Chapter Text
i had a dream the other night / about how we only live one life / woke me up right after two / stayed awake and stared at you / so i wouldn't lose my mind - something i need , onerepublic
iii.
(jamie’s nearly a year old when clarke’s in the midst of her first year as a resident, and she’s assigned to pediatrics for a month. she learns more about how to deal with ill small children, snotty and red-faced as they’re comforted by their worried parent.
wells, one of the upper level residents that’s in clarke’s team, meets them by the nurse’s desk of the children’s ward. he prepares them for their month in pediatrics by starting with, “children are a little bit harder to treat, especially around the toddler ages and they can’t talk. they won’t be able to tell you where the pain is or how exactly they feel, and it’s even worse when they won’t calm down or stay still when you need them to.” he pauses, a smile forming on his lips, “sometimes,” he adds, “they’re stubborn, too. they’ll be difficult when they’re supposed to be resting, or taking their medicine, and it’s up to you to make sure they have the best experience possible in a hospital, so they won’t grow up to hate it.”
it turns out, wells’ statement about kids being stubborn also extends to some adults, meaning lexa.
jamie’s on his playmat on the floor, stacking blocks on top of each other when he notices the blonde walk in through the front door, shrugging her jacket off before pulling her shoes off and he squeals in greeting. he’s ten months old, in his crawling stage, and jamie takes off in clarke’s direction, drool on his chin, dressed in his tigger onesie pyjamas.
“hi, little guy,” she coos before bending down to pick him up. jamie responds with a giggle, before planting an open mouthed kiss on her cheek. clarke uses her sleeve to wipe off her face before she asks, “why are you still up? where’s your mommy?”
“here,” a hoarse voice groans from the couch. clarke catches lexa sneezing on the couch, her eyes half-lidded and her nose bright red. “he won’t go to bed,” she says before coughing.
“you’re sick,” clarke states, her eyes a little wide. “why didn’t you call me?”
lexa blinks, trying to open her eyes a little more. “call you for what?”
“to tell me that you’re sick,” the blonde replies, sitting on the couch and shifting jamie’s weight on her lap. she places her palm on lexa’s forehead and sighs. “you have a fever.”
“no, i don't,” lexa croaks, swatting clarke’s hand away. “i’m fine. have you had dinner? i can make you something,” she leans on her elbows, trying to get up from the couch, but clarke pushes her back down on it gently.
“you’re sick, lexa,” she repeats. “go to bed, i’ll handle jamie for the rest of the night.”
the brunette shakes her head stubbornly, “i’m perfectly fine,” she says, before she stills, bringing her hand up to her face and sneezes. clarke tilts her head slightly and gives her a pointed look as lexa sniffles. “okay, maybe i’m a little sick, but you just came home from a thirteen hour shift. give me my son.”
“no,” clarke replies. “i told you, i got him for the rest of the night. you should get some rest.”
lexa sighs, surrendering, she lets out a disgruntled noise. she tries to lean over to give jamie a kiss on his forehead, but clarke stops her. “what?”
“are you trying to pass it on to him?”
she mumbles under her breath, before, “thanks, clarke.” she tickles jamie’s side, making him squirm in clarke’s arms. “goodnight, jay. i love you. be good for clarke.” and with that, she retreats to her room.
“your mommy’s so stubborn, jay,” clarke remarks, planting a soft kiss on his cheek.
.
clarke steals the baby monitor from lexa’s room and sets it down on her nightstand, and at around three in the morning, it crackles to life. she can hear jamie’s cries from down the hall, but the baby monitor offers a louder version that rouses her from her sleep and sends her trudging out of her room.
she’s bleary eyed as she walks into jamie’s room, the one that used to hold clarke’s treadmill and the rest of her crap that she hadn’t bothered to unpack. they painted its walls light green, set up his crib in one corner and his toys in another, and clarke had added the rocking chair she had bought from an antique store, just for lexa.
the child is already sitting up in his crib, his blanket thrown over the rail and resting on the floor. clarke clicks her tongue as she picks it up, before lifting him into her arms. he’s wailing at the top of his lungs, big tears running down on his face.
“it’s okay, jay,” clarke murmurs softly, rocking him. she sings the familiar tune that lexa had taught her, and jamie’s crying is reduced to sniffling within minutes. he rests his head on clarke’s shoulder, gripping her shirt in his tiny fist. the room is quiet, save for his deep breaths and the occasional squeaking of the light wood floors, and clarke nearly jumps when she sees a figure illuminated by jamie’s night light.
“you have to rub his back,” lexa croaks from the doorway, rubbing her eyes. she’s wearing a hoodie and two pairs of pyjama bottoms, and her unruly hair is pulled to one side over her shoulder.
“you scared me,” clarke whispers, but she does as she’s told. she rubs her hand on the child’s back, effectively sending him back to sleep.
“sorry,” lexa murmurs. she doesn’t move from where she stands, she only watches as clarke gently places her son back in his crib, pulling the blanket over him and adjusting his pillow.
clarke walks out of the room, leaving the door a little bit open. she asks, “why are you up?”
lexa shrugs, “i heard him cry. my body gets up even if i don’t want to.” she takes her bottom lip between her teeth, adding, “thank you, clarke.”
“don’t mention it,” clarke yawns. “did you take the tablets i left on your nightstand?” when lexa replies with a quiet nod, she brings her hand onto her forehead. lexa’s eyes close, humming at the cool sensation of clarke's skin. “you’re still a little warm. go back to bed.”
“will that be all, doc?”
clarke gives her a sleepy smile, “stay in bed. i called wells earlier, i’m not coming in tomorrow.”
“you don’t have to skip work, clarke, i’m getting better.”
“i know, but i want to. besides, who’s gonna make jamie food? certainly not you, you’re gonna contaminate it and get him sick, too.”
lexa rolls her eyes, but she grins. “thank you, clarke.”
“you said that already,” she pokes lexa’s side. “go sleep, you look like crap.”
“so do you,” she sings hoarsely, going back to her room and leaving the blonde chuckling quietly in the hallway.
