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"So Martin, chat-up lines. What are your sure-fire winners?"
"Oh for God's sake Douglas, you really are scraping the bottom of the barrel for entertainment now."
"Well, given that we've been sitting in this damp portacabin for days on stand-by, that is true. Even Carolyn and Arthur seem to have abandoned us. Still, if you won't share the secrets of your success, what do you think their chat-up lines are?"
"I'm not thinking about a sex life for either of them, thank you very much."
"Heavens no, we're not going that far. Hmmmm.... I think Arthur would have to be: let's shag! It'll be brilliant!"
"Oh God, you're probably right. That is sort of funny."
"And Carolyn's would be: Bedroom! Now!"
"Not very subtle that."
"No, she doesn't put up with fools gladly, present company excepted of course, and I bet that goes for her love life too."
"Oh stuff you, Douglas, so what do you think Herc's line is?"
"Old smarmpot Shipwright? With women in general he probably starts off with a Shakespearean sonnet and builds from there. With Carolyn I suspect it's more like: yes mistress, how do you want me?"
"Ewww, can we please stop thinking about Carolyn in bed?"
"Fair enough, so Martin, what are your best lines?"
"Oh... ah.... well... I respect women too much to--"
"What nonsense. You've never managed to pull like that, have you? I bet you've always been picked up and probably didn't realise what was happening until they had you half-naked anyway. I'm right, aren't I?"
"I'm not dignifing that with a response. What about you? I assume you've an entire folio of lines?"
"Not at all. I don't use chat-up lines. I like taking the time to get to know someone and then if that naturally leads somewhere.... well, so be it."
"I don't believe you. I don't see how you possibly had the time to get to know a thousand stewardesses."
"Well.... I do admit that sometimes I can get to know them pretty quickly, but I assure you, in those cases they are the ones dragging me into the storage closet."
"Oh sure, boast about all the action you get, like always. You know I've never actually seen you chat up anyone, even since your divorce. We've got time to kill. Show me how you'd do it. How would you try and chat me up?"
"How would I chat up my young captain? That is an interesting question. Well, first I'd consider what kind of man you are. Shy, low self-esteem--"
"Hey--"
"Don't interuppt. This is an important part of the process. As I was saying, not very confident and - given the history of our relationship - likely to think I am teasing if I try and flatter you. So in your case, I'd make it about body language, I'd move over onto your sofa and sit next to you--"
"Douglas! You're awfully close...."
"Like I said, sit right next to you, and catch your face in my hand, run a thumb over those lovely high cheekbones, tease the edge of your mouth, hinting at my intentions all the while, and then I'd brush your mouth with mine, just like this...."
"Douglas! Oh. Oh...."
"Hmmm....."
"Oh God..."
"Douglas will do. Or sir if you must."
"Oh stuff you. So... um... now what happens?"
"Well the thing with you is you never trust your good luck. So I'd have to kiss you again to prove the first time wasn't a fluke. And then cuddle on the sofa to prove I didn't just want to kiss. And eventually this boring day will be over and I can take you home and show you how much fun cuddling can be without your clothes on. And then I'll have to do it again to prove that wasn't a fluke. And about six months after you finally move in with me, you'll realise that I'd successfully picked you up and we're in a relationship."
"Oh. Well. Right. So this entire conversation was...."
"Well spotted, young sir. This entire conversation was my pick-up line to you. Did it work?"
"You know, I rather think it did. Kiss me again to make sure?"
"My pleasure, Captain."