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This wasn't supposed to happen.
Sunghoon stands in front of the fire, unable to fully grasp the situation. There's a house burning ablaze before him. Jay is struggling to get out of Niki's and Jungwon's arms and run straight to the fire. Heeseung and Jake are frozen, just staring at the fire as if it were consuming their soul. Sunoo...
Sunoo is in there.
That can't be right. His brother can't be there, he'll get hurt. He's in danger, he's not supposed to be in danger, he's supposed to be safe. They're supposed to be safe, to enjoy their lives without the burden of immortality.
Sunoo is still in there.
"Sunoo?" a soft whisper comes from Heeseung and Sunghoon turns to his brother. Heeseung stands before the fire and slowly starts walking towards it with shaky steps. Sunghoon runs up to him and places a hand on his chest, effectively snapping him out of his trance.
Heeseung looks at him and Sunghoon sees so much pain inside those eyes. The light of the fire is reflected into his brother's eyes but even then, Sunghoon can't see the flames clearly. Heeseung's eyes are drowned in confusion, desperation and tears. They move frantically, going back to the fire and staring at it. Looking, searching, scanning for something he can't really find.
Something breaks and soon Heeseung collapses. Sunghoon falls to his knees with his brother who seems petrified as he looks at the fire. Jay's struggles intensify along with Jake's cries.
"Hee," Sunghoon calls out. "Hee, what is happening? Where's Sunoo? Tell me, where's my brother?" he asks, despair dripping from his words. He knows the answer but he can't face it. He's unable to turn around and look at the fire.
He keeps calling out to his brother, drowning him in questions that eventually turn into sobs and wails as he receives no answer. The fire burns his back and he feels like he'll drown in this emptiness that fills his chest. He grabs Heeseung's shirt like a lifeline, holding on to the last sliver of hope he has left.
"Sun-..." Heeseung tries, only to be interrupted by a sob. He starts crying and something in Sunghoon's mind clicks. That last glimmer of hope slips between his fingers and he's left with the realization of what has just happened.
Sunoo died.
He cries even harder. Sobs wreck his body, tears fall from his eyes and the fire burns. The flames burn his back, burn a hole in his heart where his brother is supposed to be. The flames consume his thoughts as he holds to Heeseung in an attempt to find some solace. The fire razes everything.
This wasn't supposed to happen.
He opens the door to Jake's chamber and he is met with a pair of bloodshot eyes that penetrate the darkness and stare right at him. He takes a deep breath before entering the chamber, making his way to his brother's bed as he carries a plate of hot dumplings.
After the fire, Sunghoon had helped Jungwon and Niki carry their remaining brothers back to the house as none of them were responding. It had been a couple of days after that and Heeseung and Jake still refused to come out of their rooms. Heeseung would stay awake and look at the ceiling, his mind lost in thought and drunk in a haze. He barely got any sleep, the few hours he could manage were often interrupted by nightmares and him waking up screaming and crying. Jake on the other hand could do nothing but cry. The door was always closed yet everyone could hear the heart-wrenching sobs that came from inside.
Sunoo's death had affected all of them. Today felt gloomy. The skies were covered with clouds, as they had been ever since Sunoo died. The clouds seemed to turn darker as the smell of wet soil made its way into the house, a storm neared. Niki felt especially down today, probably having exhausted all of his energy during the last few days trying to stay strong for them but at the end of the day, he had also lost his brother. Jungwon had made some dumplings in an attempt to comfort his brother.
Sunghoon leaves the plate of dumplings on the night table and sits on the bed, facing Jake. His brother's eyes followed every moment yet he said nothing. Sunghoon takes a deep breath before speaking.
"Eat something," he begs him. "Please".
Jake looks at him, his eyes are lost but he nods. He helps his brother into a sitting position and hands him some chopsticks. Jake's hands tremble as he picks up the first dumpling and takes it to his mouth. Silent tears start streaming down his face as he eats it and Sunghoon is somehow relieved that his brother is eating something.
"It's cold," Jake whispers as more tears fall from his eyes. He swallows and takes another, his hands trembling even more than before.
Jake manages to eat 3 dumplings before he breaks down sobbing. He takes his hands to his face, in a futile attempt to hide the tears. Sunghoon wraps his arms around Jake and can only listen to his brother as he dissolves in laments and apologies.
"I'm sorry," Jake says over and over. "It's my fault, it's all my fault".
Sunghoon tells him that it's not his fault, that he couldn't have known, that there was nothing they could've done. Jake doesn't listen, he only sobs harder. After a while, Sunghoon starts crying too. He can't stop the tears that start falling from his eyes as his mind travels back to the fire, to Sunoo.