.
clarke tosses and turns in her bed, her body is exhausted but her brain just won't seem to shut up. she hears lexa's occasional cough in her bed, and after half an hour of trying to sleep, she slips out of her room and quietly peeks in to check on her roommate.
the lamp beside the bed is lit, and under the blankets, she can see lexa’s eyes blink tiredly at her. “hey,” lexa whispers.
“can't sleep?” clarke whispers back, closing the door quietly behind her.
lexa burrows underneath her sheets and tells her, “i can't get comfortable, i’m cold.”
“underneath all of this?” clarke counts four blankets on top of lexa, and she laughs quietly. “i’d bring jamie in here to keep you warm but i don't want him to get sick.”
green eyes stare at her, and for a moment, lexa looks like she wants to say something but instead, she closes her eyes and presses her face against the pillow.
“what?”
“would you mind if,” lexa mumbles into the pillow. she clears her throat, continuing hesitantly, “do you want to sleep next to me?”
clarke answers with a nod, turns off the lamp and crawls into lexa’s bed. wordlessly, she presses her body against lexa’s, throwing an arm over her torso and letting the sick girl nuzzle her neck.
“better?”
lexa hums in response, sighing delightedly at her new source of warmth.
“can i ask you something?”
“yes, clarke?”
she lets silence take over for a moment, not quite sure how she should phrase the question, but she ends up blurting out, “what's the deal with jamie’s dad?”
“he.. doesn't have one,” is lexa’s curt reply.
“i know, i just,” clarke shrugs, closing her eyes. “i’m guessing you don't talk to him anymore.”
“jamie’s father left,” lexa whispers into clarke’s neck. “it was my ex-girlfriend’s fault.”
“you had an ex-girlfriend?” it makes clarke giddy, the piece of information itself somehow sends a jolt of electricity through her spine, making her much more aware of how close they are. her skin tingles where lexa’s breath lingers on it, where her hand rests on lexa’s waist, and suddenly she feels very awake.
“yes,” the brunette replies. she sighs before continuing, “costia was her name. we were together for four years, but i broke up with her.”
“why?”
“i fell out of love with her, she changed into someone else, not the costia i fell in love with at the start. she tried to get me back, she got so desperate.” lexa pauses, tapping clarke’s arm. “are you still awake?”
clarke hums, “then what happened?” she whispers in the dark.
lexa’s glad that she had turned off the lamp, otherwise clarke would see the slight blush that unexpectedly creeps up to her cheeks. “up to that point, i had never slept with a guy. i wanted to know what it was like. i slept with one of anya’s friends, i got pregnant.”
“which friend?”
“an old friend, you don't know him, clarke. he was supportive when i told him, he said he would help me raise the baby. then, costia found out. she got angry. i guess,” lexa pauses to clear her throat, “i guess all the love she had for me turned into hate at the idea of me moving on, and she decided she wanted to ruin the rest of my life. she convinced jamie’s father that i had lied to him, because i knew he was a good guy, that he would offer to help me. she told him that the baby wasn't his, that i was taking advantage of him.”
“she didn't,” clarke mumbles, pressing a soft kiss on lexa’s head.
“she did. jamie’s father left, my boss let me go because he wasn't interested in covering for my maternity leave, and i had to defer from my last year of my doctorate. i stayed with my uncle until i gave birth to jamie. he took care of us for a while.”
“what made you move out?”
“he died of a heart attack,” lexa replies quietly, and clarke’s stunned in silence, tightening her arms around her. “he left a little bit of money for jamie and i, but it wasn't enough. the house got repossessed, and then we moved in with you. you saved us from being homeless, clarke.”
they lay together in silence, and clarke’s not sure if lexa’s still awake when she asks, “is this the same uncle that you named jamie after?”
“his middle name, yes,” lexa murmurs, “james augustus woods.”
“no offense, but his name is really pretentious.”
lexa lets out a hoarse laugh, “i think it suits him.”
“that's because you named him.”
“what would you have named him, then?”
“jamie,” clarke smiles in the dark, “i can't imagine calling him anything else.”
“and his middle name?”
“cornelius.” she receives a light shove from lexa, “ow,” clarke says even though it doesn't hurt at all. “you don't like it?”
“yes, because james cornelius woods isn't a pretentious full name, too.”
“well, i think it's lovely, alexandria.”
she groans, “you're annoying. let me sleep.”)
.
jamie is oblivious to the sudden tension that settles between the three adults, since he's on a mission to eat all of his mac and cheese and get two desserts. he does stop when he notices that both his mom and clarke are staring at the lovely hostess, while the woman herself is gaping at lexa. “mommy,” he mutters, “cla— mama, what’s wrong?”
clarke knows exactly who this woman is, and she can see lexa’s quiet anger settling into steel in her green eyes, so she slips her hand on the table and takes lexa’s hand. “you know each other, sweetheart?”
costia looks at their joined hands, glancing between them. lexa locks eyes with clarke, a silent question of, “what the fuck are you doing?” before she finally catches on.
she nods once, keeping her eyes on clarke’s before she glances at the hostess. “this is costia, i’ve mentioned her before. costia, this is my.. um, clarke. i didn't know you worked here.”
“i see.” costia cuts her gaze to clarke, sending a death glare that contrasts the friendly smile she had been flashing only minutes ago. she regains her composure and clears her throat, “i own the place, actually.” she gives lexa a malicious smile, glancing around the table and her eyes landing on jamie who is curiously looking at her now. “and this must be the child.” she sneers, pushing her dark hair away from her forehead, “i’m surprised you haven't gotten rid of him, after he left.”
jamie looks at her, perplexed. he scoots closer to clarke, “mama..”
“costia,” lexa hisses, and she feels clarke’s hand tighten around hers.
“excuse me, but is that anyway to speak to your customers?”
“my apologies,” costia grins like she hadn't said anything, bringing her hand to her lips. “it was lovely to meet you, claire.”
“clarke,” lexa grits out.
“if there isn't anything else,” and with that, costia walks off, attending to other tables, leaving lexa silently fuming in her seat. she’s holding onto clarke’s hand like a lifeline, who's staring at her with concern written in her features.
“are you ready to go?” she asks, and jamie tugs on her arm.
