Chapter Text
Seungcheol waited for them to notice.
It's not like they had to. He guessed that he was under the illusion that something would change after all this time. However... Isn't this purely selfish behavior? His members have their own problems, health and you could even say career.
The last time he looked into the mirror he felt like vomiting. He didn't know why. He looked into his eyes and had the impression that it wasn't him. Who was S.Coups and who was Choi Seungcheol?
He stopped eating. He thought he was too fat anyway. On the other hand, maybe his body will stick together again? Two alien parts. He didn't even know if he was any of them anymore.
He wanted to eat.
He didn't eat.
Nobody noticed.
He remembered his hiatus. Everything stopped. He wanted to put on a good face for a bad game. And so he did. He said it was better, that he was on medication, and that he would even be able to stop taking it soon.
But in that moment, the world stopped for him. Or otherwise. He was the one standing still while the world was rushing. He quit therapy, bought a supply of drugs, and now they are in the cupboard. He didn't do anything during those eight months. He didn't even know how he managed to hide his lack of therapy.
He came back with a smile. He wanted to tell everyone that everything was fine. To himself too. He must have dug his own grave.
He remembers the day they were in the halls of a music show. He felt sick. Everyone was laughing with their idol friends. He didn't have them. Why? He guesses he stopped in time again. He decided to leave that place.
The toilet was empty, or so he thought. He started crying. Where were his pills? Ah, yeah! At home, in a locked cabinet. Why did he even buy them at all?
He saw shoes, then jeans, shirt, and a familiar face. A friend from TV. Kim Sunggyu from Infinite. He tossed him the pills and sat down at the other end of the toilet. God. How ridiculous they must have looked.
He swallowed it. They looked at each other for dozens of minutes. Nobody spoke. The elder got up first. Seungcheol looked at him and then got hit in the nose with a ball of paper. He read it, stood up and they both left.
“Kim Sunggyu
566891923
Jeongsa Street 5/78"
Since then, they have seen each other often. They kind of developed a father-son relationship. Sunggyu had similar problems to him, the same ones ignored and hidden. It's funny that they found support in each other.
Sunggyu tried to give him food. He sent it every day and Seungcheol took it and threw it away everytime. Day after day. The food never stopped coming. Even when Kim started his own agency and finances were tight, the food still came.
Sitting on the floor in the practice room, Seungcheol wondered why he didn't eat it. He couldn't get up. He couldn't speak. He couldn't even cry. He heard a scream that said he had to get to work.
Oh! He's up!
He danced
He danced.
He danced.
And he heard a scream.
"Don't be lazy, Cheol! You're not the only one who's tired."
He danced.
And he heard a scream once again.
"Seungcheol you should go on a diet, you can't jump as high as us anymore."
Okay.
He danced.
He had recently become distant from Jeonghan. He would like to live with him. Maybe it would stop him from falling into that horrible hole of sadness, emptiness and non-existentialism. God. Why doesn't he live with him? He needs to ask him about it.
"Seungcheol!"
Oh? Jeonghan?
"I'm really sorry, but you are annoying recently! Everyone wants to go home, can you get your ass up and get to work? Soonyoung is right, you need to lose some weight."
Oh my.
Wasn't Han the one who told him he looked good? What does he look like now?
They look at each other. Everyone is watching him.
He finds himself running. He hears screams, but he continues to run.
He's running
He's running
And he keeps running.
He stops in front of the door. Light wood. Very nice. Of course he knows them. Jeonghan's apartment. How stupid was he? Why did he run here? Probably out of habit. He always came here, but he didn't really share any of his problems. He dealt with them himself by cooking for Jeonghan, and sometimes for Seungkwan when he was in the apartment. It helped. He laughed. He blushed looking at Jeonghan's eyes. Deep in his heart, maybe he wanted him to see the pain he has been living with for years? He did not know.
