Chapter Text
“Bea?”
Beatrice freezes, body suspended in the middle of setting her work bag down on the table. Her mind replays the word over and over again, refusing to believe the voice it knows she recognizes.
Ava.
But Ava’s gone. It can’t be Ava.
Yet, it is.
Beatrice swallows and her limbs begin to tremble.
It can’t be Ava.
She knows what this is.
This isn’t the first time she’s had this dream. She’s woken up countless times in the weeks since Ava’s been gone, crying and calling out for the woman she was sure was right in front of her.
Each time, the empty room glaring back carves out another section of her heart, leaving her for dead.
This is just the first time she’s had the dream this clearly while awake. Though, she has caught glimpses and snatches of Ava around her during the day in the past.
This is just the clearest it’s ever been.
Her breathing shallows and she refuses to turn around, not ready to face the reality of being met with the empty room behind her.
“Bea?”
The word comes again and Beatrice slides her eyes shut, breath coming out in a choked sob.
Ava.
She could live here like this forever, no matter what it does to her, if it means she gets to hear Ava’s voice like that again.
Her limbs tremble harder. She knows she wouldn’t be able to turn around if the fate of the world depended on it.
She doesn’t have any heart left to lose.
She sobs again and it cracks open the lock on her chest. More sobs pour out after, sending her collapsing forward into a rough crouch over the table.
She doesn’t hear the rushed footsteps approach behind her over her own misery, but she does feel the warm, tender hands that wrap around her shoulders and turn her into an equally warm, solid, and real chest.
Beatrice sobs harder, sealing her eyes shut and refusing to open them as her face burrows deeper into the shirt in front of her. The scent that greets her there is overwhelmingly Ava.
She cries harder.
“It’s ok. It’s ok. I’m back. I’m ok. You’re ok.”
These words start up in a hushed whisper directly in her ear, still distinctly in Ava’s voice, and continue to repeat over and over again like a desperate prayer. The hands stroke up and down her shoulders and back, caressing and soothing at the same time.
Beatrice sobs harder.
Later, much later, when Beatrice settles enough to actually open her eyes and face the woman that has reappeared in her life, she’s met with Ava’s gentle smile and knowing, watery eyes.
“Hey, Bea,” Ava whispers. One hand moves up to cup the side of her face, clearing away more evidence of her tears with gentle strokes.
Beatrice’s hands shoot up to cup Ava’s face in return, marveling at the soft, real ply of the delicate skin under her fingertips.
She looks mostly the same. Maybe a little older. A new thin, white scar runs across one temple. But, overall, mostly the same.
Alive.
Here .
“Ava,” Beatrice breathes out, barely registering the word.
Ava’s face cracks into a wide smile and Beatrice’s thumbs automatically fall down to trace its contours.
“You went back to the Alps,” Ava whispers.
Beatrice nods, still too overwhelmed to say more.
Ava smiles wider and her eyes trace around Beatrice’s face for another few seconds. “Are you set on staying here? Or would you go with me, if I asked?”
Beatrice sucks in a harsh breath and pulls Ava closer. “You’re where I wanna go.”
The words break across Ava’s skin, lighting her with joy from the inside out. “Yeah?”
“I love you,” Beatrice says, nodding.
“Oh Bea, I love you, too,” Ava replies.
Ava closes the distance between them in a blink, linking their lips in a much longer, slower kiss than their first.
Beatrice can picture nothing better than getting to kiss her again and again for the rest of her life.
So, they run.
They’re not actually running from anything. The war ended up not happening, Beatrice officially left the OCS weeks ago, and the world is in the process of fixing itself, but they run anyway. Ava has a list of the top 100 places she’s always wanted to visit, so they make a plan to spend at least a week at each, if not more, and they just go.
-
“Bea?” Ava calls from the other room.
Beatrice steps out of their bedroom and into the small kitchen of their latest rental. “Yes?”
Ava’s sitting at the table. When Beatrice enters the room, she turns to look at her over her shoulder and raises one eyebrow while waving her phone in the air between them. “Can I take you out to a romantic dinner tonight?”
Beatrice allows a small grin back, but stops walking and folds her hands behind herself as she watches the other woman. “A romantic dinner?”
Ava grins cheekily and gestures at the phone. “Yeah, there’s a new restaurant on the waterfront and I just managed to get a table. Reviews say the food and views are fucking awesome.”
Beatrice bites down on the inside of her lip and studies Ava for a beat while the other woman is distracted by whatever’s on her phone screen. “That sounds lovely, Ava. What brought this on?”