“we haven't had dessert yet, cla— mama,” he says, furrowing his eyebrows. “we can't go yet.”
clarke smiles softly at what he had called her. “how about we buy a tub of ice cream and eat that at home instead? and brownies, too. we can put on a movie. that'll be much more fun.”
jamie casts a glance at his mother and takes note of her rigid posture. “mommy, are you okay?”
“i’m okay, jay,” lexa nods, plastering a slight smile to keep him from worrying. “ice cream and brownies, that sounds better than what they have here.”
he thinks it over for a second before he nods, and soon clarke is lifting him up into her arms. “i can walk, mama,” jamie says, but clarke doesn’t let him down. lexa leaves a few bills on the table, enough to cover what they had ordered, before clarke pulls her close and rests her hand on lexa’s waist as she leads them out of the restaurant.
the night is cool and they walk back to the car that’s just parked right across the street, letting the streetlights illuminate the way.
clarke straps jamie into his car seat, and she notices lexa standing next to her instead of getting in the car. she shuts jamie’s car door before she turns to her and says, “come here,” pulling lexa into a hug.
“i just,” lexa mumbles tearfully into her shoulder, “i never thought i’d see her again. she ruined my life, clarke.”
clarke rubs her back to soothe her, “i’m here, it's okay.” from where she’s standing, she can see the door of the restaurant opening and a woman walking out. costia stands there, watching them, no doubt glaring at them. “she's watching us.”
“what?”
“she's staring right at us, lexa.” clarke whispers. “we should go,” she says before kissing lexa’s cheek. she opens the car door and nudges for lexa’s to get in. “i’ll drive, get in before she charges at us.”
.
two scoops of ice cream and gigantic chunk of a brownie later, jamie falls asleep in between them on the couch, with toy story playing on the television. his head is on clarke’s lap and his feet are on lexa’s.
clarke runs her hand through his dark blonde hair and she says quietly, “your ex is a psycho.”
lexa chuckles, “tell me about it.” she keeps her eyes on the tv, “what was that by the way?”
“what was what?”
“in the restaurant, you held my hand and, well.” she smiles slightly, turning her head to look at clarke. “you know,” she gestures with her hand, her cheeks flushing pink.
“oh, i did that so she’d back off.” clarke shrugs her shoulders. “i guess it did the opposite of what i wanted.”
“well, she did back off, sort of.”
clarke nods absentmindedly. “i don't like her,” she remarks. “‘bitchy’ isn't enough to describe her.”
“language,” lexa chides.
the blonde gives her a blank look. “he's asleep.”
lexa playfully rolls her eyes at her. “whatever you say, sweetheart.”
clarke blushes, looking away. “sorry, i should've warned you first.”
“no, no,” she shakes her head. “i should be thanking you, actually.”
clarke suddenly sits up, “oh my god,” the blonde exclaims before her shoulders begin to shake with laughter. “she probably thinks we’re dating, too. that's like, what, two people at least, if octavia hasn't told everyone else yet.” lexa groans, hiding her face in her hands. “what’s wrong with dating me?” clarke asks, pretending to look offended.
“fake dating, clarke. that's not even real dating.”
“so? it's not like we’re being serious about it. it's like, passive fake dating.”
lexa stares at her as if she had grown three heads. “what the hell is that?”
“well, passive fake dating is just not correcting people when they assume we're dating. active fake dating, however, is when we actively lie to people about the nature of our relationship.” clarke replies with a proud grin.
lexa narrows her stare at the blonde, “you've taught about this before, haven't you? aren't they the same concept anyway?”
she rolls her blue eyes, “shut up. so, what do you say, will you passively fake date me, then?”
“no, lying is wrong, clarke.” lexa stills when jamie stirs in his sleep. “besides,” she lowers her voice, “why would i do that?”
“to piss off your psycho ex-girlfriend and to make my friends think my life is fantastic?”
lexa fakes a quiet gasp, “you mean your life isn't fantastic with me in it?”
“you know what i mean, answer the question.”
before lexa can, though, jamie interrupts them, “mommy,” his eyes blinking open. “mommy, need to pee.”
.
that conversation is forgotten, and the following day, clarke decides to spend her day off by sleeping as much as she can. her body disagrees though, and she wakes up at half seven, unable to fall back asleep.
she gets out of bed an hour later, making a cup of coffee and pancakes, and she hears one of the dining chairs screech on the floor, followed by a quiet, “ugh.”
she turns around to find lexa rubbing her knee, glaring at the dining chair with the intensity of a thousand suns. she catches clarke looking at her and she smiles sheepishly. “i walked into it,” lexa admits. “i’m okay.”
clarke laughs, before turning back to the stove and flipping the pancake. “is jay still sleeping?”
lexa nods, followed by, “why are you awake so early? isn't it your day off?”
“i couldn't go back to sleep,” clarke replies, turning the stove off and flipping the last pancake onto the plate. “want some?”
“maybe later,” lexa moves to make a cup of coffee but clarke waves her hand, making her pause. she’s about to ask, but suddenly, there’s a freshly brewed cup of coffee in front of her in clarke’s hands. she slowly takes it, mumbling, “thank you, clarke.” she takes a sip, a slow smile spreading on her lips, “you always seem to make my coffee better than i do.”
clarke serves three plates on the counter, each with a stack of pancakes and banana slices on the side. “that's because i’m amazing.” she flashes an obnoxious smile, making lexa roll her eyes.
“sure,” she chuckles quietly. she eyes the pancakes before her, “hey, did you put—”
“chocolate chips? yes, i did.”
lexa sighs happily, “now i remember why i like having you around.”
.
(“i have the worst headache,” jake says into the phone, closing the front door behind him and dropping his keys on the floor along with his bag. “what do i take, doc?”
abby sounds like she’s walking, going from one patient to another, “there are painkillers in the medicine cabinet, honey. take two, three if it’s really bad.”
“how bad is really bad?” jake asks, trudging upstairs. he glances into clarke’s room, just to check if she’s in there, she’s not.
“on a scale of one to ten, how bad is the pain?”
“a twelve,” he replies, chuckling. “like the time i broke my leg, except i feel it in my head.”
“don’t be ridiculous,” abby breathes into the phone, “no more than three. i have to go.”
