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“Are you going to let me out of bed at all today? I can’t make breakfast if you don’t you know.”
Lucy snuggled deeper into the warm arms that were wrapped around her. No, she wasn’t about to release him, not even for breakfast. She wasn’t nearly as hungry for food as she was for the comfort and safety of his arms. His soft, rasping chuckle vibrated his chest against her cheek and he settled in beside her again. Her hair tickled from his warm breath ghosting over the top of her hair as he pressed his lips to her forehead.
“All right then. Cuddle puddle it is.” He tightened his grip around her waist, fingers tracing patterns on her stomach. “I love you, Lucy,” Natsu whispers, tucking her head under his chin. Lucy trembled in his arms, squeezing her eyes closed tightly, dreading what she would find when she opened them again.
“I love you too, Natsu. So much.” A quiet sob escaped her as her eyes opened against her will. He was gone. Still gone. The only warmth in her bed was the heat of her tears soaking his scarf, and Happy, sleeping on the pillow next to her. He stirred slowly and moved over to cuddle against her.
“Did you have a dream again?” he asked softly, wrapping his tail around her arm when she pulled him against her chest tightly. She nodded, unable to speak through the sorrow that had a vice grip on her throat. Happy fell silent for a long time, until she stopped trembling.
“Maybe we should go to the guild today…” he suggested softly. Lucy nodded and pushed herself up slowly, letting him go.
“Let’s eat at the guild then…I don’t think I have much in the kitchen,” she mumbled. She got dressed and waited for him beside the door. Her eyes fell on her keys, but she looked away, leaving them behind. She hadn’t summoned a spirit since that day, and she certainly didn’t want Loke popping up uninvited. Happy scooped up Natsu’s scarf from the bed and handed it to Lucy,
“It’s cold out there. You need to stay warm,” he said, flying down the stairs ahead of her. Lucy wrapped it around her neck before locking her apartment. She didn’t bother to tell him that she hadn’t been warm since Natsu’s death.
When Gray had brought her the scarf it had still been warm from Natsu’s heat. She had stared at it, confused. The battle was over; they’d heard the dragon’s scream of pain when Natsu ended its life. Why would he send his scarf up to her now? Gray refused to answer. He couldn’t even look at her as he told her that the dragon had taken Natsu with him.
That didn’t make sense at all. Taken him where? She could see the monster’s wings from where she stood above the crater Natsu had made in the fight. They hadn’t gone anywhere! It wasn’t until he wrapped it around her neck loosely and told her that Natsu had asked him to bring it to her that Lucy understood what he was trying to tell her.
This wasn’t happening. It couldn’t be. Natsu had promised her forever, and that wasn’t a promise he would break. She stumbled toward the edge of the crater, shaking her head. It was a joke. Or Gray had misunderstood. He wouldn’t let her get any closer, no matter how much she screamed or begged.
Natsu didn’t answer her pleading either. The only response she got was the echo of her pain, reverberating around them like a cruel reminder. It had taken both Gray and Loke to drag her away from the crater. Only a sleeping spell from Wendy had brought quiet to the area, now broken only by the soft sobs coming from the rest of the team.
They didn’t understand, any of them. Not even Happy really knew the truth. Natsu wasn’t the only one who died that day. Lucy’s heart was broken, and there was no way to heal the grief that was slowly destroying her soul.
The walk to the guild seemed to take longer every time she made it. The earliest flurries of a snowstorm were beginning to float down from the sky. Lucy tucked her chin down into the scarf, closing her eyes against the sharp sting of unshed tears.
It smelled less and less like him, slowly becoming tainted by the chill of death that she felt creeping into her whole world. Nothing was warm now. Nothing was bright. Everywhere she looked she saw shadows of the life she had before.
Ahead of her Happy hovered in the road, waiting for her to catch up. Natsu stood beside him, trademark grin splitting his face as he held his hand out toward her. But it was just another lie created by her heart. She longed to take his hand and let him drag her away onto the next great adventure, but when she blinked again he was gone. Still gone.
