Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

It started off as a normal patrol for the four turtles. Raph wasn’t super thrilled about their patrol today because a tv show he really liked was on, and he wanted to see it live. But Leo wouldn’t let him get out of it, so here they were now.

“You guys should’ve been there!” Mikey was saying. “Leatherhead got more and more pissed every time I beat his high score, so I-”

“Shh,” Leo shushed them. “Did you guys hear something?”

“Something other than Mikey’s annoying voice? No, Leo. I didn’t.”

“Hey!” Mikey whined. “I was just getting to the good part!”

“Well, maybe you should’ve gotten there about twenty minutes ago.”

“No fair! You always-”

“Guys!” Donnie interrupted. “I think Leo’s right. Something's off.”

They all grabbed their weapons and started to look around them. Raph almost jumped when he heard a small noise in one of the allies, but caught himself before he could. He looked around at his brothers, and they all nodded to each other. They jumped up to the nearest rooftop and ran along the edge of it, trying to locate the source of the noise. They all stopped when they stood above the alley. They all leaned over the edge and looked down. Sitting on top of a trashcan was a small stray cat.

“Awwww!” Mikey beamed. “Look how adorable! It’s a stray kitty.”

Raph noticed Leo sigh out of the corner of his eye. “I don’t know, Leo. That kitten does look pretty dangerous. Should we all run away in fear?”

“Oh shut up, Raph,” Leo said. “I thought it-”

Leo was cut off by another noise. This time it didn’t come from the cat. All four of them whipped around. Leo gave Raph a smirk. Raph just rolled his eyes and pulled out his Sais.

Before anyone could say anything else, a group of Foot Clan members jumped onto the rooftop with them.

“Oh! Just the Foot?” Donnie said. “We got this, guys.”

“You bet we do.” Leo exclaimed, “Get them!”

They all jumped into action. Each taking up to three of them at a time with ease. Raph felt himself exhale a breath of boredom, anticipation, and over all antsy-ness, as he beat every single Foot that came his way. His anger problems had only increased over the months where they were battling more and more dangerous ninjas and creatures, but of course, anger was only a front for him. What he had really been noticing about himself is how full of anxiety he was. Along with just general, unspecified, anxiety, he also had bundles of anxiety about his brothers. He didn’t know if they were all prepared to fight monsters from space or highly trained ninjas. Hell, they had been regular turtles only 15 years ago.

He worried that Mikey was not prepared for these fights most of all. Mikey was a very skilled ninja, but he had so much life in him. Raph often thought Mikey was more cut out to be an artist or someone who does stand up or acting, and Raph saw how he pushed his passion for other things down to be there for his brothers, and Raph hated it. He often just wanted to give Mikey a hug and let him know that he could do what ever he wanted with his life, and he would still love and support him.

He worried about Donnie, who most nights stayed up into the early morning hours to put together his latest machine or gadget that could maybe help them in battle. When Raph would wake up in the middle of the night, which he did most nights than not, he would creep into Donnie’s lab with a blanket. Very little of the time Donnie was in his bed. He was usually slumped over in his chair, and only half of those times was he actually sleeping. If he was sleeping in his chair, Raph would gently lay the blanket over him and let him rest. If he was still awake, working on something, Raph would listen while Donnie explained what it was he was working on for a while, before yelling at him to go to sleep. Only sometimes Donnie would listen.

He was really worried for Leo. Raph saw how much pressure he was putting on himself, and he hated it. Sure, Leo was their leader, but Raph wished he knew that his brothers are willing to take some of the responsibility off his shoulders. Leo always trained late into the night, and barely let himself have any rests. Raph was extra alarmed when he noticed he wasn’t even watching as much Space Heroes as he usually did. Raph didn’t know what to do about Leo, so he started training with him, for just as long. Raph thought it was a great idea. He got to have extra time with and keep an eye on his brother, and he also loved his training. At first Leo would tell Raph to go to sleep or to get some rest, but Raph never listened. He kept on training until they were both wiped out and needed sleep. Now Leo never put up a fight about Raph joining him, and Raph secretly knew that Leo actually loved and needed the company.

Raph wished that he could come out and be honest about his feelings with his brothers. His worry for all of them. He at least wished he could show some concern. But what he was doing was all the concern he would let himself show. He had learned at a young age that he showed his support for his team best when he was in battle. He wasn’t afraid of getting hurt or putting himself at risk as long as it would help his brothers stay safe. This drove Leo crazy, but Raph didn’t really care. If he couldn’t be their shield, then what was he good for? It only made logical sense in his mind. He couldn’t provide a sense of lightheartedness to the team like Michalangelo did, he couldn’t make things and didn’t have the brains that Donatello did, and he surely couldn’t lead like Leonardo did, he learned that the hard way, so what was he good for? His fighting style. His ability to run into battle head first without thinking how hurt he would get. His ability to risk himself in any dangerous situation that could result in his brothers getting hurt.

