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Radar’s ma had always said Christmas was the busiest season. Of course she also said that about spring, on account of all the animals being born, and summer because of all the looking after the new animals needed, and autumn because that’s when she’d try and get him and Uncle Ed working on fixing things up around the farm before winter rolled in. Radar guessed there was a lot more work that went into running the farm that he didn’t even know about yet, and probably wouldn’t until he got back home to help out in person instead of just sending home half of his crummy paycheck (plus whatever else he could manage to ship back in as many pieces as it took to get past the army customs department).
In Korea there weren’t any animals that needed looking after other than the ones he kept in his little hutches out back of the office, and there wasn’t any farm to fix up that was safe to go near, but there still was Christmas. There might not have been a whole lot of decorations or gifts to wrap or food to cook, and there was sure a whole lot more wounded people than there would ever be back at the farm, but things got busier all the same, especially in Radar’s corner of the camp, because Radar’s corner of the camp was where the phone was.
“Sorry sir,” said Radar, as BJ pushed open the door, “I’m still waiting for Sparky to get through to Mill Valley, the line’s real bad for the whole west coast right now.”
BJ made a face like he was trying not to be mad about it, even though this was the fifth time he’d come to check on his call. Radar felt pretty sympathetic towards him about it - it was easy to do that with a guy like BJ normally, but this time Radar felt extra sympathetic on account of the fact that whatever was knocking out BJ’s call home also kept knocking out Radar’s calls home and he’d been trying all week.
Radar appreciated the effort to not be mad at him about it though. Not everyone was that accommodating when it came to Christmas phone calls.
As though summoned by Radar’s uncharitable thoughts, Major Winchester came through the opposite doors, white coat flapping behind him.
“Thanks Radar,” said BJ. ”Just, as soon as-”
“As soon as I get through I’ll come get you sir, you’ll go front of the line.”
“Aha, excuse me,” said Charles, “I couldn’t help but overhear-”
“Some would say that’s the function of eavesdropping,” said BJ, giving Radar a nod on his way out.
Radar gave him a nod back, because it always seemed like the thing to do when a guy nodded at you.
“In this twice-blasted place how would one know anything without eavesdropping?” said Charles. “Without such a ruse I would never have discovered Hunnicut, cutting in line.”
“Oh he’s not cutting in line sir,” said Radar. “Captain Hunnicut was supposed to have his call this morning but we couldn’t get the call through on account of cloud cover in the Rockies, or maybe a down line in Honolulu, Sparky’s not sure.”
“If he can’t get his call through then put mine through,” said Charles. “Though the Iowa education system may be somewhat… lacking compared to the private institutions I attended in my youth, I assume you were at least given enough education in order to understand that Boston is on the eastern coast.”
“I know that sir,” said Radar. “But Major Houlihan’s next.”
“Major Houlihan is still in post-op,” said Charles. “I’m sure you have more than enough time to put through a quick call for me while Margaret finishes up her paperwork.”
Radar couldn’t see her coming through the little windows in the doors through to post-op, but he could feel it. It was like the air-pressure change of an in-coming storm, sort of. Different than incoming wounded, which felt like a sound at the base of his skull, and different again to knowing what people were about to ask, which was less like a feeling and more just from knowing them with a little bit of an echo to it, like how he knew what tools to pass uncle Ed before uncle Ed asked for them.
“Oh I don’t think I will, sir,” said Radar, and turned quickly to the phone to start winding it up for Major Houlihan’s call.
“You listen to me you little-”
The door to post-op banged open, letting through an already-annoyed Major Houlihan. Radar wound the phone faster.
“ Major Winchester -”
“Hello Margaret,” said Charles quickly, “Why, I was just inquiring about our calls-”
“ Our calls?” said Maragret. “Oh no, I know for a fact that my call is next. Your call is tomorrow .”
“Tomorrow,” said Charles, “but Margaret, you can hardly expect me to wait to make my call with the enlisted men-”
“Heya Radar, ” said Sparky, his voice crackling down the line, calm as ever. “ What can I do ya for?”
“Hey, Sparky, hi, listen, can you get through to the Tokyo officer’s club? The one I asked you to track down yesterday. We’re looking for a Colonel Houlihan-”
“Colonel Alvin Houlihan,” said Margaret.
