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Charlie was on his way to Tesco for a salad for dinner and he was not amused. The last few months had been excruciating. He loved his job as an editor but the corporation he worked at was a big commercial one and money was more important to them than the people who worked there. He was trying to get a job at an independent company, but so far he wasn’t successful.
Over the last three months two colleagues had been laid off and everyone else had been told to “up their game”. His boss had said this leaving the meeting room, a big smile plastered on his face, as if he were talking about giving them an extra week of annual leave. He had even patted people happily on their shoulders. Charlie couldn’t afford to lose his job, living in London, and wanting to stay there, so he put up with the extra workload. That meant ten hour workdays and adding World War II as a genre to his remit. He usually was assigned queer, classic themed, and more left-leaning political books; World War II was interesting but not the historical era he loved.
Alongside this paid job he volunteered at a small music venue that hosted mainly local and unsigned rock bands, where he led an LGBTQIA+ group, and once in a while took a shift behind the bar. He hadn’t been able to do the latter the last two months due to his demanding editing job, and he felt he couldn’t give the LGBTQIA+ group the attention they needed.
So he was exhausted and moody. His anxiousness, that had been under control for so long, had reared its ugly head again. Normally running got him out of his head, but not this time, and he had to schedule some extra appointments with Geoff to get his balance back.
As it was the 23rd of December and his first day of the holiday break, his demeanour should have been better, but the only thing he wanted to do was crawl underneath a blanket and sleep.
The holiday season was decidedly not his favourite. Tomorrow he had to head home to celebrate Christmas with his parents (surviving Christmas would be a better description). His mother was already annoyed because he wouldn’t come home sooner than the 24th. In his humble opinion any day before Christmas was too soon. His mum would be on edge and controlling even more than usual. Everybody had to be pristine for the grandparents: clothes, hair, the house decorations, and even the towels. God forbid anyone would use a non-holiday themed towel after going to the loo. And what would they think about their grandson with his long hair, leather jacket, ripped jeans, faded band t-shirt, high top combat boots, and his ears pierced multiple times? The fact that Charlie categorically refused to change his outfit, had caused many arguments in the presence of said grandparents.
Charlie did love his Abuelo and Abuela a lot. They were his dad’s parents, and seemed to accept Charlie for who he was. That couldn’t be said of his Grandma and Grandpa, who were as warm as a cold shower. It wasn’t surprising his mum had turned out this way. Every year they asked if he had a girlfriend yet. He had told them he was gay when he was twelve, thank you very much , and if that wasn’t a dead give away, the pride pin on his jacket with the slogan “Gay Panic” across it should have sealed the deal.
Next to this, Christmas was generally a gloomy affair for Charlie because everyone always paid attention to his eating, due to his eating disorder. No one seemed to have noticed that wasn’t really an issue anymore. His eating hadn't even been impacted by the last couple of challenging months, although he did often eat less during the holidays because the food was so stodgy and chewy. Moreover, his mother never used any seasoning, so the food was always bland.
This year he also couldn’t go back to London on Boxing Day, because Elle had thought it would be nice to see all her friends from back home before she and Tao left for the States for six months for a joint fashion/movie project. She and some Higgs friends Charlie didn’t know had organised a big New Year’s Eve party.
On top of that, Charlie had to attend a gig tonight; some of Elle’s friends had a band that were playing in a club. Normally they’d start the holidays with a nice movie night with Tao and Isaac, but Elle had insisted on going to see the band so she could also be around their London friends, as they would leave on the 3rd of January. He had agreed because she had asked when he was not exactly sober, and he had tried to back out, but Elle and Tao had refused to take no for an answer.
Plunged in thought Charlie had purchased his salad for dinner, and was on his way back home. A tall broad guy wearing a leather jacket and cargo pants, with dazzling long dark blond hair that almost reached his waist, was legging it towards him, a deep frown between his angry and sombre looking eyes. Before Charlie could step aside the gorgeous man barrelled past him, knocking him to the cold ground without so much as a backwards glance, let alone an apology. Charlie was baffled. “The fuck!” he cried as he pulled himself up, brushing dirt from his jeans, while examining his knee. There was going to be an ugly bruise there tomorrow. What a total bell-end , thought Charlie, sighing in frustration. Could this evening become any worse?
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Nick sprinted toward the nearest Tesco for sugar. He had to get his Christmas biscuits ready before he would leave to celebrate Christmas at his mum’s house tomorrow. He was so distracted by his outrage at the unbelievable audacity of his ex, he had accidentally put salt in the batter instead of sugar. He had never returned home for the holidays on the last day before Christmas before. He felt the tears welling up in his eyes and he couldn’t tell if the anger or the bitterness was more absorbing right now.
As the school year had started after the summer break, Nick met a beautiful girl, who had given a presentation about autism. They had a nice conversation afterwards, and she had asked for Nick’s number. Nick hadn’t had a relationship for quite some time and he wasn’t cut out for apps or casual hookups, so this had been very welcome. It hadn’t been love at first sight but Nick figured love sometimes had to grow, and not every relationship had the same dynamics. He had found it hard that she chose her friends over him most of the time, and she hated his long hair. Every time they were together she had hinted he should get a haircut. But she was also adorable, she made him laugh, and her brain was bright.
Nick had thought of inviting her over for Christmas at his mum’s, but had decided against it. It just didn’t feel right. That revelation had stirred something deep inside him, and he had started doubting their relationship. However, Nick was not one for giving up easily, so when she had asked him if they could be together on the 23rd of December, as they wouldn’t spend the holidays together, he reluctantly agreed. He had booked train tickets for the 24th.
His doubts had grown bigger and bigger. He had realised he’d rather spend his time with his mum than with his girlfriend, and had decided to break up with her, but she had kept on cancelling their dates and so Nick waited, feeling more and more agitated.
Finally she had called him and broke up with him ; over the phone, not even a video call. He was furious. He couldn’t understand how she had the shamelessness to just call him. Nick had felt the whole relationship hadn’t meant anything to her. If he was honest, he had to admit it hadn’t meant much to him either. So he was still livid, but happy it was over.