The fire still burns his back, the only thing that grounds him and tells him that it hadn't been a dream. It wasn't a dream he could just wake up from, none of this was. No, the sorrow is too real, too raw for it to be a dream. Jake's wails and apologies are too real for this to be a dream because not even in his worst nightmares could he imagine this, the shadow of his brother sobbing in his embrace like this, this heartbroken, this hopeless.
He holds Jake tighter as he closes his eyes.
There's a burden on his shoulders that he can't carry anymore. It's pressing on the back of his mind and he can't take it anymore.
He had been the one who had led Selene to them, to Sunoo.
He should've seen it coming. The laughs, the warm gazes, the soft smiles. How much of that had been a lie? How much of that had been just Selene playing with his brain, pretending to be Sooha so she could get to him? Had any of the moments they shared been real at all?
And the worst part of it was that he had fallen for it. He had walked straight to the trap, he had told Sooha... no. He had told Selene their location, the place they would use to hide from the world and spend their remaining years in peace. She had been with them, helping them in the greenhouse and cooking with them. She had lied to them, her true intentions hiding behind that bright smile.
"Jay," he says one day. "I-I need to tell you something".
His brother turns around, his eyes leaving the stove and the soup he was cooking and focusing on him instead. Sunghoon swallows. This is it, he thinks to himself. This is the moment he tells his family what he had done, what he can never forgive himself for.
"I-..." he hesitates for a moment. "I was the one who told Selene our location".
The world seems to pause for a moment. The air becomes tense as the silence covers the room like a blanket. Jay looks at him with a puzzled look, trying to make sense of what Sunghoon has just told him. The seconds go by and it feels like an eternity before Jay starts walking towards him. Sunghoon lets out a breath of relief, his brother understands.
Jay's hands wrap around his neck.
Jay raises him until Sunghoon's feet no longer touch the ground and moves forward until Sunghoon can feel his back slam against the wall. He struggles and trashes around in an attempt to escape, to get some air into his system.
"J-Jay," he chokes out. "L-let go".
He wraps his hands around his brother's, trying to rip his fingers off of his neck but is ultimately unable to. His eyes start to water.
" 'm so-... rry... " he manages as he looks into his brother's eyes. Jay's eyes, who once were the source of strength and comfort were now clouded with rage and hatred.
Maybe he deserved this. This is his punishment. He had been a fool to think he deserved comfort and forgiveness after what he had done. He deserved this, to die a traitor's death. To die by his brother's hand.
His struggles weaken as he accepts his punishment. At least he hopes that fate comes to him quickly, a sort of last grace the universe would grant him. An honor he knows he's unworthy of. He closes his eyes, praying to the heavens above to be kind, to take him to his brother's side.
He feels Jay's hands being ripped from him and he crumbles to the ground. Sunghoon doesn't know what happened, his brain focuses on how the air floods his lungs and his entire ribcage feels on fire. He feels soft hands rub his back, gentle hands. Jungwon's.
His brother sits next to him, trying with all his might to get Sunghoon to calm down and stabilize his breathing. He gasps and tries to get air into his being as fast as possible, an attempt to put out the fire that burns his chest. He coughs here and there, his throat feeling like it will be torn apart with every cough.
He looks up and now sees Jungwon's eyes.
"You're okay," he tells him, his eyes swelling up with tears. "You're safe".
Sunghoon wants to talk but only manages a broken wheeze, like an animal. He takes one hand to his throat and as soon as it makes contact with his skin, he yanks it away. Flames extend on his skin, carving paths of pain as they move. He cries out, prompting Jungwon to start asking questions. Is he okay? Does it hurt? Where does it hurt?
Sunghoon can only focus on breathing.
The room is quiet as Sunghoon watches the garden from his window. A line of cypresses separates their little oasis from the forest that extends beyond the horizon. Sunghoon doesn't really know who planted them or why they are there but they are. They draw a line between what is safe, what is their home and the unknown, the dangers that the forest might imply.
His eyes move when he hears the door opening. Jungwon enters the room making as little sound as possible in case Sunghoon had been asleep. After he sees him awake, his brother lets out a sigh of relief.
"I brought you some food," he tells him, signaling to the plate of oranges his holding. Sunghoon just nods, not emitting a sound and his brother gives him a sad smile. "You know, I think you could try talking. I'm sure it'll be fine".
Sunghoon shakes his head and turns around to fetch a notepad from the small desk behind him, along with a pen. He turns back around to his brother and starts writing on the notepad.
"Thanks for the food," the notepad reads. After what had happened, Sunghoon had lost any confidence in speaking. It had started as a pure necessity, his entire felt like it was on fire every time he opened his mouth.