He was snapped out of his train of thought when he felt a sharp sting on his arm. One of the Foot had nicked him with one of their shuriken. Raph winced slightly as the blood pooled and started to dribble down his arm. The red blood was an intense contrast to his green skin, just like his mask was. It made him angry that one of the measly Foot had gotten him, but it also gave him a calming sense. A sense that he was doing something right. Each hit he took was a hit he had saved his brothers from taking.

“Raph!” He heard Leonardo shout.

“It’s fine, Leo!” He shouted back.

He turned back to the Foot who had hit him, and punched him square in the jaw, knocking him clean on the floor.

“Nick one, Raph!” Donnie said genuinely as they passed each other in combat.

“Thanks, Dee.”

“Guys, does it seem like there are a lot more of them than there usually is?” Leo yelled over to his brothers.

Mikey was the first to respond, “Yeah! 100 percent! They’re still pretty easy to beat thou-” He was cut off when one of the Foot knocked him in the stomach with the handle of his sword. He called out as he pinwheeled his arms, trying to keep himself from falling off the edge of the building they were on.

“Mikey!” Leo and Donnie called out in unison. But before either of them could do anything, Raph launched himself towards his brother and caught him by his arm.

“Thanks, man,” Mikey said with a sheepish smile.

“Anytime, little bro.” Raph turned to the Foot that were surrounding them. “Alright. Which one of you guys hurt my brother? Confess who did it, and maybe I won't ruff ya’ up too bad.” All of the Foot members just took a step back and positioned themselves for a fight. “Not tellin’, huh? Well, don’t say I didn’t warn you.” Raph jumped towards them and started to take them all out violently. Mikey joined them, and together they knocked all of them out. They fistbumped after that one.

After a while of fighting, they finally started thinning out. All of the turtles were out of breath and worn out.

“You think we’re almost done here?” Donnie asked between heaving breaths.

“I sure hope so,” Leo answered.

“Yeah. I don’t know about you bros, but I don’t know how many more of these guys I can take,” Mikey chimed in.

Just then, they spotted a second swarm of Foot Soldiers running towards them. Donnie groaned.

“Lucky for you Mikey,” Raph said. “I could take these guys all day.” He then pulled out his Sais from his belt again, got into stance.

“Wanna bet?” Donnie said. “Cause we might end up doing just that.”

“I’m with Raph,” Leo said. “We won't fall back. At least not yet. We’ve faced worse.”

Chapter Text

Raph and his brothers faced the Foot Soldiers. They were exhausted and wanted to go back to the lair, but they couldn’t do that now. Each one of the brothers was now surrounded by Foot.

Raph was almost thankful for the extended battle. Almost thankful, though, because he was worried for his brothers who were increasingly getting more and more tired. But fighting always brought him some kind of peace of mind. He felt like it was the one time that he could let his thoughts drift away from him, and just let himself be down on earth for a moment. The moving, the fact that he was protecting his brothers, even the swift sharp pains that would happen if he let his guard down. He liked all of it. He really only liked it while he was actively fighting, though, as he was often woken up with nightmares of his battles during the night. He would have dreams that his brothers were hurt. That he wasn’t fast enough, wasn’t strong enough, wasn’t good enough to save his brothers. That thought woke him up most nights. He would often wake up in a cold sweat, usually calling out in his sleep. Sometimes he would wake himself up with his own cries. He would be so embarrassed that he would hide under his covers and wait for his brother's footsteps out in the hall. Sometimes one of them, usually Leo, would softly knock on his door and ask if he was okay, to which he would always mumble some reassurance to, then try and go back to sleep. A cycle that Raph hated, more than anything, actually. He didn’t need his brothers to think he was weak, or to think they needed to be worried for him. The day he needed to rely on his brothers for emotional support was a day he was never going to see.

“Raph! Behind you!” Leo called out.

Raph turned around, and sure enough, he was about to be attacked from behind by a Foot Soldier. He caught the guy's arm and threw him backwards. “Thanks, Leo,” He said.

He went back to fighting the soldiers that were in front of him, when he saw it. His worst fear was about two seconds away from happening. He saw Donnie, his back turned to him, fighting a group of The Foot. As he was watching, a Foot Soldier snuck up behind him and raised a sword to hit him. Raph almost froze up, almost let fear get the best of him, but he didn’t. He jumped, he tried to yell out his brother's name but nothing came out. He slashed out and attacked all the Foot he was fighting, losing both of his Sais in the process. He crashed into Donnie at full speed and sent them both flying sideways before crashing to the ground. He heard the sword that would have hit Donnie hit the ground instead with a satisfying clang sound.

“Jeez, Raph! You could’ve just warned…” Donnie trailed off as he looked past Raph.

All of the Foot Soldiers backed off and fled the scene. Raph looked behind him and saw his two other brothers looking down at something crumpled on the ground. His heart skipped a beat. He didn’t know why he was nervous. He saw that all of his brothers were okay, but the way they were acting was really off. He finally looked down to what everyone else was looking at, and his breath caught. It was a Foot Soldier. He was laying on the ground with his head resting in a pool of his own blood. There was one of his Sais sticking out of his face.

“Fuck,” he muttered under his breath. He started to stand up and slowly walk over. Donnie tried to grab his arm to hold him back, but Raphael pulled it out of his grasp.