“ Colonel Alvin Houlihan ,” said Sparky, “ got it, give me a minute .”
Radar eyed the rapid increase in colour of Charles’ face. “Uh. Sure.” He held the phone away from his ear slightly. “Sparky’s just getting the call through now Major Houlihan sir, we made sure to do a test yesterday on account of how important it is that the call work.”
“Thank you Corporal,” said Margaret. She shot Charles a pointed look. “I’m glad that some people around here are still keeping to a professional standard in the face of the holidays.”
“Margaret please,” said Charles.
Margaret folded her arms over her chest.
“My family is expecting to hear from me-”
“ Everyone’s family is expecting to hear from them Charles, it’s Christmas eve,” snapped Margaret.
“ Got ‘em ,” said Sparky. “ Give me a sec to transfer you, but watch the dials, there’s some movement going on that keeps throwing the system out of whack .”
“Got it,” said Radar.
“Is that him?” said Margaret, pushing past Charles (he very wisely stepped back).
“Not yet ma’am, Sparky’s just putting me through now,” said Radar. “He said the call might cut out on account of the shelling in between us and Tokyo is making phone calls go screwy- Uh, I mean, it’s making calls cut out.”
“I understand, just hurry up,” said Margaret.
“I’m waiting as fast as I can ma’am.” There was the tell-tale click on the other end, the warped sound of a phone ringing. “Wow, Sparky wasn’t kidding about the-”
“ Hello, Tokyo Military Officer’s Club, ” said a warbling but still very pretty voice, “this is Corporal Stephanie Myers speaking, how can I direct your call ?”
“Hi, I’m looking for a Colonel Houlihan?” said Radar. “This is the 4077th MASH where his Major daughter is. He’s supposed to be waiting for a call? Uh, for Christmas?”
“ Hold please .”
“Well?” said Margaret.
“She said to hold please, ma’am,” said Radar.
The dial underneath the phone jumped, a spike of static interrupting the call. Radar quickly twisted the dial, the sound on the other end of the line weakening and then getting stronger. He let out a breath of relief. Major Winchester being mad about his call being tomorrow was one thing, but losing one of Major Houlihan’s calls was definitely another.
“ Colonel Houlihan will be with you in just a moment ,” said the pretty voice.
“Thank you ma’am.” Radar held the phone out to Margaret. “He’s just coming now Major Houlihan, ma’am, he should be on in a second.”
“Thank you,” said Margaret.
She took the phone, which unfortunately meant Radar had to step away from the safety of the corner where the phone was and towards the danger of Major Winchester.
“Uh-”
“Daddy!” said Margaret excitedly, her expression brightening immediately. “How are you? Merry Christmas- Yes sir! Yes sir, I am, absolutely!”
Radar eyed the dials, leaning around Margaret to flick a switch back and forth to try and keep the levels steady. It seemed to kind of work, but he couldn’t tell unless he was on the call and Major Houlihan probably wouldn’t have liked that too much. Charles grabbed his shoulder, pulling him away from the phone. Margaret continued her call, her voice slowly increasing in volume.
“Corporal O’Reilly, I really must insist that my position in this line be moved,” said Charles. “It’s absolutely ridiculous that I have been placed so low on the list, I’m a Major.”
“I know that sir, but Colonel Potter said to do the calls first come first serve and he’s a Colonel, Major,” said Radar.
“A mere oversight on his part I’m sure,” said Charles.
“I don’t think so sir,” said Radar.
He got another feeling, on the back of his neck this time, and braced for the sound of a slamming door. A heartbeat later the doors hit the wall, making the building rattle as Klinger swept in, bringing with him cold wind from outside and a cup of coffee from the mess hall.
“Just the way you like it,” said Klinger, presenting the cup to Radar with a flourish but somehow not managing to spill any of it on his wool dress. “Nine and a half sugars.”
“Good lord,” muttered Charles.
“Gee, thanks Klinger,” said Radar.
“Mind if I stick around?” said Klinger. He tilted his head to look up at Charles. “I’m after Major Houlihan you know.”
“A corporal before a major ?” said Charles.
“Colonel Potter said first come first serve!” said Radar. “Besides, Klinger was supposed to get his call yesterday but we couldn’t get it through.”
