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Sirius was not going to fuck it up again, he promised that to himself the moment he heard steps coming from behind him while he stargazed at the astronomy tower.
He had been sleeping everywhere but his dorm for over two weeks, he avoided the marauders like his life depended on it until that night. He was staring at his own star, twinkling in the sky without a care in the world, millions of light years away while he wilted on earth when the steps got his attention.
“Fuck” Sirius whispers annoyed, thinking he got caught by Flich and is about to face detention but when he turns around Remus is there, map on one hand, wand on the other while casting Lumos.
Sirius feels his lungs stop working while he stares at him, he looks tired, he looks sad…he looks annoyed.
“Come to the room Sirius” it’s all Remus said to him.
Sirius was ecstatic, Remus was always so kind to everyone of course he would be kind to him too; even after he fucked it up.
James and Peter were reluctant to talk to him until Remus spoke again.
“The silence is beyond uncomfortable, just chatter like before, give me that normalcy back before I go fucking mad”
Remus wanted him back! Sirius was not going to mess this up again, he was going to make it right this time. He was going to show Remus he was worth of his trust again…and maybe they will be able to love each other again.
Sirius was so blinded by happiness he forgot a very important fact of Remus John Lupin.
No one.
And by that he means NO ONE.
Holds a grudge like Remus
It was hard to pick up at first, but then he noticed, Remus sometimes would look at him like it pained him, he would stop talking when Sirius joined the group, and when Sirius talked he spaced out.
Sirius understood though, if this is what Remus needed to heal Sirius could take it, he’s dealt with worse than a bit of silence.
But it wasn’t a bit of silence no…it was disgust, Remus looked at him with disgust and that was something that hurt, Remus who used to look at him like he was the star he was named after now looked at him like he was a roach in his space.
Before Sirius destroyed everything, Remus liked him back, the way he would look at him, they way they would bicker…they would kiss when no one was watching, now? now Sirius wants to ask to sleep somewhere else.
But no, Remus is giving him a chance and he will make the most of it, he can take it.
“A party?” Remus asks.
“Yeah! the girls are organizing it so we HAVE to go mate” Peter says.
“You’re just saying that cause you want to snog Madison” Remus chuckles.
“Hey! piss off ok she just…I really like her” Peter says with a slight tint to his cheeks.
Sirius wants to comment on it, he wants to tease and support wormtail, but if he speaks Remus’s mood will be ruined so he doesn’t say anything.
“Pete and Madison, sitting on a tree” James starts and Remus laughs.
“Oh Piss off!” Peter hauls a pillow at James “how OLD are you?”
“Bodily? 17, but mentally? I never made it past 11” James says.
“Oh trust me prongs, we know” Remus jokes “yeah a party sounds great”
Party! that’s it! Sirius will just doll himself up, his looks have to be the only good thing to come out of his godforsaken genes, he knows he is beautiful. he knows that Remus at least used to think he was beautiful, so maybe if he can get himself to look pretty, he will get Remus’ attention in a good way.
Not only that but before that when he dolled himself up Remus would compliment him, if he can get him to do it again it would make his week.
So Sirius starts early, he takes a shower, fixes his hair up nice and pretty, a half up half down bun will do, he puts on his favorite red crop top and skinny jeans, then puts his signature leather jacket on.
Makeup is next, he’s been called very colorful words before when he’s used it, but he doesn’t care, it makes him feel beautiful and his friends always agreed.
Marlene taught him how to do it on fifth year and now on his seventh year he’s an expert at it, since he’s going with all his favorite things, he does his favorite look. A smoky black look with his curled lashes and eyeliner.
That’s his favorite part, it had been the first thing he learned to do, and on the days he couldn’t master it and the girls were busy it was Remus who did it for him, his and his perfect pulse to hold the pen perfectly still.
He looks at himself on the mirror and can’t help but smile, he definitely missed doing this, and he feels extra pretty considering he did all of this with Remus in mind, the process took him hours but Merlin it was worth it.
When he steps into the room James and Peter aren’t there, just Remus on his bed wearing one of his signature jumpers on top of a white shirt and his blue jeans.
He looks breathtaking as always, and it’s kinda perfect that it’s just the two of them, Sirius wants to ask for feedback on how he looks…ok that’s a lie he wants Remus to tell him he looks pretty but that’s for him to know.
With his heart hammering on his chest Sirius speaks “Hey Rem…what do you think?” Sirius asks as casually as his nerves will let him.
Remus looks at him and Sirius doesn’t see the disgust he saw before, Remus actually takes him in this time he lets out a sigh and nods slightly, like he’s getting himself ready to say something “I think…”
“You look just like your mother”
…
…
“Oh” Sirius says
That…
…
Hurt.