Unfortunately today Nick had found out his ex held a grudge towards Nick for some inexplicable reason. This morning his co-worker had called him and told him she was spreading rumours about Nick being a cry baby, not accepting their break up.
His mum had been the bearer of more bad news. She had texted him to tell him his brother would be joining the Christmas festivities. Nick determined the word festivities should now be replaced by abominations . His brother was a bigoted prick, who made it his life goal to make others miserable. He didn’t accept the fact Nick was bi, laughed at him for embracing a more alternative lifestyle, and called him a girl all the time because of his long hair. David knew not to do that in front of their mum, but he took it upon him to taunt Nick every time their mother wasn’t around.
At least tonight he could relax a bit, as he was going to see a band in the local club together with his friend Sai. Sai invited him as soon as the word about his breakup got around. But he could only go once the biscuits were ready, so plunged in thought Nick almost ran the last metres to the supermarket.
Did he just bump into someone? He didn’t hear anybody cry out so he just kept moving.
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Charlie stood before his closet, only to decide he wouldn’t change. For what? Being in a crowded mass with a bunch of sweaty people? He packed his bag for the next day, and got comfortable on the couch with his book. He could relax for almost an hour before Elle and Tao would pick him up.
He was woken up by the sound of his doorbell. Quickly he got up and opened the door.
“He was asleep, I told you so,” Tao shouted over his shoulder as he walked in. “Nice sleep creases. New look?” Tao smirked.
Charlie lifted an eyebrow, but he wasn’t willing to bicker. “Do we still have time for a cup of tea before we go?” Charlie asked.
“Charlie,” Elle spoke. “We’re going to have a riot tonight. I’m sure we can have something stronger.”
“I’m knackered, and I’m most certainly not going to drink tonight. Help yourself to a beer if you want. They’re in the fridge.”
Charlie made himself a cup of tea and Tao and Elle drank their beer. Elle connected her phone to the speaker and put the Metal Christmas playlist on. Charlie certainly liked this playlist and had listened to it a fair share of his time the last month, but at the moment he couldn’t care less. He was just extremely on edge, and all the stimuli caused a sensory overload. Although the volume did make him realise he had to grab his earplugs before leaving. As soon as they finished their drinks, Elle took Charlie’s and Tao’s hand, and danced with them to the wardrobe to get their coats. I’m gonna miss her so much. She can make the worst evening better by just being around, Charlie thought, shaking his head.
“Come on Charlie, we’re going to get you a boy. You need someone when we’re in the States,” Elle said in a singsong voice.
“Elle, I don’t need a boy. I’m perfectly fine without. Besides, the last one thought cheating was an acceptable part of the relationship, remember. I’d rather be single than cheated on.”
Elle hugged him, and Tao slung an arm around Charlie’s shoulders. “Come on, Charlie, if not a partner, we can find you a nice boy to snog tonight,” Tao deadpanned.
Charlie rolled his eyes, took a deep sigh, put on his coat and black knitted beanie, and walked out of his flat.
Entering the club made Charlie slightly calmer. He loved the buzzing atmosphere at live gigs. Especially the moments right before the band would get up on stage: the anticipation of the audience, the house lights coming down, some last minute activity on stage that mirrored the vigour of the band waiting to start.
The club was packed, so Charlie, Tao and Elle decided to grab a drink and try to get to the left side of the club as it seemed a little less crowded there. Elle guided them through. Her smile and winks made everyone step aside. As soon as they found a good spot, the stage lights went up and the band picked up their instruments and started playing.
Elle hadn’t lied. They were actually pretty good, and Charlie felt some of his anxiety slip away. It was replaced with rhythms, melodies, and a pounding bass. Maybe this evening wasn’t that bad after all. Charlie decided to embrace the moment, bouncing his head and letting his hair hang down.
After the set, Elle and Tao went to get some drinks, and have a talk with their friends from the band. Charlie offered to find some seats in the meantime. Luckily that wasn’t very hard, so he took a seat, and texted Elle and Tao where they could find him. As he scrolled through his insta, he heard a familiar voice.
“Hi, darling, so nice to see you here.”
Charlie felt as if someone had put a rope around his chest and pulled it with force. He wasn’t able to breathe; a chill ran through his veins and an intense fury gripped his brain.
Ben Fucking Hope .
Charlie looked up with an infuriating glance. What was that cheating prick doing here? He never even liked this kind of music, scolding him whenever he was listening to something like this when they were together.
“What do you want, Ben?” Charlie snapped at him.
Ben took the seat next to him and put his hand on his knee. Charlie jumped up with venom.
“You fucking bastard, get your hands off me and leave me alone!” Charlie spat.
Ben looked around uncomfortably. “Jeez, Charlie. I only want to reconcile.”
Charlie squinted. He can’t be serious . “I’ll give you exactly five seconds to fuck off, before I’ll have you removed by one of the bouncers.” Charlie’s blind fury raged through his body. He was vaguely aware of people getting closer. He felt a warm hand on his shoulder, and he heard a deep voice: “Okay boy, I think you’d better get going. This lad is obviously not interested.”
The voice belonged to a broad, tall man, with a mohawk and an intimidating amount of studs on his clothes. Ben gave Charlie an angry look, but walked away.
“Are you okay?” the man asked.
Charlie nodded. “Yes, thank you for being there for me.”
“Of course.” The man squeezed his shoulder, removed his hand, and turned back to his friends.
Charlie’s eyes spat fire, and the anxiety was back at full force. He just had to get out of there and get home. He didn’t want to be around people anymore. He shot Elle and Tao a text, whilst tears flooded his eyes. Without looking where he was going, he stomped through the crowd. Did he just bump into someone? He didn’t hear anybody cry out so he just kept moving. Once outside the instant cold dried his tears. He called an Uber, and went home.
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Nick placed his Dr. Martens under the wardrobe and walked towards the kitchen to make his biscuits. As long as he could remember he had baked to get his emotions under control. Thank God he’d promised to bake them. That way maybe he could get his soul a bit more in balance before he went to the gig tonight.