“And although I am incredibly sympathetic to Klinger’s bad luck, I do think it should put him to the end of the line instead of in front of me ,” said Charles.
“Oh I don’t think so sir,” said Radar.
“Oh, well, if you don’t think so,” said Charles. “I’m sure that if we took this matter to Colonel Potter-”
“Radar!” said Margaret. “The call dropped out!”
“I’m sorry ma’am,” said Radar.
He eyed the dials. No wonder, Sparky hadn’t been wrong about that shelling. They’d be lucky if they got any calls out today at all, which didn’t bode well for him.
“Well get it back!”
“I’ll try ma’am,” said Radar.
Boy, his arm was sure going to hurt tomorrow from winding the phone all the way up. It was hard to say if it did any good half the time.
“My father was right in the middle of telling me about his holiday plans,” said Margaret. “I don’t want him to think I hung up on him!”
“I’m sure he doesn’t think that ma’am- Oh, hey again Sparky.”
“ Call cut out on ya, huh?”
“Yeah, can you patch us back through?”
Sparky clicked his tongue, which meant it was a big ask, maybe even an impossible one.
“Oh boy, is the shelling that bad?”
“I’m surprised you’re making this call to be honest ,” said Sparky. “ Word is it’s like a hornet’s nest between you and me right now .”
“Oh geez,” said Radar. He eyed Margaret’s expression. “Could you just try, please? It’s for a Major.”
“ Well ,” said Sparky, drawing the word out. “ Seeing as its Christmas .”
“Thanks Sparky.” He glanced at Margaret. “He’s going to try again Major Houlihan sir but we might not be able to make another call just yet on account of the shelling.”
Margaret huffed a breath. “I appreciate you trying Corporal.” She gave Charles a look. “Myself and my father being military personnel, we understand that sometimes during war we must make sacrifices.”
“I certainly didn’t agree to that,” said Charles.
“Me either,” said Klinger. “Does this mean you won’t be able to put my call through?”
“I dunno, maybe,” said Radar. “Sometimes when it gets bad like this they want me to wait a couple hours between calls, for security.”
“I don’t think anyone’s going to be tapping into the Toledo line,” said Klinger. “Well, no one from Korea anyway.”
“Oh hello,” said Father Mulcahey, poking his head through the door. “Is Colonel Potter in his office? I was discussing my sermon notes with him the other day and I think I might have left them on his desk.”
“He’s in there Father, go right on in,” said Radar.
“I suppose you’re also waiting for your call Father,” said Charles, “ahead of me no doubt.”
“No, no, I asked to be last in line,” said Father Mulcahey, as serene in the face of Major Winchester as ever. “I believe my call is scheduled for the day after Christmas day. My sister tends to be quite busy on the day of, so I don’t mind going last.” He paused. “But I believe Sergeant Zale mentioned he was heading this way. Something about having his call after Klinger.”
Radar wished his desk was in a better position to hide behind it.
“I should be ahead of you,” said Zale.
“Over my dead body,” said Klinger.
“If that’s how you feel I’d be happy to arrange it,” said Zale, rolling up his sleeves.
“ Outside ,”said Margaret.
“Oh no,” said Klinger. “The second I take my eye off Major Winchester here he’s going to steal my spot.”
“Klinger I would never besmirch my honour in such a way.” Charles paused. “However, if perhaps you were willing to trade scheduled phone call allotments…”
“And have Zale call home before I do? Not on your life,” said Klinger.
“Hey, yeah,” said Zale, “no cuts!”
“ I’m still trying Radar, but it’s not looking like I’m gonna be able to get through ,” said Sparky. “ How bad’s the weather going to be in your office there ?”
“Stormy,” said Radar.
“Ah, so this is where the party is,” said Hawkeye.
“Forget it Pierce,” said Charles. “If there’s an earlier place in line it’s mine .”
Hawkeye held up his hands, opening a filing cabinet at random and poking around. Charles looked away, back to where Zale and Klinger were arguing, and Hawkeye gave Radar a nod. Radar gave him a nod back, because he was a lot like BJ in that it felt like it was the sort of thing you should do when a guy gave you a nod, and also because Hawkeye wasn’t actually on the list he’d made for Colonel Potter at all, because he’d been there for the traffic jam of holiday phone calls last year and had sent his dad a postcard three months ago that said to expect a holiday call from him sometime in mid-March. Radar kind of appreciated that it was Hawkeye’s way of helping him out, even if it wasn’t helping him out right in this moment.
