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“How do you get a guy to think you’re kewl…?”
“I’m asking for a friend… who’s also a girl.”
There he was, sitting his round and rotund ass in the center of a group of girls.
Cartman was in his dinosaur PJs with his man tits jutting out of his clothes like Kim Kardashian’s ass in Marylin Monroe’s dress. He had a pink bow clipped to the yellow rim of his turquoise hat.
“Who the fuck let you in?” Nelly snapped.
“I did… he looked cold..” Heidi sighed, pupils dilated and shit.
“Cold? Cartman has enough blubber to last a cannibalistic Eskimo family six months in the blistering cold. What do you mean fuckin cold?”
“Hey, I don’t have blubber, I’m big boned!”
“Alright, enough, get out, Cartman,” Wendy sighed, pointing at the door.
“But Weeendy, I wanna know how to make a guy think I’m keeeewl…” Cartman whined.
Wendy face palmed. “Fine… get him a gift I guess.”
“Yeah, like show him a super special talent you have!” Heidi chimed in.
“Dress nice, wear cologne.” Nelly deadpanned.
Cartman looked at Red expectantly. She had her eyes glued to her phone, she looked up but only for a moment.
“… I don’t know, impress him?”
Cartman looked at Bebe.
She smiled with pity.
“Just be yourself,” Bebe choked out, she looked like she was going to burst out laughing at any moment.
[South Park transition strum]
Kyle was sitting on a bench in the courtyard of South Park elementary peacefully reading a book when this hobbling goblin of a fat ass walked up to him, cockroach in hand.
“Hey Kiel, I got you this cockroach, it kinda reminded me of yeeewww…”
Cartman handed Kyle a partially crushed cockroach. Yellow bits of its insides stuck out of it like cottage cheese.
Kyle scowled. He held the roach by the very tip of its antennae. He looked back at Cartman incredulously.
Cartman frowned.
“Say ‘thank you’, dumb bitch.”
Kyle threw the cockroach at Cartman but missed and then got up from where he was sitting to walk away when…
“Wait… what did the girls say again, oh yeah…”
“Hey KALE! Check out this cool thing I can do!”
Cartman folded his fingers into a knot. It kinda looked like a swastika.
Kyle just stood there with his mouth agape.
.
.
.
“Kahl?” Cartman poked Kyle and he fell over like a solid log.
“Hmmm… maybe I’ll try again later.”
[South Park transition strum]
The next day…
There’s a cut to Cartman in his bathroom, trying to remember what the girls said next…
“…It was… dress nice, wear… cologne,” Cartman muttered to himself in the mirror, combing his hair back.
Cartman went back to his closet and dug through layers of clothes looking for the one he’s been saving for his one true love.
When he finally had his hands on it, he breathed in its beautiful stench. Never in his life has he smelled such majesty.
He put it on and rushed back to the bathroom.
“I don’t have cologne but this will do.”
Cartman grabbed a can of Axe body spray and sprayed his armpits, wrists, neck, behind his ears, he lowered his can of Axe… and sprayed his balls (It burned), then behind his knees, and finally, between each of his encrusted toes.
“Hmm…” Cartman made a cartoon-like hmm face and then proceeded to gas himself with Axe.
“That should be enough.”
Cartman paused. He lowered the can again and sprayed his balls one last time, wincing from the pain.
“Ok now that’s… hmm..”
One more spritz on his balls.
Then he walked out the door ready to face Kyle.
[South Park transition strum]
As Cartman approached the bus stop, he could see that Kyle was already there with Stan and Kenny. When he saw Cartman, a goofy smile formed on his face.
‘A loving smile :)’ Cartman thought as he came closer.
But then Kyle violently vomited on him.
Could it really be true love??
“Dude, what the fuck are you wearing?” Stan pinched his nose before dry heaving.
Cartman looked disappointed.
“I’m a wizard, you guys.”
“Not the fucking outfit!—I’ll get to that in a second—that fucking rank ass cologne!! How much did you spray??!”
Cartman leaned over and sniffed his balls.
He took his Axe back out and sprayed them again.
Kyle and Stan buried their faces in their shirts, coughing and gagging from beneath them.
“Cartman, what the FUCK?” Kyle coughed, eyes watering.
Cartman tried to come closer to Kyle again but Kyle gagged and bitch slapped him.
Cartman did that thing that toddlers do where he just paused for a moment before bursting into tears. Cartman dramatically ran home with his humongous man tits flapping in the wind.
.
.
.
“Eric, what are you doing here? You need to be at school.”
“I don’t wanna be at skewl anymaw, meem.”
“Eric, you have to go to school!”
“NO MYAW, IM HAVING A BAD DAY!” Cartman dragon shouted.
Cartman’s mom immediately turned right out of the room.
When Cartman was certain he was alone, he locked his door and took his laptop under the blanket with him.
“What did the girls say again?”
“Impress Kyle?”
…
“I’ll impress him alright.”
Cartman went straight to nationalguard.com and furiously typed out a contact form and enlisted Kyle in the military.
Now all he had to do was have Kyle come with him but he knew he had to do it by force and well, it wouldn’t be an impressment otherwise.
He waited until nightfall to take Kyle to bootcamp, and he trekked through his yard with a Kyle sized (and shaped) sack looking for him.
“Kyeeeellll….” He whispered.
All of the sudden he heard a nasty bark!
“Aw shit.”
He made it into Stan’s yard instead.