He looked behind him, believing that someone was running after him. Stupid decision. No one ever ran after him. Why would they do that now? He looked at the bright door, and a lone tear rolled down his cheek. He hasn't cried in months. What's happening to him?
He turned off. He now found himself standing in front of a dark wooden door. How did he end up here? Again. Probably out of habit.
Knock Knock.
The door was opened by a familiar face. Kim Sunggyu didn't even ask about the circumstances of his arrival, he just simply let him in. Seungcheol fell into the elder's arms, shaking and crying. He cried and cried. Endless crying. Tears falling onto the floor. The water from his eyes now seems to be filling the entire apartment. Sunggyu did not let him go.
He was now sitting on the couch in the living room. The apartment was large, but empty. There was nothing real about it, nothing that could offer even a glimmer of life. Just like the two of them.
The elder sat down next to him and placed the pills and food on the table. He said that pills were optional, but eating food would be a fee for the stay.
Seungcheol ate. It was the first time in three days. He vomited the first bite, but the second, third, fourth... Oh, he's glad he ate something.
However, despite his concern for Seungcheol, Sunggyu remained silent. The younger one didn't ask for a reason. He didn't have the strength, and besides, the elder didn't look like he had the strength to rant about his mental state.
Sunggyu and Seungcheol didn't talk often. They almost always sat in silence. Sometimes they communicated with notes.
They only talked when they both felt better. Only once did they come across a period when they both talked. Other times it was either Seungcheol or Sunggyu doing the monologues.
They both fell asleep. Seungcheol woke up alone. The note on the table said that Sunggyu had gone to dance practice for Infinite Concert. Next to it, there was a breakfast and another note that said that lunch and dinner were in the fridge, and money for snacks were in Sunggyu's wallet on the counter.
Is it any wonder that Seungcheol felt better? He ate breakfast.
It was delicious.
He vomited it the second after entering his group's groupchat and reading a message about dance practice in the afternoon.
He loved his members. His heart sparkled and beat at the sight of them. He distanced himself from them because of his condition. He doesn't speak to them, doesn't go out to eat with them, and practically doesn't see them. It's not their fault that he takes their words so deeply. They had the right to accuse him of his mistakes, not to mention the fact that he no longer plays the role of leader at all.
Oh.
He needs to improve.
He'll kill himself.
God.
What is he saying?
But is there another way to escape from people's eyes? After all, he won't lock himself in an apartment that isn't even his own for the rest of his life. He just wants to rest for a while. He wants to get a little bit of care from the members. Just like he gets from Sunggyu. He wants it so much. He wants so badly to lie down and just sleep. Sleep and dream of a better tomorrow. About a beautiful body, talent and voice. About Jeonghan accepting his feelings. Oh Mother of God...
He needs to pour a bucket of cold water over himself.
When he crossed the threshold of the training room, all eyes were on him. He wanted to escape. But where?
He didn't left.
They didn't say anything either.
This time they did not comment on his skills, but only changed his position in the formation. From the second line he went to the last, from the first to the penultimate, from the center position in the chorus he suddenly found himself on the side. It hurt so much.
Was that a punishment?
Why is he working on his body then? Why has he been starving himself for three months already? Why does he need all this?
He had no strength left, he simply ran out of it. He had to get out of this room or he would kill himself in the nearest bathroom. But oh? Why can't he get up? Why doesn't he have the courage to go out on his own?Why is he such a coward?
He called Sunggyu. Seungcheol simply said "It's bad" and gave him the address and the specific room where he and his group were. The elder didn't ask any questions. As usual. He just came.
When Sunggyu entered the room, eyes turned to him and then to Seungcheol.
The younger one then heard Sunggyu's voice for the first time in a month. He said that Seungcheol wasn't feeling well and needed to go to see the doctor.
They were flooded with questions.
What happened? How do you know each other? What is it all about?
They were both in a bad state. They both didn't want to open their mouths. They both wanted to get out of this building as quickly as possible.
Seungcheol started packing and Sunggyu helped him. Fast, fast, faster. Before they both panic.