“Hell yeah!” Ava cheers, launching herself up from the chair in a smooth arc. She spins around and crosses the room to pull Beatrice in a quick hug. When she leans back, she leaves her hands on Beatrice’s shoulders and squeezes. “Thanks, Bea! I just can’t wait to finally seduce you properly.” She follows it up with a wink and an air kiss before squeezing Beatrice’s shoulders again and darting out of the room, presumably to go get ready.
But Beatrice doesn’t follow her.
Beatrice stays rooted to the spot for several long minutes, mind stuck hard on one word, and one word alone.
They’ve been on the run together for just over a month. It’s been glorious living each day with her thoughts wholly revolving around Ava, experiencing this life with her and diving deeper and deeper in love with her with each passing second.
Yet, they’ve also been taking it slow. They have been kissing, definitely lots of kissing, but they haven’t pushed toward anything else yet. Ava has been incredibly understanding and respectful of Beatrice’s boundaries, never pushing for more beyond a wandering hand or a little extra exposed skin.
And Beatrice has appreciated it. She’s appreciated it far more than she’s ever been able to express to Ava.
Because as exceptionally happy as she is to be in this version of her life, it’s a little dizzying how much her life has changed so quickly. It’s changed forever in ways she never even thought to expect.
She’s somebody she doesn’t recognize anymore.
And that’s fine. Really, she couldn’t be happier to be the person she’s becoming. She couldn’t be happier to spend her life with Ava like this.
But at the same time… so much has changed so quickly .
She’s appreciated getting to take some things slower than the rest. She may not be a Nun anymore, but she’d held some beliefs far before she ever took her vows.
She never saw this for herself.
Never.
And Ava’s been great about letting her take things slow without talking about it directly.
But, perhaps she doesn’t want to wait anymore?
Ava’s words stick up in Beatrice’s brain like a lighthouse.
I just can’t wait to finally seduce you properly.
Finally.
Finally.
Beatrice’s stomach clenches and she’s fairly certain it’s not in the thrilling way people always talk about in books and movies.
No, she knows this feeling. She’s well familiar with this cold, cramping. She used to get the same feeling before every mission. The physical manifestation of her apprehension and, often, fear.
The realization triggers an automatic response for her and she breathes out a long, slow breath through her nose, as she always did to settle herself before missions. Then, she rolls her shoulders back and lifts her chin.
If it’s time, it’s time. She loves Ava, she loves this life, she loves who she is now, and she always knew this step was coming. It might be a little sooner than she would have preferred, but that’s fine, too.
She wants it. She does. If Ava wants it tonight, then she will make that happen.
With another long, slow exhale out of her nose, she nods once, just for herself, and turns back to the bedroom to get ready.
The restaurant really is lovely, full of beautiful old stonework and twinkling lights that make the whole night feel magical. The table Ava reserved is right next to a patio overlooking the river exactly where the sun is beginning to set. When they’re seated, Ava glows in the orange and pink light, grinning from ear to ear.
“Thank you for coming out with me,” Ava says, voice light.
Beatrice smiles back, dropping her eyes down to the space between them. “Of course, thank you for setting it up.”
One of Ava’s hands appears on the top of the table. She reaches half-way across and then leaves her hand palm up, waiting but giving Beatrice the option to receive only if she wants to.
Beatrice’s stomach flutters and she reaches out to link their fingers without hesitation. She glances back up at Ava and smiles again.
“Why’re you nervous, Bea?” Ava asks.
Beatrice feels a slight tremble start up in her hand and resists the urge to pull away from Ava to hide it. “It’s nothing. Nothing to worry about,” she says softly.
Ava squeezes her hand and opens her mouth to reply, but gets interrupted by their server walking up to take their orders. Beatrice clasps onto the distraction with full force and takes the opportunity to pull away from Ava. They spend a couple of minutes going back and forth with the server, ordering a nice bottle of wine to share and two of the house specials, and then the server walks away and they find themselves alone in their relative privacy again.
Beatrice turns her head to look out over the water, catching the last bits of sunlight as it disappears behind the horizon. “The views really are quite impressive,” she says, hoping to start them talking about something else so that Ava will drop her questioning.
There’s a beat of silence between them. Although Beatrice keeps her attention on the sunset, the skin of her cheek prickles with the weight of Ava’s gaze on her.
“Why are you nervous, Bea?” Ava asks again, voice gentle with just a strand of concern lacing the tone.
Beatrice sighs and turns back to face Ava, flashing her a small, slightly sheepish smile. She takes a second to glance around the room to ensure there’s no one close enough to overhear their conversation. “It’s just…a big night. I admit I am a bit nervous, but in a good way.”
Ava frowns just the slightest amount as she studies Beatrice’s face. “Why is tonight a big night? We’ve been on dates like this before…the restaurant was a lucky find but it wasn't super meaningful, was it?”
