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"I heard myself breathe the other day," Xiao said, in almost a whisper. "I placed my hands in front of my eyes and moved my fingers around, curling them and then extending." There was something in his eyes, a crooked smile tugged at his lips. "I realised I had a body..."
He took a swig from the bottle of wine Venti brought him. They were both sitting together on a cliff, drinking alcohol as tipsiness finally hit them. This was one of the rare times Venti wished he was sober, wished his mind was clear enough to really understand the meaning behind Xiao's words.
"Ich verstehe nicht..." He admitted, furrowing his eyebrows. He was the one who was supposed to be aware of feelings of others, understand them completely and be able to translate them so easily into words. How else would he be able to be a poet, after all?
Xiao hummed in response, taking another sip. "It was only after I played with my limbs, moving them around and feeling them; feeling my fingers brush against my face, feeling my hair poking my left eye, feeling the pain in my lower back from improperly carrying my weapon, feeling my knees and ankles ache from all of the falls and jumps they had to soften... feeling my heart beat calmly, and my chest rise gently... it was almost painful." Xiao frowned, biting his lower lip. "Not physically, of course not, but..." and he snapped his mouth shut.
Venti nodded, despite knowing that Xiao couldn't see it, he wasn't looking in his direction. "Glaubst du-" the alcohol always tasted sweeter in Xiao's presence, more addicting. "-ah, forget it, nevermind." That wasn't fair, Venti thought to himself, to leave his lover unanswered, to let the silence reign when there was clearly something to be said.
Xiao looked at him, not fully, mostly just mildly turning towards him, and staring at him from the side. There was a shine in his eyes, gold on gold, sun rays from the sunset they were both watching exaggerating the colour. A fire, still bright and strong within him, fierce and beautiful and ever so warm. It was comforting, in a way, to have to eyes soften so noticeably in his presence. It was terrifying, in another way, to be entrusted with such a level of trust.
"I don't think I'll ever fully grasp it." Xiao's breath smelled of Dandelion wine, potent, bitter and mildly sweet. "Knowing that I'm a living thing, immortal or not, I'm alive... It's weird, to see myself that way. It's weird to think I have full control over my body. It's weird that it's mine." A strange facial expression came across Xiao's face. He blinked slowly a few times, tilting his head a bit to the side.
"Geht es dir gut?" And it was a stupid question, really. But what else was he supposed to say? Sober Venti was good at feelings, drunk Venti was only good at listening. He'll remember though, offer Xiao some words of comfort next morning. For now though, all he can offer him is a way to say more, a bigger outlet.
Xiao shook his head. "My loyalty is what has gotten me mentally tormented for years." He closed his eyes, his muscles tensing up. "I'm so loyal to my siblings that I refuse to let them go. It hurts. They are always there, I see them everywhere I look. Their favourite flowers, foods, drinks; I get reminded of their interests and hobbies; of conversations we had, sat around a fire, cooking food... of their last words they said to me before they fell into insanity... I'm so loyal that I refuse to let any of it go."
"You shouldn't," Venti found himself saying, "Remnants of them live through you. You've immortalized them, Liebling. Even if you wanted to, du kannst sie nicht vergessen." His mouth was suddenly dry, cotton like, his usual silver tongue gone, and instead, only fragments of what he wanted to say remained. "Don't look at it like it's a bad thing... you're keeping them alive."
"My loyalty took away my body too," Xiao said, playing with the wine bottle in his hands. "I was so loyal to my previous master that I wasn't even me anymore. I was Alatus, a mere weapon. A tool for slaughter. I wasn't a living, breathing, thing-"
"-Person, Liebchen..."
"-After that. It took many centuries to undo the damage that he's caused me. Even now, I keep forgetting that I'm not just my polearm. That I'm not..." and he stopped for a moment, biting his tongue. He shook his head, not wanting to say anything further about that.
"But your loyalty and devotion kept you going up until now, did they not?" It was said in a whisper, something helpless in Venti's voice. "Why are you doubting?"
Xiao was quiet, looking down at his lap. The sun started to slowly fall behind the horizon, bleeding a gorgeous mosaic of pinks, oranges and even some lilac. There was a peacefulness to it all, and the ache settling deep in Venti's and Xiao's chests only somehow enhanced that feeling of tranquility.
Venti reached into his pocket, pulling out two slightly bent cigarettes. "Here," he said, handing one to his boyfriend. "You definitely need it." And Xiao laughed bitterly before accepting the offer.
They both turned around to the fire they lit behind them, almost fully out. Xiao was the first to reach out and light his cigarette on the dwindling flame, Venti followed soon after.
It was silent for a few moments longer, as they watched the evening transform into night, as they watched all the colours fade and turn to navy blue mixed with black. There was no silvery glow of the moon right now, wisps of clouds blocked its shine.
"Do you think..." Xiao started, "That if I left my Karma to do its own thing to me one time, not fight back and count to a thousand and then backwards to zero, I'd..." He sighed, taking a drag from his cigarette. Venti only stiffened, already anticipating the rest. "...do you think I'd finally feel like I made a choice of my own?"
"What...?" That was only partly what Venti expected him to say. His hands were cold and numb, and his fingers refused to listen to him.
"If I let Karma kill me then... it would be my choice, right? I didn't die because I was weak, I didn't die because fate decided so, I didn't die because my soul just couldn't handle any more weight... I died because I wanted to."
"No."
And Xiao laughed, a joyless laugh. He placed the cigarette between his lips before he turned to Venti. "But it's true, is it not? I've spent my whole life in servitude, obeying orders, fulfilling wishes, protecting... would it not be only fair for me to repay the debt I have towards myself? Fulfill my own wish for once, protect myself from any more harm, make a decision on my own accord."
"Letting my lover kill himself-"
"But it isn't about you," Xiao interrupted, perhaps a bit too harshly. "It's about me finally allowing myself a choice."
"Kill Alatus." Venti quickly said, "Kill your past. Kill the one who forced you into such a mentality. Kill the one in whose shadow you live. Let Xiao breathe." They were definitely going to have a lengthy conversation the next morning, once Venti sobers up.
"But Venti,
Then there would be no one to keep my siblings alive."