Chapter Text
1
Ashido: Nothing in life is free.
Kirishima: Love is free!
Kaminari: Adventure is free.
Sero: Knowledge is free.
Bakugou: Everything is free if you take it without paying.
2
Ashido: Poison is a magic transmutation potion that turns people into corpses.
Kirishima: This knife is actually a magic wand.
Kaminari: Meet me in the Denny's parking lot for a wizard duel.
Sero: *cocks gun* Magic missile.
Bakugou: What the fuck is wrong with you people.
3
Ashido: Is having a penis fun?
Kirishima: It has its ups and downs.
Kaminari: Sometimes it's a little hard.
Sero: It's a pain in the ass.
Bakugou: Oh, Jesus, fuck, guys, come on.
4
Ashido: Looking left cause you don't treat me right.
Kaminari: Looking right because you left.
Kirishima: Looking up cause you let me down.
Sero: Looking down cause you fucked up.
Bakugou: What is wrong with you guys.
5
Ashido: I've done a lot of dumb stuff.
Kirishima: I witnessed the dumb stuff.
Kaminari: I recorded the dumb stuff.
Sero: I joined in on the dumb stuff.
Bakugou: I TRIED TO STOP YOU FROM DOING THE DUMB STUFF!!!
6
Ashido: You're a loose cannon, Kirishima.
Kirishima: No, I'm not. I'm a cannon maybe, but a loose cannon? Is that what you think of me?
Kaminari: I think you play by your own rules.
Sero: No way, he think rules were made to be broken.
Ashido: Those are all attributes of a loose cannon.
Kirishima: No, I'm just a reckless renegade. Bakugou is a loose cannon.
Bakugou: *smashes a chair*
7
Bakugou: It's not like I try to blow things up, exactly. It just sort of happens. You've got to admit though, fire is fascinating.
8
Bakugou: *visiting the squad* Hello, I just came to-
Bakugou: *sees Kaminari shoving Sero into the washing machine while Ashido records and Kirishima and Jirou watch*
Bakugou: *retreating* Something suddenly came up.
9
Ashido: Are you ready to commit?
Kaminari: Like, a crime or a relationship?
10
Bakugou: Fine! I don't give a shit!
Kirishima: You seem to give a lot of shit for someone who claims not to give a shit.
11
Ashido: Whose turn is it to give the pep- talk?
Sero: *sighing* Bakugou.
Bakugou: Fuck shit up out there, but don't die.
Kirishima: *wiping away a tear* So inspirational.
12
Bakugou: Some people say that I have a god complex. I'd like to think that I'm a complex god.
13
Sero: *gets a text* Oh! It's Bakugou.
Kaminari, excitedly: Did they get me the stuff?
Sero: Yeah, they say they got you the clown costume, the power drill, and 12 gallons of blood.
Kaminari: Wow! Where'd they find 12 gallons of fake blood?
Sero: You wanted fake blood?
Kaminari:
Sero: I'll go call Bakugou.
14
Sero, watching Ashido and Kaminari fight: Are you sure they should be fighting? What if they get hurt?
Bakugou, not bothered by the chaos: It's fine. They're too evenly matched to hurt each other.
Sero: Then... who's the strongest out of you three?
Ashido: Bakugou.
Kaminari: Bakugou.
Bakugou: Me.
15
Kaminari: HELP! I TOLD BAKUGOU I'D COOK DINNER TONIGHT BUT I CAN'T COOK!
Ashido, pouring milk directly into the cereal bag: And you thought I could help?
16
Ashido: You have Crayons?
Bakugou: Yes, I have-
Ashido: You're- how old are you?
Bakugou: YES I AM AN ADULT AND I HAVE CRAYONS, I HAVE A BOX OF EMERGENCY CRAYONS IN THE CABINET UNDER THE TV BECAUSE EVERYBODY NEEDS CRAYONS SOMETIMES, OKAY? EVERYBODY NEEDS CRAYONS.
17
Ashido: Isn't it weird that we can't ride any other animal except horses. Like if horses weren't a thing, humans would be fucked cause we couldn't ride any other animals. Like riding animals wouldn't really be a thing. We should probably be more grateful to horses.
Sero: Elephants.
Ashido: Blocked.
Kaminari: Camels.
Ashido: Extra blocked.
Kirishima: Donkeys.
Ashido: Ultra blocked.
Bakugou: That dick.
Ashido: ...Followed.
18
Ashido: It's Christmas! Are you all in a Christmas mood?!
Sero: Merry crisis.
Kirishima: Jingle bells, jingle bells, single all the way.
Kaminari: Hoe hoe hoe.
Ashido: Guys, please.
19
Bakugou: What the fuck is wrong with you?!
Kirishima: Wow, you could start with a 'good morning'.
Bakugou: Good morning. What the fuck is wrong with you?!
20
Bakugou: I'm going to take you out
Kirishima: Great, it's a date!
Bakugou: I meant that as a threat.
Kirishima: See you at five!
21
Bakugou: Kirishima...
Kirishima: Oh no, 'Kirishima' in b-flat.
Kirishima: You're disappointed.
22
Ashido: Hewwo.