“hey, bring clarke some lollipops when you get home.”
she laughs, making him smile. “our daughter is in college. she’s not a child anymore.”
“i know, but she might want some.” jake opens the medicine cabinet, scanning the various bottles for a painkiller. “remember how she used to get excited because you’d bring her a handful from the nurse’s desk when she was little? ‘the perks of having a mother who is also a pediatrician,’ she used to say.”
“jake,” abby chuckles, “i have to go. i love you. i’ll call you later.”
“okay, i love you, too.” he replies before ending the call. he finds a blue bottle, half-empty, and he reads, “percocet, for moderate to severe pain.” it’s perfect, his pain is probably moderate to severe anyway. he shakes out three tablets, before replacing the cap and putting the bottle back in the medicine cabinet.
he takes it with a glass full of water, and completely misses the warning on the label that says, “under any circumstances, do not mix with alcohol.”
it wouldn’t have mattered anyway, because those two bottle of beers he had taken with a few friends only an hour before are in the back of his mind, opting to go back downstairs to watch tv and relax for the rest of the night.
.
it’s clarke who finds her father napping on the couch, just after eight. she closes the curtains in the living room quietly, turning on the lamp on the far side of the wall and kisses his forehead before she goes upstairs to hop in the shower. she has three papers to do that are due within the end of the week, but it’s her hunger that makes her go back downstairs to the kitchen.
she passes her dad, still on the couch, and as she opens the fridge door, she calls out, “dad, it’s nearly nine. you’re gonna mess up your sleeping pattern like that.” jake doesn’t stir, and clarke goes about to make herself a sandwich. “dad,” she calls out again, sticking her head in the living room. “dad, do you want a sandwich? i’m making one.”
clarke expects a tired grunt, or for him to at least open his eyes and shake his head at her. jake’s a light sleeper, she knows because she can barely sneak back inside the house when it’s three in the morning without him standing by her bedroom door with a tired smile, followed by a, “glad you’re back home safe, sweetheart.”
but jake barely stirs, he doesn’t even move, and clarke narrows her eyes at the blanket covering his stomach down to his feet, and her heart skips a beat when she notices his chest is as still as everything else in the room.
“dad,” she walks closer to the couch, “dad, wake up.” the blonde taps his face, expecting him to open his eyes, but he doesn’t. “shit, dad.” she shakes him, panic and dread beginning to settle in her stomach. the blanket falls onto the floor, and jake griffin is as still as the night.
.
abby comes home, and she finds an ambulance and a police car parked in front of the house. fearing the worst, she immediately parks her car and sprints up her driveway, past the curious neighbours to find her daughter sitting at the bottom of the stairs, a blanket around her shoulders. finn and raven are sitting on either side of her, and they both glance at abby, their eyes full of sympathy because she has no idea what’s going on yet.
before abby can even approach her daughter, a police officer grabs her by the arm squeezes gently. “mrs. griffin,” he says, “i’m officer miller.”
she looks around, before returning her gaze to him. “what’s going on? where’s my husband?”
the officer frowns, “i’m so sorry, mrs. griffin.”
.
it’s three days later, and clarke’s in her room, furiously typing on her laptop, glancing at the clock every now and then. she has four hours to finish her essay before it’s due to be emailed to her anatomy professor, when abby knocks on the door softly. she doesn’t say a word when her mother walks into her room, only giving her a quick glance before returning her attention to her laptop.
“clarke, honey.” abby starts, wringing her hands. she approaches clarke, placing her hand on her daughter’s shoulder. “the coroner’s report came.”
clarke’s hands still. she turns to look at her mother who has tears in her eyes.
abby continues, “he overdosed. the report said he had alcohol and oxycodone in his blood, and it slowed down his respiratory system until it stopped completely.”
she stands from her computer chair, glaring daggers at her mother. her voice is even and it never breaks when she says, “you said you told him to take painkillers, mom. you let him take alcohol with it?”
“i didn’t know he was out with his friends before he came home, i would’ve told him not to take anything if i knew.” abby steps closer to her, tears threatening to spill from her eyes. “i wouldn’t have said that to him. clarke. i’m so sorry.”
“you knew! mom, how could you do this—”
“clarke,” abby sobs, her hands trying to reach her daughter, trying to calm her, “i didn’t know, i didn’t—”
“yes, you did!” clarke stares at her, as though it is a stranger standing in front of her, not her mother. “you killed dad!” she accuses, breathing heavily. “you did this!”
abby’s face crumples and she wipes the tears from her cheeks, sniffling. she tries to compose herself but her voice wavers when she says, “sweetheart, please, you don’t know what you’re saying.”
“i hate you!”
a sudden silence suffocates both of them, and clarke looks at the floor, letting her tears fall. abby is frozen where she stands. she murmurs, “i didn’t know, clarke. i never wanted this.”
clarke lets out a sob, before turning around and closing her laptop, shoving it into her bag. “i’m going to finn’s.”)
.
jamie wakes up a little while later, and he trudges sleepily to the kitchen, following the delicious smell of pancakes. “can i eat them in front of the tv?”
lexa is focused on her phone, reading through her emails, so it's clarke that says, “i thought you're not allowed to eat on the couch.”
“but i wanna watch my cartoons,” he sticks out his bottom lip, wrapping an arm around clarke’s leg. “please, mama.”
she tries to hold onto her resolve, but instead, she sighs and replies, “okay, just don't make a mess.”
the little boy takes the plate from her and disappears into the living room, just as lexa looks up from her phone and raises a perfectly curved eyebrow at clarke.
“what?” the blonde shrugs, taking a seat next to her, “he said please.”
“when he's older and asks for a car, send him to me.”
clarke tosses her head back and laughs, and she catches the small smile on lexa’s lips. “he's only four, that'll be ages away.”
.
jamie returns his plate to the dining table and he notes the way his mommy’s feet are on clarke’s lap, who is focused on the laptop in front of her. they’re still in their pyjamas, even though it's nearly one in the afternoon, and he almost forgets to ask, “hey mommy, what does S-O-D-L mean?”
“what?”
“no, wait,” the boy shakes his head, “S-O-L-D?”