They were interrupted by a loud scream.
"What the fuck is this? Where are you taking him and what's wrong with him? You have to answer me! Either you or Cheol! I'm sorry Sunbaenim, but I need to know what's going on with my friend."
Jeonghan... Oh Hannie. God. Seungcheol loved him so much. Gosh. Was it a concern in his voice?
He wanted to answer, but no voice would come out of his mouth. He wanted to toss it to Sunggyu again, but the elder was frozen in place and his eyes were glazed over. The verge of a panic attack. Seungcheol knew this well. Something must have happened in recent months for the elder to react this way.
"I started a new diet and it doesn't seem to be working well for me. I just need to consult my dietitian. Sunggyu hyung will take me there. Don't worry, Hannie."
Seungcheol heard his own voice. How nice that sounds. Their first conversation in how many? Three weeks? Life seems so easy...
"Okay, let me know after your visit."
And that would be it. It was good, but it ended. Life is hard to live again.
Sunggyu took his bag and they got into the car. With shaking hands, the elder took the pills from the glove compartment of the car. Definitely too much in Seungcheol's eyes. He did not comment.
While they were driving, Seungcheol wanted to ask about something that had been bothering him for a long time. A reference to himself somehow. He didn't even know what was the purpose of this question. Maybe stopping the slow collapse of his life. Probably.
"Have you ever been in love with someone so much that just exchanging words could restore your hope? And yet that same person could bring you to the brink of suicide?"
Sunggyu looked at him and screeched to a stop in the parking lot of the apartment building. The younger one only now noticed the scars on the older one's forearm. They looked old.
"Woohyun."
Really? Are they the same person? Are they destined to live such an insignificant life? Couldn't they just be born normal?
"Woohyun hurt, hurts, and will hurt for years."
"Do the scars you have on your body relate to your love?"
"Minority."
Seriously?
"Did the pain help?"
"When it hurt, I was at least sure that I was there. No, it didn't help, but I wanted to live in the awareness that I was like others. Feeling pain, happiness, emotions of a normal person. With age, everything disappears, and the only thing I want to do is to kill myself. I founded an agency to take some responsibility. The boys and the Infinite Company. And of course you. I can't kill myself now."
"What should I do to avoid killing myself?"
"Seungcheol, I'm not a good person to ask these questions. The scars are old, but if I don't hide the pills while I'm still well, I might not be here tomorrow. I'm sorry. From the bottom of my heart. Seungcheol... Just stay. I will help you, but I cannot give you any advice."
The elder got out of the car. Was he kneeling? God! No! Seungcheol had never run to another person as fast as he did now. He took him by the shoulders to lift him up. Sunggyu did not want to get up. All the synonyms of the word sorry poured from the elder's mouth. The younger knelt down and simply hugged Sunggyu. They cried together. Why were they like that? They must have looked like a couple of idiots. In the middle of the parking lot too. God. Could it get any worse? Can their lives get any darker than they already are?
He didn't want to know. Seungcheol lost hope for a better tomorrow with the first suicide attempt. No one knew, and he didn't want to admit it. But what else can you call taking fucking pills that have been locked in his locker for years and then vomiting them all out of fear? What a coward he is. Mother of God...
Everything was falling apart and he no longer had the strength to pretend. It hurt him to smile, he even practiced it in the mirror because he didn't trust himself. Where did this all go wrong? When did this happen? When did he ruin his relationship with the members so badly? Since when did they become a group of friends and Seungcheol and not just SEVENTEEN. He felt like an alien. As he entered the room, the conversations quieted down. They used to come up and invite him to play, eat or talk. Now he was the one walking into the corner in front of everyone, and still no one opened their mouths to even say "Hi Cheol!".
He took Sunggyu by the arms and put him in the car. Now he was the one in the driver's seat. He didn't blink when he repeated the same process as the elder a dozen or so minutes ago. The driver's seat storage compartment was now in front of him. He opened it and took way too many pills for his eyes. Sunggyu, just like him some minutes ago, did not comment on this behavior.