Kirishima: Hihiiiiii!
Sero: Greetings, Humans.
Jirou: Three kinds of people.
Kaminari: I want pudding.
Ashido: Four kinds of people.
Bakugou: WHAT'S UP FUCKERS?
Jirou: Five kinds of people.
23
Bakugou: *Stubs his toe* FUCK!
Kirishima: Mind your language!
Bakugou: What else am I supposed to say, "Woe is I"???
Kirishima:
Bakugou: You have to accept that swear words are necessary sometimes.
24
'Can I copy the homework?'
Kirishima: I can help you with it!
Sero: Yeah, sure.
Ashido: Bold of you to assume I did the homework.
Jirou: lol nope.
Kaminari: Wait, we had homework?!?!?!
Bakugou: *Read 5:55pm*
25
Kirishima: Time for plan G.
Sero: Don't you mean plan B?
Kirishima: No, we tried plan B a long time ago. I had to skip over plan C due to technical difficulties.
Ashido: What about plan D?
Kirishima: Plan D was that desperate disguise attempt half an hour ago.
Jirou: What about plan E?
Kirishima: I'm hoping not to use it. Kaminari dies in plan E.
Bakugou: I like plan E.
26
Kirishima: Croissants: dropped
Sero: Road: works ahead
Ashido: BBQ sauce: on my titties
Jirou: Shavacado: fre
Kaminari: Miss Keisha: fuckin dead
Bakugou:
Bakugou, grumpy: I didn't understand a single word of that and I hate every single one of you.
27
Bakugou: Rules are made to be broken.
Jirou: They were made to be followed. Nothing is made to be broken.
Kirishima: Uh, piñatas.
Sero: Glow sticks.
Ashido: Karate boards.
Kaminari: Spaghetti when you have a small pot.
Bakugou: Rules.
Jirou:
28
*Everyone is standing around the broken coffee maker*
Bakugou: So. Who broke it? I'm not mad, I just wanna know.
Everyone:
Jirou: ...I did. I broke it.
Bakugou: No. No you didn't. Kirishima?
Kirishima: Don't look at me. Look at Sero.
Sero: What?! I didn't break it.
Kirishima: Huh, that's weird. How'd you even know it was broken?
Sero: Because it's sitting right in front of us and it's broken.
Kirishima: Suspicious.
Sero: No, it's not!
Ashido: If it matters, probably not, but Kaminari was the last one to use it.
Kaminari: Liar! I don't even drink that crap!
Ashido: Oh really? Then what were you doing by the coffee cart earlier?
Kaminari: I use the wooden stirrers to push back my cuticles. Everyone knows that, Ashido!
Jirou: Okay let's not fight. I broke it. Let me pay for it, Bakugou.
Bakugou: No! Who broke it!?
Everyone:
Ashido: Bakugou... Kirishima's been awfully quiet.
Kirishima: rEALLY?!
*Everyone starts arguing*
Bakugou, being interviewed: I broke it. I burned my hand so I punched it.
Bakugou: I predict 10 minutes from now they'll be at each other's throats with warpaint on their faces and a pig head on a stick.
Bakugou:
Bakugou: Good. It was getting a little chummy around here.
29
Bakugou: If you bite it and you die, it's poisonous. If it bites you and you die, it's venomous.
Kaminari: What if it bites me and it dies!?
Sero: Then you're poisonous. Jesus Christ, Kaminari, learn to listen.
Kirishima: What if it bites itself and I die?
Ashido: That's voodoo.
Kaminari: What if it bites me and someone else dies?
Jirou: That's correlation, not causation.
Sero: What if we bite each other, and neither of us die?
Ashido: That's kinky.
Bakugou: Oh my God.
30
Bakugou: Who the fuck added me to a fucking group chat?
Kaminari: >:0 language
Kirishima: Yeah watch your fucking language.
Sero: OKAY WHO TAUGHT KIRISHIMA THE
FUCK WORD?
Ashido: 'The fuck word'.
Jirou: Are you stupid? You guys use the f word all the time.
Kirishima: Oh my god they censored it.
Ashido: Say fuck, Jirou.
Sero: Do it, Jirou. Say fuck.
31
Ashido: There are seven chairs and ten kids. What do you do?
Kaminari: Have everyone stand.
Kirishima: Bring three more chairs!
Sero: The most important ones can sit down.
Bakugou: Kill three.
32
Sero: What did Kaminari do this time?
Ashido: More like WHO did Kaminari do this time?
33
Bakugou: Wait, what's going on? Are we all talking about how hot Kirishima is? Because Kirishima is a straight up sexual fox riding a red-hot nuclear bombshell right toward the yowza plaza in the heart of Babe City, Assachusetts, USA. The last A just stands for more ass.
34
Sero: I sleep with a gun under my pillow.
Ashido: I sleep with a knife.
Kirishima: Both of you are pathetic.
Sero: Oh yeah? What do you sleep with?
Kirishima: Bakugou.
35
Kaminari: You know my motto: carpe diem, carpe noctem, carpe coles.
Ashido: Seize the day, seize the night, what's the last one?
Kaminari: Seize the dick.