The guild hall was the worst place besides her apartment. It was infested with the ghost of him. Every table, every corner, even the library was filled with images, memories of her life with him that manifested in the rooms, tormenting her. Still, if she didn’t leave her house, the others would come looking for her, and she didn’t want to worry them unnecessarily.
Mira already had a plate of strawberry waffles waiting for her when she sat down at the bar. “Welcome back, Lucy. It’s good to see you,” Mira said with her usual smile. It did nothing to mask the concern in her eyes. They were all concerned for her. It had been eight months since Team Natsu had returned without the slayer, and Lucy had only been to the guild a handful of times. She’d taken jobs around Magnolia to pay her rent, but she was barely scraping by.
It wasn’t their concern that kept her away. It wasn’t even the ghosts of Natsu, brushing against her with phantom warmth, or the whispered memory of his cackling voice calling for her. No, what kept her away from everyone but Happy was their pity. She couldn’t take the sting of it digging into her heart and the warmth leaking from her soul at the same time.
Mira watched Lucy push her waffles around on the plate, staring emptily toward the request board. Losing Natsu had been hard on the whole guild. She didn’t think she’d ever be able to get the sight of Gray walking in carrying an unconscious Lucy in his arms followed by Erza who just waited by the door and called for the master.
Mira had never hated being the master’s assistant until that moment. Having to follow him out to the wagon Erza was guarding and see the man she had known all her life lying lifeless on the floor…it was almost enough to break her again.
“Lucy, you should eat something,” Mira said gently. Some of the others thought she should have started pulling through by now, but Mira knew better. There was no end to grief. No moment that the absence just stopped hurting. Lucy would never recover from this. Not fully. Just as she and Elfman would never recover from losing Lisanna, even if it had only been temporary.
Lucy’s glassy eyes returned to Mira slowly and she glanced down at the plate, then pushed it away. “I um…I ate at home. Will you tell Happy I’m gonna go to the park and the grave? I…I wanna see the tree before the snow…”
“Of course. Try not to get too cold, okay?” she said gently. Lucy nodded and slipped out of the guild hall. Snow had begun piling up in corners, swept against ledges, and trapped by the occasional leaf pile that still hung around the city.
She took her time on the walk, allowing herself to feel the cold as it crept into her skin. This was the first winter without him and, truthfully, it was her first winter alone. When she was young, she’d had the mansion and Ms. Spetto. She’d known the cold only as a novelty. It came, bringing the snow with it, and new games to play.
When she’d run away, she found Natsu before winter set in, and they’d been together almost constantly since then. Even on the year he was gone, she hadn’t been alone. She’d been in Crocus, working too much to notice the cold.
But now…he was gone, and she was alone. The cold wrapped around her like a blanket, driving her breath out in short, panting gasps. The tree was beautiful, with snow piling up against its roots and making the leaves glitter as it melted on them. The memory of Natsu grinning at her over the Mayor’s shoulder as he was chastised for digging it up played out in her mind. How much he’d loved her, even then, ripped the wound of his absence open even further.
Lucy left it behind, continuing along the road out of town. With the cold seeping into her bones and the storm kicking into gear, there was one more place she needed to be before Happy found her and took her home.
The headstone in the churchyard next to her parents sat above empty ground. It had been placed there by the Mayor, out of respect for all that Natsu had done for the city, and the kingdom over the years. But when it came time for the funeral, Lucy was having none of it. There was no way in any world that Natsu would want to be buried in the middle of town.
So Lucy had him buried on the cliff that overlooked his favorite fishing spot. It was where she spent most of her time now, leaning against his headstone, sometimes begging him to come back or raging at him for leaving her. But most of the time she sat in silence and watched time pass by his side.
By the time she reached the stone, the storm was raging, blanketing the world in white, and filling her ears with the screams of the wind. She sat in front of the headstone, fingers tracing over the Fairy Tail emblem carved there. Tugging his scarf up over her mouth and nose, she shifted to lay against the stone.