They arrived. Both of them could barely stand. Shaking hands and dark circles under the eyes. If anyone saw them, they would definitely end up on the front pages of newspapers.
Seungcheol thought that this was the worst period he had ever been through. It's a miracle he hasn't killed himself yet. He doesn't know, but he probably will anyway.
Everything is so unstable.
He thinks he needs to go back to the practice room. Or at least talk to someone in the group. There aren't many escape routes at the stage he's in. What will he tell them? That he wants to kill himself? That he's been lying to them for the last four years? Maybe that he just wants to leave the group? What will he look like?
Fucking idiot. How fucking stupid is he? Who gave him the leadership position? Who let him into this group in the first place?
He would like to show them that everything is as before and fight with himself in silence, but he couldn't do it anymore. He is surprised that Sunggyu had survived this long. He thinks he'll live with him. Maybe they'll kill themselves together.
He left the elder in the apartment. The other one had no contact with the real world anymore. It was hard to look at the wreck of a man that Sunggyu was. There were papers strewn all over the apartment. Looks like Sunggyu was there before he picked up Seungcheol. And of course, there was another bowl of food for the younger one. Why did the older one care about him so much? It's not like Sunggyu ate regularly himself.
Seungcheol left the apartment. When leaving, he took the pills lying on the table. Just in case.
He reached the HYBE building. It was huge.
Everything was merging into one whole. Seungcheol didn't even remember signing a contract with the agency for the next seven years. By then he couldn't lead a group already. He thinks so. Otherwise the group would still be with him.
Jesus.
Why does he blame them? It's all his fault after all. All this mess in his head should never have spilled over into the group situation. They have worked so hard to be where they are. Jihoon, Soonyoung, Jeonghan... He wouldn't forgive himself if he destroyed everything they had gained over the years.
Seungcheol was starting to regret quitting therapy. Maybe it would help him? However, it was the thing that thrown him into the attempted suicide.
He didn't understand his body. He didn't understand the mechanism of his head. He just wanted to live. Live and laugh. On the other hand, his greatest desire right now is to lie down on the bed. The final stage. One from which he will never get up again. He remembered that he once wrote a song about it, but Jihoon rejected it, saying that they needed something positive. Why? It were all his feelings. A pure confession that he gave to a trusted person. He's not close to Woozi anymore either. That was is his closest friend in the past. They wrote, sang and loved together.
By the time.
Even though Jihoon didn't like to leave the house, he had many friends. Be it idols, actors or composers. He had girlfriends too. Jihoon sometimes seemed heartbroken, but later he reminded people that he was alive. He met up with his friends and had active contact with them.
Seungcheol had no friends. No one except Sunggyu and Seventeen. He didn't know when he missed the period when everyone was getting to know other idols. He was in a sense detached from reality. While behind the scenes the members were hugging each other with their friends, he was sitting on the couch and looking at the commotion with wide eyes. Maybe he wanted to meet someone too? He did not know. However, when Sunggyu approached him, they became friends without any problems. So...?
Seungcheol quickly abandoned those thoughts. No one would approach him anyway. Rumors about him being a mean alpha male spread the second they became popular. In the idol community they were really terrible. The members didn't help by spreading stories about how scary their leader was before their debut. Seungcheol once tried to eliminate them. He tried to go out to people and socialize. Really! However, the only words he received were empty, such that the person who said them never spoke to him again even though he gave them his number. And that happened two times, three times, four times... He can't even count it. Now he's just tired. He doesn't want to look for friends anymore, he doesn't want to face people who will think he's a mean bastard anyway.
Honestly...
"Seungcheol? Are you back?"
Oh my? Jihoon? What is he doing here? Shouldn't he rest?
Oh yeah. Comeback is near and only Seungcheol seems to be lazy. Honestly, he doesn't even remember what song they're coming back with this time. Something happy. He guesses.
