Chapter Text
Lily was eleven when it happened.
One of her front teeth had grown a bit sideways, leaving an adorable gap in the middle of her smile, and she didn’t know how to handle her rebellious, curly hair yet; her mother still chose her clothes, and her older sister Petunia had just started to explain to her the concept behind bras (that weren’t much more than a small undershirt, yet) when she was cut off by that delicate, intimate world she had barely been introduced to.
Because of the cut, she’d started to subconsciously distance herself- not from girls, but from the ‘feminine’.
Dislike for hot pink and wobbly hand-drawn hearts, high-pitched laughter and giggling whispers, swooshing skirts and sandals with bows.
Lily, like most young girls in her situation, didn’t know why exactly this happened, or what she would gain from it.
She spent recess playing with the boys, refused to wear dresses and skirts, and, when she grew older, any revealing item of clothing.
When she got her first crush, she refused to talk about it to anyone, because ‘crushes were for girls’.
When she bled for the first time, she did it alone.
Lily was eleven, red hair splayed over the grass in her backyard, when her best friend, probably-surely meaning it as a compliment, turned to her and said, his smile sweet and voice tender,
“It’s so easy to talk to you, Lily. You’re not like other girls.”
Lily smiled, not knowing what it meant.
But it was a good thing, wasn’t it?
A few months later, Lily and her best friend parted ways: different middle schools, and the natural flow of things.
They didn’t talk anymore, but the wound was still there, and although Lily’s attitude changed overtime, it still bled, unbeknownst to her.
It would perhaps be unfair to put all the blame on him: they were both kids, and Lily herself probably didn’t even remember that afternoon on the grass, but the damage had been done, and Lily had to take care of it, sooner or later.
~
“Lils, you’ll never believe what I found!”
Lily looked up from her depressing lunch (courtesy of the school canteen) to see Marlene, her beloved best friend, standing with a proud smile next to the ‘what’ in question: a six-foot tall boy that Lily was quite sure was a new student.
He had sandy, messily chopped hair (Lily could recognise when someone cut their own hair with kitchen scissors, thanks to Marlene), light scars over his face and a wool sweater.
Yeah, he certainly was a new kid.
“Hi,” the boy waved, a bit awkwardly.
He was holding a paper bag, probably containing a half-eaten lunch.
“Hi. I’m Lily,” she smiled, making space for him and Marlene on the bench next to her. “Marls, did you kidnap him or something? He looks like a scared puppy,” she noticed, taking a bite of the mystery meatloaf on her plate.
“He was eating his lunch by himself so I told him to sit with us!” Marlene explained, taking out an apple from her bag.
Marlene never had lunch during lunch break, she had lunch over the whole school day, eating something during every class.
That was why she found tests annoying, they interrupted her never ending meal.
“I’m Remus, by the way. Remus Lupin,” Lily shook his hand, intrigued by his accent.
“You’re very handsome, Remus Lupin. Is it your first day at Hogwarts?”
“Yeah. I moved here from Wales last week and I’ve been postponing this day ever since,” he sighed, looking around the tables.
“Are you the shy type?” Lily asked.
The canteen was full, and loud, and she would’ve found it overwhelming, too, hadn’t she spent most lunch breaks there for the past three years.
“Not shy, it’s just hard to fit in now,” Remus explained, taking a bite out of his sandwich. “I mean, I don’t know anyone, and school started two months ago: all the cliques have already formed.”
Lily understood what he meant: she’d gone to the prestigious Hogwarts instead of the public school most people from her area (her sister, for example) had gone to, so she’d had to leave all her middle school friends behind.
Thank God she’d met Marlene, who’d decided to adopt her just like she’d just done with Remus.
“You can be part of our clique, if you’d like,” Marlene smiled, proud. Remus raised an eyebrow, playful. “I’ll have to know more about the members of this clique, then.”