Happy would find her soon, but for now, she was tired from walking out here against the wind. She closed her eyes, pressing her forehead against the cold stone. Resting here beside him sounded wonderful. Happy would find her soon. She just hoped she would have enough time beside Natsu before he did.
The shivering was annoying, but she could already feel it starting to slow. It wasn't so bad, sleeping in the snow. She was even starting to feel kinda warm. She knew that was a delusion, but it was one she embraced readily. The tiniest flare of warmth was the closest she could get to him now.
She was just starting to wonder if she would dream of him, laying here against his headstone, when she felt the gentle brush of familiar calloused fingers over her forehead. She smiled slightly and breathed out a gentle sigh. "Natsu..." she pushed herself up slowly, turning her head to kiss his palm when he cupped her cheek. She looked around, furrowing her brow slightly. "Where are we? This isn't one of my normal dreams."
The headstone and storm were gone. Instead, she was sitting in a wide, rolling field of golden grass. Natsu squatted in front of her, a sad smile on his face. “You aren’t supposed to be here,” he mumbled, pulling her to her feet.
She pouted at him. “Wow, thanks. I missed you too,” she grumbled. A reluctant laugh bubbled out of him, and he pulled her into his arms, kissing her softly. The warmth that enveloped her nearly made her moan out loud. For the first time in months, she felt the heat reaching her heart and mending her broken spirit.
“Of course I missed you. So much. I never meant to leave you. But…Lucy, you aren’t supposed to be here yet. What did you do?”
Lucy shrugged. “Nothing. I’m just taking a nap until Happy finds me.”
Natsu lifted her chin slightly, his eyebrows were pinched together in concern. “Lucy, this isn’t a dream.”
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Loke was wondering if Lucy was doing any better than the last time he’d checked on her when multiple cries of anguish rippled across the celestial realm. There was only one reason so many spirits would cry out like this. Their contracts had been broken. He clutched at his heart and staggered through the golden gate that opened beside him.
“No. Gods, please no,” he whispered. He found himself standing beside the grave Lucy had picked for Natsu. Nearly a foot of snow covered the ground around him, including a lump against the headstone. “Lucy!”
He brushed the snow off of her head and felt his heart shatter all over again. She looked like she was sleeping happily, a gentle smile lifting the corners of her lips. But her skin was blue and completely cold to the touch. He slammed his fists into the ground beside her, unable to stop the rage-filled roar of pain that ripped from his throat.
He dragged her into his lap, tears soaking into her frozen hair. “You idiot…why didn’t you bring your keys?! I could have….I would have….Fuck!” He held her, letting his grief flow freely until the sun had risen fully and the snow sparkled around them. The guild….someone had to take her home.
With a shuddering inhale he set her down and shrugged out of his suit jacket, covering her torso with it to hide her iced complexion. He kept her face turned against his chest and began the long, torturous walk back to Fairy Tail.
As he approached the building, he swallowed hard and called out to the redhead who was opening the door. “Erza!” He didn’t bother to hide the brokenness of his voice. She looked back at him, and he saw her tense.
“No. Not again. Not her,” she whispered, approaching him.
“I-I need you to get the Master. Please, I don’t want to carry her through there in front of everyone.”
Erza hesitated just long enough to brush her fingertips gently over Lucy’s cheek, then turned and vanished inside. Loke waited for them at the side of the building, out of the view of the streets. He couldn’t tear his eyes away from her peaceful smile.
“Oh gods, no,” Mira gasped, covering her mouth. Master Makarov stood beside her in silence, his chin tucked against his chest.
“May they find peace together,” he whispered, backing away as the rest of Lucy’s team rounded the corner.
For nearly a month the only sounds that came from the Fairy Tail guild were the sounds of loss. In less than a year, Fairy Tail had lost two of its most prominent members. The two people who were single-handedly responsible for bringing it back to life, more than once.
Lucy’s name was added to Natsu’s stone in the cemetery beside her parents, but no one in the guild had any doubts about where she would want to be. They laid her to rest on the cliffside beside Natsu. It was the perfect spot for them both. Natsu had his fishing spot, and the stars that glittered above them in the night were the brightest in the city.