The counter was a mess as Nick had thrown everything aside the moment he discovered he’d put the salt in the batter. He cleared out some bits and pieces, threw out the old batch, and started with the new one. He connected his phone to the speakers and put the Metal Christmas playlist on. He was a sucker for Christmas. It was his favourite holiday, and indulged in it with fervour.
At the start of every December, Nick would hang fairy-lights all over his apartment, buy a tiny Christmas tree, and decorate every inch of it. Of course the decorations he used were mainly in black, but he loved the atmosphere.
He hummed along with the music whilst mixing the ingredients. He still felt a lot of bitterness regarding his ex’s behaviour. It also made him nervous. People wouldn't actually believe her story, would they? He wasn’t one to be deterred by what people thought about him, but he hated the fact she spread rumours about him. How could he have misjudged her so badly?
He took a deep breath, and decided to concentrate on the biscuits. He had to close this chapter of his life. In a way he already had when he had got the nipple-piercing. His lips curled slightly, thinking about that. He had wanted one for ages but she had made it clear she hated piercings altogether, so he hadn’t pursued it. Obviously the first thing he had done after the breakup was get one. It was still quite sore but he loved the little ring. It made him tingly, thinking he finally had the guts to get pierced.
Nick wrapped the dough in plastic, put it in the fridge and got his new biscuit cutter out of the drawer. It was in the shape of a little dog. He had bought it because it looked like Nellie, his border collie back home. Thereafter he made some red and green icing.
As soon as he put the biscuits in the oven he took a shower and then changed into a white shirt and his ever trusted cargo pants. He brushed his hair and tied it up so it wouldn’t bother him in the club. He loved his hair. It had taken him forever to reach the current length, so he nurtured it with love.
He realised he was less emotional and less preoccupied with his ex’s actions than he’d been this morning. Baking sure did help. He still despised the fact he wasn’t home yet although he was also dreading it, as his brother would be there.
The gig would provide a welcome distraction. Nick shot Sai a text that he was on his way. He walked to the wardrobe. It was cold outside but he ran warm, and it wasn’t far to the club, so he decided against his green scarf. The scarf was one of the only garments he had of colour. His mum had knitted it for him when he was sixteen, and he wore it ever since. He took a deep sigh, put on his coat and black knitted beanie, and walked out.
The moment he entered the club, he felt the radiating atmosphere he loved so much at live gigs.
Nick looked around but couldn’t find Sai. He took out his phone and saw a message from him, saying he couldn’t make it after all. Nick really didn’t like going to see bands on his own but as he was already there, and he most definitely didn’t want to spend the evening alone, he chose to stay. He navigated through the crowd so he would be more to the left side of the stage, as it seemed a little bit quieter over there.
The band was great and Nick enjoyed himself. Slowly he felt his body relax a bit. When the band ended their set, Nick got something to drink, and drank in the ambience. The buzzing crowd started to get mellow, and so did Nick’s mood. That was until he heard a man shouting at a nearby table, where he saw people gathering. There was a lean man with long dark curls spitting his words with rage. Luckily a punk with studs all over his clothes stepped in and helped out. The next moment Nick saw the lean man stomping towards him and shoving him without so much as a backwards glance, let alone an apology. He felt a sharp sting as the man’s hand touched his pierced nipple with force.
“The fuck!” He might be mad but that was no excuse to assault others.
His nipple hurt like hell, so Nick called it a night, and walked home.
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Charlie got up at the last moment to catch the train. Normally he would travel with Tao and Elle but they would get a ride from some relatives, so he had to travel alone. He hated that, knowing the train was bound to be jam-packed. His heart felt heavy today, but at least he had his music.
He quickly ate some breakfast, picked up his bag, put his headphones on and left.
At the station he rushed to the right platform; he was already late. He scanned the enormous amount of people all waiting for the same train. He tried to get more to the front of the platform, hoping that way he would be able to secure a seat.
Charlie’s eye caught a very pleasurable sight. A tall, broad man, with stunning long dark blond hair, stood in front of the platform, just staring at the train tracks. It seemed his mind was occupied. But wait, wasn’t that the idiot that had run him down in front of Tesco? Beauty and decency apparently weren’t a natural pairing.
At that moment the train arrived. Charlie braced himself as the crowd started moving towards the doors. He knew it was only an hour long trip, but he didn’t want that to be a trip standing between cranky and smelly people, talking too loud and crunching their food next to his ear. Luckily he packed light, so he could move relatively quickly.
Whilst entering the carriage he immediately noticed a group seat with only two seats occupied. Charlie made his way towards them, threw his bag in the rack above the seats, and sat down quickly. Before he could get comfortable, the man from Tesco crammed his duffle bag underneath the seats, took off his scarf, and plumped down opposite of him.
How was this his life? What cruel intentions did the universe have for him?
The man put on his headphones and frowned at Charlie with a disapproving expression on his face. He leaned back and closed his eyes. It gave Charlie the opportunity to examine him closely. The man wore a simple white shirt, faded black cargo pants, a pair of Dr. Martens underneath and a leather jacket that he must have had for ages judging by its weatherworn appearance. The only dissonance was the greenish coloured scarf, momentarily laying on his lap.
His hair seemed to have a more reddish glow in the harsh light of the train. He tugged it repeatedly behind his ears, but it fell back within seconds. He was tall and broad, but didn’t seem inclined to show off his muscles. Even through all the layers of clothes, Charlie could see he had strong arms. He probably engaged in some sport like rugby regularly. But the thing that really charmed Charlie were the countless amounts of freckles spattered across his face, his long blond eyelashes covering some of them. It was too bad he was such a barbaric bastard.
Charlie wanted to close his eyes too, but had a hard time detaching his attention from this gorgeous man.
Charlie suddenly noticed the man had opened his eyes, and was looking at him. Their eyes locked for a moment. The man’s eyes had the most beautiful auburn colour, and Charlie felt his stomach flutter.