“Oh, sure, dear sir,” Marlene stuck her chest out, pompous, “I’m Marlene McKinnon, the girls’ volleyball team’s libero. Most people around here don’t like me because I’m loud, a lesbian, and dress weird,” she pointed to her ragged clothes and bleached hair.
Marlene had always stood out from the crowd, and Lily admired her a lot for that: no matter the insults she received from other students and teachers, she’d always stayed true to herself.
“And I have the tendency to be mean to people. Not the ones who look lost and alone during lunch, though,” she elbowed him playfully.
“I hate sports, I like reading, and this feels a lot like one of those embarrassing interviews teachers make us do on the first day of school,” Lily noted.
“Because you make it sound so boring!” Marlene complained. She turned to Remus. “My best friend here is an absolute monster in chemistry. She’s won competitions and her name is on a plaque in the Hall of Fame, and if anyone in here is destined to do great things, it’s her.”
Lily blushed.
“In short, I’m a nerd.”
“Lily!” Marlene protested.
“You’re embarrassing me!” she laughed.
“So, you’re the quiet, smart one?” Remus summed up.
“Don’t let her fool you,” Marlene's voice fell to a conspiratorial whisper. “She looks all sweet and kind, but she threw hands at a boy for talking shit behind my back in second year.”
“Please, you’d have done the same,” Lily smiled.
“You could’ve been expelled!”
“Let’s move on,” Lily interrupted her, “So, what do you say, Remus? Are we worthy of your friendship?”
“After a long pondering,” Remus began, “I’ve come to the conclusion that I’d gladly spend my spare time with you.”
Marlene shook his hand ceremoniously. “May our souls be forever tied, then.”
What an idiot, she was.
She was Lily’s favourite person in the world.
“Do you need a background check of the people around here, Lupin?” Marlene smirked. “Lily and I have known some of these fuckers for years, haven’t we?”
“Against my will, but yes, we have,” Lily smiled. “Ask away, Remus.”
He hummed, scanning the crowded room with his brown eyes.
“Oh, what about those guys?” he asked, pointing towards the table closest to the door. “They’re a strange mix.”
“Yeah, they are,” Marlene sighed, annoyance dripping from her voice, so transparent it made Lily snort.
“They’re the twins, Pandora and Evan Rosier, then there’s Barty Crouch Jr,” Lily paused for dramatic effect, glancing at Marlene. “…And Dorcas Meadowes.”
“Ugh.”
“Do we not like Dorcas Meadowes?” Remus asked, curious.
“Nah, she’s cool,” Lily said as Marlene scoffed, “Marls just hates her because she has a crush on her.”
“That’s not true!” Marlene screeched, while Remus parted his lips in a small ‘o’.
Marlene turned to him, flushed.
“She's also on the volleyball team. She’s a opposite hitter, and she hates me-“
“She doesn’t hate you-“
“She barely acknowledges me on the court! She doesn’t talk to me, or even look my way!”
“Maybe,” Lily tried, “And just maybe, she’s shy. Dorcas doesn’t even cheer when the team scores, Marls. I think she’s just…reserved.”
“She does look like she has a resting bitch face. If that’s the case, it’s not really her fault,” Remus shrugged.
“Let’s move on,” Marlene shook her hand, annoyed.
“Barty Crouch and Evan Rosier. You’ll never see one without the other,” she continued. “The first one is a literal waste of excellent grey matter. Crouch has had the best grades since he was a first year: he skips almost every class, sleeps during the ones he attends, but has never had a missing assignment or a failing grade. If you feel in the mood to get scammed, you can ask him to do your homework: he’ll make you pay a shit ton of money, but it’ll be perfect.”
“You forgot something,” Lily added, crowding closer, “He doesn’t even need the money: he’s a rich kid, his father sponsors our football team. His grades aren’t bought, though, he really is that smart.”
“And a criminal, like Evan Rosier,” Marlene interjected. “He sells weed in the bathrooms, and I think he also broke into the principal’s office once, to practice some good old vandalism.”