Beatrice’s mouth runs dry and she reaches out for her glass of water to wet it and buy herself a little time before responding. The look on Ava’s face isn’t teasing or anything. It doesn’t seem like she’s trying to make Beatrice say it just to watch her squirm. She looks earnest and still a little concerned, so Beatrice takes an extra sip of her water for good measure and pushes herself to be as open as she can make herself be. “The date, yes. This is lovely. It’s the plans for the rest of the night that would be more significant.”
Ava tilts her head to the side a bit as her brow furrows. “The plans for the rest of the night? What do you mean by…” as she trails off, her eyes blow wide and her eyebrows shoot up toward her hairline. She does a quick scan of the room on her own and leans forward in her chair, lowering her voice down into a low whisper just for Beatrice. “Beatrice. My joke about seducing you, did you think that meant I was pushing for that to actually happen tonight ?”
Beatrice pauses, staring back into Ava’s wide eyes. Even the skin of her face has lost a little color, highlighting her shock and concern. Beatrice clears her throat. “Well, yes,” Beatrice says eventually.
Ava leans closer still. “And you were wanting to do that? You were ready to do that tonight?”
Beatrice fidgets, finally dropping her eyes away from Ava’s again as she struggles to find the appropriate words. “If it was what you wanted,” she says, and even as the words are leaving her mouth she knows they’re the wrong ones.
The sharp, harsh inhale of air that comes from across the table only confirms it.
Of course, their server returns with their wine at that moment, so they have to hold the heavy silence for a long minute as he pours their glasses and leaves as quickly as possible, clearly sensing something off as well.
Beatrice refuses to look anywhere other than her wine, avoiding Ava’s hard stare as she takes a sip once they’re alone again.
“Beatrice,” Ava calls, voice surprisingly gentle.
Beatrice’s heart pounds a little harder in her chest and she pulls in a slow breath as her eyes flick back up to Ava’s.
Ava’s are still wide, but there’s a deep vein of concern and fear there now that has Beatrice’s heart jumping up to her throat. Ava frowns and opens her mouth to respond, but no words come out. She licks her lips, brow furrowing for another long beat, before she finally seems to find her words. “I need you to answer me very seriously and honestly right now, ok?”
Beatrice nods once, sharply. “Of course.”
Ava nods back. “Did you want that tonight?”
Beatrice clears her throat. “I- no. No, not really.”
Ava swallows roughly and breathes out. “Ok. I didn’t think so. That’s ok, ok? That’s completely fine. And, I need you to hear this too, ok? I don’t want it, until you want it. I’m so sorry if you’ve felt like you need to do things just for me, but you really don’t. I don’t want that, ever, and especially not on something as important as this.”
Beatrice’s heart pounds harder and harder in her throat, but some of the tension that had been piling up in her chest all afternoon unlocks. “Yes, Ava, I understand. I’m sorry fo-”
“No,” Ava says, voice sharp. “No, I’m sorry. I haven’t made that clear enough before and I will. I promise.”
Something catches in Beatrice’s chest at the words. “It’s not your fault. I shouldn’t have assumed and-”
Ava cuts her off again. “Beatrice, please.”
Beatrice sighs and nods.
“Thank you. Now, I promise, no expectations tonight, ok? I just want to enjoy the night with you,” Ava says.
Beatrice smiles at her, more of the tension unlocking as her heart finally begins to slow.
“Yeah. Yeah, that sounds lovely.”
Ava smiles back and places her hand on the table again. Beatrice doesn’t hesitate to link their fingers.
They have an amazing night.
And, in the end, they cuddle up next to each other in bed and fall asleep in each other’s arms.
A few weeks later, when Beatrice actually does feel ready, she broaches the topic with Ava first, careful to make her wants and intentions clear.
Ava is enthusiastically receptive.
They communicate a ton and plan it out carefully.
Beatrice is even excited too, even if she is still scared, and finds herself thoroughly enjoying the experience.
It’s only when it’s all over and Ava falls asleep next to her in the bed that the fear really starts to take over Beatrice’s mind.
She’s laying naked, pressed hip to hip with Ava’s smooth, warm, and equally naked form. The bed is toasty and oh-so soft. The room is dark with just a bit of moonlight peeking in around the curtains. It’s quiet, with just the soft hush of Ava’s breathing and the faint rumble of a few cars out in the distance.
There’s nothing to distract Beatrice from herself. Absolutely nothing.
She doesn’t recognize herself.
Her heart rate increases as the magnitude of how much more she’s already changed starts to crash in.
She doesn’t recognize herself anymore.
This was never something she pictured for herself. This joyful, almost careless person who goes on long dates and makes love to their soulmate in the soft moonlight.