"It's okay," Jungwon thinks it's something else but it doesn't change the fact that Sunghoon won't speak.
They stay silenced for a moment as Jungwon stares at the window. His eyes don't wander along the line of cypresses like Sunghoon had. Instead, they go somewhere else, somewhere beyond the forest and the horizon. His brother furrows his eyebrows, lost in thoughts. Sunghoon can only imagine what is going on inside his head. Sunghoon hasn't left his bedroom at all since the incident. The door has been locked from the outside so it's not like he can leave anyway, nor does he want to.
"Is everything okay?" he writes on the notepad and shows it to his brother.
"Yeah, it's just-" Jungwon flips his hair back with his hand. "Jay is quite... Unstable right now. I don't want to risk anything".
"Is that why my door is locked?" he writes. Jungwon gives him an apologetic smile.
"Yeah, sorry about that".
"It's okay".
"You know, Jay told us about... What you told him," Jungwon looks at him with sadness, yet he seems to understand. "Do you wanna talk about it?" Sunghoon shakes his head. "Sunghoon..."
"It's my fault," he croaks out and he regrets it immediately after. His voice is hoarse after not speaking for days and tears cloud his vision. His mind feels heavy and he's about to cry.
"No, no," Jungwon coos and runs to his side. He stands before Sunghoon and the letter can't but let out a sob that feels like fire to his throat. "Come here," Jungwon says as he opens his arms.
Sunghoon melts into the hug and he doesn't hold back. His throat and his lungs burn but he can't stop the sobs and the tears that pool from his eyes. It's his fault. His fault. He thought that she loved him, that they meant something. He trusted her and now Sunoo is dead. His brother, his little sunshine is dead and it's his fault. He had died in a fire, burned alive. The worst pain a soul can experience, that's what Sunghoon had given his brother. He doesn't deserve forgiveness, he doesn't deserve redemption.
"You couldn't have known." Jungwon caresses his hair. "You didn't want this, it's not your fault".
It's his fault. He knows it and there's nothing that would change the fact that he had told her where they were. They were supposed to be safe here. They were safe here, away from the dangers of the city and protected by the forest and the line of cypresses. It was enough, he thought it was enough.
"It's not your fault," his brother repeats again and again and Sunghoon cries harder.
Jay should've killed him that day.
Niki is the one who visits him this time.
It's the middle of the afternoon when his brother enters the room. He brings a book with him and he is very cautious when he asks if he can stay with Sunghoon for what's left of the day. Sunghoon had been worried at first, afraid that an argument had broken out between his brothers. Turns out Niki was just running away from his chores.
Niki sits on Sunghoon's bed and Sunghoon sits in front of the small desk that faces the window. The sun shines outside and he's decided that today's a good day to paint. He takes out some watercolors, brushes and paper he had stored in a drawer and starts painting. He starts out with flowers and trees he sees outside. The colors start mixing and the brushstrokes become more delicate as he starts outlining a landscape this time. The blue of the skies makes the yellow spots meant to represent cornflowers pop even more. He holds his breath as he paints some butterflies, knowing well that a wrong move can result in a disaster as the paint is still wet. The more he paints, the more he immerses himself in the flower field. He can feel the wind hitting his face as he runs through it. The sun hits his skin but the day isn't hot at all. He enjoys the feeling. The sun, the itchiness from the leaves on his ankles, the freedom.
"Can I ask you a question?" Niki asks, snapping him from his thoughts.
Sunghoon turns around so he's facing his brother. Niki has lowered his book, which now rests open on his chest as the youngest looks at him. Sunghoon nods, the painting can wait.
"Back in the forest, when we fought, why did you hold back?" Niki asks. Sunghoon doesn't understand at first but after some seconds his eyes shine with recognition. Ah, they're talking about that.
The fight they had before they became mortal.
"I didn't want to hurt you, Niki. It was never my intention" he says.
"Then why did-"
"It was all part of the plan".
"Plan? What plan?" Niki asks and Sunghoon takes a deep breath.
"For us to become mortal, it had to be done during a full moon," he begins. "She said she needed my power, that I was the only one that could do it. She... she told me not to tell you, that it needed to be a secret" he lets out a bitter laugh, looking away. "Looking back, I was a fool".
"Hoon..."
"I was," he says. "We've been family for centuries, so why did this have to be a secret? It was the most important decision of our lifetime and I thought it was okay to keep it a secret because she told me to".
They stay quiet, neither of them knowing what to say. The air feels heavy as Sunghoon tells Niki his secret. Not really a secret, he hasn't told anyone because of everything that's happened. It feels like centuries have passed but it had barely been weeks. With all that's happened, he hasn't had the time to tell this to anyone. A part of him still refuses to do so. He's ashamed of him, of himself.