“Hey, Raph?” Leo called to him. “Maybe you shouldn’t come over here.”

Raph ignored him and continued to approach. Raph shook his head slightly. What had he done? “Is he…” he started to ask. ‘dead?’ But he couldn’t bring himself to finish the question. Partly because he knew the answer, and partly because he didn’t want to. He walked up to the crumpled Soldier and looked down. The world spun around him. He looked down at what he had done.

“Raph, it’s gonna be okay-”

“Shut up, Leo,” He said harshly. He kneeled over the Foot Soilder next to Mikey.

“Hey, maybe he’ll be alright?” Mikey suggested. Raph didn’t dignify him with a response.

“Okay everyone,” Donnie started. “Whatever you do, dont pull out the Sai. That would open the wound, resulting in catastrophic blood loss, therefore drastically increasing the chances of death, while also-”

“Donnie,” Leo said softly. “I think… I think he’s already dead.”

“Is he?” Donnie asked after a moment of silence from him. “There’s nothing I- we can do?”

Leo then kneeled down on the other side of Raph. “No, Donnie. I don’t think so.” Leo said, sadly. “Hey, Donnie? Could you actually take Mikey somewhere safe for a while? I’ll take care of this.”

Donnie looked over at Mikey, who was turning pale and wasn’t saying anything. “Uh- yeah. Yeah, I’ll do that Leo.”

“Don’t go back to the lair yet. We still gotta figure out what to tell Splinter. Keep your T-phone on, I’ll call you when we’re… done here.”

Donnie just nodded in response.

Raph didn’t say anything. He didn’t know what to say. He just stared at his enemy, with one of his Sais sticking out of his face. Raph jumped slightly with surprise when Leo pulled out the Sai and threw it to the floor. Mikey stood up and walked backwards as more blood oozed from the man's face and pooled in a larger radius around him. Mikey walked slowly towards Donnie, then they both left together. Raph and Leo didn’t move. They both let their knees get soiled with the man's blood. Raph tentatively reached down and started to pull at his mask.

“Raph, you might not want to. It’s gonna be gruesome.”

“I can handle gruesome Leo. I just… I just wanna see his face.” Raph peeled back the mask. He instantly regretted it. It was true he could handle gruesome, though the stab wound was worse than he had been expecting. It was the face that the man under the mask was making. Really, the fact that he had a face bothered Raph more than anything, though. The fact that this was just somebody that was living not too long ago. He had a life. A life that was cut short. Cut short by him.

Raph flinched back when he took everything in. He felt a wave of nausea roll over him, and gagged.

“Hey, Raph, It’s okay, man. Or, it’s gonna be okay. I don’t- I don’t really know how to- I mean, nothing like this has ever happened to us before,” Leo stuttered.

Raph felt anger boil up inside of him, and he didn’t even know why. He was mad that the stupid Foot Soldier was in the wrong place at the wrong time. I mean, it was a move he did on The Krang Bots so often. Stabbing his Sai into the head was usually a sure-fire way to win against them, and when he saw that Donnie was in trouble, he didn’t think. He just eliminated all threats and saved his brother. He was mad that Leo was being so kind and gentle in this moment. Why wasn’t Leo angry at him? Raph had made one of the biggest mistakes he could've made, and Leo didn’t even give him as much as a slap on the wrist! He was mad that Donnie had been careless enough to put Raph in this position in the first place. If Donnie had been more careful then… Raph slightly shook his head. This wasn’t Donnies fault. It wasn’t anyone's fault but himself. He’s the one who stabbed someone in the face.

He looked back down at him. He was young, in his twenties probably, and had light stubble. He looked like the kind of guy who would go out with his friends on the weekend to drink. The type of guy to have a nice girlfriend and- Raph’s heart squeezed at the thought of this guys girlfriend waiting for him at home. Maybe she had made dinner for the two of them to share. And she would wait for him to get home to her. Wait for longer than she usually had to, and got more and more anxious as she did so. And when she finally heard footsteps walking to the door, she would get excited and run up, only to find it was the police. The police with a crime scene picture of her boyfriend - oh god maybe they were married - a picture of her husband with a stab wound in his face. In his fucking face. And they would say, “we need you to identify someone mam. Is this your husband?” and instead of answering, she would fall to the floor and wail. She would wail and then their kid - no their baby - would start wailing and-

“Raph!”

Raph looked up at Leo, who had called his name. He realized he was crying. God, he hated crying. It was so goddamn embarrassing, but he didn’t care right now. “Leo, I- I’m a monster!” He cried out. He was panicking. And Leo knew he was. How could Raph not care that Leo was seeing him panic? Raph never let anyone see him panic. Not even Splinter. Oh god, Splinter. He remembered back to when he was young. He was young and Splinter was training him to be a good fighter. A good fighter that would, and could, protect his brothers at all costs. He remembered that he had him and all of his brothers in a line, it was after a quite brutal training session. Splinter was almost ready to send them into the city to fight crime. He looked each one of them in the eye, but Raph noted that he looked at him a little closer and a little longer, and told them, “Fighting isn’t about being fair. If you need to fight dirty, fight dirty. But there is one thing you may never do. You must never kill. Be very careful of this, sons. The ones who kill - innocent people or not - are no better than Shredder. You understand?” They all bowed and called out, “Hai, Sensei!”