“sold?” clarke offers, shutting her laptop closed. “where did you see that, jay?”
“the sign next door,” he shrugs, his gaze between his mother and clarke, and he narrows his eyes when they turn to each other and share a look. “what does it mean?”
lexa is the one who answers, “it means the house next door belongs to someone now.” her eyes are still on clarke and she continues, “hopefully they’re not as crazy as our last neighbours.”
“no one can be as crazy as cage wallace and his creepy friends,” clarke pretends to shudder in fear, and lexa shoves her lightly, laughing.
“can we bake them cookies? like we did for auntie anya when she moved to a new house?” asks the four year old, who decides to climb onto clarke’s lap, effectively replacing his mother’s feet.
“that’s a great idea, jay,” lexa smiles, kissing his forehead, “i doubt anyone has moved in yet, though.”
“we’ll wait, until there’s someone next door,” clarke says, “and you two aren’t allowed to bake cookies without me.”
.
iv.
(exactly three and a half weeks after jake griffin’s death, clarke finds herself in the familiar house she’s been frequenting almost everyday. she closes the front door behind her quietly, hoping not to disturb the occupant in the living room, but she’s caught, and she hears, “clarke, is that you?”
she stops at the foot of the stairs, “yes, mrs. collins. i’m just here to see finn.”
“as you always do,” the woman chuckles, and from where clarke is standing she can see finn’s mom wave her hand. “he’s in his room, go ahead.”
the blonde quickly jogs up the stairs and towards finn’s room, and she finds him on his bed, along with raven and octavia. “hey,” she greets, dropping her bag on the floor. “i didn’t know you guys were here.”
“when are they never here?” finn grins, getting up from the bed to kiss clarke’s cheek.
behind him, raven looks away with a roll of her eyes. “hey, clarke.”
“we’re bored,” octavia informs her, “please tell me you’re here to entertain us.”
clarke chuckles, “well, if i must,” she says, shrugging off her jacket. finn whistles along with raven.
she drops down on the bed, just as octavia asks her, “how’s you and your mom?”
“nothing’s changed,” clarke shrugs nonchalantly, “we still don’t talk. i try to avoid her as much as i can, which is easy because she’s never home.”
“still?” finn sighs, running his hand through his hair. “it’s been nearly a month since your dad died, clarke, you two have to talk properly sooner or later.”
“there’s nothing to talk about.” she effectively drops the subject, turning to raven, “so, got any ideas what we can do until we grab dinner?”
“how about a drive?” raven offers, and finn’s eyes light up.
“why didn’t you say that earlier? let’s go, ladies.”
octavia has her phone in her hand, and she shakes her head. “if by drive, you mean drive me home, then yes. bell’s being an asshole.”
“what,” raven is up from the bed, fixing her ponytail. “big brother wants you home already? it’s too early.”
“he wants ‘family time’”, octavia holds up two fingers for air quotations, “with me and my mom,” she rolls her eyes, getting up too. “sorry guys, i’ll make it up to you tomorrow.”
finn takes his car keys from his computer desk, but clarke clears her throat and holds out her hand. “let me drive,” she says, “it’s my turn.”
.
clarke wakes up at two in the morning later that night, and she stares up at the white ceiling before she even realizes where she is.
she’s in the hospital.
she figures out she’s hooked up to some sort of painkiller, because her body feels numb and her mouth is dry, and it’s a struggle to keep her eyes open. the blonde manages to turn her head to the right side, and she sees raven on another bed, her left leg wrapped in a cast.
she lets out a garbled noise, and it alerts whoever is resting on the visitor’s chair to her left. “clarke, i’m here.”
“finn?”
“no, sweetheart, it’s me,” clarke recognizes her mom’s voice, murmuring softly to her. “you’re okay.”
she asks hoarsely, trying to keep her eyes open. “where’s finn?”
it comes back to her in sudden flashes, like faded memories being watched underwater.
she remembers laughing, her window open and her hair flowing wildly in the wind. she remembers her grip on the steering wheel, finn’s hand occasionally brushing against hers when they’re at a stoplight, octavia’s voice floating through the car, coming from directly behind clarke, and raven’s voice replacing hers as she replies from where she’s sitting in the backseat behind finn. she remembers bellamy, waving at them from the front door as octavia walks up her driveway, his hair tousled and unruly, and she even remembers raven's comment, comparing his locks to a bird’s nest.
and then she remembers that junction, where the stoplight lit green and she breezed through it, like every other time she drove through that road, and then she hears that truck honking as it drove into the side of the car, loud at first, before the jarring noise fades into nothing.
clarke remembers the tires screeching, metal crunching, raven’s yelp from the backseat, and then she remembers the pain on her head, the smoke coming from the car, and the weightless feeling before everything turns dark.
“sweetheart,” abby’s voice is soft and quiet, like how she used to talk to clarke when she was little, “finn’s gone.”
.
raven misses finn’s funeral, and she decides to go to clarke’s on the day she’s released from the hospital. bellamy and murphy drive her there, and the latter offers to take her wheelchair out, but instead she asks for the crutches and makes it to clarke’s front door by herself while the two helplessly trail behind her.
clarke’s eyes are red-rimmed and she still has the cast for her sprained wrist. she’s a little disoriented from her pain meds, but she seems to wake up when she opens the door and raven greets her with a slap across the face.
“raven,” bellamy warns as he steps forward, his tone stern yet protective.
“you killed him,” raven accuses tearfully. “you did this to me.” clarke offers no reply, swallowing the lump that has formed in her throat. “i didn’t even get to say goodbye, clarke.”
clarke wants to apologize, but what good will that do?
“he’s my family. he was the only one i had left, and you took him from me—”
bellamy interrupts, “raven, clarke didn’t want this to happen as much as you did.”
“it’s bad enough that he fell in love with you and i was forced to watch him love you the way i wanted to be loved,” she trembles, her good leg shaking. “and now, now you killed him!”
clarke stares at her, and she doesn’t look like she’ll be talking back soon, so bellamy sighs and offers her a sympathetic glance before turning to raven. “i’m taking you home.”
“you’re not doing anything—”
“you need rest, raven,” he insists, and raven nods slightly, before bellamy takes her into his arms and walks back to the car. he leaves murphy standing on clarke’s front porch, driving raven back to his house.