Sirius blinks rapidly feeling the tears sting his eyes, but he refuses to let them spill, what right does he have to cry? Remus would never say this to anyone so clearly this is Sirius’ doing, he forced Remus to be this cruel so he deserves it.
“All right lets get pissed tonight!” James exclaims while entering the room.
Sirius takes the opportunity of the distraction to get out of the room, he makes it downstairs and grabs the first red cup he finds and downs it, feeling relief when he sees it refill itself, Mary would sometimes charm the cups like this, the cups would refill for those who needed it, and Merlin he can’t be sober right now.
One drink quickly becomes five, soon its ten, and in a blink Sirius can’t think, he must’ve sat down at some point because he’s huddled up on a corner seat, he’s nice and hidden away, curled up on himself nursing on the water that has replaced his fire whiskey, the spell must’ve noted he has had enough.
Which is bullshit if he may say so himself, if it was up to him, he would drink himself into a comma.
———
“Oh he’s pissed” Mary says.
“Mm?” Remus hums and looks up, he was busy braiding Lily’s hair when Mary said that, he follows her gaze and lands on Sirius, curled up a chair on the corner next to a bookshelf, tucked away from the world.
Remus was hurt and angry, he still was, obviously, but he wanted some normalcy back, so he decided to give Sirius a second chance…is just hard to ignore his pain, when he looks at Sirius he can only think about the betrayal he put him through, the fear he had when he saw Snape right before he transformed and then the uncertainty of whether or not Sirius made him a murderer.
But the anger and hurt are dissolving, every time Sirius talks, laughs, enters a room, breathes, Remus is a weak man and every day his anger subsides, but he doesn’t want it to, he wants to hammer it in Sirius’ thick skull that what he did cannot repeat itself.
He thought he was doing a good job, until Sirius walked in looking like the gods themselves put him on this earth, he was ethereal from head to toe, his hair, his outfit, his tattoos, his beautiful flawless skin Remus wanted nothing more than bite it, and his eyes…Merlin his eyes.
Sirius had done his makeup, the black eye shadow, the curled lashes and his sharp eyeliner, Remus felt his mouth get flooded with saliva, he was about to comment nonchalantly that Sirius looked good, but then he asked.
“What do you think?”
He was clearly fishing for a reaction, or a compliment, and feeding his ego was not something Remus wanted to do at the moment, so he searched his brain, for something to say that would show he’s hurt but nothing too extreme.
His stupid brain clearly missed the nothing too extreme part because before he could stop himself he was speaking, and Merlin what he said was cruel.
He regretted it the second it left his mouth, he knew how much of a monster Walburga Black is, he’s seen the aftermath of her punishments, the cruel patterns on Sirius skin…and he compared his beauty to her.
“Oh”
That sound.
Remus is sure that sound will hunt his nightmares for the rest of his life, and what came after was not any better, the way Sirius’ shoulder dropped, the way he turned his head away from Remus and started blinking rapidly…the way he fled the room.
Remus should’ve chased after him, should’ve stopped him from reaching for the fire whiskey, they should’ve talked.
But they didn’t.
And now Sirius is pissed out of his mind, curled up on a hidden corner, possibly letting his thoughts eat him alive.
“I’m gonna go put him to bed” Marlene says but Sirius stands up by himself and tumbles over to the loo.
“Or not, Merlin all the fire whiskey, poor Sirius is about to puke his guts out” Marlene shakes her head.
Remus frowns “I’ll go check on him”
He makes it to the loo and sees Sirius, he’s rinsing his mouth so he probably did puke, Remus is about to call for him when he sees Sirius rub his eyes, Sirius never touches his eyes when he does his makeup.
“I’m not gonna flush all my hard work just because I got an itchy eye”
He’s probably so drunk he forgot he’s wearing his makeup, or so Remus blissfully thought for a moment, because next he hears a sob rip itself out of Sirius and it becomes clear, he’s not rubbing his eyes, he’s trying to take his makeup off.
His cries become erratic as he rather aggressively yanks his hair out of it’s styled look, Remus can see the strands he pulled out, the faucet runs as Sirius scrubs his face with bruising force.
“Sirius!” Remus calls and gets inside to stop him.
“No! don’t touch me!” Sirius cries, he’s too drunk and too emotional to recognize it’s Remus, he’s trying to move away but Remus holds his wrists before he pulls him into his chest.
Sirius fights him for a moment, he keeps crying and tries pulling himself away, but thanks to the fact he’s pissed his strength is nonexistent.
The alcohol must’ve gotten comfortable in him because his body gives up, Remus feels Sirius going down and he catches him, he picks him up and cradles his head.