"Yes, I think I'm back. It was okay."
"Do you want to come into the studio? I have to fix something and there's no one else in the building."
Oh, of course. He didn't even check the time. How stupid he is. Why did he come here? He lost the reason.
"I'd love to come in."
Seungcheol heard his own voice. Did he really agree?
They were now walking through the halls of HYBE. Silent and empty. There was no one here except them and the security guards. Jihoon hasn't spoken, he hasn't even commented on his physical condition yet. Seungcheol could consider it a sure success. After all, he couldn't look at himself in the mirror, so he was glad that at least one person decided not to comment on it.
Jihoon's studio was huge, but one part was currently under renovation, so it seemed smaller. The younger one locked the door and turned on the LEDs. Seungcheol hasn't been here for a long time. He felt almost alien. He didn't know how to behave, he didn't know where to sit, and as a professional coward, he was afraid to speak first.
"Sit next to me, Cheol. I think we need to talk."
No.
But he wanted it, right? Wasn't that his whole goal? However... He lost his goal.
He sat down.
"So... What's going on with you...?"
Silence.
"Cheol, you know I'm not good at such conversations. You've been looking bad lately, you don't need any diet for me. What's going on? Your behavior isn't normal either. You're distancing yourself."
Silence.
"Oh, Seungcheol. I know I haven't been as close to you lately as I was before, but I'm worried. I'm worried because you're distancing yourself from not only the members, but also the work itself."
Ah, so it was all about work this whole time. Not about him. What was he even thinking? But wasn't Woozi right?
"I know, Jihoon. I'm working on it. I will improve and be a good leader."
"I'm sorry Seungcheol, I worded it wrong. You're drifting away from your reality. It feels like the eve of your hiatus, but worse. The whole situation from today... Was it really the dietitian?"
"It was not."
Is he going to confess? Is he going to blurt out the whole disgusting truth about himself? How to explain the lack of therapy and planned suicide?
Wait a minute...
Was he planning a suicide?
"Cheol, damn it. Fuck it. I'm worried. I'm so fucking worried. Are you even taking your medications? Besides, why do you know Kim Sunggyu? He didn't look like he was good mentaly either. Do you think this friendship will bring you better mental health benefits?"
"Sunggyu hyung is the only person who even seems to help me. Do you know that I ate my first meal in three days at his place yesterday? After you guys insulted me in the practice room. I'm sorry Jihoon, but at this point I don't have the strength to pretend that everything is fine. I haven't been to any therapy in years. Sometimes I take my medications that i bought back then, hoping I'll overdose. I don't have any other friends because no one wants to hang out with me. I don't know what else to tell you. That I want to kill myself? You wouldn't even notice it anyway. How many times have I shown you that I don't like women and I would prefer to use neutral pronouns in my lines? And how many times have you shouted at me that it doesn't make sense. You just ignore me everytime. I sincerely hope that I won't wake up tomorrow. That everyone will look at my dead body and finally think that I was cool. That I was a nice and helpful friend. That I mattered in this group."
"Oh."
He thinks he overdid it. He got up, wanted to run away, as always. However, the door was closed. What was he supposed to do? He remembered that he had pills in his pocket. The ones that he took from Sunggyu, just in case, so that the elder wouldn't kill himself when he was absent. He took them out and poured them into his hand without even looking at how many he was pouring. Jihoon was still sitting there, looking at him with wide eyes. Seungcheol wondered if he had just stuffed another person into his hole? He felt terrible. He shouldn't pour out his grievances on an innocent person. Jihoon just wanted to help, right?
"Put it away."
What?
"Seungcheol, I said put the fucking pills away. Who did you get them from? You said you didn't have any recent medications. That they were all in your apartment."
"I took them from Sunggyu so he wouldn't kill himself."
"Can I call him?"
"What will you tell him?"
"To fuck off."