He promptly got up to get his book out of his bag. That way Charlie would have some distraction from this utterly beautiful, but obviously horrible man. He had packed the Iliad , his go to book whenever he was feeling blue. Charlie sat down again, and started reading.
Charlie was snapped out of his concentration as the man opposite leaned forward to get something out of the bag he had shoved underneath his seat. He took out a tupperware box and put it between his feet. Charlie noted there were undoubtedly homemade biscuits with red and green icing in the box. Are they in the shape of doggies? This man can’t be real.
As the man reached to get the box of biscuits, the sleeve of his jacket crawled up and revealed a tattoo of a stem with daisy-like flowers, encircling his forearm. Charlie knew daisies symbolised clarity and love. The man didn’t bother to pull his sleeve down again, so Charlie could study it thoroughly. It was made in the style of Art Nouveau and most exquisitely done. The stem was pink and the flowers were blue and purple. Wait…that was the colours of the bi-pride flag. That couldn’t be, could it? It had to be a coincidence.
At that moment the man seemed to answer his phone. He was talking so loud, Charlie could hear it over the music on his headphones. He looked angry, his eyes dark, a hint of pain sipping through. Charlie couldn’t hear everything over the music, but there were definitely some “fucks”. The man evidently had no decency at all.
Charlie turned up the volume, so it would drown out the man’s voice. He had never seen someone with so many contrasts before.
For the rest of the trip Charlie read his book, once in a while peeking at the man across from him. He couldn’t deny his breath was taken away every time their eyes accidentally locked.
Charlie looked outside and saw the train was reaching its destination. As he stood up, the man also stood up. For a moment they were standing there, an inch away, gazing into each other's eyes. A jolt of electricity shot through his spine. Charlie averted his eyes, got his bag from the rack and walked to the exit.
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Nick woke up early, excited to go home and be with his mum. He cautiously touched his nipple. It was a lot less sore. He took a shower and made breakfast. Thereafter he packed his duffle bag, ready to head home.
He was at the station early. He liked that, because there wouldn’t be as many people on the platform yet. Nick just stood there reminiscing and looking forward to being home with his mum and Nellie. He was thinking about all the things they would do together for the next two weeks. And there was the big New Year’s Eve party his friends Tara and Darcy were throwing.
He snapped out of his reverie as the train arrived at the station.Nick hoped he wouldn’t have to stand for the entire trip. It was only an hour, but he saw the immense crowd now swarming on the platform, and he loathed being squished between people, thinking they owned the train, pushing and talking too loud.
As he entered the carriage he saw a vacant seat. He walked to the seat, shoved his duffle bag underneath it and sat down. Nick noticed a lovely man sitting opposite of him. Hold on…this was the man who almost ripped his piercing out.
How was this his life? He chose not to look, put his headphones on and closed his eyes.
Nick wondered what he’d been shouting about yesterday. It looked like the other man involved had done something wrong, but the curly haired man’s reaction was over the top, it seemed to Nick.
He felt his phone buzzing in his pocket, but he ignored it. He wasn’t in the mood for being social. Besides, he had to open his eyes to look at the phone, and he wasn’t ready for a confrontation with the man facing him.
He was gorgeous though, and entirely his type. Looking at him wouldn’t hurt anybody. It wasn’t as if he could easily have his attention anywhere else in this cramped train. Nick opened his eyes to take the man in. He was wearing a leather jacket with lots of zippers. It made him look tough but soft at the same time. The ripped, black, skinny jeans finished with a pair of combat boots, hugged his thighs at all the right places. They were muscled in an athletic way. Nick also noted the NIN shirt. It was the Downward Spiral one. He loved that album. The man had black curls cascading over his shoulders, every strand of hair individually sculpted. His pierced ears peeked through. And his eyes…his eyes were sky-blue as the firmament during spring time.
At that moment those eyes found his and they locked for a moment. Nick’s heart skipped a beat.
The man stood up to get something from his bag on the rack. As he reached, a strip of olive skin appeared above his jeans. On his hip was a beautiful tattoo of a dandelion in all three phases of its life cycle. Nick knew dandelions symbolised the way all things are connected and the ability to heal, physically and emotionally. It seemed there was more beneath the surface than he assumed, besides the man’s offensiveness.
The man started reading a book he had obviously read many times as it was faded, dog-eared, and filled with comments in the margins.
Nick felt thirsty so started rummaging around in his bag for his water bottle, carefully placing the tupperware box filled with biscuits between his feet so they wouldn't get damaged in the process. Unfortunately there was no water bottle to be found. Exasperated, he put the box of biscuits back, he sighed, closed his eyes and laid his head back on the headrest again. He figured his mum would have the tea ready as soon as he’d walk in. His lips curled into a smile thinking about that.
His phone started buzzing again. Nick took off his headphones and answered it, before checking who it was. He froze as he heard his ex’s voice on the other end.
“Finally you’re answering. I just wanted to say that you have to stop telling untruths about me. Everyone knows you are devastated I broke up with you, so don’t proclaim you’re glad it’s over.”
Nick felt a rage storming through his body. He knew he was on a train, but he had to address this. “Fuck you! I am glad it’s over. More than glad. You are the most self-centred human I’ve ever encountered. Never fucking call me again!”
Nick hung up and immediately blocked her number. He couldn't get his head wrapped around the fact that she had such a twisted worldview. Okay Nick, take a few deep breaths and let it go. He felt the rage slowly ebbing away, and he became aware of his surroundings again. What was that noise? Why had the man sitting opposite turned his music so loud, he could hear it through the headphones? Nick concluded the man had a lot of different sides that collided massively.
Nick heard the announcement that the train was reaching its destination. As he stood up, the man also stood up. For a moment they were standing there, an inch away, gazing into each other's eyes. A jolt of electricity raged through his body, entering his brain. He averted his eyes, got his bag from underneath the seat and walked to the exit.
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It was Christmas morning, and Charlie sat in the kitchen, drinking a cup of tea. Within a few hours the house would be taken over by his mum and relatives. He enjoyed the last few moments of calmness. Olly came in, yawning and rubbing his eyes. “Good morning Olly, would you like a cup of tea?”