“You sound like you admire him, Marls,” Remus pointed out.
“Oh, please, they’re both assholes,” Marlene laughed, “But they do spice things up a bit. Pandora Rosier, on the other hand, is an absolute sweetheart.”
“The blonde girl with the flower clips, then,” Remus replied, squinting at the table.
“She’s in the pottery club. And the music club. And the chess club-she’s in a lot of clubs,” Lily concluded. “Everyone knows Pandora, and everyone likes her, even the teachers. If her brother hasn’t been expelled yet, it’s because of her.”
“And who’s the one approaching them?” Remus asked, nodding towards the fifth and last member of the small group, tiredly walking through the door and flopping next to Pandora, who patted his back.
“Regulus Black,” Marlene hissed.
Remus had chosen the worst group to start this silly ‘guess who’ game, Lily thought.
“Do we not like Regulus Black, either?”
“We do like Regulus Black,” Marlene began, and Lily got ready to put up with the inevitable soliloquy about the boy’s incredible reflexes and physical abilities.
Jocks drove Lily insane.
“He’s the best libero the boys’ team has ever seen,'' Marlene began as predicted, “If he’s on court, the ball won’t touch the ground, it’s a guarantee. All hitters and middle blockers from schools nearby know and despise him, and our setters can be assured that the ball will end up perfectly in their hands. I’ve seen him save a ball with his foot once, it was insane. In middle school he played as a setter, and you can see it from his technique because it’s out of this world, but he didn’t grow much in height so he started playing as a libero.”
“And you shoot daggers at him because…?” Remus asked.
“He’s on a whole different level!” Marlene complained, taking a frustrated bite out of her apple. “I want to be as good as he is.”
“You can do your job just as well, Marls. I think he wouldn’t mind training with you, if you asked,” Lily said, playing with her meatloaf. She decided that, for her own safety, she was not going to finish it. “We’re friends with his brother, after all.”
“Then I’d have to go up to him and ask, and he’s always with Meadowes-“
“Here we go again,” Lily sighed.
“Wait, wait a second,” Remus interrupted the two girls, pointing towards the door, looking starstruck. “Who’s that?”
Lily turned to see the football team making its entrance in the canteen along with the cheerleaders, a flowing river of red and gold jerseys.
Because this was not a shitty American movie, no, their coming didn’t make everyone turn their heads in admiration, and no one fainted.
Aside from Remus, apparently, who was watching them with an entranced expression, which made Lily and Marlene chuckle.
“Who do you think he’s talking about?” Lily asked her, “MacDonald or Vance?”
“Why stop at the girls? My money is on your Potter,” Marlene smirked.
“Ouch.”
“I’m talking about that one with long hair,” Remus clarified, eyes glued to the boy who had stopped at the table near the door.
He and Pandora were talking, probably about Regulus, who was still catatonic. It was hard to keep perfect grades and an impeccable sports performance, Lily supposed.
“He’s gorgeous. I need him.”
“You like boys?” Lily asked.
“I have a weak spot for hot people,” Remus shrugged.
“It’s like I have a radar, or something. The queers just come to me!” Marlene exclaimed, then threw a long, pointed look at Lily (straight, cisgender woman) before adding, “He’s Sirius Black. Regulus’ brother, and a friend of ours. Are you breathing okay, Remus?”
“Yes. Perfectly well. What do we know about him?”
“Straight to the point,” Lily replied, trying not to think about Marlene’s comment from earlier. “Football star with an addiction to nicotine kept well hidden from his coach. He’s actually an old soul, likes old rock music, big motorbikes, and early 2000’s animation movies. His favourite people are his brother, Regulus, his other brother, James Potter, and his best friend Peter Pettigrew.”
“And,” Marlene added, “He does like boys, so you might have a chance. Oh, he's looking this way.”
