... Kronos had these hellhounds, and Nathan got, um... (swallows) There wasn't a body to burn.
MEG
(oh shit)
Sorry, I didn't know...
APOLLO
(weak laugh) You couldn't have. I don't exactly bring this kind of topic up during piano lessons.
MEG
Still. Next time, we should watch a musical.
APOLLO
But you hate musicals.
MEG
(eyeroll)
Only the lame ones.
APOLLO
Now, Meg, every musical has its own charm and artistic value, and I think it's rather reductive to--
MEG
(disgusted)
Skimbleshanks the railway cat?
APOLLO
Oh, come on, Cats is a classic!
MEG
Bad classic. I like Phantom of the Opera. We should watch that again. His sewer lair is awesome.
APOLLO
I still don't understand your definition of "awesome," but if a sewer lair gets you to appreciate musical theater, I'll take it.
MEG
Good.
APOLLO
Good.
A brief silence. The tension has broken. It's comfortable this time.
MEG
Can we go home now? I wanna go to sleep and have cool clown nightmares.
APOLLO
You would want that. But yes, of course. Your sun chariot awaits.
MEG
Nice.
Meg shoves her empty popcorn bucket at Apollo and trots towards the exit.
Apollo smiles fondly and watches her go for a second or two. Then he looks up, gives the camera a tiny little glance, and snaps his fingers, and we:
BLACKOUT