Remus carefully makes his way out of the loo and up the stairs before they make it to the dorm and he lays Sirius down on his bed.
He looks calm when he’s asleep, but his smudged makeup and tear stained face ruin that look of calm.
He did this.
Remus goes to Sirius’ trunk and gets a cloth and a hairbrush, he soaks up the cloth with warm water and goes back to the sleeping man, with a taste of blood in his mouth from the guilt Remus starts cleaning Sirius’ eyes then sits him up and rests him against his chest so he can brush his hair.
“Moony? You ok mate the girls said you…oh” Peter says.
“He was drinking a lot, is he ok?” James asks
“No” Remus says.
“Oh did he puke?” Peter asks.
“Yeah, I found him on the bathroom” Remus says, his eyes never leaving Sirius, with his face clean and his hair brushed he looks angelic, you wouldn’t be able to tell he had been crying, but Remus knows he was.
He takes off his jumper and puts it on Sirius before laying him down.
“Moony…is everything ok?” James asks.
“I’m a monster” Remus says.
The thing is…Remus doesn’t know why he said that, he never wants to be cruel, he never wants the stereotypes he’s surrounded by to be true, so he goes out of his way to make sure he’s not aggressive or cruel, because that’s what people expect from werewolves, he’s gone to great extends to be the opposite and yet, he knew how to hurt Sirius and did it.
“Moony of course you’re not!” Peter says appalled “did Sirius say something to you?”
“No, I said something to him” Remus says.
“Moony whatever you said I’m sure he pissed you off enough to say it, you’re still working on forgiving him he can’t just run his mouth like befo-” James gets interrupted by Remus.
“I told him he looked just like his mother” Remus says “he got all pretty for me and I…” he knew Sirius got himself fixed up for him, it was painfully obvious, Remus shakes his head “You didn’t see the look in his eyes James, I wanted to take it back as soon as I said it but the damage was done, the way he…I saw the hurt in his eyes” he turns towards his friends “I know what his mother has put him through and I still said that…only a monster could do that”
“No…no Moony you’re not a monster you…mate you’re still healing” Peter says.
“Doesn’t give me the right to tear him down…Merlin he probably thinks he deserved it too, I know how his stupid mind works” Remus says while getting into bed with Sirius.
He flicks the curtains shut before any of his friends can get another word in, he watches Sirius as he sleeps the scene on the bathroom repeating itself on a loop in his head as he softly rubs Sirius’ cheek with his thumb.
A few hours later Sirius lets out a soft groan and his eyes start fluttering open.
“Easy, easy” Remus whispers while sitting up with him and conjuring some water.
Sirius drinks it, still disoriented before he groans “fuck…my head” he rubs the spot where he yanked his hair free from the bun.
“Think you need to go to Poppy?” Remus asks quietly.
Sirius shakes his head and now seems to register Remus is there with him “Oh Merlin I’m sorry did I get in bed with you?”
“No I got in bed with you” Remus says “You were having a pretty bad meltdown in the loo so I brought you up, wanted to stay with you for when you got up”
“Thanks Remus, I’ll go to my bed now” Sirius says.
“I’m sorry” Remus says.
Sirius freezes and looks at Remus, tilting his head to look at Remus from where they’re laying down, Remus can see actual pure confusion on his face “For what?”
For what…Remus knew this was gonna happen, he knew Sirius believed he deserved the cruel words of course he did.
“For comparing you to your mother, that was wrong of me” Remus apologizes.
“Oh…that yeah umm” Sirius clears his throat “Don’t worry, I barely thought about it”
“Don’t do that, I’m allowed to be angry but not cruel, I shouldn’t have said that” Remus says firmly.
Sirius nods, he knows that once Remus gets something in his head it’s impossible to change his mind
“You looked very pretty tonight Sirius” Remus says.
Sirius shakes his head “don’t do that” he echoes Remus in a whisper.
“Do what?” Remus asks, switching his tone to a whisper to match Sirius.
“Don’t say that just because you feel bad for what you said” Sirius whispers
“It’s not that, I mean it Sirius, you looked godsend, the brightest star in the sky” Remus whispers, gently nuzzling Sirius.
Sirius sniffles, and hides his face in Remus’ chest, he lets him, Remus stays awake while Sirius slowly drifts asleep in his arm, he thinks about the next few weeks, months, years, he’s uncertain about a lot of things, like passing his upcoming N.E.W.T’s or his graduation, what job he’s going to get, he would like to open a bookshop if possible, attending James’ professional quidditch games since he is sure he will make it to pro with how he’s doing, there’s no way of knowing what will and will not happen, but Remus is absolutely sure about one thing.
Sirius is by his side in every single scenario he can think of.