But he was still hoping to get a call through today. Everybody was.
Charles fixed Hawkeye with a withering look. "Pierce, can we be frank?"
"I don't think anyone being Frank in here would help the situation," said Hawkeye, not looking up from where he was leaning against the filing cabinets and pretending to read blank requisition forms for jeep parts.
“I am sure that you have made some prior arrangement in regards to holiday calls home,” said Charles. “And I insist that you include me in said arrangements.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about Charles,” said Hawkeye.
“Radar!” said Kellye. “Is it our turn yet?”
Radar’s stomach twisted. He’d kind of been hoping he wouldn’t have trouble with Nurse Kellye and Nurse Ginger’s calls, because they’d been nice enough to share a spot since their families were spending Christmas in the same place.
“Sorry,” said Radar. “We’re still on Major Houlihan, and also I don’t know that we’d be able to get through to Hawaii on account of the whole west coast being unavailable.”
“Everybody’s got plans for Christmas,” said Hawkeye. “The entire western United States are getting together for dinner out on the town.”
“Maybe we should have had your folks go to Louisiana instead,” said Ginger.
“Next year,” said Kellye.
“I hope we don’t need the call next year,” said Ginger.
“Here here!” said Hawkeye, banging on the filing cabinet.
“ Heya Radar ,” said Sparky. “ Bad news, I Corps wants us off the line, no personal calls until they stop the troops for the Christmas truce.”
“But it’s already Christmas!” said Radar.
“ Must be some last-minute war before the holidays ,” said Sparky. “ When I get the all-clear I’ll start putting them through. ”
Radar sighed. “Thanks Sparky. And- Merry Christmas I guess.”
“ Merry I guess to you too O’Reilly. ”
“Well?” said Margaret.
“Sorry ma’am,” said Radar. “I Corps said no more calls until the Christmas truce.”
“They must need the line for party planning,” said Hawkeye.
BJ opened the door, doing a double take at the amount of people crammed into the room. “I thought it seemed awful quiet out today.”
“Gang’s all here but the phone line’s out,” said Hawkeye.
BJ’s face immediately became tinged with concern. “The phone’s out ?”
“Not out- out,” said Radar, “Just out for the afternoon, probably. Sorry sir, I know how much you wanted to talk to Mrs Hunnicut to wish her a merry Christmas and everything.”
BJ let out a long breath. “It’s okay Radar.”
“Forget suburbia,” said Charles. “If I don’t get a simple taste of civility-”
“You’ll melt like the wicked witch of the west?” said Hawkeye.
“I don’t know why you got such a bee in your bonnet Major,” said Zale. “Your call ain’t even until tomorrow.”
“But it shouldn’t be,” said Charles. “I should be next and I should certainly be before you .”
Everyone, apparently, took offence to this, and began yelling. Radar let out a long breath, and hung up the phone. He eyed the door behind Kellye and Ginger. He could probably sneak out, with the phone out of operation it wasn’t like he was needed in the office right this second, and they might even have some lukewarm food left in the mess.
“Alright!” said Colonel Potter, pushing open the doors of his office. “What in tarnation is going on out here?”
Everyone tried to answer at once, with increasing volume. Colonel Potter held up his hands, quieting the group. Radar assumed this was something you learnt how to do in Colonel school.
“Radar,” said Potter. “The simplified version please.”
“Well, uh, it was Major Houlihan’s turn for the phone sir, because she signed up real early to the list that you asked me to get from everyone about phone calls home, but when she was in the middle of her call the phone cut out because of the shelling.”
“I thought they called a truce?” said Potter.
“It’s not until later tonight, sir,” said Radar.
“I see,” said Potter. “And what about the rest of them? I can’t imagine Major Houlihan needs this much help making a phone call.”
“They’re waiting for their turn on the phone sir,” said Radar.
“I’m next,” said Klinger.
“Like hell you are,” muttered Zale.
“I didn’t even get to finish my call,” said Margaret.