“want to go to the park?” murphy offers. clarke shakes her head slightly, and he continues, “we don’t have to walk together, i’ll be there and i’ll just find you. how’s that sound?”
the blonde looks up, sighing deeply. “i’ll meet you there.”)
.
unfortunately, clarke misses baking the cookies for their new neighbours when she’s called in for a twenty-three hour shift. she walks in through the front door, dead on her feet, she is greeted by lexa in the hallway.
“i didn’t hear your car come in,” she says, taking clarke’s coat for her.
clarke mumbles her thanks, followed by, “wells drove me home. i left my car in the hospital. he said i shouldn’t drive.”
the brunette offers her quiet hum, “you haven’t introduced this friend to me before.” she follows clarke into the living room, watches as she drops onto the couch and pulls lexa by her waist. clarke rests her face on lexa’s stomach, grinning slowly when she feels lexa’s hands massage her scalp, letting blonde hair free from her ponytail.
“we’re not friends, he’s in my team.” she murmurs tiredly against the fabric of lexa’s shirt. “where’s jamie?”
as if summoned by the mention of his name, jamie appears from the kitchen, a wooden spoon in his hand. he approaches the couch slowly, narrowing his eyes at the seemingly intimate conversation his mother and clarke are having. “mommy,” he interrupts, “they’re done!”
lexa turns to look at him, but doesn’t move away from clarke. “did the timer go off?”
“no,” jamie replies. “clarke, are you okay?”
“clarke’s tired, jay. she had work, remember?” the blonde lets out a muffled noise against lexa’s stomach, agreeing.
“oh.” the four year old pauses. “we made extra cookies for you, mama.”
clarke lifts her head and blinks tiredly at him, letting a slow smile appear on her face. “thanks, jay. you’re the best.”
he tugs on lexa’s shirt, “can we give them to mr. lincoln now?”
“who’s mr. lincoln?”
lexa takes her hands away from clarke, and the blonde frowns as she releases her hold around her. “lincoln,” she corrects her son, “he’s our new neighbour. he lives with his fianceé and their roommate. we can pack the cookies and go over in a few minutes.”
“can i come?” clarke asks, and jamie jumps with excitement.
“yes! you get to meet mr. lincoln, he’s really tall.”
.
jamie is right, their new neighbour is really tall. standing at six foot one, lincoln washington introduces himself with a flash of bright white teeth. he ruffles jamie’s hair fondly, before taking the tupperware filled with freshly baked cookies.
“welcome to the neighbourhood,” lexa gives him a reserved smile. “we live right next door.”
“lincoln?” a voice queries from inside the house, and lincoln opens the door wider to reveal his fianceé.
“miss o?” jamie pipes up, “what are you doing here?”
“you know her?” lincoln asks, as octavia steps closer to him. she grins widely, taking in the sight of clarke and lexa, along with their son.
“she’s my teacher,” jamie informs him, “you live here now?”
“yes, i do,” is octavia’s cheerful response, and clarke’s eyes widen slightly. “i guess we’ll be seeing a lot of each other, as we should.” she winks at the blonde, directing the last part of the sentence to her. she turns to lincoln, “i’ve told you about clarke, right?”
“wait, you’re clarke griffin? the clarke griffin?”
the blonde nods, wordlessly, and jamie chimes in, “mama, you’re famous? but i thought you’re a doctor?”
“who’s a doctor?” another voice floats through the hallway, and clarke recognizes it, her eyes snapping to octavia’s.
“is that—”
raven appears at the doorway, standing next to octavia, a metal brace supporting her left leg. she shows no surprise in seeing clarke, after three years, but she does glance at lexa and jamie with curiosity in her eyes.
lincoln gestures to raven, “this is our roommate, raven. she’s living with us for a little bit.”
“indefinitely,” the girl adds, and octavia rolls her eyes.
she clarifies, “she’s broke so she’s crashing here.”
lexa nods evenly, not giving away that these people are all familiar to her, through clarke’s stories. “it’s nice to meet you.”
octavia tilts her head, glancing at raven, “this is clarke’s partner, lexa, and their son, jamie.”
and that’s the moment everything in raven’s head screeches to a halt, her eyes widening, and she takes a second glance at the three of them standing on their front porch. “you have a son?”
clarke and lexa make no move to correct octavia, instead, the blonde nods her head slightly, “i guess.”
“you guess? you disappear for three fucking years and don’t tell us—”
“raven,” lincoln hisses, “there’s a child,” he whispers harshly.
jamie looks oblivious as ever, but he presses himself against lexa’s leg. his mother glares at her, “we should get going.”
raven shakes her head, “i’m not done yet—”
“really,” lexa insists, “we should go. we can have this conversation at another time, clarke just came home from work, she’s tired.”
“i think clarke can speak for herself—”
octavia interjects, nodding at lexa, “you’re right, thank you for the cookies.” she glances at clarke, who looks like she wants to disagree, but she turns away to nod at lexa.
“it was lovely meeting you,” lincoln smiles, a little uncomfortably, trying to pull raven back into the house.
.
jamie seems to forget the awkward disaster that was meeting their new neighbour and busies himself with his toys in his room, just as they get home. clarke lingers by her bedroom door, and lexa places her hand on her shoulder.
“hey,” lexa says.
“i left,” clarke mumbles, “i left to get away from them, from all of the things that happened.”
“we can’t always run from our problems, clarke,” lexa responds, “the past has a way of coming back to us, one way or another, whether we like it or not.”
“i’m not really in the mood for one of your lectures, woods.”
lexa sighs, “okay,” she lets her hand drop and goes to check on jamie, but clarke stops her by grabbing her wrist.
“will you—” clarke tries to ask, “can you—” she gestures to her bed, avoiding lexa’s eyes, “i don’t want to be alone.”
“of course,” lexa smiles gently, “i’ll be with you in a second, i need to check on jamie.”
.
a few minutes later, lexa settles into clarke’s bed, and without hesitation, the blonde wraps her limbs around her, cuddling her close. clarke asks quietly, breaking the comfortable silence, “will you date me?”
“what?”