"Do you think it will change anything? That if you cut me off from the person who actually cares about me in some way, I will be better? Do you really think that I don't have my pills? That I haven't tried to fucking kill myself every chance I got? Sunggyu has his problems, but he's really trying to help. If you call him now and tell him to get away from me, he'll kill himself. Right away. He won't wait for me to call him."
"What games are you playing at, Seungcheol? We can solve all your problems, but you have to cooperate. You need our help."
Seungcheol wanted to cry. Cry like he cried yesterday. Cry for all the fake smiles. Cry for everyone who ever said disgusting things to him. Just cry, cry and cry. Endless crying.
Why doesn't anyone understand him? Why does everyone thinks he has been feeling this way since yesterday? Were his problems really so small and it was just him overreacting? Maybe it could actually be fixed with one therapy session. Straighten him out, make him a normal person.
But will this change anything in his life? People will still point fingers at him and curse him, idols will still be afraid of him, members will be closer to him, but only because of the alleged concern.
"Jihoon, can I leave?"
"No."
What has he gotten himself into?
"Jihoon, please."
"Seungcheol, do you even understand the seriousness of the situation you've put me in? I won't let you go, since a minute ago you said you were dreaming of suicide. That your now supposedly best friend could kill himself at any second. What made you think like that? Cheol, what's going on in your mind?"
He didn't know how to answer, he didn't know what to do. In the morning he believed he would survive the day, it seemed quite bearable. But now? Locked in four walls with a person who tries to talk to him rationally. He lost rationality a long time ago. In a way, he believed that he was going crazy.
He once watched Alice in Wonderland. The one from 1951. He never understood the characters in that one. But now? He thinks that in some way it could be considered a metaphor for his mental health. The further away, the weirder. The further, the closer to the end. The further you go, the closer you get to losing your head. After all, the Queen's cricket was the final scene before Alice woke up. How was Seungcheol supposed to interpret this? That conversation with Jihoon compared to a fairy tale. As the final scene, and then his spectacular suicide and the end of suffering? Or perhaps as a wake-up call from the pain he had been living in for recent years and final help.
"I don't know. I also don't know what will happen to me in the next few days. Maybe hours. Jihoon, I've had enough. Enough suffering. It has washed me out to such an extent that I no longer remember how I spent my day, I don't remember what song are we coming back with, I don't remember the faces of our juniors, I don't remember a day when I didn't have a panic attack. Do you remember the song I gave you a few months ago? It was all my heart. I know it wasn't good. I know there was a lot missing from it, but it was mine. Honestly, the day I wrote it was the last one until yesterday when I shed tears. I think that later I simply accepted the current state of affairs. That I would live like this until my natural death. Or not natural. There is no difference at this point."
"Cheol, I can't understand your pain. I'm sorry. But I see in your eyes, I conclude from your words that you have lost hope. Hope for a better tomorrow. I don't want to lose you, you have included a lot in this group. When I listen to what you say to me, it breaks my heart. But my arms are broken, you have to tell me and show some willingness to help. I have nothing to hold on to if you don't want to heal yourself. You have to understand that it's not too late. And Sunggyu Sunbaenim he... We can help him too. Looking at you, I'm sure he's in a bad state too. So bad that he might burst too. I'm sure that if you try to help yourself, he will too. I don't know how you met or what connects you. I don't even know whether I like him or not. I don't know if I like how much you rely on him. But if it helps you... I say yes. Give me the pills and think about what I told you. It may take you a long time, but I swear to God, I won't leave you here"
Seungcheol was speechless. He was on the edge. Edge of everything. Tears, hysteria, breakdown, anger, and above all, simple derealization. His hands shook like two brittle sticks. He didn't give the pills back, they fell to the floor by themselves. The bang made him double over and cover his ears. He thinks the box is broken now. He looked at Jihoon. He was smiling. Is that good? Did that mean it would get better?
He didn't know what happened next. He turned off. The last thing he remembers is his friend's warm smile. Because that's what he might call him, he guesses. Best friends. Again.