She doesn’t know how to be this person.
Ava falls into the role so much easier than her, smiling and laughing with each new way she changes.
But Beatrice doesn’t know how to be this person. It took her two months just to get here, and yet she’s still struggling to breathe in the dark while Ava sleeps peacefully.
What if she can never become the kind of person Ava needs? What if she’ll always be wary of vulnerability, hesitating at each new step forward, slowing Ava down?
The beating of her heart crawls up to her spine, nearly choking off her breathing.
She doesn’t recognize herself anymore.
She loves who she’s becoming, but what if that’s not enough for what Ava needs her to be?
What if Ava doesn’t recognize her either?
What if she doesn’t love who she’s becoming, no matter how fast or slow Beatrice is changing?
Beatrice finally chokes on a silent sob, desperately struggling to keep it buried within, but the small motion must have been enough to wake her bedmate.
With a soft moan, Ava rolls over, sending a delicious shiver up Beatrice’s spine despite her increasing panic as their skin slides across each other in a gentle caress. Once Ava’s facing her, she slips an arm over Beatrice’s waist and lays her hand palm down on the center of Beatrice’s chest. Beatrice’s heart begins to slow like she’d pressed a button.
Beatrice glances at her. Her eyes are half closed and her face has a bleary look to it, yet Beatrice can tell she’s focusing intensely at the same time. “Talk to me, Bea. I can hear you thinking,” Ava mumbles, dropping her head down onto Beatrice’s shoulder as she makes the request.
Beatrice breathes out slowly. “I love you so much.”
Ava nuzzles her face into Beatrice’s shoulder and places a careful kiss there. “I love you, too. Now try again. Talk to me.”
Despite the thoughts still swirling in her head, the ease at which Ava calls her out like that pulls a light chuckle from her chest. “I was just thinking…”
Beatrice trails off for a second, staring up into the relative comfort of their dark ceiling as she gathers her words, and Ava takes the opportunity to place another soft kiss on her skin. “Dangerous thing to do,” Ava teases.
Beatrice laughs once more. “Yes, well, I was just thinking. Do you love who I’ve become , too? Who I’m becoming ?”
Ava’s head tilts on her shoulder so Beatrice glances to her side to look at her. Ava’s eyes are much more awake now, hard and intense at the edges as she stares back into Beatrice’s face. “I love every part of you and every version of you, no matter what,” she answers easily.
Beatrice swallows thickly and moves her eyes back up to the ceiling, unable to make herself face Ava as she keeps pushing. “But I’ve changed so much. I’m unrecognizable as the person you originally met and fell in love with.”
Ava’s hand moves from her chest, sliding up the exposed skin to wrap around Beatrice’s jaw and tilt her face toward her again. When Beatrice meets her eyes, they’re even darker and more intense. “Do you not like who you’re becoming?”
Beatrice jerks her head in Ava’s grasp. “No, I do. I do.”
Ava nods at her and her eyes narrow. “I’ve changed a lot too, do you not like who I’m becoming?”
Beatrice shakes her head harder, eyes growing wide at the thought that Ava could ever believe that. “Of course not! You become more beautiful everyday. I fall in love with you again every hour.”
Ava purses her lips at Beatrice and hardens her stare. “Then why would you think I wouldn’t feel the same about you?”
Beatrice swallows, painfully aware of the action below Ava’s fingertips. “I just. I’ve changed so much, but I also know I struggle to keep up with you, and I just- I just- I’m so different from who I was when you met me.”
Ava sighs and moves her hand so that her thumb can run along Beatrice’s bottom lip. “I understand. Really, I do. But you’re perfect. You’re beautiful. You’re everything I could want and I only fall more and more in love with you, too. I promise.”
Beatrice studies her, watching the low light play across the stunning planes and curves of her face.
She’s so wonderful. She’s so different from that young, scared girl the OCS had originally found, yet Beatrice couldn’t love her more.
Yet she does everyday.
And with that, it slides into place. She understands.
Carefully, she purses her lips to press a kiss into the thumb Ava’s still trailing over them, and then rolls onto her shoulder to face Ava more directly.
“I love you. You’re right. It was foolish, I’m sorry.”
Ava moves her hand back to cup the back of Beatrice’s head so she can start massaging the muscles there gently. “Don’t say that. Your fears will never be foolish to me. I just always want you to trust me to talk you through them, if you’ll let me.”
Beatrice lets the corners of her lips curl up into a genuine, soft smile. “I can promise to always try.”
Ava grins back, then uses her hold on Beatrice to pull her into a deep, entwining hug.
Beatrice settles into it and her body finally begins to slow and settle into a rhythm of sleep.
She’s somebody she doesn’t recognize anymore.
And, God, does she love it.