“let me rephrase,” clarke chuckles tiredly, “fake date me.”
“i thought i already was,” lexa replies, trying to calm her heart.
“actively fake date me. we’re passively fake dating, we need to step it up.”
the brunette rolls her eyes, feeling clarke’s warm breath on her neck. “and what will this achieve again?”
“my friends will think i’ve gotten my shit together and leave me the hell alone, they won’t try to make me talk to my mother, or talk about what happened before?” clarke offers, “no one will ask you about jamie’s dad ever again? i’ll defend you from your bitchy ex-girlfriend?”
“clarke griffin,” lexa mockingly scolds, “such language.”
“well?”
lexa considers it in her head. it would make sense for them to actively fake date each other. for the sake of clarke’s pride, she could do it. it would only be in front of clarke’s friends or in front of costia anyway, nothing else would need to change. but still, there’s something about pretending to be in love with clarke that makes lexa feel uneasy.
“i don’t know, clarke,” she whispers, and the blonde stays quiet. “i want to help you, but, won’t it be weird between us?”
she turns her head a little, expecting clarke to answer, but all lexa sees is a sleeping clarke, her face only inches away from hers. it would be so easy to kiss those lips, to finally feel them against her own.
“sweet dreams, clarke,” lexa whispers.
.
it’s a monday the next day, and lexa’s in her office in the university, finishing the final touches to the exam she’s giving her students at the end of the week. jamie’s in school, and clarke’s at home, probably sleeping, probably reading her medical journals.
there’s a quiet knock at the door, and lexa doesn’t even look up when she calls out, “come in.”
the door creaks open, and costia is standing there, her dark hair down and flowing past her shoulders. she shuts the door quietly behind her before sitting down on one of the chairs in front of lexa’s desk.
costia smirks a little when she reads, “dr. alexandria woods, phd.” she hums, “my, my, you’ve done well for yourself, haven’t you?”
lexa’s lips form a thin line, and she skips her usual polite greeting in exchange for, “costia, to what do i owe this visit?”
“please, look more enthusiastic to see me, i dare you.”
“i don’t have time for your games, costia,” lexa sighs, placing her pen back on the desk and reclining back on her office chair. “what do you want?”
costia gives her a sly smile, “i wanted to catch up. i’ve missed you, i’m sure you’ve missed me, too.”
“i haven’t,” lexa responds, deadpan. “i don’t want to catch up with you.”
costia replies, unaffected, “we were together for four years, lexa. we were childhood friends turned lovers, i’m sure you missed me at some point.”
“i did,” she clicks her tongue, “but that was before you ruined my life and ruined my son’s chances of meeting his biological father.”
“like you ever wanted to be associated with that low-life, anyway.”
“he was a good man—”
costia rolls her eyes, interjecting, “was he? then why did he leave you to raise your kid alone?”
“because you convinced him that i lied to him!” lexa’s nostrils flare, she can feel her blood boil in her veins, and she wants nothing more than for lightning to strike costia where she is right now. she accuses costia, “it’s all your fault.”
but costia sits there, a smug expression on her face. she pretends to examine her nails before she nonchalantly nods, “i suppose it is. but really, i was doing you a favour. you’re the gayest person i’ve met, lexa. i’m surprised you managed to sleep with him, of all people.”
lexa clenches her jaw, “leave, or i’m calling security.”
costia lets out a laugh, standing from her seat. she steps toward the desk, approaching lexa with dark eyes, “i really have missed you,” she murmurs. “getting rid of that pathetic asshole you share a son with was necessary, because i wanted to you back. but you went off to your uncle’s and then disappeared, and i couldn’t find you.”
“i don’t want to do anything with you, let alone get back with you.”
“you’re in love with me, lexa. we’ve known each other forever, we broke up because of miscommunication—”
“on your part,” lexa shakes her head, “i made it clear that i fell out of love with you when we broke up.”
“because you needed time for yourself,” costia presses on, ignoring her. “he was in my way, lexa. i needed to do that.” lexa stares at her, wondering what the hell happened to girl who used to be her whole world. “what do you say? ditch the kid with your ditzy blonde girlfriend and come with me.”
“she’s not ditzy,” lexa grits her teeth. “she’s a doctor for god’s sake. clarke is intelligent, and i’m not going anywhere.”
“do i have to convince this one that you lied, too? although, what would you lie about this time?” costia smirks. there’s another knock at the door, before a blonde head peeks in, and costia groans, “well, speak of the devil.”
clarke’s smile is wiped off entirely and replaced with a glare, directed at costia. she enters the room, approaching lexa’s side automatically. she greets, “hey, sweetheart.”
“clarke,” lexa looks at her, a little surprised, “what are you doing here?”
clarke replies, not taking her eyes away from costia, “you said you wanted me to pick you up so we can go grocery shopping, remember?” she turns to look at lexa, “are you finished with this meeting?”
lexa nods, getting up from the office chair, she replies, “yes, we’re done.”
at the same time, costia shakes her head, “no, we’re just getting started.”
clarke steps forward, in front of lexa, shielding her from costia’s gaze. “leave,” she glares.
it’s effective, because costia backs down, and without a word, she turns around and gets out of lexa’s office. she seems to linger by the glass window, staring at them with an unreadable expression before turning away and finally disappearing out of sight.
clarke steps closer to lexa, giving her a side hug, “was she bothering you? are you okay?”
“i’m better now that you’re here,” lexa lets out a breath, feeling the tension in her body dissipate at the sight of clarke’s smile. “let me pack up, we can go in a moment.”
.
“see, i told you this active fake-dating thing is helpful.”
“just drive the car, clarke.”
.
(“clarke,” bellamy sighs into the phone, “raven’s not doing good.”
“i heard, from octavia.” she clears her throat. “she hates me.”
“no, she doesn’t, she’s hurting, just like you are. but i guess i can’t really say that.”
clarke pauses, “say what?”
“that you’re hurting like the rest of us. it’s different for you.”
“raven and i were both in love with finn, how is it any different?”
“clarke, you lost your dad, too. raven just lost finn. you lost two men in your lives. that’s— that’s fucked up.”
“i’m fine,” is her casual reply.
