Chapter Text
Han Jisung never knew who he was, or what he was.
For all this time living on this earth, he was always confused about a lot of things. What he liked, what he was interested in, what he disliked… almost everything. He felt so lost every time someone asked him a question, like what is his favorite band, who does he like, what does he hate…
So, he always resorted to just following the norm. Following what was normal, what was acceptable and popular. He never put in the effort to talk to himself about what he likes, being too much of a hassle for him to do so.
And his confusion is no exception with his identity.
Of course, he is naturally a boy. He was born a boy, with a voice of a boy, with all the physical attributes of a boy. But there was always one thing that bothered him; he doesn't know how to act like a boy.
He was mostly raised by his mother in Malaysia, always sticking by her side more than his father. Of course, he still has a relationship with him but… with his mother, he felt… closer, he supposes.
Being raised by the gentlest hands meant for him that he acted a bit too much… softly. He puts down things gently, does things and does chores in a gentle manner, everything that just screams "raised closely by his mother".
So… he did get a bit teased by that. Not necessarily bullied, but teased on. But still, no one really helped him how to act out of it, only really teasing him and saying things like "he acts gay" and whatnot.
So, he tried to fix himself, by pretending. He pretends he likes dark clothes, when in reality he feels more connected to vibrant and light colors. He pretends he likes rap, when in all reality he likes ballads more than rap. He just pretends to be what people want him to actually be.
But he doesn't feel all too connected with this life. This life is full of… dullness. He won't ever say it, but he feels uncomfortable with it. But this was what people wanted him to be, right? Right.
Until one day, when something made him open his eyes.
Jisung sits in front of a vanity mirror as he gets his makeup done by one of the makeup artists. He feels her putting on some eyeshadow on his eyes, both of them being closed to make way for the application (and totally not because he felt sleepy).
"Han-ssi?" He hears a voice ask.
"Yes?" Han opens his eyes, seeing that— pink eyeshadow was put on his eyes..?
It was his stylist, Daehun. She pulls to her side a mannequin wearing a poofy pink and white gradient dress, the pink graduating from the bottom all the way to white on top. The dress was decorated with matching pink bows and white pearls also being used as straps, the cut of it being just above the waist, and a big pink bow decorated the back of it.
Han's eyes widened from the sight of the dress. It was so beautiful…
Daehun smiles at him. "Since you guys have this… I guess you can call it white prince theme today for the stage, I want to put you in something… different."
"Do you mind wearing this dress for us, Han-ssi? Since you haven't worn any dress type things before… I want you to try one. You would look so great in it." Daehun turns her eyes to look at the dress, before looking back at Han. "Of course, if you're not comfortable with it, it's okay. I have an alternative one that matches the ones your other teammates wear."
"I—uh… uhm." Jisung awkwardly stares at the dress, then back at the other members beside him; Hyunjin and Chan.
"You should wear it, Hannie. I think it would really fit you." Hyunjin smiles at him.
"I agree. Don't worry, if someone makes fun of you I'll take care of them, Hannie." Chan says reassuringly, giving a thumbs up and a smile to the other.
…Should he? Well, it was only for a performance— and everyone said that it'll fit him, so…
"Sure, I'll wear it. " He gives a small unsure smile, while Daehun jumps up and down from excitement.
"Thank you, Han-ssi! Come, come!" Daehun pulls him away from his chair and onto the dressing room together with the mannequin. "You would look so cute with this, Han-ssi! Please, try it!" Daehun removes the dress from the mannequin and shoves it to Jisung's chest, the other catching it just in time before it falls to the ground.
"I'll give you some privacy while you wear it! I'll also get the shoes for this… it'll be heels though, but it's just a little bit, maybe two inches. Are you alright with it, Han-ssi?" Daehun asks while Jisung keeps tracing his fingers over the delicate details of the dress, bringing it up to his chest to see how it will fit him.
"Oh, sure…" Jisung says, not prying his eyes away from the dress. He hears Daehun give a small laugh before she closes the door behind him to leave him to dress up.