Charlie loved his younger sibling a lot. He was an extrovert unlike himself, but they connected through music, literature, and playing Mario Kart.
“I’d love that. Are you ready for the grandparent invasion? I thought of buying you a gay Christmas jumper to get the message across, but Grandma and Grandpa would probably still deny it if they saw you having sex on the table during Christmas dinner.”
Charlie almost choked on the tea. “Jeez, Oll, it’s still early, and you’re way too young to be thinking about me having sex. To be honest you won’t ever be old enough to do so.”
Charlie gave his little brother a wink. At that moment his mother came in.
“Why aren’t you dressed yet? And Olly, please wash your hair. The Christmas towels are already in the bathroom.”
Olly rolled his eyes and went upstairs.
“And you, any chance you could wear something other than a band-shirt? Maybe put your hair in a bun?”
Charlie took a deep sigh. “Mum, I’ll be wearing my non-ripped jeans, and a band shirt with only the name on it, so no skulls or blood. And no, I won’t put my hair in a bun. Everyone knows I’ve got long hair, please stop nagging.”
Charlie didn’t wait for his mum’s response and walked out of the kitchen. This was going to be a long, long day.
Tori opened her bedroom door as Charlie passed. “Morning Charlie, I see by your merry good mood that mum has started her Christmas routine,” she deadpanned.
Charlie raised one eyebrow and pulled his sister in a hug, knowing she would say she hated it, but secretly loving it. “Merry Christmas, Tor. Happy to share this jolly day with you.”
It was not long before Charlie heard the front door close and his dad talking in Spanish. He went downstairs to give his Abuelo and Abuela a hug.
“Hello dear, how are you? You’re looking good, healthy.”
Okay, Charlie. You know they mean well. “I’m okay, how are you? How was your trip?”
Soon thereafter Grandma and Grandpa arrived. They greeted Charlie and Charlie saw Grandma shaking her head quietly. She hadn’t even taken her coat off, and he already felt rejected. Charlie felt his muscles stiffening, and unwittingly he was biting the inside of his cheek.
Charlie opted to play a boardgame with Olly, to avoid painful questions. Tori was sipping a Diet Coke and pretending to read a book but Charlie knew she was following the conversations and texting Michael. Her better half wasn’t here this year, due to his demanding ice-skating schedule.
And then his mum announced the dreadful dinner was about to commence. Reluctantly he took a seat. He felt so many eyes watching every movement, every bite. It was as if needles punctured his soul. There was the first remark: “Are you sure you don’t want some more vegetables?” Charlie made fists underneath the table. He dug his nails deep in his palms.
And by all means that wasn’t all.
“Charlie,” his Grandma started. “Are you already seeing a nice girl? It’s about time you find one.”
Charlie saw Olly roll his eyes, and Tori threw him a compassionate glance.
“Grandma, I’m not into girls, I like boys, I’m gay. And I haven’t found one yet. You’ll be the first one to know if I find the man of my dreams.” Involuntarily his mind presented a picture of the man in the train.
“Maybe if you change the way you dress, cut your hair, you’ll find a lovely girl.”
She couldn’t be serious.
“I’m not going to change anything, Grandma. The man, yes, I said man , that will love me, won’t care about what I look like.” It took him all his strength and willpower to stay seated.
After dinner he helped his mum clear the table. “Charlie, I don’t appreciate the way you talked to your Grandma.” That broke Charlie.
“You gotta be kidding me! She denies who I am, rejects me, and you’re choosing her side?” He felt the tears filling his eyes. He couldn’t take this anymore. He turned around, got his coat and knitted beanie, and walked out the door.
It was freezing outside and Charlie felt the cold permeate his entire body, a reminder of what the dinner did to his soul. He should have taken his scarf, but he wouldn’t go back, not even if hell froze over. Aimless he walked through the silent streets, covered in lights and decorations. Without even really noticing, he entered the park.
The beauty of the frozen park hit him. The hoarfrost on the branches and the grass was absolutely stunning. It eased his soul and mind somewhat.
Out of nowhere a dog ran towards him, and jumped around him. Charlie sat down to pet the beautiful dog. There was no owner in sight. The dog ran off, but came back. He kept on running back and forth as if he wanted Charlie to come with him, so he followed the dog.
Behind a couple of big trees, he saw the dog run towards a man on a bench. Charlie had to look twice: it was the man he’d encountered outside Tesco’s and on the train. He wanted to walk away, but as he looked closer, he saw the man’s shoulders shake, his head in his hands. He was crying. The man could be rude and indecent, but no one deserved to cry alone on a bench on a Christmas afternoon. Charlie walked towards him and cautiously sat down, laying a gentle hand on his shoulder.
The man’s head jolted up. Charlie saw that he recognised him too, but then he moved up, away from Charlie.
“I’m sorry I scared you. Your dog led me here. I saw you crying, and I just wanted to comfort you.”
The man examined him, tears still streaming down his cheeks. Apparently he decided he could trust Charlie. “This must be the worst Christmas ever, and Christmas is usually my favourite holiday...” The man’s eyes stayed focussed on Charlie.
“Same, and I hate this holiday,” Charlie answered.
They talked and Charlie listened to him. He found out the man wasn’t indecent at all, but the last few months had been awful to him. This Christmas only contributed to the horror. Charlie felt safe enough to share his story, and the man listened with attention. He told him about the last months, his family, his friends, his insecurities, his life goals, his everything. The universe had pulled them together. Charlie felt like he had known the man for ages, and he lost himself in the inner beauty that mirrored the outer. The mental and physical distance between them became smaller and smaller.
The warmth the man spread couldn’t prevent Charlie from shivering though. The man noticed immediately, and offered Charlie his green scarf. Charlie at first refused, but the man told him he ran warm, and really didn’t need the scarf. Charlie accepted the kind gesture. He inhaled the scent. It was musky and fresh at the same time. It couldn’t be more perfect.