Raph looked into Leo’s eyes. Panic was coursing all through his body. “You can’t tell Master Splinter. You can’t tell him. Okay, Leo?”

“Raph, I-”

“Please!” Raph didn’t beg for what he wanted. He didn’t beg for anything, but he was going to beg for this. “Please, Leo. He already thinks I’m dangerous and-”

“Raphael, it’s going to be okay. I promise.”

Raph barely cried, and he never sobbed, but, god was he close now. “Leo! Please just tell me you won’t tell him! He- He’d hate me! I don’t want him to know! Please. Promise me Leo. Please. For me.”

In one swift movement, Leonardo took his brother into a hug. “Raph, I can’t promise that. He is going to need to know. But, Raph, I can, and I will promise you that everything is going to be okay. Splinter isn’t going to hate you. He would never. Even if he did, I will be there for you, okay? I’m going to keep you safe.”

Raph pushed his brother off of him. Leo didn’t know it, but he had touched a nerve with his last statement. Raph didn’t want Leo keeping him safe, but look at him now. In one motion, one honest mistake, he had lost everything. He didn’t want to lose his role in his team. He couldn’t.

Raph let out a choked sob and crumpled back into his brother's arms. Leo hugged him tight, like he wasn’t going to let him go. Part of him hoped he didn’t ever let go.

Chapter Text

“Donnie?” Mikey asked after a while of watching Donnie pace back and forth in a small alleyway. Mikey was perched on top of a closed dumpster. He was still slightly shaken up after what had happened.

“Yes, Mikey?” Donnie replied, stopping his pacing and now rubbing his temples.

“Are you… are you okay?”

“Yes, Mikey.” Donnie replied, dryly and went back to his pacing. After pacing for a moment longer, he threw his hands up in exasperation. “I just don’t know why Raph had to go and do that!”

Mikey raised an eyebrow at him.

“I know he didn’t mean to,” Donnie said, almost as if he had read Mikey’s thoughts.

“He also, like, saved your butt, didn’t he?” Mikey said.

Donnie buried his face in his hands. “I know! And I’m not mad. I’m actually incredibly thankful. It’s just, this messes a lot of things up. For everyone.”

“Like what?” Mikey asked, even though he roughly knew the answer his brother was going to give.

“Well, Master Splinter is going to be angry with him. And all of us. Who knows when we will be able to leave the lair again. And now we have the reputation that we murder people. But also,” Donnie hesitated slightly. “I’m nervous for Raph. I mean, you know he’s gonna take this pretty harshly.”

Mikey frowned. He had been nervous for Raph as well. To be honest, he hadn’t really thought about Splinter or being grounded or anything like that. He was just trying to prepare himself for the storm-to-be that was Raph.

Donnie continued. “I just hope he doesn’t take this too much to heart. I don’t want him to view this as a judgment of his character, cause it’s not. He has a good heart, and I don’t think he knows that sometimes.”

“You know,” Mikey thought out loud. “I think it’ll all end up okay. We’ll be able to help him through it.”

“You’ve always been good at wishful thinking, Mikey.”

~

“C’mon, Raph. I think it’s time we got out of here.”

Raph nodded. He wanted nothing more than to leave this rooftop, but he wanted nothing less than to be back in the lair.

“You ready? Then I’ll call Donnie.”

~

All four of them sat on a rooftop close to the lair, their feet dangling off the edge of the building. Raph was a lot quieter than he usually was, Mikey was not surprised to take notice of. Leo had brought up how they were going to tell Splinter what had happened, and a silence had fallen over the four of them. Mikey knew there was no real obvious way to tell him. There was no way of letting him know that one of his sons had killed someone, pretty brutally at that, in a way that would make him feel nice and calm and comfortable.

“Should we, like, make it formal?” Donnie asked. “Like, maybe we should all go up and bow and… and apologize? Judging by Splinter's character, it might be the best way to do this.”

“I honestly think it makes the most sense for Raph to tell him,” Mikey said. All his brothers looked at him with confusion. Raph looked like he couldn’t think of anything he wanted to do less than tell Master Splinter by himself.

“I get that you don’t want to tell him, Mikey,” Leo started. “But I really-”

Mikey cut him off and waved his hands in front of his face. “No! It’s not that at all! It’s just, when Splinter sees how…” Mikey paused for a second. “How torn up Raph is over this, I don’t think he could stay mad.”

Raph scoffed. “I appreciate the idea, little bro, but I would jump off a bridge before I would go tell Splinter all by myself.” His brothers all gave him sad and troubled looks. “Hey, I know I don’t really ask for help like this often, but I really need you guys there with me, okay?” He ended the sentence softly and quietly.

“What if I tell him?” Leo suggested. It was the first idea he had contributed to the conversation.

Donnie raised an eyebrow at him. “Like, by yourself?”

