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It took Rodney a moment to realize what woke him up before his senses finally caught up and launched him into full awareness with a jolt of adrenaline. John was flailing and screaming next to him. He reached over and shook John’s shoulder.
“John. John wake up.”
Nothing happened, so Rodney shook a little harder.
“John! It’s just a dream.”
Suddenly his eyes shot open and Rodney felt a split second of relief before a hand grabbed at his throat and pinned him to the bed. Ronon had been on the other side of Rodney watching silently, but in a flash he was up and grabbing John’s arm with one hand and wrapping the other around his chest, wrestling him to the bed. Rodney could only watch in shock as Ronon used all his strength to hold John against his body, pinning his kicking legs down with his own. He was talking lowly into John’s ear, but the man seemed to take no notice of Ronon and was screaming about… Kolya? There was no way he had heard that correctly, right? Then Teyla was there too, pressing a soft hand to John’s pale, sweaty cheek.
“John, you are safe. Kolya’s not here. It’s Teyla, and Ronon is holding you so you don’t hurt anyone. Rodney’s here too.” She shot him a look and Rodney forced himself out of his useless staring.
“Y-yeah, what she said. We’re in Teyla’s room and there’s nobody else here. You’re safe.”
John’s eyes were wide with fear and kept scanning the room, but the three just kept taking turns murmuring reassurances until John finally went boneless and quit struggling against Ronon’s hold.
“Teyla?” He mumbled after a moment, blinking blearily up at her.
Her face broke into a relieved smile.
“Yes John, its me.”
She bent to press their foreheads together and John went to meet her halfway before realizing that he couldn’t sit up. Ronon immediately released his grip, but John looked back at him in confusion, and then at Rodney who was still sat off to his side eyes wide with a mix of shock and relief.
“What happened?” He asked.
“You were having a night terror and I tried to wake you up, but then you… tried to strangle me?” Rodney replied tentatively.
“What?!” John sat straight up and stared at Rodney, who nodded. He looked at Teyla. “Really? Did I actually…?”
She nodded at the same time Ronon spoke.
“That’s why I was holding you. I had to pull you off of him.”
John sagged like a marionette whose strings had been cut.
“Christ, Rondey. I’m so sorry. I’d never hurt you on purpose, you gotta believe me.”
“I know. I mean, I think you owe me a date night of my choice for that, but I forgive you.”
Instead of acknowledging the poor attempt at levity like Rodney had hoped, John just sighed and tried to swing his legs over the edge of the bed.
“I should go.”
“Are you insane?” Rodney’s hand grabbed John’s wrist before he was even aware he was doing it. “You just had a night terror and a flashback and you think we’re going to leave you alone? Hate to break it to you Colonel, but you’re stuck with us whether you like it or not.”
Their eyes met and Rodney’s heart broke at the conflicted series of emotions clearly fighting across John’s face, but he didn’t let go or look away. He stared back unblinking. The man needed to get it through his head that he didn’t have to suffer in silence, that he had people who loved and supported him no matter what. After a tense silence, John nodded and flopped back down into the bed between Ronon and Rodney, who both laid down with him. Instead of returning to her position behind Rodney, Teyla sat between the tangle of their legs, rubbing soft circles on John’s knee.
“I don’t mean to pry, but I think we should talk about what just happened. We haven’t seen Kolya in a long time, so what caused you to dream about him now?” Teyla asked, voice soft.
John tensed and Ronon curled around his back like he was shielding him from the world, and Rodney held his hands between their bodies.
“Talking helps.” Said Ronon.
“I-I never told you what the Sekkari made me see, what they… did to me.” He started, voice barely above a whisper. “It took the shape of Kolya and his men. Told me that he killed the scientists and that it was my fault. He also – he had two men hold me and cut off my hand so he’d get my IDC. It was so… real. My hand was gone and it hurt like a motherfucker and I thought I was going to die. At the end I was hanging off a cliff with one hand and was just about to let go before it finally admitted that none of it was real. I was going to let go. I was ready to kill myself right then and there.” John squeezed his eyes shut in an effort to stave off the tears that were threatening to overflow.
Rodney wanted to be sick and one glance at Ronon’s face made it clear that they were both feeling the same rage at the being they had helped. He didn’t turn to Teyla, but he knew she was feeling the exact same way. They said nothing, just held John as he tried to calm down.
“I just keep seeing the machete coming at me when I close my eyes and keep feeling this excruciating pain in my arm. I fall asleep and I watch Parrish and Kiang get murdered in front of me, and then I relive Kolya cutting my hand off. Over and over and over again." He paused. "But, you know what the worst part is? You wanna know what it said at the end? It said, and I quote: ‘You torture yourself every day, John. But in this case, it was your mind manifesting your darkest fears. You were the architect of your own self-deception.’ I did it to myself. What does that say about me? How could you guys still want me knowing I’m this fucked up?”
“You’re not fucked up. At least not any more than the rest of us.”
“There’s nothing wrong with you. Twice now your darkest fears have been about not being able to save people, so you know what that says about you? It says that you are a kind, caring man who wants to keep people safe. You wake up every day and choose to be a protector, even though you didn’t have anyone to protect you. You choose to be good. You just need to choose to love yourself too.”
As Teyla finished, John gave up and let the tears flow. Even Rodney could feel his eyes watering. She was right and had said it better than he or Ronon ever could.
“You taught me what it meant to not be alone anymore. You need to realize that you’re not alone anymore either.”
“Ronon’s right, John. We are your family now, and you need to learn how to let people help you.” Rodney added quietly.
John nodded and pressed his face into Rodney’s chest, crying softly. Their hands were now wedged at a weird angle between their bodies, but there was no way in hell he was about to let go. Ronon slid over a bit so he could still be pressed tight behind John, and Teyla kept her hands on his legs.
“We’re here and we’re not going anywhere.” Ronon stated firmly, and Rodney pressed a kiss into John’s hair.
“Listen to Chewie.”
He let out an indignant noise when Teyla reached over and flicked him, but Rodney thought that maybe, just maybe, he felt John smile against his chest.