They both noticed it was turning dark, and the dog (Nellie, Charlie knew now) started whining. They acknowledged they had to go home. The man hugged and thanked Charlie as they went their separate ways and Charlie did the same.
Entranced, Charlie walked home. He didn’t want to admit it, but he was falling hard.
As he opened the door, he realised he didn’t even know the man’s name, and he was still wearing his scarf.
🍂❄️🍂
Nick woke up happy. He smiled because it was his favourite day of the year: Christmas. Christmas Day was usually only with his mum, and occasionally his brother joined. On Boxing Day, the entire family would gather at their house. He threw on a hoodie, and ran downstairs. He pulled his mum into a bear hug. “Merry Christmas, Mum.”
“Merry Christmas, Nicky.” His mum conjured up a present. “You’ll need this before you get dressed.” Nick took the present eagerly. Every year his mum bought them matching Christmas sweaters. The pattern matched, the colours distinct. Nick’s was always black, his mum’s yellow or blue.
Nick tore open the package, and found a black jumper. The pattern this year was snowflakes. On the front a dog was wearing antlers. “Thanks Mum, I love this one.”
At that moment David entered the kitchen. “Merry Christmas, David,” his mum said, and gave him a hug. She presented David with the same package as Nick.
“Please Mum, no matching jumpers this year.” Nick saw his mother wince.
“You don’t have to wear it if you don’t want to,” she said with disappointment in her voice.
David unpacked a green jumper. “I’ll wear it,” he said.
Nick and David went upstairs to get dressed. “David, how hard is it to wear a matching jumper once every three years? You know Mum loves that.”
“Fuck off, Nicky! You’re such a sap. You might think you look tough with your leather jacket, but you are a sissy boy. Oh no, sorry, you’re bi, as if anyone would believe that. Are you sure you're not a girl with that hair?”
Nick almost exploded. He wants you to respond, but he’s not worth it. Nick stormed into his room and punched into his pillow. He heard David on the phone on the other side of the door. “I have to wear this ridiculous jumper, and my gay brother is being a drama-queen. I’m glad I don’t have to be here every year.”
So am I. Nick thought. The idea of spending Christmas with his brother every year was appalling.
The rest of the morning Nick helped his mum cook. They danced to Christmas music whilst preparing everything for dinner. Nellie happily jumped around them. This is what Christmas should be like. David sat in the living room scrolling endlessly through his Insta.
Nick was setting the table as the doorbell rang. Who could that be? Nick went to the door and opened it. His breath hitched, and he felt the blood drain from his face. In front of him stood his dad. David’s behaviour was the spitting image of his dad’s. Nick seriously pondered if he could slam the door in his face, and just ignore him.
“Nicky, who is it?” he heard his mother asking. Nick didn’t answer but walked back to the kitchen, followed by his father.
Nick’s mum frowned her eyebrows, her eyes showing a hint of anger and a lot of disbelief. “Stéphane, I wasn’t expecting you.”
“I thought I’d surprise you all. I haven’t seen my sons for so long.”
David came tumbling out of the living room. “Dad, so nice to see you. I hope you’ll stay for dinner.”
Nick and his mum looked at each other and both let a long breath escape.
During dinner his dad mainly spoke with David. After a while he directed his attention to Nick. “Nicholas, my boy, any girls in your life?” “No, Dad, and no boys either for that matter.” Unwittingly his mind wandered to the gorgeous man on the train.
His dad continued, “I don’t really understand these things, but if you find yourself a real job, instead of teaching, I’m sure girls will like you instantly. You could also change your wardrobe and cut your hair like David, that will make you a chick-magnet.”
Nick felt nauseated and boiling hot with anger. He really wanted to leave, but couldn’t leave his mum alone. He rolled up his sleeves, and rubbed his neck.
“What is that, Nicholas? You even got a girlie tattoo. Flowers, and those colours. Sarah, did you give permission?”
That was it. “Sorry, Mum.” Nick stood up, got Nellie’s leash, put on his coat, knitted beanie and scarf, and left the house.
The tears ran down his face, thinking about the way his father had rejected him and ruined the best day of the year. The freezing cold felt hot in comparison to the cold his dad had spread. It was a chill that not only penetrated his body, but also his soul.
“Come on, Nellie. Let’s go to the park.”
Nick and Nellie walked into a deserted park. It was beautiful. Everything was covered in ice as if someone had tried to preserve it. It didn’t make Nick stop crying though. He unleashed Nellie and sat on a bench with his head in his hands, trying to stop the tears from flooding his face.
Suddenly he felt a hand on his shoulder. He quickly looked up and immediately recognised the man he’d seen before in the club and on the train. Was he trying to be friendly? Nick moved up a little.
“I’m sorry I scared you. Your dog led me here. I saw you crying, and I just wanted to comfort you.”
Nick studied the man through his tears, those just wouldn’t stop falling. The man’s eyes were red and puffy. Had he also been crying? He couldn’t be that bad if he’d tried to comfort a complete stranger. Nick decided to tell him he’d had the worst Christmas ever.
The man admitted his Christmas wasn’t any better, but that he disliked Christmas altogether. Nick was surprised. He kept on gazing in his eyes, wondering what lay behind them. Slowly the flood of tears stopped and Nick told the dark-haired man what had happened. The man genuinely listened, and also shared his story. He wasn’t inconsiderate at all. Rather the opposite. He had been through a lot the last few months, which is what had made him on edge. The man shared thoughts and feelings, and Nick felt so safe he told him about his life, his job, his passions, his difficulties, his everything. They were two magnets, who kept being pulled together. Nick moved closer by forces beyond himself. He sensed such a familiarity speaking to the man. His kind spirit was reflected in his dazzling presence.
Nick realised the man was shivering. He took off his scarf and handed it to him. At first he refused it, but Nick told him he didn’t really need it, so the man accepted the gesture.
They both noticed it was turning dark, and Nellie started whining. They acknowledged they had to go home. Nick hugged and thanked the man as they went their separate ways and the man hugged and thanked him back.