"I don't regret it," Niki is the one who breaks the silence. "Mortality. I don't regret it".
"I do".
"You shouldn't," Niki's eyes are soft. So is his voice. "You gave us something we didn't know we were missing".
"Pain?" Sunghoon says, his mind going back to Sunoo.
"A life Sunghoon," Niki says and his words weigh on his soul.
"We were born immortal Sunghoon," the younger continues. "We didn't know what the passage of time meant, what a life felt like. I can see the sun, I go outside after centuries without being afraid" he says and his eyes sparkle. "I can feel, Sunghoon. Every day is different from the day that came before and the one that'll come tomorrow".
"So please, seize this life," Niki begs. "Seize this life that you gifted us".
"I-"
"For Sunoo," Niki interrupts him and Sunghoon bites back the tears that threaten to fall from his eyes.
"For Sunoo," he simply says. A phrase that his brother had once told him starts repeating in his brain like a broken record.
Carpe diem. Seize the day.
"How much more do we have to walk?" Sunghoon asks.
"We've only been walking for 15 minutes," Heeseung tells him.
"I'm tired".
"Come on, we're not that far away".
Despite not being far away, they walked for another 25 minutes. This was the first time that he had left the house. Jungwon had unlocked his door a few days ago and it had taken him some effort to get used to the house dynamics again after weeks of isolation. Heeseung had apparently talked to Jungwon and he had agreed that Sunghoon needed some fresh air. Heeseung had been so happy when Jungwon approved him taking Sunghoon to the forest, talking about a place he wanted to show him. He would go on and on about how amazing this place was, how he would love it and he kept reminding Sunghoon to take his watercolors and brushes because the place was so magical and so on.
"How much longer?" he asks again.
"It's a surprise, come on".
"Heeseung, if you're taking me to the same lake Jake keeps talking about, I swear to god-".
"Come," Heeseung grabs his hand and walks faster. Sunghoon would've complained if he hadn't been so focused on not tripping with the multiple roots that poked from the ground. His eyes are fixed on the floor so he doesn't fall over. "Here," Heeseung says and stops abruptly. Sunghoon looks up from the ground and he freezes.
There's a small pond in the middle of the forest clearing but that's not what he finds mesmerizing. Right at the edge of the pond stands a lonely willow tree. It might be the biggest one Sunghoon has ever seen, its roots extending to their feet, a few meters away. Its branches fall and they form a green curtain that gently touches the pond. So gently that it creates no ripples, giving the illusion of a mirror, allowing the green curtain to extend forever inside of the reflection.
"I found it the other day. Thought you might like it," his brother says as he lets go of his hand and starts walking to the tree. "Come on, it's safe here," he says. They sit under the tree, their back resting on the trunk. Heeseung opens the bag he had been carrying and takes out a bottle of orange juice he had prepared. "You're the only one that knows about this place. I thought you might enjoy it. It's quiet and there's good lighting if you ever want to come here to paint".
"I-" Before he can continue, Heeseung places a glass of juice on his hands. "Thank you".
They sit in silence and Sunghoon takes a minute to admire his surroundings. Lush trees cover the path they walked to get here and the forest looks dense from this angle. Different shades of green come forward, some teal, some a yellowish green as his eyes go from one tree to another. Sage, emerald and deep green mix with each other under the shade of the forest. He can hear the birds singing but he sees none of them, probably hidden behind the leaves and branches. He doesn't mind and he continues looking at the leaves and their endless shades of green.
An orange spot appears in the middle of the sea of greens and Sunghoon wonders what could that be. Maybe an orange tree, although it's very unlikely so perhaps it's a bird. He is confused when he sees another one appear, and then another one. Three orange dots turn into six, then into nine and soon enough, there are so many of them that he can't count them. He squints his eyes, trying to focus on them. His face lights up as he figures it out.
Tens of butterflies start flying their way and Sunghoon can't help but smile. Butterflies. Tens, maybe hundreds of them. They fly and the sky is soon covered in orange. His eyes shine as he watches the butterflies, their wings moving through the air with a grace he hopes to capture when he paints them. He tries to memorize the color of their wings, the way the sunlight hits the orange and illuminates them even further. He tries to memorize the way the pale blue sky contrasts with the orange and how ethereal everything feels.
"How did you find this place?" he asks his brother, still not taking his eyes from the butterflies.
"I spend a lot of time in the forest, you know?"
"Heeseung, this isn't precisely close to our house," he says and he takes his eyes from the sky. The butterflies are flying away, so now he can afford to look at his brother. Heeseung sighs.