Marlene waved at him, and Lily smiled, but Sirius’ attention was quickly diverted towards Remus, who held his gaze for barely a second before focusing on his sandwich. Sirius bumped into a first year while trying to walk to the table with the others, and when he finally came to destination, he patted Potter’s back and began whispering in his ear, not taking his eyes off Remus.
“I’m quite sure you do have a chance,” Lily snickered. “This is going to be quick.”
“He’s sending Potter,” Marlene sing-sang, and Lily felt her cheeks heat up.
You see, Lily had fucked up enourmously, exponentially bad.
James had spent the better part of the year before courting her: he’d sent flowers, notes, roses, made public declarations of love and in general made a fool of himself trying to take her out on a date, but she’d refused each time.
At the time, Lily wanted nothing to do with him: James Potter was full of himself, strutting around school like it belonged to him, he was spoiled and just so different from her, how was it supposed to work?
And then, he moved on.
He stopped showing up at her locker begging for her love, sending kisses in her direction when he scored during matches, or writing hearts with her initials in his notebook instead of taking notes during class.
He’d gone up to her, one day, and apologised for acting like an obnoxious child all year and not accepting ‘no’ as an answer, and he swore he wanted to be her friend, and nothing more.
At first, Lily was surprised.
Pleased, but mostly surprised.
After a few weeks, James Potter started hanging out with Mary MacDonald, the cheer captain, and it wasn’t long before the rumours started spreading. They did make for an incredible couple: both popular, sporty, beautiful-they were perfect together.
And Lily seethed with anger because she realised she had lost a boy who could treat her right, a boy that she’d realised she liked a lot, to Mary-fucking-MacDonald. Good luck taking him back from the arms of the most adored girl in school.
“Hi Marls,” James came to their table, smiling.“Lily.”
She gave him a smile, resisting the urge to slam her head on the table.
“Jamie,” Marlene greeted, “How’s Sirius? He looks a bit freaked out.”
“Yeah, about that…” James chuckled.
“I’m James. Potter.” He held out his hand to Remus, who shook it. “Remus Lupin.”
“New kid?”
“New kid.”
“Cool. I like your scars. You’re quite tall, Remus, aren’t you?” James asked.
“Six-foot four of frail bone,” Remus answered, making James laugh.
God, his laugh.
“Can you run fast?”
“Are you trying to recruit him for the football team?” Marlene asked, impressed. “You’ve just met him and you already want him to be part of your cult.”
“I have my priorities,” James replied, “And for your information, Pete is in the cult, and he’s in the marching band. You all could be part of it, too, if you wanted.”
“I’ll pass, sorry,” Lily refused.
“Yeah, ‘Marauders’ is a lame name for a cult,” Marlene agreed. “And I bet you spend your meetings kicking your feet and twirling your hair talking about football tactics.”
“I’m sorry to disappoint,” Remus intervened, “But I have a bad smoking habit and poor health. Wouldn’t be of much help on the pitch.”
“Well, I tried,” James shamelessly lied, running a hand through his dark hair, then his eyes lit up. “You know what? My best mate over there smokes like a pack a day, so smoking wouldn’t necessarily be a problem. He’s my best player, too. Maybe he could convince you to try out for the team.”
Lily hid her snort with a fake cough, while Marlene covered her smile with a hand, bending to the side.
Smooth, Potter.
“Which one is your best friend, the handsome one?” Remus asked with feign innocence, and this time it took Lily a conscious effort to refrain from laughing her ass off.
Remus’ pointer finger was unabashedly addressing Sirius, who was throwing not-so-furtive glances to their table every couple of seconds, MacDonald giggling next to him.
“No, I’m the handsome one,” James clarified, but he looked pleased. “I was talking about Sirius Black, the one with the black hair-“
“And the blue eyes,” Remus nodded, casually.
“They’re actually grey, if you see them from up close,” James corrected him, with a somewhat malicious tone.
Those two were going to be friends, whether Remus became part of the team or not, Lily realised.