Jisung sighs before catching his breath, quickly removing all of his clothes and neatly folding and placing it on a chair, before finally getting the dress and starting to pull the dress of the zipper down.
He steps on to the dress, pulling it up to his chest and slinging the straps over his shoulders. He looks down first, afraid of what he'll look like in the mirror, and instead turns his eyes yet again to the delicate features of the dress.
Daehun comes back just in time with matching white heels in hand, gasping as she saw Jisung's reflection in the mirror. "Whoa… Han-ssi! You're so beautiful! Ah, let me get the zipper for you, Han-ssi."
Bea…utiful?
Jisung looks up to the mirror, and finally he sees himself. The dress fitted so… good. Way too good. The cups of the dress made him look like he had breasts, his waist was cinched and evident with how the dress fitted to him, the sleeves revealed his soft shoulders, the cut of the dress showed off his soft thighs and knees… It was way too good.
And with his makeup, it just made everything look harmonized. Perfect, almost.
His lips pursed to a line, and he feels… content in this dress. It was as if butterflies were let loose on his chest, making him feel fluttery and giggly and every happy emotion you could think of. It was too perfect, too good…
"Han-ssi, can you step into the shoes too, please?" Daehun asks, Jisung jumps as he was cut off by his thoughts but obliges to the command. She sets the shoes down to the floor and Jisung steps onto them with wobbly feet. He expects him to not get used to the sudden height of the heels, but… it almost felt natural to him. Of course, given the heels weren't that high he wouldn't notice a slight difference, but he was still weirded out.
After stepping into the shoes, he looks at himself in the mirror still unable to keep his eyes away from looking at his own self. It was too good, too perfect… He wants this dress. He wants to keep it, it looked way too good on him.
Fuck it, he's going to ask.
"Can I… keep this dress after the shooting, Daehun? I… want it." Jisung turns to look at Daehun, who widens her eyes at the question but quickly turns into a smile.
"Of course, Han-ssi! I'll even let you keep the shoes too, it's a gift for all the treatment you have given me since entering this job."
"A-ah… it's nothing, Daehun. I thank you too, for taking care of me." Jisung gives a matching smile back, making Daehun burst into giggles before she gives him a hand.
"Let's go now, Han-ssi. I think the others are still finishing their makeup or changing in the fitting rooms. And oh, I know the heels are probably hard to walk on… please let me assist you.
Jisung accepts the offer for assistance, the heels still weird in his feet but he didn't feel unstable at all, she drags him to the main area where most of the members were already there. Daehun makes him sit on the couch to rest and wait for the other members to finish, and Jisung takes this opportunity to hide his face.
The members who were already done sat beside him, to which Hyunjin, Bang Chan, and Changbin all looked at him with shock, gasping at the sight of their bandmate wearing something so different from his style.
"Oh, wow, Hanji… it fits you." Chan says, settling his open water bottle to the coffee table.
"It does, I'm not going to lie. You look beautiful with it." Changbin slings an arm around him.
"You look unmistakably like a girl with it, Jisung-ah. Pastels really suit you." Hyunjin says and nods with a smile before turning back to look at his phone, scrolling on something.
Jisung finally has the courage to not hide his face, setting his hand down but looking down to his thighs, still embarrassed. "Thank you, hyungs…"
The rest of the members come out from the fitting rooms, Minho, Jeongin, Felix and Seungmin getting a sight of Jisung in the dress. Matching gasps came out from their mouths, and Jisung fought the urge to hide his face again.
"Oh wow, Jisung-ah. You look so beautiful! You almost look like a girl!" Felix claps with a bright smile on his face.
"I agree, Jisung-hyung. The pink matches your skin so well." Seungmin says, a small smile creeping up in his face.
Jeongin and Minho both nod together at the other two's statements, settling to sit down at the couch, with Jeongin sitting beside him. They all sat in silence, waiting for their group's turn to record, before finally…
"Alright, Stray Kids up next!" They hear through the intercom. The rest of them stand up, getting their earpieces ready. Jisung tries to stand up too, but it seems to be difficult when his footing becomes unstable from the shoes, and just when he expects to fall to the floor, someone catches him.