Leo nodded. “I just think, as the leader, that he would understand better if I was the one to tell him. I mean, he’s always taken me more seriously than you all, I just think he would, like, process better if I was the one to tell him.”

Donnie smiled. A soft smile of worry and a bit of relief. “Okay, favorite. No need to rub it in.”

“Hey! I am doing you a favor, Donatello,” Leo jabbed back, playfully.

“By all means, you can tell him yourself. Saves me a lot of worry, anyway,” Donnie replied.

“Are you sure about this, Leo?” Raph asked.

“No,” Leo said. “I’m not. I’m not really sure how Splinter is going to react to this.”

“Well,” Raph said, quietly. “Thanks, Leo.”

Leo smiled and nodded.

~

They all quietly snuck into the layer, trying not to get Splinters attention right away, but to no avail. Splinter was sitting in the den, waiting for their return.

“What took you four so long? It was supposed to be a quick patrol! Did you-” Raph noticed Splinters eyes flicker to Leo’s and his own legs, which were covered in dried blood. Not to mention their knee pads were soaked with it. “Leonardo! Raphael! What happened? Are you boys hurt?”

“No, Sensei,” Leo said. “Could I… talk to you for a minute? In the dojo?”

Splinter nodded and followed Leonardo into the dojo, where they closed the door. The three remaining brothers sat down on the couch. Raph sighed and put his head in his hands. He felt like something was squeezing his chest, leaving just enough room for his heart to beat, but not enough room to fully function like it was supposed to. It felt like an eternity that Leo and Splinter were in the dojo. Raph just continued to fall deeper into the hole that was his anxiety. Every breath in he took was agonizing, and every breath out felt like it might be his last. He felt as if he might keel over and die right then. Like maybe a big hole would open up and suck him in, and that maybe he wouldn’t mind if that happened. He was scared. He didn’t know what was going to happen next, and that drove him crazy. He wished he were anywhere or anyone else right now. He wished-

Mikey elbowed him lightly. Raph jumped. “Raph, you good?”

Raph sighed. “I mean, no?” He said honestly. “I just- I’m scared.”

“It’s gonna be okay,” Mikey said quietly.

Raph wished his brothers would stop saying that. How did they know if things were going to be okay?

The three of them turned when they heard Splinter’s voice from the dojo. “He what?” Raph flinched. He sounded angry. Angry enough for Raph to notice it, at least. But he mostly just sounded surprised. Maybe a little scared?

The dojo door opened slightly, then Leo said, “Master Splinter? One more thing.” And it closed again.

Raph got up and started to pace. He noticed his hands were shaking, then pressed them tightly to his sides. He really didn’t want to talk to Splinter. He couldn’t explain himself. He genuinely didn’t mean to! This wasn’t something caused by, like, his suppressed anger or anything. It was just a mistake. This thought comfortred Raph. He could explain a mistake.

Leo walked out of the dojo and up to Raph. “Splinter wants to see you.” Raph couldn’t read the expression on his brother's face.

“Is he… mad?” Raph asked quietly.

“Uh, yeah. He is. But not like, furious. Nothing you can’t handle.”

Raph smiled slightly at Leo. “Thanks, Leo.”

To his surprise, Leo pulled Raph into a hug. Raph exhaled. He could do this.

~

Raph sat on the floor of the dojo across from Splinter. They shared a moment of silence together. Splinter looked directly at Raph, while he opted to look at the floor. Raph had expected Splinter to talk first, but he was slowly starting to doubt that he would. The silence was killing him. It was suffocating him. He needed someone to say something, and he was going to be the one to do it.

“Listen, Master Splinter. I really didn’t mean to. I mean, Donnie was in trouble and I wasn’t thinking, and-”

“Raphael,” Splinter said.

Raph shut up, quickly. “Yes, Sensei.”

“I want to hear what you did, from your point of view. I already heard it from Leonardo, but I want to hear it from you. Not why what happened, happened, nor why it was okay that it did happen. But only what happened, Raphael.”

“Uh, well,” Raph started, He didn’t quite know how to explain. “Well I was fighting the guys, and I saw one try to get Donnie from behind, and I don’t know what happened.”

Splinter raised an eyebrow at him.

“I mean, I just ran to him to help him! I wasn’t trying-”

“Raphael,” Splinter cut him off. “While I am glad that Donatello made it back unharmed, I am disappointed in what happened to get him here.”

Raph blinked. Was he not listening to him? He didn’t mean to.

“I have trained you for years to know better, Raphael. I have trained you to be better. I just don’t know where I went wrong.”

“It was a mistake, Sensei.”

“Does it make a difference to that Foot Soldier whether it was a mistake or not?”

“Well, no, but-”

“Will it make a difference to the media? Or to The Shredder when he finds out his enemies have finally stooped to his level?”

Raph took in a shaky breath. He hadn’t really thought of this.

“I just thought that I tra-”

Raph was the one to cut off Splinter this time. “Does it not matter to you that Donnie made it back alive?” He said in as strong of a voice that he could muster. “‘Cause it doesn't sound like it.”

“What were you expecting, Raphael? Truely? For me to give you a pat on the back?” Splinter cut back harshly.