“no, you’re not, clarke. shit, you lost a part of you, that’s not—”
“i’m fine, bellamy. i’ll be okay.”
“i know, you’re strong.” he says, the pride evident in his voice. “you’ll come out of this, and we’ll be here in every step of the way; me, o, raven, your mom, hell, even murphy—”
“no, no, i don’t need—”
“yes, you do. clarke.”
“bellamy, did murphy set you up for this? is that what you’re doing? because i don’t need this right now.”
“yes, you do, clarke—”
“no, i don’t. i killed finn, bellamy. i am the reason he died—”
“that drunk driver is the reason finn is dead, you drove as safely as you can. if you need forgiveness, i’ll give that to you.” bellamy adds quietly, “you’re forgiven.”
the line is silent and bellamy can hear her quiet breaths, and the occasional sniffle. clarke mutters, “i can’t look at any of you, i don’t deserve your pity. it’s suffocating, bellamy,” her voice cracks and wavers, and she takes a deep breath. “my mom indirectly killed my dad, and that hurts, it hurts so much. and finn— i took him away, away from raven, from you, from our friends, from the world.” she sobs, “i can never take that back.”
“clarke,” he sighs, “we can get through this, you don’t have to do this alone.”
“i can’t be here anymore.”
“clarke, don’t do anything stupid—”
“i won’t, god, bellamy. i just— i just need to think.” she wipes her tears, a plan already forming in her head. “i need some air. maybe a nap,” she tries to chuckle, but it comes out more like a watery laugh. “thanks, bell.”
“will you call me later? when you wake up? just so i know you’re okay, and octavia and i won’t have to barge into your house.”
“yeah,” clarke lies, opening her closet and pulling an empty duffel bag. “i will.”)
.
they’re in line in the grocery store a few hours later, when clarke proposes the idea to her again. they spot octavia in line at another cashier, and clarke’s sort of relieved that she hasn’t seen them. she quietly clarifies what actively fake-dating will really entail, and lexa’s not very happy with the details.
she practically shrieks, “you want to pretend that we’re married and we have a kid? are you out of your mind?”
“no, i want to pretend we’re engaged and have a son. please, lexa, please?” the blonde juts out her bottom lip adorably.
lexa gives her a glare, “that pout isn’t convincing me right now, clarke.”
“oh, but when jamie does it, it’s effective?”
“clarke.”
“right, sorry. it’ll be fine lexa, it’s not like you actually have feelings for me like that, right?”
“i— of course not,” lexa replies quickly.
clarke tries to ignore the way that stings in her chest, and she nods. “see? we’ll be fine.”
the brunette crosses her arms over her chest, “what about jamie? i don’t want to lie to him, too.”
“it’s not lying if he already thinks we’re together. where else would octavia get the idea if it wasn’t from him?”
lexa doesn’t give a response, only staring ahead and keeping her mouth shut. she mulls it over, like she did before, and she comes to the same conclusion she did just the night before: she has nothing to lose, besides her dignity and self-control when it comes to clarke griffin, probably.
“please, lexa, please? i’m begging you, i’ll get on my knees, seriously—”
“no you will not, clarke, we are in public—”
“i will, i will do it.” clarke says daringly, “i’ll do anything to make you say yes.”
a brilliant idea sparks in clarke’s equally brilliant mind. she smirks as she slips off the ring on her finger, the one she bought with lexa in forever 21 a couple of weeks ago, before getting down on one knee, gathering the looks of the people around them.
“clarke,” lexa looks horrified, “what are you doing?”
clarke announces, “lexa woods,” she takes lexa’s hand and holds it tightly, preventing the other woman from pulling it back. “will you marry me?”
a small crowd forms around them, among them is octavia, and lexa’s cheeks instantly flush. there are a few cheering and clapping, and she stammers, “oh my god, clarke—”
she holds up the ring and lexa widens her eyes when she recognises it, “clock’s ticking, lexa.”
the crowd around them chants, “say yes! say yes!” and lexa gaping at clarke before she moves her head in the form of a nod, forcing a smile on her face.
“i’m going to kill you, clarke,” she says through her smile, she tries to ignore the way her heart feels like it’s going to beat out of her chest as clarke slips on the ring on her fourth finger.
clarke laughs, and then announces loud enough for everyone around them to hear, “i’m sorry, i couldn’t wait until tonight.” the crowd around cheers again, then clarke whispers, “i’m gonna kiss you now.”
“what—” the rest of lexa’s question is muffled by clarke’s lips pressing against hers, and she closes her eyes and tunes out the rest of the world.
the cashier behind them clears his throat with an apologetic smile, and they pull away from each other, breathless and suddenly shy, when he says, “that’ll be thirty fifty-nine, please.”
.
the air is thick with tension once they’re back in the car and clarke starts with, “look, lexa, i’m so sorry i sprung up on you like that and forced you—”
“i’m not— i’m okay with that, clarke, really. i’ll help you with your plan, and i’ll make sure jamie does, too.”
“then why are you sitting there with your angry face on?”
“this isn’t my angry face, this is my annoyed face.”
“see? you’re annoyed, which is even worse because you get all passive-aggressive on me. answer the question.”
lexa sighs, she drums her fingers on the dashboard, not quite sure how to phrase i think i’m falling in love with you in a way that won’t shock both of them. meanwhile, clarke prepares herself for the worst, but lexa quietly replies with, “you could’ve done it in a restaurant, clarke. we could’ve gotten free dessert.”
her mouth falls open, “that’s it? that’s why you’re annoyed? because i fake-proposed to you in the middle of the grocery store?”
“well, yes,” lexa’s cheeks flush pink. “if we’re gonna be pretend married, i might as well get free cake along with it.”
clarke bursts out with laughter, and lexa can’t help but do it, too, and they’re halfway to jamie’s school to pick him up when clarke glances at her from the driver’s seat. “we can, though, get free cake.”
“when?”
“tonight? we can go to that italian place before my midnight shift. i’m sure jamie would love free cake, too.”
“all cake to him is free.”
clarke hums, “that’s true. so, what do you say? shall i propose to you again tonight, miss woods?”
lexa sighs deeply, slowly accepting that this has become her life now. “deal.”