Sparky bounded over and completely mauled him, tearing off all of his clothes except for his goofy goober undies.
Cartman’s titties sagged sadly.
He did a walk of shame over the fence to Kyle’s yard.
When he made it to Kyle’s yard, the sprinkler system was on, completely soaking Cartman’s undies and making him super cold.
He didn’t like soggy undies so he took them off and flung them somewhere in the bushes.
Cartman positioned himself near Kyle’s window and plunged his hand into his ass and painstakingly pulled out a ladder.
He breathed a sigh of relief when he fully pulled it out. (Kinda like “phew”)
He then climbed the ladder and pried open Kyle’s window with a crowbar (that he also pulled out of his ass, literally)
He crept into Kyle’s room and stood over him on the edge of his bed.
Kyle opened his eyes, sleep paralyzed, hyperventilating as a naked Eric Cartman stepped onto his bed and pulled a Kyle sized (and Kyle shaped) bag over his head before he could even start screaming.
Kyle was deployed for 6 months over sea in the Korean Demilitarized Zone.
When he came back I’m afraid, he wasn’t the same.
“Kale?”
“KAHYL!!!”
They must’ve really traumatized his little papusa because the only thing he could muster was a barely audible “Shut the fuck up, fat ass.”
Cartman was elated to hear his voice again.
“Kahl?” Cartman’s eyes sparkled.
Cartman leaned in for a smooch but Kyle, even in his disheveled shape, gave him a clean bitch slap to the face.
Cartman cried.
What could he do to make Kyle love him?
.
.
.
What could he do to make Kyle love him?
Just then the legendary wizard had a brilliant plan.
He had to create a love potion so strong, so utterly potent and putrid that it could charm even his ever so lovely and fiery ginger elven prince with just one drop.
So first he got a jar from Daiso, then he added a scoop of sugar, sweet just like his prince, then he added the cockroach that kinda looked like his prince, then he added a spritz of Axe (He lowered his can of Axe… and spritzed his balls again), he put the jar on the ground and kinda waggled his eyebrows before taking an iconic leisurely piss in it, then he gripped his balls and ripped out a tumble weed of pubes that floated down into the jar, he looked down at his toe nails and they were crusty enough to make your toes curl, he hastily clipped his crusty musty ass toe nails and added them to the jar, then he added a teaspoon of vanilla extract, some shampoo, body wash, toothpaste, hemorrhoid cream, fuckin birth control, and finally he took a step back to look at his creation. He put his hands together, spit on them and rubbed them, then put his hands over the bowl and let the mucus drop into it, he spat in it a second time for good measure.
He had to stir it but in order to lock in the spell it had to be something magical…
Cartman gasped. The stick of truth.
[South Park transition strum]
He went to Stark's pond and cast a spell using his ass (he farted hehe) and the pond PARTED just for him. He walked down the center of the pond and picked up a stick caked in the loam.
“Hello, old friend.”
When Cartman came home he stirred the jar with the stick like a witches cauldron—a wizard’s cauldron even, while chanting an ancient spell as old as time.
“Wehehehe, wehehehe, wehehehe….”
Suddenly, the potion glowed a bright neon pink and sparkled like diamond, it gave off pastel pink penis particles… no wait they’re actually hearts! And it smelled of roses and sour candy.
“Woahhh…” Cartman marveled at its beauty.
[South Park transition strum]
The next day at school, Cartman spotted Kyle on the playground.
He was sitting cross legged eating a salami sandwich on the playground stairs.
Cartman needed to get Kyle away from his sandwich for just a moment so he could add a delicate dollop of his special pink ultra gay penis elixir.
He needed a distraction.
Cartman glanced around at the ground for random pills to take but found a conveniently placed rock instead.
The perfect distraction.
He tried to launch the rock past Kyle but hit him directly in the middle of his forehead.
Kyle had to pick the rock out of his forehead and looked around for his assailant.
While Kyle looked around, Cartman snuck through in the shadows, shit out a small spoon, and used the spoon to make a perfect butter-like dollop of love potion.
He closed the sandwich with a squish and snuck away.
Kyle gave up looking for who threw the rock and sat back down and then took a ferocious bite of his sandwich.
What a hungry little bastard. Look at him.
Eating his sammy.
It only took a couple seconds to kick in as Kyle slowly started drooling.
Then he started foaming at the mouth and started violently convulsing and fuckin dying.
Stan saw and yelled “Oh my god, they killed Kyle!” and called the paramedics.
[South Park transition strum]
Kyle was sprawled across his hospital cot in a deep, deep coma.
He was surrounded on all sides by his friends and family.
“Kyle, if you can hear me, you were my best friend in the whole wide world!” Stan teared up.
Something about Stan brought everyone else to tears too.
Everyone gathered around to tell Kyle something that maybe, just maybe in his deep state of inertia he’d be able to hear.
.
.
.
Once they had said their goodbyes and left, a repetitive resounding thud came towards Kyle’s hospital room.
A bounding fat ass with his tongue sticking out like a dog burst through the door and slid next to Kyle’s cot.
“KAHL! KYALE!”
“Do you love me now?” Cartman poked Kyle on his cheek.
He got a text from one of his bitches on Snapchat.
He was at 8%.
“Hmmmnm…”
Cartman unplugged something from behind Kyle’s cot and plugged in his phone.
Kyle flatlined.
Then exploded.
Blood everywhere.
And guts.
The End.