Entranced, Nick walked home. He didn’t want to admit it, but he was falling hard.
As he opened the door, he realised he didn’t even know the man’s name, and the man was still wearing Nick’s scarf.
🍂❄️🍂
The next few days hadn’t been as bad as Charlie suspected. He had had a big fight with his mum when he had come home on Christmas Day, but after that the atmosphere had become less dense and heated. Tori had gone back home, so he and Olly had spent a lot of time together, mostly outdoors. Charlie had also taken several walks in the park hoping to see the man that kept his mind occupied, and let’s be honest, his body too. Unfortunately he hadn’t seen him so far.
Charlie had poured his heart out, but hadn’t asked for his name or number. How could he have been such a complete idiot? He wore the man’s scarf the entire time, the scent comforting him immensely while also painfully highlighting his desire.
Tori had asked him multiple times about the scarf, but he had refused to share anything. The ache and acknowledgement of the possibility of never seeing him again would only grow bigger if he talked about it.
He had briefly mentioned meeting a stunning man to Tao and Elle, but they were so busy preparing for the party and their time in the States, they hadn’t questioned further.
It was the 29th, and Olly was meeting some friends. Charlie really had to find a way to channel his nervous energy. He felt like he was electrified. His chest seemed to be on fire, his muscles tense like strings, and he was fidgety. Luckily he’d packed his running gear, so Charlie opted to go for a long run. It always helped him ground himself and get out of his head. He changed, fastened his hair and went out.
The cold made it hard to breathe, but he knew if he started slowly, he would get in the zone and could easily run 10K. He searched for his running playlist, clicked play and started running. Bit by bit the streets, people, traffic, all shifted to his peripheral vision.
Charlie ran towards the park. He knew the routes by heart, which meant he could run on auto-pilot. He decided to take the big trail around the pond. It was at least 2.5K, hemmed with old oak trees and willows. The pond would be frozen but the ice would not be thick enough to skate on, so there was no risk of shrieking children, and parents shouting words of encouragement. It would be peaceful.
He loved the almost meditative state he was in. He felt his body relax by the exertion.
As he was running his final lap, he saw a runner on the other side of the pond. He was almost sprinting given the speed he was moving at. It hit Charlie like a lightning bolt: that was him! The man controlling his life. He had to reach him. He cursed himself for having pushed himself to his limits. He didn’t know if he was able to increase his pace enough to get to the man. Charlie accelerated, ignoring the pain, his lack of energy, and the cold air in his lungs. As he reached the other side of the pond, the man was nowhere to be seen. He leaned forward to catch his breath and looked around attentively. He was gone. Charlie was devastated.
As soon as he could, he ran back home, tears stinging his eyes. How could he have such strong feelings about a man he barely knew?
🍂❄️🍂
The next few days had been a lot better than Christmas Day. When Nick had come home, his father had left, and David had kept his mouth shut. Boxing Day had been cheerful with all his relatives, and on the 27th his brother had left.
He and his mum had done several things together. They had been to an art exhibition, Nick helped out with some chores around the house, and they had talked a lot. Nick also had taken Nellie for a substantial amount of walks in the park, hoping he would see the man again: the one that possessed his brain and, to be frank, his body, but so far he hadn’t been lucky.
Nick had told his mum about the man in the park. He had mentioned he was an outright fool for not asking for his name or number. They had shared their life stories, he even had given him his scarf. He had apologised to his mum for being so careless with the scarf she had knitted for him. His mum had hushed him and given him another one. “If the universe wants you two together, you’ll meet again, Nicky. Maybe the scarf is a sign.” Nick hoped so, because he had to admit, he needed this man.
It was the 29th, and his mum was having lunch with some friends. Nick didn’t know what to do with his feelings. His body felt cramped and explosive, a heat was building inside of him, that had no way out. The butterflies in his stomach seemed to multiply by the day, and whirled around like a humming top.
Maybe a run would help. A short sprinting one. That way he might be able to catapult some of the energy out of his body. Nick changed, put his hair in a bun, clicked his sprinting playlist and left the house.
The cold immediately hindered his breath. Nick used some breathing exercises to ease his lungs. Playing in the cold during his rugby days had given him some convenient tools. He jogged all the way to the park to warm up a bit. The route around the pond was about 2.5K. Ideal for a sprinting session, and it had lovely views; the old oak trees telling the story of ages.
As soon as Nick reached the trail he accelerated. He pushed his body to its limits, and went faster and faster. He felt the heat and energy leaving his body, and in his mind an enormous space opened up.
At the end of the lap, Nick jogged towards a more hidden bench to catch his breath. He felt he had pushed too hard. His lungs and legs hurt like hell. It was as if someone was using knives to stab them.
As he was trying to stretch, so he could walk home again, the little breath Nick had left, was knocked out of his lungs. Running about three hundred feet away was the man that got him sprinting in the first place. Nick wanted to shout, but didn’t know what name to use. He tried to run, but his legs gave in. Nick felt a tear rolling down his cheek. He was so far gone for this man, although he barely even knew him.
🍂❄️🍂
It was the last day of 2023, and to be honest, Charlie couldn’t wait for it to be over and have a fresh start. He wanted a year without all the drama, preferably with the man he probably would never see again. He still wore the scarf almost 24/7. Yes, he also slept with it. The man’s scent was slowly fading, but the memory of the man seemed to grow stronger each day. Charlie might have already fantasised an entire life together…
Tonight was Tao and Elle’s party. He was reluctant to go, but the distraction was quite welcome. A lot of Charlie’s secondary school friends would be there, so it would be nice enough. Elle had asked Charlie if he could come early and help out with the last few things. Apparently the space was massive and they still had to create a chill room, and she had asked Charlie to decorate.
Charlie ate early and went to the building where the party was taking place. It was indeed colossal. Elle had told him they only had one floor, but even that seemed gigantic.
He entered the building and walked up to the second floor. Elle and Tao hugged him. Elle looked stunning as ever. She wore a silver, short, fitted dress, golden tights and blue shoes with the highest platforms Charlie had ever seen. He twirled her around. “You look astonishing. I hate it that I don’t get to see your beauty for such a long time.”