“I’ll think about it.”
“Amazing. We have practice until four today, feel free to stick around and have a look,” James smiled.
“Are you done stealing our new kid, Potter?” Lily asked, tilting her head to the side.
“He’s already mine, Evans,” he replied, confident, “But I need to steal you for a second, actually.”
And there they were, the butterflies in her stomach.
“You know Mary, right?”
The butterflies were now drowning in bile.
“MacDonald?” she asked, because everyone knew Mary MacDonald, cheer captain and school heartthrob, if James felt the need to ask he must’ve been thinking of another Mary-
“Yeah, her,” he smiled, so bright it made Lily’s heart drop. “She’s just started to take Slughorn’s chemistry classes and she’s a bit lost, and I was wondering if you could maybe tutor her? If you don’t mind, of course.”
Lily could feel Marlene vibrating with laughter. What a delightful lunch break she’d been having.
Lily plastered the fakest of her smiles on her lips. “Sure thing.”
“You’re amazing. I’ll give you her number, so you can make plans,” James pulled out his phone.
“Yay,” Lily cheered without much fervour, doing the same.
James had saved Mary’s contact with a ‘<3’, and it made her want to die.
She attempted a quick glance over James’ shoulder, but Mary was pointedly not looking at them.
Did she even care that her boyfriend had to get her a tutor? She could’ve asked herself, put her dignity on the line for once. Lily would’ve found it so much easier to tell Mary no, and she would’ve rejoiced in watching her pout and walk away disappointed.
“James, do you know what happened to Regulus?” Marlene asked, serious again.
“Something’s happened to him?” James asked, immediately worried, turning towards the younger boy’s table.
James loved Sirius more than anything in the world, and Sirius loved Regulus an insane amount, so for some unspoken law of friendship, James also cared about Regulus as if he was his own brother. Lily took it as further proof of how genuinely good James was, and yet again felt the need to slam her head on the shitty meatloaf on her plate.
“I don’t know, he looks pretty tired,” Marlene shrugged. “He has to be in good shape for the tournament. Tell him to take it easy, or something.”
“Are you worried solely about his performance?” Remus asked, confused.
“She’d get along with him just right, if she had the balls to speak to him,” James was still looking at the black-haired boy, who currently had two plastic trays and a water bottle stacked on top of his head, courtesy of Crouch and Rosier.
“I’ll check up on him, although I think Sirius has already talked to him. It was a pleasure, guys. I’ll see you at practice,” he said to Remus with a wink, and walked away.
“How are we feeling, Lils?” Marlene mocked.
Lily’s eyes went back to Mary MacDonald, who was still ignoring her.
Maybe if she glared hard enough, she’d turn, or an apple would hit her on the head, if the Universe allowed it.
Lily had Mary’s number, but Mary didn’t have hers.
She could simply not text her: that way, she didn’t have to tutor her crush’s bimbo girlfriend, and if James asked her about it, she could just say that she’d forgotten, and make up an excuse to avoid the torture.
The last thing she needed was to spend an afternoon (or, God forbid, multiple afternoons) trying to explain chemical bonds or the atomic structure to a girl who’d rather stay on her phone for hours looking for outfit inspiration on Pinterest.
Mary finally looked at her, her dark eyes catching Lily’s hostile glare.
She smiled. Small but confident.
She just couldn’t take the hint.
Lily scoffed, getting up to finally throw away the mangled meatloaf, stomping her feet towards the closest bin.
“So…Do we not like Mary MacDonald?” Remus asked.
~
Hey, this is Lily Evans.
James told me you needed help with chemistry?
hiii!! ty for texting me, and yes i’m in desperate need of a tutor :(
You can come over to my house and tell me what you need to revise specifically.
When are you free?
…i can’t come over today bc i have practice, but would tomorrow be okay w u?
Sure. See you tomorrow.
see ya! thx again, you’re a lifesaver <33