Colonel Potter fixed the group with a stare. “I made that list to stop exactly this kind of tomfoolery. If you can’t wait for your turn like good boys and girls then you won’t get on the horn at all, do I make myself clear?”
“That’s easy for you to say Colonel,” said Charles. “You already had you time on the phone- ah ha, what I meant to say is-”
“Out,” said Potter. “All of you, out.”
“Wait,” said Klinger, “who’s next?”
“Major Houlihan’s next, she’ll get two minutes to finish up her call, the rest of you get five,” said Potter. “ After we get the all clear from I Corps.” When no one moved, he added. “You all have things to be doing that ain’t crowding up my clerk’s office, now go!”
“Don’t call us, we’ll call you,” said Hawkeye.
There was a feeling at the base of Radar’s skull, a funny kind of pressure. He froze, tilting his head to feel the sound of it.
“Oh,” said Radar. “Choppers. Choppers! Incoming wounded!”
The sound got louder, enough so that everybody else could hear it too.
“Santa’s delivery is early this year,” said Hawkeye.
“I don’t think I had wounded on my list,” said BJ.
Radar kept an ear out for the phone as he rushed between pre-op and the OR, the mess tent and the OR, Potter’s office and the OR, the latrines and the OR, the supply tent and the OR. He knew things were quieting down when they started sending him between post-op and the OR.
Hawkeye sat down heavily next to BJ in the scrub room, tipping his head back against the wall. Everyone looked about as tired as Radar felt.
BJ cracked one eye open. “No phone yet Radar?”
“I don’t think so sir,” said Radar. “I’ll go check.”
BJ waved a hand, the movement slow, like it was going through water. “Just put me on the list for tomorrow.”
“Yessir,” said Radar. “Everybody who missed out today is top of the list for tomorrow.”
“A perfect system,” said Hawkeye. “If this keeps up we’ll all get our calls through about a year after the end of the war.”
“If it’s okay with you Colonel Potter sir, I’m just going to check the phones and then go to bed sir,” said Radar.
“You go ahead son,” said Potter. “I might just do the same.”
“I think I’ll head over to the mess tent,” said Hawkeye, “see what culinary delights await.”
“I think they’re the same delights as yesterday,” said BJ.
Radar pushed out of the doors, heading for his office where it was quiet and dark, and his uncomfortable cot waited for him. After ten hours on his feet the creaking wood and scratchy blankets had a way of almost seeming inviting.
He glanced at the phone. It was quiet, sure, but he had the strangest feeling-
The phone rang.
Radar dived for it, his stiff hands fumbling with it for a moment before he answered the call. “Hi, uh- 4077th MASH, this is Corporal O’Reilly.”
“ Corporal O’Reilly ?” said his ma, his own, wonderful ma. “ Oh, you’re all grown up over there .”
He sat down heavily in the chair. “Ma? Is that you?”
“ Of course it’s me ,” said his ma. “ I had to call to wish you a merry Christmas Walter -”
There was a burst of sound on the other end of the line, his ma’s voice going muffled as she talked to someone, Uncle Ed, or maybe Mrs Lewis, since the Lewis’ were the closest neighbours who had a phone. Radar closed his eyes, listening hard, the tiny sounds in the background painting him a picture of the Lewis’ wooden hallway, the Lewis grandchildren thumping down the stairs to gather around the phone, his Uncle Ed leaning out of the doorway and Mr Lewis behind him, Mrs Lewis coming out of the kitchen, drying her hands on her apron. Even though he had to strain to hear it over the phone line, it was like having a little piece of home. He could picture his ma standing there in the hallway, the big blue phone pressed to her ear and Mrs Lewis’ grandchildren hanging off her skirts.
“Hey ma, merry Christmas, or- is it Christmas over there for you yet? I always get the time difference mixed up,” said Radar, his throat so dry he could barely get the words out.
“ It’s almost Christmas ,” said his ma. He could tell she was smiling. “ Just a few more hours to go, the call got through just at the right time .”
“It did?” said Radar. “Oh, hey, I guess it did for us too!”
“ Well there you go ,” said his ma. “Must be our lucky day . I had a feeling it would be. ”
Radar nodded. “You know, I kind of had a feeling too.”