Elle hugged him again. “We are going to have so many online movie nights, you’ll get sick of us.” As she let him go, she squinted her eyes, and looked at him. “Charlie, you’re wearing green. The last time I saw you wearing any colour must have been in secondary.”
Charlie felt himself blush. What was he going to tell them? That he fell in love with a man he had seen a few times, talked with only once and he didn’t even know his name. No way. He would just say he found it and it was comfortable.
At that moment he heard an over-enthusiastic voice shouting: “You must be Charlie! I have heard so much about you. So glad you are here to help with the chill room. I wouldn’t know how to create one, since I don’t have any urge to chill.”
“Charlie, this is Darcy, they have just described themself greatly. And that is their girlfriend, Tara,” Elle said.
Charlie smiled at the bouncing person before him, their hair wild and uncombed. Next to them was a girl with black curls and a warm smile. She balanced the chaos radiating from her other half.
“So nice to meet you. It seems so strange we have never met before,” Charlie stated.
They talked some more about how and why they hadn’t met before, and what they were doing with their life, until Tao ordered Charlie to the room to decorate. They collected pillows, beanbags and couches from all over the place, and made it into a nice, cosy spot. They were done moments before the party started.
It got packed and hectic soon, and Charlie chose to just jump in and enjoy his evening. All the rooms had different themes. He started with Isaac in the games room, where they played several rounds of Atomic Kitten and as more people gathered they all played One Night Ultimate Werewolf Daybreak .
Isaac stayed there, but Elle pulled Charlie to the room that functioned as a dance floor. Charlie lost himself in the music. Dancing and music were the best remedies to feeling blue. He started sweating as he was still wearing the green scarf, but he refused to take it off. Tara joined them and Elle and Tara soon became the centre of attention.
Charlie needed a drink. He gave Elle a wink, and headed towards the kitchen. He looked at his phone. Still an hour until midnight. He craved a little bit of silence. Fortunately the chill room was empty, so Charlie nestled into a small couch.
He was scrolling through his phone as he saw a man entering the room. He would recognise him everywhere. He couldn’t hide the smile on his face if he wanted to.
🍂❄️🍂
It was the last day of 2023, and Nick was looking forward to 2024. He couldn’t imagine it would be worse than this year. The only thing he really wished for was to see his destiny again. The man already had Nick’s scarf, maybe he could also offer him his heart. Or at least his name to begin with. He had already fantasised about living together and celebrating next year’s Christmas together with his mum. The man might even warm up to Christmas.
Tonight was Tara and Darcy's party. He was excited to go, as a lot of his secondary school friends would also be there. Some of them he hadn’t seen in ages. They threw the party with another couple he didn’t know, but had grown up in the same neighbourhood as them. It would also be a welcome diversion from his spiralling mind.
Nick and his mum ate dinner together. His mum would be celebrating New Year’s Eve with a couple of friends. They reflected on the past year and discussed ideas and intentions for the upcoming year. After dinner his mum drove over to her friend’s place. Nick changed and called an Uber.
He knew the building. One of his old team mates used to have his birthday parties over there. It was colossal. Tara had been able to get one floor for the party because someone in her dance company had connections. They had been decorating all week, so he was eager to see what they had done with it.
The place was already buzzing when he entered the building. All the rooms had different themes. It was most likely he’d find his favourite lesbians in the kitchen or on the dance floor. Before he entered the kitchen, he already heard Darcy shout: “Nick, I’m so glad you’re here! This is gonna be a party you will remember for the rest of your life.”
Nick smiled and hugged Darcy. “I’m sure I will.”
“Why aren’t you wearing your green scarf? I have never seen you with a plain black one.” They might be chaotic, but they always notice things.
Nick felt his cheeks turn red. What was he going to tell them? That he fell in love with a man he had seen a few times, talked with only once, and he didn’t even know his name. No way. He would just say that he’d lost it.
At that moment he heard Tara behind him laughing. She came in with a tall girl, dressed in silver and gold. “Nick, so good to see you. This is Elle.” Nick hugged Tara, and got acquainted with Elle. She was a striking person, radiating warmth and kindness. She mirrored Tara’s demeanour, so Nick understood why they got on so well. They talked about the trip Elle was going to take to the States for a project.
Of course Darcy wasn’t the one to talk all night, so they dragged them to a room to play truth or dare. They played a few rounds, but the dares became more dangerous each round, fueled by Darcy, so Nick got out and walked around a bit.
He took a seat in the games room. A couple of people were playing Uno , one of them whilst reading a book. Nick joined the next round, and he didn’t know how, but the man with the book was able to win every round. After the umpteenth round, Nick resigned, and got to the kitchen to get a drink.
In the kitchen he saw his old mates Otis and Christian. He hadn’t seen them in ages, as they’d stayed up north after uni. It was nice to talk to them. Even if they didn’t share much more than their love for rugby, they had always liked each other. They caught up, made a Whatsapp group, and promised to see and speak to each other more often.
Nick was looking for the dance floor as he walked past a room with only one person in it. He would recognise that scarf, and the person wearing it, everywhere. A big smile appeared on his face.
🍂💖🍂
“Oh my God, you’re here!” They both shouted, their voices an octave higher than normal.
They kept smiling and hugged. A deep knowledge surrounded them. They knew everything was going to be okay. Not only tonight, not only next year, but the rest of their lives.
They melted into each other and picked up their conversation from the park where they had left it. Their fingers entwined, their foreheads touching, their voices barely a whisper. They didn’t need their voices, because their touches, their bodies and minds, their entire beings shared the same universe.
In the other room, the music was turned off for the countdown.
10
I still don’t know his name.
9
I should introduce myself.
8
“I’m Charlie.”
7
“I’m Nick.”
6
“Hi.”
5
“Hi.”
4
I should ask him if I can kiss him.
3
Would he want me to kiss him?
2
“Can I kiss you?”
1
“Please.”
HAPPY FOREVER