“You would if I was Leo,” Raph mumbled under his breath. He saw Splinter's ears perk up.

“No I would not, Raphael. And do you want to know why?” He said bitterly. “Because Leonardo wouldn’t have done this.” Raph’s heart sank. He knew it was true, but it still hurt to hear. “I don’t have to worry when I send Leonardo out into the city, because I trust that he can keep a calm head on his shoulders and not act irrationally. Put simply, I can trust him, Raphael. And I’m starting to doubt if I can trust you.”

“Sensei-”

“And I see how much work you put into protecting your brothers, and I really do commend you for it. But you need to put more work into learning how to fight without being so… so violent, Raphael. You must get your anger under control.”

Raph was at a loss for words. He didn’t know how to respond to this. He knew deep down that Splinter thought he was a mess up, but he still didn’t like hearing it.

Splinter sighed. “I wasn’t trying to hurt you, Raphael. I am just expressing my frustrations with you.”

“But- but Sensei! Donnie could’ve been the dead one! I don’t understand why you aren’t seeing that-”

“Raphael!” Splinter bellowed. “How many times have I told you in your life that your anger is dangerous! Not only to you, but to your brothers as well. You have put your team at risk.”

Raph looked at him. What was he supposed to say now?

“Frankly, I am disappointed with you, Raphael. I thought you were better than this.”

Raph let those words crash down on him for a moment, then furiously stood up. “You know what, Sensei? You just don’t understand. You’ve never understood me or anything I do, but I don’t care anymore.” He stormed out of the dojo, only earning a sigh from Splinter.

“Raph?” He heard Donnie say as he stormed through the lair.

“Can it, Donnie,” he said, and walked out of the lair and into the sewer tunnels.

Chapter Text

“What happened? Are you boys hurt?” Splinter said.

Leo had forgotten all about the blood on his legs. He would worry about that later. “No, Sensei,” He said in the calmest voice he could muster up. “Could I… talk to you for a second? In the dojo?”

Splinter nodded. Leo could feel the waves of anxiety coming from him. He wondered if Splinter could feel his anxiety too. His brothers all sat down on the couch and Raph put his head in his hands. Leo turned away from them and walked into the dojo. As he sat down cross-legged on the floor, he started to regret turning Donnies idea down. While he knew that what he was doing now was for the best, he wished he had his brothers with him right now. He could really use them.

“Leonardo. My boy. Please let me know what is going on. It is rare to see you covered in blood.” Splinter sounded really worried. Leo didn’t like when Splinter was worried. It made him feel unsafe and unsecure. Leo also took notice of the sadness in Splinter's voice at his last statement. It was becoming increasingly less rare for him and his brothers to come home covered with blood, and Splinter knew so. Leo assumed that Splinter was worried for the day they came home in pieces. Leo wouldn’t let that day ever come.

Leo looked down at the floor. “Well, Sensei, none of us are hurt. Too bad at least. It’s just…” Leo didn’t know how to continue. While Splinter was visibly relieved that none of his sons were hurt, he still looked concerned and worried. Leo didn’t know how to tell him what happened without making him an anxious mess. He knew that when Splinter was anxious, he could, not unlike Raph, turn his anxiety into strictness and harshness, which could sometimes read as straight up anger. Leo wanted to avoid this outcome at all costs. Not only for Raph, but for the rest of them too. “Sensei, please don’t be super angry.”

“What? Spit it out, Leonardo.”

Leo picked his head back up and looked into Splinter's eyes. “Well, Raph made a mistake. A pretty bad one, at that. But it’ll all be okay.”

“What on earth did he do?” Splinter said in a panicked voice.

Leo sighed. It was incredibly hard to get the words out. It almost felt like a betrayal to Raph, even though he knew Raph was totally on board with this. “He killed someone.”

Splinter's eyes went wide. “He what?” he bellowed. He stood up and walked over to the door and opened it slightly.

Leo jumped up from where he was sitting and went to Splinter’s side. “Uh- Sensei, one more thing?”

Splinter took a breath and closed the door again. “I guess I should give you the chance to explain before I berate him. Go on.”

Leo wrung his hands. “It’s just- he was protecting Donnie, and it just… happened. He really didn’t mean it and he's super torn up about it.”

Splinter looked into Leo's eyes, but Leo couldn’t quite make out what emotion he was feeling. Splinter sighed, and asked quietly, “How did he kill him?”

Leo hesitated. “Stabbed him with his sigh… in the face.”

Splinter looked shocked for a second, but quickly recovered. “Okay. Could you bring him in to see me?”

“Yes, Sensei.”

Leo walked out of the dojo and started walking back to his brothers. He was glad his portion of talking to Splinter was over, but he was nervous for Raph. He didn’t like the thought of him sitting through whatever Splinter had to say to him, but he also knew it was the right thing to do.

He stood in front of Raph now. “Splinter wants to see you.”

Raph looked scared, Leo was slightly alarmed to see. He knew he would be, of course, but it was still hard to see. Raph didn’t usually let his fear show. “Is he… mad?” He asked softly.