“Do you think they found each other?” Happy asked, staring at the new memorial that stood over Lucy beside Natsu’s.
“I know they did. She had the most peaceful, happy smile on her face. I’m sure they found each other and are waiting for the rest of you,” Loke answered patting his head gently. He handed Happy Lucy’s pouch of keys. “Can you make sure these get to Yukino? There’s no one else Lucy would have trusted with us…and we’ll trust her judgment. You’ll be okay, won’t you?”
Happy held them tightly and nodded, looking down the hill where Wendy and Lisanna were waiting. He knew it wasn’t going to be easy, but he nodded. “Yeah…I’m not alone. And I’m pretty sure Lucy would be mad if I followed them too soon.”
Loke let out a sad chuckle. “You’re right about that. When you do get to see her again…give her our love.”
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Lucy reached up slowly and wiped a tear from his face. “Natsu? You’re crying…” She stretched up to kiss him again, basking in the contact. None of her dreams had let her do this. He would whisper that he loved her, and she would wake up if she even tried to look at him. His hands slid into her hair and held her tightly against him.
She pressed her forehead against his collarbone when he released her, basking in his scent. It wrapped around her mind, welcoming her home. After a long moment, she finally spoke, barely a whisper. “This isn’t a dream?”
He shook his head, kissing the side of her head. “No baby. What did you do?”
She pulled back and looked up at him, a conflict of emotions raging inside her. “I…I fell asleep next to you….er, your headstone. In a blizzard. I just kept thinking Happy would find me before I had spent enough time beside you…Oh, gods…H-Happy,” she whispered, covering her mouth.
Guilt tore at her for leaving him, and yet, there was more joy inside her than she had felt in nearly a year. Natsu was beside her, real and warm and hers again. Seeing the panic bleeding into her eyes, Natsu shushed her gently. “There’s nothing you can do about that now. The others will help him through it.”
He reached up and tugged his scarf that was still wrapped around her neck. “So, do I get this back now?”
“Only to make it smell like you again, but then I want it back. You gave it to me, right?”
He chuckled and nodded. “That’s fine I guess. Dad’s here anyway, so it’s not like I need it to feel closer to him anymore.” He wrapped his arm around her hip and led her slowly up the hill.
“What do you mean your dad is here?” she asked. Her arm snaked around his waist in return, and she pressed tightly against his side.
“Well, this is the After. Everyone is here. Even my birth parents. You’re gonna love them!” he crowed, grinning down at her. “Oh, and you were right Lucy!”
“I…I was?”
He nodded with a grin, tugging her up to the top of the hill where six other people were waiting for them. Lucy stared in pure shock, her eyes moving from the massive form of Igneel to a man with pink hair and a woman with Natsu’s eyes who had her arm around a grinning Zeref.
“Your mom IS awesome. And she totally loves me.” When her eyes landed on her parents, smiling warmly at her, she felt her knees give out and Natsu caught her around the waist, pulling her against his chest again. “I got ya.”
Lucy’s fingers twisted into his vest, and she buried her face against his neck. Waves of emotion washed over her, momentarily burying the joy at their reunion. Instead, she grieved. She grieved for the loss of her life and for the pain she had caused her friends.
He held her close, letting her get what she needed out. He knew how bad it hurt to realize you were dead. What he couldn’t imagine was how much worse it must be for Lucy who also felt shame for the way she’d died, and guilt for the unrelenting happiness that filled her soul again. She shouldn’t be happy to be dead!
Gentle hands brushed her shoulders and Natsu turned her slowly, so her back was against his chest. His arms still wrapped around her waist tightly. Layla smiled, brushing Lucy’s tears away slowly. She was murmuring soft, comforting words to her daughter, but Lucy was only half listening. She was more focused on how right it felt to be in his arms again. She turned her head slightly and felt his lips brush lightly against her temple in a soft kiss.
“Welcome to forever Lucy,” he whispered.