"It was one of the first times I ventured into the forest after Sunoo died," he begins as he shifts his position so he can watch the remaining butterflies. Sunghoon doesn't, his eyes are fixed on his brother. "I didn't know the forest that well. I lost track of time and as soon I as noticed, I was already lost. It was getting late and I really needed to get back home so I started making my way back..."
"But-".
"I started walking in the opposite direction".
"Oh God," Sunghoon laughs. "It's a miracle you're not dead".
"Yeah," Heeseung laughs with him. "I went in circles and eventually I stumbled with this place. It felt like it had been calling for me". He lets out a soft smile.
"It's a nice place," is all Sunghoon says. Heeseung finally looks back at him and he smiles.
"I'm glad you liked it," he says as he gets up. "I'll get going. Do you know the way back?"
"I think so".
"I'll come fetch you in a couple of hours, I don't trust you," he says as he starts walking away. Just before he ventures into the forest again, Sunghoon calls him.
"Hee," he says and the older one turns around. "That pull you talked about, like this place was calling you?"
"Yeah, what about it?"
"I think that was Sunoo".
Heeseung smiles and he looks at the willow tree, shielding Sunghoon from the sunlight.
"I think so too".
Sunghoon sits under the shade of the willow tree again.
By now, he has been here more times than he can count. Heeseung comes from time to time but it has pretty much become his own place by now, his little garden. There's a soft breeze hitting his face and he closes his eyes, resting against the tree trunk. He opens them again and his gaze travels to the letter he holds in his hands.
Sooha's letter.
He had found the envelope hidden away inside a drawer and he had decided that, if he were to read it, it had to be here. He felt safe under the tree, like nothing could hurt him. Now that he had finished the letter, he realized the content itself wasn't too bad, that those few sentences written in elegant calligraphy weren't meant to hurt him. It stings a little bit knowing that Sooha had no memories of them, but maybe this was for the best. Now, no one knew where they were, their little heaven would be safe for however time they had left.
He puts the letter in his pocket and looks at the forest before him, letting his mind wander.
"Hey Sunoo," he whispers to the nothingness. He can't really explain it but he feels Sunoo when he's in this place. He's sure that if Sunoo's soul is anywhere on this planet, he's sure that it is here, under the willow tree.
"Things are getting better Sunoo", he starts. He has made it a habit to talk to his brother once in a while when he comes here. He doesn't do it every single time, but right now, after reading that letter, he feels like he needs it.
"Heeseung and Jake are never home. They are either at the beach or the lake," he says. "It wouldn't be too much of a problem if they did their chores before they leave but they don't"
He remembers one time he had joined them. The first and probably last time he would ever agree to come with them. They were always trying to convince their brothers to join and that time he had given in and had decided to accompany them. If Sunghoon had thought that the willow tree was a long walk from the house, it was because he hadn't been to the lake before, the one Jake always talked about. He felt like he was about to cough a lung out by the time they got there. The path was more complicated than the one to the tree, there were fewer trees along the way, so that meant less shade, and he tripped once and he scratched his knees. Never again.
"Jungwon and Niki..." he sighs. "Oh please, you're the only one who would be able to tell those two to take a break. Jay comes close but I'm serious, they need a rest".
It was an unspoken truth in the house that Jungwon wouldn't allow himself to break. His will wouldn't budge nor crack and Niki had followed right behind him. There were some days when Niki would crack. You could see it in his eyes, how he was so tired and how much he needed Sunoo. Jungwon, on the other hand, never let his wall down. Never. No matter how bad the day was, how much the air weighed, Jungwon never budged. His eyes were filled with strength, a seemingly endless source of support.
"Jay and I made up some time ago," he says and it hurts to remember.
They had spent so much time without talking to each other. Sunghoon was ashamed and Jay wouldn't even look at him in the eye. They didn't have any problems with being in the same room but they wouldn't speak to the other. One day, Jungwon decided that it was enough and made them talk. He prepared some hot chocolate, sent the others away with the excuse that they needed some wood for the fire and had sat them down before the fireplace. Jay had been the first one to talk and that seemed to be the straw that broke the camel's back. Sunghoon doesn't want to remember how much they cried that day, how much they apologized to each other. He remembers their hug, the warmth of his brother's embrace as he held him close.
Sunghoon looks at the sky, his mind returning to the willow tree.
"We need you, Sunoo," he tells the sky. "I need you back and I'm sorry. I'm so sorry and I hope that you can forgive me for what I did to you, wherever you are".
He smiles when his eyes focus on a small orange dot. A lone butterfly soars through blue skies.