"Hyung! Are you alright?"
Jeongin catches him just in time, the strap of his dress falling off to his shoulder revealing a bit of his chest. Jisung jumps, quickly trying to fix his dress before standing straight, trying to hide his embarrassment. "Yeah— yeah. Thank you, Jeongin-ah." He smiled reassuringly before going to grab and put on his earpiece, joining the others.
Going up the stage while they waited for the sound system and to greet fans, he was immediately greeted by shouts and screams, as well as gasps. Someone screams from the crowd—
"Han Jisung-ah, cute!!!"
Jisung, taken aback by this, can't help but laugh.
"Eh? Who was that? Was that a fanboy?" Jisung giggles a bit, voice high in pitch. Another set of screams breaks out.
"Yah! Get your eyes off our princess, only we can call him princess—" Minho, who tried to shoo off the fans, broke out laughing at the last part, unable to hold his laughter.
"Our princess, Han Jisung-ah." Chan says, laughing as he squishes Jisung's cheeks.
"Han Jisung's too manly for a princess' name. I think a different name would suit our princess." Hyunjin said in a teasing tone before turning back to the fans. "What name should we give our princess, STAYS?"
The audience erupted to screams, people shouting names left and right making Jisung feel awkward. Jeongin speaks up.
"Hm… what about Ji-Eun? Jisung, Ji-Eun." Jeongin suggested, and more screams followed. "Her majesty, Han Ji-Eun." He teases.
Jisung blushes at the female pronoun, covering his mouth with his face as he tries to silence his whimper of embarrassment.
"Han Ji-Eun noona!" Felix exclaimed, earning a hit on the shoulder by Jisung.
"Yah! Stop it, Felix-ah!" He pushes Felix teasingly, revealing his reddening face. The audience shouts out "awws" and "cute", making Jisung blush even more.
"Agh, I'll look so stupid rapping in this dress…" Jisung pouts. "How will I even dance in this…?"
"Okay, we're ready to roll. Artists, please get in positions!"
…Somehow, he was able to dance well, given that the dance move, especially in the chorus part (thanks to Minho) , was incredibly hard and pulled a lot of stamina from him. But he was able to dance well.
Shooting only took about two takes, and suddenly they were all done for today. They bid the fans farewell, and Jisung pulls a stunt.
"Wish your noona, Han Ji-Eun well~!" He winks and poses like he does for a picture, before quickly stepping down the stairs as the audience screams ever so loudly than before.
"Oh my god, hyung." Seungmin rolls his eyes, shoving Jisung. "And here we thought you're embarrassed when we call you a girl. You pulled such a stunt, my god."
"Heh, well, it was funny." Jisung says, before finally sprinting off to go to Daehun.
"Han-ssi! You all did so well." She claps, smiling at Jisung who laughs awkwardly. "Oh, yeah! Please change to your casual clothes now, the managers agreed to give you the dress and shoes. I'll pack them tightly~"
"Thank you so much, Daehun." Jisung holds her hands, Daehun brushing it off as nothing and advising him to now step into the fitting room to change to his casual clothes. Soon after finishing, he sees the dress and shoes neatly packed in a big paper bag.
"Here you go, Han-ssi. And if you want anything more from me, please don't hesitate to ask." Daehun bows, smiling one last time before walking away to tend to other matters.
…The ride home was peaceful enough, with no one questioning him what the big bag he carried was, and when they finally arrived at the dorms Jisung was quick to rush to his room, ignoring his other roommates.
He quickly grabs a hanger that was laying around in his room, hanging the dress on it and setting the dress down to the bed. He takes a quick glance at it, lips curling into a small smile before he grabs it and shoves it somewhere deep inside his clothing cabinet, doing the same with the shoes— hiding it under and behind stacks of boxes.
Beneath all the black and blues of his closet, there was a small, soft pink that stood out like a sore thumb, even when hidden.