“Uh,” Leo started. “Yeah. He is. But not like, furious. Nothing you can’t handle.”

Raph smiled a small smile at him. “Thanks, Leo.”

Leo wanted to tell him that everything was going to be okay, but he was sure Raph was done hearing that. He wanted to tell him that Splinter was going to be mad. That he was going to yell at him and probably make him feel like a terrible person. But that no matter what Splinter said or did, that he and his brothers would always be there for him. And that he wasn’t mad at him. He couldn’t find the words to say this, so he just wrapped his brother into a hug. Raph stiffened at first, but quickly melted into the hug.

Raph broke away first. He walked away from them and moved into the dojo. Leo sat on the couch with a sigh.

“Was Splinter, like, super mad?” Donnie asked.

“Kinda, I guess. He wasn’t happy.”

Mikey groaned. “I’m like, super stressed. I just hope everything goes back to normal soon.”

“It will,” Leo said. “I promise.”

Mikey chuckled slightly. “I don’t have any other choice than to believe you, huh?”

Leo smiled softly to himself. “I am the leader, after all. If I say it’ll be alright, it’ll be alright.”

Donnie slapped Leo’s shoulder lightly. “Cut it with the leader crap. I don’t have the patience to deal with it right now,” he said lightheartedly.

“Come on, Dee! Let me have this,” Leo whined.

“Well, I guess it’s the least I can give you. You did single handedly face angry Splinter,” Donnie said.

“That shows a true leader if you ask me,” Mikey said, half sarcastic, but also genuinely.

Leo smiled slightly after hearing this from his brothers, even if they were mostly just joking. “Man, I wish I could eavesdrop right about now,” he said.

“Don’t we all,” Mikey said.

“I just hope Splinter doesn’t go too hard on him,” Leo said.

“I wouldn’t put money on that one, Leo,” Donnie started. “Splinter’s not really the type to go easy on people.”

Leo sighed. “I mean, he’s always reasonable and everything at least. I just don’t think he’s gonna take Raph’s current mental state into account.”

“No, I doubt he will,” Donnie said, defeated.

“Raph did break his, like, number 1 rule, though,” Mikey chimed in.

None of them said anything after that. Mikey was right. What Raph did was admittedly pretty bad, and Splinter wouldn’t let any of them off easy for it. Leo rested his head in his hands.

They all sat in relative silence after that. They were waiting anxiously for Raph to emerge from the dojo. Silently praying Raph wouldn’t be too upset when he finally did show up. Their prayers wouldn’t be answered, though, because soon, they would hear Raph’s voice from behind the dojo door. “You know what, Sensei? You just don’t understand. You’ve never understood me or anything I do, but I don’t care anymore.” He then swung the door open, then slammed it shut behind him. He stormed through the den, passing his brothers without even giving them a look.

“Raph?” Donnie called out.

“Can it, Donnie,” Raph grumbled. He then walked out of the lair and into the sewer tunnels.

His three brothers just watched him go. Donnie sighed. “I shouldn't've tried, huh?”

“Probs not, Donnie,” Mikey said, quietly.

Leo stood up. “I’ll go after him. You both stay here.”

Donnie shrugged. “Sounds good to me.”

Mikey smiled a tired smile at Leo and nodded his head. “Go get him, tiger,” He teased. He then walked into his bedroom and closed the door.

Leo turned to leave, then felt Donnies hand on his shoulder. “Bring him home safe, okay?”

Leo looked into Donnies eyes and tried his best to look confident. “I will. Promise.”

Donnie nodded and left towards his lab/bedroom. Leo set off to find his brother.

Chapter Text

He was a hurricane. A tornado running through the sewers. He kicked all the pieces of trash he walked by. He was so pissed. Why was Splinter so unfair to him? Raph punched the wall. His hand stung, but it grounded him somewhat. He reached the ladder and climbed up out of the sewers. He ran across building after building, trying to find a spot for him to sit and just think for a while. God, he was so frustrated. He didn’t deserve this! He finally found the perfect rooftop to sit on. After sitting for a moment, he decided he wanted to lay down instead, so he did so.

“Splinter is such a dick,” He mumbled under his breath. He was immediately filled with guilt after the words came out. He knew that Splinter had only said things he needed to hear, but he wished he could’ve said them a bit nicer. But Splinter wasn’t the most gentle person. Neither was Raph. So why couldn’t he take Splinter’s words?

He lifted his arm up above his head and looked at his hand with the stars behind it. It was hard to see the stars in the city, but tonight he could see a couple. He suddenly wished he knew the constellations. He thought it would be cool and comforting in some way to look up at the night sky every night and to see the same stars. To know that the stars would be there, no matter what was happening down in your own life. He sighed and put his arm back down. He felt like crying. Tears burned behind his eyes. He sat up and buried his face in his arm, trying his hardest to keep the tears from spilling.

“Raph?”

Raph whipped around. He saw Leo with a pitying expression on his face. God, he hated to be pitied. “Christ, read the room, Leo. I need space,” he barked.

Leo put his hands up in mock surrender. “I was just coming to check on you.”

“I don’t need you to check on me,” Raph said bitterly. He turned away from his brother. To his surprise, Leo sat next to him. Raph was prepared to yell at him, but Leo didn’t say anything, so Raph let him sit.

They sat in silence for a minute. Raph usually hated silence, but he was grateful for it in the moment. The moon was big tonight. He didn’t get a lot of time to look at the moon, he was realizing. Most of the time he spent out of the sewers was in battle. He found this fact depressing. He loved fighting villains and he loved helping to save the world every day, but he sometimes wished that he and his brothers could have a normal life.

“You ever wish we weren’t… turtles?” he asked softly.

Leo sighed. “I mean, yeah. Often, I guess.”

“Like, imagine!” Raph started. “If we were normal teenagers right now. Donnie would do amazing at school! He’s like, the smartest guy on earth probably. I bet Donnie would grow up to be mega successful. Like Jeff Bezos, but like, not evil!” Leo chuckled. “And Mikey? I swear, he would have so many friends. Like, he’s so funny and genuine, how could anyone not like him? I bet he would get into some trouble at school, though. He likes pranks and stuff like that, not to mention he has the attention span on a pea.” Leo chuckled again. “And, you? You have the best of both worlds, man,” Raph finally turned to Leo again. “You’re smart and funny and you love helping everyone. You’d be 100 percent popular if not a little teachers-pet-y, don’t you think? I mean it would just be so awesome, I-”

“What about you?” Leo asked.

“Huh?” Raph questioned.

“You said things about all of us, but what about you?”

Raph was quiet for a moment. He hadn’t really thought about it. “I mean, I don’t know,” he mumbled quietly. “I’m kinda a screw up, you know?”

Leo raised his eyebrows. “I don’t think so.”

“Oh, don’t flatter me, Leo. I’m being serious.”

“So was I,” Leo said.

“Hmpf,” Raph pouted.

“What gives you the idea you’re a screw up?”

“Jesus, don’t play dumb with me.” He was starting to get angry. Why was Leo acting clueless?

“I’m not! I just-”

Raph cut him off. “Why are you here right now? Because I did something so cool and great that I had to leave the lair to sulk in my awesomeness for a while?” He said sarcastically.

“Raph, everyone screws up sometimes. That doesn’t just make them screw ups,” Leo said sternly.

“You’re one to talk!” Raph said, verging on yelling. “You never do anything wrong, ever! Not to Splinter at least. I could single handedly save the world and Splinter would still look at me like I’m some sort of monster. You can do anything you want and you’ll still be perfect in his eyes.”

Leo softened. “Raph, I’m sorry. I know that it seems that way-”

“Seems that way?” Raph scoffed. “How could you deny it?”

Leo sighed. He looked at Raph. “Raph, I want you to know that I see you. And I understand. I see how you work to keep us safe, and I see that you worry about us even out of combat, and I…” he trailed off, worried he was sounding too mushy, but when he looked over at Raph, he looked genuinely touched. And maybe Leo was making it up, but he thought it seemed like he might cry. He looked down at his hands and began talking again. “I guess I wanted to thank you,” he said. “I have been so overwhelmed, not just recently, but throughout my whole career as the leader. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed that I just wish I could just run back to the lair and hide in my bedroom and never fight again, you know? But then I look over at you and you… you just have this look in your eye like you would do anything to keep me and Donnie and Mikey safe, and it gives me the motivation to be like you.” He stopped talking for a second. He hadn’t meant to pour his heart out like that, but if there was ever a time to do it. “I really look up to you. I really do. And it hurts to see you down on yourself like this- to beat yourself up. Raph, you made a mistake, sure. Hell, you made a pretty bad one. But that doesn’t change who you are as a person. You’re not a monster, Raph. You never have been. Nothing you could do would make you a monster. You’ll always be the brother that makes sure we don’t get hurt, the brother that is the best at Mario Kart, the brother that has a weird phobia of cockroaches, the brother that always finishes the dinner Mikey makes for us, even if it's gross. Do you get it? Raph, you’ll always be the bother that I can look up to. Always.”

Before Leo could even look back up at Raph, he had thrown himself at him, wrapping him in a big hug. “Thank you,” he whispered. “Thank you, Leo.”

Leo was caught off guard for a moment, Raph was never the one to hug first. But he quickly snapped out of it and hugged his brother back. “Raph, we all love you. No matter what you do, or what Splinter says.”

Raph's voice was breaking, he was teared up. “I love you guys too. I… I really needed to hear that. Holy fuck,” he laughed shakily. “How do you always know what to say?”

Leo chuckled also. “I don’t. I’m just making things up off the top of my head. I just said what I wanted to.”

Raph pulled away and looked at Leo with a small smile on his face. “Thank you,” he said. “Again. I think… I think you kinda saved some part of me, you know?”

Leo pulled Raph into another quick hug. “I’m here for you, Raph. Always.”

“Everything’s gonna be okay, huh?” Raph said. “I forget that sometimes.”

Leo chuckled. “And if everything is ever not okay, just come talk to me. I got you.”

“Love you, bro,” Raph said, softly.

Leo smiled with surprise. “I love you too. I really do.”